The million-dollar question: Can a narcissist change?

I’ve written a few posts on narcissism and continue to write about narcissists every now and then. Not because I feel like the subject isn’t discussed enough – There are a ton of amazing resources out there in regard to narcissism on a clinical level.

I’m not a clinician; my education is experiential, not scholastic. I’m just a girl who found a way out of the crazy and was able to deactivate her people-pleasing attraction toward narcissistic friends and lovers by addressing her own narcissism.

I was also able to get to the bottom of “can a narcissist change?” – a question that has haunted, messed with me, and wasted time that I will never get back.

My end game here is not to get into a psychological debate. I don’t want to nitpick different details and exceptions or have to be so preoccupied with political correctness that I can’t share my opinions based on experience.

My goal is to save you time, energy, anxiety, dignity, and the regret of living a life half-lived.

Understanding Narcissism

Narcissism is a term that gets thrown around a lot, but what does it really mean? At its core, narcissism is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. While we all have moments of self-centeredness, narcissism becomes problematic when it turns into a persistent pattern that negatively impacts a person’s life and relationships.

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental disorder that falls under the umbrella of personality disorders. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), NPD is marked by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.

People with NPD often have an exaggerated sense of their own importance and believe they are superior to others. They may exploit relationships to achieve their own goals, showing little regard for the feelings or needs of those around them. This disorder can significantly impair a person’s ability to function in various areas of life, including work, social interactions, and intimate relationships.

Root Causes of Narcissism

The root causes of narcissism are complex and multifaceted, involving a mix of genetic, environmental, and psychological factors. Research suggests that narcissistic personality disorder can develop due to a combination of these influences:

Childhood Trauma or Neglect: Early experiences of trauma, neglect, or abuse can contribute to the development of narcissistic traits. Children who grow up in unstable or abusive environments may develop narcissistic tendencies as a coping mechanism.

Overindulgence or Excessive Praise: On the flip side, children who are excessively praised or overindulged by their parents may develop an inflated sense of self-importance. This can lead to unrealistic expectations of admiration and entitlement in adulthood.

Genetic Predisposition: There is evidence to suggest that genetic factors may play a role in the development of NPD. Certain personality traits, such as high levels of extraversion and low levels of agreeableness, may be inherited and contribute to narcissistic behavior.

Brain Chemistry Imbalances: Imbalances in brain chemistry, particularly involving neurotransmitters that regulate mood and behavior, may also contribute to the development of narcissistic traits.

Cultural and Societal Factors: Societal and cultural influences, such as the emphasis on individualism and success, can also play a role in fostering narcissistic tendencies. In cultures that prioritize personal achievement and self-promotion, individuals may be more likely to develop narcissistic traits.

Understanding these root causes can provide valuable insights into why some people develop narcissistic personality disorder and how it manifests in their behavior.

Why I Write About Narcissists

Whenever I write about narcissists, it’s to shed light on 3 things:

1. I used to be attracted to narcissists.

Looking back, these people were a very different animal but the same common-denominator species as prominent figures in my childhood who were highly narcissistic and toxic. And as much as these people loved me, their behavior made me question my worth. They also instilled a sense of responsibility that I took on for their emotional well-being and shortcomings.

As a kid, I remember believing that my failures and lack of value were the reason that conditions were put around love and acceptance that was given unconditionally to others. And because I was too young to change my environment, I always tried to please everyone and just be “enough.” This provided the perfect conditions for lying, inauthenticity, drama-creation, rejection, and a lot of unnecessary pain and humiliation on my end.

As an adult, I had the power to actually change my environment. But because I was never given access to the innate tools to do so, I froze in toxic relationships.

The narcissists that I had relationships with in my adult life activated my own reverse narcissism. “We always attract what we exude.”

While they prioritized their own needs and agenda, I would base my value on how long of a moment I could divert their attention away from themselves, while simultaneously making their selfish, disrespectful and contradictory behavior all about how I wasn’t enough. And exactly like the person I was working so hard to be good enough for – I was making EVERYTHING about me – only in a reverse, let-me-take-responsibility-for-you-not-being-able-to-take-any-of-your-own, kind of way.

I was the doormat that brought all the dirty boots to the yard.

My self-involvement/obsession hit its peak when I started to believe that I was so powerless (and also, so powerful), my mere presence alone could elicit the awareness in others that their emotional boots were indeed dirty and in need of a good wiping off.

As if these people weren’t doormat hunting before I was ever in the picture.

Money in my self-fulfilling prophecy account: directly deposited.

Dignity: withdrawn.

2. The term “narcissist” has become so overused

I feel like the term “narcissist,” has become so umbrella’d to the point that anyone who behaves poorly in any kind of relationship or dynamic is labeled as such. And I don’t think that’s fair, intelligent, appropriate or right.

Not every asshole is a narcissist. Not every toxic person has NPD.

Understanding the difference matters because it changes your approach, your expectations, and your timeline for getting out.

3. I KNOW how alluring narcissists can be.

I KNOW how alluring, attractive, fun, charismatic, investigatory-inducing, passion-igniting, and addicting narcissists can be.

I also know that for me, these people have activated the most mind fcking, what-if FEAR. Fear that they will actually change after breaking my heart, shtting their emotional shorts, lying, busting every boundary, and being totally fine with me blaming myself for it all.

The “what-if” force is very strong with narcissists.

There’s a constant fear of them morphing back into the person they were for a hot minute in the beginning, living Happily Ever After, and learning their lesson/changing. There’s fear that it really was all your fault/lack of value/insecurities that temporarily turned solid gold into a turd.

These fears will obliterate your chances of ever moving on if you let them take over.

The major problem here: rehashing your past and moving on cannot coexist.

In the relational garden, narcissists are the weeds of what-if. Weeds don’t need anything to grow. They’ll grow through concrete without air, sunlight, or water. The only way it seems you can uproot the what-if weeds from your garden is by knowing for certain that they won’t morph into roses the minute you turn your head and accept that they are weeds.

Ducks don’t turn into swans just because you decide that you’ve had enough of waiting for them to transform and turn your head for a moment.

And swans don’t become ducks just because they’re in the company of someone who is insecure.

Ducks CAN dress up as swans though. It’s called misrepresentation and it’s unfortunately, very common.

If you suffer from low self-esteem, narcissistic misrepresentation will ignite investigation rooted in self-blame more than what it really needs to ignite: FLUSHING, cutting off, and taking the rose-tinted glasses off so that you can actually see that those flags are RED.

Can a Narcissist Change? What the Research Says

Here’s what science tells us about narcissistic personality disorder and change:

Translation: The statistics are abysmal. Don’t wait around to see if your narcissist is the statistical unicorn.

Narcissist Who MIGHT Change vs. Never Will

Not sure if yours is the rare exception? Here’s how to tell:

If your narcissist is in the right column (they are), stop waiting. Leave.

📥 Free Training: The 3-Step ‘No B.S.’ Framework to Break Free from Toxic Relationships and Heal

Can a Narcissist Change? Here’s What I Think

First off, there’s a part of me that doesn’t think it’s right to say that someone will never change. I mean, I’ve definitely changed and evolved out of my own reverse narcissism. Human beings are capable of the most incredible transformations and most of us only operate using one fraction of the capacity that we have within.

Challenging core beliefs is essential in therapy for narcissists, as these deep-seated beliefs about their own superiority and infallibility form a barrier to acknowledging their flaws and seeking change. Emotional regulation skills are also crucial, and therapies like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) provide tools to manage difficult emotions and improve relationship dynamics. Additionally, schema therapy focuses on identifying and altering maladaptive schemas, aiming to uncover subconscious beliefs and encourage healthier emotional coping mechanisms.

As much as I don’t think it’s right to say that someone will never change, I also, can’t lie about my own experiences; I can’t bullsh*t you guys.

I can’t grey up black-and-white facts in an attempt to color within the lines of correctness that would only concern those more interested in waving their magnifying glass than taking what serves them.

With all that being said, as far as “can a narcissist change?” Here’s what I think:

Why Narcissists Are the Easiest to Think Have Changed

Narcissists are the easiest of the toxic species for their exes to assume that they’ve changed.

Why?

When you’re dating a narcissist, he/she will tell you (for example), that:

• They don’t want to settle down anytime soon.
• They love dogs, hate cats.
• They love meat too much to EVER be vegetarian.
• Prefer blondes over brunettes.
• Are afraid of heights.

… WHATEVER it may be. These are just exaggerated examples.

They’ll then break up with you and then suddenly on social media, they’ll post a photo of…

Them proposing to a blonde on a plane just before skydiving while holding a cat, and declaring love for their new, all-vegetarian lifestyle.

This is how narcissists build teams and harems.

Their only means of emotional survival is NOT through connection and meaning – it’s the level to which they can elicit a reaction through grandiose and superficial negation. And if you’ve been messed around by one of these people, you’ll be too heartbroken to see it as pathetic negation. You’ll be scared that it’s a substantial change.

It’s not.

This is the only way these people can feel a sense of significance – by draining you of yours.

Even the most confident people would question their worth if this happened.

This negation is the cheapest form of attention-mongering because it alters reality as you know it. And if you’re that busy questioning your worth, you will be too exhausted to identify transactional, attention-mongering tactics. These tactics are purely agenda-driven. They have nothing to do with you other than the only form of oxygen for narcissists: your reaction to them.

Nothing devastates these people more or brings out their true colors faster than speaking with your actions and remaining silent.

For a narcissist to change, it often requires intensive therapy. Transference focused therapy, for instance, can be beneficial in treating narcissistic personality disorder by leveraging the relationship dynamics between the therapist and the individual to facilitate emotional understanding and behavioral change.

What Real Change Requires (And Why It Won’t Happen)

I think everyone is capable of changing. Whether a narcissist is capable of changing is debatable, so let’s focus on what’s NOT debatable: Everlasting change will never happen unless there’s a burning desire to actually change.

For a narcissist to genuinely change, they would need:

1. Self-Awareness They Don’t Have

They’d need to recognize:

• They have a personality disorder
• They hurt people systematically
• They manipulate and abuse
• They lack empathy
• THEY are the problem, not everyone else

Reality: Narcissists genuinely believe they’re superior, right, and justified in their behavior.

2. Willingness and Ability to Take Time

There needs to be a willingness and an ability to TAKE THE TIME to recognize the impact, destruction, and toxicity of their actions. They need to take responsibility and apologize WITHOUT you having to lead the horse to water for any of this.

If you have to orchestrate the humanity out of someone, that’s not a signal to get out your saxophone. It’s a signal to fold.

Reality: Narcissists expect YOU to do the emotional work while they reap the benefits.

3. Accountability Through Action (Not Words)

For a narcissist to change, they would need to be accountable and make amends through dignified and non-egoic action. These actions need to be rooted in a personal desire to change – independent of any kind of narcissistic panic associated with: losing, being exposed, being wrong, loss of control, and no longer getting his/her selfish needs met at the expense of your well being.

Seeking mental health services and professional guidance is crucial for individuals dealing with narcissistic behaviors to cope with the emotional challenges and ensure effective treatment approaches.

Reality: Narcissists only “change” when they’re about to lose their supply (you). The moment you stay, they revert.

4. A Reason to Change That Overpowers Their Ego

As Tony Robbins puts it, “change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” I think this is why reverse narcissists are more likely to get up off of their emotional asses and make a change. I know that this was the case for me.

It physically, intellectually, spiritually, psychologically, and emotionally HURTS to be a doormat.

The person with dirty boots definitely has to be entrenched in one hell of a lot of disconnectivity, insecurity, and pain to turn someone else into their doormat. However, the fact that they can position themselves to get their needs met through manipulation AND get away with doormatting another person WHILE being pedestaled… I mean, come on.

Narcissists being able to see their partner bend over backward FOR THEM due to feeling unworthy OF THEM is generally WAY too sweet of a deal to ever have a real DESIRE to change.

Reverse narcissists are more inclined to change because although they overdo it to a fault, they DO HAVE THE ABILITY to put themselves in other people’s shoes. Narcissists are empathetically bankrupt. It’s impossible for them to put themselves in anyone else’s shoes but their own.

The Real Question Isn’t “Can They Change?”

The question isn’t, “Can a narcissist change?” as much as it is, “Does he/she have any self-awareness about the way he/she operates?”

Do they see enough wrong with the way they operate to take action instead of default back to grandiose words and more future faking promises?

Can a narcissist change?

It’s a short life. And just like you don’t have the right to take ownership of other people’s emotional handicaps, you don’t have the right to change or save anyone out of being who they are. It’s not your job to change anyone unless they are the diapers of a child – not the emotional ones of a grown adult.

And if you’re dead set on being “good enough” for the reluctant to reform, trust me when I say that if they genuinely wanted to change, you wouldn’t be ruining yourself in the process.

Walk away from people who are bad for you. Flush toxicity at every turn.

Value your peace more than you value crumbs from someone who doesn’t even know what a loaf is.

If someone has the capacity to doormat you, waiting for them to change is like waiting for the sky to turn green.

3 Signs That He/She Will NEVER Change

1. They’re incredible in the beginning but can’t handle accountability

They’re incredible in the beginning/honeymoon period but when faced with challenges like having to be accountable, apologize, be honest, let their guard down, deal with hardships, and having a mirror put up to their questionable actions/mistakes (that we all make because we are human), they deflect, act out more, blame you, get defensive, etc.

If hard times reveal true colors of unavailability, a lack of empathy, a lack of honesty, and selfishness, I wouldn’t be waiting around for change nor would I waste my time being an on-call psychologist/performance coach for this person.

2. Their patterns don’t change when faced with the same triggers

They’re habits/patterns don’t change when they are faced with the same kind of situation/trigger that initially caused the pain, friction, drama, etc.

The things that trigger us in life will never disappear. What dictates true, everlasting, and genuine change is a different response to the same trigger/situation/person.

If they keep repeating the same behavior every time the same situation arises, they’re showing you they have no intention of changing.

3. They can’t admit fault unless you have irrefutable evidence

They can’t admit fault unless your evidence is irrefutable. If they do admit fault, they have the tendency to at first, dot every relational “i” and cross every “t,” to such an extent that it can feel over the top and disingenuous. The same bs inevitably happens again. And again.

Your aim should never be to reduce a grown adult to avoid his/her triggers and report in with you. You’re not a toxicity probation officer.

If someone doesn’t see anything wrong with what they’re doing or claims to see the wrong in it but continues with an all too familiar pattern…

Social media filters may make them look like a swan but they are still quacking.

And you deserve a fellow swan.

Dealing with Narcissists

Navigating relationships with narcissists can be incredibly challenging and emotionally draining. It’s crucial to protect your own well-being by setting clear boundaries and prioritizing self-care. Here are some practical tips to help you manage these difficult relationships:

Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Self-Care

Set Clear and Firm Boundaries: Establishing boundaries is essential when dealing with narcissists. Clearly communicate what behaviors you will and will not tolerate. Be firm and consistent in enforcing these boundaries, even if the narcissist tries to push back or manipulate you.

Prioritize Self-Care: Taking care of yourself is paramount. Engage in activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. Whether it’s exercising, meditating, reading, or spending time with loved ones, make sure to carve out time for self-care.

Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to reach out for support. Talk to friends, family, or a licensed therapist who can provide guidance and help you navigate the complexities of dealing with narcissistic behavior. Online therapy can also be a convenient and effective option for getting the support you need.

Practice Emotional Detachment: It’s important not to take the narcissist’s behavior personally. Their actions are a reflection of their own issues, not your worth. Try to maintain a healthy emotional distance and avoid getting caught up in their drama.

Focus on Your Own Needs: Instead of trying to meet the narcissist’s expectations, prioritize your own needs and desires. Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Don’t sacrifice your self-worth to accommodate someone else’s narcissistic tendencies.

Why Waiting for Them to Change Is Destroying You

While you’re waiting:

• You’re losing time you’ll never get back
• Your self-worth is being systematically destroyed
• You’re developing trauma bonding (addiction to the abuse cycle)
• You’re being gaslit into questioning your reality
• You’re missing opportunities with people who would actually value you
• You’re teaching them that their behavior has no consequences

The brutal truth: The longer you stay, the harder it becomes to leave. Not because they’re changing. Because you’re changing—into someone you don’t recognize anymore.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can a narcissist change with therapy?

Technically possible but extremely rare (less than 5% success rate). It requires: (1) The narcissist recognizing they have NPD (most never do), (2) Genuine desire to change (they typically don’t think they’re the problem), (3) 5-10 years of intensive, specialized therapy, (4) No guarantee of success even with all of the above. Don’t wait around to see if yours is the exception.

How long does it take for a narcissist to change?

If genuine change were to happen (which is exceedingly rare), it would take a minimum of 5-10 years of intensive therapy with a specialist in NPD. This isn’t a “we’ll work on it for 6 months” situation. And even then, the relapse rate is over 90%. Your life is too short to wait a decade for a maybe.

What percentage of narcissists actually change?

Research shows less than 5% of narcissists demonstrate significant, lasting change—and that’s among the tiny percentage who actually seek and complete treatment. Over 90% relapse into narcissistic patterns within 6-12 months. The statistics are clear: betting on change is betting against overwhelming odds.

Will my narcissist change for someone else?

No. What you’re seeing on their social media is the same lovebomb phase you experienced. The new supply is getting the same cycle you got: idealization→devaluation→discard. They don’t change people, they change victims. Stop torturing yourself watching their highlight reel.

How do I know if my narcissist is genuinely changing?

Genuine change (extremely rare) requires: YEARS of therapy they sought independently, consistent accountability without you prompting it, changed behavior over extended time (not just words), no manipulation or blame-shifting, genuine empathy development (nearly impossible), and you’re not involved in their healing process. If you’re asking this question, they’re not changing—you’re hoping.

Can narcissists change if they hit rock bottom?

Rock bottom might motivate some people to change. But narcissists are more likely to blame everyone else for their rock bottom than take accountability. Their entire disorder prevents them from seeing themselves as the problem. Rock bottom usually just makes them better at manipulation.

What’s the difference between a narcissist who can change and one who can’t?

A narcissist who MIGHT change (0.001%): Genuinely recognizes NPD, takes full accountability unprompted, seeks specialized treatment independently, commits to 5-10 years of therapy, doesn’t expect you to wait. A narcissist who WON’T change (99.999%): Blames you, only “changes” when losing you, expects you to be their therapist, love bombs then returns to same patterns, has narcissistic rage when confronted. Yours is in the second category.

Should I wait for my narcissist to change?

No. Absolutely not. You deserve a life, not a waiting room. Even in the infinitesimally small chance they might change, it would take 5-10 years minimum. Your job is not to be someone’s therapist or to waste your prime years waiting for a statistical impossibility. Leave. Heal. Find someone who doesn’t need to fundamentally change their personality to treat you with basic respect.

The Bottom Line: Stop Waiting, Start Living

Can a narcissist change?

Technically? Maybe. After 5-10 years of intensive therapy they sought independently. With less than 5% success rate. And over 90% relapse rate.

Realistically? No.

Should you wait around to find out? HELL NO.

Your life is happening right now. Not in some fantasy future where they’ve magically developed empathy and accountability.

Stop waiting for someone who’s already shown you who they are.

Stop making excuses for someone who makes you question your reality.

Stop sacrificing your peace for someone who sees you as supply, not a person.

They’re not going to change.

But you can.

Choose yourself. Leave. And never look back.

Your Next Step: Stop Waiting, Start Healing

If you’re waiting for a narcissist to change:

My book Win Your Breakup: How To Be The One That Got Away will show you why waiting is destroying you and how to finally walk away.

If you need help leaving:

One-on-one coaching provides personalized support for leaving narcissistic relationships and rebuilding your life.

If you want to understand narcissistic abuse:

Read the complete guide to narcissists to understand exactly what you’re dealing with and why leaving is the only option.

Stop asking if they can change.

Start asking if YOU can keep living like this.

The answer is no.

Leave.

Written by: Natasha Adamo

If you’re looking for further and more specific help; if you’re ready to stop waiting for a narcissist to change and start rebuilding your life, personalized coaching with Natasha Adamo is the answer. Book your one-on-one session today.

Related Articles You Must Read:

• Narcissist: How to Recognize, Protect Yourself, and Finally Leave
• Dating a Narcissist: The 5 Stages & How to Leave at Each One
• Is He a Narcissist? Take This 25-Question Assessment
• How to Deal With a Narcissist: 8 Tactics When You Can’t Leave Yet
• Gaslighting: When They Make You Question Your Own Reality
• Trauma Bonding: Why You Can’t Leave & How to Finally Break Free
• Red Flags in a Relationship: 27 Warning Signs
• The No Contact Rule: Complete Guide
• How to Build Self-Worth

About Natasha Adamo

Natasha Adamo is a globally recognized self-help author, relationship expert, and motivational speaker. With over 2.5 million devoted blog readers and clients in thirty-one countries, she is a beacon of inspiration to many. Her debut bestseller, “Win Your Breakup”, offers a unique perspective on personal growth after breakups. Natasha’s mission is to empower individuals to develop healthier relationships and actualize their inherent potential.