Learning how to control your emotions is the most valuable skill you could ever acquire. Not only is it a precursor to unconditional confidence, but it prevents your power from ever again, being drained by toxic people.
The idea of controlling your emotions always felt like a “get rich quick” scam to me. It sounded too good to be true and I knew better. I wasn’t interested in having to forfeit my truth and withhold how I felt just to “win.” This was not a game, it was my life and I wanted to live it authentically. The right people would understand me and where I was coming from.
So, I kept inflating the narcissistic life raft I was on by justifying my emotional reactions, internal dialogue (that was all fear/insecurity-based), and convincing myself that my emotions had no control over me.
Continuing to end up abandoned, used, cheated on, rejected, and misunderstood started to poke holes in that raft. Over time, it disenchanted the dysfunction that I kept labeling as “authenticity” and “emotional availability.”
There is nothing authentic about allowing anyone or anything to hold you hostage. There’s nothing liberating or sexy or cool about allowing your emotions to control you to the point of acting in ways that devalue and disempower you. The most authentic thing you can do is identify and act on your hunger to be free and experience better. A better quality of life, better standards, better people, better relationships, and better results.
The times that we feel the most emotionally powerless are the times we will try to convince ourselves that we have the most control.
I couldn’t control the kind of men I was attracted to. If they looked a certain way, that was it. I was immediately blind to red flags, pink flags, and internal ugliness because I was superficially obsessed. I valued everything that didn’t matter. And because I had no control over my emotions, I had no control over my life.
I always stress the importance of thinking of yourself as a business. You are the C.E.O of Y.O.U. If you automatically bend over every time one of your employees comes into your office, how are you supposed to even hear your employees with your head to the ground, let alone run a successful company that attracts the kind of clientele and investments you deserve?
How are you supposed to be taken seriously? How are you supposed to command respect from your employees if you can’t respect yourself and act in accordance with your position as C.E.O?
If you don’t believe it, they’ll never see it.
Your emotions are your employees. And the boss of any successful company knows how to manage his/her employees to work for them and the good of the company – not allow the employees to work over the boss and bankrupt the business.
Your employees will do their job effectively if they feel acknowledged, understood, validated, and directed in an empowering and positive way.
Contradiction is the root of all misery and ignorance. You can’t be so powerless that you allow your employees to run your business but also view yourself as powerful enough to be referred to as a C.E.O.
There are a lot of C.E.Os in this world. Some put “C.E.O” in their online dating profile when in reality, all they have is an idea for a business and not one employee, deal closed, or dollar made. Others are more legit.
Allowing your emotions to control your actions is as embarrassing as claiming you are the C.E.O of a company that only exists in fantasy land.
If you are controlled by your emotions, other people will always be able to manipulate and control the state of those emotions.
Knowing how to control your emotions will introduce you to a life you never knew you could call your own. Today, I have the kind of power, confidence, and luck I never thought was possible because I have control over my emotions. I’ve put them in their place as the employees that they are. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have bad days, feel insecure, or that I disrespect or try to micromanage my emotions at all.
It means that I acknowledge and respect the fact that they work for me. I no longer work for them. And if I want them to keep working for and not against me, I have to honor, manage, and domesticate them when they get triggered. This is what successful C.E.Os do.
It may feel like you can’t control your emotions, but remember… emotional control is not about “turning off” your emotions. It’s about choosing to not react to/act on them in a way that endagers your mental health.
Here’s how to control your emotions and reclaim your freedom…
When it comes to learning how to control your emotions, it was a four-step process for me.
STEP #1: Get power-hungry
There is nothing more attractive than a high-value person who confidently stands in his/her own power.
The one thing standing in the way of your power is knowing how to control your emotions. The key to emotional Jedi mastery is learning to fully feel every ounce your emotions while completely restraining from acting on them. When you act on emotional impulse, you show others how weak your emotional core really is. It translates to the world that you don’t know your value and are unsure of who you are.
Toxic people will see you as an easy target for being manipulated and emotionally available people will not be attracted to you.
You’re no longer a player. You become the self-imposed water boy in the game of life (the “water,” being your energy, spirit, and dignity for others to readily consume when thirsty). Emotional mastery comes from feeling every ounce of your emotions while committing to the superpower that non-reactivity is.
Emotions cloud reason. And if you can’t clearly see what’s going on…
You will act on the fear that going blind ignites and the subsequent anger for not being able to see at a cost you will never be able to afford.
Do you want to know how to control your emotions? Be more scared of losing your power than you are of not scratching the mosquito bite of emotional reactivity. This is what your white horse is for.
Patience is the only way out of the prison of your emotions. It is a skill that will protect you from acting on emotional impulse and appearing weak.
Knowing how to control your emotions is more about what you choose NOT TO DO – What you will no longer act on, put up with, and get yourself dragged into.
STEP #2: Just FEEL. Stop getting down on yourself.
Being able to feel your way through the most unbearable triggers of pain, loss, embarrassment, abandonment, fear, anger, the need for revenge, doubt, etc., and not act on those feelings is the definition of power.
Stop feeling guilty for your spiteful side being triggered. It’s okay. It’s normal to get angry and have vengeful feelings. The secret to success in life is learning how to use those feelings to your advantage. These are what I call “gasoline emotions.” If you drink gasoline, you’ll get sick. But without it being put in a gas tank, your car won’t go. Stop drinking these emotions and allowing them to use you while making you sick. Feed your emotional gas tank with these feelings and use them to make your car GO. Speak with your actions. Gasoline emotions are rocket fuel.
By the time you’ve felt your way through it all, if you’ve really taken the time to feel, you will see the pointlessness in reacting and the pure gold that responding with your actions is. The more you do this, the more you will respect yourself. You will feel confident knowing that no one can ever mess with you to the point of unlocking your reactivity for their own egoic survival.
When you have your own back, you’ll never need anyone else to have it. You’ll just appreciate it if they do and not take it personally/flush if they don’t.
STEP #3: Looks don’t matter.
When it comes to knowing how to control your emotions, I couldn’t control mine when it came to a certain physical type of man I was attracted to. It didn’t matter how many red flags there were, I couldn’t help myself.
I also could not control my emotions to be attracted to good men who didn’t fit this stupid physical ideal I had.
My heart was only open to closed doors and closed to the open ones that I claimed to want. I was all about the superficial because I had no substance.
When it comes to looks, keeping yourself up MATTERS. I always try to put my best foot forward and be as healthy as I can. I take pride in caring for myself and my body – superficially and substantially.
There definitely needs to be a physical attraction, but always make sure to take the time to really get to know someone. If you focus on substance and connection instead of physicality, you will find that people show you who they are very fast.
It’s amazing how incredibly attractive someone can become when they are given a chance to show you who they are – instead of being judged for either winning or losing a genetic lottery.
Of course, there are certain physical attributes that you just aren’t attracted to and never will be. And that’s okay.
A few weeks ago, I really surprised myself.
I recently started watching a show that is already a few seasons in. It’s so good and whenever I have any free time, I’m watching it.
Anyway, there is a main character on the show who is the physical embodiment of everything I am simply not attracted to and never have been. He is not some sort of hideous, unhealthy and unhygienic beast but I’ve just never been attracted at all to his look. I’m telling you right now if this person existed in real life and we were both single, I’d date him in a heartbeat. And it would probably shock everyone.
And I could care less.
He is a very rich man on the show but I don’t care about the money; I make my own. What attracts me is the ambition. It’s the work ethic, loyalty, empathy, confidence, and power as a result of the humanity that got him there (and that he never lost).
Actions are this man’s first language and words are his second.
Dynamic people who are honest, ambitious, and have integrity are so attractive that looks have become secondary for me.
The same goes for quality people. Because they are emotionally available and can connect, they will see how interesting, powerful, confident, and dimensional you are. And you will be the most beautiful person to them.
This is not about being blind or settling in any way for what physically turns you off. It’s about learning to be attracted to what’s good for you, instead of what triggers you into becoming a crumb-hungry performer.
STEP #4: Accept the gift.
Use your emotions for what they are meant to be – a gift. Invaluable insight into a situation, relationship, and yourself.
When you get triggered, ask yourself why you feel this way and be honest with yourself. This will lessen the need to tell others until you process everything. Guard your privacy and respect it always.
You can dissolve a lot of triggers, pain, and drama in your life just by taking the time to think about your emotional responses.
Know how to control your emotions. Next time you get triggered, stop for a moment, and allow yourself to feel every emotion that comes up. Take note of how you feel emotionally and physically. Experience it with yourself first – the one person who has been by your side through it all. Don’t ask yourself if the emotions are constructive. Emotions are not the main issues here. Ask yourself how reacting – in any way – to these emotions would be constructive and elevate your reputation (instead of destroying it).
If not, you have to drop the rock. There is no need to throw it.
If a rock was thrown at you, whether intentional or not, that doesn’t mean you have to throw it back at the person who threw it at you. It does not mean that you have to throw it at the situation, at yourself, at an innocent bystander, or out into the world in any way – no matter how badly you are bleeding and cut open.
I have learned (in the most humiliating and painful ways) that it will boomerang right back every.single.time.
Most people can’t put the rock down; they don’t know-how. This is why those that can are so desired, powerful, rare, and the hardest to forget/get over.
x Natasha
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationships, please look into working with me here.

Thank you for this today! It’s funny how something you need shows up at the right time. I tend to let my emotions get the best of me and believe that just begin honest and upfront with them serves me well, but I’ve learned that is not the case over and over again. I can’t put that rock down, but I am trying!
I’m happy that the post helped 🙂 Thanks Adriana! xo
I can’t thank you enough for this and for saving my life. I love you Natasha ?
Every post is a work of art and SO HELPFUL. Seriously. The words and examples and analogies you choose are sublime and really resonate with me.
Love you Natasha! You are a master craftsman of words that give life!
XOXOOOOO
V. Larned
Wow thank yoy so much V 🙂 That means everything to me. I love you too! xx
Brilliant as always Natasha!
Thanks CC 🙂 xoxo
I saw a quote that mentioned “you gotta train your brain to be stronger than your heart otherwise you’ll loose yourself every time” and I thought it’s so powerful and now you write on the very subject it’s like we have some sort of telepathy haha. You’re amazing it makes sense to see it the way you do and put the rock down instead of damaging others around! xxx
Thanks sister 🙂 I love that quote and YOU. xox
Thank you Catherine! I love you too 🙂 xx
Hello Natasha. I hope you are well.
This was so helpful for me because I am a very passionate woman. I always have been so it’s hard not to act in my emotions. It has come back to bite me so I am learning to work on that. You are correct though in that people do like to trigger me and have done so but it’s always been strange to me how they will want to contain my emotions at the same time. My ex was a little bit that way, when it gets too real they back away. I find it sad because if you cannot handle your own emotions, how would someone deal with another persons emotions? I guess it is also a sign of maturity.
Your words are a very good tool for me and have brought me clarity today. I sometimes do not like that part of me but after reading this I have more confidence about my emotions. Thank you again!! I love you for sharing and for all you do.
You are not alone. Be well for now. ????
Hello lovely!
How are you? X
I was reading your words about being a passionate wOman. Me too. But I like to think my passion comes from my soul. Not my emotions.
I think our emotions express passion on a few levels, but as long as your emotions are just tools to express yourself, it’s ok. It’s when they take over and they own the floor that we get hit by that emotional tsunami.
Stay passionate and stay who you are, Linda. You’re beautiful and strong and triggers set us off less when we identify them. Just follow your gut. It never lies. Your essence is powerful stuff.
Much love to you, sweet little passion fruit woman!!
??
I could not agree with or love either of you any more <3 xo
Hello my friend! I miss you!
Thank you so much for your reply to me. I think what you said is important. I’m learning a lot and as I get older I’m learning what to be passionate about and what to let go. You are correct in that I cannot let them control too much. I’m picking and choosing.
It’s a life lesson. Thank you Lorelle. I so appreciate you and your wisdom. I know I am not the same person I was a while ago because of all the information I have gained here.
Thank you again and I really hope you are well. I look forward to meeting you someday.
Stay well my friend. ????
Hi Linda 🙂 I’m happy that the post helped <3 I too have felt the same way.
Anyone who tries to contain your emotions most likely lacks empathy, emotional connectivity, and control over their own. Thank YOU for your love, support, and for sharing in a way that makes us all know we aren't alone and in this together. I love and appreciate you endlessly. xo
Hello hello! This is a great post, Thankyou so much. I’ve visited this site since May of this year and it’s been such a good source of information with regards to relationships. What I’m curious about is: how to discern between someone telling you they are being ‘conscious’ by telling me my faults and issues and someone just being abusive and insecure. If there is an article already written I’d love to be directed to it as I know that you (Natasha) cannot answer anything directly in this format. My previous partner (the one that got married in June after meeting his new girl in March!) said similar things that this new ‘friend’ is saying. Both Aries. I’m aware that this being human is a constant unfoldment and work is to be done, however, am I getting a message from the universe or am I attracting arseholes??? Any insights and comments appreciated. With thanks and as always love to all ???
Hi Tara!
I’m so happy that the posts have helped 🙂 I am an Aries too LOL! You will know someone is being “conscious” as you say if they are kind in that consciousness/honesty and not brutal in its delivery. I hope that helps and I will definitely write about this more very soon. Thank you for your love, support, and for being a sister Tara. xxx
Thankyou Natasha ??
I loved this – thanks Natasha! I think you touched on some very fundamental, powerful themes here…in fact, so fundamental that it felt like you were describing the Newtonian mechanics of our emotions. The idea that emotional Jedi mastery involves feeling every ounce of an emotion while refraining from acting on them felt like a new Principle of Inertia. That is – when we learn to avoid acting on our emotions we increase our emotional inertia. And that gives us greater power when we decide on a course of action, because our greater inertia makes us resistant to the effect of outside forces.
Greater emotional inertia means greater emotional mass. And when combined with the accelerative powers of “gasoline emotions”, you get Newton’s 2nd law (Force=(mass)*(acceleration)).
So too it goes with the metaphor you used about dropping the rock. When you throw the rock, it boomerangs back every single time. Newton’s 3rd law says that “for every action there is an equal but opposite reaction.” Hence, throwing the rock means we can only expect to get hit with it again, which will only hurt ourselves more.
It’s a nerdy way to look at what you wrote…merely trying to highlight that it felt like you really got to the fundamental laws of nature with this post. And you can’t argue with physics.
Brandon, I re-read your post 3 times. Yes! Today, I felt a pull to something, a scenario, a person, a feeling, I resisted the pull to gravitate, to reach out, to get my ‘hit’. Today, by resisting, by being aware of patterns, referring to content that’s been helpful (Natasha amongst others) I feel like I upped my emotional mass through my ‘inertia’. You are fabulous, big thanks n love ?
So glad you empowered yourself Tara! Thanks for the kind words.
Same here 🙂 Thank you Brandon that comment was beyond.
Brandon, I never thought I’d say this because every one of your comments are so amazing and spot-on, but this is my favorite comment of yours. WOW. Thank you so much for sharing and for being here. I wish I could put into words just how loved and appreciated you are. xoxo
Learning to accept your feelings is a big power move. Usually we’re trained to surpress our emotions or expedite the recovery process when something hurts us. But you are so right – owning the feelings and triggers makes us much more powerful in the end. You write from the heart, thank you.
???? thanks soul sis xo
I’m not complaining but it seems like all the self help websites tell me to feel my emotions but they never explain exactly how does someone feel their emotions. I have no clue what that even looks like. I love all your articles. You are an inspiration to me that maybe someday I can figure out all the things I need to do to finally have a healthy relationship. All I’ve read so far sound so much like me and my life. I hate to sound dumb but I really don’t understand how to feel my emotions and/or how to set boundaries and use them. Thank you for all your great insight. You have definitely helped me with some of my issues.
Hi Renee!
I totally know what you mean and you don’t sound dumb at all. Please go through all of my posts, as I do discuss this (and boundaries especially) further. But I will try to write more about it soon ❤️ Can’t wait for you to read my book – it will be out in just a few months!
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being a part of this tribe. Thank you for being YOU. All my love to you, soul sister. Xo