Beware of the person who approaches with kindness. They have stared down their own shadows and have said: “I see you. I do not fear you. I acknowledge that you are here as you are.”
We move forward with kindness toward others by first acknowledging our own right to exist. When you acknowledge yourself as you are, you are able to channel compassionate energy to allow others to be as they are.
This is the secret to making other people feel good and why for some, this seems to come so effortlessly. When you can direct this energy, in even a moment of kindness, you can freely give what so many people are desperately lacking: to be acknowledged, seen, and heard.
This happens when you stop calling random acts of performing, “random acts of kindness.” Kind acts start when your aim is connection, truth-seeking, and truth-accepting, rather than being overly “nice” to make up for your own perceived inadequacies.
But being kind to yourself is not contrite, fluffy, or weak. Kindness is making yourself breakfast the day after a major binge because you decide that you are still worthy of nourishment.
Kindness is allowing yourself to go to sleep after you have let someone else down.
Kindness is putting down the self-hate gasoline for one night, without judgment toward all those other nights when you purposefully set emotional dumpster fires in your mind.
This does not come easily.
What is kindness?
Kindness is a fierce resolve to put an end to being on the receiving end of unkind behavior, by refusing to mirror that behavior toward yourself.
If kindness acknowledges a right to exist, cruelty denies this very right by minimizing what IS as less worthy or unworthy of existing at all.
If you have been on the receiving end of unkindness, you may have internalized this unkindness to such an extent that you wish that you would disappear. This makes being kind to yourself even harder.
What’s more, kindness requires that you make eye contact with the parts of yourself that have long been misunderstood — the parts that are needy, anxious, frozen, filled with rage or consumed by shame – for long enough to realize that every single one exists because it has helped you to manage your history in the best way you could.
That they have only survived because YOU have survived.
On a day I was barely surviving, I was at Trader Joe’s, hands full, carrying cereal, strawberries, and soy milk, without a basket or a plan. I wasn’t crying. I wasn’t asking for help, demonstratively upset, or making a scene. But I’d had a very long day.
That morning, I found out that my fiancée was leaving me for another woman and managed to temporarily rent and partially move into a totally soul-less, furnished apartment on a Sunday by myself.
There are very few days when I have felt more disgusting, worthless, bereft, unwanted, and starving in every possible way, than that day.
At that moment, when I was barely capable of making eye contact with any living thing, a Trader’s Joe’s employee looked directly at me and said “you look exactly like how I feel.” He came back a few moments later and placed some flowers on top of my clumsy stack of food, said “on me,” and walked away.
He didn’t feel sorry for me. He saw himself in me.
And in doing so, he confirmed I wasn’t alone; that I was worthy of existing, and that I was deserving of some measure of happiness, even as I was.
The flowers were for both of us.
There is an incredible comfort and confidence from being seen and acknowledged as you are (by yourself and by other people).
What happens when you do this?
You have the capacity to hold space for the happiness or pain of others, because you are accepting of both in yourself.
You are less blind to the red flags of others because you are not busy being ashamed or overcompensating with regard to who YOU are.
When you acknowledge your own right to exist because of and despite your own history, your own pain, and your own reasons, you realize that other people come with their own labyrinth of these very things.
When other people become less two-dimensional, it becomes harder to judge them or make their behavior about you.
This doesn’t mean that you accept or excuse cruel behavior. It means you step into a power that is your very own. A power that separates the behavior of others from your worth. A power that says, “I am worthy to take space as I am.” The power to be kind to yourself and to walk away from unkindness. And the power to be kind to others because you have the capacity to see yourself in them, to connect with them, and to make them feel less alone.
But I get it. Maybe you don’t feel like giving someone flowers. Maybe you are tired of being patient, you have no idea how to be kind to yourself, or maybe the very phrase “random acts of kindness” makes you roll your eyes.
Some of the most used, misunderstood, and hurt people in the world are the most kind. You don’t have to set out to be a master yogi, “to kill them with kindness,” or to commit yourself to an altruistic way of life. Kindness doesn’t come from a place of weakness.
It happens exactly when you feel fed up and tired of being “the better person,” because kindness naturally happens when you start getting real.
Kindness starts:
1. On the path to seeking revenge.
In the fury of being mistreated and misunderstood, there is an underlying echo of never again. People who hurt you are as just as resistant to change (no matter what you do, what the consequences, and what their karma) as YOU are resistant to ever get on the same side of their kind of behavior. Once you accept this, you have a choice. You can either continue to recycle that energy into further pointless fury or you can channel that energy into helping other people who have been through similar circumstances and pain. To give other people, now, what you needed, then.
Even if you have no interest or no energy for this, you can resolve to never, ever treat another person in the way that you were treated. There is nothing saccharine or after-school-special about kindness that springs from pure and utter disgust when you recognize the cruelty of others. Kindness starts when you make the decision to be nothing like those who hurt you.
2. When you stop being nice.
You don’t have to grow to be old before you grow to be genuine. This can actually be a good bit of fun, especially if you have locked yourself in a cage of “nice” for most of your life. It takes courage to stop being nice because in many cases, the motivation for being nice is rooted in an insecurity that you are not enough as you are. That you have to make up for this by being an agreeable, polite, generous, predictable doormat.
If you invite me to a dinner party, I will pack a bag of gifts, grow concerned it’s not enough, and stop by the store to pick up a baguette and a bottle of wine for good measure. It’s not all bad, but it’s also not completely genuine. I am insecure that I will ever be able to truly convey how much it means to me that we are friends and that you have chosen to spend time with me.
When I show up at someone’s door, unburdened by these concerns, there is so much more freedom and energy to enjoy time together.
Being “nice” feels like weakness because it conveys an underlying message that you have to bend over backward in order to compensate for who you are. There is an incredible freedom that comes from shedding this behavior. When you do this, regardless of whether you are trying to be kind or not, you live a more authentic life.
When you stop performing, when you say what you mean and do what you believe, without regard to what others have previously expected from you, it demonstrates to other people that what you value is being genuine. The inevitable result of this, is that it allows others to be genuine in return. You convey that you want to acknowledge, see, and hear them as they are.
This has the added benefit of revealing exactly who in your life has capitalized on your niceness and who has used you as a doormat. It reveals those people who have no interest or capacity for a genuine connection.
When these people fall away, kindness on kindness exponentially grows, because kindness has been scientifically proven to be contagious. When people witness a kind act, they are more likely to perform a future kind act. Your kindness toward others will be received by those who will proliferate it…in kind.
3. When you’d like some free happiness.
Kindness is a cheap thrill. There are studies on studies that confirm that you are happier, healthier, live longer, and less stressed when you are kind. It doesn’t have to cost anything, and unlike diet and exercise, you don’t even have to do it consistently. You get a hit of happiness when you do a kind act, every time you do a kind act, especially when you are motivated by directly benefiting another person.
When you know this, you can approach all days, or some days, or even just your bad days with an eye toward doing kind acts. In a world where we are all willing to all manner of (expensive, unnatural, unproven) things to feel good, kindness is available in almost every moment, for free.
4. When you get grounded.
How you get grounded is different for everyone. There are as many ways as there are people to commune with the present. Some say that getting grounded is a lifetime practice that comes with a daily intention. Others just know that going for a run, going fishing, reading, going for a hike, or listening to birds makes them feel contented, in the moment, and alive.
When you carve space for what is peaceful and meaningful to you, you open a channel to kindness. You don’t have to deliberately become “grounded” to be kind. When you tend to what you love, kindness naturally flows from being calmly present in the moment.
While this may sound just charming, the opposite is undeniably true: when you feel particularly unkind or when you experience others being unkind, this channel has been cut off. The person who is unkind is not grounded, not calm, not at peace, and not present enough in the moment to acknowledge your existence or feelings.
Right, but what good is all this when someone cuts you off on the highway? You’re supposed to kindly let that go without using expletives? Nah, but the answer is: hopefully by using fewer expletives.
On a larger scale, the hope is that in the pause between expletives, we have a perspective beyond the immediate situation. We realize that people come with webs of labyrinths that connect like maps.
One of them is your own.
Sometimes people clash on the maps, cut you off, and do you wrong.
The labyrinths contain our stories, histories, our reasons, mistakes, and the ways we cope with pain.
Kindness toward yourself is knowing when to let people pass, as they try to scramble their way out of their own pain.
Kindness toward others is seeing your own humanity in someone else and helping them to feel less alone, in those moments when you intersect.
This post was written by Natasha Adamo team member, Irena.
Irena will be answering all of your comments and questions below!
+ If you need further and more personalized help, please look into working with Natasha here.
Incredible post!
Hi Kim,
Thanks for reading! So glad you liked it.
xo Irena
Irena & troops. Thank you for this SENTIMENTS post!!! I can attest base on my experience. I clearly recollect that ex gf used to say million times “I appreciate or love or etc way you are doing for me” “How can you be so patience with me?” WHILE SHE ACKNOWLEDGED THAT SHE TREATS ME WORSE. When I revealed her dating around (those period I fell off horse) she then slam me “Be kind to yourself!” Bullshits.
As you explained about Trader Joe’s. I was ?? that similar I did to a local lady almost two years ago. EVEN I WAS AWARE SHE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP AND I MADE IT CLEAR AND UPFRONTED HER THAT IM NOT LOOKING FOR RELATIONSHIP BUT FRIEND because of failed friendship/relationship. She can not friend because she have a boyfriend. Anyway. She was not a happy person. Spirit lost. Sad. (It was Christmas month). I surprised her a florist delivered to her Flowers was peace spirit and serenity colored. NOTHING ROMANTIC. . Guess what. No kindness aftermath. She threatened me my legal right which got me by surprise and prompted me to report her supervisor to protect myself. Respect for her all lost. Later I was told from few friends to disregard her because she lives in extreme abuse environment. Ah. I got it. Encourage me to stick with my trueness.
A year ago my mother was disappointed that I have lost my kindness and patiences. I told her YES YES YES!!! Because I am fed up being taken of advantages and bullshits after those years I went thru.
Sadly today it seem kindness are fading than it was back in 70 80’s? Point of changing seem to happen during 90’s Can anyone much older than me confirm that? Thanks.
It seem I have to guard my kindness and feel untrueness of myself because I don’t want to be taken an advantage of to gain their advantages and treat me like no worth. Those are bullshits. I’m sick of it!
Thank for this article! John.
Pingback Thank you to refer to that article that supports this article and provide more elaboration to collaborate with issues. Obviously for my case it’s trauma that I need to let it go. Not an easy thing. Even I was there in that post but to provide supports are greatly appreciated.
Other subject. Thank for some context tweaking which make reading much easier! Especially attach link from yellow to red. Thanks
John
WHAT a post. Thank you so much Irena and Natasha <3
Hi Kelly,
Thanks for your comment! So glad you liked it.
xo Irena
This really resonated with me. For so long, I’ve shown kindness and compassion towards everyone except for the most important person in my life: myself. Thank you for this post. It reminded me to hug myself. Also – side note, I’m loving the new site. Cant wait for the book launch!
Hi Stacy,
I love the new site too, and I’m so excited about all of Natasha’s new projects. I’m so happy to know that this was useful to you. Thanks for commenting — you make others feel less alone. Give yourself a hug from me too!
xo Irena
Thank you for the read! Would like to share it, Irena – do you have a twitter account?
Thank you, Melissa! I’m so happy that this resonated with you. I don’t have a twitter account, but please feel free to share. Much love to you. xo Irena
July 4th is approaching and is known as an Independence Day for the USA therefore since this is PMS and I do think PMS should be observed and recognized as an independence of the oppressions! Fortunately I found PMS (vaguely in the autumn-winter 2017 or so) since late 2017 and We, the people, thank y’all to free us from the agonies of oppressions through your/our bravery sharing out the wisdoms, awareness, collaborations, advocacy, and other kinds of educational. Folks, it is not an overnight healing issue. Depending the severity of oppressions any of us go or went through and It takes time to heal and healing gradually improves through those awarenesses. For that. We thank y’all. Happy Independence Day to y’all. John.
Hi John,
I love this so much! Happy Independence Day to you. Thanks for being here and helping others feel less alone! Much love to you. xo Irena
Hi Irena.
This was beautiful. Thank you so much for this post. I learned a lot here. It made me think and woke me up to the fact that I forget about me. I’m so busy taking care of other people and things I forget about myself. You made me aware so I’m thankful. I think that I needed this.
I hope you are safe and sound. Be well and thank you again.
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Hi Linda,
Thank you so much for your comment. I’m so happy to know this was helpful to you. You are such a kind soul, and I do hope you direct all that kindness toward yourself too. Much love to you. xo Irena
I agree!! 🙂 Incredible post! Love you, Linda. xo
‘….to be acknowledged, seen, and heard’.
Absolute truth. To be noticed – in a meaningful way, is food for the soul. Kindness is a human quality that has the power to change the world we live in.
?? ? Beautiful words, Irena… ???
Thank you, Lorelle. This means so much to me. You absolutely embody kindness. Much love to you. xo Irena
Irena – this was such an inspired post and is so relevant in these current times. I can relate to so much of this in my own personal journey and I just wanted to say thank you for this!
My dear Natasha… I hope this message finds you well soul sister. Thank you for continuing to bring us to the light and sharing this blog with great guest posts from Irena, Lorelle and Linda. I will always come back home to PMS to see what is going on in the soul tribe. This place has been my safe place when I am feeling a little lost or unsure about life in general. All I have to do is come here and read some of the old and new posts and I feel empowered again.
Blessings and love.
Always.
#whitehorsewarriors
p.s. LOVE THE NEW LAYOUT.
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Vicki!
It’s so nice to hear from you 🙂 Happy that you love this post as much as I do (& that you love the new layout as well!).
Miss and love you sister. #whitehorsewarriors