Shame vs guilt is tricky. Some say the differences are obvious – that one is good and the other is bad. Many institutions, cults, organizations, parental figures from your childhood, teachers, coaches, friends, family, romantic partners, and even some religions use these two powerful emotions to your disadvantage without you even knowing it.
Once they can ignite guilt and shame within you, they then get to justifiably ask for the keys to the car of your life – after getting you to voluntarily admit that you are not qualified to drive (which you are ashamed about having to acknowledge and which absolves them of the empathetic guilt that they are incapable of even feeling/acknowledging).
This is done in a short-cut attempt to sever the ties from the anchors of their own shame and guilt. It can also be done to affirm power. To them, the fact that you are now handing over your keys gives them immunity (even though it’s rooted in delusion).
That “immunity” cannot exist though, without emotional unavailability, narcissism, gaslighting, and in some cases, pathological lying and sociopathy.
There are so many things that I feel ashamed of myself for doing, for not doing, for feeling, for not letting go of, for saying, for not saying, for struggling with, etc. And the intertwined guilt that comes with each of these things made it hard for a really long time…
Until I was able to use these normal, human emotions of guilt, shame, and guilt vs shame to my dignified advantage.
Here’s what I know about shame vs guilt now that I’ve found my way out…
- Both made me feel alone and worthless enough to commit emotional suicide (while I barely stayed alive physically).
- Both kept me in the limbo of being too scared to end my own life but also, too scared to live it on terms other than everyone else’s.
- Both directly sabotaged my confidence, power, luck, relationships, and made pedestalling everyone and everything my default mode.
- Both enabled me to put up with/excuse extremely hurtful, bullsh*t behavior from toxic people. This did nothing but affirm my own righteousness in allowing the guilt vs shame to take over and thus, give away the keys to the car of my life since I was clearly, not qualified to drive.
- Both prevented me from taking action in my own life. And on the few occasions that I actually did take action, the shame would internally heckle me until I gave up.
Guilt and shame also proved to be the reasons why I was able to turn my physical, emotional, relational, professional, and financial life completely around. Fast.
I was able to take back the keys to my car that shame and guilt had convinced me I couldn’t drive.
Shame vs Guilt
I cannot talk about shame vs guilt without bringing up Brene Brown. If you haven’t heard of Brene, she is a bestselling author and a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has studied shame for the past two decades.
According to Brene, guilt is “I did something bad. I’m sorry, I made a mistake.” And shame is “I am bad. I am a mistake.”
For me personally, because my self-esteem was so low, whenever I did something that elicited very normal and healthy feelings of guilt, shame would then immediately infiltrate.
I soon started to feel guilty about everything.
This led to my disease to please. I had become a professional, overly-apologetic doormat.
Guilt was this unbearably painful wound. And because of that, shame then became the novocaine that I had to shoot up with.
I held myself to a standard of perfection and because of that, I lacked confidence. I could never be perfect; no one can be.
And because I didn’t love myself and no sense of identity to fall back on…
Whenever I did or didn’t do something that elicited guilt… my low-self esteem disabled it from becoming an experience to learn from/an opportunity to evolve and ENABLED shame to do nothing but reaffirm how worthless I really was. Writing that makes me tear up. It makes me feel terrible that I did that to myself after surviving a childhood that although was really wonderful… there were many times that was done to me.
It’s not that I look back now and think how lucky I am to have gotten “past” that kind of debilitating shame.
I’m not past it nor will I ever be. And that’s okay.
I still find myself walking into certain situations hearing a voice tell me:
“You’re not good enough. What makes you think you can do this? Don’t you remember, you aren’t good enough for some of your closest family members to even acknowledge your existence? You don’t have family besides your Mom. Who cares that you have a blog – you don’t have a degree in psychology. Who do you think you are? You aren’t enough and never will be. You should feel so embarrassed – you try too hard. You aren’t pretty enough. You still haven’t launched your podcast and developed more courses. What a failure. You never said goodbye to your God Mother and Grandpa before they died and they were nothing but incredible to you. They were all you had and you chose not to say goodbye. You’re ungrateful. You probably won’t get that book deal. You didn’t earn it. You’ve done some horrible things and really embarrassed yourself. You don’t deserve anything good.” – Sadly, that’s not even the half of it.
I have a question for you… Did reading those feelings in regard to my shame vs guilt make you feel less alone? Less ashamed of yourself? Less guilty? Less of a pariah?
That’s the thing with shame vs guilt. The sunlight and garlic to the vampires of shame and guilt are:
Non-Gratuitous Vulnerability & Owning Your Truth. It’s that simple.
I know that when someone opens up to me and has the courage to be vulnerable…
The connection and affirmation that neither one of us are alone (or judged) is too bright a light for the darkness of guilt or shame to survive.
I coach some of the top athletes, models, businessmen and women, celebrities, surgeons, lawyers, entertainers, politicians, etc., in the world and let me tell you something – There is not ONE of them who does not feel or deal with this kind of shame (and shame vs guilt). Not one. We ALL feel debilitating shame and guilt no matter who we are or what we do. Especially when it comes to our pain, heartbreak, and the insecurity we feel from being in toxic relationships.
I also find that the more functional our families and lives appear to be, the more shame we feel for the dysfunction that goes on behind closed doors.
You are so.much.more than your family’s dysfunction.
The only thing that separates the winners/evolvers from the doormats/devolvers is the ability to be vulnerable. Own your truth.
Shame needs secrecy, judgment, and prioritization of facade over authenticity in order to metastasize.
Guilt CAN become a catalyst for better. And shame CAN be the one killed (instead of your emotional body) and you CAN resurrect just as quickly as it shot you down.
The biggest mistake is to try to not feel guilt and shame. It’s what makes us human. It’s what can connect us, develop real intimacy, and facilitate healing like nothing else can.
This is why I say that this blog (which would be nothing without each and every one of you), saved my life.
We are all damaged and we all feel shame. Especially from things that happened in our childhood when we were at our most voiceless and defenseless.
Shame makes us feel like we have psychological body odor and because of that, we get addicted to getting those who have no sense of smell to affirm that we smell like a bouquet of roses.
People who make you feel ashamed in life, do so because of their own unrelenting shame. Don’t ever let anyone else’s shame throwing darken your atmosphere. Instead, allow all the shame that you feel to be the beacon of light for someone else’s darkness. A darkness that you know all too well or you would not still be reading these words.
This is what vulnerability is all about and why only the strongest, most beautiful, and most powerful are capable of it.
It’s what makes you real.
One of my favorite quotes of all time from one of my favorite books:
“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’
‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.
‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’
‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’
‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
-Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit
And in light of my birthday coming up next week, this is exactly how I want to age, if I am lucky enough to do so.
You are never alone.
x Natasha
+ If you need further and more personalized help, please look into working with me here.
I recently was seeing someone for a couple of months. The whole time we talked about communicating through challenges and things were going very well. We ended up having a 20 minute conversation where I gave him advise he did not ask for about a career move and he melted down into a “I don’t like to talk about this because it makes me feel unworthy”. Needless to say, I felt confused and aweful to take my new partner into that space. I apologized several times. Imaging how even worse I felt when he pulled way back and dumped me a few days later. When I asked if it was that conversation, he said no, but after that conversation and night, he started to ask if I was quiet and I could tell his heart closed and he was looking for things wrong with me. He never gave me a reason other than he was not feeling it anymore, he had to go with his gut, and “no amount of communication or anything else would have changed that”.
Now I know that giving unsolicited advise, if even on stated goal is bad, but is it dump worthy? I am in a shame spiral that I kill relationships, make my partner feel aweful and am literally incapable of creating the relationship I want. Unlovable and horrible. I do things that are so aweful that I don’t get to make mistakes or that it is all my fault that this man who said he would communicate with challenges now did not.
Sad today. And ashamed.
Hi Tallgirl,
I think this situation is what Natasha was talking about… Yes you feel guilt for what happened but it doesn’t make you unworthy, unlovable, hopeless or alone… So stop yourself at that guilt feeling and learn from it as it sounds like you already have. Don’t let the shame of what happened take the wheel. We’ve all inserted ourselves into advising others at one time or another when maybe it was best that we kept quiet given the situation. ?
From what you’ve written, I can tell that you are caring and want the best for those in your life. So keep your head up, give him space and take extra good care of yourself today! ?
I love seeing this kind of love, support, and I could not agree more Katie.
Thank you for being the light that you are. Love ou soul sis. xo
You are not alone. Everything that Katie responded to you with… I agree. Sending you love. xo
?? you just saved my emotional life Natasha. “Thank you” will never be enough.
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Hi Natasha, reading your blog right now made me realize I’ve been looking to people to be vulnerable with, without being vulnerable with myself first. I’ve struggled with so much shame and guilt I even struggled with it yesterday. This post not only helps me not feel so alone but encourages me to honor my emotions, grant thrm their right to be and then gently change the narrative to a more positive one. Thank you so much for this post Natasha ???
Wow! – “I’ve been looking to people to be vulnerable with, without being vulnerable with myself first.” I am so honred to have helped in ANY way for you to come to that powerful realization. It will change your life.
So happy that the post served you Denise. All my love, gratitude, and appreication for and to you always. xoxo
Hi natasha well you must have known I needed this because last night I sat in my bed and sobbed huge gulping tears telling myself out loud it’s all your fault you broke it you now dont deserve to ever have another relationship no one will want you. It’s was epically tragic, I must of cried myself to sleep. There’s nothing worse than the guilt I feel for breaking my relationship and now have no sense of belonging.
I woke up to this morning to this new post. I will print it out and try to ease my guilt tho it wasn’t all my fault she’s convinced me and friends it is. Thanks
Hi Tanya!
I have been there and I’m so glad that this post helped because it’s everything that I wish I had when I was in that kind of darkness. And if I can find a way out alone, we most definitely can find a way out together. Keep coming back here to the blog. Also, read Lorelle’s comment on here. It is incredible. xx
Team Aries ????????
YAAAA ????????
Omg. “Shame makes us feel like we have psychological body odor and because of that, we get addicted to getting those who have no sense of smell to affirm that we smell like a bouquet of roses” — that gave me CHILLS. Thank you for writing this. I have stagnated (at best) in shame for too long. It’s a curious emotion too, the way that it creeps up like the cat that always comes back. This is helping me be on the look out for it, to identify it before it can entirely stop my world. It’s so interesting, I think shame is one of the few emotions/triggers that are exponentially helped by connection in a supportive environment, that is conducive to vulnerability/truth telling/and healing. Thank you for creating this environment & for being real.
I agree – thanks for being a huge part of THIS supportive enviornment 🙂 Love you and can’t wait for your next post. xx
Hello Natasha.
This was so great for me. I have been walking around with such a heavy heart and concluded that it was just still scarred from the last person who I was vulnerable to. Now I realize it is guilt and shame for the things you described. Things I said and did or did not say or do. All the stupid and ridiculous actions of mine that led me to the darkness. Giving my keys to anyone and everyone. All the regret I feel and blaming myself because I believe I failed. However, reading this opened my eyes to so much. Wow! Thank you for this. I am not saying I am not guilty of doing stupid things but at least I was vulnerable and real. I can say that the last guy I was with made it a full time job not to be vulnerable. I don’t think he feels guilty at all.
Happy Birthday ?? to you! I love you and all you share. If anytime you doubt yourself just come here and look at all you createdand all the help you have given. You have been vulnerable and in that you taught us a lot.
I wish you great health, and happiness and many days full of love and peace. Thank you again and enjoy your day.
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Linda,
I always look forward to your feedback – not only because your comments mean so much to me, but because I get to learn more about you and actually see your progress in real time ???????? I do doubt myself and your comments have uplifted me more than I’ll ever be able to express in words. I hope whenever you doubt yourself, that you look back here at your progression and how many people you have helped heal as a result of your vulnerability – especially when it hurt the most. I love you with all my heart sister. Thank you for the birthday wishes. I can’t wait to meet one day soon ??????????
So much good stuff in here Natasha! I completely agree with your assertion that the biggest mistake is to try to avoid feeling guilt and/or shame. It made me think of an equation (which I’m stealing from Ray Dalio, and I’m sure he stole from someone else): Pain + Reflection = Progress.
Guilt and shame provide the pain, and we by facing/confronting/reflecting on that pain provide the progress. When we avoid reflection, then we’re just left with the pain of guilt and shame and we make no progress. I think our ability to face and reflect on our pain is positively correlated with our level of self-esteem; if we have none, then we cannot do the work needed to move forward.
I love that equation and could not have said it any better ?????
Brandon, thank you so much for being a part of this community. I’ve gotten so many emails from men and women all over the world who not only have quoted your comments, but felt less alone, more understood, and not afraid anymore as a result ?? You are loved and appreciated ??
Thank you for this post Natasha. The passage you wrote from the perspective of the “voice” also made me tear up, since I so often have heard the same thing in my own head, all my life, causing me to feel self-doubt, unlovable, and even worthless at times. (I’ve been reading one of Brene’s books on vulnerability, “Daring Greatly,” as well. It’s incredible!) The last few months I have spent working assiduously on opening myself up to the people I care about (friends, family), as well as to strangers, in healthier ways that preserve my sense of self. Rather than dwelling in the Cave of Shame over how unlovable I am because of X number of “failed” romantic relationships, I have been consciously transferring that same energy into slowly transforming the relationships with people who have always been, and will continue to be, in my life. Eventually, I believe the net benefits will “trickle down” to the field of romance – but that’s a tangential upside. It’s been hard work so far, though. Sometimes, it’s just so tempting to sit in the Cave and wallow. But if I can pull myself out of there, after having spent a lifetime in it, others can too.
And if you ever find yourself in that cave again, you have millions of hands to hold and help you get back up Mimi <3 Thank you so much for being a part of this tribe.
Your comment made ME tear up with so much gratitude, love, connection to and appreciation for you.
Sending you BIG love. You are believed in and understood.
It's nice to know that we are never alone 🙂 xx
I wrote something the other day about shame, saying it was like a heavy cloak. I asked Natasha to delete it, because it had some wrong words in it, due to predictive text. Writing at 5 am on an iPad is maybe not the best way lol.
I was sharing that I felt shame was a heavy and thick emotion. It holds you down. It holds you back. When it is linked to others, especially when you are a victim to them, it is very murky and dark. Because shame is tied so heavily to things either said, done, not said or not done, it lives on in us. We retain energy from events long past, and they are left for us to carry. Burdens like shame can keep us from moving forward. They leave us stagnating, unable to reach out for the light. The light within us. The light within others.
I used to hide, because I was convinced if people knew some things about me, they wouldn’t like me anymore. Natasha’s words are so right, you cannot avoid it, or choose to not acknowledge it. That is what keeps us in darkness. When you begin to see that you cannot grow while cloaking yourself in this heavy darkness, you begin to see that shame is a wasted emotion. It is dead. And it makes us feel the same. We lessen/downgrade ourselves through feeling this way – it is directly related to our sense of self worth too.
I love the analogy that all seeds, begin to grow in the dark. It doesn’t mean they stay there though. It certainly means they cannot blossom there. We have this one life. and we make choices everyday. When you love yourself enough, flaws and all, you can see you are not the sum total of events from your past. Mistakes, are not the thing that define us either. It is how we grow and learn and evolve from these things.
Shame tries to keep us down. Get out of the dark. There is nothing so bad about any of us, that we need to choose to heaviness and carry it around with us for years. Let it go, and be brave. We are meant to feel light. Holding on to shame has no purpose. Let it go. And breathe. And blossom. And know you are lovable. No matter what you experienced.
Love you Natasha and thank you for this beautiful piece. I love all the comments here on it. Blessed are we xx What a tribe!
This needs to be ADDED TO my post. What a beautiful heart you have and what a gift you have turned your pain into. I love you so much Lorelle. Could not agree more.
Thank you for never giving up on yourself and in turn – helping me, helping others here on PMS, and helping me do what I love. I love and value you endlessly. xx
I Just LOVE EVERYTHING about this site! Like many, many, many others, your blog has SAVED ME!!! It’s taken me over a year to get through the darkness, feel the gut wrenching and heartbreaking pain; work through the grief, and alas….emerge on the other side.
I’m just tip toeing around or on (TBD) the flower buds of possibility and happiness. I am inspired and remain hopeful that finding balance, contentment, love and joy is possible. Although I am frightened, I am finally able to welcome and embrace a varied, vivacious and fragrant bouquet of life’s new adventures.
I applaud each and every one of you for your shared thoughts, situations, emotions, trials and tribulations. I know for myself and my healing that I can identify with each and every one of you! It’s an AMAZING feeling to be connected to something VERY BIG and VERY POWERFUL!!!
Let the shi**tards remain pungent and stale!!
Let’s all recognize ourselves and our successes; no matter how miniscule or trivial they may seem. Each and every day we need NOT (no longer need to) strive for perfection. Our perfection is simple.
Just.BE!
As Spring approaches, I wish you ALL healing prayers and to remain diligent on your path. Like all of you, some days are much harder than others.
Having just read Irena and Natasha’s posts, back-to-back, I can’t help but smile. (What???? S-M-I-L-E!!) These two courageous woman have so genuinely shared and lent insight to our common denominator; the inexplicable abyss of darkness, abuse (and self abuse) to which we have been we have been exposed (subject to, victimized) and are all too familiar with.
This tribe is truly FORMIDABLE!!!! As you choose to step outside of your comfort zone, put a little skip in your step and dance towards your future!
May you all blossom and flourish!! With love, gratitude, empathy (that I am PROUD of!) and respect. BE A BAD ASS!!! WHY NOT???? xoxox
PS. Natasha, you do not require a “book deal”. I never post on social media but felt this response absolutely necessary. Since I have been following you your blog audience has doubled, almost tripled. You ARE ACCOMPLISHED! You obviously wear many hats and they all suit you; Author, speaker, poet, woman, intellect, beauty and above all, conscious, open and loving human being.
Your strength is our victory! Publish your book and your tribe will follow. As has your blog, your career path will only expatiate. We all eagerly await and anticipate your book!!!
You will complete it when it’s “time” and the fruits of your labor will be endless!
THANK YOU AGAIN and AGAIN FOR CHOOSING A PATH IN WHICH TO LIVE YOUR LIFE (change yourself, expose yourself )that is healing, beautiful, real and of so much comfort and support to all of us.
I look forward to all of your posts, they manifest when I really need them, and I will never stop reading.
I read your beautiful comment 2 x over. Thank you for being with me from the beginning and for taking the time to write a message that I will always treasure <3
Thank you for surviving yourself and your pain. Thank you for being such a light for so many who don't comment but are stuck in the darkness of these emotions we deal/have dealt with and THANK YOU especially for what you said in the "PS" - I don't know you or your name, but I can say that I love you with all my heart. Thank you for existing. xox
Also, I was planning on self-publishing the book until a series of events happened that I cannot wait to share <3 your comment just silenced my anxieties and reaffirmed that it's all working out just the way it should 🙂 Love you. xoxo
YES!!!!!! 🙂
Hello Natasha, and anyone reading this!
As always I come to your blog for emotional support and I find exactly what I needed. You know I have been through what I thought was the worst break up I ever had with an emotionally unavailable man thanks also to your blog. And I came out of it stronger than before.
Now, I was with a guy in an on and off relationship (kind of my fault kind of his for this “on-and-off”). And the last time I saw him he made me feel so ashamed of myself just because we ended up sleeping together again and after that he said he did not want anything from me anymore. And I cannot feel more ashamed than this. Since this happened I felt used, and stupid. I am so confused because I had always been very strong. I am used to get right back after a rejection (I feel like I get nothing but those, actually), but this time it seems SOOOOO much more work to do. And reading your blog it made me realise that maybe this time the core problem is not the rejection, but the feeling of shame that I got within it. That is probably why I cannot seem to see the light and I keep thinking that I am truly not worthy of any love. and most of all, I feel like I am not me.
It is true that reading that you feel the same way makes me feel a bit better. I am not quite ready to actually BE better and move on but at least I know I am going to get there.
Lots of love from Italy xx
Elena
My dear Elena,
You WILL get there because you are already on your way. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your connection, love, and for affirming that I’m not alone in this. Thank you for shining the light that you are here on PMS and thank you for existing.
All my love to you soul sister. xx
Thank you so much for this post Natasha! I truly believe it was one of the most raw and personal you have written and for that reason alone you touched each one of us. Not only did I feel a strong connection to what you were saying, I don’t feel alone. You’ve created an incredible community, free of judgement and full of wisdom. I look forward to seeing what you continue to accomplish!!
Thank you, Giuliana! I’m glad that you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it.
No judgment ever – just love 🙂 Thank YOU for your love and for being all that you are. Thank you for surviving yourself, your pain, and for being a part of this tribe. XOXO
When you listed all of your self doubt and all of the thoughts in your head Natasha I think we all connected. As women we tend to put so much pressure on ourselves..we never think we are doing enough or are reaching for enough..we are always multi-tasking and just get lost in the hustle. When you said you hadn’t earned your psychology degree it brought back that year that I had visited my ob/gyn and mentioned to him that my nipple was itchy and he said it was just a rash and prescribed an ointment..I then thought I should proceed with a full physical from a new primary physician..I googled and googled and I found one that was perfect with great reviews..I go to her office and she is not available even though the receptionist had confirmed she would be when making my appointment…low and behold I am passed on to her PA and I said “NO, I AM HERE TO SEE THE DOCTOR, NOT THE PHYSICIAN’ ASSISTANT!”…well when I sat down with the PA I told her I had been urinating too often and everything I had been feeling and threw in the info about my itchy nipple and how my ob/gyn prescribed the ointment, and she asks me to lay down so that she can feel my breasts..I was 36 and and thought “why is she asking to feel my breasts? I am here about a UTI”…I proceeded to lay down and she tells me she feels a lump and I tell her “my ob/gyn already felt that lump and said that since I am in the middle of my menstrual cycle it is normal to feel lumpy”..she insisted I go in for an ultrasound to “ease her mind” as she put it…my ultrasound was followed by a biopsy that led to a lumpectomy that later turned into stage 0, aggressive ductal breast cancer that was followed by a bilateral mastectomy…ALL BECAUSE I WAS SEEN BY THAT PA, not the doctor who owned the practice. I’ll always be grateful to that PA because SHE WAS ENOUGH to save my life. Natasha, you are gifted, and that is why we all keep coming back to you. You don’t need a degree to have been born with this gift to heal with your compassionate words. xoxo
Rosa,
I want you to know that I took a screenshot of your comment and shared it with my Mom, 3 clients, and re-read it over 5 times. There is nothing I can write to you that would even come close to expressing how much this and YOU, mean to me. Thank you so much for sharing this – not just for the incredible compliment you gave me but more importantly, the POWER of listening to your gut and giving people a chance. I am so grateful your life was saved. By sharing how it was saved, you have saved so many. Of that, I am sure.
Love you sister. XO
Thank you for sharing with your mom, she was in my thoughts as I wrote my comment. Love you too!!! xoxo
WOW.
What an inspiration you are Rosa. Thank you for sharing. You have inspired me to look into an issue with my own health now. Love you Natasha!
To all the girls and occasional boys that are on here I’m looking for a breakup buddy someone please help me stay on my white horse. This blog is the best in the world Natasha is busy but I’m not alone reading so many ladies on here. Xxx
Please comment to Tanya if you need a breakup buddy too (also Tanya, reply on my Instagram to other reader’s comments that you see are going through the same. You are not alone. xx
Hello Tanya! I am right here. It is always good to have someone that knows what you are going through because they’ve been there, or because they are still there. It is good just only to have someone willing to listen, sometimes. Should you need anything from an ongoing reborn-from-break-up buddy just contact me (find me on Instragram as @elepinkina). You are not alone, sister. You are NEVER alone.
Xx
This love and support is what I searched for my whole life. It’s what I wanted this tribe to be built of and to see it here like this… Thank you. Just thank you.
Love you both Elena and Tanya. xxxx
Thanks from the bottom of my heart Catherine 🙂 I’m happy that you loved this post as much as I did writing it. xx