Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
The hardest thing to do when you’re in the midst of a breakup, the worst heartbreak you’ve ever experienced, drama with friends, or an emotional trigger you can’t find your way out of, is to stay on the white horse.
The white horse and I didn’t use to be friends. I used to think that the white horse was stupid, weak, and not even an option.
It all started after my boyfriend at the time and I were going through what I was politely describing to other people as a “rough patch” and what would honestly be described as “I’d rather receive a televised enema of fire than go through this pain and mind f*ckery for one second longer.”
I found out that he had not only cheated on me but that he had cheated on me with someone I considered a friend. I had been lied to for months. I found out about it all before either of them knew that I was aware of what was going on. Immediately, I transformed into Tony Soprano’s protegé. My own thoughts began to acquire a wise-guy accent.
I wanted to catch them, frame them, call them both out on their crap, yell at them and then slowly, very slowly, torture them. Basically, I wanted to ruin their lives and make them feel as uncomfortable, hurt, upset, and humiliated as I felt.
Right as I grabbed my phone to call my boyfriend and get the plan in motion, my Mom called. I had to answer.
The moment I heard her voice, I lost it. I emotionally went from Mafia boss to 16-year-old Natasha who just asked out her crush to Homecoming the day before homecoming because no one had asked her and he said: “sorry, I have to feed my sick dog that night” (true story) and everyone laughed and I cried. I was crying so hard on the phone that my Mom got in her car and drove up to Los Angeles.
“You’ve got to stay on your white horse,” she said.
No matter what you’re going through, be it drama with friends, dealing with an ex, dealing with a toxic family member or a friend who has used you for the last time… jump on your white horse, stay on her, and don’t get off.
In fairy tales, the prince always saves the distressed beauty as he comes galloping in on his white horse to save the day. The knight in shining armor rides on his white horse from all the wreckage, swoops up the damsel in distress and all is saved, made right, and well with the world.
Do you know how that knight doesn’t ever get off his horse? How he keeps his eye on the prize and never wavers in his vision, demeanor, and behavior?
You need to be your own knight in shining armor. Be the class act that everyone is in awe of instead of the psycho that needs a muzzle and a leash. Exhibit some grace under pressure when all you want to do is retaliate and react.
A monkey could snap its fingers, flip its hair and throw out a few one-liners that are sharper than a dagger. It takes someone with real strength to remain calm, communicate through their actions, and move on.
The short-term pain will translate to a lifetime of emotional and relational gain.
Don’t give into trying to show grown adults “the right way” to behave or lose your cool and get labeled as the resident maniac. It’s not your job. Don’t let people set off your triggers and push your buttons. Only you know the combination to that lock. Not them.
If you want someone to know how you truly feel and what they’ve truly done? Stay calm. Never lower yourself to a level in which you attempt to re-package and throw back pain and anger just so you can feel like you’re in control for a hot minute. It will boomerang right back every time.
Sometimes, these people will antagonize your unhinged reactions because as long as you go crazy on them, they can turn it around on you and say that your crazy behavior is why they did what they did in the first place.
You can be completely out of control in your head, be out of control when talking to your best friend about it, be out of control when you’re crying in the car thinking “how could they?!” but to the people that have hurt you, tried to push your buttons or done anything deceitful and have an expectation that you are going to act a certain way… surprise them.
Stay on your white horse. Take a breath; be calm. If someone disrespects you and makes you question your worth, ACT by folding once and for all. Wash your hands of the bs and be done. They won’t know what to do with that because most people are incapable of matching their words with their actions. Genuinely express one time (not multiple times, which lead to multiple chances/excuses), that you’re deeply hurt and that you’re done.
This will get to someone so much more than you freaking out and screaming at them, harassing them, crying, etc.
You want to do all that, I get it. You want them to feel your pain.
Write it out, comment here on the blog, scream it out to a friend… whatever you have to do to get it out of your system, do so behind closed doors. Say what you have to say once, be calm, and gallop off into the sunset on your own white horse.
NON-REACTIVITY is a superpower.
Be remembered in your own fairy tale as The One That Got Away because she handled her sh*t with dignity.
We are white horse warriors 🙂
– Natasha Adamo
Are you done with toxic relationships and ready to attract (and be attracted to) healthy relationships? Do you want to connect with others on a deeper level than the comments below? Click here to become an Emotional Mastery Member and learn more. If you’re looking for more personalized, one-on-one help, you can work directly with Natasha Adamo here.
I can so relate to this. It’s so hard but i’ve gotten much better at this. This is one of those posts I’m going to have to read and re-read!!
Loved this. I had the exact same experience, but I was probably falling off my horse the way I delt with it. But it’s so true.. Be your own knight and shining armor.. This can be related in my life right now in so many ways… So helpful!
LOL! GIIIIRL ME TOO. FACE PLANTED
I have travelled outside country to try to forget about him for the the time! 2 last times were failure. This time is different. However, I was sitting and something happened that saddened me so first thought was call him. He us maybe still perceived in my head speed dial for safety. Then I realised he also hurt me si why turn to him.
I googled should I call my ex and came across ur page! If I wont call today or any of coming days its thanks to you. So thank you.
I am so surprised how accurate your description is in everything u can even predict their reaction. Is all asshols same ?! My god! I am interested in one o one coaching but its showing currently full booked.
Please get in touch
I’m so happy and honored to have helped in any way. I love to give everything that I wish I would have had.
Please do not call. You got this! And you’re so much better than settling for what broke your heart.
All toxic people are not the same, but they share many common denominators.
Make sure you are subscribed to my email list and when I post a new blog post, you’ll get an alert. Upon posting a new blog post, I will open my coaching back up until it books up again.
Thank you for being here and thank you for being you, Nezha. All my love to you. xx
This is one that’s so hard to do but once it’s done, it’s so worth it! Seriously, I need to post this one on my fridge.
You post it on your fridge and I’ll make t shirts too
Luv it! This is the type of advice REAL women need. Women who know their worth. I am going thru some really tough s**t figuring the truth out in my relationships right now, and these words are pure gold. Thanks for sharing this!
Thanks babe 🙂 xoxo
White horse – my favorite animal, how fitting.
I did exactly this. I caught him cheating with several women and had a 3 hour FaceTime with him. The first hour, he gaslighted, blamed me, blamed others, etc. I showed him all the evidence for it but was calm throughout the whole process. I never raised my voice once and told him how I was hurt, how integrity was broken, and how it was hard for me to regain trust. I said that I myself have my own shortcomings that manifest in differnt ways and I don’t put him lower as a person. I said that he is a greater man than this behavior and I’m saddened to see that a man I respect so much is acting in this way. I told him I don’t hate him or am angry at him. Rather, I am disappointed and hurt. I apologized for any women in his life that had cause him pain for him to need to reach out to several women and break integrity with a woman he loves (loves).
I said that I needed time away from him for me to heal and process this experience but I still respect him as a man because I see the better version of him, not the one he chooses to be. At the end of the conversation he was crying and apologizing. He said I was the first women who didn’t make him out to be a villain.
This was an incredibly difficult conversation for me to engage in because I cried all night prior. But I realized that only love can break the violence of hate. And by me retaliating or going batshit crazy wasn’t going to help us.
Needless to say, I’m not dating him anymore, and though we’re still in communication (due to work commitments), I know my values and worth enough to not go back to him. 🙂
I LOVE YOUR USERNAME!! 🙂 Thank you for reading and for sharing your story and your truth. All my love to you xxxx
This is perfect.
As a late 40 something soon-to-be-divorcee (my choice), getting back into the dating scene is scary as f*ck.
2 months ago I was dumped via text. TEXT! By my 46 yo boyfriend of 3 months. I told him (also via text) that I was sorry that he felt that way and that I hoped he’d one day find what he’s looking for. And then I blocked him on social media and cried all night and continue to cry periodically now.
But at least I stayed on my white horse, even though I’m without reins.
I love this blog! I wish I had of read this about six months ago before unleashing my inner crazy brought out by the narcissist who hurt me so badly. Amazing how that can happen to a normal level-headed girl who has never before fallen off the white horse and was even made to feel bad for not doing so — how messed up is that!? Still not back to myself — or over any of it completely — so going to read this every time I start to slip. Thanks Natasha!
I’m happy it helped! 🙂 XOXO
I wish I could of read this earlier too. I let go of my crazy self to my ex that I never knew it exist in me. Oh well, you live and learn and stay classy.
This is the best thing I’ve ever read about break-ups. Everything I’ve felt (which is a lot) has been documented on this blog. Thank you so much for helping me understand my own feelings.
You’re going to make me cry! Thanks Lucy, I’m happy it helped 🙂 xx
I love your blog, the way you write resonates with me, and I’m sure with so many other women/men out there. I am currently doing my best to stay on my white horse, it’s not easy though, is it? I thought that I wanted more than anything for my ex-BF to come back to me and proclaim his love for me and that he can’t live without me. Then he DID… just this past weekend (after 3 months of no contact). I thought it was what I wanted… I’d been dreaming about it secretly, even while showing the world that I was strong and able to take care of myself without him in my life. When he came back, for 2 days I waffled… I told him that I still love him too and toyed with the idea of getting back together. (Which if I had done, btw, would have destroyed my relationship with my daughter and my parents, that’s how much control I allowed him to have over me!) 🙁 Then suddenly he showed his true colours when I decided to let him know that I still need more time to myself in order to heal and keep learning to love ME first – he lost his s*^* (in text messages, not to my face) and immediately went back to his GF who he had dumped the day he told me he still loves me. He told her that he loves me, but will be with her if he can’t be with me, and SHE ACCEPTED IT! My head and my heart finally connected that day (actually, yesterday lol) and I told him good luck in life, but I’m done.
NOW.. he keeps texting me, trying to re-tract what he said/did and trying to twist the story to make me feel bad. He knows exactly what to say to make me question myself.. and I’m tired of it. I want to freak out on him, but I WON’T – I just don’t know if I’m supposed to ignore these messages and eventually he’ll go away or if I have to again text him and say enough is enough. I don’t want to hurt him but I’m done with being hurt BY him.
I’ve come so far, and yet there is still a part of me that continues to be the little girl who really wanted the Disney fantasy to come true.
Thanks Shelagh! 🙂 You are loved and supported. Keep coming back here to the blog. You’re not alone. xx
Thank you Natasha! 🙂 I just wanted to let you know that on Sunday I had a true, deep chat with myself and really listened when I told myself that I didn’t like the way I was feeling about these ‘games’ he was playing. And so I cut him off completely – I had already deleted everything I could think of that ever indicated we were a couple, but I took the extra step and I’ve blocked his number and his email. My heart feels SO much stronger now. I’ll keep staying on my white horse as best I can! Thank you again xo
Yayyy! Keep staying on your white horse and just know that you are loved. You did it! xx Proud of you 🙂
I’m 38 years old, I had a very emotional and psychological abusive beginning. I learned to put boundaries in place with my mother. I love my mom but she’s a narcissist. I met my husband at 15 we married at 19 and I had 2 children with him at the tender age of 21 & 22. We split up approximately 8 years ago. He cheated and I moved on, he chased me; made me feel like I was to blame for the breakup due to my mother having 25 year affair in which I was made to accept at 5 years old, or I wouldn’t be able to have a relationship with her. I felt terrible I started to subscribe to every single thing he said and made me feel. I fought for him chased him and ate shit and accepted him back no questions asked. I thought we had moved forward leaving the past in the past. 3 weeks ago he stone walked me for a week, I asked wtf is going on. He said that I am no longer his best friend he used to be able to talk to me but not anymore. I asked what was wrong? He couldn’t tell me, he doesn’t know . I asked how can we fix it. Again he doesn’t know? I said let’s try counseling. He doesn’t believe in it but if I want to do it fine. I’m so over the bullshit, I’m a great wife and mother a wonderful successful woman, yet I’ve given this jerkoff the free pass to mind fuck me. I’m selling my house and moving on! I don’t care how much it’s going to hurt and how many women he’ll parade around. Loving someone should never be this hard! And there is something very wrong with me that I have allowed this to happen. I wish I found you 8 years ago Natasha. Your words are chicken soup for the soul, I feel like your behind me, saddling up my white horse.
Much peace and love to you for all that you do!
What a beauty you are inside and out. Thank you so much for not only sharing, but for being a part of this tribe. Your love and support mean everything to me ? All my love to you soul sis. xoxo
Excellent post. Really helped me in the sad times. Sometime I wonder if the person is emotionally unavailable or a loner who needs someone to act first, call him first or talk to him first. Why all the love and care you give, goes unnoticed and then even though you want to move one….you still keep thinking if the person needs you and you are not doing the right thing by deciding to move on. Please let me know your suggestions.
Thank you Anjali!
I wish that I could help, but I have too much to say to type it all out and not enough hands to type or hours in the day. This is why I cannot give specific advice in the comments. I’ll try to write a post soon that further explains this.
Thanks for the love, for your sisterhood, for reading and for your understanding.
You’re not alone XOXO
This website is amazing. It is exactly what I need to hear after yet another emotionally unavailable guy started acting cold and distant out of the blue. I have so far maintained my dignity by not freaking out on him (though I really want to punch him in the face!). I don’t feel doubtful of any of my actions and I wouldn’t have done or said anything differently. And I am going to stay on the white horse.
YES! You go girl! 🙂 You are loved, supported and believed in. XO
Brenda, yes! Exactly! I am going through the same thing, and for the first time in my life, after reading this blog for months, I can look back on the situation and feel confident that I wouldn’t have said or done anything differently.
Non-reactivity really is a superpower.
Natasha thank you so much!
YES. IT. IS!! thank YOU Kim! Proud of you! 🙂 XO
Commenting here every time I get the urge to call my ex and cry and beg and make a fool of myself. Commenting here to remember to stay on the white horse. <3
YES! Proud of you Willow 🙂 XOXO
I just found out that my boyfriend cheated on me a few months ago. This is exactly what I need to read (and continue reading). Thank you for all that you do, reading your posts has completely changed my approach to this situation. Thank you xx
Thanks Sharna 🙂 I’m happy it helped! You are loved, supported and never alone. xx
I love your blog Natasha. It has really helped me through my break up. My ex was most definitely emotionally immature and unavailable. I was with him for a year, and we lived together for about 7 months. He moved from another state to be with me. He told me I was his world, and I was the only person who was ever really there for him. His mom and dad even said, I was the best thing that ever happened to him. His boss told me I had changed him and they’d never seen him do so well.
Well…he was wonderful at first, and then one day we got into a fight, because he wouldn’t take his shoes off in my apartment. He cursed and threw his shoes down, calling me a nag. I told him whenever he asked me to respect his things, I did. Whenever I asked him to respect my things…he’d ignore me. We didn’t talk for 3 days and when he finally saw me, he stood up and said…I’m leaving. He packed all his stuff up right then and there…and walked out. Haven’t heard from him since. That was 4 months ago. He has a new girl friend now. It really hurt. Completely opposite of me. I’m tall and thin with dark hair. She’s short and very overweight, with blond hair. I do stalk his social media though (he’s a performer), but I’ve calmed down a lot. He seems so super happy…but I noticed a lot of the posts. he’s always drinking, or people post stuff about “let’s get wasted again.” He’s definitely got a drinking problem, but hid it as best he could when we dated.
Anyway…he hasn’t contacted me since the day he walked out (YEAH…he walked out on me). Everyone was shocked. They called us beauty and the beast. Well after he walked out, I got on my white horse and road off in the opposite direction. He hasn’t heard a word from me, and he never will. Reading your posts have given me so much strength, and even though I probably will never hear from him again and will never know if he regrets losing me (my bruised ego), I will never contact him and will stay classy. I just know, one day he WILL regret it.
You go girl <3 I'm honored to have played a part in your healing and realizations. Thanks for being a part of this tribe Grace. You are a gem. Keep doing what you're doing and just know that you are loved, supported, believed in, understood, backed and never, ever alone. All my love to you soul sister. x
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and understanding. You’ve helped me to realize that I haven’t been setting good boundaries, so I have huge issues with both my family and also my ex. I just broke up with my ex last week, and after dating him for FOUR years, I really thought he was the one. I was really sold out on him. Even though I broke up with him, I immediately felt a huge amount of regret and guilt. I basically have been trying to crawl back to him for the past week. Thanks to your blog, I see that I do deserve so much better and that anyone who actually cared for me wouldn’t let my heart be so broken as it is right now. This past week, I felt like the world was falling down on me. I seriously have never felt so much pain and betrayal.
What do you do if you have already kinda acted like a psycho? Because my initial reaction to all this rejection was to beg for him back. Do I just get on my white horse and walk away, or is there something more than that since I’ve already played a bit of my hand by going crazy?
Thank you again for your amazing blog. I followed you on SnapChat. xo
Thank YOU for your love, sisterhood and support. I’m honored to have played a part in your healing and realizations 🙂 I would speak with your actions and disengage. I wish I could elaborate more, but I don’t have enough time in the days and I would need more details. Thanks for understanding <3 You are loved, supported, believed in and never, ever alone.
YAY! I need to post more on Snapchat! I'll get better at it lol. xx
The best advice to give at this point is to back off completely. You need to take the time to find out what exactly you want. Are you going back because you’re afraid of being lonely despite the many issues you may have with this guy? Or you genuinely feel like you guys have a fair chance of making it work? You have to think your decision through not when you’re emotionally overwhelmed. Weigh your pro’s and con’s, evaluate carefully what you’re feeling, then decide.
Love this! I am going through a very difficult break up and this is great advice.
Happy it helped!! 🙂 xoxo
This is everything I needed to hear and more. This has changed my life. Thank you just isn’t enough. <3
I’m honored to have helped <3 xo
Reading this post today is so timely. My self-absorbed boyfriend of 6 years has pulled a disappearing act (not the first time) where he did not tell anyone where he was for a whole week before making contact (claimed he left his phone at home). He has stayed out of contact for 2 more weeks after I gave him a piece of my mind about how human beings should treat the ones they care about. This is on top of a heap of other selfish behavior that I will not take the time to list. I have decided that enough is enough and have been trying to come up with a plan for how to handle this final straw breakup business. Some of my ideas lie on the border of “crazy ex-girlfriend”. This is extremely helpful and I am going to do my best to stay on that white horse, because I fully expect him to show up on my doorstep penniless and downtrodden after getting into one of his typical, self-inflicted pickles….expecting a shelter, a handout and a comforting romp in the sack. Not this time, buddy.
Proud of you Nicole <3 You stay on that white horse and just know that you're loved, supported, backed and believed in beyond measure. Sending you love. XOXO
What is a white horse exactly?
It’s explained in the post 🙂 XO
Is it too late to get on the white horse after falling off? I haven’t gone completely off the path but I definitely haven’t been the best with my recent ex.
It’s never too late <3 XO
Thank you so much for all your posts.. you’re really helping me want to remain strong and calm so that he sees what he missed out on.
Hi LG! I’m honored to have helped <3 Thank you for your love, support and for being a part of this tribe. Sending you big love and hugs. XOX
I am riding the white horse but still feel like I am dying inside. It’s so painful I almost think what’s the difference if I fall off, it really can’t hurt anymore. But I will keep riding. Thanks for the blog.
You are loved, believed in, understood, backed, believed in and never, ever alone. Sending you love Sarah. I know it’s hard. You got this. xoxo
Natasha, this post is great, but it does make me feel guilty;( I recently reacted to something my ex did. It was in a calm and collected manner and I didn’t tell him off or go crazy or anything like that, but still.. the point is i shouldn’t have reacted at all, I should have just kept on living. Have there been times where you reacted and weren’t on the white horse and didn’t go out so gracefully?
OMG YES. Too many times to count! Don’t feel guilty, you always have the chance/choice to get on the white horse. I write about how many times I’ve gotten off of the white horse throughout this blog. Wish that I had the time to elaborate further.
You are loved, supported and never alone. Thanks Lina 🙂 xo
This is one of my favourite posts. I’ve read it countless times.
This. Blog. Right. Here.
I think this is my favorite blog you’ve ever written and I religiously follow you. You helped me get through a really bad breakup two years ago where I thought I was never gonna shake it. I had never been that low before over a man, except maybe my dad, but that’s a whole other issue I won’t even go into. Let’s just say he was the ultimate relationsh*t that started it all. haha
Anyways, I’m happy now and I’ll never let myself go back to that dark place ever again. No ONE is worth it.
Kara, I want to hug, high 5 and take you to lunch all at the same time. Thank you so much for your love, support and for being a part of this tribe. I can empathize with you on every level. You are valued, appreciated, loved, understood and supported always. Love you sister. XO
For one, I must say that your posts hit me harder than anyone other internet advice/self-help article ever have. Of course when it comes to people you’ve been involved with for a while, it’s appropriate to communicate your real feelings calmly, one time. Then cut them off. My question is this: what about the ones that disrespect us reallllly early on. For example, a guy leading you on for only a couple weeks, sleep together quickly, then sudden loss of interest. Is it appropriate to communicate with them how that hurt you when they never made any *real* promises to you? Or is it best to just say nothing and cut them off? Currently I’m just cutting this person off but part of me wonders if I have the right to express to him the pain he caused. But I know he doesn’t deserve the satisfaction of having had the power to do that to me. Not sure if there’s an easy answer but I guess I’ll just continue to ponder it while on my white horse ???
Hi Alicia! I’m all smiles 🙂 Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Based on what you have written (need more details; wish that I had the time to adequately answer/advise in the comments section), I would say to just speak with your actions when in doubt. Sending you so much love. XO
I allowed myself to believe that she knew me more than I knew myself. I allowed myself to be convinced to come back over 5 times, each time believing the sh*t that she said about only wanting to love me and going to make efforts and blaming me for ”not being able to accept love”, running from fear of intimacy rather than running from my sighting of major red flags. I allowed myself to have panic attacks every other night in her arms or alone in my own bed and then thank the sh*t out of her for saving me and sticking it out with someone like me cause ”I am such a burden”?!?!?! Following through with apologizing a million times for being too sensitive to her tactless comments towards me in private or around others and having my feelings hurt?!?!?! UGHHHHHHHH I thought I had passed this. I thought all wrong. Natasha, question for you: How do you REALLY know what your little girl inside wants? Sometimes I’d ask her: Do you want to stay in this relationship? And I’d get a mix of Yes and No (at that point totally abandoning myself for what seemed most exciting). But I swear sometimes the little girl inside jumped up and down in joy looking forward to go see my now former-girlfriend and smiled at the thought of her lovely soft cheeks and clean smelling hair). I thought I was doing it for my little girl inside that really wanted to love and be loved and have a lover/confidant/best friend! Deceiving myself in the end, ending the nights in screams, tears and absolute confusion……… 🙁 <3 The worse part is, I told her EVERYTHING about me, all my flaws, all my sensitive spots, all my fears, never realizing she used them to tell me I was always overreacting because of those fears.. and I eventually saying ''Wow, you're right''. Trusting her more than myself. Thank you for this blog. I have to admit, things that empowered me, like this blog, I unintentionally avoided during the relationship because yeah I guess I didn't wanna face the truth that I must have really know deep down. What mixes me up most is I know she's a good person, she always stays around for people that need her, listens to people's problems, even works in a refuge for homeless people. She genuinely wants to be a savior for others and chooses to date those who are ''unstable'' and already ''lost''. Did I project all my insecurities on someone that really did want the best for me and wanted to help me? 🙁 <3 ANY ADVICE WOULD HELP. THIS IS THE MOST DEVASTATING THING. (Finally left for good less than 48hours ago)
I just found this blog a few days ago and have been catching up on all the wisdom. Gay guy here, who loves the snappy phrases, metaphors and community of support, and who would be honoured to join the Tribe. The idea of being my own knight on the white horse, with calmness as the secret weapon, is truly inspiring. Thanks for being here during the painful aftermath of an Emotionally Unavailable Narcissist.
Hi Nathan! 🙂 So happy that the blog has helped!
Thank you for being a part of this tribe and by connecting with my pain and experiences, affirming that I was never/am not alone myself.
Read this if you haven’t already: https://postmalesyndrome.com/the-one-thing-you-need-to-know-about-your-narcissistic-ex/
All my love to you. You are never alone. XX
Thank you, Natasha! The way you distill the whirlwind thoughts of emotional turmoil into a clear, vivid metaphor is a true gift. I’ve read your linked post a few dozen times over the past few days. It’s brilliant and makes perfect intellectual sense, but I still find myself caving emotionally throughout the day, so that’s when I immediately go back and re-read it. Sending my love and support to everyone on this site.
I’m so happy that it has helped 🙂 XOXO
You have no idea how much your words have got me through the most devastating break up. I stuck to staying on my white horse and have not fallen off. It was hard at first but easier as time went on. It is important to have a good support network as well as a journal too.
I’ve read your blog and so many great articles!
Thank you Natasha! ?
I’m all smiles 🙂 Thanks for being a part of this tribe Suzy!
All my love to you soul sister. You are never alone. XOXO
This saved me today. I was triggered when I saw him coming from lunch with a coworker. While I know it is nothing romantic, I immediately went into the ” He can go to lunch and have long conversations with everyone else at work, but when it comes to me I was used, discarded and every time I asked him to join me for a drink, a walk or lunch I was told ‘no'” mode where all I wanted to do was email him and let him have it.
Then I remembered all of your advice, and instead, I cried a bit in the bathroom stall, then went for a coffee and read some of your posts.
I am angry, hurt – everything, still but I swear I won’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he still affects me. I am polite but other than that –
I will NEVER give him the time of day.
Thank GOD I let this wave pass, the other result would not have been worth what little dignity I got back 10 months after he got engaged and ended our “friendsh*t”.
So thank you as always Natasha! xox
I am so happy to help. You go girl 🙂 I know it’s hard.
You are never alone. Thank you so much for sharing and for just being YOU. xoxo
this blog saved my life 🙂
I am so happy and honored to help 🙂 Thanks for making my day Fahreen and for being a part of this tribe. xx
This is very difficult for me. Toxic people, who play mind games, who cannot or won’t be transparent or understanding, are the ones who hurt us the most – and they are the ones I wish to get off of the white horse for and shake some sense into, if only to release myself of all the poisonous thoughts that have built up.
I’m sure I have already been labelled as crazy by this one jerk who had been playing me for months – what can I do here? I have a very difficult time letting go of my anger because of how unjust the whole situation was.
I wish that I had more hands to type and hours in the day to directly advise here in the comments section (thank you for your kindness and understanding). Read this post, I hope it helps with your question ?
I was lied to and manipulated and the person doing the controlling was a person in a position of power in my career and a romantic partner. It’s so hard not to want to continually show my power (even though I did by getting out the contract and honoring my word AND going on to be successful as an artist). There is still something I want to do to show this person how badly they burned me, were still not even because they still have power in my industry — mediating on the healthiest and wisest path. Any action on my part that is not so would require getting off my white horse and that’s obvi not an option. Gladly taking input 🙂
great article and all very true….I recently dated a narcassist for 6 months, got the silent treatment and blocked him. I never told him how I felt or anything else…don’t ever stoop to their level…walk away with your head high and let them deal with their own issues. Always take the high road as difficult as that might be. It is always for the best. I wanted to have a conversation to end it…but that was not going to happen with a narc…so you let go…
I could not agree more Jules 🙂 I want to hug and high-5 you at the same time.
So happy that the post was helpful! Thanks for your love, support, and for being a part of this tribe. xoxo
Natash, have you thought of writing a book and expanding on this concept ? I keep coming back and re reading this article every day , as it struck such a deep chord in me ! I am going through a traumatic breakup right now and your words give me some much needed perspective and strength. I really think this concept is one that could be expanded on further as it fascinates me and is something that society nowadays doesn’t seem to value or encourage – to me it is reminiscent of the ancient movement of stoicism. Thank you for being such a wonderful writer and for inspiring me and giving me strength during a very trying time . I hope you continue to write more and more as I can’t get enough of your funny and witty , but most of all massively helpful , articles .
Thank you so much Sparkle! 🙂
Yes! – I have a pre-order option for my book along with a course on No Contact that discusses this concept extensively. You can find it on my new personal site, http://www.natashaadamo.com
ALSO, if you haven’t already read them – My Mom wrote an incredible guest post on this concept (that she came up with), and I wrote another.
Here are the links:
Thank you for your love, support, and for being a part of this tribe. xo
I feel so in control because I haven’t been off my horse in 2 months! The week he abandoned me after 4 years I texted and called but after he finally sent me a text telling me he needed space (original, huh?) I got up on my horse and started riding into my new future. Thank you for this great information. I love your writing style! Very funny too!
YAAAAAA 🙂 !!! Thank you for sharing! xoxo
Two nights ago, I leapt off the white horse in the name of emotional cutting. A family emergency had rattled me beyond belief that I just NEEDED to talk to my ex. It had been 78 days since the breakup and 78 days NC and I botched it because the pain contraction seemed unbearable. The interaction was brief and we were cordial and respectful to one another. The aftermath has been debilitating. The wound feels as raw as ever and I know that I can’t ever do that to myself again. Being “friends” with reality has been incredibly hard but I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn’t take much to send a text message. I have to keep reminding myself that just because he responded does not change him from a pig to a prince, and that words are cheap. In serious need of this tribe today and I’m getting back on my white horse. Much love to you, Natasha!
Brie, I have been there and you are definitely not alone here ?? This isn’t nearly as bad as it feels, just get right back on your white horse and USE the feelings associated with getting off to stay on and ride into your own sunset ? You got this. xx
This post is awesome. My ex disappeared about a year ago. We dated for 14 months, came back from vacation and were making plans for my birthday, and then poof! He vanished.We never had a fight, and he never approached me to talk about whatever was bothering him. I didn’t chase, I didn’t beg or cry. I didn’t sling insults or lose control. After a month of his disappearing act, I calmly informed him via text that I didn’t want to be with someone who would treat their partner like that. That I deserved and expected better. Of course, then he responds with apologies. I wished him luck, cut him off, and sent his belongings back to him (no note). I didn’t even give him a chance to explain, because there were no explanations good enough to excuse that kind of behaviour. He wasn’t ill, or going through some traumatic event. He was just being an immature, emotionally unavailable, 36 year old sh!t. Your article has shown me to hold my head high, because I instinctively stayed on my white horse, and rode off before wasting any more time on him. Thank you!
KP, thank you endlessly for sharing this! I wish I could hug and high-5 you in person. You are incredible. All my love to you soul sister. xox
This is me not falling off my white horse.
My ex of less than 24 hours got blackout drunk, emailed his ex to come over, and they slept together. I thanked him for telling me, wished him well, and now I’m on here making sure I don’t send a hate filled rant his way.
I am my own princess charming 🙂
Don’t do it!! YOU GOT THIS MW!
And yes, YES YOU ARE.
Love you. Thank you so much for sharing. XOX
You got this. And you are never alone.
This post has been extraordinarily helpful this week as I navigate the waters of extricating myself from an emotionally unavailable man. What started out as loving, compatible relationship quickly circled the toilet bowl to “flush” in a matter of two months. I saw it coming…he’s newly separated…she cheated…she finds out he’s met someone new and becomes “human” again towards him…he caters to her emotional needs again. I am left with a shell of a man juggling a soon-to-be-ex wife and new relationship. Fast forward to the END where he is telling me how he is messed up. depressed, drinking too much yadda yadda. Yes you are and yes you need to get your life back on track, I told him. But I won’t be there to hold your hand or play armchair-therapist anymore, I told him too. (Some may call me mean, or lacking empathy, but if there is anything I know about men, they like to solve their own problems. ) I stayed on my white horse during that brief phone call and hung up with him knowing he was no longer invited into my life. It’s a weird feeling in some ways, but I know this is the only way it can be…..I love having this information and I am grateful. [insert heart].
I am confused.
Does white horse mean moving on completely from a bad relationship and never looking back or does it mean to stay cool and not make things messy until the situation is resolved and the decision to what needs to be done is taken?
I am a 20 year old guy in a relationship and she broke up with me a month ago.i was angry and loosing it all made situation even more bad.i should have read your blog earlier but i am reading it now
Hi Shawn! I’m so happy that the posts have helped ? Staying on your white horse means having your own back, not reacting (instead, responding with your actions) and thus, keeping your power and dignity in tact ?? What you are asking is much more specific and I would need to know more details. Wish that I had the time to advise on here (thank you for your kindness and understanding ??).
And thanks for being a part of this tribe ?
Finding your blog has literally saved my sanity thank you x
So happy and honored to help in ANY way! You are never alone Clare. xxx
Folks. I want y’all to be aware to stick on the white horse is difficult especially “UNFINISHED BUSINESS” that you invest in friendshit/relationshit placed 100% trust and confided in the BIGGEST REWARD YET TO COME INTO FRUITION turn out crash all the way beyond the core after revealed being betrayed and cheated. Trust shattered. Left for bunches of someone else then being so happy. I feel like I “jump started” her success and drained me out to rot. Recharge and rebuild is like taking 1,0000.0000 steps to get back on the white horse. Including break a few steps on the way up. Funny thing ex gf used to tell me that “I’m the shinny armored knight on the white horse”. Whatsoever she said, all, means nothing. Fact I was the goddamn bravest knight on the mofo bad ass white horse that had gut to free her of her oppression from her god feared mother that impact a big change of her life after revealed her betrayal/cheated. Why can’t her coward life long friends, especially one of her living skill counselor-friendshit, done her a better favor to free her from those oppression and “coach” her to drama-lying against her love ones before I came into her life. All those for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
Truth set free. THAT DEFINES ME A PURE BAD ASS SHINNY ARMORED KNIGHT ON A HULK WHITE HORSE! That’s something I should remind myself this accomplishment the best gift even though I’m still hurting but it gets lesser, lesser, and lesser over the time. Thank to this PMS that I have contributed my angers and shared y’all my experience. Over the time of re-read the con/pro I shared y’all and I’m realizing it’s the best that I’m out of her life and complete my 1,000,000th steps and get on it! Natasha. Thank you.
It’s like I feel a deep knawing of staying silent equates to me not being heard. I feel so small when I don’t talk about my feelings because my mother was negligent and swept everything under the rug. Now that I have forgiven my mother and we talk she can always see others shit and tell me not to take it. She doesn’t realize all the women I have dated are just like her. Lol but anyway what u said in this post it’s like I have always known this and have used this analogy with others but learning to use it for myself.
I’m so happy that the post helped. Thanks for being you, Aryi. And thank you for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you.
You are a genius. The Toxic Narcissistic Creep behaved exactly like you said these ****s do – calling, texting, and emailing in search of an ego massage. WIth my senses on alert, and having read what you advise, armed and warned – it was all so plain and clear – all his entitlement, whiny self-absorption, calculated use of tired, worn-out cliches … In the past, I would have fallen for it, let self worth fall by the wayside and rolled myself flat out like a rug for his boots. Now, though – NOTHING. NADA. Not a hint of any reaction in me, except for incredulity (he is too stupid to know how obvious he is, the poor loser).
I am free, FREE. Thank you for helping me to saddle, care for and stay on my white horse.
YAY! SO HAPPY that the post helped and that you are FREE.
All my love to you. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. xox
Thank you so much for your posts you write. I keep coming back to your page. I am going through everything you talk about and have read almost every article on your site. My husband is divorcing me after 1 year of marriage but ten years of being together and we have a little 3 year old son. He is a very monetarily successful man but comes from a very broken and fractured family/childhood. He drinks a lot and for years I ignored all the read flags because of stupid financial security. Something I didn’t have growing up because I group up in a religious cult/community but slowly but slowly over the years he has degraded me and reduced me to the point that I literally believe I am worth nothing and I have no idea who I am. He has told me I am ugly and he could find younger hotter girls because he has money. I am a stay at home mom so I feel even more isolated. Our story has so many layers but so much of my self worth came from this toxic relationship and I find myself keep aching and going back to him (calling and texting excessively) just to get that crumb so I can feel something good about myself because I can’t stand the person I am or that I have become or have been made to believe I am. I am not ugly and take very good care of myself. I get my hair done, workout. I am super skinny and he’s told me I am fat. I bought the “no contact contract” and read it and was determined to follow through but I always have these triggers that send me spiraling (like the holidays when we weren’t together as a family) or if he’s just mean to me and the stuff he says or acts around me when he comes to see my son, he acts so cold, heartless and annoyed and then I follow off my white horse and be some that psycho/insane person he always said I was and then I beat myself even more and so the merry go round continues. I feel so helpless and lost at the money.. I don’t even know how to get out of this cycle because I have to see him because of our son and that always brings up emotions over and over again. It’s just so hard to stay on the white horse but I am determined to…. I don’t want him get the best of me or have the last laugh. I know I can do this and am so much stronger then, heck I had to raise my 14 year old sister when I was just 21years old and still trying to figure myself out…..it just feels so insurmountable at the moment. Thank you for all you write. It explains me to a T. I know my fear of losing him is not letting me let him go and I need that for my healing. He is a very toxic person who only blames me for the problems in our relationship.
Sorry that was long. I just really appreciate your articles and they give me hope when I feel so helpless.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing, for being you, and for being a part of this tribe ♥️ You are not alone. I’m so happy that the course and posts have helped; it’s what I live for. I live to give everything that I wish I would have had. I know how hard this is, but please stay on your white horse, keep having your own back and just know that we are all here, for and with you my friend. Xox
So I’ve stayed on my white horse since he broke it off & broke my heart. I thought he had my back, turns out he didn’t. I was also disappointed in myself for concentrating on projections & promises, & not actions! I ignored all coloured flags. It has been enough months that I should be totally over it, & I try not to berrate myself for that.
Silly little thing flicked a switch today, & I wanted to get down off my white horse that I’ve been riding for so long & spell it out to him. I read this article instead!! I would rather him not know. I’ve got better things on my horizon. Thank you for snapping me out of it ❤
YAYYYYYYYYY!!!! SO HAPPY AND HONORED to help. You go girl.
Thanks for sharing and for being a part of this tribe Sarah 🙂 xoxo
I really needed this.
You are not alone, CV.
Sending you all my love. Xox
Reading all of the comments has helped so much. I didn’t know how lucky I have been to have reached this point in my life without having encountered an emotionally unavailable man – oh, I’ve dated my share of losers – the list is long and not distinguished 🙂 But this one…..I moved to a new area where I knew no one because of a job. After 6 months, I got on a dating website and met this guy in the first hour. He was super smart, funny, and we had EVERYTHING in common. He lived 4 hours away but that seemed like the “adventure” part. We started texting almost immediately and exchanged several every two or three days (didn’t really raise the flag that I was the one always initiating because he replied immediately). We talked on the phone about once a week and he was so impressed that he had met a woman who was smart, had a good sense of humor, was physically fit, and comfortable to be around. After my last experience with someone I had NOTHING in common with, this was a breath of fresh air. We met halfway between our homes after a month (had to wait for the COVID vaccine to do its work) and I never felt anyone was so in to me – comfort was immediate, he was very complimentary, and even acted a little shy. Over the next five months we saw each other about 7 times – I drove every time to where he was. The text messages were becoming fewer and I was starting to see that as an issue. After three months, I tried to have the talk with him about our relationship. OF COURSE he didn’t want to commit (not what he had been saying earlier on) – he had a company he’d been working on and that was his first priority. I was so much fun to be with, why couldn’t we just have fun and me not dump him. I fell off the horse and called him after a week – he was very happy to hear from me. A week later we talked again and he laid new “rules” on the table, no more physical intimacy, no talk of relationship, just have fun. AND I AGREED 🙁 My white horse had probably bolted for greener pastures. Two weeks later we met and it was a special evening – we talked like we never had before. In the following two weeks he opened up about feeling vulnerable with his work and his worries. I supported him and he appreciated it. Then, a week ago, we met again. This time he was sarcastically cruel 🙁 he had always been very jealous (because I thought he cared about me) but on this particular evening he questioned how I felt about him, my plans to leave him, etc…When the evening was over, I told him I didn’t want to see him again – he FLED to his car and told me to get out of the way or he would back over me. I drove home the next day heartbroken. We exchanged some emails where I told him I card and what I was looking for. He told me nothing had changed for him and that his company was still the first priority. I wanted to make him see what he was missing, but wouldn’t you know, I looked up and there was the white horse waiting to be mounted. I got on carefully, sent a nice email saying this is what happens when people don’t have the same relationship goals and that I had enjoyed knowing him very much. He had sent an email asking if I was still planning on moving closer – I told him I was entertaining several options. Its been two days now, I cry a LOT, but I stay mounted and resist the urge every hour to text him. Don’t know how long this will take…but reading these blogs and everyone’s stories, helps me stay on the horse. So glad I found this site…..you are the reason I can keep my balance
Hi (I absolutely love this nickname!) White Horse Jockey!
Thank you for taking the time to comment (and by doing so, helping countless others, who can’t find the words or are too shy to comment, feel less alone in their experiences and pain). Thank you for being a part of this community. ❤️ So happy that the posts have helped; I live to give everything that I wish I would have had.
You are not alone. I wish I had the time to write more (thanks for your kindness and understanding), but keep having your own back and staying on your white horse. You got this!
The pain is here to pass, not to define you. Xox
Thanks so much Natasha – your advice “the pain is here to pass, not to define you” has become my mantra. Been a week now, still hurts so much but I re-read your blogs all the time and it helps a lot. Bless you for giving us the “unvarnished” truth – not hope for the return of someone who isn’t right for us, but hope that we WILL find someone who is
I have come back to this post again and again for years, I could recite every word by heart. This is the post that got me through the toughest times in my life. The words on this page gave me confidence to finally stand up for myself, to put myself first. Natasha, thank you being the older sister I don’t have. I appreciate all your posts, but this one? No exaggeration but this one changed my life. I haven’t tolerated any BS from anyone since I began following the advice written here.
Thank you <3
Same SQ, this article alone has saved me again and again for the last 3 years. I’m reading it now so I don’t fall off my white horse. Nothing has ever helped me as much as Natasha’s Blog. Nothing!
I love and appreciate you so much, CT. Your comment (and the love that I feel behind every word) made me tear up.
I have an entire chapter on this in my book. I hope that you’re able to read that too 🙂 Thank you for being you.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe. Your love, connection, and support mean everything to me. Xx
I couldn’t agree more – this has done more for me than any other advice anyone’s given me. Whenever I get hurt by someone I come straight here. And here I am again.
All my love and gratitude to you, SQ <3
I’ve read this post at least a dozen times in the past couple weeks (I’m new to this site). I need this strength right now, because I have to say goodbye once and for all tomorrow. I’ve been crying most of the day. I nearly fell off my white horse this afternoon—but I DIDN’T. I’m still there, holding on with both hands and all of my broken heart. I’m hoping that I can channel this wisdom tomorrow afternoon. Thank you, Natasha. These words are my support.
I am so happy and honored to have helped in any way, Christine. You are not alone.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe/community. Thank you for you.
You got this. Xox