“Will I ever find love again?” is a question I get asked every day from people you would never in a million years guess they’d have any issue finding true love. These are people who have built incredible lives for themselves. They’re successful, have amazing friendships, and are ready to find the kind of love that makes all the heartbreak of their past seem worth it. Instead of validating their fears on a daily basis.
Whether you’re asking yourself “will I ever find love?” or “will I ever find love again?” feeling out of the loop is never fun. You go on social media and it’s always another happy family photo, an engagement announcement, romantic trip, baby announcement, your ex appearing to be a better person with a better person or another great trip you’re not on that populates your feed (or if you’re stalking, your recent search list).
How did love seem to forget about you?
Why does everyone else, who isn’t even one fraction as deserving and aware, get the happy ending that you want more than anything?
And because you’ve built a great life for yourself and have your sh*t together, it’s even more baffling.
Deep down, you know you’re a catch but you can only subscribe to that belief for so long before you start to question your worth, the point of life, and surrender to your solitude.
You then begin to doubt your own standards. Friends and family tell you that you’re being too picky. Maybe you are, but you’d rather be alone than settle. Everything around you seems to affirm the impossibility of finding a loving relationship with an emotionally available partner who you actually connect with and are attracted to.
There isn’t some magic formula or answer to “will I ever find love again?”
For me, it took shifting my mindset and identifying the mistakes I was making more than it ever took implementing any kind of rule or technique. I didn’t feel like true love should have to come at the expense of my self-love.
No one wants to have to play games and withhold their own emotional abundance to momentarily attract it in a partner just because they are consciously limiting the supply.
I initially wanted to make this list about how to find love but then I remembered…
You could be fishing with the most expensive, top-of-the-line fishing equipment known to man and no matter how incredible the equipment is and how skilled you are at fishing…
If you’re trying to fish in a puddle, you’re never going to find anything other than bacteria and filth – no matter how much you believe that your skill and fine equipment will attract a whale. Whales don’t reside in puddles and puddles are so shallow, they don’t require fishing equipment.
It’s time to figure out why you’re in the puddle and get you back out to the coast.
If you’re wondering, “will I ever find love again?” here are the three mistakes holding you back…
Mistake #1: Thinking that you’re one of the chimps.
A few weeks ago, my best friend was at the Smithsonian (these are our exact texts. They are personal, unedited, and I apologize for any incorrectness grammatically or politically. My intention is always to be real and help).
He texted me:
“I’m looking at timelines of early humans. These beings that look exactly like chimpanzees would huddle around eating things they found, and then a couple million years later they looked slightly more human, huddling around fires, then hundreds of thousands of years later huddling around fires with tools. Then about a hundred thousand years ago, finally they started to look more like people. Millions of years of males and females huddling around fires together and procreating. All I can think about is how hard it is to find a mate given this has been going on pretty naturally for millions of years. I think they were a lot less picky then.”
He then sent me this photo and texted: “I mean look how easy it was for them.”
I took a few moments to study the photo and replied:
“I know what you mean. It is hard. Unfairly and annoyingly and hopelessly hard to the point of it being maddening. Especially when you were put on this planet to be the fire for them all. That’s what you are. And there wasn’t a lot of fire. That’s why they all had to huddle around it. The fire helped them connect in the ways that they could and did. It’s extremely rare when one of them deviates from the group and connects with the fire because they have that same fire within them. You are I are fire. Most people are ashamed to admit they are fire because we are conditioned to aim for acceptance into the group that surrounds it. And even when I’ve connected with someone who has the fire in them and sees the pointlessness of the group and the rarity and value in my flames, their flame doesn’t always burn in a way that’s conducive to mine. Sometimes my flames burn theirs out or theirs take the irons out of mine. Which is even more annoying. I’ve also made the mistake of thinking someone had the fire within them just because they liked feeding off the warmth of mine while downplaying its existence. As the fire, we fall hard for those who have the courage to deviate from the group and tap into their own fire to appreciate ours, but their flames are nothing if they’re not self-stoked. We will lose our own fire if they rely on ours to keep theirs going.”
Bottom line: You are pure fire. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t still be reading and connecting to this. You’d be congregating with the chimps in a game of follow the follower. Give yourself the time to get to know someone. Don’t let your insecurities fire-label others. That’s a title that they’ll earn through there patters/actions (that match their words).
Just like there’s so much more sand than there will ever be pearls, there are many, many more chimps than there will ever be fire. This is why they all needed to huddle around it.
If you’re wondering “will I ever find love?” remember that your fire will never be acknowledged and appreciated in the way you deserve until you have the courage to reignite and acknowledge it within.
Mistake #2: Searching, shopping, and hunting.
Stop trying to “get” love and search for it as if it’s something that can be acquired in that kind of way. Love is not a commodity. It should not have to be persuaded to get something, to give, or to be honest. Similarly, love is not something that you can expect a return on. It has to be shown.
If you think about love as something that has to be found, it will make it that much harder to find and that much more dramatic/impossible to keep. The key here is to understand that true love cannot be found – It can only be made. You have to make sure your toleration for bullsh*t is low and your standards are high.
What you have to find is not love. You have to find a person who is capable and worthy to make it happen with. I never stopped loving, I simply started to love in a smarter way. I started to love people by putting myself in their shoes and realizing that they needed love. I stopped outsourcing my empathy and love to those who were not only unworthy, but that I relied upon to change who they were (a toxic person) so that I could feel worthy.
Mistake #3: Allowing yourself to be used.
Confidence and self-love are the most attractive qualities.
The secret to attracting true love is to truly love yourself. You can’t love yourself and simultaneously allow others to doormat you.
So how do you go from doormat to in-demand?
- Always listen to people’s patters (which are made up of their actions) over their words.
- Believe more in who someone has unfolded to be and who they are right now, in this moment, than you believe their apologies.
- Understand that you can forgive someone without wanting to reconnect and rebuild a relationship with them. Forgiveness is nothing more than adjusting your boundaries in light of accepting how someone has unfolded.
- Fall in love with what is consistently in your atmosphere. It’s so.much.hotter than pinning over potential.
- Know your worth. Don’t ever look for others to see in you what you can’t see in yourself. You will lose every time.
- If you don’t know your worth, remember that the only way you will ever figure it out is by implementing boundaries. Have your own back enough times and you’ll be more protective of that self-made progress than you will ever be thirsty for validation.
Remember, the fire doesn’t need to do anything to get the chimps around it. It just is.
And the only ones who will ever appreciate your fire on the level that you deserve…
they have that same fire within them too. And you won’t have to open an investigation to find it.
You’ll feel their consistent warmth because they radiate it on the same level you do.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationships, please look into working with me here.