If you feel like life forgot about you and you’re wondering, “when will I find my soulmate?”… you are not alone. I have felt so lonely and forgotten about in my life. And the shame associated with it all was even more crippling than the solitude.

We all have relational expectations. If they aren’t met by a certain age, we adopt a belief system that affirms our perceived worthlessness. This sets us up for an attraction to toxic relationships. We then wonder why we’re being lied to, cheated on, devalued, and disrespected at every turn.

At this point, there’s a fork in the road. You can either be a victim or, you can decide to turn inward and build a life of your own.

This got me thinking about how many times I’ve been asked by readers, clients, and how many times in the past I’ve asked myself, “when will I find my soulmate?”

The biggest fear that all of us asking this question have: What if I never find my soulmate? What if I don’t even have a soulmate?

And since we are doing the “what ifs,” let’s keep it going.

What if you were told that you had a terminal condition and only had this year to live? How differently would you live, behave, and think? What would you want to do?

Think about it. I know that I would live much more consciously. I’d take nothing for granted and I’d try to accomplish as much as I possibly could in that year. I wouldn’t put up with bs – from other people and my fears.

Guess what? We are all suffering from a terminal condition. It’s called LIFE. And to the best of my knowledge, none of us will make it out alive.

It should never take having to hear that you only have a year to live for you to start living on your own terms, changing your habits, and dismantling a negative belief system. The same goes for soulmates. It shouldn’t take having to hit rock bottom and obsessively worrying that you’ll never find your soulmate for you to grab hold of your destiny and love YOURSELF.

Once you have the ability to extinguish your fear of the unknown, you can then start to actually live and attract the love you deserve.

Why do we view some people as superhuman? Why are these people’s beautiful and inspiring quotes on everyone’s social media pages? How do they seem to get even more beautiful with age? Why are they so admired and constantly revered, turned to, respected, and emulated (but never duplicated)?

What’s so different about them?

It’s not that they are any different. It’s that they’ve spoken their truth, faced their insecurities, and become the embodiment of everything they needed when they were younger. They’ve become their own savior and soulmate first.

Am I saying that you’ll never find your soulmate and that you only have a year to live? Not at all. What I am saying is that it’s a lot better life when you’re a cake that’s already edible without the icing. If you are, then when anything sweet comes along, it just compliments a cake that’s already delicious on its own. Some cakes taste so bland, the icing is the only thing that makes it “a cake.”

Stop waiting for life to happen to you. If you’re happy, stop the self-sabotage. Stop waiting for the sky to fall or something to come along and “take away,” your happiness. If you’re not happy, stop waiting for your soulmate to appear so that he/she can be your confidence crutches, and give you an identity/sense of purpose. Make it a goal to live your life as though you are the soulmate you always dreamed of.

Through every breakup, humiliation, divorce, illness, hardship, negative bank account statement, failure, triumph, interview, happiness, travel, celebration, etc., the only constant in the story of your life has been you. NOT your parents, NOT anyone – YOU.

If you’re still wondering “when will I find my soulmate?” remember this…

You are the only one who has been with you through everything.

YOU are the one that has wiped every tear and been with you through every sleepless night.

Whether you like yourself or not, you’ve been with yourself through thick and thin.

And guess what? You are still here, right now. You MADE it; your heart is still beating. How does this not define a once-in-a-lifetime soulmate?

We have to stop waiting around and start appreciating where we are, what we’ve endured, and what we bring to our own table.

Once you’re truly able to do that, you’ll be at your most desirable and attractive. Not because of anything superficial, but because we are at our most beautiful when we’ve finally, given up on being preoccupied with anyone validating our beauty.

So for this new year, stop waiting around for your soulmate to appear and start to being your own.

Written by: Natasha Adamo