I write from the perspective of a woman because I am one. However, what I write about does not discriminate against age, wisdom, gender, or sexual orientation. I have been lucky enough to coach and connect with men and women in twenty-three countries around the world. I’ve worked with supermodels, celebrities, politicians, C.E.O’s, professors, professional athletes, students, entrepreneurs, musicians, single moms/dads, lawyers, psychologists, retirees in their 70’s, teenagers just starting out, and the list goes on.

What has surprised me the most: NONE of us are immune to red flag blindness, pain, toxic relationships, and thinking that somehow, our “not enough-ness,” is at the root of it all.

We ALL Google search the sh*t out of our exes issues, our own issues, and fears. We ALL stalk, obsess, and feel alone in our pain.

No matter what, I think we can all say that we are related to and have been in relationships (both friendship and romantic) with narcissistic people. For this post, I’m going to focus on narcissistic exes.

If you are trying to get to the bottom of “Is he a narcissist?” here are 5 lessons I’ve learned:

5 Lessons About Narcissistic Exes

Lesson #1: Narcissists are emotionally unavailable.

Emotionally unavailable isn’t just about unavailability for commitment. It’s about being unavailable for empathy, accountability, genuine connection, and anything that doesn’t serve their ego.

They can’t give what they don’t have. And what they don’t have is the capacity to see you as anything other than supply.

Lesson #2: Like attracts like – Reverse Narcissism

Who’s going to be attracted to a narcissist other than another narcissist? (this is what I call “Reverse Narcissism”).

You’ve got one person who has blinders on when it comes to anything other than their needs, agenda, and attention-mongering. You then, have another person who has blinders on when it comes to anything other than making the selfish behavior of their narcissistic partner all about their perceived lack of value.

Either way, no matter how you slice it, you’ve got two people who are making everything, all about them.

Both are unable to own their own behavior and because of this, unable to let the other person own theirs.

Lesson #3: The red flags you ignore will be why you break up

The same red flags that you choose to turn a blind eye to/work harder to try to be the exception to/negate, are the same reasons that you are in toxic relationship territory. They will be the same reasons why you break up.

Those red flags you’re ignoring? They’re not going away. They’re multiplying.

Lesson #4: You can miss them AND know they’re bad for you

It is possible to miss someone and know that they are not good for you. It’s okay to miss a narcissistic ex and know that you can’t get back together with them but miss them anyway.

However, if you keep getting hurt by someone, it IS possible to take your heart out of the boxing ring. It IS possible to stop equating being beaten up with being pursued. It IS possible to remove the wool from your eyes and acknowledge that you’re not only getting beat up, but that you don’t like getting beat up and deserve to never get beat up again (by yourself or anyone else).

It IS possible to partake in the JOY of being and avoid toxic investments. You wouldn’t do it with your money so why do it with your heart?

It’s okay to miss the HIGH that the sh*tty investment gave you as long as you stop viewing it as something worth investing in.

Bad experiences can have incredible moments. The goal is not to beat yourself up and allow guilt, shame, and blame to take over. The goal is to acknowledge your pain in the context of the awareness that you now have of your ex’s emotional and relational ineptness.

Lesson #5: Narcissistic exes are the hardest to get over

Narcissistic exes are the hardest to get over. The highs are unlike anything you’ve ever experienced and the lows, although deal-breakingly awful, are more easily looked past. You hang onto the memory of the last high as anticipation for the next one builds.

Once your relationship is over, narcissistic exes will also claim (whether on social media or however), to be/do/say everything that they withheld and told you that they’d never do. They will claim to now be everything that they consistently weren’t – honest, connected, responsible, empathetic, and accountable. They will often display their “epiphany” in the most selfish and hurtful ways.

And when you see all that, how can you NOT think it’s all your fault? How can you NOT think that you really weren’t enough?

This is trauma bonding. The addiction to the cycle. The hope that they’ll change back into who they were during the lovebomb phase (which was never real).

Is He a Narcissist? Take the Assessment

If you’re asking yourself, “Is he a narcissist?” here’s what you need to know…

Before we get to the assessment, understand this: Not every toxic person is a narcissist. But if you’re constantly questioning your reality, your worth, and your sanity with this person, this assessment will help you see clearly.

Instructions: Answer YES or NO to each question based on your experience with this person. Be honest. No one is watching.

📥 Free Training: The 3-Step ‘No B.S.’ Framework to Break Free from Toxic Relationships and Heal

The 25-Question Narcissist Assessment

SECTION 1: How They Treat You

1. Does everything always become about them, even when you’re in pain or need support?

• Example: You’re upset about something → They make it about how YOUR upset affects THEM
• YES / NO

2. Do they lack empathy for your feelings, struggles, or pain?

• Example: You’re hurting → They’re annoyed, dismissive, or tell you you’re “too sensitive”
• YES / NO

3. Do they gaslight you (make you question your memory, perception, or sanity)?

• Example: “That never happened” / “You’re remembering it wrong” / “You’re crazy”
• YES / NO

4. Are they extremely defensive and unable to accept ANY criticism without raging or shutting down?

• Example: You give gentle feedback → They explode, blame you, or give silent treatment
• YES / NO

5. Do they refuse to take accountability, always making everything your fault?

• Example: They hurt you → Somehow it’s YOUR fault for being hurt
• YES / NO

SECTION 2: Patterns & Behavior

6. Were they INCREDIBLE in the beginning (lovebombing) then completely different after?

• Example: Intense pursuit → Once you’re hooked → Cold, critical, distant
• YES / NO

7. Do they cycle between idealizing you and devaluing you?

• Example: “You’re perfect!” → “You’re the worst” → “You’re perfect!” → Repeat
• YES / NO

8. Are they a completely different person in public vs. private with you?

• Example: Charming publicly → Cruel, cold, critical privately
• YES / NO

9. Do they use the silent treatment as punishment when you “upset” them?

• Example: You have a boundary → They punish you with days/weeks of silence
• YES / NO

10. Do they keep you off-balance, never letting you feel secure in the relationship?

• Example: Hot and cold behavior, you’re always anxious about where you stand
• YES / NO

SECTION 3: Their Relationship History

11. Are all of their exes “crazy,” “abusive,” or “the problem”?

• Example: Every past relationship failed because the OTHER person was toxic (never them)
• YES / NO

12. Do they have a trail of destroyed relationships in their wake?

• Example: No long-term friendships, family estrangement, pattern of failed relationships
• YES / NO

13. Do they triangulate (use other people to make you jealous or insecure)?

• Example: “My ex never complained about this” / Flirting with others in front of you
• YES / NO

14. Do they cheat or have a pattern of having “backup” options?

• Example: Affairs, emotional affairs, always keeping other people interested
• YES / NO

15. Did they move VERY fast in the beginning and want instant commitment?

• Example: “I love you” / “You’re my soulmate” within weeks, talks marriage immediately
• YES / NO

SECTION 4: How They Make You Feel

16. Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells constantly?

• Example: Monitoring every word/action to avoid their rage, criticism, or silent treatment
• YES / NO

17. Have you lost yourself in this relationship (identity, confidence, friends, hobbies)?

• Example: You don’t recognize who you’ve become, you’ve isolated yourself
• YES / NO

18. Do you constantly question your own reality, memory, or sanity?

• Example: “Am I crazy?” / “Did that really happen?” / “Maybe I AM too sensitive”
• YES / NO

19. Do you feel anxious, depressed, or physically ill from this relationship?

• Example: Panic attacks, insomnia, digestive issues, constant stress
• YES / NO

20. Do you feel like you’re never “enough” no matter what you do?

• Example: Nothing you do is right, constant criticism, moving goalposts
• YES / NO

SECTION 5: Control & Manipulation

21. Do they control what you wear, who you see, where you go, or what you post?

• Example: Dictating your choices under the guise of “caring” or “protecting” you
• YES / NO

22. Do they use your vulnerabilities or secrets against you in arguments?

• Example: You shared something painful → They weaponize it to hurt you later
• YES / NO

23. Do they future fake (make big promises about the future but never follow through)?

• Example: Talks marriage/kids/moving in constantly but takes zero action
• YES / NO

24. Do they isolate you from friends, family, or anyone who might validate your reality?

• Example: Criticizes your loved ones, creates drama when you have plans with others
• YES / NO

25. Do they need constant admiration, praise, and validation from you (and others)?

• Example: Fishing for compliments constantly, need to be worshipped, rage when not praised
• YES / NO

Your Score: What It Means

Count your YES answers:

0-5 YES Answers: Probably Not a Narcissist

What this means: You might be dealing with someone who has some selfish tendencies or communication issues, but likely not full narcissistic personality disorder.

What to do:

• Assess if the relationship issues can be resolved through honest communication
• Set boundaries and see if they’re respected
• Consider couples therapy if you’re both willing to work on things
• Read about red flags to stay aware

Red flag to watch: If these behaviors are INCREASING over time, reassess in 3 months.

6-12 YES Answers: Strong Narcissistic Traits

What this means: This person displays significant narcissistic traits that are damaging the relationship and your well-being. Even if they don’t have clinical NPD, the impact on you is real.

What to do:

• Set firm boundaries immediately
• Document their behavior (texts, incidents)
• Reduce emotional investment
• Prepare an exit strategy
• Read: How to Deal With a Narcissist
• Consider if this relationship is worth the cost to your mental health

Reality check: Someone doesn’t need clinical NPD to be toxic. If you answered YES to 6+ questions, this relationship is damaging you.

13-18 YES Answers: Likely Narcissist

What this means: You’re almost certainly dealing with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or very severe narcissistic traits. This is not a healthy relationship—it’s an abusive one.

What to do:

• Accept that they will not change (Can a narcissist change?)
• Create a detailed exit plan
• Reconnect with your support system secretly
• Secure your finances
• Document EVERYTHING
• Read the complete guide to narcissists
• Prepare for the hoover attempt when you leave
• Get therapy for narcissistic abuse recovery

Critical: The longer you stay, the harder it becomes to leave. Start planning your exit NOW.

19-25 YES Answers: Severe Narcissistic Abuse

What this means: You are in a severely abusive relationship with someone who has significant narcissistic pathology. Your mental health, sense of reality, and possibly physical safety are at risk.

What to do IMMEDIATELY:

• Understand this is abuse, not a “difficult relationship”
• Create a safety plan (this is urgent)
• Tell someone you trust what’s happening
• Contact a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse
• Do NOT tell them you’re planning to leave
• Secure important documents, finances, access to resources
• Read about trauma bonding to understand why leaving feels impossible
• When you leave, implement no contact immediately
• Block everywhere, prepare for hoover attempts
• Consider legal protection if needed

You are not crazy. You are being systematically abused.

Is He a Narcissist? Here’s What I Learned

I used to have to be all in or all out. It was an emotional coping mechanism for me. When it came to narcissistic exes, I had to either vilify them and think that they were the scum of the earth or, I had to idealize them (as I de-pedestaled myself). Neither way ever worked. Indifference did.

The one thing that helped me the most in achieving indifference was realizing this:

Because I was in so much pain, I was trying to convince myself that my ex was an awful person and that he never loved me. This ended up adding salt to an already painful wound.

Just like my own reverse narcissism didn’t make me a terrible person, the narcissistic exes of mine are not bad people.

Not all narcissists are bad people and this post is not about being a good or bad person.

It’s about setting yourself free.

The Shift That Changed Everything

Because I am the girl that goes all-in when it comes to love, I also went all-in when it came to having to process a breakup in either black or white. I told myself that my heart could not handle any more grey, as my mentality spray painted everything around me in 50 shades of it.

The common denominator with narcissistic exes was something that I felt all along while in the relationship, but could never pinpoint and recognize for what it was – selfishness, emotional unavailability, a lack of emotional intelligence, and empathetic bankruptcy.

Like I said, I used to think for a really long time that a narcissistic ex had to be bad person. These guys were not bad people and I believe that many of them did love me as much as they possibly could.

I finally became indifferent when I accepted that what I was looking for just wasn’t in their emotional range.

The Math Analogy That Set Me Free

It’s like if you took me to a calculus class at the most prestigious university. It wouldn’t matter if George Clooney was teaching the class, and giving out 24-carat gold pencils – I wouldn’t take the class.

Not because the university isn’t good enough or the teacher isn’t hot enough or I’m unimpressed by the gold pencils.

Something about me: I can’t manually divide. I hate math and whenever I’ve tried to learn it, my brain just shuts off. Anything other than 4th-grade math is not within my range.

There have been so many times in my life where I’ve tried to like, love, and learn the proverbial math and every.single.time, I ended up being the sucker who gets humiliated and knew better from the get-go.

Whether your ex regrets doing what he/she did to you is a non-issue. The moment you are free is the moment you realize that narcissistic exes are not bad people – they just don’t have it within their emotional range to give you everything that you claim to want and deserve – everything that you are denying yourself or you would not be attracted to them in the first place.

Not being able to do math doesn’t make me a bad person – it makes me someone who is unable to do math (and who can admit it).

The problem with narcissistic people is that even though they can’t relationally add or subtract, they come to the table claiming to be the ambassador of mathematics.

They’re Not Bad People—They Just Can’t Give You What You Need

These aren’t bad people. They are painfully insecure and selfish people who are in serious denial and will never have it within their range to do the math (even though they claim to be mathematicians).

Narcissists are unable to command your respect because they misrepresent themselves left and right. They think that the truth has versions. Indifference sets in the moment you realize that these people are so self-involved, it never had and never will have anything to do with you.

If you met an amazing person online who represented themselves as a marathon runner and then when you met in person, you saw that they needed to use a cane to walk… would you tie your value to bringing out the marathon runner in them? No. You would accept that they cannot sprint (let alone walk without a cane). End of story.

Narcissistic exes don’t need to be vilified. They need to be acknowledged as people who cannot relationally sprint.

You CAN Sprint—So Start Running

Do you know who CAN sprint?

YOU.

SPRINT out of your own reverse narcissism. SPRINT out of the dysfunction, out of the bullsh*t, and know that no matter how skilled other sprinters may be…

No one will ever be able to ignite the sprinter in you more than YOU.

Narcissist vs. Just Toxic: Know the Difference

Not everyone who treats you badly is a narcissist. Here’s how to tell:

Bottom line: Even if they’re not a clinical narcissist, if the relationship is destroying you, it doesn’t matter what label fits. Leave.

What to Do After You Get Your Score

If You Scored 0-5:

• Re-evaluate the relationship honestly
• Set boundaries and monitor if they’re respected
• Consider if individual issues can be addressed
• Stay alert to patterns developing

If You Scored 6-12:

• Read: Dating a Narcissist – The 5 Stages
• Start documenting behavior
• Reduce emotional investment
• Build your support network
• Plan an exit strategy

If You Scored 13-18:

• Accept they won’t change
• Create detailed exit plan
• Read: How to Deal With a Narcissist
• Prepare for hoover attempts
• Get specialized therapy

If You Scored 19-25:

• This is abuse – treat it as such
• Safety plan NOW
• Tell someone what’s happening
• Secure resources/documents
• Read: The No Contact Rule
• Leave when safe to do so
• Expect trauma bonding withdrawal

Frequently Asked Questions

How accurate is this assessment?

This assessment is based on clinical criteria for NPD combined with common patterns reported by narcissistic abuse survivors. While not a clinical diagnosis, if you scored 13+, you’re dealing with someone who has significant narcissistic traits regardless of formal diagnosis. Trust your score.

What if they score high but I still love them?

Love doesn’t make abuse acceptable. You can love someone AND know they’re destroying you. Trauma bonding makes you feel addicted to them—that’s not love, that’s withdrawal from intermittent reinforcement. Read: Can a Narcissist Change?

Should I show them this assessment?

NO. Never confront a narcissist with evidence of their narcissism. They will: (1) Rage, (2) Gaslight you about your answers, (3) Turn it around to make YOU the narcissist, (4) Use it against you later. Keep this to yourself.

What if I think I’M the narcissist?

If you’re worried you’re the narcissist, you’re not. Narcissists don’t have that level of self-awareness or concern. You might be dealing with “reverse narcissism” (anxious attachment + people-pleasing + low self-worth). Work on your self-worth and boundaries.

Can couples therapy help?

No. Couples therapy with a narcissist makes things worse. They manipulate the therapist, learn new gaslighting tactics, and use your vulnerabilities shared in therapy against you later. If you scored 13+, don’t do couples therapy. Get individual therapy for yourself.

What if they’re getting help/going to therapy?

Less than 5% of narcissists who seek treatment show lasting change, and it takes 5-10 years minimum. Most go to therapy to manipulate you into staying, not to actually change. Don’t wait around to see if yours is the statistical anomaly. They’re not.

How do I leave safely?

Don’t announce you’re leaving. Create an exit plan secretly: secure finances, copy documents, reconnect with support system, plan where you’ll go. Leave when they’re not home if possible. Implement no contact immediately. Block everywhere. Read the safety plan in How to Deal With a Narcissist.

Will they change for the next person?

No. What you’re seeing on social media is the same lovebomb phase you experienced. The new supply will get the same cycle. They don’t change people, they change victims. Stop torturing yourself watching their highlight reel—it’s all a performance.

The Bottom Line: Trust Your Score

If you’re taking this assessment, you already know something’s wrong.

Trust that feeling.

Whether they’re a clinical narcissist or just severely toxic doesn’t matter as much as this: Is this relationship destroying you?

If you scored 6+, the answer is yes.

Stop trying to diagnose them. Start trying to save yourself.

You don’t need a clinical diagnosis to leave. You don’t need them to admit they’re a narcissist. You don’t need proof.

You need to choose yourself and get out.

Your Next Step: From Assessment to Action

If you scored 6+:

My book Win Your Breakup: How To Be The One That Got Away will show you how to leave and never look back.

If you need help creating an exit plan:

One-on-one coaching provides personalized support for leaving narcissistic relationships safely.

If you want to understand what you’re dealing with:

• Read: Narcissist: Complete Guide
• Read: Can a Narcissist Change?
• Read: Dating a Narcissist: The 5 Stages

Stop asking “Is he a narcissist?”

Start asking “Am I willing to keep living like this?”

Your score gave you the answer.

Now trust it.

Written by: Natasha Adamo

If you’re looking for further and more specific help; if you’re ready to stop questioning and start acting on what you know, personalized coaching with Natasha Adamo is the answer. Book your one-on-one session today.

Related Articles You Must Read:

• Narcissist: How to Recognize, Protect Yourself, and Finally Leave
• Can a Narcissist Change? The Brutal Truth
• Dating a Narcissist: The 5 Stages & How to Leave
• How to Deal With a Narcissist: 8 Tactics When You Can’t Leave Yet
• Gaslighting: When They Make You Question Reality
• Trauma Bonding: Why You Can’t Leave
• Red Flags in a Relationship: 27 Warning Signs
• The No Contact Rule: Complete Guide
• How to Build Self-Worth
• Emotionally Unavailable Men

About Natasha Adamo

Natasha Adamo is a globally recognized self-help author, relationship expert, and motivational speaker. With over 2.5 million devoted blog readers and clients in thirty-one countries, she is a beacon of inspiration to many. Her debut bestseller, “Win Your Breakup”, offers a unique perspective on personal growth after breakups. Natasha’s mission is to empower individuals to develop healthier relationships and actualize their inherent potential.