I’ll never forget how incredible it felt to learn what being emotionally unavailable meant. Everything suddenly clicked and started to make perfect sense. After years of unsuccessful, same-result-different-guy dating, I had FINALLY figured out what the reason was: emotionally unavailable men.

All I had to do was stop dating emotionally unavailable guys and my Happily Ever After would come. Easy. Right?

Not so much.

Despite my newfound awareness, I still wound up with, tried to be good enough for, and obsessed over emotionally unavailable boyfriends, friends, coworkers, classmates, and family members. Eventually, misery began to outweigh my delusion, and the victim card I had always so dutifully relied on stopped making me feel as innocent of a bystander as it used to.

In all of these relationships, the only common denominator was yes, emotionally unavailable partners, but it was also the one thing that I avoided with all my might… ME.

“Am I emotionally unavailable?” I thought.

There was no way. I wanted to be in a relationship. I was ready; I wasn’t scared to commit. If anything, I came on TOO strong. All I wanted was to be in a relationship. All I did was cry. I BLED emotions. There was no way.

After realizing that I was getting into relationships that reflected the one I had with myself, I had no choice but to look into the “am I emotionally unavailable?” question.

The people we are attracted to give us invaluable insight into what we exude.

I was exuding unavailability.

If you’re not asking yourself “am I emotionally unavailable?” you have no business wondering if anyone else is.

Let me help you figure it out—and more importantly, show you what to do about it.

What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Unavailable?

Emotional unavailability is the inability or unwillingness to:

• Connect deeply with others
• Be vulnerable and authentic
• Share your true feelings
• Commit to emotional intimacy
• Let people truly know you

It’s not about being cold or unfeeling.

You can be emotionally unavailable and still:

• Care about people
• Want connection
• Feel emotions deeply
• Desire relationships

The difference is:

Emotionally available people can share those feelings, be vulnerable, and let others in.

Emotionally unavailable people have walls, defense mechanisms, and barriers that prevent genuine intimacy—even when they desperately want it.

Why You Might Be Emotionally Unavailable (And It’s Not Your Fault)

Before you take the assessment, understand this: Emotional unavailability is a protection mechanism, not a character flaw.

You likely became emotionally unavailable because:

Childhood Wounds

• Parents who were emotionally unavailable themselves
• Conditional love (“I’ll love you if you’re perfect/successful/obedient”)
• Emotional neglect
• Being told your feelings don’t matter
• Having to be “strong” for others
• Being made to feel bad for existing
• Being made to feel like you were easy to forget/abandon

Past Relationship Trauma

• Being betrayed by someone you trusted
• Experiencing narcissistic abuse
• Getting hurt when you were vulnerable
• Being abandoned when you opened up
• Trauma bonding in toxic relationships

Attachment Style

• Avoidant attachment (learned independence, distrust of intimacy)
• Fearful-avoidant (want connection but fear it)
• Dismissive-avoidant (independence > connection)

Fear-Based Protection

• Fear of abandonment (so you leave first)
• Fear of being hurt (so you don’t let anyone in)
• Fear of losing yourself (so you keep people at distance)
• Fear of vulnerability (equating it with weakness)

None of this is your fault.

But healing it IS your responsibility.

15 Signs You Might Be Emotionally Unavailable (Before the Assessment)

Before we get to the detailed 20-question assessment, here are the patterns I noticed in myself and in working with thousands of people:

1. You get bored with emotionally available people.

As much as you claim to want the exact opposite, emotionally available men feel “boring” or like there’s “no chemistry.” You’re relationship history (with friends, lovers, family, coworkers, etc.), translates that you’re more comfortable being in a state of being undervalued and disrespected, than you are in a state of being valued, respected, and appreciated.

2. You lie about the dumbest things.

You feel like you have no choice but to lie about things that don’t even matter. You feel like if people knew the truth, they’d run. You micromanage your image obsessively.

3. You’re a chameleon.

You act like one person at work and another with one group of friends… and another with the other group of friends… and another on dates… and another with your family. You may have social anxiety because of this. You also may have a complete personality transplant after a drink or two. It gives you anxiety to think of these different “groups” of people that you know all being together in the same room.

You micromanage your image to the point of exhaustion because you feel like you can’t ever be your true self.

4. You look to external validation for identity.

You look to external validation and superficial items to give you an identity because you don’t know who you are. Whenever anyone has a preoccupation with the superficial, it ALWAYS signals low self-esteem.

5. You have high highs and low lows.

You have high highs and low lows in your relationships – with friends, family, and lovers. Nothing is stable or consistent.

6. You’re non-confrontational but love watching drama.

You’re non-confrontational, but you don’t mind having a front row seat to watch any confrontation/drama that you may have passively created.

7. You’re ALWAYS extremely busy.

You hide behind chaos because it justifies why you can’t ever be present; why you can’t be available to look in the mirror and address your issues.

8. You perform instead of connect.

When you’re on dates or hanging with friends, you’re more concerned with how you appear as opposed to having a genuine conversation, or seeing if there’s a connection. Dating and making friends always feels like you are auditioning for a part to play.

9. You talk about plans but never execute.

You like to talk about making plans, having goals, and all of these brilliant ideas but executing them gives you anxiety.

10. You’re a perfectionist with unreasonably high standards.

No one can ever meet them. Especially not emotionally available people.

11. You’re quick to label others as emotionally unavailable.

Instead of asking yourself “am I emotionally unavailable?” you are quick to label others as such. It’s always them, never you.

12. Your default mode is being the victim.

It’s always them, never you. You’re also very good at garnering pity from others.

13. You have the disease to please.

You have the disease to please but can’t ever please yourself. And no one can ever please you, ESPECIALLY the emotionally available people in your life. You exhaust them because you’re an unsolvable jigsaw puzzle who also, may be taking them for granted.

14. You’re attracted to people who don’t see your worth.

You struggle with seeing, loving and accepting yourself. Because of this, you chase after the affection of others who don’t see, love, or accept you either.

15. You blame everyone but yourself.

The common denominator in all your failed relationships is you. But you refuse to see it.

If more than 5 of these resonated, keep reading. The assessment will help you understand the depth of your unavailability.

The 20-Question Self-Assessment: Am I Emotionally Unavailable?

Instructions: Answer YES or NO to each question based on your patterns in relationships (romantic and/or close friendships). Be brutally honest with yourself—no one else will see this.

SECTION 1: Vulnerability & Opening Up

1. Do you struggle to share your real feelings, even with people you’re close to?

• You keep things surface-level
• You deflect when conversations get deep
• You change the subject when someone asks how you’re really doing
• YES / NO

2. Does vulnerability feel terrifying or like weakness to you?

• The idea of crying in front of someone makes you uncomfortable
• You see vulnerability as losing control
• You’d rather handle everything alone than ask for help
• YES / NO

3. Do you have a hard time saying “I love you” or expressing affection?

• Those words feel stuck in your throat
• You show love through actions but can’t verbalize feelings
• Expressing emotion feels awkward or forced
• YES / NO

4. Do you keep secrets about your past, feelings, or life from partners?

• There are things you’ve never told anyone
• You have walls around certain topics
• You’re selective about what you share
• YES / NO

SECTION 2: Commitment & Intimacy

5. Do you run or pull away when relationships start getting serious?

• As soon as they want more commitment, you panic
• You find reasons to end things when they get real
• The “I love you” conversation makes you want to flee
• YES / NO

6. Do you prefer casual relationships or keeping things undefined?

• Situationships feel safer than relationships
• You like the freedom of no labels
• Commitment feels like a trap
• YES / NO

7. Do you sabotage relationships when you start caring too much?

• You pick fights when you’re getting close
• You cheat or create drama to create distance
• You find flaws in them right when things are going well
• YES / NO

8. Do you date people you’re not that into (or who are unavailable)?

• You’re attracted to people who can’t fully commit
• You choose people you know won’t work out long-term
• Emotionally unavailable men are your pattern
• YES / NO

SECTION 3: Independence & Control

9. Do you pride yourself on not needing anyone?

• Independence is your identity
• Needing someone feels like failure
• You handle everything alone (even when you shouldn’t)
• YES / NO

10. Do you keep people at arm’s length emotionally?

• You have acquaintances, not deep friendships
• Even close relationships feel somewhat surface-level
• You maintain emotional distance instinctively
• YES / NO

11. Does being needed or depended on feel suffocating?

• When someone relies on you emotionally, you want to run
• Being someone’s “person” feels like too much pressure
• You need a lot of space and alone time
• YES / NO

12. Do you struggle to ask for help or admit you need support?

• You’ll suffer in silence rather than ask for help
• Admitting you can’t handle something alone feels impossible
• You see needing help as weakness
• YES / NO

SECTION 4: Past Relationships

13. Do you have a pattern of short relationships or ghosting people?

• Most relationships end within 3-6 months
• You disappear when things get too intense
• You’ve left good people because you “weren’t ready”
• YES / NO

14. Have multiple people told you you’re hard to read or emotionally distant?

• Exes have called you “closed off” or “unavailable”
• People say they don’t know how you really feel
• Friends say you’re hard to get close to
• YES / NO

15. Do you focus on your ex’s or partner’s unavailability but ignore your own?

• You attract unavailable people (but don’t see your role)
• You blame them for the distance (while maintaining your own)
• You want them to open up (while staying closed yourself)
• YES / NO

16. Do you feel relieved when relationships end?

• Breakups feel like freedom, not loss
• You’re sad but also relieved you don’t have to “perform” intimacy
• Being single feels easier than being vulnerable
• YES / NO

SECTION 5: Emotional Expression

17. Do you intellectualize feelings instead of feeling them?

• You analyze emotions rather than experience them
• You talk about feelings in abstract ways
• You’re more comfortable with logic than emotion
• YES / NO

18. Do you use humor, sarcasm, or deflection to avoid serious conversations?

• When things get real, you make a joke
• Sarcasm is your defense mechanism
• You deflect serious topics with humor or topic changes
• YES / NO

19. Do you shut down or get irritated when others are emotional?

• Crying makes you uncomfortable
• Other people’s emotions feel overwhelming
• You don’t know how to respond to someone else’s vulnerability
• YES / NO

20. Do you have a hard time identifying how you actually feel?

• Someone asks “How are you feeling?” and you genuinely don’t know
• You’re disconnected from your emotions
• You numb feelings with work, substances, distractions
• YES / NO

Your Score: What It Means

Count your YES answers:

0-5 YES Answers: Emotionally Available (Or Working Toward It)

What this means:

You’re either naturally emotionally available or you’ve done significant healing work. You can be vulnerable, you let people in, and you’re comfortable with intimacy.

A few YES answers are normal:

Everyone has some walls or areas where vulnerability is hard. But overall, you’re capable of deep, authentic connection.

What to do:

• Continue working on the areas where you answered YES
• Read: How to Become Emotionally Available
• If you’re attracting unavailable people, examine why (might be anxious attachment)
• Build boundaries so you don’t lose yourself trying to connect with unavailable people

Your strength: You can have deep, fulfilling relationships. Protect this by choosing people who match your availability.

6-12 YES Answers: Emotionally Guarded (Some Walls)

What this means:

You have significant barriers to emotional intimacy. You want connection but struggle to let people all the way in. You’re probably aware you do this but don’t know how to stop.

What’s happening: You let people close to a certain point, then hit a wall. You might share some feelings but keep your deepest self protected. Intimacy feels risky.

Common patterns:

• You attract unavailable people (mirror of your own unavailability)
• Relationships feel surface-level even after months/years
• You want depth but panic when you get close to it
• You’re avoidantly attached or fearful-avoidant

What to do:

• Acknowledge your emotional unavailability (you’re doing that now!)
• Identify WHY you’re unavailable (childhood, past trauma, fear)
• Work with a therapist on attachment wounds
• Practice vulnerability in small doses
• Read: How to Become Emotionally Available
• Work on self-worth (low self-worth creates walls)

The good news: You WANT to connect. That desire is your pathway to healing. You can absolutely become more available—it just takes intentional work.

13-17 YES Answers: Emotionally Unavailable

What this means:

You are significantly emotionally unavailable. Connection terrifies you. Vulnerability feels impossible. You keep people at arm’s length even when you desperately want closeness.

What’s happening: Your walls are high and thick, built from years of protection. You’ve learned that opening up = getting hurt, so you don’t open up. You might want relationships but sabotage them when they get real.

Common patterns:

• You only attract/choose unavailable people
• Relationships are short or undefined (situationships)
• You run when things get serious
• People say you’re “hard to read” or “closed off”
• You’re dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant
• You pride yourself on independence (because connection feels dangerous)

What to do:

• Accept this is a protection mechanism, not who you really are
• Identify the wound (What made you build these walls?)
• Get therapy specialized in attachment trauma
• Start small: practice vulnerability with safe people
• Read: How to Become Emotionally Available
• Understand your avoidant attachment style
• Work on self-worth and healing past trauma
• Stop dating until you’ve done healing work (you’ll just repeat patterns)

Critical truth: You can heal this. But it requires facing the pain you’ve been avoiding. The walls that protect you are also imprisoning you.

18-20 YES Answers: Severely Emotionally Unavailable

What this means:

You are almost completely emotionally shut down. Intimacy is terrifying. Vulnerability feels impossible. You might not even want relationships—or if you do, you can’t maintain them.

What’s happening: You’ve likely experienced significant trauma (childhood neglect/abuse, severe betrayal, deep wounds). Your emotional unavailability is a survival mechanism. It protected you when you needed protection.

But now it’s isolating you.

Common patterns:

• You avoid relationships entirely or keep them extremely casual
• You ghost people or push them away before they can hurt you
• You genuinely don’t know how you feel most of the time
• You’re completely disconnected from your emotions
• You see vulnerability as weakness or danger
• You may have been diagnosed with avoidant personality or attachment trauma

What to do IMMEDIATELY:

• Get professional help (this level of unavailability needs therapy)
• Find a trauma-specialized therapist
• Understand this is PTSD from emotional wounds
• Be compassionate with yourself (you’re not broken, you’re wounded)
• Don’t force yourself into relationships yet
• Focus on healing the underlying trauma first
• Read: How to Become Emotionally Available
• Consider EMDR, somatic therapy, or attachment-based therapy

You need to know: This isn’t permanent. But healing requires professional support. You can’t do this alone (ironic, I know, since you do everything alone). Reaching out for help is the first act of vulnerability—and the first step to healing.

Why Being Emotionally Unavailable Costs You Everything

In Relationships:

• You can’t have deep, fulfilling connections
• You attract other unavailable people (mirror patterns)
• Relationships are short, surface-level, or nonexistent
• You’re lonely even when you’re with someone
• You never feel truly known or seen

Emotionally:

• You’re disconnected from your own feelings
• You can’t process emotions healthily
• You’re lonely but terrified of closeness
• You want connection but sabotage it
• You’re stuck in protection mode forever

Mentally:

• Constant hypervigilance (is this person safe?)
• Anxiety about intimacy
• Depression from isolation
• Inability to trust anyone (including yourself)

The biggest cost:

You never get to experience real love.

Not giving it (you can’t let anyone in enough to truly love them).

Not receiving it (you can’t let anyone love the real you because they don’t know the real you).

You’re safe. But you’re also alone.

The Emotionally Unavailable Patterns You Probably Recognize

Pattern #1: You Attract What You Are

If you’re emotionally unavailable, you attract emotionally unavailable men.

It’s not a coincidence. It’s a mirror.

Why:

• Available people feel “boring” or “too into you”
• Unavailable people feel familiar (like home, even if home was dysfunctional)
• You can blame their unavailability instead of facing your own
• Chase dynamic feels like passion (it’s actually anxiety)

The trap: You focus on THEIR unavailability while ignoring your own. “If only they’d open up!” (While you stay completely closed.)

Pattern #2: You Sabotage When It Gets Real

The moment someone wants more, you:

• Find flaws in them
• Pick fights
• Pull away
• Cheat or create drama
• End it “because you’re not ready”

Why: Intimacy = danger. Your subconscious protects you by destroying the relationship before you can get hurt.

Pattern #3: You Keep People Guessing

You send mixed signals:

• Hot one day, cold the next
• “I like you” then disappear for days
• Intimate moments followed by distance
• Breadcrumbing instead of committing

Why: Keeps them at the perfect distance—not too close (scary), not too far (lonely).

Pattern #4: You Date Unavailable People (Or People You’re Not Into)

Your options:

1. Date someone emotionally unavailable (safe, you can blame them)
2. Date someone you’re not attracted to (safe, you won’t get attached)
3. Date someone who’s available (terrifying, so you run)

You choose 1 or 2 every time.

How to Start Becoming Emotionally Available

This is a process, not a light switch. Here’s where to start:

Understanding the Journey (My Story)

When I wondered “am I emotionally unavailable?” the eventual realization of my unavailability prompted me to think that I was a bad person and that I was to blame for everything.

And I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Being emotionally unavailable doesn’t make you a bad person and it definitely doesn’t make your partner justified in hurting you (or waiting around for you to change because change takes TIME), but being emotionally unavailable DOES rob you of any chance for a mutual, committed and monogamous (emotionally and/or physically) relationship. It also robs you of your authenticity and gives you a lifetime VIP, “toxic relationship only” pass.

You can lead an addict to the best rehab center in the world but to truly get clean, they have to WANT it above all else.

Let me ask you, would you ever cry about not having six-pack abs? Maybe. But why cry when you know that all you have to do is go to the gym and work on it every day? It’s the SAME in regard to the relationship with yourself.

Building muscle, feeling secure, and being emotionally available is NOT just for the beautiful, wealthy, and lucky – it’s a HABIT.

Once I realized that self-love was habitual, it became attainable.

How did I finally build a meaningful and connected relationship with myself?

I consistently worked at it.

Every day, I am the person that my younger self needed. And that consistent effort has built self-respect and self-love that is more passionate, fulfilling, and beautiful than any relationship I’ve ever had. This, in turn, has attracted emotionally available people into my life and has enriched the relationships that I’m lucky enough to have.

If I can do it, so can you. You got this.

The Foundation: Accept That You’re Unavailable

You need to understand that there is absolutely no way around the emotionally unavailable quicksand.

The ONLY way to stop being involved with emotionally unavailable people is to become emotionally available yourself because once you do, you’ll stop being attracted to unavailable people.

The first step in tackling your emotional unavailability is to acknowledge that you are indeed unavailable. Stop fighting it and creating more internal drama of how it can’t be or how it doesn’t make any sense. Allow your current relationships and your relationship history to speak for themselves and LISTEN.

Acknowledge and be accountable.

Step 1: Acknowledge It

You just did this by taking the assessment. This is huge. Most emotionally unavailable people never get here.

Step 2: Identify the Wound

Ask yourself:

• When did I learn that opening up = getting hurt?
• What happened that made me build these walls?
• Who taught me that emotions are dangerous/weak?
• What am I actually protecting myself from?

Step 3: Get Professional Help

Therapy isn’t optional for healing emotional unavailability. You need:

• Attachment-based therapy
• Trauma therapy (EMDR, somatic)
• Someone who understands avoidant attachment

Step 4: Practice Micro-Vulnerability

Start small:

• Share one real feeling with a safe person
• Admit when you’re struggling (instead of “I’m fine”)
• Let someone help you with something small
• Cry in front of someone you trust

Step 5: Stop Dating Unavailable People

If you’re attracting mirrors of your unavailability, stop dating until you heal.

Why: You’ll just repeat the pattern. Use this time to work on yourself.

Step 6: Build Self-Worth (Make It a Habit)

Low self-worth creates walls. “If you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me.”

Work on:

• Believing you’re worthy of love as you are
• Knowing vulnerability isn’t weakness
• Trusting you can survive being hurt again
• Consistently being the person your younger self needed

Step 7: Learn Healthy Attachment

Read about avoidant attachment and how to heal it. Understand that independence ≠ strength when it’s actually fear-based isolation.

Step 8: Be Patient With Yourself

You didn’t become unavailable overnight. You won’t heal overnight.

This takes time. Lots of it. And that’s okay.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can I become emotionally available without therapy?

Technically yes, but it’s extremely difficult. Emotional unavailability usually stems from deep wounds (childhood, trauma, attachment). A therapist helps you safely access and heal those wounds. Trying alone often means staying stuck in defense mechanisms.

How long does it take to become emotionally available?

Depends on the depth of wounding and commitment to healing. Generally: 6-12 months of consistent therapy and work for moderate unavailability. 1-3 years for severe cases. It’s not linear—you’ll have breakthroughs and setbacks.

What if I don’t want to become emotionally available?

Then you don’t have to. But understand the cost: you’ll never have deep, fulfilling relationships. You’ll be safe but lonely. If you’re okay with that, own it. But if you want connection (and you’re reading this, so you probably do), you have to do the work.

Can I date while working on becoming available?

Only if you’re honest with yourself and others. Don’t date unavailable people (you’ll regress). Don’t lead available people on (you’ll hurt them). Be upfront: “I’m working on emotional availability.” See how they respond. Take it slow.

What’s the difference between being private and being unavailable?

Private = You share selectively but CAN share deeply with trusted people. Unavailable = You CAN’T share deeply even with safe people. Privacy is a choice. Unavailability is a wound.

Why do I push away people who are actually good for me?

Because available, healthy people trigger your attachment wounds. They want real intimacy (terrifying). They see through your walls (vulnerable). They’d actually love the real you (requires showing the real you). Your brain perceives this as danger and activates protection (pushing away).

How do I know if someone is safe to open up to?

Safe people: consistent, emotionally available themselves, non-judgmental, respect boundaries, don’t weaponize your vulnerability, show up when it’s hard. Unsafe people: inconsistent, make your vulnerability about them, judge you, use your openness to hurt you later.

What if I become available but still attract unavailable people?

You might be: (1) Not fully healed yet (still have anxious attachment patterns), (2) Attracted to familiar dynamics, (3) Not setting boundaries early. Work more on self-worth and recognizing red flags. Choose differently even when it feels “boring.”

The Bottom Line: You’re Not Broken, You’re Protected

Being emotionally unavailable doesn’t make you a bad person.

It makes you a wounded person.

You built walls because you needed protection. Maybe in childhood. Maybe from past relationships. Maybe from betrayal, abandonment, or trauma.

Those walls kept you safe.

But now they’re keeping you isolated.

The question isn’t “Am I emotionally unavailable?”

You answered that with this assessment.

The real question is:

“Am I ready to heal so I can actually experience love?”

Because you can’t receive love you won’t let in.

You can’t give love when you’re completely closed off.

You deserve connection. Real connection. Deep connection.

But you have to be willing to take down the walls.

Not all at once. Not with everyone.

But slowly. Intentionally. With safe people.

Your White Horse won’t make you open up.

Your White Horse will make you WANT to open up—because finally, it feels safe.

Your Next Step: Start Healing

If you scored 6+:

Read: How to Become Emotionally Available for the complete healing roadmap.

If you’re attracting unavailable people:

Read: Emotionally Unavailable Men: Complete Guide to understand the pattern.

If you need help making the shift:

My book Win Your Breakup: How To Be The One That Got Away addresses emotional unavailability and healing attachment wounds.

If you need personalized support:

One-on-one coaching helps you identify your wounds, build vulnerability capacity, and heal emotional unavailability.

Stop protecting yourself from connection.

Start protecting yourself from isolation.

The walls that kept you safe are now keeping you alone.

It’s time to take them down.

One brick at a time.

Written by: Natasha Adamo

If you need further and more specific help; if you’re ready to heal your emotional unavailability and experience real connection, personalized coaching with Natasha Adamo is the answer. Book your one-on-one session today.

Related Articles You Must Read:

• Emotionally Unavailable Men: Stop Being His Free Therapist
• How to Become Emotionally Available: Complete Guide
• Do Emotionally Unavailable Men Change?
• Is He Emotionally Unavailable? 15 Signs
• Avoidant Attachment: Why You Push People Away
• Anxious Attachment: Why You’re Attracted to Unavailable People
• How to Build Self-Worth
• How to Set Boundaries
• Situationship: When They Won’t Commit

About Natasha Adamo

Natasha Adamo is a globally recognized self-help author, relationship expert, and motivational speaker. With over 2.5 million devoted blog readers and clients in thirty-one countries, she is a beacon of inspiration to many. Her debut bestseller, “Win Your Breakup”, offers a unique perspective on personal growth after breakups. Natasha’s mission is to empower individuals to develop healthier relationships and actualize their inherent potential.