Serial cheaters cheat on their partners no matter what. It doesn’t matter how serious or healthy the relationship is, nor does it matter how attractive, attentive, or sexually ambitious their partner is.
A serial cheater will cheat on whoever is unlucky enough to be in an intimate relationship with them. They’ll cheat on their spouse of many years; they’ll cheat in the very beginning stages of dating; it doesn’t matter. Serial cheaters are prisoners to their impulses – impulses that un dealt-with trauma and feelings of worthlessness breed.
And while some do feel guilty for their actions, it’s usually not felt until they are found out and faced with the damage they’ve caused. But once the dust has settled, and that relational reset button hit, another chance is given, and they go right back to cheating on their committed partner.
No matter how guilty they may feel, serial cheaters have no impulse control.
Most recently, in the news, it was reported that the husband of a very famous supermodel (whom he had just had a baby with) cheated on her, repeatedly. “Yes, he cheated on her,” said an anonymous source. “He is a serial cheater.”
This is nothing new. There have been highly-publicized cheating scandals throughout history in politics, business, and the entertainment industry. What these scandals have proven is that cheating has absolutely nothing to do with looks, power, or success. Serial cheaters don’t cheat because their partner isn’t successful or attractive enough. They continually cheat for a multitude of reasons that have nothing to do with their partner and everything to do with them.
What Is Serial Cheating?
I could not locate a clear-cut psychological definition. In my non-professional opinion, serial cheating is an established pattern of engaging in sexual relationships unbeknownst to your partner, that your partner would not be okay with it they knew. It puts your partner’s health (both physical and mental) at risk.
Signs And Characteristics of a Serial Cheater
None of the bullet points below guarantee you’re being cheated on or that you’re with a serial cheater. But I feel like these types operate in very predictable ways. And many of the denominators are common in regard to signs that you’re with a serial cheater and the characteristics of one.
- They’ve admitted to cheating in past relationships. A recent study at the University of Denver’s Psychology Department found that someone who cheated on a partner was three times more likely to cheat in their next relationship.
- When they go through their relational history, they say that every single ex has cheated on or wronged them.
- They are perpetually the victim. And because of that, they have trust issues and/or a fear of commitment.
- When it comes to attachment styles, they are avoidant.
- They are very possessive, OR they encourage you to go “do your thing” and have a life separate from them to the point that something feels disconnected and off.
- They deflect and accuse you of cheating on them, lying to them, and betraying them.
- They love bomb at the beginning (and also when they’re up to no good and want to divert your attention from their unavailability – whether that be physical or emotional).
- You’ve caught them in lies and are beginning to think they could be a compulsive or pathological liar.
- They are obsessed with their looks, image and attaining external validation.
- They ask for a break or an open relationship out of the blue.
- Sex feels more performative than intimate and connected.
- Your friends and family don’t trust them or have a good feeling about them.
- You constantly feel on edge, glitchy, not enough, too much, and anxious around them.
- They triangulate. With a serial cheater, it’s never just you and them. It’s always you, them, and another person or thing (it could be a hobby or a job) that you feel like you have to compete with to get even the most basic relational necessities met.
- They’re weirdly protective of their phone.
- They’re very active on social media even though they don’t post much.
- They are unable to take responsibility.
- They are narcissistic.
- They act on emotional and egoic impulses.
- They have no respect for your boundaries but expect you to respect theirs.
- They are empathetically bankrupt.
- They have sociopathic tendencies.
- They are master gaslighters and manipulators.
- You end up apologizing to them after bringing up something they did that hurt you. They make you feel bad for humanely responding to inhumane circumstances.
Why Do Serial Cheaters Cheat? Is It Really Because Their Partner Isn’t Enough?
I think the best way to answer this question is to share my own personal experience. When we get cheated on, it’s nearly impossible not to take it personally. But before you decide to subscribe to a very destructive, limiting, and false story, hear me out.
I have been cheated on. And, although not a serial cheater, I have been a cheater.
I cheated on the most incredible, kind, attractive-in-every-way partners. I am ashamed of it. But I did it, and I learned.
And it NEVER ONCE had anything to do with my partner not being enough.
It had to do with my own feelings of inadequacy, self-hatred, insecurities, un dealt-with trauma from my childhood, avoidance, denial, straight-up delusion, and trying to fill a void within me that only having the courage to look in the proverbial mirror could fill.
I’m not any better or worse than anyone. I just finally, looked in that mirror.
Serial cheaters don’t believe in mirrors because introspection would require them to feel the pain of what cheating temporarily numbs.
When I shared this on social media, a reader wrote to me: “Thank you so much for your transparency. I cheated on my ex, and he was very much, as you mentioned in your situation, a kind, loving, honest, attractive-in-every-way human being. Biggest mistake of my life. I cannot get over how deeply I know I hurt this individual. And yes, it was about me, and an unhappiness I didn’t know how to ask my partner to support me in working through. Thank you so much for your honesty and humbleness.”
Whether you’re in a relationship with a serial cheater or someone who has cheated but is not a serial cheater, I have found that cheating has everything to do with the cheater.
Serial cheaters need validation like we all need oxygen.
And they get it by feeling sexually desired, attractive, and basically, in high demand. As young children, they were given conditional love based on the superficial – their appearance, accomplishments, charm, ability to be what they needed to be (versus figuring out who they authentically were), etc. Love, encouragement, and support were not given to them unconditionally when they needed it the most (as a developing child). They may also have been betrayed by an adult they trusted.
Serial cheaters are on an endless search for the world to see in them what they cannot see in themselves. And because they can’t tap into their own inherent worth, they operate exclusively from their ego.
Can a Serial Cheater Change?
I am a firm believer that anyone can change. But to make a profound and ever-lasting change, you need to be able to self-reflect instead of deflect. You need to actually WANT to change – independent of being at risk of losing anyone or anything.
You can’t save them from themselves, nor can you make them empathize with you. They have to want it for themselves, first and foremost.
x Natasha Adamo
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.
Hello Natasha.
Great post! I like so many others have been cheated on and looking back, it was not about me as you say. It was for other reasons that were about him. Though painful, I’m glad I did not invest any more time in those men. I would rather be alone.
Thank you for always providing insight and reminding us that the hurtful acts people commit against us are truly not a reflection of us, the people who come to the relationship with good intentions.
It helps to know this and being able to have it reinforced is a gift.
Love you and all you do.
😍🥰🌸🦄
Hi Linda!
I’m so glad that the post was a helpful reminder; I completely agree. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment (I always look so forward to your comments). Thank you for being you.
Your guest post continues to help people all around the world every day.
I love you too, Sister. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I just give what I wish I would have had. Appreciate you! Xox
Another wonderful, honest write! You have been such an inspiration for my recovery from an incredibly toxic relationship. Thanks to you I am thriving and have left that painful past behind me. Natasha, you are a shining star to all who know you!
With much love and gratitude,
Wendy
Wendy!
This made my day! I couldn’t be any happier for you or more proud to know you.
So honored to have helped/help in any way.
Endlessly grateful for you. Happy Holidays to you and your beautiful family.
Thank you for this post, Natasha.
I am still grieving the loss of my relationship when, as you know, my ex monkey-branched to another man who needed ‘fixing’. It devastated me and it was made worse when I discovered that she had been cultivating an emotional connection with that person for quite some time. If it wasn’t for your book and your blog, I would be blaming myself instead of becoming stronger and more determined as each day passes.
You inspire me. Thank you so much.
From the very bottom of my heart, thank you, David.
You are not alone, my friend. And you were in my thoughts as I wrote this post. So glad it helped. All my love and gratitude to you.
This serial cheater read your post with great interest. I think your list of characteristics is generally accurate; I would add “bores easily” to the list.
I offer the following anecdote. This post made me flash back to a conversation I had with my mother a few days prior. She’d been watching my 18 month old niece, and in describing her experience she went on with an extended comparison of her attention span to my attention span at the same age. It felt innocuous at the time, and I was barely paying attention, in truth. But as I write this, it feels absurd for her to be making judgments and comparisons like that about someone so young. And it feels like there’s a connection between my lifelong exposure to that perspective and serial infidelity.
My point is – it’s possible that people’s puzzling interpersonal behavior is a response to third parties who are not there. That doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it may help those who wish to understand “why” formulate an explanation.
Regarding the second question of this post – it depends on what you mean by “change.” I do not think the underlying feelings ever go away. I still feel the urge all the time. But I am no longer focused on trying to eliminate the feelings (nor do I think it’s possible to eliminate them).
What *is* possible is changing one’s response to one’s feelings. We do not have to act on our feelings, much less be controlled by them. Everyone (unless in the grip of severe mental illness) is capable of controlling their external behavior, even when their feelings prompt them to behave differently.
Thank you for all that you do for this community!
One of the most powerful connections I’ve made in my life was this…
“I offer the following anecdote. This post made me flash back to a conversation I had with my mother a few days prior. She’d been watching my 18 month old niece, and in describing her experience she went on with an extended comparison of her attention span to my attention span at the same age. It felt innocuous at the time, and I was barely paying attention, in truth. But as I write this, it feels absurd for her to be making judgments and comparisons like that about someone so young.
****And it feels like there’s a connection between my lifelong exposure to that perspective and serial infidelity.***”
It took me reading that three times. The first was understanding what you were saying, the second, was relating to what you were saying. The third wasm, forgiving myself in ways I hadn’t yet. And also, forgiving others that I didn’t realize that I truly hadn’t.
Thank you for you.
I love your comments because they enrich, add to, and deepen the material. I love and value you. Thank you again.
A friend of 8+ years began messaging me flirtatiously around 3 years ago. I became very interested. But he was very emotionally unavailable, and we spent most of our time in person this fall talking about our differences in relational boundaries.
After lots of hinting, at the end he clearly asked me for sex. But I told him no because I did not believe it was God’s plan outside of marriage. So three days later he blocked me everywhere which has given me severe anxiety! Within a month he got engaged to his ex-girlfriend who he had led me to believe he was not interested in at all.
I’m extremely upset their marriage is not going to last. It constantly bothers me wondering if his fiancee knows how he has been acting, whether he was with her the whole time he was seeing me, and how he went about proposing. I am praying it breaks up before they get married!
So your post about the rebound relationship not lasting was encouraging. Thank you!
Hi Lisa!
I’m so glad that the post was helpful/encouraging. I live to give what I wish I would have had. So sorry that you were on the recieving end of such selfish and hurtful behavior. It is humanely imposible for me to give advice in the comments; I wish I had the time to write everything that is in my heart. But him blocking you without even a discussion is his loss and your protection. Truly.
Thank you so very much for taking the time to share (and by doing so, helping countless others feel less alone, inspired, and like they too, can heal, forgive themselves and others, and move on).
You are not alone. Thank you for being a part of this community. Thank you for YOU.
All my love you you. Xx
I’m currently struggling in a relationship with my wife. We have two children together and I’ve recently discovered that the whole time we were dating and the whole time we were married before children she was having affairs with other men (several years). She said after our first child that she stopped. Reading through your list of list of signs and characteristics, those fit really well what she has shown to me over the years. I wish I had been paying better attention. She says it’s not about me but more about her lacking in self confidence and self worth. Needing and seeking attention.
We are in counseling but I can’t help but feel that there is no way to build trust anymore, no way to more forward, no way to forgive. Is it sometimes more healthy just to let go?
Justin,
Please reach out to me for coaching (go to the coaching page and fill out the form/schedule a consult). I can help you with this.
You are not alone.
Natasha,
Thank you so much for your wonderful book, it truly is a gift for me. I have read and listened to it several times during my separation with my husband. My husband is a serial cheater that cheated on me throughout our four years together and I believed his lies over and over but now am done. He blocked me when I confronted him about seeing someone else and that we need to proceed with a divorce. It has left me in a world of hurt and feeling like trash and that I am trash. I know it is not true but it’s been really tough for me to be stonewalled. Anyways you say most cheaters have some childhood trauma however he was raised in a very loving home. His parents literally spoiled him and doted on him even to adulthood. He still relies on his mother to fight his battles. One thing I find odd is that he is completely disrespectful to his mom and sister. We have tried therapy before all this but he claimed to not have any childhood trauma. Do you think it’s possible that his ego is so inflated because of how he was raised?
Hi Renee!
I’m so glad that my book and posts have helped. I live to give everything that I wish I would have had.
It could be possible, but I would need to know many more details. Please visit my coaching page. I’d be happy to help further.
You are not alone. Thank you for being a part of this tribe/community. Thank you for you.