Breaking promises in a relationship is devastating.
We are taught from childhood that you get what you put into something and I live by this mantra still today. Whatever I want from other people, from situations, and from life… I try to give and emanate.
You invest emotion, time, and trust into a relationship (because that’s who you are and what you want back). However, there are people out there who like to invest in talking a big future game to get what they want in the present moment.
What do they want in the present moment?
It could be anything – someone to listen to their problems, someone to loan them money, someone to help them get back on their feet, someone to make them feel like they weren’t so terrible to their ex, someone to be their mommy, someone to pedestal them so they can continue avoiding their issues, etc. And last but certainly not least, someone that’s a good and reliable doormat.
If you’re dealing with an emotionally unavailable person, you have to understand that because of their inability to connect (often wrapped in the cloak of narcissism), they need to know that they are regarded highly in the eyes of others. They are so insecure, that without external attention and validation, they aren’t able to function. (ask me how I know; this used to be me).
As far as breaking promises in a relationship, these people will talk a big future game because they get off to seeing themselves through the enchanted eyes of who they are faking a future with. They love the pedestal that we put them on and they love what we GIVE as a result of buying into their relational Ponzi scheme.
This enhances their delusional image and validates that they don’t need to ever change, evolve, or improve.
When it comes to breaking promises in a relationship, here’s what I’ve learned…
Many emotionally unavailable people will have a tendency to allude to the future and make promises that they can’t keep. This allows them to get their present-day needs met (because they’ve secured your belief in a future together). It also gives them time to turn your eventual (and very natural) reaction to that future never actualizing, on you.
You are their money tree. And the moment you realize the money is not getting replenished, they dump you because having to account for it would mean they’d have to admit that your money was mishandled. It’s like going to a casino and having a money tree with you. There’s no real risk, it’s not your money. You have a money tree and you get all the benefits of gambling without any consequence. You literally don’t have to invest a thing.
Their words don’t match their actions.
Someone who is commitment and reality-avoidant will think that just because they’ve alluded to a future with you, that doesn’t mean anything. It’s just how they were feeling in the moment and now they’re not. This is no different than a toddler acting on emotional impulse.
I’m sorry, but you deserve so much more than someone who operates on this level of delusion.
You MUST stay real about people’s actions.
I also think that some people break promises and fake a future because really, that’s how they truly feel in the moment. I used to do this. I was such a people pleaser and so scared of confrontation, I’d tell people what I thought they wanted to hear. I’d also, get carried away with my own feelings and over-promise. It felt so good in those moments, to feel like someone believed I could deliver on something that deep down, I knew I couldn’t.
Whatever the case may be, the only way to get through to anyone who was breaking promises in a relationship with you and has now, broken your heart: Do the one thing that they are incapable of doing – make the decision to ACT and cut them off (if you cannot physically cut them off due to your circumstances, emotionally cut them off).
If anyone were to come on strong and make empty promises to me now, I would honestly, get a little weirded out. I’d laugh it off at first but I’d definitely end up taking a step back because my boundaries are in the right place.
When you prioritize your mental health, you won’t make other people’s dysfunction about you; desperation no longer has the right environment to thrive in.
Always have your own back and be conscious of what’s actually going on – in reality.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.