Dating a narcissist has high highs and low lows. It will make you feel on top of the world one minute and then, questioning your worth, reality, and intuition the next.

Here’s what you need to know about dating a narcissist…

The Non-Negotiable Truths About Dating a Narcissist

Truth #1: ALL narcissists are emotionally unavailable.

Keep in mind: ALL narcissists are emotionally unavailable. They are disconnected from their emotions and have zero ability to empathize.

They can’t give what they don’t have. And what they don’t have is the capacity for genuine connection, empathy, or love.

Truth #2: ANYONE can fall for a narcissist.

ANYONE can fall for a narcissist. But only those with low self-esteem who need validation like oxygen will start dating a narcissist and continue to STAY.

They will refuse to “give up” on a narcissist because they gave up on themselves a long time ago. They put all of their eggs in the “I’m going to be cool/smart/sexy enough for them to change/commit” basket.

Spoiler alert: That basket has a hole in the bottom. Everything you put in falls through.

Truth #3: Narcissists are not capable of mutual relationships.

Narcissists are not capable of mutual relationships. They are only capable of self-serving transactions.

You are not their partner. You are their supply.

They are not investing in a relationship. They are managing their image and controlling their environment.

Truth #4: Actions create patterns. Words create confusion.

Listening to the actions (which make up the patterns) of a narcissist is imperative. Their words mean nothing and will drive you crazy.

Any words you speak, excuses you make for them in the name of unconditional love, understanding, etc., will ultimately be used against you.

They weaponize your kindness. They punish your empathy. They use your own words as evidence that YOU’RE the problem.

Truth #5: Stay on your White Horse.

Dating a narcissist makes you want to get off of your white horse for good. You have to stay on though because once you’re off, the narcissist will step back/recoil/give you the silent treatment and then, use your reactivity and unraveling against you.

They’ll shine a spotlight on your reaction to their bs and use it as irrefutable proof that YOU need help, not them. Before you know it, you’re apologizing to them for having a human reaction to inhumane behavior.

Narcissists love this turn-around-deflection dynamic because it allows them to further victimize themselves, never experience any real consequences, and continue their all-important, all-about-me behavior.

Remember, the crazier they can get you to look, the more in-control they become. Your reactivity is caviar for their ego.

What Dating a Narcissist Actually Looks Like

They are experts in emotional Chinese Water Torture.

Narcissists are experts in emotional Chinese Water Torture. They keep dripping the proverbial water on you. And when you can’t take it anymore, they’ll say “Whoa! Re-LAX. That was just water! It’s non-toxic and it’s natural! What’s your problem? I was baptizing you with my love; guess you don’t want it. You have some real issues. Maybe you should go talk to someone.”

You are left feeling even worse about yourself and crazy. So, you take responsibility for your partner’s behavior, further blame yourself, apologize, and beg for the water again.

This is gaslighting. This is manipulation. This is abuse.

They are image and control freaks.

No matter how cool and care-free they so desperately try to appear, narcissists are image and control freaks.

Everything is about maintaining the image. Everything is about controlling the narrative.

You will exhaust yourself trying to be good enough for an image that doesn’t even exist.

They are energetic and emotional vampires.

Narcissists are energetic and emotional vampires, who will passively suck the energy, the empathy, and the sanity out of you. And then, they will finger point and make you feel ashamed for being depleted of all three.

You give. They take. You give more. They take more. You’re empty. They blame you for being empty.

Why It Was So Hard for Me to Accept I Was Dating a Narcissist

Looking back, I think I had such a hard time accepting that I was dating a narcissist because that meant I would have to accept that my parents had a certain level of narcissism. It also forced me to address my own narcissism.

Just because I wasn’t what I call a “direct narcissist,” I was very reverse narcissistic. I was making the selfish actions of narcissistic people all about how I was not enough. I was making everything about me, just like the narcissists I was attracted to.

This realization was everything.

They Won’t Change for the Next Person

There is no need to EVER worry that after dating a narcissist, he/she will become a better person with a new partner who’s everything you’re not.

Narcissists are highly insecure people whose emotional development was arrested when they were given conditional love, abandoned, betrayed, abused, or bullied as a child. They were traumatized in some way; we all were.

And as heartbreaking as that is, the fact that they don’t see themselves as ever in the wrong and use their romantic relationships to revisit the scene of an emotional crime just so they can be a manipulative puppet master (or a convenient victim when it serves them) is downright TOXIC.

They thrive on creating a grandiose image of themselves and controlling that image at all costs. But because they are so insecure deep down, they can never keep up with the image that they portray.

Eventually, they reveal who they really are: a shell of a person who will only ever be compatible with people whose levels of self-esteem are just as low as theirs.

Can a narcissist change? No. The new supply is getting the same cycle you got.

Control Is Everything

Narcissists are unable to operate from a place of love – for themselves or others. They operate from a place of fear.And the only way to keep that fear in check is to control other people (in the form of gaslighting, blaming, deflecting, chain yanking, mixed signaling, swooping in and out of your life, hot one minute cold the next, etc).

If they know that you feel responsible for their feelings… that’s all they need. To them, it’s as good as going to bed with you. Control is the only thing that will truly turn a narcissist on.

They’ll lose “respect” for those that they can control and will always like the idea of a partner who has boundaries, but they’ll always default back to the ones they can control. Without it, their ego can’t survive.

The Unknowing Keeps You Hooked

If you’re dating a narcissist, you will never truly know how they feel about you because they are always inconsistent: hot/cold; yes/no/maybe.

This “unknowing” keeps you invested because the more ambiguity they create (with a few crumbs of clarity here and there), the more “curious” you become. This causes you to become delusional enough to believe that if you turn your head for a hot minute, they’ll transform into the man/woman of your dreams.

This is called future faking and breadcrumbing. And it keeps you in a situationship forever.

The Breakup Is Excruciating

When you break up after dating a narcissist, it feels so much more excruciating than with anyone else.

Your boundaries and expectations have been bartered down to such a low level, you feel like you have no identity or purpose. And rejection plants the seeds for FBI stalking obsession.

Often, narcissists will disappear all of a sudden or break up with you and not contact you at all. Narcissists know how much ghosting paralyzes you. So, as long as they can keep you thirsty in the emotional desert, they have you primed to welcome them back into your life at any moment with their crumbs.

They do this to keep you secured as a bench-warming option, do even less for you than they did in the relationship, and STILL get the sexual/emotional/financial benefits of having you as a partner (without the commitment, investment, or the monogamy on their end).

By keeping you in this state of starvation, they know that you’ll never be totally done with them. If you ever did decide that you were totally done with them, they wouldn’t know what to do with that loss of control. So, they have to weaken your defenses to ensure their egoic survival (remember, deep down they feel insignificant and worthless).

This is trauma bonding. The addiction to the cycle.

They Don’t Care About Anything But Control

Narcissists don’t care about anything but control. Everything has to be on their terms.

You can never “scare” them into thinking that “this is it” or that you’re leaving or moving on. They know better. They’ve conditioned you to be their 24-hour emotional/sexual/excuse-making/cheerleading, ATM.

The moment you actually leave and implement no contact, they panic. Because control is gone.

The Reverse Narcissism Connection

REMEMBER this: it takes a narcissist to be attracted to one.

I am NOT AT ALL saying that you are an empathetically bankrupt narcissist who is selfish and thinks that he/she is all-important. You HAVE compassion and empathy (the compassion you have for yourself is what got you to this blog).

What I am saying is that (this is a term that I totally made up and this is my non-professional opinion), you are a reverse narcissist.

You truly believe that other people’s hurtful, deceitful, and heartbreaking behavior is ALL about YOU not being good enough. You internalize the narcissistic behavior of others. And no matter what angle you view it from, that’s STILL making it all about you.

The only difference is that reverse narcissists have the ultimate game-changer that conventional narcissists do not: they have empathy (professional term: Empath).

Empathy is an incredible thing to have, but you can’t truly give it if you’re not getting it from yourself (which is why I started using the term “reverse narcissist”).

Work on your reverse narcissism by consistently having your own back and WATCH how your life transforms.You’ll soon stop being attracted to narcissists like a fly to horse sh*t.

There ARE good men/women out there. You just have to be good to yourself, first and foremost.

The 5 Stages of Dating a Narcissist

Every narcissistic relationship follows the same predictable pattern. Understanding these stages helps you see where you are—and how to get out.

Stage 1: The Lovebomb (Weeks 1-8)

What it looks like:

They are INCREDIBLE. Too good to be true. They:

• Move FAST (I love you within weeks, talks marriage/future immediately)
• Give constant attention (texting all day, wants to see you constantly)
• Mirror everything you like (loves all your interests, has same values)
• Make grand gestures (flowers, gifts, elaborate dates)
• Tell you you’re their soulmate/twin flame/”the one”
• Are intensely affectionate (physically and verbally)
• Seem perfect for you in every way

What it actually is:

• A trap. A performance. A calculated strategy to hook you.
• They’re studying you, learning what you want, becoming that
• Creating intense emotional dependency FAST
• Building an illusion they’ll use to manipulate you later

The red flags you’re ignoring:

• Moving too fast (healthy people don’t fall in love in 2 weeks)
• Love bombing is manipulation, not passion
• They barely know you but claim you’re “the one”
• They’re mirroring you (no authentic personality showing)
• Your gut says “this is too good to be true” (IT IS)

What to do if you’re here:

LEAVE NOW. This is the easiest stage to exit.

If you’re in the lovebomb phase and reading this, you already sense something is wrong. Trust that feeling.

Exit strategy:

• Acknowledge the red flags you’re ignoring
• Don’t get swept up in the intensity
• Slow things down drastically (watch them rage or disappear)
• End it before you’re trauma bonded
• Block and move on

If you stay: You’re signing up for everything that comes next.

Stage 2: The Mask Slips (Months 2-4)

What it looks like:

You’re starting to see cracks in the perfect facade:

• Small criticisms appear (“I thought you were smarter than that”)
• Hot and cold behavior (intense one day, distant the next)
• They “forget” things you told them about yourself
• Minor gaslighting starts (“I never said that”)
• Silent treatment for minor “offenses”
• They start comparing you to others
• The constant attention decreases
• They become less available

What it actually is:

• The real them emerging
• Testing your boundaries to see what you’ll tolerate
• Beginning the devaluation process
• Conditioning you to work harder for their approval

Why you make excuses:

• “They’re just stressed at work”
• “Everyone has bad days”
• “The good times are SO good though”
• “They were perfect in the beginning, they’ll get back to that”
• You’re already invested

What to do if you’re here:

This is your last easy exit point.

Exit strategy:

• Stop making excuses for the behavior changes
• Don’t fall for intermittent reinforcement
• Recognize this IS who they are (the beginning was fake)
• Leave before you’re fully trauma bonded
• Trust your gut (it’s screaming at you)

If you stay: You’re entering the abuse phase.

Stage 3: The Devaluation (Months 4-12+)

What it looks like:

The person you fell in love with is gone. Now you get:

• Constant criticism (your appearance, intelligence, personality)
• Gaslighting (denying reality, making you question your sanity)
• Silent treatment (days/weeks of being ignored)
• Triangulation (comparing you to exes, using others to make you jealous)
• Blame for everything (nothing is their fault)
• Emotional abuse (cruelty, coldness, contempt)
• You walking on eggshells constantly
• Your self-esteem destroyed
• You don’t recognize yourself anymore

What it actually is:

• The narcissistic cycle in full effect
• Systematic destruction of your self-worth
• Conditioning you to accept less and less
• Making you desperate for approval
• Psychological abuse

Why you stay:

• You’re trauma bonded (addicted to the cycle)
• Your self-worth is destroyed (you think you deserve this)
• You keep hoping they’ll go back to Stage 1 (they won’t)
• You’re isolated from support systems
• You blame yourself (reverse narcissism)

What to do if you’re here:

Create an exit plan. Start rebuilding secretly.

Exit strategy:

• Accept they will NEVER go back to the lovebomb version
• Read: How to Deal With a Narcissist
• Start grey rocking (become boring, give no emotional reactions)
• Document the abuse
• Reconnect with friends/family secretly
• Secure finances separately
• Build resources to leave
• Get therapy
• Create detailed exit plan
• Leave when safe

Critical: Don’t tell them you’re planning to leave. Leave and implement no contact immediately.

Stage 4: The Discard (Variable Timing)

What it looks like:

They end it. Brutally. Either:

• Ghost you completely (after months/years together)
• Cruel breakup where they list all your flaws
• Leave you for someone else (often someone they overlapped with)
• Give you the “I need space” or “I need to work on myself” line
• Disappear without explanation

What it actually is:

• They found new supply (someone else to lovebomb)
• You stopped giving them enough narcissistic supply
• You set a boundary they couldn’t cross
• They’re bored and need fresh validation
• The cycle restarting with someone new

Why it devastates you:

• You’ve been conditioned to need their validation
• Your self-worth is destroyed
• You’re trauma bonded (withdrawal feels like drug withdrawal)
• You can’t understand what happened
• You blame yourself

What to do if you’re here:

DO NOT chase them. Implement no contact immediately.

Exit strategy:

• Block everywhere (phone, social media, email, everything)
• Resist the urge to “get closure” (there is none)
• Understand the discard is a GIFT (they did the hard part)
• Read: The No Contact Rule
• Expect to feel like you’re dying (you’re not, you’re detoxing)
• Get therapy for narcissistic abuse
• Do NOT respond to hoover attempts
• Journal your pain so you remember why you can’t go back
• Focus on healing

Critical: The discard is the BEST thing that could happen. Don’t waste it by going back.

Stage 5: The Hoover (Weeks/Months After Discard)

What it looks like:

Just when you’re starting to heal, they come back:

• “I miss you”
• “I made a mistake”
• “I’ve changed” / “I’m in therapy”
• “No one understands me like you”
• “I never stopped loving you”
• Show up unannounced
• Contact through friends/family
• Post things on social media they know you’ll see
• Create “emergencies” requiring your help

What it actually is:

• New supply didn’t work out
• They need validation
• They’re bored
• Testing if they still have control over you
• NOT genuine change

Why you’re tempted:

• You miss the lovebomb version
• You want to believe they’ve changed
• You’re lonely
• Your trauma bond is still active
• You think “maybe this time will be different”

What to do if you’re here:

DO NOT RESPOND. DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT.

What happens if you go back:

• Lovebomb for 1-4 weeks
• Devaluation starts FASTER than before
• Treatment is WORSE than before
• You lose even more of yourself
• The cycle repeats
• They discard you again (but keep you as backup supply)

Exit strategy:

• Block new numbers/accounts immediately
• Don’t respond to ANY communication
• Tell friends/family not to pass messages
• Remember: If they actually changed, they’d respect your no contact
• Read your journal/documentation to remember why you left
• Stay in therapy
• Focus on healing

The truth about hoovers:

They will try multiple times. Each time you don’t respond, they escalate (love bombing harder, then possibly threats/anger).

Stay strong. Every hoover you resist makes the next one easier.

The Cycle: It Repeats Forever

If you go back after Stage 5, here’s what happens:

Week 1-4: Lovebomb (shorter than original, less intense) Month 1-2: Mask slips FAST Month 2+: Devaluation (worse than before) Eventual: Discard again Later: Hoover again

Each cycle:

• Gets shorter
• Gets worse
• Destroys more of you
• Makes it harder to leave

The only way to stop the cycle: Leave and never go back.

Dating a Narcissist: The Only Ways to Keep the Relationship Going

If you’re dead set on staying, here’s what you must accept:

1. Accept that the relationship is 100% on their terms.
2. Make it ALL about them and their needs. Never about you or yours.
3. Never question them, their decisions, or their behavior.
4. You can’t love yourself, have your own back, or regard yourself in a healthy manner. Ever. If you do, you should feel guilty about it.
5. Accept their hurtful actions and behavior as an indication that you need to be better.
6. Never, I repeat NEVER think that you are enough.
7. Take all of the blame and apologize for everything.
8. Never have any kind of discussion about your relationship or where it’s going.
9. Recreate bad, disconnected porno sex in the bedroom and don’t ever voice any of your sexual desires.
10. You must always downplay your intelligence, looks, success, and accomplishments so that he/she can feel more secure.
11. Understand that he/she will always (either directly or indirectly), compete with you (and you must always lose).
12. You must have a Ph.D. in pedestal building of him/her, door matting of yourself, and under-the-rug brushing.
13. You must keep giving and giving so that they can keep taking and taking.
14. Never age or gain weight.
15. Accept that he/she needs A LOT of validation from others (not just you), to keep their pseudo-self-importance parade going. Do not try to compete or ever be number one. You will be made to look crazy.
16. Accept that he/she will never be able to consistently value you because they don’t value themselves. If they did, they would understand that they are enough – independent of all of the superficial minutia (that they think legitimizes them).

Still want to stay?

The Silver Lining in Dating a Narcissist

Is there a silver lining in any of this?

YES.

The silver lining in dating a narcissist is that they always reflect what we need to work on: loving ourselves and healing un-dealt with trauma.

They also make us address our own reverse narcissism because really, who would ever waste their time dating a narcissist other than a (reverse)narcissist?

I know that somewhere deep inside of you…

You have the ability to truly love yourself. You have the ability to empathize with yourself; to be in a mutual relationship with yourself first, and to authentically connect with and truly love others who are deserving of your time, energy, and love. I know it.

Instead of subscribing to the “Why me? Why am I not good enough?” dialogue, know this: the narcissist was put in your path not as an indicator of your lack of value but as a spiritual northern star.

And we all know what northern stars do, don’t we? They are there to guide us; to point us in the direction of where we need to be. NOT to be the Happily Ever After, end-all-be-all.

If you recognize dating a narcissist as the northern star that he/she IS, you’ll be open to the motivation that your involvement with them provides – motivation to work on loving yourself, owning your decisions, acting on your intuition, and having your own back.

There’s no need to get off your white horse and retaliate. You realizing your worth is their karma.

📥 Free Training: The 3-Step ‘No B.S.’ Framework to Break Free from Toxic Relationships and Heal

Narcissistic Relationship vs. Healthy Relationship

Still not sure if you’re with a narcissist? Here’s the difference:

If you’re in the left column, you’re dating a narcissist. Get out.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does the lovebomb stage last?

Typically 1-8 weeks, sometimes up to 3 months. The more experienced the narcissist, the better they are at extending it. But it always ends. The lovebomb is not sustainable because it’s not real—it’s a performance designed to hook you.

Will they go back to being the person they were in the beginning?

No. That person never existed. It was a mask they wore to trap you. The devaluation stage is the real them. Waiting for them to “go back” is like waiting for an actor to stay in character 24/7 forever.

How do I know which stage I’m in?

Stage 1: Everything is perfect, moving fast Stage 2: Small red flags appearing, hot/cold behavior starting Stage 3: Constant criticism, gaslighting, walking on eggshells Stage 4: They’ve ended it or are pulling away dramatically Stage 5: They’re trying to come back after discarding you

What if they’re only SOMETIMES like this?

That’s the cycle. The “good times” are part of the abuse pattern (intermittent reinforcement). It keeps you addicted. If someone is only good to you part of the time, they’re not good for you.

How many times will they hoover?

As many times as it takes for you to permanently block them. Some narcissists hoover for YEARS. Each time you respond (even negatively), you reset the clock. The only way to stop hoovers: complete, permanent no contact.

Can I be friends with them after?

No. Narcissists don’t do friendship. They do supply. If you stay “friends,” you’re staying available as supply while they date others. This keeps you trauma bonded and prevents you from healing. No contact is the only way.

What if we have kids together?

Use parallel parenting. Communicate ONLY about kids through text/email (documented). Grey rock method for all interactions. Never discuss your personal life. Protect your children from manipulation. Get therapy for them. Read: How to Deal With a Narcissist.

How do I stop being attracted to narcissists?

Work on your reverse narcissism. Build self-worth. Heal childhood wounds (usually the root). Learn to recognize lovebombing as a red flag, not romance. Set boundaries early. Leave at the first sign of disrespect. Get therapy. Date your standards, not your loneliness.

The Bottom Line: The Stages Are Predictable, Your Exit Doesn’t Have to Be

Dating a narcissist follows the same pattern every time:

Lovebomb → Devalue → Discard → Hoover → Repeat

The only variable is when YOU decide to get off the ride.

You can leave at:

• Stage 1 (easiest – trust your gut about the lovebombing)
• Stage 2 (still relatively easy – see the red flags and RUN)
• Stage 3 (harder – you’re trauma bonded, but do it anyway)
• Stage 4 (they did it for you – DON’T GO BACK)
• Stage 5 (hardest – resist the hoover, stay no contact)

Or you can stay on the ride forever, getting smaller and smaller until there’s nothing left of you.

Your choice.

Your Next Step: Get Off the Ride

If you’re in Stages 1-3:

My book Win Your Breakup: How To Be The One That Got Away will give you the clarity and courage to leave.

If you’re in Stage 4:

Read: The No Contact Rule and implement it immediately. Don’t waste the gift of the discard.

If you’re in Stage 5:

One-on-one coaching will help you resist the hoover and heal from narcissistic abuse.

If you want to understand what you’re dealing with:

• Read: Narcissist: Complete Guide
• Read: Is He a Narcissist? Take the Assessment
• Read: Can a Narcissist Change?

Stop waiting for them to go back to Stage 1.

That person never existed.

Start planning your exit from all 5 stages.

Your White Horse is waiting.

Get back on it.

Written by: Natasha Adamo

If you’re looking for further and more specific help; if you’re ready to identify which stage you’re in and finally leave, personalized coaching with Natasha Adamo is the answer. Book your one-on-one session today.

Related Articles You Must Read:

• Narcissist: How to Recognize, Protect Yourself, and Finally Leave
• Can a Narcissist Change? The Brutal Truth
• Is He a Narcissist? Take the Assessment
• How to Deal With a Narcissist: 8 Survival Tactics
• The No Contact Rule: Complete Guide
• Trauma Bonding: Why You Can’t Leave
• Gaslighting: When They Make You Question Reality
• Red Flags in a Relationship: 27 Warning Signs
• Future Faking: When They Promise Everything
• Breadcrumbing: When They Keep You Hooked
• Situationship: When They Won’t Commit
• How to Build Self-Worth
• How to Set Boundaries
• Emotionally Unavailable Men

About Natasha Adamo

Natasha Adamo is a globally recognized self-help author, relationship expert, and motivational speaker. With over 2.5 million devoted blog readers and clients in thirty-one countries, she is a beacon of inspiration to many. Her debut bestseller, “Win Your Breakup”, offers a unique perspective on personal growth after breakups. Natasha’s mission is to empower individuals to develop healthier relationships and actualize their inherent potential.