“Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did? Does he think about me?”
Those questions have taken up more of my time and brainpower than I ever think I’ll be comfortable enough to admit. If I would have taken a fraction of the time that I’ve spent pondering those questions to learn a new language, I could have written this post in 9 different languages by now.
You’ve gone through a horrible, traumatic breakup with an emotionally unavailable guy that broke your heart and whether you’ve done enough things to cause drama/embarrassment or it just hurts too much to be “friends” with your ex or you’ve both agreed to go your own separate ways or whatever the case may be, you’ve stopped communicating and are in no contact.
The WORST, right?
You don’t want to hear from him, but then again, you do. You so do. It’s like a drug and you’re going through the most excruciating withdrawals. Every day that you don’t hear from him feels like an eternity and with every minute that passes, it’s another dig deeper into the self-blame, obsessing, and FBI-style stalking. Your self-esteem is at zero and you start to question your worth because if you were good enough, he would have reached out by now. He would have done something… ANYTHING.
All you hear is crickets.
You never thought he could just cut you off so easily. You see him living his happy life on social media with some new girl who looks like everything you aren’t (and whose profile is private). You’re in pain and doing the best you can to get through every hour without losing it.
Every time you hear a text message alert or you hear your phone ring, your heart races and you think… “Maybe it’s him?” It never is.
After breakups with some of the most toxic exes who I knew were not good for me, I have to admit, I still wondered…
“Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did? Does he think about me?”
I dated the MVP of the emotionally unavailable, toxic species and yes, he broke my heart and YES, I was totally tying my worth to his post-breakup inaction but I didn’t care. I needed to know.
“Does he miss me? What do you think? How can he be with her while I’m miserable over here missing and cyberstalking him non stop? Does he regret what he did and all of the bs he put me through?” I would ask anyone who was willing to listen and that I thought was inclined to tell me exactly what I wanted to hear. My heart couldn’t handle hearing what my gut already knew.
Fast forward to a lot of tears and heartbreaks later, I now have a much better understanding of it all.
So, you want to know: “Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did? How can he be thinking about me and not reach out? Is he even thinking of me?”
First, we need to translate what “Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did?” means:
“Does my emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, and toxic ex that was consistently unable to respect me in our relationship, finally understand what he put me through?”
“Does he miss me enough to want to change his ways?”:
You are looking for validation that you’re not as forgettable as his actions made you feel. This is the reason that you obsess because you’re looking for any reason to:
- Continue to be tied to the relationship that was and hope that he’s the guy that he was in the beginning.
- Find something in his social media profile that really hurts you and makes you want to stop thinking about him. But since your programs are set on “validation seeking mode,” instead of taking that information to motivate you to move on, you use it as an anchor to sink further into self-blame.
Missing someone that you were close to and intimate with is totally normal. It means that you’re human and that you have blood pumping through your veins.
Obsessing to the level that you are about whether the trash was better in your home and wondering if it’s attracting more trash and having a fun time at the dump that it’s been tossed off at is a BIG.RED.FLAG. It’s a sign that you need to work on loving yourself.
It wasn’t him I was actually missing.
I was missing the passion, the highs and lows, the security of having a boyfriend, the dream, the “he’s The One! I’ve found my Happily Ever After,” the “he’s changing for me,” etc.
Most everything that I missed was my projections.
I was convinced that the amazing, loyal, respectful, emotionally available “prince” that he was, in the beginning, was going to come back out at any moment.
People don’t change, they show you who they are over time.
So getting back to the questions: “Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did?”
Yes, he thinks of you. ESPECIALLY if you cut him off. Yes, he does miss you and yes he does regret what he did. And I’m not just saying that.
Here’s the thing though: with emotionally unavailable guys, they’ll THINK OF YOU when you cut them off and they’ll “MISS YOU,” in the sense that they miss what you provided. They will REGRET that they don’t have you around as an option any longer. They will never regret the way you and I would hope for because true regret from a connected man will always include remorse. And that would require something called maturity, emotional availability, and being able to objectively examine their actions for what they are (so that evolution and growth can actually take place).
Their disconnection will never allow that. This is the extent to which they can “miss” and “regret” and frankly, you, your future, your destiny, and your precious, limited time on this planet deserve so much more than a passive and disconnected “missing.”
Here are just some of the reasons that he will, at some point “miss you:”
- He misses the you that listened to all of his problems, made everything about him, helped him, and supported him in every way no matter how poorly he treated you or how non-mutual the relationship was.
- He misses the you that was his biggest fan.
- He misses how easy it was to attain your excuses and forgiveness.
- He misses the you that believed he was God’s gift to mankind.
- He misses the you that always empathized with him (to your own detriment).
- He misses the you that blamed herself for hurtful and amateur hour behavior.
Accepting any of those bullet points above as the kind of “missing” you deserve is insulting to your emotional intelligence.
Yeah, I get that you’ve lost your mojo and your ego is shot because you’re feeling rejected. But if you keep seeking validation from someone that isn’t even able to give any to himself, you’re going to end up always looking to other people and possessions to dictate your worth. This also sets you up for not trusting yourself. You’ll then need others to validate your observations and decisions because you’ll be in a state of fear-based paralysis (inaction/stagnation) in your life and wonder why nothing ever works out for you.
If he really misses you in the kind of way that you deserve to be missed, you will know and not have any doubt about it. If he’s going to miss you, he’ll act like it. He won’t send a text or passively “like” one of your photos so that you can spend the next week analyzing the why’s. He will ACT upon it. It won’t matter if you’ve cut him off or if you’ve blocked him on everything. If he misses you the way that you deserve to be missed, he will find a way to get in touch.
Don’t get discouraged because it’s not happening. Imagine if you and I went to an animal shelter and I asked to hold a baby kitten. Then, when we sat down and held the cat, I started making a huge scene because I thought that the cat would bark and it keeps meowing.
Your ex is a cat and guess what? Cat’s meow. Expecting him to miss you in the way that you deserve and to come back to the relational table a toxic person no more is as ludicrous as expecting a cat to bark. It’s never going to bark. Stop wasting your time.
Getting over this and moving on is going to take you instilling something called boundaries and ceasing to tie your worth to the cat not barking.
“Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did?”
Yes….but no…but yes…but who cares?!
Replace your sadness with anger and eventually, that anger will be replaced with indifference.
Indifference is the ultimate liberation.
Yes, I know that you can’t just shut your feelings off for someone like a light switch, but you can start to care about and love yourself now. You can.
I remember during one of the worst, most painful breakups, my ex finally reached out to me after a few months. He sent a few angry, childish texts then after a few weeks of silence on my end, he said everything that I ever wanted to hear and more… In another text.
It was hard but I didn’t respond, ever.
And he never called to see if I was alive, nothing. That was my turning point, my “AHA!” moment where I realized that it wasn’t me he was after- he was after a response from me because he felt out of control after I had cut him off.
It had more to do with his own ego and image than it ever had to do with genuine remorse and missing me.
You are worth so much more than someone who just “misses” you from afar while sh*tting their emotional shorts.
Be with someone who is committed and that will love you right NOW. Someone who will sort themselves out because they don’t ever want to have to experience the reality of missing you.
That is what you deserve.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your breakup, please look into working with me here.