Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
“Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did? Does he think about me?”
Those questions have taken up more of my time and brainpower than I ever think I’ll be comfortable enough to admit. If I would have taken a fraction of the time that I’ve spent pondering those questions to learn a new language, I could have written this post in seven different languages by now.
You’ve gone through a horrible, traumatic breakup with an emotionally unavailable guy that broke your heart. And whether you’ve done enough things to cause drama/embarrassment or it just hurts too much to be “friends” with your ex or you’ve both agreed to go your own separate ways or whatever the case may be, you’ve stopped communicating and are in no contact.
The WORST, right?!
You don’t want to hear from him, but then again, you do. You so do. It’s like a drug and you’re going through the most excruciating withdrawals. Every day that you don’t hear from him feels like an eternity and with every minute that passes, it’s another dig deeper into the self-blame, obsessing, and FBI-style stalking. Your self-esteem is at zero and you start to question your worth because if you were good enough, he would have reached out by now. He would have done something… ANYTHING.
All you hear is crickets.
You never thought he could just cut you off so easily. You see him living his happy life on social media with some new girl who looks like everything you aren’t (and whose profile is private). You’re in pain and doing the best you can to get through each minute without losing it.
Every time you hear a text message alert or you hear your phone ring, your heart races and you think, “maybe it’s him?” It never is.
After going through breakups with toxic exes that I knew weren’t good for me, I still wondered…
“Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did? Does he think about me?”
I dated the MVP of the emotionally unavailable, toxic species and yes, he broke my heart and YES, I was totally tying my worth to his post-breakup inaction but I didn’t care. I needed to know.
“Does he miss me? What do you think? How can he be with her while I’m miserable over here missing and cyberstalking him non-stop? Does he regret what he did and all of the bs he put me through?” I would ask anyone who was willing to listen and that I thought was inclined to tell me exactly what I wanted to hear. My heart couldn’t handle hearing what my gut already knew.
Fast forward to a lot of tears and heartbreaks later, I now have a much better understanding of it all.
So, you want to know: “Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did? How can he be thinking about me and not reach out? Is he even thinking of me?”
First, we need to translate what “Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did?” means:
“Does my emotionally unavailable, selfish, and toxic ex, who, was unable to respect me in our relationship, understand what he did wrong, and more importantly, what he lost?”
You are looking for confirmation that you’re not as forgettable as his actions have made you feel. This is the reason you obsess over every detail. You’re looking for any reason to:
- Believe there’s still a chance.
- Find something in his social media profile that really hurts you and makes you want to stop thinking about him. But since your programs are set on “validation seeking mode,” instead of taking that information to motivate you to move on, you use it as an anchor to sink further into self-blame.
Missing someone that you were close to and intimate with is totally normal. It means that you’re human and that you have blood pumping through your veins. But you can’t expect him to be qualified to connect and feel in ways that his actions have already disqualified him of the ability to.
Losing sleep over whether the trash was better in your home; wondering if it’s attracting more trash and having a fun time at the dump is a BIG.RED.FLAG. It’s a sign that you need to work on loving yourself.
Everything that I missed after breakups with toxic exes was all my projections. I was convinced that the amazing, loyal, respectful, emotionally available “prince” that he was, in the beginning, was going to somehow, reappear at any moment.
People don’t change, they slowly reveal who they are.
So getting back to the questions: “Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did?”
Yes, he thinks of you. ESPECIALLY if you cut him off.
Yes, he does miss you and yes he does regret what he did. And I’m not just saying that.
Here’s the thing though: with emotionally unavailable guys, they’ll THINK OF YOU when you cut them off and they’ll “MISS YOU,” in the sense that they miss what you provided. They will REGRET that they don’t have you around as a bench-warming option any longer. They will never feel regret the way that you and I would hope for, because true regret from an emotionally available person will always include remorse.
Remorse requires: empathy, maturity, emotional connectivity, and being able to objectively examine their actions for what they are (so that evolution and growth can actually take place).
Toxic people are only capable of selfish regret, not selfless remorse.
Their disconnection will never allow genuine remorse. This very sad and limited range is the extent to which they can actually “miss” and “regret.” And honestly, you deserve so much more than this and you know it.
- Don’t mistake him “missing you” for him missing the girl who did not know her worth.
- Don’t mistake him “missing you” for him missing how you pedestaled him.
- Don’t mistake him “missing you” for him missing the control he had over your emotions weather.
- Don’t mistake him “missing you” for him missing his selfish needs being met at every turn.
- Don’t mistake him “missing you” for him missing the validation he would get by exploiting your hunger for his.
Accepting any of those bullet points above as the kind of “missing” you deserve in life is an insult to your emotional intelligence.
Yeah, I get that you’ve lost your mojo and your ego is shot because you’re feeling rejected. But if you keep seeking validation from someone who isn’t even able to validate himself, you’re going to, just like him, end up always looking to other people and superficial possessions to dictate your worth.
If your ex misses you in the way you deserve, believe me when I say, you won’t have to search for a “does he miss me?” blog post.
He won’t send a text or passively “like” one of your photos, or view one of your stories on Instagram, just so you can spend the next week analyzing the inconsistent why’s. He will ACT upon the emotions that he is CONNECTED to.
Don’t get discouraged because it’s not happening. Imagine if you and I went to an animal shelter and I asked to hold a baby kitten. Then, when we sat down and held the cat, I started making a huge scene because I thought that the cat would bark and it keeps meowing.
Insane, right?
Your ex is a cat and guess what? Cat’s meow. Expecting him to miss you in the way that you deserve and to come back to the relational table a toxic person no more is as ludicrous as expecting a cat to bark. It’s never going to bark. Stop wasting your time.
“Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did?” You know better now. And can finish your own emotional sentences.
Replace your sadness with being FED-UP. Eventually, your anger will be replaced with indifference.
Indifference is the ultimate liberation.
You CAN start to care about and love yourself now. You can.
I remember during one of the worst, most painful breakups, my ex finally reached out to me after a few months. He sent a few angry, childish texts then, after a few weeks of silence on my end, he said everything that I ever wanted to hear and more… In another text.
It was hard but I didn’t respond, ever.
And he never called to see if I was alive, nothing. That was my turning point, my “AHA!” moment where I realized that it wasn’t me he was after- he was after a response from me because he felt out of control after I had cut him off. He then had to “retaliate.” I didn’t bite the bait. And in the process, I reclaimed my life.
It had more to do with his own bruised ego and image management than it ever had to do with genuine remorse and missing me.
You are worth so much more than someone who just “misses” you from afar while sh*tting their emotional shorts.
x Natasha
Are you done with toxic relationships and ready to attract (and be attracted to) healthy relationships? Do you want to connect with others on a deeper level than the comments below? Click here to become an Emotional Mastery Member and learn more. If you’re looking for more personalized, one-on-one help, you can work directly with Natasha Adamo here.
NATASHA!!! GIRL you have outdone yourself with this one omfg. How did you know that this was seriously exactly what I needed? I just shared it with my sorority sisters #obsessed!
So what happens if he is too consumed with his new thing to miss you…?
There is a big possibility he won’t come (text or call) back then right?
Let’s be honest..some of us are seeking a “I miss you” because we WANT to teach them a lesson, we WANT them to crack from being an ass hole to finally saying something.. even if it is just a “hello”
To me it sounds like a big game.. like the blinking game.. whoever blinks (texts or calls) first lose.
What if… some of us are looking for that break from ass wholeness? not so much”yes he missed me too” But “yes.. now he knows how I’ve been feeling.. suffer!”…
Hi Ayana!
Thanks for reading 🙂 The best thing to always do is turn inward and focus on yourself. I’m not a fan of games either. If he was truly capable of missing, empathy and remorse, he would have found a way to exit the relationship without being a jerk. xoxo
I totally agree, it’s not about playing games. My guy wasn’t awful. He was lazy and selfish. He committed to doing the absolute minimum to hold on to me. It was all about him. In a way, I admired that about him. For me, it was about understanding my value. We should all have a set of standards for every aspect of our lives, especially relationships. If those standards are not met, we walk. I think doing this a few times more will make it easier to do.
I will not be jealous of the next woman, because I know that he will treat her the same way, in time. Because it’s not about me or her, it’s about him. In the end, I do care about him, and I want to help him be a better man, to grow and evolve for the next woman. So I have cut.him.off.
Thanks for this article Natasha, I really needed it right now.
🙂 XOXO
I’m not sure if you’ll ever read this but exactly what you said is my life at the moment almost a year ago later since you wrote your comment. I just wanted to hear an update on this particular relationship in your life. Im one of those “he’ll realize what a great catch I am and come back a changed man” people and I think, if I listen to the experience of someone who went through pretty much exactly the same thing I am with this emotionally unavailable man that wasn’t terrible towards me but lazy and did the bare minimum, then I can completely move on from feeling like that.
I just left the asshole , which I love. And no it’s not a game. But I hate to say I do hope he will miss me. I took care of him like a king, biggest mistake I done. And so he could treat his 40 year old freeloader niece like a queen. And it hurts me so much after 9yrs. I put up with his niece leaving with us for the 3rd.time. but the man I love spent to much time worrying about her. And partying with her and her male friends in her room. I thought I was going to be with him alone at home but she be coming back again. Maybe they deserve each other. 58-year-old uncle and his niece. In my bible its a sin. But only God knows. But yet drugs can do anything ? Right or no excuses it up to you.
I went through the same thing but it was with his 30 yo niece and his 50 something year old sister. It was nice to read what you wrote because for a while I thought I was going insane. He would always call me jealous or get mad at me. He had to move in there because he lost his job. But he ended up paying all the rent, got food, took his nieces son to doctor and took her to doctor and to work and to wherever else she needed to go. Meanwhile I had to find a ride to a surgery and take care of myself. Constantly trying to fix up her ghetto shack and giving out extra money to anyone in his family that asked for it. But telling me we had cut out our alone times to save money–two months and he has no money saved but yet we still only see each other once or twice a week. I understand family but damn. It was like he was their damn boyfriend and I was just his buddy coming over to hand out. Always more concerned with making them happy, and I could never understand why it couldn’t be equal to some extent? Why didn’t I deserve the same respect and attention? Why didn’t he care to let me fend for myself or let me down? After all the dipsh*t wouldn’t even have his precious car if it wasn’t for me. I was a fool and it took me almost 4 years to change my number and leave without a word. He started off so caring and attentive when he first moved there and reassured me everything would be ok. It only last three months. I guess they got to him, didn’t want their meal ticket running off. He would nit pick at me. Ultimately decided in march we shouldn’t move in together. Made complaints that I have never heard him say before. I blame him and his blood sucking ghetto ass sister. She got 3 people living in that house and they all have a purpose. At one time she had a bum living there with her and she wouldn’t make him pay rent. I did think it was funny dummy found out she was sending her boo in jail money, from what he was giving her LOL!!!! Bunch of losers!!
Natasha THANK YOU GIRL!!! You have set me free !!!! You are so right !!! I walked away from a 3 year relationship with the Ultimate F*ucktard!!! I changed my number and blocked him from all access to me. Believe I had too otherwise he would be texting me from his phone and when I blocked him he would text me from his mom phone!!! Your so right these selfish men don’t give a Damm about anyone except their EGOS!!! in the end I started to resent him and I called him out all the time !! You cannot Love a person when you have lost so much respect for them any longer!!! That’s when I knew I didn’t LOVE him any longer!!! You cannot expect Love from someone that has no LOVE for anyone !!!I Walked away and I did pray to God to take my feelings away from me and you know what he did !!! I’t hasn’t been long 3 weeks but I have no desire to ever go back !!! I have my power back and I know I truly deserve so much better than him!!! I’m not afraid to be alone !!! I FEEL SO FREE NOW !!! THANK YOU n
You go girl xoxoxo
Yes I liked this too. My baby daddy broke my heart into a million pieces a day ago and all I think about is that I miss him and I guess he didn’t love me so I cussed him out told him he wasn’t shit and tried to make him feel as bad as he made me feel. I’m not gone contact him because he not worth my time and I’m already getting over him. It hurts but that’s ok.
I’ve been googling everything for the last month to figure this out and God finally dropped this blog in my lap here on Valentine’s Day and narcissist wasn’t even one of my tag words this time! He is terrible naricisstic and emotionally unavailable but I’ve been through so many of the same relationships. It’s amazing how someone codependent like myself can find men who are so polar opposite yet possess the same mentality when it comes to relationships. I’m gonna read those bullet points over and over because I was just about to text him Happy Valentines Day because I wish he had done it for me. I’m changing my priorities and myself and my son are all im gonna focus on. I never thought I’d be a mom and low and behold he’s already almost 6 and it took me 3 years to break away from my now ex husband who happens to be my sons alcoholic father! Only to move on to another lifeless soul that made me feel so loved and desirable in the beginning! Working on me and doing my best to not look back!
I’m proud of your Heather. Know your worth, have your own back and do what’s best for your son and you. xoxo
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this!! You don’t know how FABULOUS this made me feel and made me lololol.. Thank you so much sista ???.
-Chrystal
Thanks soul sister 🙂 xx
I stumbled upon this and want to say thank you so very much for this blog. I swear it felt like you were in my relationship that just ended….THANK YOU
Thanks Amber 🙂 Glad you’re enjoying the blogs xoxo
Thank you. This has given me some hope. It has only been a few days. And I’m hurting a lot. But I like this. Thank you
XOXO
God bless you, Natasha!…This was everything I needed to hear today…you’ve turned my tears of sadness of him dumping me after 2 years, and cutting off all communication with me, into tears of joy for him doing that…my consolation comes in the knowingness that he does regret his decision, and misses everything u listed in those bullet points…I guess someone had to just wake me up to reality…I now realize that what I was in love with was the person that he could be, if he hadn’t been such a narcissistic *%*…lol…I know I must have been the best little doormat he ever had, so I know he misses me a lot!…thank u so much for the wake up call, and telling it like it is…Keep up the good work, and know that you truly are helping people see the light!!…I finally feel that I am worth so much more than what I settled for…I’ll chalk it up to yet another learning experience…
Hi Naomi! I’m honored to have helped 🙂 You are loved, appreciated, understood and never, ever alone. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. Lots of love to you soul sis. xx
Brilliant!
PS- Any way you can do a post about the makeup products you use, please??? You are seriously so badass and so string and beautiful and I just want to get everything that you use. I ordered the brow gal pencil I can’t wait to get it and I also ordered a few pieces from ArynK
Thank you!!! I hope you like my product! The pencil and the brow gel are my favorites
I couldn’t agree more with the previous comment. I never think it’s possible for your posts to get any better and you just keep bringing the heat. Where was this when I was your age :)? So spot on and again, so good. You are doing a lot of good and helping more people than you know. So proud of you. Love you
Hi Natasha 🙂
This post is amazing and really opened up my mind as to why I even care so much if my guy even misses me at all. I’m 23 met this guy online, he was very sweet and charming at the beginning when we finally met up on a date I was in awe he was so charismatic and lively but I think from the initial date I could tell he was a narcissistic a hole lol. But stupidity lust attraction took over and I couldnt resist his charms. 3 months rolled on and I could tell he liked me but just wasn’t willing to be committed to me, I felt like he was constantly fishing for other girls but loved my amazing caring personality too; best of both worlds. He admitted to not feeling love but cared for me and wanted to see me all the time, met my sister, we would go out with his mates, cook together etc It just got too confusing and frustrating for me. Then 5 months rolled by of us meeting, he meets a beauty online and admits that he likes her and is going to meet her … rubs it in my face and showed his true colours 🙁 I have seen them on fb he is fake hanging out with people he hates to impress her but I know the truth… when u think they care. He cut me off. I know I’m an amazing bright girl and deserve better but at times I do think about him. I hope that oneday he realises he will never find a girl like me 😉 he had it too good but I was naive and now I’m suffering 🙁 thank u sooo much for this post! Xxx
Hi Liv!
Thanks so much for reading and for your love and feedback 🙂 I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through all this; I know how much it hurts. Use reality to propel you to move forward, keep coming back to the blog and be kind and gentle with yourself. You’re not alone xxxxx
Ummmmmm this is EVERYTHING. The questions we always ask ourselves. It’s so hard but all of the reasons they miss you.. It’s so true. And for you to put it in such a way that’s so easy to get and understand. It’s amazing. I don’t know how you know It all.. But we truly benefit from your heartbreak and strength!
I’m sorry in advance..this is long but you seem like you have excellent advice..
My ex bf graduated college last December. (He delayed for half a semester because he didn’t sign up for his capstone in time and didn’t realize he failed two classes before….I just thought he wasn’t ready to graduate and I accepted that just fine- growing up is hard..) I graduated this past May. I thought we would move in together since we pretty much lived in the dorms together and in my house (with roommates) for over 4 years. He said he wouldn’t live with me until we were married because he is catholic and doesn’t believe in that – even though we have been sleeping together and staying the night together since freshman year of college. I am 23 and he is 24. His parents are VERY religious and strict but he said that it was HIM that wouldn’t live with me. So this was huge for me and I felt very betrayed and confused. I said that we should stop staying the night together every night and maybe to stop having sex. He said no he doesn’t want to stop.
I felt like I was being used so I slowed down on stuff (he never stopped staying over but sex dwindled a bit). I cried a lot March, April, May etc. It felt like we should be starting a life together instead of each paying $700/month living 10 minutes away. He was also always staying at my place – the little things add up like cleaning, buying essentials – etc. that I don’t think he realized I provided for him. I was fine with doing that but it started to become a little overbearing. My sadness didn’t seem to have an effect on him and he stayed solid on not living with me.
I also REALLY wanted to move to a city where most of my family was – he knew how important this was to me but kept saying “maybe in the future” when reality he wants to become a manager at the only place he has ever worked in his life. He didn’t tell me this until after I stayed in the same city as him (our run down college town we have lived in for 5 years – boring!!!) instead of moving where I wanted or compromising on a different city (I would have as long as it was closer in some aspect to my destination). He would have never followed me if I would have moved I don’t think…Before he broke up with me I was fine with compromising and living and doing what he wanted.
Long story short – I was sad a lot, I got a semi-bad job after college. (now i notice he wasn’t fully there for me). The housing stuff didn’t rule my life and we still did fun things together and I would only get upset when something came up about it. We went out and did fun things together and seemed normal at the time. I wasn’t acting miserable by any means. This was also naturally stressful because we started full time jobs, friends moved away, new housing, just new life situations in general. I thought we were in it together, however. I thought it was a natural phase. Life as a “real adult” can be frustrating at first.
Big fights: living together, moving, and about abortions (NOTHING to do with us and was a hypothetical random fight – it was big though…it escalated probably because of built up tension?). We made up – I thought??
I got over my sadness because he came to me and was very sad. (he never came to me 100% when I was sad though and angry at him for being a hypocrite) I stepped up and I helped him move into 2 houses (first was bad deal) and I stopped moping about living somewhere else. I gave it my all. MY ALL. What person who is devastated about something turns all her feelings around despite how much it hurts and gives selflessly to their S.O.?? Someone who deeply loves them.
More background to why I’m confused…In May – we got a 2nd cat together that he picked out from the Humane Society. June 29th he said he wanted to propose this fall and have kids in a few years (he says he truly meant it when he said it) He brought it up on his own. We also were going to look at engagement rings in July.
This is what throws me off as well – the week of the breakup – M-Th is is sick and I take care of him. Thursday he stayed at my house all day long. I made him suppers, made tea, and picked up his dirty tissues from the floor. Friday – he cooked me dinner (he offered right when he got to my place) and took the trash out. We watched a movie – cuddle – said I love you and went to bed. He went to work Saturday morning – everyday day he wakes me up at 4:45am and says have a good day – love you.
He comes barging into my house at 12:30pm Saturday saying he hasn’t loved me for a long time and hasn’t wanted to really be together since March. He says he has zero passion or connection to me and he is leaving forever and will NEVER love me again and he has been faking it.
He came to me a month before and said he was sad but wouldn’t say why – I thought because of new life stresses and because he had a bad housing situation. I turned it ALL around – helped him move twice and was selfless for over a month completely. I’m seeing certain things NOW and he stopped be as sweet as he used to be before March. Anytime I brought up him being out of it or sad or pulling away he said he was just tired from work and it wasn’t me etc. Or he would try to make things better then.
At work he moves rocks all day in a quarry from 6am-4:30pm M-F and 6am-12pm Saturdays – almost no human contact. NOTHING against this but it just gives a person a lot of time to think alone. (I think it’s great he loves his job but I feel like it his harmful to his thinking sometimes. He dreamed about being a cop in college, however, but never worked for that goal). He has only had a job at this quarry during the summers. Didn’t work during college. So he was used to having A LOT of free time when I was always busy. He said he would work Sundays if he could – he knew I didn’t like that idea. He also said that he didn’t want to turn 24 because that is too old.
I would describe myself as a go-getter and constantly striving for stuff. I don’t know if my personality wore him down at all either but we always seemed to work throughout college…I always tried to help him with things. I also know that I need to work on my temper sometimes too – I’m not perfect – no one is…he wasn’t either. I thought we accepted our “flaws”.
What happened?? Did the living and abortion fights scare him off? We have had big fights before (mainly because he hurt me or did something wrong) but we always worked it out…he has NEVER started an argument with me before so was this all bottled up over the years? He said he would never love me again.
I just wish he would have told me in March or before August at least!! There was no direct or effective communication
He says he has NO idea why he fell out of love with me. I asked him about all of the fights etc. and he said those weren’t the reasons. He said I am great and beautiful but he doesn’t love me at all and when he is around me he feels nothing and is relieved it’s finally over. He keeps saying he doesn’t know why this happened and none of what I stated above is the reasoning.
Oh yeah and he NEVER told anyone he was thinking about breaking up with me. He got no advice from anyone and usually he tells his best friend everything. EVERYONE was shocked and thought it was a joke we broke up. His parents cried and his dad has only cried 3 times in the last 25 years. He won’t talk to anyone either about what happened because he said he isn’t ready to or doesn’t know.
(I was his first girlfriend (not first hookup etc. though). He was my 3rd boyfriend and 2nd long term relationship. My first LTR boyfriend from high school went to school 3 hours away and wanted to see other people eventually once we were in college.)
I feel like it got too hard and he ran away but I also accept that maybe we just weren’t right for each other. Breakups are hard but I know we can each love someone else eventually (him probably sooner). Day of break up I begged him to stay. 2 days later I tried again. 2 days after that I said I don’t want to be with you at all but I have some questions…he said he is relieved we broke up and is happy now (over a week ago he said this). He said he would be there for me if I needed questions answered and I said no I don’t want to speak anymore. It has been 2 and 1/2 weeks since we broke up. We haven’t spoken for 1 and 1/2 weeks.
I’m confused yet not confused but I wish he would give me answers. I’m sick of blaming him and myself. I don’t want to be hard on either of us and I’m hoping that I can find peace and just let it go because it wasn’t meant to be. I do miss how we used to be when we both felt the same way about each other. He is a good guy. I now notice he was more withdrawn all these months though but he has a very laid back – not as “out-going” personality and it was sort-of a stressful time.
What happened? He says he has no idea. Is he going to actually MISS me, miss me like your bullet points state, or move on happily alone or with a new easy-going girl? I feel like now that we are broken up he is going to change for the better and follow his dreams or start traveling or doing fun stuff without me…when I tried and tried to get him to even take half a day off work so we could do more things together and he wouldn’t.
Hi Nicole,
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this all. I know how hard it is and I know how you’re feeling; you’re not alone. Your ex sounds completely emotionally unavailable and no, I do not think he will change/become a better guy with a better (new) girlfriend, Not a chance. As far as him missing you, read my post on that, it says everything that I’d want to say.
To me, it seems like there’s something much, much deeper going on with him. It has nothing to do with you. His contradictions, his stances on things and his treatment of you (which is a reflection of how he feels about and treats himself), are all huge red flags for me when I read them. Again, I think this is something much deeper and more serious than him just falling out of love with you and having an epiphany of brutal honesty.
My best advice to you would be to read this sentence that you wrote to me in your comment:
“What person who is devastated about something turns all her feelings around despite how much it hurts and gives selflessly to their S.O.?? Someone who deeply loves them.”
That reads: Someone with a serious lack of boundaries. I know what you meant and I know how much you loved/love him, but unconditional love (love without boundaries) is not love- it’s self inflicted abuse. You need to work on your boundaries and commit to not engaging with anyone where loving them requires muting your own feelings, putting yourself consistently on the back burner, and having your heart break.
I would not suggest engaging with him on any level. Get behind and work on you- loving yourself, caring for yourself and making the commitment to go out there and get better. You deserve so much more.
xx, Natasha
Natasha,
Thank you for your reply. I honestly never thought of my “unconditional love” that way. You are completely right. Looking back, it was hard for me in that relationship to know my boundaries and limitations. There were a lot of times he hurt me or red flags appeared but I just kept forgiving him and tried to work on the relationship. I’m left here asking myself, “why didn’t I break up with him before”? I just never gave up on the relationship because I truly believed we were meant for each other. I wanted to believe things would get better. He gave up on me – I never gave up on him. I guess I don’t know my boundaries and I hope this experience will give me insight.
Looking back on these 6 months I realize how blind I was to the fact he had already checked out and stopped trying. It makes me feel sad and angry because of the intimate conversations we had about the future and everything that we did together. I don’t even know this person who I was dating those last 6 months or who he is now.
Thank you for all of your inspiring posts. They really do help. Thank you for advice again as well, re-reading it I can definitely tell how frantic I was typing it. I have been feeling a bit more calm but it’s still hard doing things again without him.
I haven’t contacted him and don’t plan on it. I honestly never want to and I assume that he has already been hanging out with or talking to someone new since he has been absent minded from me for so long.
Best wishes 🙂
🙂 Nicole, Yes! I am so proud of you. You’ve got this and you aren’t alone. I can’t thank you nor tell you how proud I am of you enough times xoxo
Hi Nicole! I just wanted to ask how are you now? How were you able to survive after all that happened? Appreciate your reply. Thanks!
Hi,
It would be natural to give unconditional love. And the biggest red flag started when he refused to live together after college. He’s unsure about spending his life with you. He’s too comfortable to find a better job and actually use his degree? If you had continued being a doormat and never pressing him to compromise, just be a love robot and not a nagging partner, you might have gotten the ring. And ten years down the road, you would have joined your circle of friends that get divorced or break up. He did you a favor. I personally would rather be alone than deal with such gross immaturity. And I do not really know if you can ask for better because they all usually end up disappointing you sooner or later- which is super cynical.
I honestly think there’s a huge, deep-seated issue plaguing men as a society and I do not know if there’s an easy solution. Anyway, it’s been many years since this was posted. Thanks for sharing your story.
Um, I was just on my way to work this morning listening to Bieber’s (legitmately good) song, thinking “this is me as hell”, and then I stumbled upon this blog. Thank you, this is just what I needed right now. You nailed it.
Thank you and thanks for reading LC :)) xxo
Hi,
Me and my boyfriend were together one year. He takes me on vacation for my birthday and literally three days later he breaks up with me. He said he feels like he will never love me. A couple of weeks before this birthday vacation he went to his family’s home country for two weekS. The day of the breakup he says he never missed me while he was gone. My perspective on this whole thing is I feel like there’s someone else. I have cheated before and I know how it feels when someone new enters your life it’s exciting and the person your with becomes old news. This is me assuming I’m not sure if this is the case. We spoke a little and I walked off cuz, I was so upset. I feel like we never gave each other a chance to miss one another cuz we always talked on the phone always together. So now I’m wondering does he care? Did I matter? Would he realize after not hearing from me that he does in fact want me in his life?
Sincelery
Brokenhearted
To the poster of this blog- this was something I really, REALLY needed to hear this morning. You have been there for me, a complete stranger, in ways you will never know! I feel more at peace after reading your article than I ever have after calling up one of my girl friends and venting about my recent break up. I wish that I could give you a great big hug, but an electronic one will have to suffice for now. Thank you again. You’re a sweet soul, full of wisdom and maturity. I wish you a happy Monday! <3 A
Hi Natasha,
I just came across your site, and it’s so inspirational. My ex and I broke up about 8 months ago after being together for a year. It was on and off because we fought a lot about stupid things, but he was the first man I’ve ever loved. When we broke things off officially, he wanted to stay friends, but I couldn’t do it. Eventually he gave up and I started to miss him, so I reached out. He’s so happy now without me, and his life is falling into place. He stopped responding to my texts, but before he stopped, he told me about how happy he is that he got the job he wanted and everything. I don’t know why I can’t let go of him. I was his first girlfriend, and he is in his late 20’s, so I thought he would really be mature about everything, but he really wants nothing to do with me. We always fought about him not putting me first and him always caring more about his family and friends. Sigh, I wish I could just move on, but such a big part of me feels like he is the one. I’ve been in other relationships, but I just feel like I made a mistake by letting him go. I can’t even remember anything bad about him anymore. Please help 🙁
Hi Sarah!
Thanks for reading :)) You stated a lot of red flags:
1. He’s in his late 20’s and you were his first girlfriend.
2. He wanted to stay friends after you broke up despite your heartbreak and the fact that you BOTH needed space to heal and deal for a minute. (I have a post on this)
3. You always fought about him not putting you first and him caring more about/prioritizing friends and family over you.
You can’t move on because you’re arguing with reality and this relationship has robbed you of the self esteem that would normally get you out of this headspace. You can’t remember anything bad about him any longer because you are romanticizing the good times and the moments when he was on his best behavior. People do not change – they unfold. He unfolded into the guy that he’s always been. Again, I don’t know the whole story but he seems extremely avoidant, emotionally shut off and lacking in the empathy department. Read through more of my posts and use reality to propel you to move forward. You deserve so much more. If I can do it, you can do it. You’re not alone xoxoxoxo
Hi Natasha,
Thank you so much for the response. You really helped me see the light at the end of this tunnel. Everything that you said was so right. I have been reading through your other posts and they make so much sense. I just don’t know why I can’t snap out of this. Maybe it’s because he told me how happy he is and how his life is so good. I just hope I get through this fire 🙁
I’ve experienced this before. I was his first everything and he was 29. The man was very hard to figure out, I was never a priority which I didn’t mind that much because I’m also a very busy person. He broke up with me last year after 6 months dating and came back 10 months later. I never got over him so I took him back. Biggest mistake! These kind of men never change! Left me again after few months. I’m still angry til now but I blocked him off anywhere I can think of so he won’t ever contact me again. I understand it’s hard right now for you, but him not talking to you is a blessing. It may be hard to see but you will find someone so much better, and someone who deserves your attention/love.
Couldn’t agree more 🙂 xoxoxox
Hi A – I’m giving you a big hug right back!! 🙂 Thanks for the love and thanks for reading
xoxo, Natasha
This is kinda long. I am 21, my ex boyfriend and I met in college.I was his first and he was my first. Things were great….. for the first year. After that he started using apps to sext and talk dirty to girls. He said he got bored. I told him he should of left, but he said he didn’t want to because he loved me. But he kept doing it and I would keep forgiving him. He also would lie about it when I caught him and he would always blame me saying all I was trying to do was start fights. This kept going on and on. He then graduated a year before I did. I asked him if he wanted to be together since he was going back home, which was 3 hours away, he said yes. I caught him messing a girl he liked in high school and would always try to hide when talking to her. He would also lie about talking to girls, even if they were just his friends. We broke up, I was devastated, but we stopped talking for two weeks, until he was back at my door asking to be back together, we did. Then this time last year I found out that I was pregnant… 8 months pregnant. I had no symptoms of being pregnant until I was 8 months. I had to tell him over the phone because he was back home. He said he was going to kill himself and he f****ed our lives. He had nothing and wanted nothing to do with our child. He told me to tell no one. I made one the toughest decisions and placed her with a better family. I went through with a lawyer. He wasn’t there for the birth, I gave birth all alone. Non of our families know. We were still together. But about a month after all that I found out he was talking to girls on Facebook while I was going through all of that and giving birth. He kept blaming me and said I love to argue with him, I kept telling him that if he stopped there would be no arguments. Fast forward to this past June. We got into a fight and for a week he seemed distant, he would barely talk to me. Then one Saturday he called, asked what I was doing and said he loved me. When I got off work that night I tried to call him, his phone went straight to voicemail. One of our mutual friends texted me and said he spotted him with another girl at an event he went to. I died inside. I try to call him for a week but he blocked me. Once he finally unblocked me he tried to lie and said he didn’t, but finally admitted to it and said he was just a friend. I told him he cheated, he said he did not and that he was done. I was hurt and could not handle it. I wanted to be with him, but he did not want me. He blocked me and we didn’t talk till October. He said he was sorry and he missed me. We met up and one thing led to another. He did admit to seeing and talking to other girls, this hurt me because I was wondering how could he see other girls in a month or less after he broke it off. We got back together, but he was distant, saying stuff if was him not me. He then stared talking to me. But then he changed his profile picture to a picture of him and that same girl, he said they were just friends. I told him to take it down, but he accused me of trying to start another fight and would say he was going to take it down but did not. I let it slide and we kept going on. I felt like he was talking to another girl, so one morning I asked him about it and he flipped. Saying that if I would stop everything would be fine. I told him that he could mess around and hurt me and everything would be fine. He told me to stop trying to guilt trip him (when I was not) because it was not going to work. Once again he is done. He then changed his picture back to one with just him in it, hours after he broke it off. I have tried my best with him. We did not talk for a few days until he texted me saying he rolled his car and sent pictures of it and said he just wanted to let me know. I am devastated once again. I love him, but I know he does not love me. I love you article by the way. I feel like he is happier without me. I want to get over him, but it is going to take along time. Part of me still wants him. I keep hoping that he will regret it all. I don’t understand why he did this to me and hate me so much for.
It has been really hard, I told him it was either me or he can keep his girls that he has been talking to that are back home with him. He told be bye, I said somethings and yelled at him and he said some hurtful things to me and blamed it all on me, saying that he had to put up with me for the past 3 years and blocked me on everything again, including my number. He is back to talking to a girl he used to like in High School, I don’t get how he can just move on like that, being happy, and not caring. While I am over hear in pain and can’t sleep and I am so depressed. I know he is not good, but I want him to regret do what he did to me, miss me, and get his karma.
If you truly want that, you need to turn inward and work on you. I know it’s hard; youre not alone xoxo
How do I do that and what will it do for me?
Hi Jess, I wish that I could help more, but I can’t explain all of that here on the comments. If you’d like 1-on-1 help, I do offer that option xoxo
This literally healed my soul thank you so much!!!!! You are amazing
You made my day! 🙂 Thank YOU for reading and for your sweet comment. It takes one to know one… you’re amazing too xoxo
Natasha,
I’m at this stage right now. To be honest, cutting him off and not playing his game anymore feels like a huge relief (after the big wave of sadness) but I’m wondering if and when he’ll get back in touch. Your post helps me to understand this situation a lot better and be detached from whatever the results are – i know I’m on the right way.
Keep up the amazing, generous work you do. You’re a shining beacon of hope, wisdom and joy.
Xx
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. For being you, for being here, and for being the light that you are 🙂 All my love to you. xox
Let’s see…fb friended me first, then texted me “hi”. I didn’t reply til a day later. Then he actually calls me because he wants to hear my voice ( my gut tells me this cuz he rarely called me when we dated for that minute). Anyway he went from trumpets blasting in a music hall to crickets in an empty field. Ya I got high off all the “noise” he was making and felt like a complete douche when it only lasted 2 weeks and now he’s falling for someone new. Oh the kicker? He’d been talking with his ex when he started the fade out with me (I stalked his twitter, yaya). 2 weeks later he’s falling for someone else. At least it seems like its lasting longer. Oh and they’re in a ministry school together. Rewind: Claimed God is changing his heart and he’d treat me better and he felt things would work out this time. I was very proud of him. Asshole goes and completely freezes me out. Of course I was being all wishy washy but I made it clear to him I had mixed feelings after all the bs he put me through. Just say goodbye already…it’ll be your one good deed!
I am so sorry you had to go through all of that crap. I wouldn’t respond to him, you deserve so much more than someone that would do this to you and others. Haha I love the ecard 🙂 You’re not alone babe, if you need anything or have any questions, just comment on here any time and I’ll respond. Thanks so much for reading and for sharing your experience xoxo
Hi,
my ex and I broke up a month ago after a relationship of 3 years. The first week was horrible, but after that I had the time to focus on friends and theater and stuff that could take my mind of of things. I was surprised how good I felt after only a week. Now my finals are coming up and I really need to study and suddenly I’m feeling so lonely, checking his facebook all the time if something new comes up. He’s still logged in on his email on my computer and however there is nothing really interesting on it, I visit his account just to see what he’s been doing. It’s completely useless and I feel like a freak. A week ago I tried to find out his password on facebook FOR HOURS. Just to see if he’s talking to other girls or stuff like that. It drives me crazy. I’ve been crying a river over him, yesterday I was with my mom and I couldn’t stop the tears for hours. I keep wondering why he doesn’t contact me, why he doesn’t ask how I’m doing, or that he misses me. He has finals too, but somehow I feel like he’s still, you know, doing stuff, meeting friends, taking his mind of things. And I’m here, obsessing over everything. Everything that has happened, why I wasn’t good enough for him, why he didn’t love me enough anymore. I don’t understand why he broke up with me. I always thought that if we ever broke up, it would be me who did it. But lately everything was going well and he said to me that we made fun and we were really good together and a month ago he broke up with me. It makes no sense. It wasn’t planned or anything. He just said he had been doubting about us. And I felt so betrayed, because he told me the opposite before. I just want him to text me, that he misses me, that he made a mistake, so maybe I could tell him I don’t want him back. Just to make clear that he doesn’t own me or anything. He can’t keep playing me. I removed him from snapchat, because I didn’t want to see his stories anymore, they hurted a lot. This week suddenly he asks me if I blocked him on snapchat. I said I didn’t want to see his stories anymore and I asked if he maybe wanted to send me snaps. He said he sent me a snap, but it didn’t get through, so that’s why he asked. I didn’t respond. And that was that. That was the conversation. F*CK I hate this feeling. Am I not worthy of more than this. Can’t he just ask me how I’m doing. I keep going over stuff, going over stuff, going over stuff, again and again and again. And I have to study and I freaking can’t, because he’s in my head. All. The. Time. My mom keeps telling me he wasn’t worthy of me in the first place. Somewhere, I do know that’s true, he didn’t really gave my credits for anything I did, wasn’t impressed by my talents or achievements and stuff. But why does he, when he’s not even around, keep terrorizing my head and body. Why can’t I eat properly, why do I stress over everything. Why doesn’t he call or text or you know, ANYTHING… I’m going crazy. I know I’m not alone in this, but why do I still feel that way?
So much love to all the people going through the same thing, I really respect every one of you out there. It’s certainly not easy…
XO
Hi
Im here because my ex broke my heart 6 weeks ago and we were together for 2 years, the feeling were intense, he asked my mom att one point for permission to marry me and she said yes and i almost got a ring but told him to surprise me. My family liked him an his family loved me. His family thought we would marry. I am deeply flawed but i gave him everything my heart everything i was there for him faithful everything a woman can do to prove she wife material, welll i am not perfect and i was trying to work on myself an overall he was a good guy he loved me an i loved him. We fought we argued we loved he never cheated. But around the timw we broke up we were argueing he just got tired of it an left me an cut me off completely. Well im heart broken, he had me under the impression we were getting back together when we got our life together, well a couple of days ago i found out hes with another girl and he got with her not to long after we broke up. Now ive been told that this is his “rebound relationship” to me and he will be back. Now im more hurt and im going crazy he cut me off completely and kept his new girl a secret from me an like i said people are saying its a rebound relationship. I dont talk to him an he doesnt want to talk to me hes angry at me.his little sis has been messageing me on instagram because she wants me n him back together an she will me…she loved me an shes only like 9 an his family is upset for what he did to me… Its makeing me crazy because i wana know what hes thinking what hes feeling and if he missing me an if he will regret what he did??? I just wana know because i truely felt he was my one and only. I miss him so much.
Hi Desiree,
I know how you feel and am sorry that you’re going through this all. The best thing you can do is cut him off on all fronts, turn inward and work on yourself. Clean up your side of the street first and take the focus off of him. That is the only way for people to see what they’re missing out on. xoxo
You think he will miss me and come back?
He may, but that doesn’t mean he’s changed. That has to be proven through actions xo
Thanks for writing such a great article! I’m going through a very hard breakup, needed a slap across the face. I keep dreaming of the man I wanted him to be, the dream of us having a real life together but I know I’m fooling myself. It’s been a couple weeks of no contact and instead of feeling better I’m feeling much worse. I’m working on myself but after going through divorce to this relationship it’s like learning a foreign language. Praying for better days!!!
Hi Robin,
Thank YOU for reading and for your sweet comment! :)) It’s normal to feel worse, especially in the first few weeks, before you start to feel better. Take it hour by hour, keep coming back here to the blog and just know that you’re not alone. xoxo
Hi, I just wanted to ask some advice, I’m in an odd situation and I just can’t seem to let go of a guy. We were never really a couple just really flirty friends. We were on and off for about 3 years, we would meet, hold hands, kiss etc. When I asked if there was a future he told me he was young and wanted to focus on his career but he was happy taking it slow and being friends. We kind of cooled it off and after a month I texted him to say happy birthday he called me the next day asking me if I wanted to go out for dinner, I said yes and we kind of picked up where we left off minus the hand holding and kissing. This went on for about a year where we would meet every single week and he kissed me again. I asked again if there was a future for us and this time he said no because of religious differences (neither of us are even religious.)
The thing with me and this guy is that neither of us like talking about feelings and I don’t ask unless I really have to. But whenever I do he gets really mean and defensive and so I get angry and then we never end up sorting anything out.
Last year, was a tough year for him in terms of losing his mum and I thought the best thing to do would be to give him space. During this time he went abroad and invited me to come with him (he said he would pay as I didn’t have enough money) but I couldn’t as I had other commitments. While he was away we ended up sending some inappropriate pictures which I completely regret. When he got back from holiday we met for lunch and he was saying how he wanted to get married in the next 2 years, I never said anything but obviously it was hard for me to hear. (Since he got back from holiday we were still sending each other pictures and arranging to stay together). A few days later he was being rude to me and I made the decision that if we were never going to be together I thought it would be best that we just end everything as it would be hard for me to see him with another woman. He told me that I was overreacting and that we would never be together but we could stay friends.
After a month or so of not speaking I saw on his snapchat that he was away with another girl, they obviously stayed the night together in a hotel and seemed really coupley. I know I shouldn’t have but I texted and asked if they were together to which he didn’t reply. I was getting so frustrated and I sent a few essays getting everything off my chest that he had never allowed me to and then he blocked my number. I even said if he had a gf I would never contact him again because I obviously don’t want to be the girl that’s going after someone else’s bf.
I just feel so stupid because I think me and this new girl over lapped, and the fact that he blocked me makes it so much harder to get over. Everything was always on his terms and I was always running after him. The minute he would ask to meet I would get ready and go rushing there.
I’m finding it hard to deal with because I can’t understand how it went bad so quick. We got on so well and were both really attracted to each other so I just don’t understand what was missing and what more he could’ve wanted. I mean, we met all the time. I didn’t even spend as much time with my female friends as I did with him.
I don’t blame him entirely as I know I should have run the second he started disrespecting me but I do think he led me on slightly, he knew I liked him and I think he just wanted to keep me around as an ego boost. But because I haven’t really been involved with many guys, the fact that we kissed meant a lot to me because I don’t go around kissing everyone or the fact that he asked me to go away with him.
Whenever we argued and stopped talking it was always me that made the first move and because he kept allowing me back into his life gave me a tiny glimmer of hope.
Obviously, I know I have no choice but to get over him and I’ve even had a really lovely guy interested in me but I can’t stop thinking about whether he ever liked me or if I was always just a big joke to him. Part of me thinks he only ever wanted to see how much action he could get off me.
I’m just finding it tough to deal with because I know I shouldn’t compare but I can’t understand what this new girl has that I didn’t. He seems to really like her and he’s so nice to her which he never really was to me. Since she’s in the picture, he doesn’t feel the need to stay on good terms with me because now that he has her, me not being around doesn’t make a difference to him.
Hi Beautiful,
I know exactly how you feel and I totally understand your reasons for doing what you did and why you’re now feeling the way that you are. I obviously don’t know every detail, but from what you’ve written, I feel as though he is emotionally unavailable and no matter who he’s with, he is incapable of having a mutual relationship (no matter how lovely and happy his snap stories look). You’re stuck on comparing yourself to this new girl and you’re having a hard time letting go because as long as you can keep the attention on that, you don’t have to put the attention back on yourself so you can work on you. I’ve been there and you’re not alone. You did most of the work and the trying in your relationship with him and don’t think that it won’t be the same song and dance with this new girl eventually. Listen to your gut. I do agree with what you said and deep down, you know the truth. If you feel like he led you on and didn’t treat you well, listen to that feeling. Don’t allow the choices that he’s made be the barometer of your value and worth. You deserve so much more.
I hope that I was able to help a bit xoxoxoxoxo
Hi Natasha,
Thank you so much for taking the time out to reply, I reallllly appreciate it. <3
I know I need to just forget all about him but because it all ended so abruptly without any answers I feel like I don't know if any of it was ever real and that's tough to process. I think in the beginning he genuinely did like me but when he knew he could have me he just lost interest. And we were genuinely friends for years so the fact that he just cut me out without even a goodbye makes it worse.
I spoke to a male friend about this who said it's probably going well with the new girl and he most probably hasn't told her about me and so that's why he's blocked my number so he doesn't have to have an awkward conversation with her, which actually makes a lot of sense. I can't help but think what was missing with me which made him decide that we'd never be together.
And I really don't understand why he wouldn't just tell me if he's dating her, I even said I'd never contact him again, but rather than texting back he decided to cut me out instead.
once again thank you so much xxxxx
Hi Natasha, found your post when doing a search. Your advice is very good. I am older then most here and was in a relationship for 13 years. He was younger than me. Broke up with him 3 years ago when I “knew” he was cheating. Turned out I was right ( always go with your women’s intuition). Now I have to ask myself how many times. I loved this man with all my heart and still can’t get over the break-up. I still stalk him in the internet only to cause myself more pain because now I have to see pictures of him with his new wife and child. He is not with the one he cheated on me with, but nevertheless it hurts. I know it is as you said, that I miss the man he was in the beginning. I believe near the end he started using drugs with his co-workers and that is what changed him. I think now he is back to the way he was because he moved back home, so that makes it worse for me because I think I should have held on.
I think about him 24/7, still cry, and feel like I just can’t keep doing this. To me, he was the love of my life, I will never feel like that again, I do believe that it is rare for true love to come around twice. Now I understand those women who stay with their man even when he strays, because to me that would have been better. But I acted in the heat of the moment and made things worse. In the back of my mind I think the relationship was doomed because of our age difference. However I do not consider myself a cougar because I was not looking for someone younger, we were friends first.
Now I cannot trust men at all, it seems they all lie and cheat and break your heart eventually. I am seeing someone, but I am not putting my heart in it. Already I have found him lying about things such as money, and time, so I feel this will go nowhere. Should I just give up on love? Is there anyone out there who doesn’t lie and cheat?
Hi Kate!
In my opinion, I don’t think it would have been smart in this situation to have stayed with him in spite of his infidelities. There were a lot of red flags and I honestly feel like you dodged a bullet. I truly feel like he was a cheater/liar before you, with you and will continue to be one. I’m sorry that you are going through this and I know how hard it can be emotionally, but you deserve better than this and you’re right – you can’t keep doing this. You need to focus on yourself and turn inward. To answer your question- NO, you should not give up on love and YES, there are gentlemen out there that aren’t deceitful and do not cheat. I promise xoxo
Me again. Just after I posted here I went on Farmers Only just to see if my current bf was on there and guess who I found, that’s right, my ex. The one with the new wife and child. I have always believed that if you know someone is being cheated on you should tell them, because I wish someone had told me in the past. Should I let his new wife know what he is up to?
LOL! I just saw this AFTER I replied to your last comment. It doesn’t surprise me at all that he’s still behaving this way. You should feel vindicated and happy that you aren’t having to deal with that kind of person any longer. The fact that he now has a child and is still doing this just adds another layer of heartbreak and disgust.
I personally would recommend that you not get involved. I know that your intentions are good in wanting to let his new wife know about this, but I would stay out of it. She will figure it out on her own. Just focus on yourself and be grateful that you’re not involved in this relationship any longer. xoxoxox
Thank you Natasha, your advise is so helpful, better than counseling where they give no advice! And I really did not expect such a quick response, this site is great.
🙂 thanks babe xo
Love ur blog! Ur words of wisdom helped me see the truth n what it should be..not what I want
Hi Victoria, Thanks for reading! So glad it served you 🙂 xo
I love your blog. So helpfull. In my situation I was with my ex for 7 years. He cheated on me with another woman, and I left him. Asoon as I left our House he got another house and moved her . It’s going on a year and he’s still with her. We have a child together. The first couple months I wouldn’t let him see our child. I wanted to keep him away because I was still hurt which I know was wrong on my side. Keeping him away from our son. Well now I let him take our son every other weekend,. But I’m still hurt over what happened.. it seems like I’m good most days. Then out of the blue I miss him . I don’t talk to him at all. When he picks up our son. It’s very few words. Less contact better… He texts everyday asking me to let our son call him . It doesn’t bother me. But I can’t help having these feelings still there… Any advice. Will really help. thanks
Hi Kim,
Thanks for reading 🙂 I would turn inward and bring the focus back to you; work on your boundaries and self esteem. For me, it is a daily practice xoxo
I’m so happy I came across your blog Natasha. It’s explains everything relationship-related that I’m always thinking about. My ex and I broke up about 4 years ago- I know I probably should be over him, but I still think about him all the time even though he treated me poorly. When we dated I was two years older than him. At the time I was 18 and he was 16. You see, I never had a boyfriend like most girls did in middle school or high school. I was always focused on school and never really worried about the boys and all the drama. About mid-way through the summer of 2012, I started talking to this boy. We were following each other on Twitter and always had quick conversations here and there, but this time we were messaging each other and I decided to give him my number. From there, we began texting everyday getting to know one another and we even found out we lived in the same town, which was great. We decided to plan a day to hang out, he asked his mom and she was fine with it and my mom was fine with it as well. The first time we hung out was perfect. We clicked really well and the whole night was wonderful. As we hung out more and more our feelings started to grow, and he decided to make me his girlfriend. We talked for a little over a month, but if I knew then what I know, I would have talked longer so I could truly figure him out more. Both his mom and my mom were fine with us dating, and I would even come home from college to spend time with him. I loved being with him, he was my first kiss and first boyfriend. I cared about him so much and even grew to love him. When I fall hard for someone, I really fall hard. But things started to change one night and he started to act weird. He admitted to me that he had a crush on another girl. This was a girl who he would always flirt with on Twitter. Mind you, they had never met, but they would always flirt. This situation, and his immaturity (lying, flirting with other girls on Twitter, and making stuff up) caused the breakup. Me being his girlfriend only lasted a week. He simply was immature and was not ready. His mom tried her best to have him work things out with me, because she liked me and thought we fit together, but he would never get it together. Of course he apologized, but I don’t think he was truly sincere about it. He never liked to show his emotions and when she would talk to him, he would just shut down.
After the whole breakup, we stopped talking for about close to a year and he finally contacted me again. We texted here and there and that was about it. And then we stopped texting again because he started talking to another girl (which didn’t last). Some months pasted by that we didn’t speak and after he graduated high school, he requested me on Instagram so I accepted and we followed each other. One day, he puts up a girl as his woman crush Wednesday and come to find out they were talking, so I automatically unfollowed him. After about 3 weeks he texts me asking how I am and stuff. I asked him about the girl and he said that they weren’t talking anymore. Him and I actually hung out and we hooked up. In December of 2014, he went to basic training for the military for about 6 months. During that time span we didn’t talk and about a few weeks before he came home we facetimed, texted, and decided to hang out when he came home. When we hung out we hooked up again, but a few days later he puts up another girl as his woman crush Wednesday on Instagram and suddenly he is talking to her. I decided I was fed up with his behavior (always running back to me when he stops talking to a new girl and when he does start talking to someone new he acts funny with me) and told him off through a text. He got defensive and told me to delete his number.
Fast forward to this past December, 6 months later after we had that argument, and who contacts me again? Him!!!! HE definitely did not delete my number. He apologized for what he said to me and told me I was right. Once again he was trying to hang out and obviously hook up, but I was too busy with finals for school. A few days after Christmas we finally decided that we were gonna hang out with one another. He suddenly texts me that he just started dating someone and he wanted to take her seriously and felt like they are gonna be together for a long time. Mind you, I’m so confused because this is the same guy who was in my text messages the whole time trying to hook up. I started to figure out the time frame him and the girl would have started talking and it must have been sometime in December, but yet he was still in my text messages. I wished him the best, and he told me he was sorry. The girl is 3 years younger than him. He’s 19 and she’s 16. What I don’t get is why would he always run back to me after he would talk to a girl and it failed. He knows I’m a good person, he’s even said it himself. He knows that I know him to the core, he even said it. He knows I always take him back in with open arms because I care, but why does he always have to hurt me? I’ve never hurt him because I care too much. And now I see him dating this girl and he looks so happy. He’s all over her Instagram, they hung out on Christmas and he was with her family for New Years. Why couldn’t he try to work things out with me? It just hurts because he knows I was good to him even after all the immature stuff he did to hurt me. I would love to get a genuine, sincere apology from him one day for all that he has done to me in the past, but I know I probably won’t get it from someone who doesn’t like to show their emotions. I just wonder if he ever thinks about what he did to me and regrets it. I know looking at pictures of him and the girl he is dating won’t do me any good, but it just hurts me. And the fact that he said he wants to take her seriously and feels like they will be together for a while hurts me even more. I got the courage to delete his number about 2 weeks ago.
Hi Josee!
Thank you so much! 🙂 I know how much it hurts; you’re not alone. I think that you did the right thing by deleting his number. Bring the focus back to you. You know the truth. Use reality to propel you to move forward and understand he’s incapable of a mutual relationship. You deserve so much more. xoxo
Please help!! I was in relationship with a guy, who seemed just perfect. We were going great. One day I asked him about commitment he said he was not ready. I thought ok take some time and tell me. But he started dating someone else. When I discovered this I was devastated. I spoke to him somehow I managed to convince him to get back together. We were together again but he seemed uncomfortable. It was because I graduated and got a job. But he was yet to graduate and didn’t had any job. He was very skeptic about what will happen tomorrow. I gave my 100% to support him and make him feel things are fine and I am there for him. But one day out of the blue he messaged me saying that he can’t take this further and he has lots of things to figure out. I respected him and said ok take a break. But again he moved on. A month later he called me saying he got job and is happy that things are working for him. But he doesn’t want to get back together with me. I still love him and want him back. I did every possible thing to make this work. But things are just falling apart. Now i am very insecure and cant trust him. He says he is guilty he did wrong to me but I cant accept the fact that he left me again. I still have some hope that he will realize my worth one day and will come back wanting me. i am going through are tough emotional turmoil since past few months. My boyfriend called off the relationship. He literally used every bit of me. I used to do everything for him. I was really good to him but he never respected that just took advantage. I gave my 100% but he lied, cheated and left me confused. I am not sure now whether I know him or no. or is he really good? Or just an as*****. Worst part it knowing all this I still want him back. I still miss him and love him. But he doesn’t care. My only fault was I was very considerate towards him and accepted him selflessly. All him friends are blaming me that I am the one who is fool. I let him do that to me. Yes agreed but is he was a gentleman why the hell did he used me like that and threw me away. Now he says he doesn’t love me. I hate this feeling. I keep analyzing things and crying about why the hell did it happen.
Hi babe, I know how you feel; you’re not alone. He doesn’t need to figure out your worth, YOU do. Anyone that would consistently treat you like this isn’t worth it. He’s no different with other girls. He’s incapable of a genuine, mutual connection. You did nothing wrong except allow him to continue to take advantage of you and your love without boundaries. Work on your boundaries and turn inward. Keep coming back here to the blog; You’re not alone. xoxo
I’m so glad you have this blog. It strengthens me in so many ways. It all started while he was having exams and I texted him I don’t feel e same anymore for he hadn’t been texting me for almost a week. Thereon, My ex went mia for 8 mths but I’ve been texting him for e last 8 mths via whatsapps. What he ever did was acknowledged my texts ie blue ticks. The only time he texted me when i asked is it over and he kept telling me he still wants me and he will be back soon. He never responded to my texts thereafter. I suspected my cousin contacted him behind my back and when I asked him he still didn’t reply and nor does she. He blocked me several times at whatsapps and I, the fool got me new no so I can text him at whatsapps till the 10th time, I snapped. I didn’t find him thereafter for 3mths till recently someone added me at a chat network and asked if he can text me at whatsapps. So I said ok and we chat at whatsapps. The ironic thing he was so all interested in my ex and asked questions. His responses were more like he was taking sides with my ex and putting the blame on me ie its my fault that my cousin get to know him etc. I said to him it seems to me he knows my ex and he said yes he is my cousin and he is beside me. He also said all those girls his cousin fucked with, he have no feelings with them. Its all emotionless fuck whereas with me he felt something. He felt love. The dude kept insisting i meet him to talk. But i felt hurt and knowing such I flipped and I insist on discontinuing the conversation. He then said he was merely joking and I was tense but I felt he had too much information on his part that made me decide to cut the conversation short. In addition i told him im not interested at all knowing he is my ex’s cousin. He said I’m crazy and kept insisting he don’t.know.my.ex. Either way, I had enough of all the mind shit. I suffered emotionally for the whole of last year and after reading your blog I was persevere to change myself and keep things going. It was painful to know my ex was seeing my cousin. It was painful to see him put up his profile pic in whatsapps with another unknown chick and he posted in his ghost of the past. I didn’t react at.all. back to the question. What do you think? Do you think the guy is telling the truth that he is not my ex’s cousin? I don’t want to be mean if the guy is telling the truth.
Hi Sharina!
I had no idea if he’s telling the truth, but it does sound ver, very strange and coincidental.xo
Thanks Natasha, at least now I know I’m NOT the crazy one here. The manipulation and the inaction, tell me about it. The sex is off the table but for he is being a shithead, he is definately OFF the table :p
🙂 xo
Does deleting them on social media drive the guy crazy that treated you badly? Dumped me twice for no reason never knowing what he wants and a few weeks later is on match.
Hi Mandy!
Thanks for reading 🙂 Yes, it can. With guys like that, it’s best to speak with your actions and do what’s best for you. You deserve so much more. xoxo
Hi Natasha, I just wanted to thank you for your posts. I just found your blog last night and wanted you to know how helpful this is. It feels like some part of my subconscious speaking directly to me. Trying to survive a breakup by yourself is so excruciating, and at some point it hurts to even talk to friends. I’m at the stage where I just start crying randomly, I know I shouldn’t be and I know I deserve and can do better but I just can’t control my emotions, it’s so hard to let go of someone you thought you knew and loved only to find out that they lack the empathy to be able to truly feel those emotions themselves. I ask myself these questions every second of the day too ‘is he thinking of me?”, “is he in as much pain as I am in?”, but at the same time I realize that they’re futile, even if he is, that doesn’t change what he did and how i was mistreated and clearly it hasn’t changed him or his mind about being with me. I still feel broken but your words really resonated with me, I thought I was in the wrong all this time. I blamed myself and my actions and put him on a pedestal when in fact the truth is, I was the one who was completely honest with how I felt throughout the whole ‘relationship’, I loved him with all my heart, and every action I took was a step to secure a future together, meanwhile not realizing that I was on that path alone. You made me realize that I have nothing to be ashamed of, I loved and invested in someone with all their flaws and accepted them like they were an extension of me and I’ll never regret that.
Serena,
You are amazing. Thank YOU so much for sharing and for the love. I’m so glad that the blog has helped. You had this awareness all along and these realizations that you’re coming to… that’s ALL you. You’re right – you have nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to blame absorb. What a beautiful soul you are. Thanks for reading! You’re never alone xoxoxox
I need advice. I was with my guy for 2+ years. I was being stalked and he “rescued” me, which, in turn, made me fall for him. He pursued me for a good while though before I ended up dating him (we were long distance and he wasn’t really my type). I was exactly what he wanted in a girl and I’d often wonder if I was settling. We were on and off for 2 years. Our “break-ups” (if you can even call them that) were brief. We’d argue, he’d get mad and block me or stop talking to me for a few days (I think the most we’ve ever gone without talking for maybe a week). I was definitely the fixer in the relationship so save for a handful of times, I always ended up contacting him to fix things. And we’d always end up getting back together.
We met almost a year ago in person and the first time we met, he met my family and proposed to me (asked my father for my hand in marriage) and wanted to marry me during that trip. My family wasn’t 100% sure and didn’t wanna rush into anything so we decided against it with plans for him to move where I live later on that year once he secured a job. Since then, we’ve traveled to one another and seen each other a few times. He just recently broke up with me again (after I just went to see him in an attempt to fix things) because he said he didn’t think we clicked well. Meanwhile, a week ago, he told me that I would make him happier than anyone and I’d make the best wife and he couldn’t wait to start our life together. I feel like he has commitment issues because he comes from a broken home. He’s not much of a talker either and shuts down when I try to point out these things.
We left things civil. He dropped me off at the airport, hugged me and since I haven’t heard from him nor have I contacted him. I’m completely heartbroken and part of me *really* wants to contact him and try to fix things (which I know I will probably convince him of) but I just think that my part in trying to convince him to be with me ended once my trip ended. I feel like the only hope we have of being together and him finally being worthy of me again would be if, for once, I didn’t go crawling back and didn’t contact him and let him actually miss me and realize on his own that he wants to be with me. But then I worry that he’s very ‘out of sight, out of mind’ and if he’s talking to other girls, would he even miss me? What should I do? I’d appreciate any help 🙁
Hi babe,
You are so aware, wise and stronger than you know. You answered your own question. You know deep down the truth. Don’t go crawling back. If it takes you consistently crawling back for someone to value you, that’s a red flag. If it were me, I would get real about his behavior and use that to motivate you to not crawl back, have your own back and be kind to you first. xoxo
Hi Natasha, I am guy and I wanted a girls point of view on my breakup, but I could find nothing but NC advice on google for men. Before you judge me on what I have to say, I want to say thank you! You’re article has gave me a better understanding on views on what women are thinking after breakup and this will hopefully guide me into saving my relationship..
I have been with my gf (now ex) for 1 year and 2 months. Honestly, the most amazing girl I ever met. She has nothing on my exes and my exes were hot. She would always want me to ask her out to be her gf in the beginning, but I always said it was too early. She really really wanted to be with me and made me feel like the world for 8 months! After 8 months, I asked her to be my GF. I never asked her out, mainly because she lived a little far, but she moved near me, for me. It was a great relationship. I admit, sometimes I was lazy around her apartment and didn’t do much, but I started to be a better boyfriend soon after.
She would always tell me that she wants a boob job, but I would tell her no. She told me she didn’t want one anymore and i got a little upset because she was telling me for months she was getting one, but then a little after i got over it. We had our fights. Most of the fights that were my fault were related to herself and there was ONLY TWO. The first time I got upset with her was because she didn’t want to have sex (which was like about a year into the relationship). She would always want to have sex in the beginning and I was the one that would tell her we’re having it too much! Now she was the one that didn’t want it. One day she started crying that I’m always giving her a hard time about the whole sex thing. I genuinely apologized and felt really bad, but you guys have to understand that the sex was barely there.
I noticed the last 3 weeks she was being a tad bit distant and getting angry more frequently. I honestly did not think much of it because she still spoke to me in a loving manner like usual. The second time I messed up was last week. She was with her family for about a week and we were just talking over text until i brought up the whole situation how she doesn’t give me blowjobs anymore. I have brought this up to her multiple time because she would always give me blow jobs in the beginning and then she stopped because she said my penis is musty or she doesn’t like the way it tastes or blah blah. Just different excuses every time i asked her, but these were the main ones. I also never ate her out which I should have because I promised to do it on New Years.
I didn’t ask her about this for a long long time until last week. I pretty much texted her saying how she lied to me. How she only did it to impress me. How my ex is better. Yeah, I’m a complete fool and an *******. I wasn’t thinking about her feelings at all. She told me to stop or she’s going to breakup with me, but I continued anyways. Then she broke up with me through text. I was blocked everywhere (not the first time).
A few days later I had to reach her through my sister because I was still blocked. I went all the way to her hometown and brought her flowers. She told my sister that she doesn’t want to see, talk, or look at me. I had no choice, but to go home and left the flowers at her doorstep. That day I left her a very sincere apology through voice mail. I messaged her on instagram saying that I left her a voice mail but she didn’t get it because I was blocked. We exchanged a few words and I told her hopefully we can remain friends. Then, I was unblocked on everything.
I texted her the next day asking if she wanted to go do something. She didn’t reply at all. She later tagged me on instagram in a post. I thought things were slowly getting better so i tagged her in a post too. Then today she posted a picture of her holding icecream and another guy was holding icecream too. All i saw was his wrist, which had a tattoo on it. I called her not too long ago and she didn’t pick up. I tried calling her again, but immediately, right after the first phone call, she blocked me. I was so confused at why she would do that.
Then I messaged her on instagram saying that I tried caliing her and I would like to talk to her. She didn’t reply, but read it. Then I messaged her a very sincere-short apology about what I did and that it wont happen again because she didn’t get the voice mails, so i thought why not. She didn’t reply, but read it again. Then she blocked me on instagram. Now, im blocked everywhere. Now, I know you guys think she is talking to another guy and I do too, but let’s think outside the box. She might have put that picture there to get my attention and it could have been a family member. Anyways, I take full responsibility for my actions and my selfishness, but I did not expect this at all. She has pretty much went COLD TURKEY ON ME. What are your thoughts? Should I have not contacted her? Did I sound desperate?
Thank you
Hi John!
Thanks for reading 🙂 The photo could very easily have been a friend or family member or yes, it could have been someone that she went out with too. None of that is wrong (to post the photo, go out with a friend, family member, date, etc.). What I find a huge red flag is the fact that there are so many games here. Yes you were selfish and messed up in a lot of what you so honestly described and yes, from what you wrote, it sounds like she’s playing games with the constant blocking and unblocking which isn’t right either. It’s exhausting. To answer your question – I don’t think you did anything wrong or were too desperate at this point. I do think that you shouldn’t contact her any longer. Turn inward, work on your own issues and let her go play games elsewhere. If she’s upset with you for everything you’ve put her through, that’s one thing and she has every right to be, but there’s no need for the games. Life is so incredibly short. xo
hi there, I hope its not to late to get a response.
this is a long story, but me and my ex have been broken up for a year. we were together for over 3.
the first year to 2 years was amazing. then, he started getting more into partying and drugs and cared a looot about what those people thought
about him. Most of our arguments centered around that. Eventually, around the two year mark, he broke up with me out of nowhere. Told me never loved me. He didn’t care what I did blah blah blah. We he’d been drug-dealing FOR FUN even though he comes from a well off family and didn’t need the money. so, he gets arrested two weeks later, and I find out he’d kissed one of my friends THEN broke up with me and proceeded to see her and another girl I didn’t like.
He found out I hooked up with someone else, and acted like he didn’t care, but when he got arrested, I came to his rescue and I went through his computer and found out he actually did care. a lot. He was whining to a friend about how I’d hooked up with someone else and broke his hurt and he needed to get high.
Anyway, also found out he’d been lying to me, his family and friends about going to school. In fact, he hadn’t been going for over 2 years. He was facing felony drugs charges. Had to go to rehab. All of that. And he begged me to stay by his side, and I did. I even took a semester off to be closer to him at one point.
All in all, a year later, he goes back into relapse mode and this time when he pulled that crap, I agreed with him. He wanted a break. I said you’ve gone too far, it’s over. I’d agreed to be engaged to him and everything. I was devastated.
Anyway, I didn’t beg and plead and when he relapsed again I wasn’t there at his rescue, and he was off probation, so he didn’t need me to stay sober I guess. He treated me the same way he did the first time we broke up. The “I never loved you” bs. Then in between his co-dependent flings with other addicts he propose marriage again and even children. After he did that and took it back, I was done. One of his gfs died from a heroine overdose and not even a month later he was with someone else. I washed my hands of him.
Since then, I hadn’t really reached to understand what happened because I lost respect for him. And since then, he’s been occasionally texting me asking for something like his old fb password? then baiting me into conversations about what I’m doing blah blah blah. All while living with his gf number 6 since we broke up last year.
The last time I talked to him he thanked me for “saving” his life. which didn’t even really feel like a compliment because where was he when I needed him? He also said something like that he wouldn’t have been able to make it through without me and that he’s a better, happier person because of it. And he’s happy with his career and relationship (number 6) Right, because almost completely shattering MY life made YOU a better person.
it just hurts, I have a feeling he’s putting on a front, but I just hate that I let him break me down like this. and even though I feel like it’s an illusion, it’s heart wrenching, that my suffering and trauma made him better. I feel like a pair of training wheels. I still suffer from the betrayal and I dont want him to profit from suffering I still suffer over. If that makes sense. Idk. its a weird place to be. Im also not a serial monogamist like he is, so I’ve only had one bf, who I broke up with, this year. its still hard not to compare.
I relate to what you wrote in a way, that I want him to “miss” me, but I don’t want him? I miss the person he used to be I guess before he unfolded and I just feel scarred and like I’ll never love again that intensely.
I have been working on myself. I gained like 50 lbs from stress eating from being with him, and in the past few weeks, I’ve lost like 10 lbs. which feels amazing. I’m back into my makeup and hair and the works, but it still doesn’t feel like enough. Like I said, maybe I’m just competing with his delusion of happiness because if he was so happy without me, why would he keep trying to bait me into conversations?
anyway, sorry if that was too much to read. I reeeeally hope to hear from you if you have a chance to reply.
Hi babe,
I understand how your feel. You need to properly mourn the death of the man you thought he was and let go of the hope that the past could have been any different. The only way out of it is by keeping your thoughts in reality and using the awful things that happened to propel you forward. You are so wise and aware. I’m proud of you for moving forward. If you need more concentrated help, I do offer 1-on-1 coaching. Keep coming back here to the blog. You’re not alone xx
that actually does sound like something I’d be interested in. I’ve read a lot of articles online. Some are overly harsh. Others promoting delusion and mind games and manipulation into getting back into the relationship, and this one really resonated with me. I want to get better and be able to love someone who is a good, loyal, loving person. The way I picture myself to be anyway lol
xoxo
Hi Natasha,
Thanks so much for helping out everybody. I found your website extremely insightful. I am wondering if you could help me out with my situation.
I am in my late twenties and my bf is 10 yrs older than me. We’ve been together for over 2 yrs. We had a good time initially but as time went by, his narcissist personality began to unfold. He picks faults and criticises me a lot. Despite that I still see potential in him and I tried hard to maintain our relationship.
The main problem of our relationship is no getting security from him. After 2 years we are not Facebook friends, he does not hold my hands in public and he has not introduced me to his family and friends. He has met my friends and family though. We had the talk and he said he’s not 100% sure I’m the one, but he doesn’t want to breakup either.
To make things worse, I recently found his active profile on an online dating site. His says on his profile that ‘he’s not into games and looking for a genuine relationship’. I kept it quiet despite heartbroken inside.
2 weeks ago he stopped saying I love you. We went into an argument over the phone. I was about to question him about his active online dating profile but the line got cut off. I called him back with no answer so I texted him my thoughts. It has been 2 weeks and he hasn’t replied or called.
Despite all that I still have deep feelings for him and can’t get him out of my mind. Do you think it’s better to call and talk things through or give him more time to make up his mind?
Hi babe,
Thank YOU so much for the love and support! I totally know how you’re feeling and I know how hard this is for you. Personally, I wouldn’t wait around or waste my time talking if I were you. I think that you deserve more than this non-mutual, disrespectful; hurtful relationship. You are worth so much more. If you need more help, I do offer 1-on-1 coaching. Keep coming back here to the blog. You’re so not alone xo
Thank you for this. I am at a loss with my husband. We are only recently married and he is already leaving the marriage. (8 months in). I am devastated, I miss him. I feel hopeless to move on. I just want to know he is missing me. When he texts it is just to know when the house will be free so he can shower and change clothes. I just don’t know if he is missing me or if we really should break up. I haven’t returned his text in 25 hours, which is a record for me, cause I am consistently telling him we can make it work. Telling him not to give up on our marriage. Am I living a fantasy? Is he missing me?
Wow, finally what I needed to hear!!!! And the funny thing is I broke up with him because he was emotionally unavailable. He hasn’t called, text or tried to find me. . Why, because the MF doesn’t have a heart!!! I want man who run after me like it’s the last bus for the night. Because that’s what I deserve. So when he does come back. Because they always do I simply don’t have to respond this his crap. Thank you Natasha!! Thank you for helping me see that
Thank YOU De! You go girl. xoxo
What I can’t grasp about myself is why It makes me so sick to think of him being with another woman. I know he eventually becomes the same man but it just hurts because I miss the person I thought he was. The thought of him sharing what we had with anyone else just angers me. He went from a homebody who did nothing to now socializing and hanging out and finding the time to do the things I wish he’d done with me.
Thank you for saying it loud and clear. It’s been over a month that he ended it it of the blue and treats me so bad now for no reason. I have continued to beg him day after day but after reading this I feel like I understand a little bit better and I need to stop. I feel like it’ll kill me just hoping I can move on. Thx again
Hi Jo,
I’m glad the post served you 🙂 Yes, speak with your actions. It’s the best thing you can ever do. I know it’s hard; you’re not alone. xo
I broke up with my ex boyfriend because I knew he was cheating on me yet I still love him. After the brake up we still talked and text every day. Then 1 day he stopped texting me and wouldn’t reply bk to my texts. Found out he went bk to his ex gf. That hurt me so bad bc he told me he wanted nothing to do with her. So he cut me off but he does call me private he called me 23 times one night. I wouldn’t answer bc i knew it was him. Then I finally answer the last call but he didn’t say anything it’s like he just wanted to hear my voice. I haven’t heard nothing from him since then. He didn’t block me off social media and it’s been a week since I heard his voice..His ex gf saying they about to get married so I’m very hurt behind all of this I don’t know which way to go. But I do not contact him my pride want let me do that but I’m missing him im wondering do he think about me do he feel bad for hurting me like this? Why?
Hi Monica!
The fact that you’re missing someone that has cheated on you is a big read flag that you need to work on your self esteem and boundaries. I would cut any and all communication with him off xoxo
My mind cannot stop thinking of if he feels as horrible as I feel. Now he’s getting to know another girl and I can’t stop thinking about if I’m even on his mind or not and if he’s happy with her and not thinking about me. I’m so lost.
Omg thank you girl! This is exactly what I needed I just broke up a week ago today with my ex of 6 years who was completely emotionally unavailable! This makes absolute sense! I thought I was alone and worthless because he didn’t reach out to me! Yet I’m not! It has nothing to do with my worth and everything to do with him not being emotionally available!!!!!!!!!!! I really love you for s post I don’t know you but I am so thankful you were here to talk some sense into me!!!!!! You made it all crystal clear!!!
Exactly! You get it 🙂 Thanks Sadie! xoxo
Hi,
I am really sorry about this but I have fallen on to your blog and it has some seriously good advice and I am in need of some of it!
Back in August 2015, I caught my boyfriend emotionally cheating on me…so texting other girls, suggesting he was going to physically cheat on me. Asking other girls out, denying he was in a relationship and some serious inappropriate flirty behavior with another. We had a huge fight, didn’t speak for days after but then when we met up we decided to give it another go as it wasn’t physical cheating just words.
We are so good when we are together. He is my best friend and he just makes me happy when I am with him. But when we aren’t together we are each others enemies…we row all the time. See my boyfriend works nights & I work during the day so we only get to see each other on a Friday & Saturday. Now when he chooses to work overtime or to go out with his friends instead of seeing me I get blunt and rude towards him but then when I chose to go out with friends instead of seeing him he gets rude towards me and so on…it’s a vicious cycle that never seems to stop.
Anyway, we haven’t seen each other for weeks so the arguing has got seriously out of control. To the point I told him enough is enough I can’t deal with him anymore it’s over (he knows & I know that it wasn’t true what I said. It was just out of anger)…this all happened Saturday.
You know that thing called your gut and you just know something isn’t right so you start snooping? Yea, I did that and turns out this girl (one of the girls I caught him messaging in August) has reappeared. Instead of going directly to him I cut the middle man out and went directly to her….she told me stuff that I didn’t want to hear and seriously broke my heart AGAIN!! He has been messaging her again asking to take her out and that we aren’t together (but this all occurred when we were very much together).
Being the hot headed person I am I went straight to him all guns blazing screaming down the phone to him I hung up and left him to stew…and it seemed to have done something cause I received 27 calls & 49 messages. The messages varied from this is your fault to please don’t leave me I want you. He even wrote me a love letter, which I then later found on google as a copy & paste job. Once I had calmed down and he rung for the god know what’s time…I answered and he said he wanted to sort things out and he wants to be with me!
We have a holiday in 2 weeks time…so in my brain I’m thinking we are going to have to be at least civil with each other! I searched the internet for things to do when your boyfriend cheats on you and we come up with a plan…at this current time we are on the no contact period and we are due to speak this Saturday. But, I think my paranoia is getting the best of me. If I don’t contact him is he going to be messaging other girls? Will this no contact period give him a chance to reflect on what he has done? I mean this period is meant to be the period I am reflecting on, can I trust him again? Do I want to be with him? Will he hurt me again? But I don’t know if I can truly forgive him the second time round.
I am more worried that once we go away he is going to charm me into the thinking he is a changed person that he regrets every little thing he has done and wants to be with me…then I will be home with a smile on my face and family that think I am making the wrong choice again, putting me down!
How do you know you can truly forgive someone? How do you stay strong with the decision you can’t forgive him? Am I being the dramatic one, it was only a text? I need some advice on this situation!
Hi Sophie,
Thank you! <3 I'm so sorry but there are so many questions here and I can't respond to all. I would remain in no contact for now and characterize him by his actions (& how well they match his words). xo
Thanks for this blog Natasha!! Also thanks for everyone posting their stories.. It’s been 4 months since my break-up.. I haven’t had contact in 3 months and have checked his fb in a week.. I definitely have my bad days.. I have the what if’s and why’s.. I never got closure.. I hope things start looking up soon.. I thought I was the only one that held on this long.. Thanks again for this blog
I literally just bawled the entire time reading this. I honestly dont even know how I came across this.I typed in the question “does he think about me ” ? I cant thank you enough for writing this.Its a hard thing to face the reality of this question. Its really internally within ourselves.How did we allow ourselves to get to this point? Thoughts of him consume my mind daily, I still feel his touch,find myself saying or doing things as he would. Knowing that he is the worst person for yme yet allowing myself to be so vulnerable to him. Everything from the drunk phone calls after disappearing to the lack of respect for me and our elationship,this has hit me like a ton of bricks.I will definitely be reading this over and again and pray it sticks. Thank you
Thank you Cruella! I’m so glad that this post served you <3 Read the other posts too, they will help XOXO
Dear Natasha,
Your article gave me a clear view here! I completely lost myself in a 5 year relationship that stranded last summer. (weightgain, not myself, insecure, you name it) Towards the end of the relationship he distant himself from me. It was his first real relationship & he couldn’t handle it. Now, a couple of months later, he’s engaged .. Crushed my heart. I gave him my love, my loyalty, I did everything for him. He told me that he didn’t want to get married or have kids & look now. He wants me to leave him alone & told his colleague that we are on good terms. No we are NOT. I can understand he fell out of love with me, but engaged? It hasn’t been a year. Loved ones want me to get over it. It hurts their hearts to see me this broken, but my stomach is in a knot, i can’t keep them (yes them) out of my head & I feel extremely lonely .. I have no clue what to do anymore. I lost faith in love ..
Thanks So much for this post. I just had my first real heart break and I’ve ban asking those questions does he care at all that he hurt me? We wore not dating we wore just friends and I kind of got mad at him because he broke my heart and started dating someone else. I know deep down he’s not ever going to try to call, text, message, or email me but I can’t help but hope he will just to say I’m sorry and I won’t to say friends. You just helped me to start moving on. I need to read this everyday until it seeks in.
Thanks Heather xoxo
I just got broke up with the weekend we were to celebrate our 1 year anniversary. The day before was so perfect and then out of nowhere bam like a ton of bricks. Perhaps that isn’t true. Somewhere I seen the changes I know that he was pulling away but at the same time he kept up the love story. Made future plans treated me insanely good when we were together. It is by far the most confusing and devastating heart break. This article however has granted me a chance to find closure that he will never give me. I am forever greatful. Even though it still hurts I now feel awakened. Understood and even heard and my feelings validated. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.
Thank YOU Jessica <3 Thank you for sharing and thank you for reading. That means so much to me. Keep coming back here to the blog and just focus on you and your healing. You're not alone XOXO
Hello Natasha,
Your blog is great. I loved reading it,it just made me feel like I am not alone in this mess of today’s dating experience/breakups ….
I was dating a guy,it’s been a while now,but. .. he wasn’t ready for serious relationship.I wasn’t either but as time was flying by we fell in love and he said that he loved me… I didn’t respond right away,I just kissed him. After that we eventually said it to each other and we’re dating that whole year. We also worked together. I know… bad deal right? Lol
Eventually HE broke up with me. It was devastating. Next few years we were going back and forth and he was dating many girls,a lot of thingsteps I didn’t even know,I was just stuck on the fact that we really had a good connection,chemistry everything…. he also started hanging out with girls and other people from work,stuck up and mean people in my opinion. And few other friends of mine would agree on this as well…However,I noticed that he started resenting new more and more… we had bad fights but still somehow we would end up talking and moving passed all that. (Or so I thought) anyway one day i hear that he is dating someone new,from OUR work. I was devastated ..again…. the reason why is because he was with me that weekend and didn’t tell me anyth I ng and I asked what’s going on with him,is there someone in his life and he said no. Jerk…I know….so we had another huge fight and I we got in serious trouble at work. I stopped communicating with him,but as always he would call me out of nowhere. ..and he did that again. He broke up with that girl and after that he would see me for 5 months to just decide to never speak to me again.
Recently I learned that he is in love with her,they broke up and got back together and that he is serious with her. People are saying how they think he will propose to her….
I am super sad about this,… everything I tryed to do with him to fix things..he is doing it with her… oh I forgot to mention that he was with both of us and few other girls at the same time! I called him out on it that’s when he said that he dosent want to talk to anymore….
I don’t know why am I sad about losing this guy… but I am. It’s hurts me to hear that he is getting ready to marry her.
Hi,
This article is so legit and is something I needed to read especially right now. I have always been seeking validation from any of my friends asking them if he misses me if he will regret his actions and everything any girl would question after having their heart broken.
We broke up in November, so it has been some time. We had an incredible relationship and broke up because of long distance. I never reached out to him since the breakup. However, he has reached out to me multiple times. Whether it is a “like”, a snap chat, a text message, phone call or a facetime of him professing his feelings for me and how much he misses me. It only happens a couple of times a month, but it makes it hard for me. My biggest regret is answering them. I was allowing him to stay in my life and mess with my emotions. His behavior was so unpredictable and confusing that I found myself wondering and questioning his motives too much. We have had some good talks since the breakup but my heart was broken again just a few days ago because we decided for me to see him for a weekend since we missed each other and wanted to catch up. We then realized that it wasn’t the best idea, and I waited for him to give me a call so we could have a mature conversation about it over the phone. Instead, he never called and sent me a short text saying “I think its best for you not to come.” I was hurt, angry and frustrated and sent some immature texts and called him crying. However, I sent a very well written mature, last respectful message to him so I could feel like I didn’t look too crazy lol and I needed to do it to have closure. I stated in the text, “However; I don’t think receiving tearful FaceTime calls like back in February or flirtatious texts from you professing your feelings for me is fair, and that needs to stop. I understand that this situation is hard for you also but please respect my space as well.” (the overall text was a lot longer). Do you think he will reach out to me again after this comment? For the last like 8 years, we have never gone over 3 months without talking. Not that it matters and im sure that you will say to move on, and I should be moving on, but I will be very curious because I would like to have that moment of not responding and making him realize I am a strong woman that will not always be available for him.
The bottom line is that if he wants me back in his life at some point in the future when the time is right, hes going to have to fight for me and work for it.
I was just dumped a week ago in a text message. I was with a guy whom I thought was wonderful. He has two kids, I have two kids and they were close in age. After a couple months we got our children and ourselves together. Everything seemed great. Just a few weeks ago my guy and I went out and he got a little drunk and told me he loved me. I didn’t say anything back til a week later. When I finally told him I loved him he said that he runs from relationships when someone falls in love with him and he’s not ready to fall in love but is very happy with me. He was also always telling me no woman has ever done the things I have done for him, how much he appreciates me and how happy I make him. He assured me that he wanted to be with me. The next week he spent every night with me and the last night brought his children over for dinner with my children. We laughed,joked around, kissed and said goodnight. The next night he sent me a text saying the relationship isn’t going anywhere and doesn’t want to waste my time. I haven’t heard from him since.
Thank you so much Natasha for the blog – it really has saved me today. I am female and married to a wonderful woman of nearly 10 years. I had an intense affair with a woman who is also married to a man but they are living separated because she told him that she was gay. The affair started in November of 2015 and just ended recently. I know please people dont judge me… Anyway, the affair was extremely intense and although it was long distance we did spend time together physically. I honestly fell for this woman hard and was going to leave my wife for her. Unfortunately (or fortunately) this woman has difficulty allowing or accepting love. She had a very traumatic life so she does not let people in emotionally. At the start of the “relationship” she told me how she had never let anyone in like she had me, and how much she was in love with me etc. etc. but she would always treat me bad as in call me when she wanted to call me or when she did just say mean things. I would take it because she would then turn around and say how she knew I loved her because most people just walked away, but I would stay. This woman is also very attractive and she has a lot of Facebook followers who do nothing but tell her how gorgeous she is. I guess I also got caught up in the fact that she chose me out of all of the women. Fast forward to March – she said that she needed to find herself and sort her life out and that she loved me but could not be in a relationship with me because I wanted a future with her. She said she was not leaving her husband because of financial reasons and that she did not want a relationship where she had to answer to anyone. This was very different to the start where she wanted a house together, commitment ceremony etc. As we time went on she was becoming more distant and then she wanted me to be friends with benefits. I agreed at first for like a day and then I told her that I could not be that… I started negotiating my role in her life. Because I said no to that she said then we should just be friends while she worked herself out and if we happened in the future then we happened. This became so frustrating to me because I needed answers. I had told me wife of the affair (which upset my affair partner) and I was confused as to what I wanted. My wife is so supportive and wants to make us work. Anyway, last week (friday) I told my affair partner that it was over and I cut off talking with her. We are still Facebook friends and so yes I cyber stalk her as she does me. Yesterday for the first time I posted a shout out to my wife for supporting me as well as a photo of us at dinner. This set my affair partner off and she posted on her page something about a person in her life being a regret and a liar and that she dodged a bullet and other things. I do not understand her response as she did not want me. She dumped me and yet she says that. I so want to message her today to remind her of that but I do not know if I should. She is also out partying this weekend at the Dinah Shore in Palm Springs, so I am sure she will post so many photos of her and other women. Oh and she has been posting photos of her out drinking and partying with people so why did my one photo set her off. I am so confused… does she still care about me? I think maybe she thought I would be there for her once she sorted herself out.. I just really need strength and words of wisdom here. I do love her still but I know she is not good for me. My wife is good for me and loves me unconditionally (please note we are in marriage counselling). So I am working on me and us… but I still have feelings for this woman… PLEASE HELP
Hi Helen! Thanks so much for the love 🙂 I wish I could give you a more detailed response because I have a lot to say, but in short – definitely do not reach out to her. She does not care about you nearly as much as she cares about herself, her agenda, her image and being in control. You have more power than you think (or feel like) in this dynamic and you are fortunately with, what sounds like an amazing wife. The only reason that you still have feelings for the other woman is because of the whole “chosen” aspect and because of your own issues and need for validation. This relationsh*t is hard for you to get over because it at some point provided for you what you are unable to provide for yourself. I’ve been there and you aren’t alone. Hope that helps. Also, read this if you haven’t already XO
https://postmalesyndrome.com/when-your-need-to-feel-chosen-takes-over/
Great article! Thank you!
🙂 xoxo
Hi Natasha,
I just want to let you know that this helped me… A LOT. I don’t normally leave comments on the internet but this time, I just had to. You see, it’s just been 3 weeks since I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years. I found out he cheated on me last year and the years before that with multiple girls and I ended things the moment I found out. He dated his ex-girlfriend who went before me a couple of times last year and the year before that and he admitted they almost had sex but they didn’t. He also kept in contact with 2 more of his exes last year. Nobody really expected this from him because he seemed like such a nice guy. Everyone was rooting for us. Everyone would also say that they wanted the relationship we had… we were #RelationshipGoals! I cut off all contact with him since I ended things but I admit that never a day goes by that I didn’t think about him. Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did? Does he still love me? Because according to my source who told me he cheated on me, he’s been loyal to me the past few months, he was trying his best to change and that he was really looking forward to our future together. According to my source, he dated just one girl and the others were just all flirtatious conversations.
I know that some people would say that “Hey! If he’s been loyal to you recently, then he’s changing for the better. Maybe you should stay together and fix things?” He may have been doing his best to focus on our relationship but I just couldn’t let all the lies pass without me doing something about it. I haven’t heard from him since. He hasn’t heard from me since. Can I ask for your advice? Because while this post has been very helpful, I feel like I could use a little more help.
I really don’t know what to do. If he asks for another shot, do I give it to him? Because during the 6 years we were together, he treated me like a queen. He never made me feel like I wasn’t worth it. He always made me feel like I was the most important person to him. My family loved him and so did my friends. Everyone loved him. But he cheated and caught everyone by surprise. He said he did it because he was “unhappy at times” during our relationship and that he wanted attention. He said there was something wrong with his ego and that he didn’t know how to fix it. We’ve had our fair share of fights and during one of our biggest fights was when he dated his ex last year. He admitted to touching her and her touching him but he said they didn’t continue. This caused the other girl to block him everywhere too. There is a tiny voice in my head telling me that, “Hey! He chose you over her because they didn’t do it. Because he ended things with her. And the other girls too.” But I just block that voice out. It’s hard though. Sometimes I think, “What if I help him through this? What if he really is lost and needs my guidance and support?” He doesn’t have anyone now except for his parents and siblings. His friends are mad at him. Even his best friend is mad at him. What if I continue to love him and guide him through this? What if I help him get better? It bothers me. I know I probably shouldn’t be thinking this but I just can’t help it.
He hasn’t been in contact though. I asked him to never get in touch with me again. He knows how I am. I’ve always been considered as strong by most people who know me. He knows that when I say something, I mean it… except this time. I’m not sure if I do. I kind of want to say more but I’m not really a fan of sharing personal stuff on the world wide web. This is the first time I opened up on the internet. This post just struck me hard.
Do you have any advice for me?
Hope to hear from you!
Thanks so much and keep on inspiring people!
P.S. Sorry if my thoughts are scattered. I’m still in a daze.
Hi babe thank you so much for the love and for reading! There are a lot of questions that you asked and that I have as well. Unfortunately, I cannot give extensive advice on this platform. Based solely upon what you wrote, I would not get back together with him. I wish I could elaborate; thanks for understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog and if you’re interested in one-on-one coaching, I do offer that option xoxo. All my love to you.
Thank you for this. I’m on day 13 of no contact with my EUM. It has been four years of him coming and going…reappearing then disappearing. This time when he came back last fall after blocking me, he stuck around and in January he told me he wanted to settle down with me and start a family. Since I had anxiety issues from his repeated disappearances and from comments he would make that seemed contradictory to having a life together, he broke up with me and cut me off three weeks ago. I tried for a week to contact him but he told me our personalities clash and I’m a mean and nasty bully. As if he didn’t know my personality from the past four years. However, even though I explained my feelings and asked for another chance he refused. Even though I gave him so many. Once again I am heartbroken. And friends and family are drained from the cycle. He says he will never be back (yes he’s said that many times) but I can only hope that if he ever does come back I too am strong enough to not answer. Thanks for giving us a place to go and a place to express our feelings.
Thank YOU beautiful, for allowing me to see that I was never alone in my experiences and pain. xxxxxxx
This meant EVERYTHING to me and it was 100% was meant for me to read, that I found myself reading it over again. If I have to treat this as a bible everyday, so be it because it spoke to me on so many levels. I appreciate reading this. We live such a fortunate life with limited time, and worrying about someone that doesn’t deserve our time as we do theirs is s complete and utter waste of a beatiful life. I will take this advice and run with it fast. Thanks so much
Tess
Yes! Tess, your comment meant EVERYTHING 🙂 Thanks for the love! xoxo
Hello Natasha – thank you so much for your response and the additional information you provided on being chosen. You really know your stuff!!
It is now April 11 and I am no longer talking to my old affair partner. In fact it looks like she has moved on to a new victim. She is still married but a few of her posts on FB have suggested that she and her husband will stay together financially but able to have an open relationship. She has posted many things talking about her new special friend and dedicating songs to her which is exactly the MO she used on me. I am slowly limiting my viewing of her page and will now just not go there because it just opens up old wounds. I am incredibly hurt that she has moved on so quickly. It makes me feel even more used than I had before because she has not even let the dust settle. I mean the songs that she is dedicating are about never feeling this way before and I cant be with you etc. Oh and also forgot to mention that I posted a couple of photos of my wife a little while ago and she posted comments or saying about “regrets” and someone “not being worth it” and “dodged a bullet” etc. That was also very hurtful because I knew she was referring to me and this whole time I never said anything bad about her. Anyway, I am working on my marriage but it is still very hard because of the intense feelings I had for this other woman are not easy to let go of and it does hurt me that she is with someone else now in the same way she was with me just a month ago. Thank you for listening!! XXXXXX
Thank you for this reality check, I really needed to hear it….
So glad it helped! xoxo
This I s exactly what I needed. This is one of the best articles I have ever read in the genre of break up advice. You are real and grounded and its time to get your shit together and keep it moving. Thanks for the smelling salts.
Thank you so much Linda 🙂 xo
I dated this guy for about 2.5 months and the beginning seemed so perfect. A month in I was going thru family issues and stayed with him for quite some time. We were with each other every single day. I felt that I owed it to him for making sure I had a place to stay considering I did not want to go home. I did EVERYTHING for this guy because I felt he deserved it. I did his laundry, cleaned his room, made the bed every morning…I even bought groceries once. I began to develop trust issues when one day he claimed my clothes ended up in his laundry (that he did) and when he pulled the clothes out, they were not mine. I ignored him for the day and he chased me. Before you knew it, I ran back to him. Everyday after that, my heart broke even more. I kept finding things that confirmed he was messing with other women and I would beat myself up about it wondering what I did wrong but I would ignore the red flags and go back to him. He started treating me different and I could sense that he became irritated with my presence. It hurt me so bad everyday but I would just keep a smile on my face to make sure to not ruin his day. Just this past week, I found a birthday cake on top of the birthday cake I surprised him with in the fridge. I snooped and found a birthday card in his room. The birthday card was over the top inappropriate to be from just a “friend” and we argued about it. He took me home and we didn’t speak the rest of the day. I did call and did text him but got no response until the following evening. We exchanged 2 messages and have not talked since. I’m so hurt because it’s a routine that I got so used to and I feel I gave it my all and he just shitted on me…
Natasha how can I overcome this and will I ever get any closure? Will he ever let me know why exactly he just strayed away?
I recently broke up with this guy I met online (I think we broke up because I haven’t heard anything from him after our conversation).We were dating for 5 months at the beginning he wasn’t a 100% of me and I understand it because we were still new but I asked him on text (because he was working night shift) how he felt about me now after we were dating 5 months and he ignored me and just asked other questions about what I am up to …I didn’t reply I gave him 24hr to answer and he just ignored the question he said he was to tired to answer and he didn’t want his reply about he felt about me get misunderstood I knew then he is going to come with this lame answer about he isn’t sure yet and it’s still early to tell if he can see a future with me and that was the breaking point for me it felt like my world was crushing down on me because I tried everything to make this work he met my family and I really thought he was the one and it now been 3 weeks and the only thing I have heard of him was ‘how’s the storm your side’ I didn’t even got a hello how are you….I now realised he was wrong for me he never called only text he never wanted to tell his family about me or hold my hand in public..I really feel so stupid and I can’t get it out my head about how he treated me and I really did wish things worked out ? This blog is really helping me to get over him and not to make contact with him.
Blimey, why are there so many jerks out there! We put our trust in these guys, that we thought were ok, but in time their lack of actions tells us all. I’ve been there and its not pretty. I put my trust in an old school friend online but he proved to be a jerk. Saying stuff that he doesn’t mean. Making empty promises. Not once saying sorry after I called him out on it. I gave him chances, too many. Then I decided I had enough, I wasn’t being treated right. It was time to move on, told him that and so I moved on. I had no response from him whatsoever. Online, he hardly asked me anything, even though we were old school friends, I was the one asking. He would just banter with stupid nonsense. Realized he turned out to be a jerk, shame but he had his chances. For everyone out there going through this crap, don’t put up with their nonsense, we deserve to be treated right. For your own sake, move on like I had to. Yes I was left feeling sad, disappointed but I’m not going to let anyone treat me like crap. Don’t be the fallback girl, don’t think he will change, cos he won’t. If he wants to make time for you, he will, end of. If you experience broken promises like me, walk away, he’s a jerk not a real man. Be strong, think of you, your special. Don’t let stupid twats be in your life, its not worth it. We deserve so much more.
My husband of 16 years recently left my toddler son and I. He walked out the door not being able to look either of us in the eye. This happen 4 months ago. He had been having an affair with an ex high school girl friend for a year and moved out of state to be with her. As he left he kissed me on the forehead and said I love you I will always love and care about you I’m just not in love with you anymore. I spent a long time and admitting I still wonder at times does he think of me, us my son and I, does he regret or will he ever. I didn’t even know we were having issues. The night before I caught it he told me how much he loved and was in love with me and couldn’t wait for the new year and our future plans together.
I now look back and wonder how the hell I was so blind he had been planning for months to leave us. I just caught it before the plan was in place. It was always about him and having a child the attention wasn’t all on him. Their wasn’t anymore going out as often etc. I thought my world, life had ended. How after so long could he just walk out like we were nothing. We don’t hear from him and I would be surprised if he ever tries to see his son again. That at this point is what breaks my heart. Watching and hearing what he is doing to him. In time we will both be completely healed and life will be so moved on we will forget him just like he has us. I do however hope that when the day comes that this all blows up in his face and the affair ends etc. that he hurts a little bit like he has us. That one day he looks back and sees how successful his boys are and realized he had no part in that. And regrets missing out.
Natasha,
I am sure you are young, as are probably all of the women who posted on here, but I have to tell you , Ladies. It happens to us “old gals” as well and it hurts just as bad, perhaps even more because we “should know better.” The major difference between you and I is that you are still young, strong, full of confidence and have your whole lives ahead of you. Not so much with me. But your blog, while hurting me immensely, made me open my eyes to the truth. Now if I could just move on.
I should mention that I am almost 59 years old. I am a professor. I own my own home. I am very petite and am well groomed and dress nicely all the time. I take care of myself and have been told that I am very attractive and exude confidence. Not really how I feel.
You see, I was married for 25 years. It was a wonderful marriage, but something was missing. It ended 10 years ago. His choice. He remarried 3 months later. About a year after the divorce I got involved in a live-relationship with a man 13 years younger. The relationship lasted for 3 years, but it was doomed from the beginning. We parted friends and he is happily involved elsewhere. That was almost 6 years ago.
Over the past 5 years I have attempted the online dating thing off and on, but it never led anywhere. I just didn’t “feel it” with any of the men I met and did not accept further dates.
In the fall of 2012, I reconnected with a guy I went to high school on Facebook. We did not run in the same crowds but we have a lot of mutual friends. He is a widower. His wife died of cancer in 2005. (Don’t go feeling all sorry for him. He is not a “deep” caring person and is very callous about his wife’s passing) We began chatting and then he invited me to dinner with a mutual friend who was in town for the weekend. I went and had a great time. This began the development of a friendship wherein we spent a lot of time together and always had a great time. He is very intelligent and open-minded and we enjoyed many intellectual conversations.
This went on for about year and I started developing deeper feelings for him. He comes across as extremely arrogant and boastful; better than everyone else. He is not a nice person to his friends, his employees, his son or anyone for that matter, though he was never directly nasty to me. But I thought I could see beyond this rough exterior to a scared little boy inside. I could see kindness and gentleness in him that he does not let others see. And that is what I fell in love with.
One night I asked he thought there could be anything more than friends between us. He said we could try it. We went out on one official date in September of 2013 and then disappeared for 5 months. He would not return my calls, respond to emails, texts, messages. Nothing. I was very hurt but eventually picked up the pieces and went on.
In February of 2014, he posted a tribute to his deceased wife (very benign) and I messaged him to see if he was okay. He responded that he was fine and asked me to dinner. So began our friendship again. This went on through the spring, summer, and into the fall. We spent a lot of time together doing all sorts of fun things. I was head over heels in love with him by this point, but I did not tell him. In the fall, I noticed a subtle change in his attitude toward me. He was coming closer. But I did not act on it any way. Right after the holidays in January of 2015, he brought me home one night and kissed me for the first time. He asked me if I wanted to make it “official” – we were dating. Of course, I said “yes.”
The next month was heaven on earth! We saw each other 3 or 4 times a week and so enjoyed being together. I should mention that there was no sex involved. We tried, but evidently he has ED. After about a month, I started noticing him withdrawing. We weren’t seeing each other as often and when we were, he was distant. Then two weeks went by and I didn’t see him at all. Telephone and text messaging was very infrequent. I finally texted him and asked him if we were still dating. He texted me back, “unfortunately, no”. That was it!
I tried calling him, emailing him, texting him, I even wrote him a letter and went by his house (perhaps I was chasing him) just trying to find out what happened. No response at all. Nothing. This went on for about 3 months. Then I stopped. Again, I was left completely heartbroken.
Then about 2 weeks later (May 2015), he texted me something benign. Nothing about us. But it was enough for me. We texted back and forth for the next 3 months. Always light banter. Nothing of substance. Then in August of 2015, I texted him and told he needed to cook for me. He loves to cook. (Remember, I haven’t seen him for 5 months again). Surprisingly he said yes. So I went to his house for dinner and we had a really nice time. Finally, after dinner, I asked, “So…..what happened?” He said, “Pressure.” That was it. Nothing more. I said, “Ok” and nothing more was ever said of it again.
So, we resumed our friendship in August of 2015, spending a lot of time together. Then on October 18, 2015, he invited me over for dinner. There were candles lit and soft music playing. We had a lovely dinner and then he told me loved me. He told me he had wanted to love me for 2 years and that I had not “worn him down” he had finally “opened his eyes.”
The past six months have been absolutely incredible. We have had so much fun together and I had no doubt that he loved me. While neither of us is concerned about getting married again (been there, done that), I honestly thought we would be together until “death us do part.” After six months, the relationship was still not complete. I was giving 100% and more, but he was only giving maybe 80%. I made excuses for it and just waited patiently. Giving him time to work into it his way. By the way……..still no sex.
Then, last Wednesday, April 13, he brought me home, kissed me, told me he loved me and I have not seen or heard from him since. I attempted to call him and text him several times, but he has done it again. Just disappeared.
My emotionally unavailable f**tard. I don’t think I have ever been as devastated as I am now.
So, I’m not looking for any answers here because there are none. I just wanted to share my story to let you know that it doesn’t just happen to young women. It happens to all of us.
Debbie
Debbie,
Thanks for reading. I’m lucky enough to connect every day with men and women; the oldest woman that I’ve had the pleasure of working with and helping was dating at 72 years old and needed help. Pain is pain, heartbreak is heartbreak and unfortunately it doesn’t discriminate against age, gender, orientation, etc. I value and appreciate you sharing your story Debbie. xo
Your article about “does he miss me” really helped me through my current break up. I dated this guy shortly after getting out of a five year relationship. I let him use my car when he didn’t have one and bought him so many gifts and kept him fed. For months it was blissful until his anger issue came into play. He a couple of times even shoved me and hit me once. After forgiving him and continued to help him achieve his goals it got worse. He finally got his own car (with his parents help) and made it into this local well known band being a guitarist. I got evicted and he even got me pregnant and I paid for my own abortion without his help or him even coming to the clinic with me. Did I mention he already has a two year old he hardly sees and barely pays his child support? He broke up with me out of no where and I feel used and broken cause I feel he brainwashed me into thinking he loved me. All the while, constantly checking my phone after two weeks. I blocked his number and Facebook and been keeping myself busy with work and friends. Although I wish he would call me and ask for me back, I’m also scared he won’t cause he never cared at all. I’m constantly battling whether or not he even cares or will even reach out to me and I feel emotionally battered cause I still love him. I know the abortion has a lot to do with it because I feel more connected then he does. So basically what I’m saying is that despite being tossed aside and even hoping for a call, I’m proud that I have him blocked and reading your article has given me the hope that I can move on. So thank you for writing it and I subscribed because it helped me so much. Thank you again!
Thanks A! 🙂 xoxo
I was with my big for 1 year we would talk everyday see each other every other weekend and sometimes during the week things started changing and he told me it would take him a year in a half to 2 years before we could consider living together or even closer(we live 45 mins away from each other) He would go out of town and barely call but I never questioned because he was in motorcycle club and I have him time with his friends. Two weeks ago he came to me telling me that someone died in another motorcycle club and him and his biker brothers were going to attend the funeral. I asked him who the guy was but he couldn’t answer. He called me from another place and basically told on himself he texted me but wouldn’t respond to my calls nor text messages. So I knew he was lying….I went to his place that Sunday when he was suppose to return and he was returning not from the funeral that he lied about but a trip with some women he had been seeing for a couple of months…..This women told me everything he cursed at me and wouldn’t say anything like I did something wrong. I sent him a message wishing him the best and I that I was happy he found someone that he was having fun with. The sad part and question I have is he hasn’t apologized to me nor has he even acted as if he cared for me he didn’t even respond to me message to him. It hurts so much it took me years to get into another relationship and trust again and I get treated like dirt as if he didn’t love me. How do I feel better? I want to contact him go to his house to let him know how I feel. Because when I caught him I didn’t get mad I didn’t yell o just told him I’m done and left. But my heart still wonders why this man that said he loves me didn’t even come after me. I’m so very hurt.
My boyfriend and I were together for 3 years and 9 months. We officially broke up about a month ago. We lived together for the entire time we dated. We dated while we were in college (he went to Albright and I went to Lock Haven). Yes, 3 hours away from each other. I could get into the beginning of our relationship but that would take a very long time. I’m going to fast forward to the last 8 months of our relationship. I’m not sure what went wrong. He started acting different. When I say different. I mean he would be going out all the time…drinking every single day. He stopped working out and got very depressed.
One day I went through his IPad and found text messages from an older woman (late 40s) and a girl that bartenders at PJ’s. He was sexually texting these women. Once I found out about the texts I flipped out. I was completely heart broken. My dumb-ass stayed with him and thought that he would change. It got worse form there. His jealousy was horrible and on top of that he was very controlling. He hated when I went out with my girlfriends. He would tell me how to dress. But it was okay for him to go out and get completely hammered. I finally ended the relationship when I found out that he was all over girls when he would go to the bars. He would be touching them and acting like he didn’t have a girlfriend. I was fed up with all the bullshit.
Once I broke up with him he was okay with it. He didn’t try to beg for me back. He said, “okay I want to focus on my career and self.” Long story short he moved to Allentown for his job. He’s a medical sales rep. He makes a good amount of money. Before he was working 4 different jobs. I think the money got to his head. He thought he was better than all of his friends.
I’m very hurt right now. I don’t understand how someone can say the “love you” one minute and then the next move away. It seemed like he was happy to go out and be single. The funny thing is that all of his friends love me and think I’m a lot of fun. Everyone keeps telling me that he won’t find someone as pretty and fun as me. Ever since the breakup he’s been very mean and nasty. He told me that he “loved me” and that I shouldn’t contact his family. I’m annoying and I should leave him alone. He was never mean like this to me before.
He even told his mom that I was the one. He would also tell me all the time that he was going to marry me. The thing that hurts me the most is that he told me that sex was the only thing keeping us together for the last 8 months of our relationship. Now I find out that he’s on tinder. I haven’t talked to him for 17 days. I just wish I could understand his actions and the want to be single all of a sudden. We were a team and it just fell apart.
Could you please help me out?
Hi Regan!
https://postmalesyndrome.com/coaching/
XOXO
Natasha: I am going to read this EVERYDAY!!!! What scares me are the comments from so many women! If there are this many comments, there are that many men out there that suffer from this horrible syndrome (It is a syndrome). Its very scarey – will the next one be the same? How do we know?
I am post breakup from an “on again off again” relationship for the past 3.5 years. He ALWAYS comes back … EVERYTIME – I cut him off completely every time, but he always finds a way to manipulate his way back … and yes, I take him back as if nothing ever happened. That is the problem NOTHING EVER HAPPENED – NO CHANGE! . In order for a NEW relationship to work …the old one has to be GONE! We never started new! He did change the day (and I mean THE DAY) his beautiful granddaughter was born. We had 9 months of truly glory. Then suddenly the anger, verbal abuse and distance surfaced all over again.
After reading your post… there will not be a next time! If he should pull in my driveway – appear at my work – I will enlighten him on what I have read here. I may even email it to him. Accordingly to him – “I don’t know why I come back” He has an exwife that cheated on him … asked him for a divorce and LEFT. It devastated him – horribly! They since are on speaking terms, where she confessed her mistake in letting him go. Guess what happened??? The slept together the 4th month into our relationship. He left then BEGGED for me back! I stuck it out this long. All the while lending her his car, going to dinner at his house (without me) for birthday parties, holiday etc… He caters to her. Needless to say I feel it’s a love triangle!!! I was force to do things with his entire family WITH HIS EX in the same room with me!!!!
I won’t go on and on (there is so much) … I just wanted to thank you for what I just read! It made my decision, my choice and mistakes so much clearer!
Best of luck to all you out there! WE HAVE A CHOICE. We deserve a man that will move the earth for us! PERIOD
XOXO
hi natasha, thank you so much! i read this with a relief, this is what i’ve been looking for. it been 3 weeks i broke up with my ex boyfriend. before we started relationship, i warned him about the way i love, i dont trust someone easily that made me not easy to fall in love, but once i do, i love them hard. when i get hurted i will lock my self forever. truth to be told our relationship was fine when we were close and together, i was his first girlfriend, and he found me i such a loyal and sweet person with so much to give, without even he realized i started gave him more than he expect. it was so perfect but not until i moved back to my country and we became long distance. it was difficult for us, i always tried us to bring our relationship to kept alive, but seems i was the only one who work on us. i know it wasn’t all his fault because i became insecure and clingy and needy, i acted so because he didn’t try to help and work with me for our relationaship, i felt he became out of reach, i wasn’t his priority anymore, i felt only the one whom to fill his empty time. he only text me like everytime he went to bed after finish play game, sometime i was the only one who start the text, he hardly call me if i didnt tell him to do so. i was so upset, i’ve seen he went out with his friends all the time, he has many female friends, one of reason i got jealous sometime, but he always honest to me that he went with who. few night before we broke up, he told me he ran out of his saving bcuz of he paid fines (we got this fines when we were road trip) i felt bad of course and told him and wish he still keep coming to see me as he promised, but what i heard at the night was his doubt, he told me he wish if he has enough money. i asked him where all his money went since i worry if he got so many fines, he told me he dont know maybe because because of expensivr phone bills, gym, and went out all the time and the next day i found out he keep going out and went to movie with his frienda. i got really upset, i didnt tell him, i cried whole night because not only the fact that i was his option but finally i realized he never make an effort to come to see me, i ignored him since, he kept texting me as usual before bed telling me he miss me and love me so much, i tried hard to not reply him for 2 days. the next day i texted him asked to talk, he was abit offend after i ignored him, i told about my feeling about how hurt being an options, i have never asked his to talk to me all the time, but i only wish he could do something at least to make me feel as his priority, and again he told me he could do nothing (for 3rd times) he cant turned everything to talk to me all day which is i never asked, and his words become worst after he told me he love me but sometime he feel trapped and scared of my love, seems he is the only one i want for, he is the only one i live for and the only reason i want to comeback for. i shocked and got really upset after i heard that,, i told him goodbye, then he said ‘dont’ and i said thats what he just said that ( i cant believed he felt scared of me) and again i told him dont worry and to be scared of me i will remove my self from your life. and he said, he love me and really do, then i just cut his off by saying goodbye. i know he really love me, he always told me he love me more than anything, i made him happy to be alive (he wasnt happy since a girl he liked rejected him) he got suffered for months and always hurt him self, even his mum told me so, he much more happy after met me. i love him i love him so much, i gave everything for him to make him happy, but after the last few weeks what he had done to me, i cant deal with it anymore, i cant let someone take me for granted. his mum told me he wasnt alright at first week after we broke up. but lately after 2 weeks i saw he started went out with a girl he liked before (they work at the same place). he knew i never like seeing the girl in story of his snapchat, he took snapchat with the girl, even i saw they seems has a nice dinner. of course it broke my heart, he knew i dont like it, although now it’s not my business anymore, i just cant believe he forget me that quick, or is he trying to make me jealous? i know him, i saw him when he was around his friends, he is sociable person, his friends loves him, he is fun n funny but i knew behind his fun n funny and laugh face, he was hurt n unhappy inside, he always open up with me and never open to anybody. but now i just cant believe he turned out really fast, like our relationship meant nothing for him, i suddenly feel every loves he told, every tears he made such a lie and fake. i wish he miss me and realised his fault n feel regret as you said above, im not a kind of person who always blame another, i do always realized my fault as well by act clingy but the way he treat me as an option and made me work for everything really upset me. please leave me your thought, i would really appreciate it. thanks alot!
Hi Fenny! Thanks for the love and support 🙂 I have too much to say and unfortunately can’t sufficiently respond on this platform. Thank you for understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog. You’re not alone XOXO
I felt like a fool for searching that question, but I’m so thankful I did, because it led me to this page. What I read in this blog was exactly what I needed. Thank you so much, Natasha, for taking the time to write this. You were right about everything, including the fact we are not alone. The circumstances may vary, but this situation is unique to no one. You’ve been there. You’ve had the thoughts and feelings we’re all having. You know exactly what it feels like to allow yourself to wallow in pain, but you also had the strength to pull yourself out of that Pit of Misery. Not only that, you’ve given so many other people (not just women alone) the tools to do the same. You’ve helped me realize that I’m not doing myself any good by obsessing over whether or not he thinks of and misses me the way I do him. You reminded me that I blocked and removed him from my life for a reason, and what he’s doing doesn’t concern me. I still have a life to live. I understand it’s natural to feel sad about the loss of someone we love, but people who repeatedly hurt us simply do not belong in our lives. We need to open our hearts to those who want to help build us up, not tear us down.
I feel more at peace now after having read your blog, and I just wanted to join the others in telling you how thankful I am for you and what you’ve written. Sometimes we need a little outside help to feel empowered again, so thank you again for that boost. It was greatly needed, and much appreciated.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thanks Ashly XOXO
This is what I needed to hear. On and off for 2 years I always forgive his actions and I even apologize for mine even though my actions are minimal responses to his horrible ones. I did love him and you know what this break up was a little different than the rest. It came down to deep rooted values and he chose to cop out instead of stand up. I begged him not to I said let’s give this time, I’ll work with you. But in the end he wanted to move out but still have me at his beck and call, but only when he decided that he wanted me there. When I called him out on this he said “so that’s how you see it” I said well that’s what your asking for and I’m not your call girl I’m your partner. When your ready to treat me like one you know where to find me. Of course I regressed a bit after that and caved in and met with him 1 day afterwards I knew I couldn’t do this anymore I wanted him to miss me and come back and change and be everything I imagined him to be. But he’s not a kitten who barks…. Your so right. I’ve ignored him for the past 4 days a couple phone calls and a “hey” text no substance just wants validation. Although I still want a kitten that barks…. It’s easier to see that this is nearly impossible. Thank you, for empowering women everywhere.
Hi Leah! Thanks for the love 🙂 I’m so glad it helped! XOXO
Oh my gosh! This sounds like it was written completely about my ex word for word! Needless to say, I am devastated that he dumped me. I thought he was “the one”. He was amazing in the beginning and then turned into a total F**kt**d! Yes! That is my new name for him. Thank you for that btw! I can’t tell you how much reading this has helped me. Whenever I am feeling down, I read this again and it lifts me up! I deserve so much better than him. I fed his ego so much and he obliterated mine without any remorse at all. He didn’t even tell me it was over. He just went looking for someone else. Can you believe that? What a jerk. The funny thing is, he had no confidence before he was with me. He couldn’t even understand why an attractive woman like me was with him. Now he thinks he can have anybody. Good luck! But still, it is so hard to just cut him off but I’m doing it. It takes a lot of strength but I am so worth it!! Thank you thank you thank you!!!!
You go girl. Thanks for the love 🙂 So glad it helped!!
So I have to tell you this post has lifted my spirits NUMEROUS times during the last 3 months after the fiery, traumatic nuclear meltdown with my last ultimately unavailable, narcissistic, emotionally immature ex. It’s so hard still to reconcile how something started off SO AMAZING and turned into one of the most enmeshed, on again-off again roller coaster situations I’ve ever been in. I was madly in love with him, addicted to chasing the honeymoon stage and glorious make up’s – and convinced myself that all of our (unhealthy) up’s and down’s made us stronger and that we’d pull through. I thought he was the ONE and kept turning my head at behavior I KNEW was not OK. And every time I find myself spiraling and wondering if he misses me- if he regrets walking away from me so easily – I land on this lovely, beautifully fucking accurate post and walk away with a sense of peace. Thank you!!
Yes!!! This made my day! Thanks for the love Bethany. I’m so glad it has helped!! XOXO
Thank you so very much for posting this. I will read it everyday.. I have read so many things about breakups how to get over them etc and yours by far is the best one for girls out there who got their heart broken by an emotionally unavailable commitment phobe f***tard!! Thank you thank you thank you. I think I finally understand what’s happened and we aren’t the ones to be blamed for emotionally unavailable idiots that lead you on.
Thanks for the love Nina! I’m so happy that this post helped! 🙂 xoxo
Hi Natasha! I just want to ask, do guys have to make the first move if he REALLY will miss you? And even if he dumped you? I really miss him but I just dont want to bother him anymore. We just broke up exactly 2 weeks ago. I am the longest of relationships he’d ever been, 13 months, and he said that I was “the one” already then and now he changed his mind he doesn’t see me in his future anymore. I’m having a hard time moving on. Can you please help me?
Hi Hayley! I can’t really give advise on this platform, but I will say to continue to characterize him by his actions. Talk is cheap. Take care of yourself and do what’s best for you. xoxo
Thank you sooo much for writing this! Reading this was just the bi*ch slap I needed!
This blog post has COMPLETELY lifted my spirits. I’m NOT alone. I don’t have to be afraid to move on with life. I felt a little pathetic typing “does he miss me” in the search engine, but DAMN IT I’m so glad I did! I’ve downloaded and read break up books (about 4) and none of them left me feeling this good…this ready to put my best foot forward and leave him in the dust. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
YASSSSSSSS Jodie! You go girl. So glad it helped! xxxx
🙂 XOXO
I am curious…does the no contact rule really work? I texted him last and it has been 12 days. we were together for over a year and I am just now realising he was a narcissist/sociopath. He never took responsibility and blamed me for everything. He never said goodbye, I never got a “I’m not into you, or I have moved on” I got nothing…He loved me at one point. He adored me…I turned cold because he could never commit and I always had to wonder what I was to him. That makes a woman crazy…so, do you think he will eventually message me? How to move on without closure, is hard. I will not beg him anymore, he is used to me messaging him and blah blah. I have never given him time to miss me. I am just wondering how this will work. Does the NC rule make them move on from you more easily? I need help. I cry way too much. I feel like the NC will make him move on more happily and he will think that I do not care
Honestly, this is my story. I texted him the break up. After one week and a half of radio silence, I texted him again saying that I should have talked to him rather than texting the break up. He called me, after that, and he appeared to be making some effort to give me what I wanted. I have a great support system, and they encouraged me to stand my ground and not give in too easily. Well, after a week or so, he abruptly stopped making the effort, and he stopped calling. That was three weeks ago, and we haven’t talked since. The last thing he said to me was that he would see me tomorrow. I assume, because I was not jumping through hoops excited at his minimal effort, he wasn’t happy, so he decided it was not worth it for him. He liked the passive me, who accepted what he gave me with very little complaint.
I am so glad he did that, because it helped me snap out of whatever spell I was under. And it has taught me that I should be thinking the same way, of course not in a narcissistic way. I am not accepting anything that is tossed my way. So I decided, because I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t calling him. It’s about me, not him. Yes, it has been hard, but I am doing it, because I deserve a man who values me and is willing to make the effort.
This article and forum have been a huge help.
Hi Trish! Thanks for reading and thank you so much for sharing your story. You’re doing the right thing and although it’s hard, good job for listening to his actions instead of his words. You are not alone. Thanks for being a part of this tribe 🙂 xoxo
Hiya Natasha, thanks so much for your inspiring blogs, I hope you’re well.
I honestly was crying before I read your post this evening, I’ve needed time to mourn someone who has messed with my mind for several years. I found out three weeks ago he has a New girlfriend, I had been doing considerably well until I drove to the shop on Saturday afternoon and saw his work van parked outside a house ( will be his girlfriends house) I pass on the main road to my house, my heart sank and I was back to square one ( he hardly ever wanted to see me and there he is straight from work) on Monday evening after work his car is there – it broke my heart again. I’m going to have to go a different road home as I can’t have this upset every night …. Just seems unfair he should have It all nice after being an arse hole with me for years ( not talking as a victim, I was overly invested but he never let me go, he knew I loved him) please help xxx
Hi Justine! I wish that I could help, but I have too much to say to type it all out and not enough hands or time in the day. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you are interested. Thank you so much for reading and for understanding. You’re not alone xxxxxx
Hello,
My boyfriend broke up with me after 5 years of being together. The story is , i met x when we were at uni but due to the fact that he was indifferent to women in the past, he was shy in communicating with me/ didnt know how to embark on flirt converstations etc. i was the one who chased him and finally after one year of texting we got in a relationship. I was his first relationship( he was 23 at the time) while for me it was my second relationship. We live in 2 different cities and over the last 5 years i travelled alone for a few months and he seemed to like the idea of me being away cause he is some kind of a loner. He has a few friends but he wants his space etc. his parents are divorced and his an only child and he lives with his father. He was always kind and sweet but me on the other hand had a few jealousy issues due to my own insecurities. Keep in mind that this guy is very introvert and he wouldnt express things that bothered him. Last year , unfortunately i had a health issue and at some moment in time i was feeling like my world was falling apart and i had told him that i would like to move in with him to him city and was constantly telling me that he wasnt ready and he wanted to stay with his father. And accentuating the fact that he doesnt like things when they are forced. I then felt rejected and started to bit cold with him due to the fact that i thought he didnt love me and i told him i wanted to break up but then the next day i changed my mind. I then went to texas for three months and he came with me the first two weeks. We were talking normally ( distant relationship) but then i mentioned again the moving in idea and he said he thinks we have reached a dead end. When i came back from texas we met and told him to break up bur then changed my mind again. The next day he broke up with me over the phone without wanting to meet up and without giving me the reasons only telling me that we should be very good friends . During the breakup he answered to all my texts and phone calls. We met 2 times as ” friends” but then told him it hurts to talk as friends. He sends me msgs some times abt random stff but i dont want to get my hopes up. I really do feel thst i pressurised him with the moving in idea while i was ill but im better now and i dont feel the need to move in anymore. But he will not give me a second chance: he says we should build our friendship again and see where that takes us bt i am not sure if he is just being kind for me to think that he is a complete asshold. I was shocked by the way he broke up with me so easily especially because this person was really next to me during my illness. Was he just kind? Whats ure view ? We broke up one and half month ago.
This is amazing. Everything I need to hear. Thank you
Hi Lauren! Thanks so much for the love, feedback & support 🙂 XOXO
Hi,
My boyfriend and I broke up last night after almost two years. It sucks. I gave up everything for him, my parents trust included. He says he is doing it to protect me because he doesn’t want me to have to hide from them anymore, and I still want to be with him. Any advice?
Hi Em!
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this; I know how exactly you feel. I wish that I could help, but I have too much to say to type it all out and not enough hands to type or hours in the day. This is why I can no longer give specific advice in the comments. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you are interested. Thanks for the love, for reading and for your understanding. You’re not alone XOXO Here is the link to the coaching: https://postmalesyndrome.com/coaching/
Natasha,
This post was the most powerful thing I have read in a long time and was exactly what I needed tonight-thank you. I was in a relationship with a guy for 5 years and 3 years ago he broke up with me because, as he said, “You’re the only girl I’ve ever been with and I just want to see what else is out there.” It hurt me deeply and although I have had a series of surface relationships with other men since then, I couldn’t quite get over the past relationship and it was affecting my health, friendships, work, etc. I compared all other men to how my ex was in the beginning and never could give any of them a real chance. It’s been 3 years and I was STILL crying myself to sleep about it. Pathetic.
I needed to know if he missed me…it was driving me crazy. Your article answered that question for me.
I haven’t spoken to him in almost 3 years since the day that he dumped me and I don’t think I ever will or should.
Thank you for this post, for your time, and for helping me go to sleep tonight feeling stronger than I felt in a while.
With gratitude,
Lucy
Lucy,
You are the furthest thing from pathetic. Thank you for taking the time to share your story and thank you for allowing me to feel less alone in my past pain, experiences, feelings and emotions. I am honored to have played a small part in your healing and realizations. You’re doing the right thing and you’re not alone.
Thx for the love & support!
Your soul sister, N 🙂 xx
I just discovered your website and I am obsessed.. I know you hear it often, but, your writing is my thoughts. I just had this happen this week and each post is helping me stick my ground and feel better in a really shotty situation. I also have a dating blog, just short blurbs about my real life but you are an inspiration. Keep up the great posts, truly relatable.
Hi Lauren! Thank you so much 🙂 I’m happy that the posts have helped and I’m honored to have a small part in your healing and realizations. I’d love to check out your blog! Email me or comment back the url!! Thanks soul sister XOXO
This resonates. I still don’t care. I just want the bloody pain to go away. I want my head screwed on right again. I know he’s a douche, I deserve better, blah blah blah. But can we get back to me being OK?? I’m hurt to the core.
Wow!! How true ….doesn’t make me feel any better and I have major trust issues . But you just have to move on.
xoxo
Going through a tough break up. I came across this a few weeks ago, and emailed the link to myself to read whenever I start over thinking (always). I can’t tell you how many times I have read this, and it always makes me feel so much better, and reminds me that I deserve so much better. Thank you, thank you!
🙂 thanks soul sister! xx
Oh, Natasha…I always find myself back to your blog and your words. I needed to reread this one today, and did so 4 or 5 times more. Your words are like curling up next to a good friend over steaming mugs of chamomile. A friend that loves, understands and has your best interest at heart-but cuts the bullshit. Some days it’s hard to remember how we are all worth so SO much-and on the low days – like this one – I have your words. They fill in the blanks, they answer questions, they build me up: they remind me I’m not alone in this, but even though we are having a proverbial tea chat – it is up to me. Thank you again for once again fixing the kinks in my armor 😉
I hope to have that cup of tea in person one day 🙂 Thanks sister! I love and believe in you x
If all this while you start feeling that every time it was you who was wrong, things weren’t moving ahead in our relation, while i wanted to get married to this person he maintained his silence every time over this topic (yes he talked once a while but didn’t act over it), and I became the nagging kind. When our first big fight happened where I slapped him for ignoring me, he didn’t speak to me for 7 days and thought of moving on, while I was seeking for his apologies. (I thought how can he think of moving on when he was at fault, what came out was my reaction to it). Later every time we fought things got worse, and he started getting away from me. He used to tell me his family wont agree for the marriage. He never made me meet his family and I doubt he made any effort to convince them either. When I tried to take control of things by speaking to his family myself things got even more bad. In between he spoke to his ex’s which built up to my insecurities.
Though he is all quite and sweet kind of a guy, never did anything harsh for which I can blame him for. He has a long list of things to blame me and my character. I agree I always reacted extreme, but that was the consequence of my already suffocated self. How do I let go of this guilt that I have spoiled the relation and couldn’t handle it maturely. He has all the reasons to hate me and not miss me and come back while I am so obsessed with the fact will he ever realize why I reacted that way..
As most of the others that have commented I to found this very up lifting. It is nice to have a feeling of explanation.
I am 34 years old and have a 2 year old baby girl with my ex.
I stood by his side threw so much, I loved him even when he was wrong, he was my king. I forgave his anger tward me, his harsh words and the occasional hit from his hands so easily as I loved him unconditionally. Those harsh words from his lips were the lips I loved to kiss and those hands that hit me were the hands I loved to hold. Sounds silly right? I lived for the moments that he “loved” me. After 4 years with him I woke up to his kiss on my forehead telling me he loved me as he went off to work, that was two months ago, I haven’t heard from him since. Yes, he is ok and alive however as his sister tells me he does not want me to know where he is… He left his phone, all his clothing, everything here but took the most important thing, he took my heart. I am reminded everyday by his clothes in the closet, all the pictures on the wall, the memories I cant shake and above all our baby girl. Her daddy was her everything, she loved her daddy so very much… She still waits for him to come home, she asks for daddy and Im not sure what to tell her. He was not good at being my friend but he was a good Father. I am not sure what my future holds, maybe that is the scariest part. Even tho he may not deserve my thoughts, they still consist of him for the most part of my day. I hope that this emptiness I feel does turn to anger, I hope that the anger is so strong that I thrive as Mommy and Daddy to my daughter.. To all the Ladies before me who commented, I feel your pain, confusion and relate to your wounded soul…
Natasha, thank you for your voice… its uplifing and inspiring to broken lives like mine.
You’re not alone Sammi. All my love to you sister xoxo
hi sammi,
i don’t know you personally but your experienced with a heart break, it made me feel like we are in the same side. you are not alone, we are here for you. i am still struggling with a heart break too and i know we are all will get through this!
Love the support & sisterhood! XOXO
Hello Natasha, your blog was a cure to my fatal condition!
I posted it on facebook to read whenever i am feeling bad..
my story when i recall it is all my fault, i made him take me for granted..
My ex was mama’s boy, after 3 years he didn’t get the courage to face her, it wasn’t healthy relationship, because he used to dump me a lot; and everytime my heart will lose a piece. His mom doesn’t want me as his wife, for no main reason, but what i understood is because i am a bit old “28 years old” and he is one month older, i am an independent girl, but she is looking for a 17 year old housewife girl..
We broke up the first time and he got engaged to please his mom, then broke up and came crawling back, the problem is, i let him in, because i love him unconditionally..
Many break ups followed and some for 5 months long, and he will come around weak, saying:”i feel alone, and missing something in my life that is you, no one is encouraging me ….”
Our relation was more like me giving without asking, because he lived in an environment when they used to take from him without giving, he used to hug me and say: “you are tender and caring more than my mother” …
Many break ups, many tears from a man that doesn’t cry, because of our society and traditions, many times i gave him the chance to break my heart, and now he will listen to his mom, and marry who ever she picks.
I miss him badely, and i miss taking care of him, and i always wonder if he misses me, if the new girl will take my place?
Help me please!!!
Hi Loulz!
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this; I know how you feel. I wish that I could help, but I have too much to say to type it all out and not enough hands to type or hours in the day. This is why I can no longer give specific advice in the comments. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you are interested.
Thanks for the love, for reading and for your understanding.
You’re not alone XOXO
Here is the link to the coaching: https://postmalesyndrome.com/coaching/
Dear Natasha,
I am so very grateful for this post. I am at 9 days no contact with an emotionally unavaialable man. He treated me like a queen in the beginning, and by the end he refused to even acknowledge my birthday. I wasted 1.5 years on this man.
So, I am picking up my self esteem after watching him chase after his next victim on social media. Its been 9 days, and no “where are you, how are you” text. The truth is, i dont think he ever really cared that much.
Thank you for this. This is the first article that has made sense to me, that has encouraged me to move on and fix myself, without looking back. After reading this, I can see much clearer what I was dealing with, and I feel like someone had a window into what my relationship was like.
Cheers, to new beginnings, and stronger souls…I owe you one ?
You go girl! 🙂 Happy it helped! All my love to you soul sister. xxxx
I needed every bit of this right now. If I feel like reaching out to him, I will re-read this blog instead. Thank you for helping me grow my female balls.
Hugs,
Christy
YES! You go girl xoxo
Hi Natasha,
I read your blog and just kind of wanted to post my story and see if you could give me some advice.
My ex broke up with me about a year and a half ago after being together 2.5 years. He was my first and my best friend and I do still care about him, but know that he is not healthy for me.
In the beginning of our relationship, he was very charming and a gentleman. I felt that I could talk to him about anything and everything, but as time went on he started to show his true colors, and though I could see them start to unfold, I completely ignored them (My mistake). I fell so deep in love with the person I met in the beginning that I believed that I would have that person forever. We moved in together shortly after becoming official and made a life of our own.
However, he had a drinking problem. He had been drinking since he was 16 years old. He wouldn’t drink in the beginning of our relationship because he knew that I wasn’t a big fan of alcohol in general due to my past with my stepfather and I had hopes that he would change knowing that information. But, when he turned 21, he started drinking as much as he wanted and told me that I had no say and would become angry if I said anything about it (especially if he had already been drinking and I would simply ask him to slow down or stop). He would call me names and throw a fit, saying that I was nothing but a F***ing B**ch and that I was holding him back from having his fun. I told him that I didn’t like who he was when he drank. He became mean and hateful. I even used to record our fights on my phone so he could hear how hurtful he could be to me when he would drink and when he listened to them, he made me feel guilty by saying that it was wrong of me to record our fights. Was I wrong?? At that time I honestly didn’t know what to do I was 20 and it was my first relationship (I’m 24 now). He was being so hurtful and I just wanted to show him how his drinking was affecting our relationship. But, in the end I ended up deleting them anyways due to guilt and his drinking continued.
After that, it just got worse. I tried bargaining with him about his drinking and he still pretty much just drank whenever he wanted. I felt like I couldn’t say anything any longer and so I didn’t for the longest time. It was also a concern that he was still friends with his ex who ended up leaving him for another guy that she later married and then divorced. His friends made sure to keep tabs since they are still friends with her as well. They all went to high school together.
Later, he lost his job and became lazy and refused to look for work elsewhere. I was working and maintaining as much as I could, but I was becoming very stressed and very depressed. He then started talking to an old flame via text and then he started seeing her. I became very upset. He claimed that they were just friends (after he told me that she was his first love/first kiss that he fingered once). We got into a huge fight. He told me that he was going to see her no matter what I said. Already feeling depressed and angry, I began to self harm (which I have done in the past). I’ve dealt with depression most of my life and he was aware of this. He tried to stop me from harming myself, but I locked him out. He then called the police and told them I was trying to kill myself. After he called them he left. I was so devastated that I actually tried to kill myself, but failed. The police showed up and when they found me I was distraught and scared. I didn’t know what was going to happen or what they were going to do. They actually laughed at my misery, like I was just putting on a show. I never felt so low in my life.
I was released from the hospital that same night. My ex ignored me for a few days. In those few days I managed to make everything my fault, took all the blame and tried to make things work, but ultimately he didn’t want to try anymore. He was done. Done with me. He said it was the last straw and that we were broken up. He claimed that he didn’t want a relationship with anyone. But, he still wanted to be friends. I told him I couldn’t do that. A week later he packed his things and mine as well, broke the lease to our apartment and moved back to his home town where he could be closer to friends and family (the old flame lives there too). He even ended up having to take my cat as well because I could not take him when I moved in with my mother. We made an agreement that my ex would take care of my cat until I could find another home for him since I had no one else at the time that could take him in. I really did not want to have to give my cat up to a shelter, so it took some time.
A couple of months went by and my ex still wanted to try and be friends. I told him I would try. I drove to his hometown to visit my cat once, but that was a mistake. When I got to my ex’s place (his dad’s), he had pictures of us up. Prior to me arriving he told me not to get any wrong ideas about getting back together, but yet he had pictures of us up in his room? I was really confused and at that time I still had some hope that we may actually get back together. After I had visited he told me not to be a stranger. Then all of a sudden, I was losing friends because he was talking about me behind my back and telling people that I was the problem in our relationship and that I basically went crazy. I told him that I couldn’t take it anymore and could not be friends with him. We went no contact and then a few months later I hear from him again saying he would like to see me and have lunch. Me being the kind and stupid person that I am, I went to see him. When I got there he looked like hell. His hair had grown out and he had a beard. He was also wearing pajamas. We were meeting for lunch… He told me he had gotten rid of his practically bran new car because he was still unemployed and could not afford it, so he had to hitch a ride from a friend. I asked him why he asked me to lunch. He basically wanted me to feel sorry for him. He said he was miserable. He then proceeded to talk about himself and his issues and how he had thoughts of suicide. I just sat there and told him he should seek professional help, but he said he wasn’t going to do that. He then told me that he asked me to lunch because he was planning a trip and it was possible that the trip may be dangerous and he may die, so he wanted to see me one last time. Again, I just sat there. I didn’t really say much at this meeting. I didn’t know what to say. I just looked at this person and wondered who he was and why he was doing this to me. After that I was done.
I finally found a home for my cat and tried to get him back a couple weeks later, my ex played games and tried hold my cat hostage. After I finally got my cat back I gave my ex back some of his things and also some things that once had meaning, but now no longer do, like my promise ring and some other things. He became irrate and started calling me names. Said I was a manipulative b**ch. I just got back in my car and drove away. He then called my phone and left a nasty voicemail calling me names and then a text saying that I was lucky that I got my cat back. I did not respond.
About two months after I got my cat back, his cat had died and he called me leaving a voicemail saying that he would like for me to call him (pretty much so that I could give him my sympathy). I did not call him back, though I felt terrible about his cat’s passing, and I have not heard from him since.
I have been trying to put my heart back together ever since. I check up on him every now and then on Facebook and he’s still single, jobless, and still hanging out with the old flame and his old ex. Doesn’t seem like he’s ever going to change. Also doesn’t seem like he really even cares that he shattered my heart into a million pieces. He still has pictures of us up on his Facebook, but I try not to read into it. I just wish that I had listened to my intuition from the beginning. I wish I had gotten out before it had gotten so bad. Did I deserve this? I feel that I brought most of it onto myself. He’s never truly apologized for his actions and I feel that he never will. So, why do I still care about this person when he clearly does not care about me?
Sorry about the long story… If you have any input it would be very much appreciated.
Hi!
I wish that I could help, but I have too much to say to type it all out and not enough hands to type or hours in the day. This is why I cannot give specific advice in the comments. I do offer coaching one-on-one coaching if you are interested.
Thanks for the love, for reading and for your understanding.
You’re not alone XOXO
Dear Natasha – thank you so much for this post, it’s pure GOLD and I really needed this.
It’s just day 3 of my long but empowering journey of no contact and I’m hanging in there. Our relationship was incredible; he was the kindest and sweetest man I ever met and regardless of my pain now, I feel fortunate to have met him and to love this way. I’m 30 and he’s 35, we met each other’s families, friends, and I was certain the big question was around the corner, but then he panicked… He is afraid that he’s only experienced a 12+ year relationship in which he was miserable and depressed, our premature 1+ year relationship which he claims is the best thing that ever happened to him, and a brief period of online dating encounters in between – through which we met. Sadly for me, he wants to live the single life he never had in a state of mind he’s never been in before -happy (he’s battled depression his whole life). This of course in the absence of “us” and in NYC, the Disney of emotionally unavailable men. I think I could fill a gallon of saltwater with all the tears we shed when we said our goodbyes – and I believe his love and respect for me pushed him to be honest and actually say what he wanted as I’d like to think most men would just cheat. He wanted us to remain in contact-but I said no way-the pain of possibly speaking while knowing he could be dating someone else would kill me. But here I am wanting hear his comforting voice, his subtle words of encouragement and maybe meet for a coffee and feel guarded by his gentle hugs… sigh! I’m going to graduate school next summer and my hope is that sometime before that he will feel like he finally “lived” and come begging for my forgiveness. I want to be strong when that happens, if it ever happens, because love can’t afford to take breaks and I want him to learn a lesson but not because I seek revenge but because I love him and I want him to grow for his sake. Now, Natasha, will you please put some sense into me? Will you please tell me this isn’t love? How can you love and push that person away for possibly, forever? I think I know the answer, truth is I bet 100% of all the ladies here are incredibly intelligent and can make sound decisions in everything else, but I guess love does this to us, it confuses the hell out of us! So I thank you dearly for this site and I’m hoping you could share some advice.
Hi!
Thanks babe 🙂 I’m happy that the post helped!
I wish that I could advise, but I have too much to say to type it all out and not enough hands to type or hours in the day. This is why I cannot give specific advice in the comments. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you are interested.
Thanks for the love, for reading and for your understanding.
You’re not alone XOXO
I turned 49 when I met the love of my life. I waited so long. Survived a lot of things and really worked on myself. Last month I ended the relationship after 6 years because I had enough. This poor excuse of a man, took such advantage of me and was ever the charmer. It came down to the last of his children going to College and we could build our life. Guess what? he changed his mind and was casually pursuing other tings. I went through the holidays, our anniversary, my birthday so heartbroken. I believe even at 55 it was natural. One day i woke up , called him and told him I was closing the door and forgave him. He was nonplussed. I did it for me. I stayed for many reasons but the important part was I left for the right reasons. He even tried to turn that break up around as he dumped me in the 5 words I allowed him to utter. I was beautiful, kind and graceful; my soul was intact. So was his. it was lousy. You are correct that people will sow themselves especially at the end of the relationship, because they can. I did what I needed to do and am pretty proud of me at 55. I took my power back and told him I was doing it. Thank you Natasha for your prolific writing which has helped this broken heart and battled soul. This is my year of being an Authentic me and my own best friend. I plan on getting a Ph.D in embracing myself. I am celebrating my bravery and moving on.
XOXOX
Dea
Sorry for the typos. I guess I was so ridiculously excited I just could not use spell check. Too bad we could not use Ctrl, alt delete on people who are miserable. The ts all.
Lol! no worries & AGREED. xo
YES! You go girl. I’m honored to have played a small part in your healing and realizations. So happy that it served you Dea. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being a part of this tribe 🙂 All my love to you sister. XOXO
This is exactly what I needed. My ex just broke up with me yesterday…over text. And I couldn’t help but feel broken. I still do if I am honest. I felt like I gave him all of me. And a part of me is so angry at myself for all of the things I smiled through even though I wasn’t okay. And a part of me is angry at myself for all the things I did for him because I didn’t know how to love halfway. Rationally, I know that this isn’t all my fault. Yes, I could have communicated better. But I was right to fear how he would respond because I knew my heart would be broken. But that in itself isn’t my fault. He didn’t know how to reciprocate. He knew how to take and after a certain point, I felt myself crumble because I had nothing left of myself to give him. Even now, I have to train my mind from asking how he is doing. If I’m honest with myself, I know he probably isn’t asking himself the same question.
I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want me when all I offered was love. Two weeks ago, he told me he loved me but was going through so much stress that he needed a break because he felt a disconnect. But he also knew that I don’t believe in breaks. And yet he promised to try because he said losing me was his worst fear. He told me we were a team, even when we felt like we weren’t. And because I love him, I believed it. But I could tell things were different. The affection, the kisses, the words were missing. He couldn’t love me.
And then the text conversation happens.
I’m still processing. I blocked him on everything and I’m not reaching out. But I’m trying really hard to not break down because he stopped deserving my love a long time ago.
Thank you for writing this. Even if I can’t feel these words as truth just yet, I will read them over and over until I do.
Thanks Natalie 🙂 I’m so happy that the post helped. Keep coming back here to the blog. You’re not alone <3 xo
Hi I’m in the very same situation as you and I’m lost. Just curious as to how things are for you now xx
Thank you so much.
xoxo
I just read your article and I’m currently going through a tough and unexpected breakup. My boyfriend of 2.5 years was cheating on me and I just found out, he was living two separate lives and continues to see that girl and denying he is with her. I have these questions of will he miss me, and regret what he’s done. And I’m taking your advice to cut off all contact and move forward. He has no guilt for breaking my heart yet he still continues to say he misses me. I hope you are right in the fact that regret will set in, I know I’m worth more than this and I want my actions to speak louder than my words.
Let your actions do the talking and keep coming back here to the blog Melli <3 You are not alone. XOXO
Natasha,
First of all, thank you for this post. I thought I was losing my mind wondering if he thought of me, if he regretted our break up. I don’t think he is capable of it to be honest.
I am on Day 12 of no contact, and it’s still tough. However, I realize that what I do miss is what I projected him to be, and not necessarily who he really was. We were together 2 years, and although we would see each other once a week, he refused to get me a card for my birthday, or a Christmas gift, or anything to make me feel special to him. I had to watch him pursue other women on social media, and found out he was seeing them on the side.
I know I am better off without him, yet, I wonder, does he miss me? Did I waste two years of my life with a man who is incapable of real love? Probably, but I am now wiser and stronger, and I won’t make the same mistake again. As you stated above, “Who cares”? Who cares if he hasn’t texted, or if he’s not thinking of me, or he is pursuing his next victim. She is in for the same fate I had anyway.
So thank you for putting things in perspective. It makes it easier not to check my phone or social media, but focus back on who I am meant to be.
xoxo
I’m so happy it helped! Thanks Jenn 🙂 Keep coming back here to the blog – you are understood, supported, loved, backed, believed in and never alone. XOXO All my love to you sister.
Um…this article is amazing. Thank you Natasha!
Happy it helped! 🙂 XO
Hello 🙂 what can i do if my narsict/eum exboyfriend won”t give my money back? I call /text him but he give me silent treatmemt And i need THE money !!
This is honestly one of the best things I’ve ever read THANK YOU FOR THIS!!!! <3
Happy it helped! Thanks Missy! 🙂 XO
Hi Natasha
Reading this post really opened my eyes. I was dating someone who brought all kinds of excuses and would get away from confrontation whenever I felt something was wrong. When problems started to arise he started talking to another girl and he broke up with me through his best friend. I’m so glad I found your page. keep doing an awesome job!!!
I’m so happy that the post helped! You are loved, appreciated, supported, empathized with and never, ever alone. Thanks for being part of this tribe Luna 🙂 xx
Thank you Natasha. I want you to know you opened my eyes today. I’ve been crying for days and waiting for that call that will eventually come. Now I’ll move forward with your advice and words of wisdom. I’m not fabulous like you but I’ll fake it until I make it.
You are even more fabulous and you’re not alone. You are understood, supported, believed in and loved. Thanks Brenda. XOX
I just stumbled upon this blog post and it was such a good read since I’m in this current situation. Just 2-3 weeks ago, my ex cut me off completely by blocking me on everything. We broke up a few months prior to this incident and I spent months trying to get him to realize I still wanted things to work. He would say no every time, and once he blocked me after an argument, I just did my best to accept it and not contact him at all. Well, one night, at 3:30 in the morning, I woke up to my ex throwing snowballs at my window, banging on my window and knocking on my door in order to wake me up. He even called me 7 times, sent me text messages, sent me messages on Twitter and on Instagram. He did all of this just to talk to me, this late at night and he claims he was no longer drunk. I met him outside my apartment and let him talk, I hope I’m not wrong for doing that. He wanted to apologize for how he treated me and he realized that cutting me off wasn’t the right answer for him. He said he realized he started missing me the week before and felt like he had no one to talk too because I’m one of the few people who understand him. Even after talking, he now tries to cuddle and kiss me like we’re still dating. We were in this same boat prior to him cutting me off. He’s aware that I use to still have feelings for him after our breakup, but now I’m not so sure. He makes things very confusing by saying one thing but doing another. Keep in mind, during his one drunken nights he kept saying he loved me but the next day he said he was lying when he said that. He always constantly reminding me that there are no other girls in his life romantically. I don’t know if I should try maintaining a friendship with him or cut him off since he can’t seem to make up his mind.
Hi Laney! Thank you 🙂 I’m glad that the post helped! I wish that I could advise, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give specific advice/answers in the comments.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested.
All my love to you soul sister.
You’re not alone XOXO
Wow OMG! Thank you for the post. I totally relate with everything you wrote. And I’m still on my recovery journey sometimes its step forward sometimes its a hurdle and other time I feel like I have made a lot of progress. I’ve learnt this though, NO to stagnation and holding onto my idiot ex and YES to LOVING MYSELF. THANK YOU soo much you’re a genius. I needed this
So happy it helped! Thanks Faaa! 🙂 XOXO
This is the best article ever! Every sentence was right on and addressed exactly what I’m thinking, wondering, feeling. It gave me some strength to remind myself” I don’t really want him.” Thank you so much , your website has helped so much during this devastating breakup that I’m going through. It’s been one of the only sites that has been right on! Thanks again for your work and the willingness to share it!
Happy it helped! Thanks Angela! 🙂 xo
Natasha,
I stumbled upon your site while looking for inspiration this weekend. This message is very powerful. I’d been in an on again, off again situation with someone I fell in love with for the last 10 months. I cared for him more than I’ve ever cared for a man. I had walked away twice due to the fact that he couldn’t get it together and commit fully to me. He’d apologize for letting me down and promise to make it all up to me and ask that we continue to take the time to figure “us” out and I would give in and agree to. He’d ask that we be “friends” but he would end up reaping the benefits of a relationship with me without having to commit to me. I deserved more than that and realized that everyday I was hurting more hoping he’d make the investment fully in me.
The third go round things felt as if they were improving between us. We went on a trip together and he told me everything a woman wants to hear (“I was his favorite person and he loved having me in his life.” “He cared for me.” “I made him want to be a better man.”, etc) except that he wouldn’t fully be with me because he still had to figure himself out. Nothing is more heartbreaking than when a man tells you how much they care about you and how amazing you are except that they can’t commit to you. I knew I had run and never look back this time. I cut him off for good this third go-round because I had to stop the bleeding.
Being with him taught me that I do have the ability to fully love someone, but that I also deserve that same love in return. I have cut off all contact and I plan to spend my time continuing to invest in myself. Most days I wake up very strong and determined to continue to “rise”. But some days I stumble and my thoughts drift off to replaying the situation in my head and questioning myself. Your message “Be with someone that’s committed and that will love you NOW” is just the kick in the butt I needed today, so thank you.
Love your site, keep spreading your light. 🙂
Thank you from the bottom of my heart Kirstin – for your love, support and for sharing. I’m honored to have helped! 🙂 XOX
Wow… you addressed everything I was wondering, deep down I knew it all along but it’s good to hear it so clearly. Thank you so much for this, one of the best, most well thought out responses. I deserve so much better!!! The right guy at the wrong time is still the wrong guy and you really show it through your article. Keep doin your thang!
Thank you Maroussia! I’m happy it helped!! 🙂 XOXO
Hi Natasha
Great article. So spot on. I would like your advice as I am confused as to whether I did the right thing.
I met this guy 9 months ago who chased and chased me alot in the beginning, I showed little interest, I knew of him before this and always thought of him as a player. He persisted for weeks until I agreed to meet him for a drink. Things went really well and we dated for about 8 months. I was going through a marriage seperation at the time which he knew of and was a great support to me. I still lived with my ex husband at the time but only for financial reasons. He was loving and supportive during our time together but a few flags showed up, i.e. he would talk about going places and never following up on it. He would mention that I should take up running etc. to shed a few pounds which I was upset with at the time. I did however take up the running and guess what I love it ha!
He has alot of female friends and is very active on FB but I’m not the jealous type so I trusted that he was only interested in me. He withdrew twice in the relationship and I ignored him for a few days each time until he texted me. I told him he would be better off with a less complicated woman as I still had issues to sort out at home. We made up however and all seemed fine. I gave him massive support emotionally and financially, the physiscal side of our relationship was amazing also. We were probably the happiest we had been when out of the blue he told me he was breaking it off. I was abit shocked and asked why. He said that I needed to sort my home life out and we could do the relationship thing again in time once the dust settled.
We had a great evening strangely enough even having breakup sex (I know bad idea). My gut instinct told me he was interested in someone else, and wanted to pursue it. I later found out this was true and he had been texting another girl (mutual friend told me) and flirting etc alot with her. I was so annoyed and jealous. He asked me to go to a music gig with him few days later of a band we both love which I did. When I got there he told me this other girl was likely to show up too. I was bit shocked he told me.? Later I saw him texting her, I was fuming. As well as that he was seriously flirty with a girl way younger than him. It all got too much and when he approached me to flirt/ask me to dance I told him to f*** off!! I left then with my friend and sent him a text “WTF”.
No reply, I texted him the following day and he asked me what did he do wrong. I asked could we meet. We did and he said he couldnt understand why I was jealous when this girl he was texting was just a friend. He said why would I tell you if she wasnt? I said I didnt believe him and thought the reason for breakup was to pursue her and I wanted him to stop stringing me along. I also called him a sleaze for his behaviour with the young girl which he got very upset over, said he was hurt and disappointed in me and he thought I had his back. I said I did that was why I was calling him out on it, his actions were very sleazy. That night didnt end well.
I felt abit bad and emailed him 2 days later to say that I was sorry for what I called him and what he did on his nights out were his business. I also said I was jealous and hurt over him texting other woman but I now realised that it was not my business as we had broken up. I said I valued what we had and wanted to do the friends thing but I needed space for a few weeks to get over my feelings for him. I asked him to acknowledge email which he did by giving me small thumbs up on messsanger.
I am so confused, that was a week ago and I have not contacted him nor him me. Should I contact him soon or leave him be. I really loved him and miss him so much. Btw my ex husband has since moved out of our home (few weeks ago) and yes he is aware that this happened. From what I know he has stopped texting this other girl but only because she showed no interest.
So sorry for long message, thanks for taking the time to read
Mary
Hi Mary!
I wish that I could advise and answer, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give specific advice/answers in the comments.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog.
I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further ? The link to it is on the homepage!
All my love to you soul sister.
You’re not alone xo
My ex and I were together for over 3.5 years. Things fell apart and he wound up cheating on me and dumped me. The next day I was hospitalized because of anxiety and panic attacks due to all the emotional stress of all the problems my ex and I were having in the lead-up to our breakup.
That was all over 2 months ago.
Today, it is still fresh and very raw. I have days where the withdrawals are crippling and the tears come out of nowhere. It almost feels like I am stuck in a dark, impenetrable fog and all I can see if how difficult things have been since we split. I’ve been going to therapy, joined a recovery program for alcohol addiction (it got waay out of control after we split) and really focusing on my health and wellness – yoga has done wonders.
But a huge part of my recovery is this blog site. I cannot tell you how much it has helped during the moments (daily) where I need perspective or to be reminded to ‘stay on the white horse’ and to focus on loving myself as opposed to my projections when I start pining for him.
This past week was the first time that I have shown my face and gotten out. I am aware that there is a chance I will bump into him but I keep repeating to myself as a mantra “stay on the white horse, stay on the white horse, stay on the white horse, etc.”. It gives me something to hold onto and helps me to tap into my strength as I try to tentatively move on with my life.
It has been hard mainly because I lost all my close friends since the split (most of them were his friends and wound up siding with him, I expected this). I’ve been taking small steps towards making a new social circle. It has been tough and I’m always fearful of seeing triggers, reminders of my past relationsh*t and actually bumping into him. But I have faith that I will “stay on the white horse” and am committed to being “the one that got away”.
Thank you so much for this site, it is doing wonders for my recovery.
BIG love and hugs to you <3 You are not alone. XOXO
I am Blown Away, It’s so unreal how this Sounds Exactly like What I’ve Thought, been Feeling. Putting Myself through Complete Well for the Last 4months on a daily bases. I’ve Never Been Affected By Anyone the This Person has Effected Me almost To every single thing You Wrote. Making Me Feel So Lost and Alone, just truly wanting to understand why He Did ALL this to Me. Your Bullets were 100% Correct. I did so much, put up with anything and Everything He said or did, convinced I saw Something Good about Him, That everyone else just gave up on Him, Didn’t take the time to see the real Him, Instead Felt like Everyone gave up to quick on Him. But it was it was Me, I Didn’t see the real Him. I Only Saw What He Wanted Me to See and He Broke My Heart, Really Broke My Heart… He Went Above and Beyond what He Even needed to say and Do to Make sure I Completely Fell in Love with Him, would Do Anything He wanted. Never even thinking Anything was wrong, actually quit opposite. Without Any Warning We Literally Had Great Phone conversation, saw Each other 2days before and Everything seem perfect. We Hung up Phone and He Never contact Me again, was Back with His Ex and Has Treated Me So Different, Has Said Such Mean horrible things about Me to Keep His Ex From Being so Mad at Him that We dated, They were Not together and She Still tryst to Contact Me, Argue or Ask Me about Our Relationship. Which I Won’t discuss with Her and She Then gets mad at Him I guess. He Won’t Talk to Help Me understand What Happen. Leaving Me with Every Thought I could Think of What I did wrong and Should’ve Tried Harder or Done Better. (I am Bawling While typing this cause I feel so stupid now) I Have Had such Low Self-esteem, Self Worth in last 4 months then I’ve ever had in My life. I still want to Talk to Him I Just Want To Know Why and How He Could Do ALL these things To Someone Who would’ve done Anything for Him to Make Him Happy. That’s First time I’ve let ALL those feeling out about How it feels. Thank You , for your article it was like reading My Own experience. I Just Hope It starts to get Easier soon, Doing and Feeling this way daily is becoming So Hard, I Just Want to Feel like I’m going to get past this sometime soon… Hoping and Praying
Hi Betty! I’m happy that the post helped! 🙂 Sending you love and support. xoxo
hi Natasha.. your post really helped me get answers of some unasked questions to my ex..I shall share my story in short..I m a kind of good looking but simple girl. I have never been into any relationship till 25. I m a introvert person so have a few friends. After my post graduation I was jobless & no one was there to spend time with me as my friends parted after my pg. At this point of my I was all low. I was lonely & jobless. That’s when he came to my life. I liked him. he was quick to propose. I said yes. then after some months he got job & moved to another city. now we maintained a long distance relationship. he was good to me in behavior so my attraction for him soon converted into love. I was deep in love & I would have never knew it until one day I came to know the knews that he is going to marry someone else. I was shattered. I confronted him why he didn’t tell me before.I told him i will tell his fiance everything about us. but he told me that he couldn’t dared to tell me before because he didn’t wanted to loose me. he told me that his fiance was one of his relative & is very obsessive girl with suicidal tendencies. so he never dared to tell her about me. hearing this I canceled my plan as I didn’t knew if my bf was lying or telling the truth but I didn’t wanted to harm a girl that didn’t knew anything about us. so I kept mum. by the time my mother was diagnosed with cancer. now I dropped every thought of him & tried hard to shift my focus to my mothers heath. my mother health weakened day by day. I was broken inside but at this point of time couldn’t share my story with anybody. I just had to make a brave face to the world as if everything was fine.I was so shattered that even I had sucidal thoughts. I had a tough time facing inner & outer storms at the same time. but decided to hang on for my family sake. in the mean time when I used to get better with reality. he would message me & disturb me as if nothing happened between us. though I was hurt I would answer him as a good friend because I too wanted to forget my present situation. but in the mean time I remembered I had password of my bf’s social accounts & decided to go through it secretly .I went through it & I was shocked like hell to see he was cheating me from 3 years with this fiancee. not only this he was cheating on her & me with some other girls also.I felt as if someone pulled the land under my feet. I was devastated .but in the mean time after a tough year or so my mom succumbed to cancer. I was now very empty inside I hated god.I hated myself. I hated every man on this earth except my father. somehow I gathered myself & messaged my friends about this sad event of my life.obviously I messaged my bf also. he sent condolences through message & said he wanted to meet me as before we did earlier. days passed but he never called me in person. used to sent message & asked to meet every time.at this point I first time in my life recognized how selfish he was. I was very angry & upset.I blocked him without any conversation one day. & decided to never look back. but even after one year.I found my self indulged in his thoughts. sometimes missing him some times hating him. sometimes wondering why he didn’t try contact me after I blocked him.did he miss me.Is if I was hooked to something of my past.& couldn’t move on even after I wished. but after a year of struggle with my own mind.I came across this article of yours. & I succeded to move on finally. I was stuck in thoughts like how can he do this to me? how can he move on so easily? why he is not sorry about what he did? does he miss me? etc. I never knew how to find answers to such questions. but u solved my problem. thanks a lot dear from the bottom of my heart.I am now free from those hurtful thoughts only because of u.thanks a lot. may god bless u. keep it up dear.u r doing a great job for girls like us.let your light shine.
Hi Sukanya!
I’m so honored and happy to have helped. You are loved, supported, believed in and never, ever alone. Thank you for your love, support and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 Sending you so much love. XOXO
I’m embarrassed to be writing this.. but I met an amazing man around a month before my divorce was finalized from my cheating ex husband (we were only married 9 months, have no kids and we were both in our 20’s.. the decision to end the marriage was 100% mutual) he knew the divorce was almost finalized, just needed to attend the final hearing, then suddenly the court date got prolonged. He started acting distant and eventually ended things because he said he wasn’t so sure about me and my past anymore. (We were never official.. just “seeing” each other.) I understood because legally I was still married, even though physically and emotionally I was over my ex. I had no intention on falling for him but we just connected on all levels and I just couldn’t help it. We got along wonderfully. I sincerely apologized to him and told him I understood how he felt but I never meant to cause any hurt. I was always open and honest with him and told him that unfortunately the process is long but it was only a matter of weeks. He never responded to my apology… I’m heartbroken and it’s been over a month since we’ve talked. I immediately went no contact. I think about him constantly.. I fear he’s found someone else or he hates me now and that’s why he won’t speak to me anymore. The divorce is now final What should I do??
Hi Claudia!
I wish that I could advise, but I don’t have enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give advice in the comments section.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.
I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further ? The link to it is on the homepage.
All my love to you.
You’re not alone xo
Thank you so much for this article. I came across it looking online for answers. Even though I am in screwed up relationship, I continue to feel so alone. Your words have given me the courage to let go. This article made me realize that I was looking for validation. My desire for materialistic things replaced the love that I was missing. The only reason I wanted to leave him is so that he would regret all the things he said and did to make me feel unworthy. I wanted him to miss me and need me as much as I missed and needed him. I now know this is not the case. I admit that I have feelings of resentment and anger towards him, but I feel more confident and determined that I will get through this.
Hi Alexandra! I am honored to have played a part in your realizations and so glad that the post helped 🙂 You are loved, supported, backed, believed in and never, ever alone <3 Sending you big love. XOXO
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am still in the deepest of it and there are days I feel like I have THE ALIEN QUEEN living inside my chest and stomach and it’s ripping my insides apart. Every post of yours that I come across speaks straight to me. It’s almost scary how spot on they are which really does make me stop and think every single time and I think I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This one is the one that speaks to me tonight. It was a very rough week and I started questioning everything, even the obvious. Reading this put me back on track and on the road of discovery of the best possible me. The strong one who will no longer settle for less than I deserve. To not give in is just about the hardest thing. For now. I believe you when you say that it will pay off.
It WILL ?? So happy that the post helped! Thanks Michelle! xo
Hey Natasha- I love reading your work! Going through a very fresh breakup (be broke it off after I had threatened to end it and I think he felt like he lost power). He was the definition of emotionally unavailable, promised an engagement in a few months, I could go on. Do you have any articles on how they can go from talking or being with you 24/7 to completely going cold turkey, going out all the time, etc. like nothing happened? Absolutely unaffected.
Thanks so much!
Hi Steph! Thank you! I will definitely try to write about that soon. Thanks for the recommendation and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 XO
Hello Natasha,
First off- thank you so much for providing your thoughts on this matter via blogs and direct responses to comments like these. I really admire and appreciate it.
So, here it is:
My ex and I met a little more than a couple years ago. I was entering senior year of college and just returned from a summer in Asia. I was going through a bad breakup earlier that year and was rebounding through spring and summer. When I returned, I met my ex at this girl’s place, who was a really close friend but ended up being a homewrecker to our relationship in the future. This girl and my ex went to high school together.
My ex was really into me from the jump, but I was not so into him because I was really conflicted but I was always honest. Finally, in November 2015 I gave him a chance. I felt happy but a little scared because for some reason I felt like I was settling and I would focus on things I did not like about him. After the first time we had sex, he got me pregnant. I found out on New Years Day. I was really angry and hurt because I was still in college and always wanted a child and knew it couldn’t possibly happen with him. I also became resentful because at the time I was really mean and was mad at the fact that he ejaculated so fast and didn’t tell me and I ended up pregnant. He ended up having doubts at one point and gave me plan B but it was too late.
I held this grudge for a while, for about six months. I refused to have sex with him, I didn’t respect him, I went on dates, but he was still there for me. By Summer 2016, I was graduating. The girl who introduced us, left our lives for 9 months ironically because she was pissed we were together but came back saying sorry. I started hanging out with her and I thought I could trust her with all that’s happened and her and her other high school friends that my ex knows, started to tell me about personal things other girls have said about him in the past. Basically, we were all talking trash. However, I was the only one burned. They told him everything. He tried to leave me and then I realized how much of a jerk I’ve been and started to see the goodness in him that I missed all along.
I tried to get him back and it worked for a while but it was so volatile. At one point, I had to go to a hospital because of stress from graduating, being homeless, having no family support, and him. When I got out we were on our way to a resort and I found out that girl blocked me on everything. He refused to tell me what he knew and then long story short, while drunk, calls the cops on me telling them I am crazy and need to be taken away. He’s called the cops on me while being blacked out twice. We ended up making up but two days into our vacation, that chick calls and tells him I made out with a guy while we were broken up. -_-
Separate occasion, he pushed me and made me bleed and I told his mom and sent pics and he and his mom said I was crazy. He was blacked out. He got a DUI at one point too. All his family hates me and his friends do too. Just this Halloween, he took me to the hospital, he drove in 2 hours of traffic which I appreciate, but he was trying to go to the club after with all those girls I mentioned and was getting angry and impatient in the hospital room. Our argument escalated and he started recording me saying I need “see how crazy I am acting.” That lead me getting into a panic and attack because I thought he was going to show those girls the vid and then he said he “wants to hit me so bad” but never did. He also has this habit of saying “we’re never going to be together” during a simple argument and then acting like everything is okay later on. He always says I owe him for all the shit I did before and that he was in love with me but I took his dignity away,
All year it’s been going nowhere. On my birthday he told me he needed a 3-month break, 2 and 1/2 weeks later he contacts me and of course, I give in each time. That was in May. Now it’s almost December. When things are good and we’re hanging, it feels so right and so real. He’s been telling me all year that it’s up to me to change for us to be together. I need a better job, more friends, better reactions to things, better social-ques. Btw: He grew up in suburbia and I am a first-generation American. He’s 23 and I am 24.
13 days ago was when we last spoke. A couple days before that I stayed the weekend with him. I found out my father has a bad liver condition and he was “supporting me.” Everything was fine, he called me told me that we’re not together now but it was up to me to make it happen. Come Wednesday, we get into an argument that rose from thin air and he called me a “cunt”,”bitch”, “fucking joke” and blocked me on imessage. On the phone, he said he was “stringing me along and saw no future with me and that I am just some pretty face with occasional nice thoughts but has no willpower or desire to succeed.” Also he said he was only telling me I have hope because I “laid heavy shit on him about my dad and he was trying to do the right thing.” I asked him a couple days before if he was stringing me along and he said no and I know he reiterated it because he knew it would hurt me and it was different than the other bullshit he’s said before.
After he hung up, I waited an hour and did something I never did before, which was blocking him on social media. He said if I called him again he would do it so instead I did something different and cut.him.off. I just don’t understand how it was so good and I felt genuine affection and then he made it seem like it meant nothing so fast. I can’t help being upset at the fact his friends and family support this decision so much because they think I am the worst. Yes, I had made bad and hurtful decisions before, but I have paid my dues and more than that. When he’s feeling good he agrees and is very understanding. Like a blow of wind, he can change his mind and make me feel like trash. He makes it seem like his life is way-way better without me, but then he misses me for the wrong reasons that you outlined.
My question is, does it seem like I love him or am I attached to him because of our history? Do you think he meant what he said? Every time he says nasty things he says that he does it on purpose as a defense mechanism to get me from stop bugging him but he doesn’t mean it. I really think that’s a lie. As much as it hurts, I feel like he really thinks the worst of me and it sucks that none of his friends who some are my friends too, know my side and know that even though he was talking shit about me a second ago, he was probably making plans to see me. I feel used and abused. I’m currently broke and have very little support going through this. He has a great job, lots of family and friends, great car. I feel weak and I feel like I lost myself and my creativity. Sometimes I feel like I am succumbing to the things he has made me think about myself.
I am so confused, I don’t know what to believe or even which version of my ex is the true one. Thanks so much for reading this I really really appreciate it.
Best,
DazednConfused
Hi Dazednconfused!
I wish that I could answer but I have too much to say to type it all out, not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details as a lot of this involves very sensitive information/situations.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.
I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further ? The link to it is on the homepage.
All my love to you.
You’re not alone xo
Hello loves,
Great post and it’s crazy how similar all of our experiences are at times. Quick question: Natasha left her line open for the ex to reach out within a few months and decided not to respond for her a-Ha moment. I feel like I’m at a point where I’m ready to move on (for my sanity/self worth and to heal) but can’t decide whether to block or not. I feel like if I don’t, I’ll just be waiting around for him to “miss me”, setting myself up for failure because he probably won’t. If I do block, then I’ll not only never hear from him again and get the satisfaction of not responding but I have a feeling he’ll reach out nonchalantly as if every thing is cool and will be greeted with the harsh reality of being cut off. Feels petty. JW your thoughts on blocking. Thanks babes.
Hi Jay! I wish that I had the time to answer as extensively as I would like. Please read my post on emotional investments. Do some “emotional cost assessment,” and make the best decision for YOU. Love to you. xx
I swear every time my broken heart Google’s about any kind of fuckboy/narcissism and how to deal with it I end up here. I am ever so grateful! I might as well be writing this! I looove your blog, ty sooo much, I don’t feel so alone and can try to better understand why I am this way and “love” and accept “love” the way I do.
I am very much inspired in my writing despite or b/c of the horrible emotional and manipulative pain I am going through right now b/c of some horrible narcissist that is clearly beneath me and the majority of the people he fucks over. I think inlove his wife more than he does, I don’t know how in Aphrodite’s blue heaven she puts up with it unless its sone kind of arranged marriage or she just stopped loving him. I need to let him go..I need help he put a wormnin my brain…
Thank you! 🙂 i’m so happy that the posts have helped! xox
WOW! This was esxactly the kind of reading I needed! I know you’re right, I have been telling myself the sames things over and over again, but somehow, having someone else saying them, feels better. It makes me feel less alone in this world.
I just have one question though, that I cannot really put my mind off. As you stated, I analysed my situation, I asked myself a hundred times if I really wanted him back. I found out that no, even if I am hurting and was completely blindsided by the breakup, if he showed up here tomorrow, I would not take him back. But still, I cannot put my ego at peace. I keep thinking that if he has not reached out for all this time (it has been nearly 2 months since we broke up and last spoke), I was nothing to him completely. I mean, he is not even looking for me for sex, for nothing at all. My ego cannot stand that he can live his life without him (I have had no contact with him or his friends and he is not using any social media so I have no clue what he is doing) and I think I am going mad. WHAT CAN I DO?
For now, I’ll sure print this out.as a reminder that he was just an emotionally unavailable guy.
(Sorry for my English!)
So happy it helped! 🙂 Thanks Elena! Your English is perfect. I wish that I had the time to advise. Thank you for understanding and just keep coming back here to the blog. You are never alone. XX
Hi Natascha,
I recently discovered your blog. I feel like I’m going crazy. I dated my ex for two and a half years. He claimed he always loved me since university days and waited seven years to date me. Needless to say when I moved to his town, he was in a relationship. He landed up cheating on that girl with me and left her for me. (Red flag). I paid for most things, used my car, he barely contributed always seemed like he was in an emotional limbo land. Things got better for about a year- then I had work drama, health issues, he barely supported me. Always his gym, his work etc. He never communicated with me during the relationship yet told my family his intentions were to marry me. Then towards the end of last year just before a certain other female moved to town and things fell apart. Suddenly he had been unhappy for months, and I had noticed for months he had a wandering eye I would bring it up and he’d always say I’m so insecure. Always my fault. What woman wants to hold her man’s hand while he looks at every other female while we walk down the road, then when I wanted to chat about it he’d say if I can’t trust him he can’t be with me. Why was he looking to begin with? Why was he telling me half truths? He dumped me after a fight. Walked out. Didn’t want to talk about it. Literally disappeared. Changed his cell number so I couldn’t text and get closure. Around the time the new girl moved to town, his flatemate was also planning to get engaged to his girlfriend, my ex knew this but didn’t tell me. So not only was I dumped, blamed for everything I had to witness the engagement knowing he had promised the same thing to me but bailed when it became a reality, I also had to deal with him literally cutting me out of his life at 30 when I had dreams and hopes and expectations. After two years together he told me the expectations were too high, suddenly when there’s a new option. He’s on the downlow- but I know him and this new girl is posting things totally related to him, I see elements of him in all her stuff- even gone as far as going to the same restaurant I’ve been too and posted about on social media, a couple days after I’ve been there. Its almost like she’s subtly rubbing it in my face. It’s become so vindictive. He has no care, he’s cruel. And basically repeated the same pattern he did in the beginning when he cheated on his first girlfriend with me when I moved to town. Like clockwork with this new girl moving to town he’s repeated the same pattern after all the promises he made me and my family. I did tell him that I know he’s repeated the same patterns to which I was blocked on messenger. There’s no accountability for what he’s done to me, what he promised. All I got was “I’m so deeply sorry” “I’m not the man for you” and he literally started a new life with a new cellphone number two weeks later and left me shattered. Please help. I thought this was my husband and best friend- that we could get through anything. Oh yes- and when I put on some weight from stress and my underactive thyroid I was told I need to get on shape and I must tone- he’s a gym addict and obviously my slight weight gain wasn’t acceptable. Now I sit at 30 watching all my friends get engaged and married when he promised it would happen for us this year then he bailed and started a new life in such a drastic manner. Please help.
How can a person forget all our memories? Just walk away and start dating someone new. He was cagey with his phone at times, I have a gut feel that he was chatting up others before he left. He also said I must respect his decision to leave. If he was so unhappy why did he stay and continues to use my money, sleep with me, stay in my parents home on weekends if he wasn’t invested? He literally ran away. He knows I know he’s with someone so why is he trying to hide and be so low key? I cannot wrap my brain around how on Friday he loved and adored me with all his heart and a day later it was over and he vanished into thin air. My health has taken a turn. I need to heal. How does one come out on top after such a sneaky betrayal? P.s. Apologies for typos in first email. X
Hi Maxime!
I wish that I could answer/advise but I have too much to say to type it all out, not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give direct advice in the comments section.
Thanks for your love, for reading, and for your understanding. Other readers are here to support you and I do offer one-on-one coaching if you are interested. Link to it is on the home page.
All my love to you sister.
You are not alone xo
You’re the best, Natasha. This really helped me at a low moment. Thanks!!
So happy it helped! 🙂 Thanks Gigi! xx
Your post is the most helpful thing I have found after going through a breakup recently. very empowering, very beatuful words and advise.
I had a relationship with a guy for a year and he was more crazy about me and messaged me more than I did. Eventually I fell in love, just to hear from him ” I just like u”. But i never forced him to say its love. He did tell me few times that he loves me when he was emotional. But he would deny it that he used that word “love” next day. I felt may be he has different idea about love so didnt care to make him realize. But i knew he loved me as well coz he was the one messaging me n showing so much emotion and missing me and wanting to meet me everytime and saying I am so pretty and perfect combination.
he would force me to tell “I love u” and then he would reply “i just like u a lot, I cant love” and act like I was the one after him. Whereas he was the one showing so much love.
One day he was so emotional about me and expressing how bad he misses me . Then next day he says he has been chatting with this girl for a month and fell in “love” .When I said how can that be coz u only messaged me yesterday with so much emotion then he says ” no actually I was missing her ” .
I cant believe, if he was missing her Y not msg her? Y msg me n pour all his love for me and say later he was actually thinking of her? He even asked me to call him and hear my voice that day and asked me my pictures so if he was pretedning that I was her then y hear my voice n see my pictures? plus this girl is real the way he describes where he lives n how she is and all. Why would she also tell him she loves him in a “month” . In a month u just start to know a person.
My heart just broke. And he says she is not pretty. I dont know why because he always liked pretty and hot girls ! He doesnt want to marry her or do anything with her either! He says he doesnt lust her! But he lusted me a lot !
So confusing !
So why would he fall for a girl he doesnt even find pretty!
1 year with me n he acted like he cant fall in love with me n this new girl he met just a month ago n he fell in love??? so we broke up n now he is acting all cool n no contact while I m the one suffering! I cant believe how/why he thinks he loves her when he was so afraid to use that word with me. Feel like he is such manipulater and lier !
Hi Jenny!
I’m so happy that this post helped 🙂 I wish that I had the time to answer your questions. Other readers are here to support you. You are understood, believed in, supported, and never alone. All my love to you sister. xox
Omg chick, I am only half way through this article and am now and forever a fan! Thank you, THANK YOU your words and insights have answered several questions I plauged myself with. Can’t wait to finish reading. Keep up the phenomenal work!
????
Woah! So glad I found this right now. Just got out of a relationship with a guy just like this. Was with him for 5 1/2 years. Cheated on me and lied to me every chance he could get. I forgave him every time. Of course he’s the “emotionally unavailable” type to a T. Awesome read!
Happy it helped! 🙂 Thanks Megan! xoxo
Hi Natasha!
This is what I’ve always wanted to hear/read. Not the typical ‘he’s trash, why do you miss him?’, ‘why are you still in love with a cheater’, ‘he’s going to regret what he did, just wait’. I soooo want to see him feel bad about it, but at the same time I just don’t care. It’s like I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It’s been a month already since we broke up, he left me for another girl he met for 2 days but now they’re not together as a couple, just as friends, the way he did with me. Is it okay if I tell her that that’s the way he does everyone? She knew I was with him, but she still talked to him and acted all innocent when I told her about us. I mean, they have equal minds I guess… Cause he denied me and she just acted all innocent. They fooled me. I don’t know if I want her to live what I did. She seems so in love. I cut everything I had with him. Friends, stopped talking to his family, I don’t even wanna hang out with people who knew him or us. I don’t wanna come back to that, but I kind of feel bad for her.
Hi Alejandra! Thank you! I’m so happy that the post helped 🙂 All my love to you soul sis! xoxo
I wish that I had the time to directly advise in the comments section. I would need more details, but based off what you said, I would leave it be as far as the situation goes. xoxo
Thank you…the article was helpful..I was in need of this….what a relief…thanks again
Happy it helped! 🙂 xoxo
Natasha,
I am never one to leave comments on blog posts but this really struck a chord in my heart. Thank you, I repeat, THANK YOU for helping me understand my self worth, my peace, and my strength. I was in a four year relationship with someone I was about to get engaged to. Needless to say, I was a wreck when he ultimately ended things with me for “my own good”. For weeks I’ve been in constant agony and depression but you’ve really shined the light on what seemed to me as an dark, endless tunnel. Thank you for helping me realize I am better than this selfish person who has never fully treated me the way I deserve to be treated.
Will be an avid reader of your liberating blog!
XX,
KK
Hi KK!
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m happy that the blog has helped and so sorry that you are going through this all, while completely in awe of your strength and awareness. Keep coming back here to the blog – It will help. Myself and other readers are here to support you.
You are understood, loved, empathized with, backed, believed in, rooted for, and never, ever alone in this (or ever).
Thank you for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you. xxxx
I’m so glad that I have came across your blog. It’s really opened my eyes.
I ended things with an emotionally unavailable f*cktard in February and it’s been hell. Even though I was the one who initiated the breakup, I feel as if I’m the one whose hurting more than him.
He didn’t seem to care when I tried to end things and that convinced me that he’s not the right man for me. It hurts like hell because I was crazy about him and adored him and didn’t even receive 10% of what I gave to him. For months I kept questioning myself and analysing and reanalysing of where I went wrong, and what did I do to make him suddenly lose interest in me :(. But after readings your blog posts it’s helped me understand that his behaviour has nothing to do with me.
He made me feel as if I’m not relationship material but he’s the one who has failed in his marriage after two years, and also failed in his relationship with me. I just want to be how I was before he entered my life. I want to be happy again.
Hi Haifa! I’m so happy that the posts have helped 🙂
His behavior has nothing to do with you and everything to do with where HE is at. You WILL be happy again.
If I can get through it, so.can.YOU.
All my love to you. Thank you for existing, for sharing, and for being a part of this tribe. XOXO
Hi Natasha,
This post has been an amazing wake up call for me! It’s been a month since the break up and it was my first relationship. I’ve been sad and obsessed in googling trying to get my ex back, or how to move on..blah blah. I just felt so pathetic feeling like I’m putting all these efforts in trying to understand the break up whilst trying to move on.. but also want him back…then he’s not missing me at all… ugh I’m just sick of this! Then tonight I finally came across this post (guess I googled the right terms lol), and it really woke me up! I especially loved the part “If he REALLY misses you in the kind of way that you deserved to be missed….”. I really do deserve more! Like you said I want someone to wants to be with me NOW, not later!
Thank you so much Natasha! I’ll follow you for more motivational and inspirational posts!
Yawen xx
Hi Yawen! YAYYY! 🙂 I am so happy and honored to help. There are other posts that will help too; you’re not alone. Thank you for sharing and thank you for your love, support, and for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you. xx
Natasha,
I’m a thinker and constant analyzer so like you discussed, I have been in constant “why,” “my love isn’t enough” mode. Your comment “Be with someone that’s willing to, if need be, address their issues right away because the thought of not being with you and having to miss you for reals is not something that he ever, ever wants to feel or deal with. That’s what you deserve.” was so powerful I have been swallowing my needs and making excuses for so long that I forgot that I deserve someone who put as much into the relationship as I did. I was the texter, I was the caller, I remembered to do kind things for his family without asking, I accepted changes to plans because of his drinking and so many other things… I now realize that I deserve the same attention, care, and kindness. My needs shouldn’t come at the cost of his demons and issues. I worked so hard to try to salvage what we had, but he couldn’t give me an inch. I let him go to work on his demons, but god I miss him and find myself asking those same questions! This blog helped me to remember me and that i’m important and always was…
Bless you and your insights…
Hi Suz! I am so happy that the post served you 🙂 Thank you for sharing and for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you <3 You are never alone. xo
Natasha, thank you for your time and effort in creating this blog! I will read this page every single day to stay strong. In particular I will keep this quote close to me . “This is why I always say- If you want an emotionally unavailable guy to have one clue of what he put you through – cut.him.off. It’ll get him in the only place it will ever hurt (since he lacks empathy): his ego.” thank u, thank u, thank u! The PRICK drove me absolutely insane. He changed me from a cool, calm, collected person into a chasing lunatic and then broke up with me saying that I was too jealous and it was not healthy. He twisted everything and then threw it back in my face knowing full well he’d done a number on ME. Luckily for me he broke with me and I immediately had the sense to go RS. He doesn’t deserve my response, my words. He deserves nothing. Good eff’ing riddance.
YES! I want to hug and high 5 you simultaneously ?
I am so happy to help. Thanks for your love, support, and for being a part of this tribe. xox
Here goes nothing. I am providing the abridged version of the last decade of my life with the f*tard that tried to destroy me. First let me say that I am a practicing clinical therapist. I do private practice and because of this, admitting that I am human is difficult because “I should know better”. My emotionally unavailable narcissistic ex met me at age 22… he is 3 years younger. He was not my “type” and chased me for almost a year until I let my guard down. I will also preface this by saying that I admittedly have battled with insecurities (i used to weigh 280 lbs and lost 120 lbs naturally). However, I had some amazing experiences of sharing my weight loss story (tv, magazines) and so when I met him I felt more at peace with who I was than in my entire young life. Regardless, I did not realize I was seeking validation from others still that I was “enough” or worthy of someone’s love. Everyone always looks at the package first so I spent my life trying to internally and externally be the best version of myself. He made me feel beautiful even with the insecurities I still had (excess skin from weight loss). He was always good at finding what I was insecure or unsure about and encouraging me or telling me “you know you got this”. Fast forward 10 years later (I am 32 now). Our first 2 years together he moved in to my apartment. He started to act distant… to which I found out on social media that he was having an affair with a girl we worked with… and everyone knew but me. I kicked him out… and of course was a mess. 5 months later the calls began that he was young immature and just missed me as a friend. I ended up giving him advice about how to make things work with his new gf (yes the girl he cheated on me with)… but in the end… I became the other woman and he began cheating on her with me. He made a terrible mistake, he always loved me just got caught up blah blah blah. He chased again… and I caved and went back as if “I won”… yea big prize. He decided that he needed discipline and direction… enlisted in the military… and a few months later I drove him to base as his gf… now being the military gf. He asked me to go with him but I said “figure out your life… you need to do this on your own”. It was hard… I had his mother constantly calling me asking if I heard from him… which I did in memoirs of letters professing how he thanked god I gave him another chance and he wanted to be the man I deserved. He was in the military for 4 years… 2 years in… found out again through social media that he was having another affair with an army girl. Pictures… videos… the trauma. I told him he was the devil and purged my life of him. Blocked his number. And tried to rebuild what was broken in me. 6 months later I began receiving mysterious calls from weird long digit numbers. I answered on Christmas Eve… and you got it… 6 months later even though he was blocked was calling me from another number in Afghanistan. He called me deployed on Christmas… talk about manipulative. He was crying and said he just wanted to hear my voice… he made a terrible mistake she meant nothing bla bla bla. A year later he asked if I would come to see him and he would pay for my ticket… I did. And I’ll just fast forward to the you are the love of my life I have seen death and I am a mature man now… he came home about 2 years ago to which now I moved to another apartment above my family. Yep… moved right in. All the promises of I was the woman he wanted to marry he had a ring fund wanted children. My family treated him like gold. A year later he became a cop… did not go to his graduation as we weren’t invited. His mother passed suddenly… wasn’t invited. He said he was a rookie and had to work every day… only man I knew who worked 7 days per week right. And excuses of “it’ll get easier… when I am on the job longer…” bla bla. Needless to say my famous line was “I’ll see you in my dreams” because the only time I saw him was when he came to bed. This last New Years I received a blocked call with a girl who said “I just wanted to let you know that you’re bf is a lying, cheating, piece of crap… happy f*ing new year”… and hung up. Don’t know who this girl was still. He came home and I said I was done. He gave some excuse that the girl was another girl he cheated on me with from before the military. Bla Bla. He said he understood why I was upset… acted like he took accountability for never truly processing the cheating from the past. And more currently how due to his sudden lack of communication he was making me feel insecure on his own. He swore he had not cheated since the military… but I said how would a girl from 6 years ago get my new number?… yea … no real explanation for that. He cried and said for once he was being a man and just working for us… and he wanted to work it out as now he claimed he came home to build a life with me. I stayed. 55 days later… he broke up with me saying “you save lives I destroy them… you can’t be happy with me… my circumstances have changed… I don’t know if I want to get married or have kids”… and in a month he moved out. He begged to stay friends… to give him time and to revisit “us” when he got himself together. 3 months later of pop-ins for sex… telling me “thank you for being the woman I will always be in love with”… “I will marry you god forbid you get pregnant”… but hey any conversation about what his “new circumstances” were never amounted to anything other than “I don’t know”. I told him a month ago that I couldn’t do this anymore. That I didn’t know him and maybe I never really did. It started to affect my work with clients and there unfortunately is still a stigma about a therapist needing a therapist. I’m sharing my story just to show that heartbreak and knowing and feeling can be totally misaligned. I am having nightmares every night and waking up thinking him leaving and not trying to contact me at all is just a bad dream. But… I then realize how real this is. I do thank him for having the strength to let go… because I couldn’t. I know in the end I deserve more… it is more difficult I find when you are so self-aware but your heart has its own brain. I think about this every day… and am trying to get to the point of indifference as I believed I once was… but every time I went back it chipped away another piece of me. My goal is that I can put the pieces back together to become someone so much more unique and beautiful… but in my eyes. Natasha, thank you for your realism as sometimes even us professionals have hidden hurts. And thank you to all of the “tribe” for sharing your stories and this journey is a lonely process… but I know I am not alone.
Be well.
Heather,
I can’t thank you enough for sharing. Thank you for your connection, kindness, support, and for being a part of this tribe ?? I am so happy and honored to have helped – especially given your professional background. You are never, ever alone. All my love to you sister. xo
Heather, I didn’t divulge into my story but this sounds so familiar and hit me so deeply upon reading. Best wishes to you.
Eli-
Best wishes to you too. Human connection and understanding is something key to healing. No one is alone here. It does get easier and how we envision our own value becomes clear when it is not clouded with toxicity. My goal was not for the pain to all go away but for the intensity to decrease… and it does. Please be kind to yourself.
I had a relationship with my bf for 7 years. It was not one sided. We both loved each other. we used to stay in contact in 24 hours i mean we knew about each other that where we are and what we were doing. after 7 years in march 18 we decided to get married. please note that its being a long distance relation after initial 2 years. i was so happy and he seemed happy too. but just before a month in Feb he got changed and started avoiding me. I couldnt understand. for 4 months on and off we were in contact. i used to ask him if he has someone else in life so please let me know so that i can understand something. plesae note that he never had alcohol before. but he said there is no one and he is just focusing on his job. but 2 weeks back i saw a new contact on his facebook and insta. i contacted that girl and she told me they had only one dinner and had alcohol as well and met through a dating app. It was a shock for me that he was using a dating app… after knowing all this i talked to him and tried to make him realize what he was doing ….we had 7 years of togetherness and memories but he didnt care for anything. i have a lot of things which he gave me and he has a lot of stuff which i gave me…..now we are not in contact……i miss him al the time as he was first man in my life and we planned our life together. I wonder if he misses me too after we both lived a lot of momemts together!!!! I dont want to admit but i wait for his text or call and apologies all the time!!!
please help me to understand i cant believe he left me after 7 great years and commitment of lifetime
Thank you!
XOXO
Jesus I keep coming back to this blog post and it continues to be painfully relevant. Especially reading about others experiences with late 20-something year old emotionally unavailable narcissistic men who have never had a wholly committed girlfriend until the one they exploit – us. My ex and I were together 3.5 years and then got back together for 2 months after a year break only for it to spiral out of control again. He would have every excuse under the sun not to include me in outings, essentially hiding me from his friends (some of whom I was/am also friends with so it was so silly), never prioritize me or our relationship first, gaslight my narratives when I explained why my feelings were hurt, insult the hell out of me verbally during arguments; digging up random things about my lesser-than-him mistakes flaws or irrelevant issues from past fights (often very cheap shots/low blows) and manipulate everyone around us to think I was “crazy” despite the constant antagonizing he was employing. Silent treatments and jealousy lures while we were on poor terms during the relationship? Always. And he made it seem accidental. Eventually he’d cough something up that alluded to recognition of the bad behavior when I expressed what it meant to be a good person. But unlike my apologies (I’d apologize for my escalating in an argument or whatever I could apologize for – because I’ve taught youth for years and generally leading by example will open up the other party) he however would never apologize. This moment always backfired. Instead he’d say things like, “Well I’m sorry you feel that way.” One time he actually said aloud, “I’ll spite you til the day I die.”
But damn did something horrible came over me..love or pheromones? I feel it was as intense as described in Twilight books (lol I know, how old am I?) like I “imprinted” on him. I still love the laughter and good times we had together, which were many. But how scary it is to think much if it was superficial to him in the scheme of things… while they were so deeply engraved as important in my memories. Bewildering to think he feels no remorse for the horrible things he said and did to me, that to him it was all a dramatic game that always amounted to him winning when I’d forgive so easily. It is stupid how much I let him walk all over me in order to “make up” just so I could receive alleviation for the emotional pain that was burning me.. so I could hear him say “I love you” to ease the pain. Let me tell you all reading, you cannot truly ease pain from the knife that wounded you. A knife will never be a bandaid. The person you are suffering from is probably mentally unwell, and the disposition he’s cursed with is marked by egoism. He will not be healing, growing more empathetic, loving, or “come around” because everything is “your fault” not his.
I’m here to say it’s not all your fault. Remember: a knife will never be a bandaid. Keep it movin beauts~ Stay strong. We’ve got to learn from the past and be with people who cherish us just as much as we them. Side note: maybe this is a societal problem. I’m sure that’s a blog post somewhere..
Thank you so much for sharing Eli, and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 Read my latest post on Limerence. It will help further. All my love to you. You’re not alone. XOXO
This post designated with me on every aspect. I was cheated on then dumped by a guy a couple weeks ago and it’s extremely painful. We were only together for 7 months but it was a very intense relationship. Finally thought I found the right person. Within one day, he decided to cheat on me with his ex-wife, dump me to go back to her. This compeletely came out of left field, never saw this coming. It’s devasting and I feel so betrayed. I’m not sure how to move forward right now.
Keep coming back here to the blog Evie. You are not alone <3 and if I can get through it, so.can.you. Big love and hugs to you. xo
Thank you SO much for this. I’ve put it as a bookmark and whenever I feel the idiotic urge to check on him on social media or think about him, I’ll read this. Just to remind myself again what a fuckface this guy is. How he doesn’t ever deserve my love, even though there are so many “reasons” why he behaves the way he does.
Happy it helped! Thanks Abbey 🙂 You’re never alone. xo
Thank you so much for this post. I come back to it every few months when my find my mind start to wonder about him and what he’s up to and why I haven’t heard from him. This article always helps to set my mind back on-track and not wonder about him anymore. Thank you!
I’m so happy it helps 🙂 You are never alone Ashley. Thanks for being a part of this tribe. xo
I have read this post over and over in the last week. The guy I had been dating for over a year who I adored and thought adored me the same way had been cheating on me the whole time. He left his phone at my house one morning, and though we searched for a long time we just figured it was dead and we would find it at some point. I found it not 10 minutes after he left, and something told me I had to look. After reading a text from some woman I called him at work and told him to come get his stuff!! I was livid!!!! His only response was “we will talk about it tonight” After spending hours searching through all of it and seeing it all clearly in front of me in black and white, I knew I couldn’t stay with him. This wasn’t your normal cheat, this man had a secret life. A weird sex addiction that made me sick the more I looked. I knew there wasn’t one thing he could say that would make me feel better and I knew there wasn’t anything I could say to him that would make me feel better. I erased everything of me from that phone. My contact info, my texts, my calls, any pictures of me, all of it. I then carefully bagged up all his things he had left at my house and sat it outside. I KNOW this was the right thing to do. I KNOW you can’t fix broken. A part of me is incredibly proud that I know my worth, and recognized a real dealbreaker when I saw it. But still I struggle wondering what he is thinking and if he regrets what he did. I struggle thinking I had to have been stupid not to see red flags that only began to appear to me in hindsite. It’s so hard to separate this man who makes me sick from the man I absolutely loved. I’m mourning the person who I thought he was, and I’m mourning the loss of a future I really believed we had. AND, It sucks!!!!
I just want you to know that I have googled a million different things, and until I stumbled on this blog nothing really helped. Your straight forward no BS approach is like a balm on my wounded heart. So thank you??
Hi Jess!
I am so happy and honored to have helped 🙂 Thank YOU for being a part of this tribe and for your love, support, sisterhood, and connection.
It does suck but you are not alone in this (or ever!). And you will come out the other end, more powerful and confident than ever before. If I can do it, so.can.you. You got this. XOXO
Hello everyone …
I’m so thankful I found this! I’m hurting ….. like may want to get some help because I’m not okay . I met someone treated him like a kind , he introduced me to his family got along with his daughter’s mom, had a wonderful relationship with his daughter and he “stepped out “ on me …. I had ended things with him got bitter see we’re on a family plan my niece his daughter him and myself . Phones shut down ! I changed his number so I’m not tempted to call him …. shut the whole account down . See when I’m sad I get real upset like petty only because I’m hurt . I’m in a better situation than him and we’re from two different sides of town … but I saw something in him and fell in LOVE .. I’m hurt that I invited him into my home my private life … my private world … I’m embarrassed ti admit that I miss …. and I am waiting for him to contact me … every time the phone rings I think it’s been him .
This happened March 3 2019 and Monday makes three weeks without talking to him. Every little thing reminds me of him … I feel so stupid because I’m sitting here waiting. I don’t know …. just so much going through my mind. But what happens if he doesn’t contact me ? Does that mean it was all a lie . The worse part is …. I have nightmares that he’s shot dead and yes he knows I love him ( well I hope he knows ) but I never got to say buy there are several times I wake up in the middle of the night upset …. in tears and I’m just not sure how to help myself.
Hi Natasha,
So just last week my ex broke up with me. His reasons being that he doesn’t want to keep hurting me, he’s done, and things don’t feel the same anymore. Days prior before that I found out he kept all the girls he would sext before meeting me on his snapchat, when I found out he apologized and said he would delete them all. When I checked to see if he actually did. He lied and they were all still there and he admitted to even talking to them when we argued this one time. So he dumped me after I made a fool of myself and begged him to stay. He told me cared so much about me, I mean a lot, and he was sobbing telling me its over (he never gets emotional) but he said he had to do it…Fast forward to now, I have not contacted him since the breakup. I unfollowed him on instagram (seeing his likes and posts would hurt me too much so I did what I had to do). He still follows me, but It’s not just that. Every time I post something on my story on insta, he’s always the first or near to the first to view it. Even if I posted something within the first five minutes he’ll view it. It’s like he’s keeping tabs on me and it’s driving me insane wondering if he still cares or misses or if he’s just checking up on me. I have no clue, but I don’t want to talk to him. I miss him so fucking much, and so him stalking me on insta is too confusing.
Thank you, Natasha. These words were just about all I needed to spark… light the fire on this break up journey:
“Is ignoring an emotionally unavailable man the only way to move on?”
“First, you need to understand that obsessing over and missing anyone who doesn’t recognize your worth is like crying because you took a crap and now you have to say goodbye to it and flush. That’s how ridiculous it is.” Absolutely perfect.
In the past, I would hold on to and ruminate over everything, for a long time. This time, I cut the cord, ok maybe it was with kid scissors. Somehow, the cord still had a few threads hanging on with words like “I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to say goodbye. I am missing you. I just need to get my shit together. Everything is tough right now. I really like you. I want things to continue. I want to remain friends. I don’t want any pressure. Have a great day, night, breakfast, walk, sleep “love” .” You get the picture, a month of complete chaos, confusion, and mind f#*ckery. FINALLY, I took those really sharp sewing scissors like grandmas from the 1950s had, and cut the cord. Social media and all. Feels great, and like crap all at the same time, but it is for the better. Better men will come along.
I do have a question for you. How do I deal with having to see him on a weekly basis at a sports practice? I can’t really hide out and totally disappear, as much as I’d like to. Any thoughts?
Love your writing, thoughts, suggestions, and frank support on here. It has been some of the most helpful advice I’ve read in 4 years of post-divorce dating. Thank you!
Hi Angela!
I’m so glad that the posts have been helpful. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. I wish that I had the time to advise here in the comments (thank you for your understanding and kindness). In this instance, if you can’t create physical distance, you have to create emotional distance. Will try to write a post on this soon. Also, my No Contact Contract course on natashaadamo.com will help with this. All my love to you. xxo
Thank you for this, it helped a little. So my ex and I have a long history. We were talking for like 2 years and in those two years, we were dating for 3 months long distance. And most of those two years was him trying so hard to get me and me rejecting him. But once in a while, I would give in because I did like him so much. But I’m an athlete and I was trying to have no distractions and I knew he wasn’t good for me. Anyways around the start of May this year we started talking like seriously, (again all of this is long distance and I haven’t seen him in two years) And we were flirting a lot. And then I went to an academy that I train in (in the US and I live in Dubai) He also came there and he was like oh IM coming there with this girl I think you’ll really like her. I didn’t think anything of it until my coach’s wife the next day told me they are dating. Long story short I was confused and I confronted him and it hurt me, I was in pain and trying to get through it because I really liked him. Then after a week of dealing with seeing him with her, I went back home and we kept in touch. Then three days later his girlfriend at the time left to go back home where this guy also lives. And when she left he put them on a break. He started talking to me again like you know flirting and stuff. And then went back home talked to her, and everyone thought he was going to break up with her because he liked me so much. However, he went there talked to her and got back together with her. Anyways there was a big drama but he eventually said that he couldn’t break up with her because she was there and he didn’t want to hurt her blah blah blah, and he said that he really liked me and he knew what he wanted and that’s me. Anyways we decided to try and make it work, but I told him to take space to clear his head. (again all long-distance) Then after a week, we talked again and we decided to stay friends because he said he liked me a lot but the distance is too much so I agreed and I said okay that is actually a good thing to do. Anyways we talked for a while and things started to get serious again, like flirting and stuff. And we were doing really really good, we were both really really happy. And then he left for college, he’s going to a military school, we talked a lot, and they what they call hell week so I couldn’t contact him for a week. During that week I wrote him a letter. I sent it to him and it reached last Wednesday so it took a while. Anyway, we were talking and things were really good, then he seemed to be getting a bit depressed and I understood and tried to be nice and be there for him. Then he started to get distant and be cold and I didn’t want to be rude or anything to him because I thought he was depressed and I didn’t want to make it worse for him so I tried to be understanding and be there for him. Then a couple of days ago my friend texts me she’s like I have to tell you something important, she says I know this is going to hurt you but I have to tell you what’s going on, so she told me that this guy was flirting with my friend’s friend who he met at a tournament. I got mad, upset and sad at the same time. I didn’t know what to say what to do. Because we weren’t dating because of the distance, we were talking like boyfriend and girlfriend but didn’t put labels on because of the distance. So anyway my friend said you have to say something to him it’s not ok. So I decided I would, She helped me put a text together so I sent it to him, and he didn’t even open it and then I saw that he had blocked me. So in his case, he doesn’t know that I know anything at all. I’m so hurt confused and lost and broken. Then the next day I got a notification that he added me again, and when I went to check it, it was still showing blocked. I’m hurt, broken, I feel like I’m falling apart, I know I have to let him go, but I love him, and it kills me to let him go because I love him more than I love myself. I’m trying to stay strong, but I just want to hear from him, I want to talk to him and tell him how I feel, I want him to know how disrespected I feel and how hurt I am and how much pain im in because of him, I want answers I want to know why, I want to be able to ask him, but only if he texts me.
Please help me and give me some advice. I know theres a lot to read here but I’m really struggling so please please help me.
My dad didn’t come back yet and I wonder why, hes been gone for years but I was sure that this time, this time he would come back…after all I had done everything he had asked for. Then just as I said that I heard a loud BAM! from the front door. I was in my attic and I knew that it had to be my father.
Girl you hit the nail on the head with this one. I feel like a million bucks right now . I slept with this guy eventually that I met through some mutual friend’s and it was long distance.. 3 hours away, and we chatted for weeks and it was intense for me , he invited me down and a cted really cold when I got there I guess I didn’t know him physically enough , and I was low on self worth so I still slept with him with I enjoyed , he contacted me one time then when I got back to the my city he contacted me I was upset and he said if I was cathing feeling’s we could end it so I did.. 2017 , I was devastated at how he acted for 6 months and it Dunkin me even later . Now I’ve moved back to the city where I’m from and he see me in a club a and stares at me all night , when I got ready to leave he rushes to the fry of the line to leave but let’s everyone go out and stop’s and just stare at me I rolled my head and eyes and walked out he followed and went his separate way.
YES! Good for you Michele! 🙂 So happy that this post helped. xox
Is there a chance someone who has been involved with you for two months only could miss me?
He was very into me and I knew he really liked me a lot physically and personally. But after the first night (that went well, we slept 3 times together that same night, he even complimented me about my “skills”) he went AWOL.
I tried confronting him about it and he came up with many excuses but he said he really liked me, that I was cool and very pretty and thus he hesitated in trying again. Eventually he stopped chatting a few days after saying this.
We are confined here (I live in Europe) so there’s no way he found someone else.
I know he’s not right for me and I should NOT date him but I’d like to have the satisfaction that he still thinks of me and even regrets having messed up when he let me go. Is that a possibility?
I don’t think he’s genuinely mean or he meant to hurt me, he just seems to be a very unstable man with lots of fears… but I can’t help wishing him to regret.
I think it would uplift me a lot (I know how insane this sounds) if he tried to reach back to me. If he doesn’t, to me it means he moved on and I’m not even in his mind anymore. And I think it hurts more that way.
So is there a chance he could be missing me at the moment? (“Break up” happened 2 weeks ago). Is there a chance this type of man could try to come back?
There is a chance but I would have to know more details.
You are not alone Deya. Will try to write more about this soon. All my love to you, soul sis. xo
Wow thank you so much for writing this! This was everything I was looking for, I spent so much time and money on this guy who was 6 years older than me and he was my first boyfriend. I loved him with my everything but he acted as if he was single and lied about everything. He really didn’t love me and I even stayed with him for a while longer after realizing because I thought it was better to have him and have it be a one sided love than go through heart break. He only cared about image and everyone around him was only their to make him look good. Even with the break up I got the standard ok. Thank you for writing this I needed it
So happy that this post helped! It’s what I live for <3
Thanks from the bottom of my heart Eva - for being a part of this tribe and for being YOU. xox
And thank you for helping others by sharing your story <3
Thank you SO MUCH, Natasha. After a recent breakup, and about 10 years of ups and downs in relationships – I found this blog and I am forever grateful. I used to just hop to the next relationship ASAP after a breakup instead of dealing with the emotional baggage and clearly this was not working! I have read so many of your posts in the past week and they have helped me to realize that I have a pattern of dating emotionally unavailable men and I really didn’t even realize it, because of how “normal” it feels when I am in one! I have never felt so empowered and strong to move forward in the best way possible and not overlook red flags/ make excuses for bad behavior anymore! I swear you are an angel for making this blog <3
Hi Jade!
THANK YOU so much for taking the time to share. I’m so happy that the posts have helped 🙂
This is what I live for – to give everything that I wish I would have had.
You are loved, supported, understood, and never, ever alone. Thank you for your love and support.
Thank you for being you.
I hope that you and your loved ones are safe/healthy during this time. All my love to you. xox
Thank you!! Thank you!!! I couldn’t verbalize or pinpoint what I was feeling…And why I was feeling it…it was such a blessing to come across your article…This has given me a level of understanding that I’m so appreciative of…I can’t believe how the validation of a toxic man that I cut off could send me into depression or self doubt…But I now see exactly where I am and I will survive this…I deserve better that that.
YES!! 🙂 So happy it helped!! xox
Wow this really hit me to the core!! Amen ??
Replace your sadness with anger and eventually, that anger will be replaced with indifference.
Indifference is the ultimate liberation.
Happy it helped! Thanks Kimberlyana 🙂 xo
This article was great! I definitely can resonate, we were together for four years and he was the one that called it quits because he had claimed that he was unhappy and hurt about the abuse that we did to each other. He was my first boyfriend, but i wasn’t his first and i thought everything was normal. His manipulation, his emotional abuse, treated me as a student because I didn’t have my life together while he did. His goals and his ambition was always superior than I was. He would comment on my insecurities and weaponize me. It’s totally bizarre on how him leaving had left me devastated when I was the one that hurt the most, but still acted as his cheerleader regardless. It’s so weird, he had erased me in the relationship anyways, never any talks about the future, just vague comments and i guess that should have been a red flag for me to have left years ago, but again, we were in our 20s. Now, I doin’t know what to do. My worth is still tangled in his lack of validation. I no longer have the old me, and i don’t know who this new person is, was it conjured by him? I get into the hole. why didn’t he love me? Why did he say that he didn’t want to see any girls after me, so he can heal from his own trauma, but is still doing it anyways?
I wish I can stop feeling like I need him to come back… what do I do? I know in my heart he won’t, there was too much pain from both parties. We both put our hands on each other and said awful things to each other. There’s so much resentment. I pleaded for months before finally cutting him off saying that I will change, but he didn’t want it anyways…
This is by far the best blog I have ever read.? thank you for supporting us. I am only 20 and it seems like many narcissist gravitate towards me. I have been educating my self about antisocial behaviors and I am obsessed with how they think. I have figured out the mind games they play? even they said I was hard to get.
So happy that the posts have helped! Thanks, Betty – for your love, connection, sisterhood, and support!
You go girl. xox
Hi Natasha. I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend and we just broke up and before our break up he was sleeping on the couch and before the breakup he was emotional unavailable, he was always quiet doing sex , never really showed me affection and love. We have a whole kid together which makes it even harder because I don’t to deal with him but I have too. A week later after the breakup he was already with someone else, they been knowing each other wayyy before he met me, he already brought her around my kid less than a week and he tells me they wasn’t talking before he broke up with me I know I should’ve left a long time ago but I stayed because I loved him and I love hard , we wasn’t having sex and we end up having sex after the breakup and he told me I can’t have sex with you anymore because we’re not going to be together , he was already having sex with the other girl already a week later after we broke up. I don’t want him anymore but I do still think of him throughout the day and I still think of a horrible boyfriend he was to me. He tells me how happy he is. I was good to him in the relationship and for him to move on so quickly after the relationship hurted me so bad because I wasn’t so quick to talk to anyone else nor have sex with the next man. He doesn’t blow up my phone doing the day he only calls about our child which is fine but it just hurts that he never chased after me even when we were in a relationship he never chased after me now we not together anymore it really hurts me that doesn’t acknowledge that I was a good woman to him and for him to move on so quickly and have sex with her man smh I was really torn into pieces I was calling his phone crying to him and letting him know how much he hurted me in the relationship and after the breakup. Natasha please help me to understand all of this I’m taking one day at a time and I just want to reclaim my life back and I want him to blow up my phone and I just diss him every time. Please help ??
Hi Tillisha!
I am so sorry that you’re going through this all. You are not alone. It is impossible for me to directly advise in the comments (thank you for your kindness and understanding). I will try to write about this soon. It’s much more difficult when you have a child together, I totally understand. Do not react at all to him anymore. Just stay on your white horse and give yourself the love that you gave to him. You WILL get through this. I will try to write more about this soon. Thank you for being a part of this tribe and for taking the time to share. All my love to you and your child. xox
Thank you
Thank you for your blog!
I do have a question though. I was with a guy for a short period and was love at first sight. Things ended and I became the crazy girl and he called the cops so I wouldn’t reach out even though I wasn’t gnatting.
I’d assume he will never reach out will he? Is there a way to get him back?
I have never left a comment on any article or any sites I read about relationship advices but, today was much needed. So I tried reading one and THIS, it’s so so worth it that I cannot just go back without saying something to the writer. Thank you NATASHA ADAMO for even taking all the time to write this. In times of hardships, like me today. It has helped me to gain strength and become more worthy of myself rather than feeling hopeless.
My boyfriend cheated on me with another girl and did not want to admit it even though I caught him and I couldn’t accept that he has done that to me.I have been depressed and sad but today this has helped me gain my confidence and to focus on myself.
Mizuki,
From the very bottom of my heart, thank YOU for taking the time out of your day to write such a kind message (that I feel the love and connection behind every word of). And thank you for affirming that I never was/never am alone in things that I was so convinced I was alone in.
I live to give everything that I wish I would have had.
All my love to you. You’re not alone <3