I will never be able to reiterate enough times the importance of knowing exactly what to do in your most painful, desperate, and triggered moments: stay on your white horse.
ALWAYS stay on your white horse. Let your silence do the talking and don’t worry about the other person forgetting you. They won’t.
Think about it – when it’s a holiday or your birthday, who do you remember more? – The people who wished you a happy birthday/holiday or the one who didn’t?
Be your own knight in shining armor. The only people who are interested in saving you, are the ones who feel that by doing so, they’ll be able to secure control over your emotional weather. Emotionally available lovers and friends won’t be turned on by having to save you out of your own insecurities. Be the responsive class act that everyone is in awe of instead of the reactionary psycho who needs a muzzle and a leash. Exhibit grace under pressure when all you want to do is retaliate and react.
A monkey could snap its fingers, flip its hair, and throw out a few one-liners that are sharper than a dagger. It takes someone with real power and strength to remain calm, communicate through her actions, and move on.
There’s no need to be the moral police or anyone’s emotional training wheels here. You don’t need to show grown adults “the right way” to behave or lose your cool and get crazy labeled. It’s not your job. Don’t allow people to set off your triggers and push your buttons. Only YOU know the combination to that lock. Not them.
If you want someone to know how you truly feel and get an idea of what they have done: Stay calm. Never lower yourself to a level in which you attempt to re-package and throwback pain and/or drama that they caused, just so you can feel like you’re in control for a hot minute. It will boomerang right back every time.
And while that could make all of the logical sense in the world…
Sometimes, our emotions negate logic. They can also negate reality and disable our ability to see the long-term, unf*ckwithable confidence and power that is attained by staying on our white horse and NOT pursuing short-term satisfaction.
Short-term action is always taken very quickly on emotional impulse after being triggered. It could be a social media post, a “like” on his photo from someone you don’t know, a song… anything.
And there you are with the biggest wave crashing down on you. Instead of grasping to the knowingness that this wave, like all waves, will pass and you WILL survive, you frantically look for a life raft to grasp in the form of re-engaging, blocking, unfollowing, contacting his Mom, etc. And the “life raft” that you are convinced will keep you afloat only proves to do so as long as you give over your dignity, reputation, power, and self-esteem to inflate it.
For the last 8 days, I’ve been dealing with the worst case on dermatitis ON MY FACE and cannot tell you how many times I’ve inspected my skin in the mirror while crying my eyes out.
There were so many times I got in my car to go pick up the prescription for a strong steroid creme waiting for me at the pharmacy. I knew that the creme would knock it out fast, but then what? I’ve tried the cremes before and although it does remedy the cosmetic issue, it creates a whole host of others.
I didn’t want to create a dependency on the creme or damage my skin further in the name of a “must-fix-this-now” freak out. So, I went to a naturopath (not for everybody, this is just what I chose to do), and healed the problem from within. For once in my life, I’m not worried at all about it returning because I am now in control. My skin is not only back to normal, but it looks better than it ever has.
And that’s the thing…
You can never be standing in the light of your own power WHILE being emotionally impulsive. It’s tough enough living in a society that feeds on cracking our impulse codes and draining our wallets. Why do we submit to cracking our own?
Whether it’s with a fake friend, an ex, a family member or in business, I have found myself re-engaging because of these Armageddon-type waves that would come crashing down. I like to call them pain contractions. I was triggered, hurt, I needed closure, and deep down… I needed the validation that I wasn’t as forgettable and discardable as my ex’s actions made me feel.
It never worked. It just depleted me of my power, made me look crazy and destroyed my chances of ever being “The One That Got Away,” because I couldn’t leave well enough alone. Even after the initial fall from my white horse.
I’ve gotten off of my white horse many times in the name of “sticking up for myself.” It wasn’t. It was my own reverse narcissism at its zenith. I didn’t know what to do.
There is truly no one in my life who’s ever f*cked with and hurt me more than I’ve f*cked with and hurt myself.
How do you know what to do when you give into your triggers and (willingly) fall right off of your white horse?
HOW do you deal when you were doing SO WELL and in a weak moment, broke no contact and now everything has gone to complete sh*t?
How do you clean the mess you just made? Is there any hope of ever getting your power back?
There is. And it’s simple.
Here’s what to do…
As far as what to do and how to get back on your white horse after falling off, you first need to identify where you’re at.
You are most likely in that horrible limbo of feeling pathetic, defeated, stupid, angry at yourself, and in many ways, back at square one; not knowing at all what to do.
Instead of allowing those feelings to infiltrate to such an extent that they disable your emotional survival instincts and power from kicking in, feel every ounce of the emotions that you’re feeling. FEEL the pain, the bruises, and the COST of getting off of your white horse.
If you don’t vow to USE these feelings and this experience as propellant out of ever re-engaging again, you’ll keep engaging from the justification mentality of “what’s-the-use-?-I’ve-already-ruined-it,” and then become a sitting duck for doormat/f*ck buddy status.
You are not pathetic or weak. You fell off and it’s okay. One of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite people, Les Brown:
“When life knocks you down, try to land on your back. Because if you can look up, you can get up. Let your reason get you back up.”
We have ALL been there. We’ve all lost our cool, our dignity, and our sanity. Allow that depletion to be your REASON to get back up and on your white horse.
The ability to say “no” and back it up with consistent actions that are rooted in the respect you have for yourself is solid GOLD.
The day that you’re able to say “no more” (even after taking an embarrassing tumble off of your white horse) is the day that you’ll start getting your confidence and power back.
After one of my past relationships, I really struggled for four months. I missed him and thought about him every day. Although I knew deep down it was the right thing to do, no contact felt like the worst punishment of all.
All it took was seeing a comment on his social media from a girl who was everything I wasn’t and I caved in the worst way. After calling him and embarrassing the sh*t out of myself, I didn’t know what to do.
I finally got to the point where I just threw all the chips up in the air.
And it taught me a very valuable lesson.
There is a certain power in surrender and letting go. At that moment, I decided to surrender to relational defeat.
I said to myself: “I’m sick of holding all these chips. I’ll take the loss; I don’t care anymore. I’m throwing these chips up in the air and letting them fall as they may. This person will never be who he presents himself to be. I’m going to take this loss and start claiming the emotional riches earned from lessons learned, instead of spending them on reinvesting in relational Ponzi schemes. I may have lost a lot but I’ll be damned if I lose my mental and physical health over this.”
When you don’t know what to do or where to turn, think of this:
The best athletes in the world didn’t get to their status by not accepting, denying, “fact-checking” in the name of reengaging, crap talking, or disrespecting their defeats in any way. They got to that level by getting back on their white horse, surrendering to the wounds, the losses, and using the feelings associated with their acceptance of defeat to propel them into unparalleled excellence.
I finally knew what to do. I stopped the insanity; I stopped the attention mongering, the stalking, and the madness.
For once, I prioritized peace over emotionally cutting.
And day by day, I started to get better.
My best advice for not knowing what to do after you’ve fallen off of your white horse?
Know that no matter how much you believe right now that you have irreparably messed up, you haven’t.
Time + consistent dedication to closing your door (and bolting it shut) does wonders.
You don’t need to explain yourself. Decide to STOP and revel in the peace of that decision.
The sky won’t fall and you will most likely hear from your ex again.
The ego boost for them that you falling off of your white horse is, is often too addicting for them to not throw crumbs at again sometime in the future.
Don’t ever give people who dishonored you a reaction. They don’t have anything new to say and neither do you.
Forgive yourself by accepting relational defeat so that you can be the superstar emotional athlete that your destiny has already deemed you as being.
You don’t owe anyone anything.
The only person who you will ever owe EVERYTHING to is yourself – you owe it to yourself to accept defeat. It’s the only way to reclaim the pen to YOUR life story and rise from these ashes.
If you were watching your life in a movie theater right now, you wouldn’t throw your drink at the screen, get up and leave because the main character (you), didn’t denigrate himself/herself more and allow defeat to paralyze him/her. You would you rooting for him/her to get the hell up. And that’s what makes a dynamic character: the ability to get up after being knocked to the ground and left for dead.
Dynamic characters are the most attractive, alluring, and emulated people on earth.
They acknowledge and own when they fall off of their white horse. And the difference between them and 99% of the population?
And they thrive DESPITE the scars, the falls, and the consequences of their emotionally impulsive decisions in the past.
The best propellant for massive change in my life has come from acting on the shameful feelings associated with the consequences of being an imperfect HUMAN. A human who was no longer willing to use the outcome of her impulsive actions to conveniently define her worth. A human who decided to forgive herself, get up and say “no more,” through her actions.
The courage to get back up in the face of paralyzing shame is not an acquired talent, it’s an innate gift.
Stop denying yourself of your own emotional riches.
So, you messed up and don’t know what to do? Get up.
Your white horse is waiting.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.
This was absolutely perfect. I have been fantasizing for a week now about what I’m going to say to my ex on his birthday in 3 days. We haven’t talked in 2 weeks after falling off my horse. I got back on and contemplating getting off again…. After reading this…I’m staying on my white horse!
You have no idea how much your knowledge helps so many of us.
I love you!!! Thanks again 🙂
YAY!!! I’m so happy to help! Thanks Jodeci 🙂 I love you too! x
Thank you Natasha, just thank you for keeping me sane in this insanity that is heartbreak. On my lowest days I just wish I was dead, but the more positive days are truly empowering. Your blog is a gold mine for any girl going through heartache, you help to make sense of the incomprehensible situation, you’re so relatable. Now, I have no other choice than tackling my abandonment and self esteem issues once for all. It’s just hard when all your deepest fears come to a reality; when you thought you were someone’s forever and they just disappear overnight like you never existed. It’s like falling into emptiness, it’s scary, it’s devastating. I am broken but I am starting to build my sanctuary based on myself only. I will have my own back and create my own safe space. I am very far from healed but I am going through it, it’s a very tough process. Just wondering if it’s truly healthy to allow the pain to completely sink into my body, to the point that it’s unbearable? How can I allow myself to feel the pain without being overwhelmed by it and without acting on the very dark thoughts?
Hi Nina, I’ve found that sometimes trying to label or put a name to the emotion behind the pain has been helpful when I feel a wave of anguish, grief, or hurt coming on. I let it come and feel it while acknowledging whatever the underlying emotion is. What I usually discover is that there is some sort of long-held fear that generally sits beneath all the pain. It still hurts but I also find the wave dissipates a little faster when I can understand the true reason behind it, and I can re-focus on why I’m feeling triggered instead of focusing on someone or an external situation I cannot control. I redirect myself to focus on and get obsessed with working on myself, on what I do have control over (even if it feels like I don’t at times). Much ?? to you. You’ve got this!
I love this! Thank you endlessly sister. Love you! XO
Hi Nina! I’m glad that the posts have been helpful. Thank you for allowing me to see that I was never/am never alone in emotions and experiences that for so long, I felt completely alone in.
I wish that I had the time to answer your questions. I have too much to say and not enough hands to type or hours in the day (I know you understand and thank you for your understanding). In short, I don’t think it’s healthy to feel pain to the point of acting on dark thoughts. If this is the case, there are 24 hour hotlines that I have the numbers to in the “terms and conditions” of this site at the bottom. I am all for feeling pain to the point of propellant. Feeling pain to the point of being more scared to stay where you are at than you are of making a POSITIVE change. If it gets to the point of being dark and potentially detrimental or dangerous, I do not advocate that at all and recommend seeking help immediately.
All my love to you soul sister. XO
Nina -you are not alone – you are in our thoughts and we are sending you our strength
Thank you for this, it is very relevant to me, as someone who has fallen and fallen so many times. His birthday is coming up this saturday and I know that his new gf would be moving in with him very soon.But now is the first time I’ve been able to make solid moves to no contact. I’m 7 days in no contact and 7 days is very little to some. But to me, it’s way more than I’ve been able to do before. And I’ve felt better able to do it now.
I’m still working on not checking up on them in private and I decided to give my social media accounts to a trusted friend and asked them to changed the passwords so that I can’t be tempted to log in and do/say anything reactionary. It’s done wonders in helping me stay on course. Thank you once again for your articles. They, like this one, have been very timely and helpful. I wish so much I had stumbled on your website sooner. But I truly believe in better late than never. I also try not to focus on the times I’ve fallen, but rather on my succeeding to pick myself up again.
Hi J! I read your words and had to reply. Seven days, seven months, it’s doesnt matter. It’s ALL powerful.
The bit that made me want to reply was when you mentioned his upcoming birthday. Those days are the hardest. They really tug at your heart and it hurts deeply.
So, I think you need a plan. What do people do on birthdays? Celebrate. And that’s what you will do on that day.
Celebrate the days of no contact.
Celebrate YOURSELF! The person you are, the love you are able to give to others and the love you can give yourself.
On that day, you’ll wake and think of him. But you will not be contacting him.
Get up early. Go for a run. Wear a great outfit. Buy yourself a nice lunch. Buy flowers for yourself on the way home. Take long bath when you get there. Visit someone who loves you or go to the movies. Or stay at home and watch something that you love.
Love. Love. Love. Yourself.
If it helps, write down all the things he did that hurt you. All the red flags you saw but pretended not to see. Then read it. It will help you refocus on why he’s your ex.
That day isn’t solely his. It’s yours too. Forget him. Think of you. You’ll be heading on to 2 weeks no contact by then. Be the person who he didn’t hear from on his birthday. Cause you were too busy celebrating you.
And he will remember you. Of course, but you have better things to do that day. Paint your nails. Get your hair done. Buy yourself a treat. ? that’s my personal favourite trick!
On that day, be so busy focusing on you, that it becomes your day. You will not only get through it, you’ll feel good. Well at least a million times better than if you contacted him.
Love to you xxxx ??????
I agreed with every word. Thanks Lorelle 🙂 I love you as does this tribe. xx
Hi Lorelle, KP and Natasha, thank you so much for your kind words and suggestions. I had a bit of cry the day before his birthday. But I managed to not contact him on his birthday itself. Tried to busy myself with fun stuff. And have maintained no contact still, I’m up to 15 days now. So I would count that as a win hehe. Thank you all once again. 🙂
Lorelle, I know you from before…. I OVE your replies. So encouraging! J, 7 days counts. just keep counting. You absolutely have made the right decisions to move on.. Go YOU!!
Hey KP, I remember you too xx thanks for your sweet words – it’s so nice to be here for each other xx ??? Hugs x
CONGRATULATIONS! 7 days is 7 months in “breakup time.” You are incredible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 You are loved, appreciated, valued and supported. xx
Thank you Natasha, for all your articles but this one about staying on your white horse has helped me beyond measure. After a painful breakup I have found your words have given me the strength to stay on my white horse and deal with it with grace and maturity despite wanting to shout about the unfairness of it all. It’s a struggle every day with many dark and lonely times and I know there are more ahead but you have shown me that I have all the strength and courage I need within myself and I will get through this and find peace again. Many thanks Natasha and to your family online, it helps so much reading other people’s stories and knowing I’m not alone xx
I am in tears of such happiness, gratitude, appreciation, and love for you. This is what I live for. I live to give everything that I wish I had. And I’m so glad that this post was helpful.
You are understood, loved, valued, backed, believed in, supported, and never, EVER alone. Thank you for taking this time to share and thank you for being YOU.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you. xo
“I needed the validation that I wasn’t as forgettable and discardable as the other person’s actions made me feel.”
Once again, you hit it out of the park. I fell off this week …. not in a spectacular way …. but just enough to make me feel pathetic and to restart the inevitable but ultimately unsatisfying intense crumb-throwing that came my way. This post could not have come at a better time and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I feel so much better already!! Instead of beating myself up for the day, I’m going to get up and have a great one!! xo
Yes 🙂 !! That makes me so happy to hear. I’m happy that the post served you. Thank you so much for being YOU. Sending you love. Eternally grateful for you. XOXO
Another winner from Natasha. Thank you and yes, I am still on my white horse. Although I can completely relate to Nina’s post. 8 weeks post breakup the pain remains almost unbearable and I cannot seem to find a way to make it go away. Sometimes you fool yourself into thinking if you could just have that ‘one last conversation’ you might feel better. But I think it is just a fantasy. This was a great reminder and motivator to keep riding – in the other direction – on my white horse.
Sonia. KEEP ON! Just keep on. This is a rebolutiary way of thinking. What Natasha offers is counter-cultural. You are already F R E E. I get you “if I could just have that last convo…” That last convo is holding you back just like it’s holding me back. But life is too short…. you don’t have time for that f*cktard who doesn’t get it. You have so much to offer…. you owe it to yourself to find out your “why” in this life. Find YOU.
Thanks Sonja! I couldn’t have said it better. You got this 🙂 XO
This couldn’t be more timely and I have tears in my eyes because it’s exactly what I needed today. His birthday is Thursday and he won’t be hearing from me. Yesterday after having been broken up for over 4 months, I deleted every text and picture we traded (over 1100 pictures between us).
It hurts so much but it’s not healthy for me. And the thing is, he’s not a malicious person. He’s damaged like we all are. The difference is I am willing to face my damage, he isn’t. I truly don’t believe he means to or does he even know how much it hurts me, but I need to look out for me. I’m hurting and I feel hopeless because I thought he was my 2nd chance for happiness after being divorced for 8 years. But I’m staying on the white horse. Please keep writing though, because I need the encouragement as it hurts more than even my divorce did, it feels like.
Kim – I could have written almost exactly what you wrote. I am 4 months into my break up as well and was divorced for almost 6 years now. I too thought he was my second chance for happiness. Last Monday would have been our 1 yr. engagement anniversary. Needless to say it’s been very hard and very emotional especially this time of year. I wish you nothing but blessings and good things going forward. We all share the same pain it seems and I wish that weren’t the case. We are built to be survivors and evolve… each at our own pace and in our own time.
Hugs to you my dear.
Vicky, hugs to you! Let’s stay on our white horses, we deserve the same love that we are capable of giving ? I’m in nyc if you happen to be ? we can get coffee ?
Kim …if I were just a few states closer to you I would definitely meet you for coffee and a chat my dear. Unfortunately I live in Chicago!! lol.
And yes, we do deserve the same love we give. We need to believe in ourselves and turn that love inwards so we know better next time. I am a work in progress…
Lots of love and blessing to you Kim. We will all get thru our pain together. One day at a time.
Wish I could meet you both for brunch!
Thankyou for the most enlightening and empowering post I have read on the internet to salvage self dignity and respect thanks to you I’ll be remaining on my white horse no matter what crumbs are flung my way
YAYYYYYY!!!! Thank YOU, Shell!
I am so happy and honored to have helped/help in any way. I live to give everything that I wish I had.
Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe.
Thank you for being YOU.
STAY ON YOUR WHOTE HORSE! You got this, Shell! xox
I love seeing this! I want to meet for tea next time I’m in NYC!! 🙂 XO
Kim, I can totally relate and I understand. You are not alone in this. Thank you for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe. I’m so glad that the post helped 🙂 XO
I wanted to update. Today is his birthday and as I said, he wouldn’t be hearing from me and he didn’t. What happened by 10:30 am? He threw crumbs at me via text. Well, I ignored them . A few hours later, more crumbs which are also going ignored.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a mix of emotions, but I will say with all honesty that I do feel stronger and more resolved than ever to stay on my white horse.
Thank you Natasha and all you ladies for reminding me I’m not alone and that I can and will do this. We’ve been broken up for over 4 months now and I couldn’t see me in this place right now where I’m ready to move on. I felt physically sick for almost 3 months. Every moment lasted a lifetime. But I’m ready to move on and find a real man who is available for a real woman who can offer real love. I’m not rushing it and I’m not afraid like I was even last week.
Natasha, come to NYC and meet me for tea! Hopefully I’ll be celebrating my full freedom from him by then!
Kim you are stronger than you think. I know how tough that must have been not to reply so big big kudos to you my dear for staying on yyour white horse and seeing those messages for what they were. Crumbs!! You deserve soooooo much more. We all do. Keep protecting your heart and be proud for how far you have already come. Sending lots of love and hugs to you.
Vicky, thank you so much for the encouragement. I sooooo want to reply something along the lines of eff off you stupid flake, or reply to his texts in like three weeks to show him what it’s like to be blown off, but I won’t, I promise! I’m just proud of myself that I am at this point at all. I swear I thought I would never, ever get over him. And there is a part of me that would take him back IF he ever said he was going to make changes ( I am NOT holding my breath, I’m just saying it would take a miracle for me to go back to him now). I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress and I will continue to. I am sending you love and hugs too, dear Vicky! xoxo <3 White Horse sisters!
You are incredible Kim. I know how hard it was/is, but you are standing in your own power now. Love you both and I love seeing this kind of sisterhood and support! 🙂 xx
YES 🙂 I could not agree with or love you both any more. XOXO
You did the right thing. Any communication with him will just open the door for more pain to you. Do not give him that kind of power.. Trust in yourself and keep believing and loving yourself first. Look how far you have come. Keep moving forward … you deserve nothing but good things.
White horse sister!!
YES YES YES XOXO
I am in tears. This was the best gift you could have ever given me and everyone in this tribe. Thank you so much for sharing and taking the time to let us know how it went. So proud of and happy for you Kim. You go girl 🙂 And yes of course! Tea on me in NYC! xx
You are loved, supported, believed in and never alone. Sending you big love and hugs.
Another update. I effectively ignored his desire for attention on his birthday when he didn’t hear from me. Today 6 days later, more crumbs from him with actual choices of times for us to meet. As tempting as it is, I know what would happen is he’ll see me, then ignore me again at his convenience. Enough is enough.
As much as I want him to see me and see what he no longer has, I know staying on the white horse will do that well enough.
It hurts still but I know it’s not good for me. Thank you all for understanding. It helps so much to know I’m not alone.
You are never alone Kim. I know how hard it is – you are doing the right thing. Speaking with you actions like this is how you build unshakeable self-esteem, self-respect and power. You got this! We are all behind you 1000%
Kim i just saw your last post and i can feel the pain you are stuggling with in your heart. I have been there a few times and all i can say is stay strong girl. Dont give in to the temptation… as hard as it is. Its not worth the risk of pain and disappointment from him. Keep believing in yourself and ALWAYS protect your heart sweetie. You know better and i have faith in you. Wish i could hug you for real so you know you are never alone. We are all here for you.
I had some triggers myself today and had some tears but as the day went on it passed. Also when i got in my car i cranked the music…”In the end” Linkin Park and it made me feel better. Lol. One of my fave pick me up songs ever!! I played it over and over and didnt give a shit who saw me scream singing in my car!!! Hahaha! Try it.
Big big hugs my white horse sister.
Love you girl.
Vicky and Natasha, thank you for the encouragement. Seriously like 2 weeks ago I might have given in, but he missed his chance to f&ck me up again. I am so past it now. I truly want to get over him. I’m not over him but the fact that I want to get over him is huge progress.
There was a point when I would have done ANYTHING for this kind of attention, but I realize it’s toxic and dysfunctional attention. I have done nothing but soul-search all those years post divorce and I am worth so much more than he can give me. He’s great on paper, good job, successful, etc. But he’s an emotional cripple so therefore he’s useless to me.
I can see why i would be useful to him, because I am a person who values myself and I bring a lot to the table. But he doesn’t bring anything to the table and I am proud that I not only know that now, but my emotions are finally catching up to that too.
Thank you again, Natasha for saying everything that needs to be said to help us all. Vicky, you hang tight and love yourself too above all. We have to take care of Number One which is ourselves. <3
You said it all Kim….toxic, dysfunctional and emotionally crippled . This is not what you or any of us deserve. Its unhealthy and like poison to our souls and hearts. Yes its his fricking loss now. Let him deal with that now. You are a badass Kim. Stay on the horse soul sis.
Much love girl.
Vicki & Kim,
You are both so POWERFUL in the midst of all your heartbreak. Just wanted to mention that in case you didn’t already feel it ?
There is such a deep and abundant well of permanent strength that no one, least of all an ‘emotional cripple’, can take away from you when you’re on your white horse. Indifference not only comes faster, but will actually truly feel authentic. Keep at it! xo
i don’t know why but for some reason I have been struggling with my feelings the last few days… and no, I don’t want to reach out to him or anything like that, but the old questions of how the hell this happened are creeping back in and I feel awful. Sometimes it’s just a thought or memory of him and I in happier times and I smile for a minute and then that turns into tears… and I am sad again. I have been doing so well the last month of so and now these feelings come and go and I feel kind of lost right now. Why?? I wish I had an erase button to wipe away those thoughts and feelings, I don’t want it to hurt me anymore. I feel weak.. and I don’t like it. 🙁
Hi Vicki, I hope you made it past those days! I wish I had seen this sooner. I actually fell off the horse, but it wasn’t too bad a tumble. I saw him and he seemed more nervous than I was and I felt like I was overcompensating so it would be more comfortable for us. There was no sign of us getting back together, nor was I expecting it. It was actually pleasant and if anything, cemented the fact that I need to continue going forward with my life.
I understand the mixed emotions on your part, Vicki. If only we could go with our logic and not have to feel the conflicting emotions in us. You aren’t alone, ever. We understand.
I am more resolved than ever to go into the new year with a fresh slate, new chapters, new ME. I’m done with him but I’m also done with the old me. I refuse to settle for less than what I deserve. It scares me because I feel like is there actually a man out there who can meet my standards? I fear there isn’t! But I also don’t want to settle because all that did was tear my heart apart. I am focusing on me for now until that man shows up and has the privilege of meeting me. I have dance classes I’m going to get to, I have friends who love me and my company. I have things I’m going to do.
Vicki, hang in there and don’t feel bad for having a bad day or two or three. It’s part of the healing process. Love you and wishing you a great new year! xoxo Kim
Hi Kim… I just saw your reply from the other day and I have been thinking about you the past week wondering what was going on on your side. I had a feeling that eventually contact would be made. And maybe that’s what you needed to feel more confident in moving forward? Sometimes it takes the distance and no contact to really put things in a different perspective after everything that has happened. And yes, I still have moments here and there of anger and sadness, but overall I think i’m holding up pretty good. 🙂
I agree with you about the new year and new beginnings. This whole situation has really opened my eyes to many things in my own life that I needed to address and was always in denial or afraid of changing. I hung on to the “potential” of what could have been because somewhere along the way I lost myself and thought I was getting what I deserved. Very sad, but true. I am still a work in progress but it is getting better and I am starting to feel more at peace within… letting go of the things I can’t control.
That’s awesome that you are dancing!! Love it!! 🙂 I have been keeping busy with my friends and family as well as going to the gym and doing yoga, that is my therapy. LOL.
I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year my white horse sister!! Let’s really kick ass on 2018 and if we find someone to share that happiness with, well that’s just icing on the cake! I know I will be okay by myself for awhile.
We need to keep in touch… maybe emails ?? Let me know.
Love you sister.
Hi Vicki! we are ALL works in progress! I have made many Two-steps-forward-one-step-back, but no matter how slow, I’m still going forward.
The latest: ex’s two dogs died within a two month span. The second dog died 2 days ago and he reached out to me. I gave my condolences but that’s it. He’s a mess. But I refuse to give any kind of support. I mean, I’m not his girlfriend, why should I? He doesn’t get to get emotional support at a time when he really needs it when he gave nothing when I was around. It doesn’t work that way. And it’s not about revenge or being vindictive, it’s just that he invested nothing, so that’s what he gets back. I am fully capable of loving and caring, but it’s only for those who invest back in me too, aka. we have a mutually beneficial relationship.
I actually resent that he had the nerve to want anything from me. He really overestimated who he was to me. Yeah, I wanted him back for a long time, but that time went by and he lost that time ; he should have used that time to show me that I matter, and that I am worth some effort. Now it’s my time to show him with my actions that he doesn’t matter. He will have to find someone else to grieve with. They’ll get tired of it too when they see it’s all about him.
Anyway, sorry to rant. I just feel so much freer now that I don’t pine for him anymore. I am sorry his dogs died but hey, they were old, so they were going to die. I’m happy he actually has to face his FEELINGS now, because he really projected onto those dogs all the emotions he couldn’t express to humans, and now they’re gone and he’s fucked. Oh, well. Time to grow up.
Vicki, hang in there. We are all in this together. I would love to stay in contact but I don’t want to leave my email here out in the open. How do we do this? Natasha? help?
Kim i totally understand about the email. I was thinking the same and unfortunately theres no way for us to send private messages on here… not yet anyway. Maybe Natasha will find a way for us to connect thru another way? And as for your ex you are absolutely right for feeling the way you do about not being his emotional airbag. He lost out on you and the support and love you gave him by not being able to reciprocate in the relationship when he had you. My ex was the same way! The lack of empathy was hurtful. I was his emotional security blanket and biggest cheerleader.. but i never really got that same support back. Its sad that both our exes were so eff’d up in their own way and were incapable of a genuine and mutual relationship. It is always about them and their needs and wants first. Mine was so stubborn and prideful yet so insecure and controlling. A walking contradiction.
They are the ones who let us go Kim. Thats something they will need to live with. And all this time apart from them has made us stronger and wiser. We are no longer their doormats and we have no more excuses for them. Now it is about us and moving forward without them or their validation. We validate ourselves!
I hope we find a way to stay connected offline. ? you are awesome Kim and im so glad i found you on this site. Stay strong my sister.
Peace…love and light to you my friend.
Vicki, I wish you an amazing 2018. I wish you a clean start and a renewed love for yourself.
As for me, mentally I am starting fresh. He will be left in 2017. I like to think my radar is better for knowing about men like that. I really can’t redo that kind of thing again. I am SO much more demanding now, so much higher in my requirements in a partner. WE really are just too valuable and we need to show that we KNOW it and that we expect to be treated a certain way. It won’t just happen; we have to make it clear, and then it has to be known and it has to be shown.
We may have had our hearts broken, but they mend and get stronger. Those guys are so emotionally stunted that they will continue on the same hamster wheel until ONE day they realize they are old and alone due to their own actions. They will realize the great women they lost and they will be sad at the lost opportunities.
I will check here every now and then in case you need some encouragement, and in case I need some! Here’s to a new year and a new start, 2018. I pray it’s a better one in every way in your life. Much love, Kim xoxoxoxo
This came at the perfect time!! 2 weeks ago I broke my 3 months of no contact & felt like an idiot. Your blog has helped me immeasurably in understanding he is most likely an emotionally unavailable narcissist. I was doing so well & made a mistake because of my ego. But I said you know what, I made a small mistake, I’m human, whatever, I love myself & know one setback doesn’t need to ruin how far I have come emotionally. Got right back on the white horse! I owned it & didn’t beat myself up for longer than a couple days this time. What helped me is to uninstall snapchat. He no longer has other social media so that was the only thing f**king me up. I have found that by uninstalling the app, it did a detox of the negative obsessive energy my phone was full of. Without it & without the stress that came from him, I love myself more than ever & am happier than ever. Anyone who i struggling, if you mess up just say who cares, forget you ever did it, & be free. Be happy you no longer have to be subjected to a jerk who doesn’t treat you right!
Hi Ashley! Thank you so much for sharing 🙂 So proud of and happy for you. You go girl. XO
Great one! Just what I needed! I can’t hear this enough. Thanks Natasha!
Happy it helped! Thanks sister 🙂 x
You and your blog are amazing! At first I thought I was a loser and pathetic for even googling any sort of topic that would help me thru my most recent breakup heartache. But now a few weeks into it and I’m thrilled I stumbled upon you and your many words of wisdom! Thank you for reminding me and all women that we are worth it and deserve so much more than the crumbs some men throw our way!! We are human and this is life and life (at least my life) is and will contain many, MANY screwups and mistakes. We just have to remember to not stay knocked down when life throws us to the ground! We must get up, brush ourselves off and get right back up on our white horses! You are helping me more than you will ever know Natasha! Finding your blog could not have come at a better time! Stay awesome! Much love!!! Xoxo
Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I’m honored to have helped. You are loved and adored Jules 🙂 xoxo
Hello Natasha. I am at a loss for words. I have not made contact with him at all but I swear I feel like it many days. I just keep repeating white horse to myself. December 9th would have been our one year anniversary. I am sure he does not remember that. I have already tried to prepare myself for the ghosts that are to come. You are so right in stating that we need to let our actions speak for us. The thing is I think the fact that I have made no contact makes it easier for him. I’m still sticking with it because I want to keep my dignities in tact.
He is not taking that. He got enough of me and did not know what to do with it so he bailed. He has made me feel things I never knew I could but my dignity is not up for the taking. All you wonderful ladies echo exactly what I have been living. The physical pain, lack of sleep, stomach aches, crying, not wanting to be alive a lot of days but I think that we have of ourselves till it hurt and the only problem is we hurt us. We cannot let that happen again. Treat yourselves well and realize that it is more of a mistake that someone takes love from you and has no idea what to do with it. They may change players but they are the same emotional idiots creating the same bad movie. It still hurts like hell but we gave a gift. They gave nothing.
Thanks for this beautiful post as I needed this today. I have cried but still hanging on to my horse. All you ladies are beautiful and I apppreciate all of you. Here is hoping our hearts get a little less heavy through the hell of the holidays.
LOVE YOU NATSHA. You are a blessing. Thank you again. ???
P..S. I need that skirt!!
Hugs to you Linda!! And well said.
I love you so much Linda. Thank you for sharing and for being the light that you are. Get the skirt! It’s so comfortable and versatile 🙂 XOXO
I don’t know what cloud you fell off of but you are truly an angel. ? Thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting such meaningful, well composed blogs. After reading the comments from other amazing women, I truly feel less alone and heartbroken. There is something so comforting in knowing that you and others feel the way I feel and experience the same pain that I have. It’s proof that we can give each other power, support, encouragement and the ability to boost each other back onto our white horse. ?
There are not enough “thank you’s“ in the world to tell you how grateful I am for you. Thank you for being awesome, thank you for being epic & thank you for being born! Hugs to you ?
I am in tears and for once, speechless. Thank YOU from he bottom of my heart.
Sending you so much love soul sister. XOXO
I blocked my ex two weeks ago on social media because I saw pictures of him with a new girlfriend. We’d only been broken up for 2 months at that point, and it hurt because it made me realise he had lied
about the reasons for dumping me. Do you think blocking is okay in this instance? I did it because I didn’t want the temptation to look him up – but now I’m regretting it and feel embarrassed – I don’t want him to feel like he has any power over me. Thoughts?
I can relate…I was with my ex for 2.5 years. When we broke up, he gave me a lame excuse..I immediately went into no contact, and I have remained in no contact. For a while I struggled with if I did the right thing because I missed him,etc. We are no longer friends on facebook, but i was still connected to his entire family. In October, I saw where he tagged a picture of himself, his Dad and his new girlfriend. After doing my own investigating, I discovered that he hopped into this new relationship within a month or two of us breaking up. That led me to believe that he was “talking” to her toward the end of our relationship. Anyhow, I was crushed. It’s like I regressed back to week 1 of our breakup..the lies and betrayal. I went ahead and blocked his entire family on facebook. I hate I had to do it because I really like his family, and I know his mother was very fond of me, but I had to look out for myself. Seeing him with his new girlfriend is nothing that I wanted to see…especially if it goes the long haul (kids, marriage, blah, blah, blah, lol). I went ahead and cut all ties. Don’t feel bad about it. You have to look out for yourself. To be honest, after discovering that he had someone else, i felt even better about remaining in no contact. I even got a strange sense of closure. His new girl is a complete downgrade. I still get pissed at times..but it’s a daily process. I know it’s hard, but try not to concern yourself of what he or others think. Forget them. Just focus on you. Stay strong 🙂
My heart is so happy. I love seeing this 🙂 XOXO
Deborah – I did the same about a month after our breakup and it was the BEST, most healing decision I ever made. Prior to that I couldn’t stop the habit of constantly stalking… and each new post of his either annoyed me, crushed me, or made me reel for days. Checking his social media was like consistently ripping off the scab, prolonging the healing process, and reigniting my fury / frustration / anger / sadness… and, guess what – that’s what truly gave my ex the power – he continued to have an emotional chokehold on me. Blocking / unfollowing / deleting / flushing – that is what gave ME my power back. It’s not a weak move at all… the whole point of no contact is to heal, to purge, to re-center, to wash off the fifth of that horrible relationship, and to forget your ex completely. It takes a lot of strength to cut them off completely the way you did, especially after self-assessing and realizing that seeing his posts is not serving in your healing. Don’t doubt that for a second. In fact, BRAVO to you. And believe me – even if he did get a temporary ego boost from it, that faded fast after he realized, oh sh*t, she just left me in the dark. That darkness will settle all over him and sink into his bones. Stay on your white horse, trust in your decision, and leave that b*stard in the dust.
Love this, Emma! ?
Emma, you summed it up perfectly. No Contact means so much more than just not texting them or picking up their calls. Sometimes, most of the time, it means removing them completely. Some people are just too toxic for us. Deborah, you did the right thing. It feels awful at times, but you have to take care of you first and foremost.
Emma – can I hug and high 5 you at the same time? I could not agree more 🙂 x
If you did it for YOU and NOT for a reaction, you did the right thing. 🙂 xx
I’m so happy I found this blog and you Natasha.
I recently tried to start off the new year with a clean slate between my ex and I as being friends again (as we had been friends for 10 years before we had our relationsh*t)
I can’t deny it, I do still love him. However he’s emotionally unavailable. As of last week I found out that he had lied to me about several things, when he very well knows that dishonesty is a deal-breaker for me in any kind of relationship.
I’m ashamed to admit it, however I fell off my white horse not even a day after I had found out. I ended up fighting with him and eventually deleted and blocked him on all social media.
I unblocked him today because I figure that it doesn’t matter if I’ve blocked him or not. Why should I care and give him the power of knowing that I was so angry and reactive that I basically wanted to erase his existence from my life? Especially when it’s not a possibility, we share a very close group of friends.
However, I’m committed to staying on the white horse. I’ve finally felt confident and powerful over myself again for the first time in a very long time.
I’m so happy that you are part of this tribe Morgana 🙂 Thank you! You are understood, loved, supported, backed, believed in, and never alone <3 You got this and I believe in you with all my heart. All my love to you soul sister. XOXO
THANK YOU NATAHSA!! For reminding all of us that’s it’s okay if we fall, as long as we get back up! I haven’t broken my no contact for months since the breakup and every time I get the overwhelming urge where it feels like a almost can’t breathe, I actually remember to take a moment, take a deep breath, feel whatever emotions I’m having and just let it go. For me, the cost of falling off that horse and enduring 1 second of pain that it may cause to myself is reason enough for me to stop and think before I let my emotions control my actions. Every day i’m able to stay on my white horse despite how my heart feels, is another day I build my confidence up and love myself a little more by knowing I have my own back and I do not want to let what happened destroy my soul anymore. I’m staying in my own lane and working on me now.
I love you Natasha, this blog has been a blessing for me in getting thru the worst pain and heartbreak I have ever had to go thru. From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU for your words and inspiring all of us to want better for ourselves! You speak from the heart and you always speak the truth and I have nothing but respect for you girl.
Vicki, I’m crying all over my keyboard. The feeling is mutual – thank you for affirming through your connection, love and support that I was never/am never alone in emotions, situations and feelings that for so long, I was convinced that I was alone in. I love you too! 🙂 xx
Thank you, Natasha! This was so timely and you saved me a fall from my white horse. You really did. I have been no contact for 3 months, no social media, nothing. But for some reason, yesterday and today were very tough and I had almost convinced myself that he was “needing” me. That our connection was still so strong, that i could feel him thinking about me. And since i had blocked him on everything, it would be up to me to reach out and i almost did. I am still struggling with missing him, or more to the point, missing the potential and the hope that i saw in him and our relationship. I have realized it doesn’t really matter if he is a narcissist or just broken or just unavailable or just not that into me. He is not good FOR ME. And that is all i really have to know and choosing myself and my self worth needs to be a daily action. All my love to all you amazing women in this tribe. You are not alone. You are loved and valued!!
big big hugs to you Lori… I had tears just reading your last comment. I so know that feeling of the “connection”.. it almost caused me to break no contact, but something always stopped me. I am getting a little stronger every day. I know what it will cost me to have any contact with him and I can’t ever let that pain back in my life.
Keep the faith.
Thanks, Vicki! I love reading your comments on here. Such a wonderful group of women! It helps so much to know we aren’t alone with all this. <3
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing. Thank you for inspiring, loving, connecting with and sharing your journey with us all. You are loved, appreciated, valued and supported always. Love you sister! XO
NATASHA!!! Nuh-tash-uhhh. This is one of your best posts EVER. And that’s saying a lot. I have read almost every single one, (I’m sure I’ve missed a few….but I’ll catch up), and bookmarked so many. I have only commented a few times but this post deserves a full blown reaction.
You are so passionate about every post but this one seems to come from your deepest core. You were so direct and eloquent, on point on every single thing you said. So many quotes to save and ponder. I feel that “staying on your white horse” is one of your nonnegotiables, something you are reeeally passionate about, and yet you tell us exactly what to do if we voluntarily fall off. And you’re like “it’s simple”. Who does that!? You have abundant empathy for your audience, and that is rare. Thank you, so much. You GET us.
And it came at just the right time, which is always how PMS rolls in my life. I was literally after a whole YEAR of no contact about to get off my white horse.
The f*cktard initiated no contact back then, went dark, deleted social media, blocked my calls. After a pleasant friendly convo ab his work and life. No explanation…. I know now he pursued another relationship at that time, but we had been tight friends for a whole year with very sporadic romantic interactions over the phone. I guess I’m saying wtf Bc I had been such a good friend to him, I feel I at least deserved an explanation. So every time you say we shouldn’t have to tell a grown adult how to be respectful or behave…. I remind myself he’s not worth an explanation or a conversation. That has been such a lifeline bc let’s face it we all want to explain ourselves…. to understand…. to make it right. To have proper CLOSURE.
And I would have lowered myself to crazy status if it hadn’t been for YOU. My recent trigger was the new T Swift album. It’s so perfect….. a slam here, a I can’t live without you there, with all the mystery in between. (P.s. T Swift should read PMS based on her lyrics…. I know nothing ab her personal life).
These are the points that hit me hard. There’re not necessarily the main points….but I hope they help someone who is stuck…..getting unstuck is so hard but so freeing!
Let your silence do the talking and always maintain grace under pressure by staying on your white horse.
And don’t worry about the other person forgetting you. They won’t.
(Knowing, truly believing they won’t helps so much….it helps me stay on the white horse.)
Our insecurities, fears, and emotions negate logic. They also negate reality and disable our ability to see the long-term, unf*ckwithable confidence and power that is attained by staying on our white horse and NOT pursuing short-term satisfaction.
(I have a taste of that unf*ckwithable confidence and power and let me tell you it is the MOST empowering thing…. a man and his objective opinions do not define you. Also short-term satisfaction always dies out. It never pays out.)
And that’s the thing… You can never be standing in the control and light of your own power WHILE being emotionally impulsive. And because control/power and impulse cannot coexist, they always come at an emotional cost that we convince ourselves we can afford in the moment, but are never quite able to. None of us will ever have the emotional currency for that.
(?????? This is a major takeaway for LIFE. I’ve never heard anyone else say it. YES. Our culture is primed for impulsive. We have to fight it.)
Don’t ever give people who participated in your dishonoring a reaction. They don’t have anything new to say and neither do you. (Silent pause. We all want to have the last word….. this just negated our last word…. this is genius).
Natasha you have blown me away!! And please tell us what your homeopathic remedy was for your inner healing! I know I’m not the only one wanting to know how to heal from the inside. Xo.
There is nothing that I could say do, give or write to you that would even come close to expressing the love, appreciation, gratitude and connection I feel for and with you. Thank you so much for taking the time to write from that beautiful heart of yours.
As far as the homeopathic remedy that helped me, I’m happy to share 🙂 This is NOT for everyone. It was curtailed toward my unique condition and situation but this is what I did upon my naturopath’s recommendation: No sugar, refined carbs, gluten, dairy, corn, soy or wheat. I drank organic, raw aloe vera juice (from the inner leaf) and grass fed bone broth everyday (my issue was healing my gut and the lining of it). As far as supplements, I drank Pau D’Arco tea 3x per day, took a pharmaceutical grade probiotic, took prebiotics and the herb Berberine. I also drank plenty of water and did Yoga every day + acupuncture to encourage circulation. My dermatitis and eczema were gone within 9 days.
All my love to you. I am so grateful for everything that brought you here because without it, I wouldn’t have met a soul sister. Thank you for existing. XOXO
I was so good for nearly 4 months after my ex and I split. It was the most brutal breakup involving infidelity and basically he dumped me the same night that he confessed that he hooked up with another guy because I wouldn’t forgive him and rejected his advances for sex that same night – I know, a total keeper right!
The four months afterwards were painful but I knew I was on the track and was so committed to staying the course. I was focusing on myself, feeling my feelings, processing everything and taking the first tentative steps towards building a life without him and I was doing pretty great. I had made new friends, took myself on a vacation, started a new job and even though he still existed like a phantom limb in my heart, I had more moments of feeling empowered and happy with myself than feeling his absence and missing him.
All it took was one phone call from him and I got thrown off my white horse.
He asked to meet for a walk to which I agreed (I’m not sure why). When we did meet, I basically observed him perform a conversational jerk-off session as all he talked about was himself. It wasn’t long before we started shouting at each other and stormed off from one another. In that moment I completely caved. Rather than maintaining my dignity and walking home, I ran after him and said so many things that basically stripped me of all my power (i.e – I’m not over you, this has been so hard for me blah, blah, blah). By the time I got home I felt so weak, pathetic and hated myself. I felt like my white horse had galloped off leaving me face-down on the ground.
But here’s the thing I wasn’t face down and my white horse hadn’t galloped away. It was calmly waiting for me until my freak-out ended and let me get back in the saddle when I was ready. I felt like a fool and accepted defeat but was RESOLVED to never let this happen again. I blocked his number from my phone and promised myself that I would take the lessons learned from this experience and use it to create my own happiness.
Fast forward to today (four months later) and my life has completely changed. I no longer carry shame for how I let myself down and have completely regained my power (its amazing what sort of healing effect the passage of time has). But most importantly, the experience helped me to completely redefine my priorities for my life, how I saw myself and what steps I needed to take to ensure that I only surrounded myself with things and people that encourage me to be happy. I’m charging forward with my new job, having a blast with all the new connections I made and, for the first time, since the relationsh*i with what’s-his-face ended, I am basking in the happiness of being single, unattached and living a life focused solely on myself and am loving it. The times where he pops into my head now are few and far between. Whereas before the memory of him would overwhelm me and sour my mood now I merely swat it away like a pesky mosquito.
To anyone out there that has experienced the fall off the white horse, just know that it hasn’t gone too far. Simply waiting for you to find the courage to get back up. My hope is that Natasha’s post will empower you to get off the ground, start anew and use the experience to propel you into the life that you are meant to live.
This made me tear up. Thank you so much for sharing. I am so incredibly proud of and happy for you 🙂 xx
You. Are. Beautiful. And so wise and brave. Keep riding!! Bless you! Love xxxx
Tribe & Natasha,
I would love your advice on how to stay on the white horse (which is my iPhone screensaver BTW) when you work with your ex. I still have to see him 1-2 times a week at the office and it is so hard when he stops by to see how I am doing (and when he doesn’t) as I try to not reach out or engage him but then find myself really sad after I see him. I know may will say to start a new job but realistically that could take time. Has anyone had this issue before? It feels like my wounds never begin to scab over because I see him so often. If you have any tips, tricks, mind judo, etc…I’m open to hearing and trying all of it.
I am so thankful that I discovered a group of supportive, loving and strong women that are feeling the things that I feel.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this blog and the endless amount of encouragement and bravery that is here.
Hi Cris! I love that as a screensaver! 🙂
Hopefully this helps if you haven’t already read it….
Sending you big love. Thanks for being a part of this tribe 🙂 XOXO
I am new to the blog and it is AMAZING. THE BLOG found me at a time in need to say the least. I am currently going through a divorce (a marriage that didn’t even make it to a year). If that’s not embarrassing enough…I found out he was having an affair with a girl he works with. In which, I had to move out of our home. However, I can say that I did not “fall off my white horse”. After finding out, I confronted via text and went to house to confront in person but after that. I WAS DONE. No contact what so ever. However, now I find myself in a tough situation which is questioning my strength and courage as an individual and someone who prides themself of being mentally and physically tough. I met someone October and he too…is divorced. He became so easy to talk to, so supportive, and honestly just a great friend to lean on. When it progressed romantically…I was excited to see where this friendship would take us. One night I questioned him about a comment someone said to me about him being a player and then I proceeded to garner details about his ex (who he was recently broken up with). That weekend I rarely heard from him. I started questioning if I was wrong for wanting to know about his “past” so that I wouldn’t make same mistakes again (being someone’s rebound). After a weekend of barely speaking with him he called and said he could not talk to me anymore and I didn’t trust him and that I wasn’t ready. I feel like the rug was ripped from underneath me. I haven’t talked to him since …but I feel angry, hurt, embarrassed that I trusted him and thought that these conversations were a step in right direction. Boy was I wrong. I have spent the past couple weekends hoping he will call and hoping he will come to his senses. I’m left thinking that maybe I was a rebound, maybe I’m too abrasive, maybe I’m not good enough, maybe I’m broken, etc etc…but your blog has shed some light. THANKY YOU ! 🙂 I’m going to stay on my horse and stop beating myself up!
Hi Shell! I’ve been there before. You did nothing wrong – let him own his reactivity that sounds as though (based on what you wrote), is completely out of touch with reality. I’m honored to have helped and so glad that the post served you! 🙂 Yes, be kind to you – no need to beat yourself up. Sending you love soul sis. XOXO
I’ve been a silent reader of your blog all year. It gave me the courage to remain on the Whitehorse after breaking up with my ex who demonstrated nothing but disrespect and recklessness. I must say that I was doing positively well, unwaveringly ignoring all his texts, until I discovered a little more than 24 hours ago that he’s been sleeping with the girl who became my confidante while I was dealing with the heartbreak. Now, it seems all the months of healing have been negated and I’m back to right where I started. How do I get past this?
Hi Soni! Thank you so much for the love and support 🙂 I’m happy to have helped!
I am so sorry that you’re going through this – that is awful. The only way to get past this is to keep reminding yourself that he ultimately attracted (and got together with), exactly what he exudes. This is not surprising considering how poorly he consistently treated you. I wish that I could answer more but I have too much to say to type it all out; not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot advise in the comments section.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.
I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further ? The link to it is on the homepage.
All my love to you sister.
You’re not alone xo
If you teach all the girls and women to put themselves first, then to who all the f*cktards / emotionally unavailable men go? This is probably the most inspirational way to get revenge on all the exes that mistreated you – deplete of their power of negligence. Not only you cut the their power over you and your life – you advice women to do the same. ‘You are not only raising your value, but you help women all around to finally defend their worth. And what happens in return? Well, there would be less women who would tolerate the disrespect and the dishonesty, that means men would have no way but to surrender their disgraceful carry-on in relationships. I always have greatest respect to women who celebrate other women. So THANK YOU Natasha! Having myself go through painful break up, I have realized , that men are not naturally born with sense of respect towards women. They LEARN throughout their life. And it all depends what teacher they had. Every woman should TEACH what is acceptable and what is not.
Your blog is absolute power and you must be proud of leading a tribe of amazing women ALL on white horses!
Thank you dear SO much for what you do! XXX
HA! Thanks Kristina 🙂 That means the world to me. Thank you for being a part of this tribe and for your love, support, sisterhood and connection. You are a gem. XOXO
Broke up 3 months ago and other than those awful first few weeks , I have been riding that white horse. But…I just don’t understand how you can go from “I love you” to strangers…he knows nothing about me. I could have won the lotto or been diagnosed with cancer…good or bad, he knows nothing. How did we go from day in day out KNOWING about each other to nothingness…how does a person just flip a switch on their heart like that? He just went away and its like we never happened…how can that be…Blindside
. He told me he needed time and space. He was never single his entire adult life. We started dating during the end of the divorce. He never dated anyone but his ex wife and myself. He started dating a woman at 5 weeks after the break. He has not reached out to me since he started dating her but the last email said “I did love you and I love you still. This is just something I have to do…”
I understand his “Why” in his decision. I just don’t understand the “How”…I could never have done this…
Hi Jana! I completely understand. I wish that I could answer and share my thoughts, but I don’t have the time in the days or enough hands to type. I would also need more details. Keeping coming back to the blog – you are heard, understood, empathized with and never, ever alone in this. Sending you so much love. XO
Sending big hugs to you Jana. Your ex sounds eerily similar to mine. Stay strong girl. You have come to the right place for love and support. And Natasha is the reason why so many of us are getting thru the pain and heartbreak. She understands what all of us have gone thru and has empowered us all to see the beauty in ourselves despite what has happened. Read some pf the other blogs on here and you will see what i mean.
You are not alone.
This blog has literally changed my life. I am not the same person I was a year ago because of this blog. I was faced with a very horrible and depressing situation, and I would not have handled it nearly as well as I did because of what I have read here, and applied to my life. I came out ahead. Thank you so much! I mean it!
Your beautiful message made me tear up. I am so happy and honored to have helped. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You go girl. XOX
God bless you, Natasha. Coming to this site tonight was no accident because I fell off my white horse a few days ago, and have been regretting it ever since…but your right, just because you fall off doesn’t mean you have to stay on the ground…thanks so much for your encouragement and good advice…You have no idea how much this article impacted me…I feel so much better now…thanks so much for helping me…
Thank YOU Naomi – from the bottom of my heart – for taking the time to make my day 🙂 I’m so happy to help! XO
I have to thank you so much for all of your blog. I have been reading it over and over for the last few days. I am having the worst holiday of my life. My first and only ever break up is starting and it has been 8 years together and I married this guy. I am just beside myself and your words and advice is everything I need right now. I don’t know what I would do without this blog and your words. I am trying to get on my white horse, look at myself in this relationship and recognize the emotionally unavailable person who lacks empathy that my husband has always been. I am able to better learn from this and start to love myself through this. So… Thank you thank you thank you. This is the most amazing help I ever could have gotten.
Hi Chelsea! Thank YOU for your love, sisterhood, support and for taking the time to share 🙂 I’m so happy to help! XO
I fell off my white horse Xmas day and sent a happy Xmas text on watsapp. Even tho he is with someone else we were together for 15 years. Didn’t get a reply and now feel so stupid for trying to be the mature adult. X
Do not be so hard on yourself Christine. You are not stupid and we have all had our share of falling off. Just brush yourself off and get back on the horse. You are supported and loved here with all of us. One day at a time my dear.
Sending big hugs to you.
And Happy New Year! New beginning my friend.
Got a reply yesterday said he had only just seen it. Thinks I’m stupid he was probably with her. It was just a merry Christmas text nothing heavy. Was going to send a new year txt but I think what is the point??? It’s as if we all those years never mattered now he has someone new. We never argued we never got involved in each other’s lives that was how we both liked it and it worked. Well I thought it was. But now he’s with someone new and doing the whole girlfriend and boyfriend thing. Photos on Facebook she is friends with his friends and family something we never did. It makes me feel like shit an Carney get it out of my head.
Thanks Chris. Xx
Chris if it were me i wouldnt send any texts to him. He doesnt deserve 1 second of your time and attenrion. I know its hard but trust me when i tell you that looking at his profile or following him on social media is just going to drive you insane and hurt you even more. Nothing good will come of it sweetie. I was there… i kept looking in the beginning and i had to stop. It was doing nothing but causing more pain. And also you cant know whats really going on with him and this new girl. I dont care what he posts on FB. Its never the whole story.
You need to take care pf yourself and start turning inwards and give ypurself that love and attention and eventually you will start caring less and less about what hes doing. Have patience with yourself and dont ever feel like you have to get over this overnight. There will be good and bad days….tears and anger but you will get thru this my dear.
We are all here supporting you are never alone with your feelings and thoughts.
Big hugs my friend.
Thank you so much for this Natasha! After 9 months of breakup, the anger was unbearable and I broke no contact by sending him a “grateful letter”. Basically I told him I was grateful to him for showing me my low boundaries and lack of self steem, also for teaching me what I don’t want in a man or in a relationship. To be honest, it felt so great. It was like releasing my heart from a heavy weight. Then I began to feel worried about being labeled as the crazy is GF… A week later his new GF contacted me demanding to stop bothering his boyfriend because I broke his heart and made him suffer, if I had anything else to complain about, I should contact her instead of her BF. I was like whaaaaaaaaat. I mean, he cheated on me with her (according to my ex they were just friends), they began dating a month later after we broke up, he played the victim and spreaded lies about me, and I’m the bad one? Once again I clearly felt the rage boiling in my stomach so, I deleted her inbox and then released my anger in my journal, when I was ready, I burnt the pages. I haven’t heard about them for two months and I finally don’t feel the urge to contact him at all.
Your blog has helped me so much in healing this pain and made me realize that although I also made mistakes, it wasn’t all my fault. Thank you
You go girl. So happy for and proud of you 🙂 I am honored to have helped. Sending you so much love Samantha. XO
Hi Natasha, this is another very helpful article. My misery was caused not by an ex-boyfriend but an ex-friend friend.
I used to work in a hospital library and this friend was a young doctor who took a shine to me and started coming into the library to see me, talk and generally lurk about. In the end he was coming into the library ‘a lot’ and we told each other stuff. He was at least acting like he liked me. No scrub that, he was acting like he had a massive crush on me. I knew him for almost four years until I had to leave my job because of family bereavements and family illness. I told my friend what had happened while it was going on and he was very kind and supportive. The last time I saw him before I left he said “See you soon”, as he left the library, just like he always did.
When I left I let him know what had happened and why, because I didn’t think I should just disappear on him. I also said that I wanted to stay in touch with him. But I heard nothing back from him even though I sent him a few emails and texts which he ignored. All this was very upsetting but I was starting to realise that I wasn’t going to hear back from him and would have begun to heal. However I bumped into him near the hospital a year after I left my job. He looked pleased to see me, said it was good to see me and agreed to meet up and catch up. He was going to get back to me as we would have to work round his shifts. Except he didn’t.
What I should say about him is that he was a very quiet sort of person, an introvert, a loner. He didn’t talk to many people except other doctors, which was what made it so surprising that he was so drawn to me. He is stunningly good looking, which is also something of a torment to woman-kind. I noticed several other women affected by him, but if they tried to talk to him he would ignore them and walk away. A while ago I was talking to one of the doctors who I thought was his friend to ask if he still saw him. This ‘friend’ said no, he didn’t. He knew nothing personal about my friend, when they were on duty together on the wards they only talked about ‘clinical matters’. So it sounded like he doesn’t actually make friends with anyone. Which is what makes it so heartbreaking, he had talked to me about personal stuff.
I found myself repeatedly on the ground after that. I had heard about No Contact, but didn’t know about white horses. I had believed him when he said yes he would like to meet up. I assumed that being quiet he just needed a bit of encouragement, so I tried to contact him several times over the next year, but still nothing back from him. I checked his Facebook page once and he had changed his profile picture. In it he looked totally miserable. I don’t know why he bothered to put an updated photo on there. A few of his FB ‘friends’ made comments about it but he ignored every one of them. I tried to Friend him and sent him a message that was again ignored.
The last time I tried to contact him saying that the invitation to meet was still open, he again ignored me. That was at the beginning of December last year. So I have come to the realisation that he is never going to contact me. I have resolved that I will not contact him again. I actually made it a New Year’s resolution and I intend to keep it. On occasions I wake up in the night and think shall I say such and such to him. But then I think what’s the point. What is so strange to me is that I am starting a new venture, so have started a LinkedIn profile. I am making connections with people, including quite a few people who worked in the hospital. These people knew me, but not that well. While the one person who I really thought was my friend is ignoring me. It hurts horribly.
I am constantly reminded of my friend by songs, cars the same make as his, the current fashion for men to have brushed back hair and short beards. He looked like that when I first met him and he was like the prototype for CloneWorld. He still looks like that. And even though his is not the most common name, it seems that I keep hearing about people with that name. It is driving me crazy. But Natasha’s articles are proving a big help. This article in particular. I often wonder if he remembers me – I still think about him every day. And it sounds like he will. I am making a point of not sending him Happy Christmas or Happy Birthday messages like I used to. At the time he seemed surprised that I wished him Happy Christmas or Birthday. I get the feeling that where he was so quiet, and possibly anti-sociable that not many people, if any wished him that. YOu’re probably thinking why did I like him so much? Because I am quiet too, and he was very nice to me. I don’t find it easy to make friends with people, especially men. But I thought we had made a special connection and I miss him, terribly.
But I have found myself a beautiful white horse, clambered aboard and glued myself firmly to the saddle. I do not intend to ever get off her – she’s a girl horse. Thank you Natasha for writing another inspiring, comforting article. I wish I had found your site two years ago. xx
I feel like I am listening to my own story in so many ways. I see pain that I have felt in your pain and I thank you for taking the time to share. You have no idea how many people you have made feel less alone, less misunderstood, and heard by sharing your experience.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe and for shining your light.
Thank you for existing.
You are loved, understood, empathized with, believed in, backed, supported, appreciated, valued, and never, EVER alone.
Sending big love to you soul sis. xx
Thank you for that lovely response Natasha. It is so comforting to know that there are others here to confide in.
But isn’t it such a shame that we need supportive, comforting sites like yours because we have been hurt so badly by so called friends or loved ones? There seem to be so many heartbroken people all over the world who need comfort and reassurance.
Thank you also for welcoming to the tribe.
Lots of love to you and everyone else on here. xx
I must say that after finding this website and reading your articles I am seeing my ex-friend for who he really is. But I have noticed that I am feeling very unwell. I have headaches, tummy upset, feel almost anxious and most of all I am very tired. I have missed my friend for over two years. Could it be that I am finally letting him go and experiencing some kind of withdrawal symptoms?
I’m not exactly sure about the physical symptoms which could be a multitude of things. Hard for me to go in depth on responses in the comments; I wish that I had more time in the days. I’m happy that the posts are helpful! 🙂 xx
It had been almost 7 years of riding high on my white horse… the. I found out his mom died (we were close). I fell off the horse. I reached out, my mind had me convinced that he needed to know how sorry I was for him, how much she meant to me and that I needed to know he was okay… in 4 minutes, the emotional roller coaster I have put myself on has been nothing short of well not worth it… I broke my own heart this time around though and I’m hoping I can put it back together again, your insighy is the medicine need.
We have all been there and you WILL be okay. You are not alone. All my love to you Ali. xo
You are so prescient beyond your years! You are like my buddhist teacher. I am a man going thru a very traumatic phase in my life and your sage words (though geared towards woman) provide me with much joy, resilience, hope, perseverance, energy.
Thank you so much Amit! I am honored and so happy to help 🙂 Sending you love. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. xx
Natasha, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so generous with your supportive and healing words.
You help me more than you know. Your transparency and generosity is astounding. I love your advice. Its consistently what I need.
I texted him again, sent a pathetic selfie (sans top) and no response. No text. No reaction from him. Its all I’ve wanted and obsessed about since meeting him last year. The level of humiliation goes deep in trying to get him to respond to me. My schemes to illicit him to feel for me are pitiful. Ive wasted so much time obsessing on him. But, as you teach, I can USE this rock bottom, desperate, lonely place to get back up. Grow and transcend into the self reliant, non reactive, calm woman I want to be. I’ve been thinking about being on white horse, which you introduced me to frequently lately. I recently went to an intuitive / reiki healer and she said she saw a WHITE HORSE while clearing my energy. Sending you love and a billion hugs and blessings. Thank you! M
Hi Mari! Wow! ? That’s incredible. I’m so happy and honored to help. I’ve been there and I get it. Don’t worry about sending the photo – he sounds emotionally blind so there’s no need to tie any of your value to that deficiency.
All my love to you ?? xx
First i would like to thank you for being such an inspiration for all of us here. I had been involved with an emotionally unavailable for the first time in my life and gosh he exhausted me and how. I had always been a confident and no crap taking woman but strangely this man made me compromise and adjust my boundaries till i found myself doubting myself and started feeling inadequate…
Two weeks back i said enough was enough and got on my white horse with my confidence boosted but all of a sudden i found myself depressed and missing him badly after a week. I got down my white horse despite knowing that he sucks big time. I was feeling pathetic and so ashamed of myself. After reading this post, i am feeling better. I will get back on my white horse and will stay focus. Yes i can!
Thank you sister.
YES! I want to hug and high-five you simultaneously 🙂 So happy for and proud of you! XOXO
Hi Natasha. I just wanted to say thank you. Im from montreal. Im a french Canadian so my english may not be the best but i really needed to say thank you. Ive been dealing with a real narcissistic and emotionally unavailable ex since 2 years now. He told me I was the woman of his life, a love so strong he never felt before. Told me many times I was his soulmate. Then disapeared and dumped me for no reason. Came back 2 months after this to tell me he was still so deep in love with me he was dreaming of me at night and no one can make me get off his head. Then disappeared again. 5 months after this, he was starting a relationship with a new girl calling her his girlfriend after 3 weeks of dating. The complete opposite and better version of me… I feel ashamed, destroyed, fooled but i still miss him. So thank you. Your blog helps so much!
Your english is perfect 🙂 Thank YOU so much for your love, your connection, for being a soul sister and for being the light that you are. I’m so happy that the posts have helped. You are loved, supported, believed in, and never, ever alone.
If I can get through it, so.can.YOU.
You got this sis. Love you xx
I’ve been seeming someone on and off for 6 years now! In the beginning he was perfect and we were great. Then after about a year he changed it I should say his true colors showed themselves. We ended things but I always question what happened and why it changed and now we only see each other basically when he’s available. I’ve gone no contact numerous times for long periods but he worms his way back in. I know I need to stay on my white horse but it’s not easy!
It’s not easy but it’s SO rewarding and YOU CAN DO IT 🙂 We all believe in, support, and back you 100%. xoxo
I’m in a similar situation. 5 years of back and forth, getting on the white horse with long periods of no contact, but with him eventually weaseling his way back in. The most recent period was 9 months, but the holidays wore me down and when he reached out …I responded. After a month of pretty regular contact again and eventually realizing that he hasn’t changed and continues (and I allow it) to cause me pain, I decided to get back on my white horse and go no contact again today. This time I’m aiming for permanence and no ability to weasel back in. Wondering if you’ve been successful doing the same since your post in September?
Natasha, I want to say, “Thank you,” for writing this article. Each time I feel down or empty inside, I would come back to this blog and re-read most of your articles and it help significantly. Last night, I fell off my white horse by sort of implying that him and I should go hiking again with our dogs via text. His answer was soo vague that I couldn’t tell if that was a yes or a no. You see, I was soo stressed with work, but I was able to end the work day in success, that a compliment text from him just made my day. Of course, I was triggered by it and I was in a state of bliss. Hence, I was not thinking and offered to do a hike. I woke up today, feeling awful and embarrassed, since he didn’t reply much throughout the day and last night. But you know what, I’m getting back onto my white horse. I fell on my back, but I won’t remain there any longer. Again thank you. This post is what I needed to push me to stand back up again.
Thank you so much for sharing ? I have definitely been there. Don’t worry at ALL – keep doing what you’re doing. Stay on your white horse and be grateful for momentarily getting off because it allowed you to recalibrate your focus, reinstate your standards, and reaffirm your boundaries. I’m sure you will hear from him again at some point and you WILL stay on your white horse because you’ve already flushed and you know that the crap that was flushed will never turn into gold. YOU Alisha are solid gold.
All my love to you soul sister. Thank you for your love, support, connection, and for being the light that you are ???
Thank you for this post and for the site, you are a GIFT to womanhood; it has really helped. I am over 50 and have been in a long distance relationship for 12 years 4 years after my divorce. He does everything like a perfect gentleman, shows me love and attention, looks after me my parents, children and siblings, even my friends BUT he has not married me. He tells me I am the best thing that happened to him and would marry me but he has been pushing the “goal post” every time that I do get insecure and worry about why he would not commit to me. I am aware that he cheats as well but tells me I am his main woman and that he would change BUT he hasn’t. He trusts me and kept ALL his priced possession with me including a substantial amount of money. I got fed up with being on the “treadmill” of a relationship and decided to go no contact 17 days ago, prior to going no contact I asked where to send his funds to but he said nothing. He has been calling and texting me several times daily but I NEVER got off my white horse. Yesterday he called frantically and sent text messages about him needing some of the money with me, I accidentally dialed his number but quickly cancelled the call but responded to his message about where he wanted his money transferred to etc. he ended up using the opportunity to say that I was making a big mistake, that he is waiting for me and that we should talk BUT I fear that engaging him will just result in status quo. I do not know what to do now as I still love him 🙁 but feel so bad that I let myself down, what do I do now? need help
Hi ? I wish that I had the time to advise but would need more details. This is why it’s so hard for my to give any advice in the comments section (thank you for your kindness and understanding). I would take care of whatever financial matters you need to but would not engage with him and would remain in no contact. You deserve better. XOXO
I’ve re-read this article many times, and it has helped me stay on my white horse on many occasions recently. But it’s quite painful to stay on today…it’s been a day of serious triggers. I fell off my white horse a couple months ago, and my emotionally impulsive decision to contact him after a year, led to a weeks worth of “talking” that just triggered all the pain I endured from his cheating on me and lying and leaving me for the other girl when I had found out. During our “talks” that week, he “listened” to me, apologized, told me he hurt a good person, thinks about me “occasionally”, but then asked to me my “friend” all while he still is with the other person. I’m not sure what I was looking for by falling off my white horse and talking to him again that week, but him telling me I was nothing more than a “friend” triggered my pain and emotional reactivity to the point he took the power back and did the blocking. I have never reached out again, althogh it wouldn’t be possible even if I attempted to fall off the white horse (I want back on desperately though!!).
So, my question is, how do you get back on the white horse after that kind of humiliation and abandonment from the one who broke your heart more than once, and who has taken the power back completely?
I appreciate all your words, honesty, and encouragement! It has been a source of healing and connection in so many ways and helps me feel less alone through this type of pain!
I am so happy and honored to help 🙂 Thank you for sharing and for being a part of this tribe. I wish that I had the time to answer in the comments section, but I will try to write a post on this very soon. Bottom line: it’s okay. We have all done this at one point or another. Just make the decision now to be done. He will expect you to react to the blocking. Get back on and stay on. You got this 🙂 All my love to you sister. xo
I fell off my white horse today.
If I’m being honest, I jumped.
Not in terms of contact, but I did say some pointed things on social media.
After going no contact and ignoring numerous crumb-like texts for 9 months, I broke no contact and responded when he reached out around Thanksgiving. When he reached out again at Christmas (“I miss you,” “you’re the love of my life,” “you’re the only one in my heart”) I actually agreed to see him. I was sucked back into the false promises of the last 5 years. Knowing better but still telling myself..maybe he’s finally changed (however, still not fully divorced, still no therapy…all talk, no action). Even in spite of knowing better, I fell off the white horse on NYE, ringing in midnight crying on the phone…telling him he’d led me on and become hot and cold again. I was so disappointed in myself because I was so close to moving on prior to Thanksgiving and now here I was raw, feeling panicked about starting the process all over, dealing with the disbelief that I allowed this to happen again. I’m 2 days into no contact again and it’s hard, wanting him to reach out and fight for me, validate that I’m worth it, that this time he really did mess up and is scared to lose me, but also relieved that he isn’t reaching out. Reading all of your shared experiences helps so much and of course, I appreciate you Natasha for knowing exactly what it is we need to hear and creating a wealth of wise words that we can come back to time and time again. This community is my strength and truth. Thank you!!
I have so been there and am honored to help in any way. It’s what I live for.
You are never alone and if I can get back up on my white horse, we can do it together. I believe in and love you. xoxo
Natasha, I have been heavily struggling with breaking the unhealthy patterns I have been engaging in with my ex for too long. He recently blocked me (def not the first time) because he believes it’s the only way for me to move on but in reality it’s clearly all a game to him. Him blocking me actually does help me to move on though. I blocked him the same night which was two days ago. My issue is that we go to the same gym and I’ve told him in the past I often like to go when he’s there even when we are not talking at the time which I did today, two days after he blocked me. He hates that I pretend like I don’t know him. I don’t do anything other than workout, I don’t look at him, no reaction no nothing BUT maybe now that I’m finally finding my strength, I’m becoming more angry with myself for still going when he’s there. Does this classify as me falling off my white horse because I clearly should avoid going when he does. This has been an ongoing pattern, how can I finally break it in an effort to prove to him and myself that I’m finally DONE?!
I wish that I had the time to directly advise in the comments (thank you for your understanding and kindness ????). This is why I set up coaching because I have questions, more to say, and not enough time to type it all out. Based on the info you gave I would not go to that particular gym anymore. Sending you so much love and support xo
Thank you so much for getting back to me! I knew the answer to that question but I wanted your opinion. I will do that and stay on my white horse! ? How do I get more info on your coaching?!
I am so glad I found this site! Natasha, you give me so much motivation! Thank you!
I’m so happy to help ?? Thanks for being a part of this tribe Jess ?
Dear Natasha, thanks from the bottom of my heart for this post. I fell off my white horse today after 2 months of NC.
I spend last 3 hours to hate myself for sending the stupid text to him after I saw something on Instagram that trigged me.
After reading this post, I just feel much better now ??
my white horse & I will continue our ride to the ‘indifference’ land.
Much much love to you from Denmark
So happy that it helped!! I really hope that one day we can meet in person 🙂
Don’t get down on yourself at ALL – we have all been there. The key is to just get right.back.on. This is not anything that can’t be undone.
You GOT THIS and we have each other. Always.
Love right back to you from Los Angeles. xx
Thank you so much for the words you’ve written on this post. It is helping me to move on from a really bad breakup that i am going through.
Thank YOU Lily for being a part of this tribe and for affirming that I was/am never alone in my pain, experiences and feelings. You are loved and never alone. xox
Thank you so much Natasha and all the girls who share the same grief as me. I want so badly to stay on my white horse but doing that means he will never come back into my life. He saw another girl soon after we started dating and it made me upset, he dumped me but then said maybe we could stay in touch and after a few months maybe a year he might come back when he’s done with her. Is this realistic? I feel so depressed and hopeless. We have so much in common and always had a great time together and I still can’t believe he could do this. I still miss him so much.
I stumbled upon this while I was trying to find something to soothe my soul after heartache and falling off the white horse, as you call it.
I was ashamed of myself. I am a successful woman in every area of my life thus I was ashamed about the lack of self control and felt like i wrote my dignity off.
This article is 2 plus years old and yet it gave me back my self respect. Back on the horse, staying there and galloping one step at a time. Thank you!!
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. You are backed, believed in, understood, loved, appreciated, and never, EVER alone. I’m happy that the post helped <3
Thank YOU for your love, connection, support, and for being a part of this tribe. You got this. xxx
I fell off of my white horse a year and a half after no contact. The longest time I have ever gone without speaking to him. I don’t know how I allowed it to happen, but it’s done. This article is helping me to not beat myself up over it and just dust myself off and keep moving. I spiraled for a second because I could t believe I let him get to me again after so much time and effort that I put in. This article truly saved me.
I am in tears of so much gratitude and appreciation for you. Thank you for taking the time to share. Thank you for being a part of this tribe.
Thank you for existing.
This is what I live for: to give everything that I wish I would have had. You are not alone my friend. So happy that the post helped. You got this BB! XOX
It s hard.
I have just got back up. Hope this time will last.
This article literally saved my life. I ve never fell of my white horse after the break up until yesterday.. i humiliated myself , i cried my heart out to him in voice messages and ofc i didnt get any answer back .. we were together for a long time,he was my first love and he did the breakup in the most cruel way possible why i was in hospital through the phone.. i went through an immense pain during these months , after he contacted me to move out i just lost my control and fell of my white horse.. i felt such a shame this morning , my friend wanted me to take an anxiolytic because i was panicking so much but then i reminded myself i need no medication, your articles were always my help and got through my darkest times and after reading this article again i cant thank you enough for saving my life,
lots of love from France
My Dear Juliette,
I am in tears of such gratutide for your love and connection, but also, heartbreak in empathizing with you. I have been exactly where you are and please believe in when I say, if I can do it alone…
We *most definitely* can do it together. Keep coming back here to the blog and just know that you have a whole tribe here supporting, loving, believing in, and backing you 100%.
I hope one day to be back in France and give you the biggest hug in person (and then, go get some afternoon tea and desserts together).
Love you, my dear soul sister. You can do this and you are never, ever alone. Xx
I know it’s a few years since you wrote this but 12 months after he left me and our 4 kids after 12+ years I’ve constantly fell off the White Horse until my breakdown two weeks ago and mental health professionals told me to cut all contact. I’ve been a doormat, a booty call, everything to an emotionally unavailable man. It kills me not to see any empathy no remorse no nothing for what he did (I’m no angel myself) but I get no respect as the mother of his kids.
This and your other articles have given me so much insight that it’s the best thing for me, physically, mentally and emotionally to heal from him. We have a parenting plan in place so I don’t need to see or hear from him for a good while. Obviously if something happens to the kids which is where I will reach out. But I won’t be getting down off my White Horse for him again.
Last time I had to deal with four grieving Children for him leaving but now a year on they have adapted to their new life so now it’s time I look after myself and try be the best possible mother i can be for my children without him in it.
I am so proud of and happy for you, Julia. And I am so honored to have helped in any way through my posts. You are loved, understood, valued, supported, and not alone in this (or ever).
And you are an incredible Mother and person. Your self-awareness will set you F R E E.
You got this. I believe in you, as does everyone in this community.
All my love to you, sister. xo
Thanks you I’m feeling ready to ride again
I like what I have read and listened to so far – looking forward to riding
So happy it’s helped! 🙂 I live to give everything that I wish I would have had.
You are not alone. Sending you all my love. You got this! Xx