I will never be able to reiterate enough times the importance of knowing exactly what to do in your most painful, desperate, and triggered moments: stay on your white horse.
ALWAYS stay on your white horse. Let your silence do the talking and don’t worry about the other person forgetting you. They won’t.
Think about it – when it’s a holiday or your birthday, who do you remember more? – The people who wished you a happy birthday/holiday or the one who didn’t?
Be your own knight in shining armor. The only people who are interested in saving you, are the ones who feel that by doing so, they’ll be able to secure control over your emotional weather. Emotionally available lovers and friends won’t be turned on by having to save you out of your own insecurities. Be the responsive class act that everyone is in awe of instead of the reactionary psycho who needs a muzzle and a leash. Exhibit grace under pressure when all you want to do is retaliate and react.
A monkey could snap its fingers, flip its hair, and throw out a few one-liners that are sharper than a dagger. It takes someone with real power and strength to remain calm, communicate through her actions, and move on.
There’s no need to be the moral police or anyone’s emotional training wheels here. You don’t need to show grown adults “the right way” to behave or lose your cool and get crazy labeled. It’s not your job. Don’t allow people to set off your triggers and push your buttons. Only YOU know the combination to that lock. Not them.
If you want someone to know how you truly feel and get an idea of what they have done: Stay calm. Never lower yourself to a level in which you attempt to re-package and throwback pain and/or drama that they caused, just so you can feel like you’re in control for a hot minute. It will boomerang right back every time.
And while that could make all of the logical sense in the world…
Sometimes, our emotions negate logic. They can also negate reality and disable our ability to see the long-term, unf*ckwithable confidence and power that is attained by staying on our white horse and NOT pursuing short-term satisfaction.
Short-term action is always taken very quickly on emotional impulse after being triggered. It could be a social media post, a “like” on his photo from someone you don’t know, a song… anything.
And there you are with the biggest wave crashing down on you. Instead of grasping to the knowingness that this wave, like all waves, will pass and you WILL survive, you frantically look for a life raft to grasp in the form of re-engaging, blocking, unfollowing, contacting his Mom, etc. And the “life raft” that you are convinced will keep you afloat only proves to do so as long as you give over your dignity, reputation, power, and self-esteem to inflate it.
For the last 8 days, I’ve been dealing with the worst case on dermatitis ON MY FACE and cannot tell you how many times I’ve inspected my skin in the mirror while crying my eyes out.
There were so many times I got in my car to go pick up the prescription for a strong steroid creme waiting for me at the pharmacy. I knew that the creme would knock it out fast, but then what? I’ve tried the cremes before and although it does remedy the cosmetic issue, it creates a whole host of others.
I didn’t want to create a dependency on the creme or damage my skin further in the name of a “must-fix-this-now” freak out. So, I went to a naturopath (not for everybody, this is just what I chose to do), and healed the problem from within. For once in my life, I’m not worried at all about it returning because I am now in control. My skin is not only back to normal, but it looks better than it ever has.
And that’s the thing…
You can never be standing in the light of your own power WHILE being emotionally impulsive. It’s tough enough living in a society that feeds on cracking our impulse codes and draining our wallets. Why do we submit to cracking our own?
Whether it’s with a fake friend, an ex, a family member or in business, I have found myself re-engaging because of these Armageddon-type waves that would come crashing down. I like to call them pain contractions. I was triggered, hurt, I needed closure, and deep down… I needed the validation that I wasn’t as forgettable and discardable as my ex’s actions made me feel.
It never worked. It just depleted me of my power, made me look crazy and destroyed my chances of ever being “The One That Got Away,” because I couldn’t leave well enough alone. Even after the initial fall from my white horse.
I’ve gotten off of my white horse many times in the name of “sticking up for myself.” It wasn’t. It was my own reverse narcissism at its zenith. I didn’t know what to do.
There is truly no one in my life who’s ever f*cked with and hurt me more than I’ve f*cked with and hurt myself.
How do you know what to do when you give into your triggers and (willingly) fall right off of your white horse?
HOW do you deal when you were doing SO WELL and in a weak moment, broke no contact and now everything has gone to complete sh*t?
How do you clean the mess you just made? Is there any hope of ever getting your power back?
There is. And it’s simple.
Here’s what to do…
As far as what to do and how to get back on your white horse after falling off, you first need to identify where you’re at.
You are most likely in that horrible limbo of feeling pathetic, defeated, stupid, angry at yourself, and in many ways, back at square one; not knowing at all what to do.
Instead of allowing those feelings to infiltrate to such an extent that they disable your emotional survival instincts and power from kicking in, feel every ounce of the emotions that you’re feeling. FEEL the pain, the bruises, and the COST of getting off of your white horse.
If you don’t vow to USE these feelings and this experience as propellant out of ever re-engaging again, you’ll keep engaging from the justification mentality of “what’s-the-use-?-I’ve-already-ruined-it,” and then become a sitting duck for doormat/f*ck buddy status.
You are not pathetic or weak. You fell off and it’s okay. One of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite people, Les Brown:
“When life knocks you down, try to land on your back. Because if you can look up, you can get up. Let your reason get you back up.”
We have ALL been there. We’ve all lost our cool, our dignity, and our sanity. Allow that depletion to be your REASON to get back up and on your white horse.
The ability to say “no” and back it up with consistent actions that are rooted in the respect you have for yourself is solid GOLD.
The day that you’re able to say “no more” (even after taking an embarrassing tumble off of your white horse) is the day that you’ll start getting your confidence and power back.
After one of my past relationships, I really struggled for four months. I missed him and thought about him every day. Although I knew deep down it was the right thing to do, no contact felt like the worst punishment of all.
All it took was seeing a comment on his social media from a girl who was everything I wasn’t and I caved in the worst way. After calling him and embarrassing the sh*t out of myself, I didn’t know what to do.
I finally got to the point where I just threw all the chips up in the air.
And it taught me a very valuable lesson.
There is a certain power in surrender and letting go. At that moment, I decided to surrender to relational defeat.
I said to myself: “I’m sick of holding all these chips. I’ll take the loss; I don’t care anymore. I’m throwing these chips up in the air and letting them fall as they may. This person will never be who he presents himself to be. I’m going to take this loss and start claiming the emotional riches earned from lessons learned, instead of spending them on reinvesting in relational Ponzi schemes. I may have lost a lot but I’ll be damned if I lose my mental and physical health over this.”
When you don’t know what to do or where to turn, think of this:
The best athletes in the world didn’t get to their status by not accepting, denying, “fact-checking” in the name of reengaging, crap talking, or disrespecting their defeats in any way. They got to that level by getting back on their white horse, surrendering to the wounds, the losses, and using the feelings associated with their acceptance of defeat to propel them into unparalleled excellence.
I finally knew what to do. I stopped the insanity; I stopped the attention mongering, the stalking, and the madness.
For once, I prioritized peace over emotionally cutting.
And day by day, I started to get better.
My best advice for not knowing what to do after you’ve fallen off of your white horse?
Know that no matter how much you believe right now that you have irreparably messed up, you haven’t.
Time + consistent dedication to closing your door (and bolting it shut) does wonders.
You don’t need to explain yourself. Decide to STOP and revel in the peace of that decision.
The sky won’t fall and you will most likely hear from your ex again.
The ego boost for them that you falling off of your white horse is, is often too addicting for them to not throw crumbs at again sometime in the future.
Don’t ever give people who dishonored you a reaction. They don’t have anything new to say and neither do you.
Forgive yourself by accepting relational defeat so that you can be the superstar emotional athlete that your destiny has already deemed you as being.
You don’t owe anyone anything.
The only person who you will ever owe EVERYTHING to is yourself – you owe it to yourself to accept defeat. It’s the only way to reclaim the pen to YOUR life story and rise from these ashes.
If you were watching your life in a movie theater right now, you wouldn’t throw your drink at the screen, get up and leave because the main character (you), didn’t denigrate himself/herself more and allow defeat to paralyze him/her. You would you rooting for him/her to get the hell up. And that’s what makes a dynamic character: the ability to get up after being knocked to the ground and left for dead.
Dynamic characters are the most attractive, alluring, and emulated people on earth.
They acknowledge and own when they fall off of their white horse. And the difference between them and 99% of the population?
And they thrive DESPITE the scars, the falls, and the consequences of their emotionally impulsive decisions in the past.
The best propellant for massive change in my life has come from acting on the shameful feelings associated with the consequences of being an imperfect HUMAN. A human who was no longer willing to use the outcome of her impulsive actions to conveniently define her worth. A human who decided to forgive herself, get up and say “no more,” through her actions.
The courage to get back up in the face of paralyzing shame is not an acquired talent, it’s an innate gift.
Stop denying yourself of your own emotional riches.
So, you messed up and don’t know what to do? Get up.
Your white horse is waiting.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.