The number one question I get asked by my readers who are straight women is how to attract men. And although this post addresses that question, the contents can be applied to any orientation or gender.

If you do a simple Google search on “how to attract men,” here are some of the things that come up:

• Be mysterious.
• Play hard to get.
• Display intelligence and depth.
• Dress for him, not other women.
• Flirt with body movements and body language.
• Wear perfume.
• Don’t act desperate or easy. Give him a challenge!
• Put your best assets on display.
• “Tilt your head forward and look at him in the eye as you engage your core muscles.” (?!)
• Uncross your arms when talking to him.
• Pretend to drop something and slowly pick it up.

And the list goes on.

When it comes to knowing how to attract men, here’s the thing…

Yes, it’s important to make sure that you look and feel good, but aside from being insulting to your intelligence (and setting you up for embarrassment at best and a toxic transactionship at worst), all the above points do is teach you how to AUDITION.

Think about it.  All of those “tips” are absolutely no different than what an actor auditioning for a role would do.

Are relational auditions effective? If you don’t mind crumbs, they definitely can be.

Some auditions turn into one-night stands, some turn into toxic relationships, fake friendships and some even turn into sh*tty, disconnected marriages. Auditioning is also the foundation of relationships with toxic family members.

I auditioned my entire life. I auditioned for my parents, friends, family, teachers, bosses, coworkers, and men.

Looking back, whenever I felt like I “got the part,” it was just that – a role; a part to PLAY.

And as much as I hoped and dreamed for that once-in-a-lifetime soulmate connection, what I didn’t realize was that I was robbing myself of the ability to attract it. In fact, the lack of connection in my life was the sole source of my unhappiness.

I thought that if I could “be good enough” and give the perfect audition, a genuine connection between me and the other person would naturally follow.

Engaging in this pattern busied me up to such an extent, I became obsessed with perfecting my audition. This gave me a license to avoid connecting with myself (so that I didn’t have to genuinely connect with others), and continue to over-value the superficial.

Why do we audition in our relationships?

Auditioning happens because it’s the cheapest, most accessible armor available to those who lack self-esteem. As long as we focus on and obsess over on how we’re being perceived, it blocks us from having to ever be vulnerable. It also prevents us from potentially being rejected for the one thing that we’re the most scared of being: ourselves.

We know that when we audition, there’s a higher probability of rejection; only one “lucky” person gets chosen. Also, we need validation like we need oxygen, and auditioning is ALL about validation. If we get rejected, we take it personally and then, fill the self-fulfilling prophecy of “I’m not good/pretty/sexy/perfect enough. ” This makes us even more laser-focused on “getting it right” the next time.

Because we’re obsessed with the superficial, we only attract others who are just as superficially based (and then, wonder why we don’t feel connected to our partner).

How to attract men (and good people in general)

Whether you’re talking to a man, a friend, coworker, or even the person handing you your morning coffee or bagging your groceries, make an effort to connect before the need to audition kicks in.

Look at the person in the eye. Smile. Ask them how they’re doing.

When you stop obsessing over how you appear, you’ll be more able to focus on what really matters: figuring out if there’s even a connection there (and, at the very least, brightening someone’s day).

No matter who you’re talking to (unless, of course, you know that the person is toxic), ask yourself: “How can I connect here?” “How can I make this person feel as seen and heard as I wish I was?”

This puts an end to social anxiety. You’re no longer worrying if you have a hair out of place, sound stupid, or have something in your teeth. And, if after talking with them, you realize that there’s not a connection, it’s no longer personal. The decisions, words, and behavior of others aren’t internalized anymore.

It’s like if I went to some remote location and started crying because I had no service on my cell phone. “But I’m a great customer! I pay my bill on time every month! I should be able to get a connection anywhere, shouldn’t I?” The absence of phone service isn’t about me not being a good customer. It’s just a bad area with no connection.

When it comes to knowing how to attract men, remember this: what turns men on the most is a woman who puts her desire for connection on the forefront – not validation. The ability to connect comes across to the right men as confident, independent, and attractive. It separates you from the pack. Being thirsty for validation lowers your value – in both his eyes and your own.

Good guys (yes, they are out there), don’t continue to take advantage of women who audition. They’re just turned off by it.

Conventional beauty will fade after a few minutes if you’re an uninteresting person who’s obsessed with being “perfect.”

Here in Los Angeles, thousands of actors audition every day. Auditioning is nerve-wracking because you can’t connect with the one person that’s hopefully, going to hire you and recognize your talent (the casting director). The only thing you can connect with is the character you’re trying to play.

The key to getting out of the bad luck with men, out of the pain, and out of the self-doubt is by getting OUT of your own “must be perfect” head. It’s great to have high standards but perfectionism is the most destructive one of all.

Looking back, the majority of the time I’ve wasted obsessing about a mediocre date, a fleeting conversation, job interview, etc., I failed to acknowledge that I wasn’t even feeling a connection to the guy, conversation, job, etc. I was so obsessed with “getting the part,” and coming across a certain way, it sent a signal to my ego that if I screwed up, I’d be missing out on a once-in-a-lifetime part. To play.

This is why most couples on The Bachelor struggle. The contestants have so little time with the bachelor, they have no choice but to be extra image-conscious at the beginning (and audition as a result because they want to win). This robs both people of the opportunity to figure out whether there’s a genuine connection until much later down the line when the drama (and pressure) is at an all-time high.

Guess what?

You’re already living that dream role. You are the only main character in your life story. And you can choose to take back the pen and rewrite it any time you want.

No auditioning necessary.

Written by: Natasha Adamo