The number one question I get asked by my readers who are straight women is how to attract men. And although this post addresses that question, the contents can be applied to any orientation or gender.
If you do a simple Google search on “how to attract men,” here are some of the things that come up:
- Be mysterious.
- Play hard to get.
- Display intelligence and depth.
- Dress for him, not other women.
- Flirt with body movements and body language.
- Wear perfume.
- Don’t act desperate or easy. Give him a challenge!
- Put your best assets on display.
- “Tilt your head forward and look at him in the eye as you engage your core muscles.” (?!)
- Uncross your arms when talking to him.
- Pretend to drop something and slowly pick it up.
And the list goes on.
When it comes to knowing how to attract men, here’s the thing…
Yes, it’s important to make sure that you look and feel good, but aside from being insulting to your intelligence (and setting you up for embarrassment at best and a toxic transactionship at worst), all the above points do is teach you how to AUDITION.
Think about it. All of those “tips” are absolutely no different than what an actor auditioning for a role would do.
Are relational auditions effective? If you don’t mind crumbs, they definitely can be.
Some auditions turn into one-night stands, some turn into toxic relationships, fake friendships and some even turn into sh*tty, disconnected marriages. Auditioning is also the foundation of relationships with toxic family members.
I auditioned my entire life. I auditioned for my parents, friends, family, teachers, bosses, coworkers, and men.
Looking back, whenever I felt like I “got the part,” it was just that – a role; a part to PLAY.
And as much as I hoped and dreamed for that once-in-a-lifetime soulmate connection, what I didn’t realize was that I was robbing myself of the ability to attract it. In fact, the lack of connection in my life was the sole source of my unhappiness.
I thought that if I could “be good enough” and give the perfect audition, a genuine connection between me and the other person would naturally follow.
Engaging in this pattern busied me up to such an extent, I became obsessed with perfecting my audition. This gave me a license to avoid connecting with myself (so that I didn’t have to genuinely connect with others), and continue to over-value the superficial.
Why do we audition in our relationships?
Auditioning happens because it’s the cheapest, most accessible armor available to those who lack self-esteem. As long as we focus on and obsess over on how we’re being perceived, it blocks us from having to ever be vulnerable. It also prevents us from potentially being rejected for the one thing that we’re the most scared of being: ourselves.
We know that when we audition, there’s a higher probability of rejection; only one “lucky” person gets chosen. Also, we need validation like we need oxygen, and auditioning is ALL about validation. If we get rejected, we take it personally and then, fill the self-fulfilling prophecy of “I’m not good/pretty/sexy/perfect enough. ” This makes us even more laser-focused on “getting it right” the next time.
Because we’re obsessed with the superficial, we only attract others who are just as superficially-based (and then, wonder why we don’t feel connected to our partner).
How to attract men (and good people in general)
Whether you’re talking to a man, a friend, coworker, or even the person handing you your morning coffee or bagging your groceries, make an effort to connect before the need to audition kicks in.
Look at the person in the eye. Smile. Ask them how they’re doing.
When you stop obsessing over how you appear, you’ll be more able to focus on what really matters: figuring out if there’s even a connection there (and, at the very least, brightening someone’s day).
No matter who you’re talking to (unless, of course, you know that the person is toxic), ask yourself: “how can I connect here?” “How can I make this person feel as seen and heard as I wish I was?”
This puts an end to social anxiety. You’re no longer worrying if you have a hair out of place, sound stupid, or have something in your teeth. And, if after talking with them, you realize that there’s not a connection, it’s no longer personal. The decisions, words, and behavior of others aren’t internalized anymore.
It’s like if I went to some remote location and started crying because I had no service on my cell phone. “But I’m a great customer! I pay my bill on time every month! I should be able to get a connection anywhere, shouldn’t I?” The absence of phone service isn’t about me not being a good customer. It’s just a bad area with no connection.
When it comes to knowing how to attract men, remember this: what turns men on the most is a woman who puts her desire for connection on the forefront – not validation. The ability to connect comes across to the right men as confident, independent, and attractive. It separates you from the pack. Being thirsty for validation lowers your value – in both his eyes and your own.
Good guys (yes, they are out there), don’t continue to take advantage of women who audition. They’re just turned off by it.
Conventional beauty will fade after a few minutes if you’re an uninteresting person who’s obsessed with being “perfect.”
Here in Los Angeles, thousands of actors audition every day. Auditioning is nerve-wracking because you can’t connect with the one person that’s hopefully, going to hire you and recognize your talent (the casting director). The only thing you can connect with is the character you’re trying to play.
The key to getting out of the bad luck with men, out of the pain, and out of the self-doubt is by getting OUT of your own “must be perfect” head. It’s great to have high standards but perfectionism is the most destructive one of all.
Looking back, the majority of the time I’ve wasted obsessing about a mediocre date, a fleeting conversation, job interview, etc., I failed to acknowledge that I wasn’t even feeling a connection to the guy, conversation, job, etc. I was so obsessed with “getting the part,” and coming across a certain way, it sent a signal to my ego that if I screwed up, I’d be missing out on a once-in-a-lifetime part. To play.
This is why most couples on The Bachelor struggle. The contestants have so little time with the bachelor, they have no choice but to be extra image-conscious at the beginning (and audition as a result because they want to win). This robs both people of the opportunity to figure out whether there’s a genuine connection until much later down the line when the drama (and pressure) is at an all-time high.
You’re already living that dream role. You are the only main character in your life story. And you can choose to take back the pen and rewrite it any time you want.
No auditioning necessary.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.
Natasha!! What a truly magnificent post. I love it. A call to the Badass! Auditioning is absolutely the heart of the issue, and to do so sets the direction of all the wearying, effortful not-enough recycling toxicity that follows. I think women have been conditioned to audition and it serves the interests of so many industries that feast on the need it generates. Don’t start me on that!! You have a wonderful and powerful ability to name the ‘nub of the crux’ in your posts … always a joy to see in my inbox. Love Helen xxx???
This made my day. I’m so happy that the post served you.
YES! I couldn’t agree more about how many industries (school as well) it serves the intrest of.
Thank you for being here Helen and for being you. Xx
For me, the auditioning started in my childhood. I grew up in a dysfunctional family where the golden child, not me, was seen as perfect. Me, the scapegoated black sheep, was constantly being told I was not good like golden child. Yet, I never wanted to be like golden child as I saw her as pathetic and weak but if I ever needed to have any ounce of “love” , placed in asterisks as it was not love, then I had to behave like golden child.
This followed me into my marriage with narcissist. I am now cast out from my family , so much less drama in my life now, and divorced from narcissist , a blessing, and living my life without auditioning for no one.
Thank you for this well written article. Stay true to you and those who value independent truth live-er’s , you will never have to audition for.
Wow. What an incredible person and writer you are Susan. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing. Amen!! xox
This is so very important for all of us. It it a powerful piece of knowledge because we as women have been taught that we need to audition for so many roles. We pour so much time in to the way we look and how we should act in order to get what we want. Relationships seem to be the biggest area that we exercise this ritual in. This post gives hope and truth because like you say, once the glamour part is over, what is left to be attracted to? I don’t know if I will ever date again but I know I will never audition again ?. I wish I would have known this years ago but it’s never too late.
I love you and all your words of wisdom and encouragement. We need confidence always and you give that to the tribe.
Thank you my sister. Be well.
I love you Linda. And I look forward to your thoughts after every blog post. You are the friend, sister, and soulmate that I wish everyone could have in their life. Love and appreciate you. Xo
This was so beautifully written Natasha. I am always blown away by your analogies and perspective. Thank you for being who you are and sharing these thoughts with those of us to bring us the comfort we need, especially during these very challenging times. God bless you always, love you. xoxo
My Dearest Rosa,
I can’t put into words how much I’ve missed you. Nor can I express how excited I am to see you soon my sister. Thank you for finding me. Thank you for surviving everything you have, and thank you for being such an inspiration in my life.
You make me want to be a better person. Love and appreciate you. xox
Miss you so much! Can’t wait to see you! Love you! xoxoxo
Natasha. Well done! Audition/Dramas are those I dislike! Big turn off. Really. Base on what!?? To win n trap? Geez. Not good. That what I realized with exes. Everything seem to be staged. Not go the flow. The more I read new articles the more I feel much realize that whatsoever I tried was mostly approximately (right things). Pull n Push is also thing to WATCH OUT! Lastly using Bachelor Show is a perfect example. To me BIG turn off. I rarely watch that show except “boring” nothing to watch but there it is. Oh there few hotties. Curious watch. Blahs blahs dramas blahs. Till next hour come in switch channel. ? Thank for this article, Natasha.
Now and on I’ll try to remember whenever (if) friend (potential relationship?) happen to love that Bachelor Show. I WILL RUNnnnnn through wall, wall, wall, and then bricks OUT! ???
Every time I post, I look forward to your comments. This one made me laugh out loud. You are incredible John and such an inspiration to us all. Hope that you, your daughters, and your family are all doing well. My Mom and I send our love.
Natasha. You are an inspiration-championship You do enlighten lot of readers around the Venus! A few from Mars ?. Sound like y’all are doing great. Take easy. John
Thank you for being you John. Every time I feel sorry for myself or am going through a hard time, I think of you – all that you have survived, all that you’ve conquered, and all that you are.
Natasha and readers. I want y’all to know this what you mentioned was exact similar as few of other people been telling me. When I went to a restaurant by a surprise a (long lost) friend happened to work there. She was having REAL very bad and stressful week. All of suddenly this was reminder that exact similar you mentioned above. Then she realized. Made her a day. Guess we all have opposite side of fortunately and unfortunately that majority fortunately not thought about those unfortunately and Vice versa. Sigh. Hey. Take easy. ?? Till then… John.
> No matter who you’re talking to, ask yourself: “how can I connect here?” “How can I make this person feel as seen and heard as I wish I was?”
This is true in case of “normal” people but this approach also works like honey to a narcissist. Before you know it you have exchausted yourself with all this attention and giving only to notice that it has been completely one-sided and there is nothing left of you. So I would say there is a bit more to it than just genuine interest in other people. 🙂
That’s why I have so many posts on narcissists, emotionally unavailable, and toxic people in general.
Thank you so much, Liz, for pointing this out!! xo
Thanks so much for this blog and post! I have problems defining if I have a connection with a guy or not and what does this mean. I am usually genuinely curious about other people and think that I can learn something from everyone, therefore, as long as I like them, I start seeing only the positives about our interaction. Also when they are inconsistent, I tend to focus on the good things that I am still learning from them. I value the connection and my learning more than preserving my emotional energy or pride. I feel like they enrich me more. But this means that many times I neglect the red flags and then anyways end up disappointed but, at the same time, I do not see another way of doing as I would feel like I miss out on understanding this other interesting person. Any suggestion for me to help me understand what connection means and how to handle my curiosity? Thank you!
Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out and for being a part of this tribe. I will try to write more about this soon. I wish I had the time to go into more depth in the comments (thank you for understanding and being so kind). I hope that this finds you and your loved ones safe and healthy. xox
You bring up a GREAT point!