Figuring out how to deal with haters is really tough. No matter how hard you try to bend, accommodate, please, and mind your own business, there will always be people who don’t like you.
Some may tell you to your face. Others will show you through their actions. These people use the level to which they can manipulate and control your emotional weather as a temporary bandage for the cancer of their own insecurities.
You could be dedicating your life to the most worthy, selfless cause and there will still be people who:
- Undermine you.
- Hate you.
- Make fun of you.
- Gossip about you.
- Backstab you.
- Attempt to tear you down you.
These people will steal from and stalk you WHILE they criticize/”critique” what you do. They will stop at nothing to destroy you and your reputation – no matter how well you know them, don’t know them, or how loyal you’ve been to them.
Other times, hate will come in the form of a joke:
“Oh, I was just joking!”
“Whoa. Natasha. You CLEARLY can’t take a joke.”
Of course, you were joking. As long as you’re “joking,” you can be a complete piece of sh*t while wearing the cloak of “comedian-that-no-one-thinks-is-funny-besides-the-people-who-are-afraid-of-being-the-next-cheap-punchline.” You can be as a*sholic, brutal, and below-the-belt immature as you want to be because you guessed it… it’s just a joke. Right? You were joking. And if I, for some insanely illogical reason don’t think you’re funny, I’m the overly sensitive moron who can’t take a joke.
If you leave yourself open at all on social media (or online in general), people who you can’t even see and who you don’t even know will throw shade and spew hate at you. They’ll act like they know more about you, your life and your loved ones than you do.
Every day, I see people being their authentic selves online (which is really nice to come by in an area where you have the most control as far as manipulating your image goes).
These people are interesting. They have really cool opinions, are honest, vulnerable, and agenda-less with the exception of servitude.
And that’s about all it takes for haters to show up.
It’s hard to know how to deal with haters.
A hater doesn’t have to be some anonymous person in the woods of cyberspace or someone who you don’t personally know. A hater can be anyone – a family member, friend, co-worker, boss, teacher… even the person you’re dating (or their family, friends, ex, etc). These people can also be very passive agressive, competitive, and mixed signaled in their hate.
You could have a long history with this person. You could have been good to, generous with, and trusting of them.
And then one day… they turn.
We’ve all experienced this at one point or another.
What I’ve learned from it all is that no matter what you do, there will always be people who have an allergic reaction to you and your accomplishments. They’ll then blame you for somehow creating that allergy.
And you HAVE TO know how to deal with these people or it will rob you. BIG time. Just like it robbed me – of my time (that I’ll never get back) and my health (that I am still working toward rebuilding). I also try to forgive myself for the times that I’ve acted on my own emotional allergies ignited by the insecurity that other people’s accomplishments, beauty, life, being, etc., triggered in me.
Knowing how to deal with haters is one thing. Actually APPLYING this is something that I still have to work on each and every day. It’s hard. Sometimes I can’t apply any of it. Most of the time I don’t want to.
Little by little though, I do it and in the process, I build self-respect. I then start to see results in my life because I’m no longer a paranoid emotional accountant – I’m an unbothered, unf*ckwithable force who is more anxious to get to the light at the end of the tunnel than cry/claim blind from the temporary shade thrown by any hater in the tunnel.
Here is everything you need to know about how to deal with haters, jealousy, and toxicity.
One thing that amazes me every day is that at a time where it’s easier than ever to anonymously hate, be overly offended, abusive, and jump to conclusions – compared to other writers, bloggers, and colleagues I know, the amount of hate I get is insanely low. No more than a handful in the last three years.
I’m sure that as my business grows, there will be more haters. Not because I’ll change as a person at all, but because they’ll simply be more to hate. The field will be larger. And that’s okay. It used to really scare me, but I’ve finally gotten to a point that no matter what happens…
Nothing permeates to the point of paralysis for me anymore.
And when you become your own Teflon manufacturer, it’s not that you don’t ever get paranoid or that things don’t ever hurt (whenever I receive any kind of hate, it hurts. Sometimes I cry), but it just no longer ABSORBS to the point that my ability to take action is disabled.
And as long as you can take action, no one can f*ck with you.
I’ve said it before – No one has ever f*cked with me more than I’ve f*cked with myself.
F*cking with yourself is NOT about getting hurt by haters – that’s called having a human reaction to an inhumane set of circumstances.
F*cking with yourself is when you let the hate define you; when you let it take you down.
Most of the time, we are in our own head about haters. We establish them before they even show up.
No matter how many colleagues of mine tell me that I’m crazy to give as much as I do away for free, I still worry about looking like a sell-out when I do charge for the material I’m creating. I’m able to see the ridiculousness of it pretty quickly, but I still worry every now and then.
James Altucher just wrote an amazing post about this and how to deal with trolls/how to deal with haters. In it, he discusses how he used these obnoxious looking ads to educate people on a subject that he knows a lot about. He obviously charged for this, but he has also given/gives so much away for free.
In regard to the ads that brought out a lot of haters, he says that there’s a real flip side to it:
“Now I have more readers who are not only reading my current advice but looking through my years of articles on all sorts of topics. Listening to my podcasts that I created out of love. Reading thousands of free articles on my site.
Some people asked, reasonably, “Did you sell out?”
But as Tony Hawk once told me, “You can only sell out if you are selling.”
And should Richard Branson give away free plane tickets just because he’s a billionaire?
Don’t have a poverty complex.
When you create something of value, don’t forget that you become a person of value. It’s ok to charge for that.
And yet, 99.999% of what I do is for free. Read my 2200+ articles or 400 podcast episodes.
I spill my whole life for free. It’s ugly and bloody.”
“When you create something of value, don’t forget that you become a person of value. It’s ok to charge for that.” This hit me hard.
If you think about it – you already ARE a person of value because you’re YOU. And it’s okay to “charge” (aka have boundaries, limits, and standards), for recognizing, owning, and acknowledging the UNIQUE value that only YOU can bring to the table.
How To Deal With Haters:
HOW TO DEAL WITH HATERS: It’s never about you but it always is.
What anyone says or does to you – good or bad – is a window into THEIR state of being. It’s never a magnifying glass over yours. This is about them, not you. What is about you is the level to which you believe them. If someone came up to me and said I had an ugly mustache, I wouldn’t run to the nearest mirror. I would think they were nuts. However, if there was even the smallest part of me that believed I may have just ONE little hair on my upper lip, I’d check it out right away. Bottom line: What people do and say is about THEM, what infiltrates is about YOU and your triggers. Remember: No one can activate a belief system that you aren’t breathing life into on the daily.
Want to disable the effect a hater has on you? Take a hard look at what really gets to you and why. Then, aim to rewire that belief system.
The only way to rewire is to replace the belief with concerted and consistent patterns (which are made up of actions) that negate it.
HOW TO DEAL WITH HATERS: Know how to respond.
Reactivity is the easiest way to show how bothered you are and how malleable your belief system is in regard to yourself. Responding is rooted in action and the denominator of action is power.
When in doubt, respond in silence and FLUSH.
I love when people challenge, disagree with me and are constructive in their criticism. When people are abusive, hateful, obnoxious and divisive, however, I just flush – literally if needed (by hitting the delete button), and always psychologically.
I will never surround myself with “yes!” people, but I don’t engage with or give any energy or time to people who bring me down, are toxic, and not good for me.
If it’s someone who I have to see on a daily basis for whatever reason, I don’t engage with them. I let them do their thing and I avoid making any further investments because the payout has proven to be nowhere near what I invested.
HOW TO DEAL WITH HATERS: Surrender.
Surrender to the fact that you’ll never know exactly why they did what they did and even if you knew, it still wouldn’t matter because they DID IT.
Knowing why someone committed murder is helpful, yes, but that knowingness will never resurrect the body on the floor.
HOW TO DEAL WITH HATERS: Know what drives haters.
Elie Weisel once said: “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.” When people hate, are jealous, and spew toxicity, it’s because they are scared. And they are projecting that fear onto you in a hateful way. Scared people scare people just like hurt people hurt people.
The only temporary pacifier to their permanent fear is proving to themselves that they can incite fear and inadequecy in the one person who incites fear and inadequacy in them (for whatever reason): YOU.
This is why actions, limits, accomplishments, boundaries, successes, achievements, etc., can attract haters. They mirror a reflection that these people can’t stand to look at.
Deflection thus becomes a very cheap and pathetic way of life.
HOW TO DEAL WITH HATERS: My two favorite questions.
Ask yourself, “What would I do if I was running a business and this happened? How would I, as C.E.O, respond?” (Remember, you are the C.E.O. OF Y.O.U).
Think about if you were watching this (your life) in a movie theater. Ask yourself, “HOW would I be rooting for the main character to respond?” Trust me when I say, you wouldn’t be rooting for a reaction.
In the movie Taken, no one ever rooted for Liam Neeson to react to the kidnappers who had his daughter. Reactivity shows a lack of control. The audience was too busy watching Neeson take action. He was a dynamic character. Dynamic characters are the most interesting to watch, the most enviable, and the most emulated because they do the one thing 99.9% of people can’t…
They act in situations where anyone would normally react.
HOW TO DEAL WITH HATERS: Monitor your fetish. Mine used to be out of control.
I used to fetishize haters. It’s like I needed haters to jump-start my own productivity.
If I didn’t have an opposition to prove wrong, I wasn’t motivated.
While it’s healthy to turn hate/jealousy/toxicity/shade into motivation, you should never need it to take action.
The oxygen to my productivity is no longer an opposing force, it’s awareness. I’m aware that I have a terminal condition called life and as far as I know, I’m not going to survive it.
You only have one. Don’t waste it on subscribing to the belief that anyone knows you better than YOU.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.
hi natasha! i apologize that this is off topic, but i felt compelled to comment— i found pms tonight, googling the same type of questions that inspired you to create this community. i just lost what i thought was my chance at Happily Ever After— i think that what i thought was the worst event of my entire life is actually going to be the catalyst for change… i’m taking the first steps toward loving myself, and after spending hours reading these posts, i feel better than i have in over a month. the pain isn’t over, but it’s a start, and an important one. i’m sure people tell you this all the time, but i just wanted to say thank you. i’ll be riding my own white horse from now on 🙂
Hi Natalie, your words made me smile. You’ll go far on your white horse. Uphill or downhill, the ride is gentle and full of self love. That’s the beginning of everything. Keep coming back here, this is the tribe to be part of because it’s full of compassion and connectedness – it’s soothing and you can wrap yourself up in these posts and heal. ??
Your white horse will move you along a lightening speed – you’ll never look back, promise! On bad days, be kind to yourself and know there’s a place for you here. And hold on to that soft, white mane. And ride.
bless you, thank you so much for this. i feel so fortunate to have found pms; i know this is exactly where i need to be <3
<3 <3 <3
🙂 yes yes yes. Love this x
Hi Natalie! Thank you so much for taking the time to share your love, support, and for being a part of this tribe. I’m so happy to help and proud of you. You are understood, supported, backed, believed in, and never, EVER alone. All my love to you sister. X
How strange it is that I have been going through a similar experience and today felt compelled to send Natasha a big thank-you – even knowing it was off topic. The concept of the white horse has changed my life. I found Post Male Syndrome at one of the lowest points of my life and will admit to spending many works hours devouring every article.
I now apply the white horse concept to every aspect of my life. I even visualize her arriving and myself leaping on her. I call her Avalon (island paradise)
Thank you Natasha – If I had been required to pay for your advice – It would have been worth every cent xx
that’s awesome! it’s already helped me so much to give names to these things that are dominating my head space right now, and to know that i’m not alone.
i also LOVE the white horse concept— i have been telling myself not to call, or send those psycho texts, emails, whatever… but i always ended up going back to the dumpster, because i was basing my actions around him, instead of myself. the white horse really made it click, that this is about ME, and not him. what a crazy concept!
i love the name avalon, btw… i’ll have to come up with my own… 🙂
🙂 agreed xxx
Tess, I am in tears. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. The pleasure and honor is all mine and I LOVE the name Avalon.
You’ve inspired me to name mine 🙂 Thank you for being a part of this tribe.
Thank you for existing. All my love to you. xx
Thank you for another great post. Just a couple days ago I got into a pretty serious fight with a close friend because he said some pretty harsh things in the heat of the moment. It really crippled me for a little bit until he came forward to make things up with me. The fact that I got so upset was alarming to me, and as you’ve said I figured out it was really just an activation of my triggers. You make some really great points here, and your words always resonate with me for a good while.
I am curious why you said you will “never surround yourself with ‘yes!’ people”?
I’m happy it helped! Thank you! I don’t think it’s healthy to surround myself with people who are always saying “yes,” complimenting, blowing smoke up my ass, and not challenging or motivating me to be my best self in any way. That’s what I meant 🙂 xo
This is a really vulnerable post because it deals with that awful pain we all suffer from when we know we aren’t liked even though we haven’t actually been awful to someone. It doesn’t feel deserved, it reeks of rejection for who we are and can make us question ourselves.
Here’s my message to you, lovely: Just be you, Natasha. The sun doesn’t wake up in the morning worrying about clouds, possible rain or the end of daylight savings. It knows how to shine, regardless of the daily stuff that might come along. It just rises as usual, sets as usual and actually continues to shine even if under cloud cover. It just does it’s thing. You shine too, Natasha. F*** the clouds ( haters) …
But I know you know that. You’re beautiful. ??
I love your analogies, Lorelle! Your words are always so comforting to read ??
Awww thank you Amy! That makes me feel so good inside! Love to you xx ??
Aren’t they? So good! Love you both.
And I know you know just how much you, your understanding and love means to me.
Forever love and endless gratitude for you Lorelle. Love you. x
Loved this. Especially the part about what infiltrates being about us. YES. Reminds me to re-focus on myself. That’s the one good thing about anyone else’s hurtful behavior – it gives you the chance to examine what it is you’re internally reacting to and why. It’s a chance to learn about yourself, NOT an invitation to get pointlessly wrapped up in other people’s inner desires, motivations, intentions, agendas, etc. All we know is how their behavior made us feel. I’m learning to trust that. We need to master acceptance without dragging self-worth into our heartbreak and disappointment. It’s a process for sure, but I’m so grateful you’ve created this community for us to come to, Natasha. My appreciation for you and this tribe make feel implicitly protective of this space. Much love to you all here xo ?????
p.s. Cannot WAIT for your book, podcasts, and more! ?
AGREED! 🙂 LOVE this and YOU so much!
And I am just as protective of you 🙂
Thanks for being you Amy – just the way you are. xx
Beautiful. Just beautifully written. Everything I needed to hear….and somewhere deep inside my subconscious I intrinsically know, but tend to forget time to time. But, you put it into words so eloquently and remind me. Thank you for this post and for every post that you have written and are kind enough to share with the world. I feel like I have a friend, whom I have never met and has never met me….but, our souls think alike.
Mishti (what a beautiful name), thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so happy to help.
All my love to you soul sister – your love, connection, sisterhood, and support means everything to me. xx
I really like this post because it reminds me that people have issues and they like to put their poison of their issues on others. They are too lazy to make improvements on their own life so they need to hate on others.
YOU ARE AMZING!! Friday what I see you have worked to build your own house with your own address (brand). Nobody handed it to you so I feel anyone hates or is jealous of you that is their !!! You are trying to do good in the world and you have helped this tribe. It is not self serving at all. You keep going with your plans and let the haters waster their energy by being negative and blaming everyone for their issues but themselves.
That is what I try to remember for myself. I set boundaries now and worry about what I think and building my own house instead of trying to have someone else’s. People do not like that but oh well. It makes others uncomfortable which is fine with me. I feel like you have taught Mede me open my eyes. What you give to us here keeps our eyes open.
I love this post for pointing out that people’s issues are not about me. It’s them. I repeat that daily as I still am trying to heal my broken heart. These are powerful words. Thank you! We all just need to hold are heads up and keep going. Like my boxing instructor says, “we are not tired yer”. Love you Natasha.
P.S. waiting for all your book. ????
LOVE YOU so much Linda! Thank you 🙂 It’s so incredible to see how much stronger you’re not “becoming,” but the strength that’s ALWAYS been in you coming to light. You are incredible. Miss and love you soul sister. xx
Reading this,lead me to look back to my past when I was in high school. I received a hate letter that contained a compilation of degrading comments from a majority of my classmates. I don’t remember the details by now,but back then,it crushed me. I never pick a fight with anyone,always lend a hand whenever needed,therefore I couldn’t fathom the fact there’s many ppl that hate me. I skip one of my class to clear my mind and return back after an hour. I have no idea where my old me got that strength,but she’s the one I’ll always look up to when things went south.
I read your comment 3 times through. I’m so incredibly sorry for what you went through but also in a way, grateful because it birthed a warrior and allowed our paths to cross. Thank you for shining your beautiful light here. You don’t need to look up to her – just keep HOLDING ON to her. She’s YOU. And you my soul sister, are INCREDIBLE.
Thank you for your love, connection, and support. XOXO
You are a true angel and it is crazy that this article came right when I needed it. There is one girl, a roommate actually that I am forced to see everyday. No matter how kind I am to her, she always feels the need to do whatever she can to tear me down and hurt me by insulting me and humiliating me in front of others. Your article reminded me that the more successful you are, the more people will be trying to tear you down because you scare them and are a mirror for their insecurities. I loved your metaphor about the mustache because I recognize now that if I know who I am, all the lies she says about me can’t really affect me, even if they sting in the moment. I am planning on responding with action by continuing to improve my life while not emotionally investing further in her.
YES! Thank you so much for sharing Lexi and for being a part of this tribe. So happy that this post helped! You are never alone. xoxo