Commitment is a funny thing. We allow our desire for it and other people’s promises of it, to blind and paralyze us from seeing and acting upon red/pink flags that are often, right in front of our face from the get-go. “How to get him to commit to a serious relationship,” is something I’ve Googled too many times to count. I ended up finding the answer through life-living, mistake-making, time-wasting decisions that sabotaged the chances of anyone ever wanting to commit to me in any regard.
Whether it’s in business, friendship or in your romantic relationships...
Getting someone to commit to you, your ideas, your relationship, etc., is the holy grail of emotional accomplishments.
No matter what, people will always be attracted to rarity. It’s basic human nature. Whenever the supply is perceived as limited, hunger, desire and pursuit will always kick in.
In the past, I used to be very desperate. I was always at the mercy of whoever I was dating for that fairy tale, Happily Ever After commitment that I was convinced, HAD TO come in the initial package of a toad for it to “mean” anything.
We are hungry for commitment, especially from those who are self-proclaimed commitment-phobes.
Locking down a commitment is the ultimate, “I must be a person of high value,” affirmation.
Commitment involves another person recognizing the value in us that they believe is not only worth investing in, but that is often worth giving up something they used to value before you came into the picture. And what’s better than someone you’re attracted to viewing you as “special enough” to not only give up something that they value but to choose you and only you – over and over again – every day – in the process of that forfeit?
This is why trying to figure out how to get him to commit to a serious relationship can be.so.addicting.
Is there a way to get someone to commit to a serious relationship? I don’t know. Maybe. I highly doubt it. Even if there was some magical way to get someone to commit to me, I wouldn’t be interested.
We want someone to commit to us for who we are, not because we followed some how-to guide and carrot-dangled our way into a wedding we’re still in debt over with no substance to show for it.
Looking back, I realize that whether it be in business, with friends or with lovers, there are ways to make yourself not only more of a rarity, but more of what I like to call “commitment assessable.”
There are definitely ways to make others more inclined to genuinely want to commit to you. And THAT’S what you deserve.
In this post, I’m going to discuss it in the context of a romantic relationship, but it can be applied in any area of your life.
Here’s how to get him to commit to a serious relationship…
Every one of these rules needs to be applied to increase your commitment accessibility.
How to get him to commit to a serious relationship – RULE #1: V-A-L-U-E.
To genuinely want to commit to something, you have to be able to see value in it.
If you don’t view yourself as someone of high value, you can’t expect anyone else to. Trying to get someone to see in you what you don’t see in yourself is the foundation for being a doormat.
People will always initially assume that you know yourself better than they do (because you’re YOU). If you present yourself as someone who knows herself, her value, and has her boundaries intact, you translate to the other person that you don’t need them to give you anything that you aren’t already giving yourself.
If you come to the relational table hoping for a guy to see in you what you don’t see in yourself, he will either exploit your emotional handicap to propel his own agenda or, if he’s emotionally available... the guy will be completely turned off and opt-out.
And if you meet someone amazing who sees qualities and potential in you that you don’t yet see in yourself… it still won’t matter. You’ll end up burning them person out.
Women who know their value don’t need anyone else to validate them. Nor do they need permission to exit situations, circumstances, and relationships in which they are devalued.
How to get him to commit to a serious relationship – RULE #2: Are YOU committed? Check yourself.
The main reason that anything ever went/goes wrong in my life is due to a lack of constructive commitment (to the truth, to myself, to the other person, to reality, my goals, my health, etc.), and an abundance of destructive commitment (to my fears, insecurities, shame, and to the “I am not enough/I’m not worth it” belief system which we ALL feel at one point or another).
You need to ask yourself, “What am I committed to here? Am I committed to feeding my fears and low self-esteem or am I committed to evolving?”
Men who are looking for a serious relationship ultimately commit to women who are able to commit to themselves – their lives, their health, business, evolution, etc. It’s a major turn-on.
How to get him to commit to a serious relationship – RULE #3: Know why most people can’t commit (including yourself).
Most people avoid commitment because commitment is intimidating. When you commit, you have to follow through. “Trying,” keeps the gate open for failing and not having to fully execute (commit), while still being commended for the effort.
Being committed doesn’t absolve you from failue. It just means that failure won’t derail you or make you give up.
Commitment and execution go hand and hand. Dreams, hopes, words, promises… they are lifeless skeletons of what could be until a commitment to executing is implemented.
Commitment is scary but it’s the most beautiful, courageous and beneficial thing you can do for yourself. Once you commit, life becomes so.much.simpler. Your emotional constipation ceases to exist as does looking for laxatives in the form of gossip, acting on impulse, engaging in fake friendships, toxic relationships, and validation seeking.
If you can’t commit to yourself, how can you expect someone to commit to you?
How to get him to commit to a serious relationship – RULE #4: Stop playing.
Stop playing mommy, cheerleader, psychologist, life coach, wife, girlfriend, super understanding cool-girl f*ck buddy, etc., to a man who is not committed to you.
Stop giving people credit that they haven’t earned.
No one should get to experience the benefits of being in an intimate relationship with you without commitment (if that’s what you want).
And remember – boyfriend/girlfriend status, engagements, and even marriages are not a precursor to emotional and physical commitment – consistent patters (made up of consistent actions) are.
How to get him to commit to a serious relationship – RULE #5: Wanting vs. Needing.
One of the most attractive qualities that a person can possess is when they full-on want you. Romantic love is Romeo and Juliet, Carrie and Big, everything that you see in the movies and on tv (fun to watch but not so great to be involved in).
Romantic love is addicting because it’s this hot/cold, up/down rollercoaster where your safety harness only works for a fraction of the time.
You’re always walking on emotional eggshells and because of this, need to be “good enough.” You need the other person to provide an environment in which you don’t feel at risk for judgment, abandonment, rejection, etc. You need the other person for emotional oxygen. That’s romantic love. True love is linear – it doesn’t zig and zag.
When you commit to taking care of your emotional needs, instead of looking for a band-aid in the form of a toxic person, you’ll attract someone who WANTS to be with you. Not someone who needs you as an emotional/intellectual/sexual/psychological beard and doormat.
The key to cracking the “how to get him to commit to a serious relationship” code?…
Be committed to YOURSELF first. By committing to your life, you translate to others that you value it.
Think about it – if you have a beautiful home and take pride in keeping it so clean you could eat off the floor, someone who truly values and appreciates the care that you put into valuing your home will take their shoes off at the door without even asking. EVEN IF they don’t usually take their shoes off when going over to other people’s homes.
And the ones who keep their shoes on and walk all around?… it’s nothing personal. They just don’t have the necessary equipment to be in a mutual, connected and empathetic relationship. And trust me when I say, that deficiency was there long before they came into your house.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.
Oh, Natasha! I love the analogy about someone visiting your house and either taking off their shoes (or not…. ) cause you’re so right! Someone who values YOU sees your worth and respects it. The rest – well they just value themselves and what’s in it for them.
I love it too, for it relates so closely to the idea of being a ‘doormat’ to others – something we sometimes end up being without even realising for some time.
We value so many things these days – expensive shoes, clothes, brand name make up and destination holidays. Being seen in all the right places and with all the right people.
Nothing wrong with those things, but let’s value ourselves first, as you’re so correct, Natasha. No one else will if we don’t first. It’s simple, really. But it can be hard to do.
It got me thinking too, about the fact people remember one thing above all else when they meet you. And that is: how you make them FEEL.
So, make them feel your self esteem, make them feel you standing graciously in your own power. Make them feel the glow of your own self love, and make them feel lucky to be in your presence. To want more of it. To see how special you are, through the energy you connect with.
The rest is all good ( hair, make up, job, where you live, how much money you make etc.) but they really don’t define you.
Your level of self love does, because that defines the boundaries you live by and the things you will or won’t accept.
If you feel that you have to work on this area in life, then do it! There is no ‘faking it til you make it’ in the realm of self love. People can tell. Even if you can’t!
It’s like that very old quote: To thine own self be true’.
Yes! Master this, and life becomes easier because you are living life, instead of ‘auditioning’ as Natasha sometimes refers to. When you realise who you are and what you’re worth, you become authentic through self acceptance. Only then will you be truly ‘seen’ by others. And only then will you tell the users and abusers to move on, because you won’t value the shi* they have to offer. Because you will know your own worth.
Be high value. ???
Love xxxxx ?????
You are pure light Lorelle ?? Love reading your comments, and it`s so true what you say about becoming our authentic selves through self acceptance and love!
Oh, hello lovely! How are you, Mishaell?
I loved reading this new post and what I commented on was what hit me the most. Thanks for your words xxx
How are you going? I hope you are getting all the good things in life that you deserve!???
Hugs from Australia ???.
I`m doing really great actually! Making my own choices and having my own back (just like Natasha mentions in this post that we have to commit to ourselves first) ? How are you doing? Hope you are also getting everything that you wish for ?
Hugs from Norway ????
Oh that makes me smile to read that, Mishaell (love your name, just so you know). You deserve it! ?
Yes, making your own choices is so powerful. It teaches you what you really want and like. You stop thinking about pleasing others so much and that can be hard for some of us, because we think we are being selfish. No!
It’s necessary, so we can heal.
I’m really happy ! ? life is good and I’ve had a lot of positive recognition at work ( started a new job this year) and I feel like a lot of it is because I have been true to myself and let my essence show, which is about being authentic. Instead of trying to “fit in”, I chose just to be me and work hard.
It’s been wonderful and my self confidence has really blossomed. I’m so grateful for this year. I’m in such a good place and I APPRECIATE it soooooo much!
Norway is beautiful! ???? Xx lucky girl!
Agreed 🙂 x
🙂 Love you Mishaell
I love you both so much. Seeing this sisterhood and support fills my heart 🙂 x
That part resonated with me too 🙂
Much ?? to both you ladies! xo
Much love to you too Amy! ?
Love to you too, Amy xx Hugs xx ????
Have a beautiful weekend x
I am all smiles 🙂 heart is so happy.
I couldn’t agree more. Love you ladies both so much 🙂 xx
Lorelle – You, your words, your wisdom, your light and your beautiful soul are the gifts that keeps on giving. Truly.
Thank you for existing. Thank you for your compassion, for your empathy, your connection and sharing your heart with us all. Love you endlessly. xx
I don’t think you could ever know how much I needed to read this post.
So happy it helped 🙂 Thanks Vanessa! XO
I agree that a well rounded, emotionally unavailable man will NOT treat you like a doormat if he sees you don’t value yourself. Ladies, a good man might be scared away, but unlike an emotionally unavailable a$$hole he will not exloit you.
I meant a well rounded emotionally AVAILABLE man! Sorry!
Agreed! And being exploited is crushing when you go through that. It can really break you.
Ive learnt to reflect on relationships and it helps you see where you are at. Those good guys out there have untold value!
Yes 🙂 !!
Thank you so much for writing this.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe Elle 🙂 xo
I stayed up late last night to read your words. I was searching for some consolation to a negative thought in my head, and I found it. And here you are again today. You nailed it. Only through extreme heartache, researching yourself, and learning the lessons can you truly appreciate your eloquently written words. You are so highly skilled. What a gift. You found your calling. Ox
Nancy, I am in tears as I write this. Your message meant more to me than my words will ever be able to express. Thank you for being YOU. All my love to you soul sister. XO
Once again you post everything that I needed to read right now, and I`m so grateful for your light, love and support for everyone in this tribe ? I know I have mentioned this before but you have really healed me many times over!
This post got me thinking of my first relationship and of the importance of knowing your value and loving yourself, because like you said if you don`t know your own value you`ll end up burning the other person out.
My first boyfriend actually hated himself and was suicidal, and no matter what I did to support him and how much I loved him, I couldn’t actually make him love himself. And to be honest it ended up affecting me too and with other life circumstances (friendsh*ts, bad relationship with my mom at the time) I got so depressed myself that I also had suicidal thoughts. It was horrible. And it`s been some time and things have changed for me, but I just wanted to say I`ve both seen and learned myself the importance of self love and being committed to ourselves!
It`s so true like you said in the post “Commitment is scary but it’s the most beautiful, courageous and beneficial thing you can do for yourself. Once you commit, life becomes so.much.simpler. Your emotional constipation ceases to exist as does looking for laxatives in the form of gossip, acting on impulse, engaging in friendsh*ts, relationsh*ts and validation seeking.”
Love you so much soul sister! ?
I read this and I know you wrote it to Natasha but I wanted to chime in too. I cried when I read your words. I think you’re so brave and strong. So resilient (different to tough!) and so open and clear – you’re like sparkling water. So much clarity!
The world can be a cruel, hard place and that is why self love is so important. It bouys you up in rocky seas.
Your story is beautiful. It’s full of love and softness. Because you are! And even in your darkest moments, even when you wanted to let go, you didn’t.
I firmly believe that you haven’t lived til you have been desperate. That’s where we grow and learn so much, you cannot evolve without lessons and being able to truly look at yourself and be honest.
I think when we want to give up, but don’t, it’s because there’s a tiny part of us deep inside that speaks up when we can’t bear to listen anymore. When you’re broken, you see all of who you are. It’s the turning point.
We are whole again when we create a patchwork of our heart, joining it back together. All those lessons about heartbreak, love, rejection, self love and believing in yourself when you have nobody and nothing. They meld together and only then, do we truly begin to love ourselves.
When we can do that, we can also shine love onto others. No one tells you when you’re small, but learning to love yourself is the first step in life. Without that we become validation seeking shadows of ourselves. That works fine, til someone doesn’t validate you! Then we are in pain .
Those words you wrote, show how truly evolved you have become. You’re sparkling magic! I too, am so grateful for this haven Natasha created. I often think of the people out there who read, but don’t comment. I hope it’s because they feel full in their heart after reading, and gain a sense of peace out of it.
You’re so strong , Mishaell, and your words speak volumes about you. You’re going to get what you want in life and you’ll get it all, because you know who you are and what you want. And you’re completely overflowing with love. You can’t be vulnerable without it!
I have to go blow my nose and wipe my eyes again now. This tissue is soaked. ??????
Now I am in tears again. I could not have said it any better. Thank you Lorelle and Mishaell. Love you both. X
Oh Lorelle, you`re making me cry too! Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a beautiful answer???? Love you so much xx
I feel the emotion in your words, I’ve been there before and I love you so much soul sis. You are incredible. Thank you for sharing, for inspiring and for being a part of this tribe. I’m honored to have helped and forever grateful to any and everything that ever contributed to us connecting. BIG love from Los Angeles 🙂 xxxx
Hopeful linear love an I meet one day. Thank you Natasha. ????
Yes yes yes!! All around YES! Rule #4. Not giving credit to people who haven’t earned it… ugh! Needed to read this. You always know exactly what to say and it always translates into my life one way or another. I appreciate you so much for this ???
Happy it helped! 🙂 Love you Jess.
I’ve loved reading your articles and they’ve really helped me recognize what’s been tickling the corner of my self-awareness lately about my self-worth being directly related to why I always end up dating people that don’t treat me well and are emotionally unavailable. The one thing that I’m trying to figure out in this article and in my current situation is – how do you discern between a relationship (casual or exclusive) ending due to the other person being emotionally unavailable vs. being emotionally available and being turned off by your insecurities? At the end of the day, I recognize that both are directly related to my lack of self-love and that is what needs to be fixed, but in the former case, if I had previously fixed this it would have resulted in me ending the relationship as soon as I recognized the other person was emotionally unavailable/disrespecting me and in the latter it seems like the relationship would have had a chance at working out. I feel like it’s much easier to forgive myself for not holding boundaries and walking away when I knew I should have than for literally being the reason something potentially great didn’t work out..
I wish that I could answer but I have too much to say to type it all out, not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give direct advice in the comments section. I will try to write a post on this soon!
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.
I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help you further ? The link to it is on the homepage.
All my love to you sister.
You are not alone xo