Commitment is a funny thing. We allow our desire for it and other people’s promises of it, to blind and paralyze us from seeing and acting upon red/pink flags that are often, right in front of our face from the get-go. “How to get him to commit to a serious relationship,” is something I’ve Googled too many times to count. I ended up finding the answer through life-living, mistake-making, time-wasting decisions that sabotaged the chances of anyone ever wanting to commit to me in any regard.
Whether it’s in business, friendship or in your romantic relationships...
Getting someone to commit to you, your ideas, your shared like-mindedness, your relationship, etc., is the holy grail of emotional accomplishments.
No matter what, people will always be the most attracted to that which they feel is a rarity. “Missing out” is no longer an option. It’s basic human nature.
Whenever the supply is perceived as limited… hunger, desire and pursuit will always kick in.
In the past, I used to be extremely desperate. I was always at the mercy of whoever I was dating for that fairy tale, Happily Ever After commitment that I was convinced, HAD TO come in the initial package of a toad for it to “mean” anything.
We are hungry for commitment, especially from those who are self-proclaimed commitment-phobes.
Locking down a commitment is the ultimate, “I must be a person of high value,” affirmation.
True commitment involves another person recognizing the value in us that they believe is not only worth investing in, but that is often worth giving up something they used to value before you came into the picture.
And what’s better than someone you’re attracted to viewing you as “special enough” to not only give up something that they value, but to choose you and only you – over and over again – every day – in the process of that forfeit?
This is why trying to figure out how to get him to commit to a serious relationship can be.so.addicting.
Is there a way to get someone to commit to a serious relationship? I don’t know. Maybe. I highly doubt it. Even if there was some magical way to get someone to commit to me, I wouldn’t be interested.
We want someone to commit to us for who we are, not because we followed some how-to guide and carrot-dangled our way into a wedding we’re still in debt over with no substance to show for it.
Looking back, I realize that whether it be in business, with friends or with lovers, there are ways to make yourself not only more of a rarity, but more of what I like to call “commitment assessable.”
There are definitely ways to make others more inclined to genuinely want to commit to you. And THAT’S what you deserve.
In this post, I’m going to discuss it in the context of a romantic relationship, but it can be applied in any area of your life.
Here’s how to get him to commit to a serious relationship…
I’m going to break it down in five simple rules that have worked for me (I have asked male friends, clients, and colleagues over the last week who all agreed with these).
Every one of these rules need to be applied to increase your commitment accessibility.
How to get him to commit to a serious relationship – RULE #1: V-A-L-U-E.
To genuinely want to commit to something, you have to be able to see value in it.
If you don’t view yourself as someone of high value, you can’t expect anyone else to. Trying to get someone to see in you what you don’t see in yourself is the foundation for being a doormat.
People will always initially assume that you know yourself better than they do (because you’re YOU). If you present yourself as someone who knows herself, her value and has her boundaries intact, you translate to the other person that you don’t need him to tell you who are or what you are worth.
If you come to the relational table hoping for a guy to see in you what you don’t see in yourself, he will either exploit your emotional handicap to propel his own agenda or, if he’s emotionally available... the guy will be completely turned off and opt-out.
And if you meet someone amazing who sees qualities and potential in you that you don’t yet see in yourself… it still won’t matter. You’ll end up burning the other person out.
Women who know their value don’t need anyone else to validate them. Nor do they need permission to exit situations, circumstances, and relationships in which they are devalued.
How to get him to commit to a serious relationship – RULE #2: Are YOU committed? Check yourself.
The main reason that anything ever went/goes wrong in my life is due to a lack of constructive commitment (to the truth, to myself, to the other person, to reality, my goals, my health, etc.), and an abundance of destructive commitment (to my fears, insecurities, shame, and to the “I am not enough/I’m not worth it” belief system which we ALL feel at one point or another).
You need to ask yourself, “What am I committed to here? Am I committed to feeding my fears and low self-esteem or am I committed to evolving?”
You can’t be committed to creating conditions that make someone wanting to commit to you impossible and then, tie your value to a reluctant and immature man committing to you.
Men who are looking for a serious relationship ultimately commit to women who are able to commit to themselves – their lives, their health, business, evolution, etc. It’s a major turn on.
How to get him to commit to a serious relationship – RULE #3: Know why most people can’t commit (including yourself).
Most people avoid commitment because commitment is intimidating. When you commit, you have to deliver. “Trying,” keeps the gate open for failing and not having to fully execute (commit), while still being commended for the effort.
Being committed doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes. It just means that those mistakes won’t take you away from what you’re committed to.
Commitment and execution go hand and hand. Dreams, hopes, words, promises… they are lifeless skeletons of what could be until a commitment to executing is implemented.
Commitment is scary but it’s the most beautiful, courageous and beneficial thing you can do for yourself. Once you commit, life becomes so.much.simpler. Your emotional constipation ceases to exist as does looking for laxatives in the form of gossip, acting on impulse, engaging in fake friendships, toxic relationships, and validation seeking.
If you can’t commit to yourself, how can you expect someone else to?
How to get him to commit to a serious relationship – RULE #4: Stop playing.
Stop playing mommy, cheerleader, psychologist, life coach, wife, girlfriend, super understanding cool-girl f*ck buddy, etc., to a man who is not committed to you.
Stop giving people credit that they haven’t earned.
No one should get to experience the benefits of being in an intimate relationship with you without commitment.
And remember – boyfriend/girlfriend status, engagements, and even marriages are not a precursor to emotional and physical commitment – consistent patters (made up of consistent actions) are.
How to get him to commit to a serious relationship – RULE #5: Wanting vs. Needing.
One of the most attractive qualities that a person can possess is when they full-on want you. Romantic love is Romeo and Juliet, Carrie and Big, everything that you see in the movies and on tv (fun to watch but not so great to be involved in).
Romantic love is addicting because it’s this hot/cold, up/down rollercoaster where your safety harness only works for a fraction of the time.
You’re always walking on emotional eggshells and because of this, need to be “good enough.” You need the other person to provide an environment in which you don’t feel at risk for judgment, abandonment, rejection, etc. You need the other person for emotional oxygen. That’s romantic love. True love is linear – it doesn’t zig and zag.
When you commit to taking care of your emotional needs, instead of looking for a band-aid in the form of a toxic person, you’ll attract someone who WANTS to be with you. Not someone who needs you as an emotional/intellectual/sexual/psychological beard and doormat.
The key to cracking the “how to get him to commit to a serious relationship” code?…
Be committed to YOU first. By committing to your life, you translate to others that you value it.
Think about it – if you have a beautiful home and take pride in keeping it so clean you could eat off the floor, someone who truly values and appreciates the care that you put into valuing your home will take their shoes off at the door without even asking. EVEN IF they don’t usually take their shoes off when going over to other people’s homes.
And the ones who keep their shoes on and walk all around?… it’s nothing personal. They just don’t have the necessary equipment to be in a mutual, connected and empathetic relationship. And trust me when I say, that deficiency was there long before they came into your house.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me Show them the door.