No matter how much it is rationalized and explained, being put in the friend zone sucks. And trying to figure out how to get out of the friend zone, when you’ve been through it so many times that you have now acquiesced to the identity of “professional friend,” isn’t worth it because at this point, what’s the point?
Figuring out how to get out of the friend zone seems impossible because the friend zone is, in and of itself, an impossible situation.
The friend zone is built upon the foundation of an unwavering discrepancy in feelings – whether both parties are aware of this or just one.
In the friend zone, there’s generally an abundance of auditioning on your end, an abundance of receiving on the other person’s end, and a painful lack of the kind of connection necessary for more than “just friends.”
If you struggle with confidence and suffer from low self-esteem like I used to, being friend-zoned is one of the most potent, “I’ll-never-be-enough” affirmations out there.
The whole process of being continuously friend-zoned catered so well to my fears, belief system, and insecurities, it literally robbed me of an identity. At that point, there was nothing to do other than waste more time looking for someone to “make me happy” and complete me.
Because of the trauma from past friend zone experiences, I couldn’t take care of my own emotional needs. So, I went out into the world, trying to be this “perfect friend with massive potential,” hoping to find a human bandage for the emotional cancer of “I am not enough.”
Although the friend zone does indicate an obvious lack of connection, if you’re wondering how to get out of the friend zone… there are things you can do to ensure that you don’t end up in that zone again.
Here’s how to get out of the friend zone fast in 5 steps…
I think it’s important to note that the five steps for how to get out of the friend zone also provide an explanation as to why you repeatedly get friend-zoned in the first place. I’ve been friend-zoned so many times in my life and wasn’t able to put an end to it until I acknowledged that I was subconsciously engaging in patterns that essentially tattooed “please friend zone me,” on my forehead.
Here’s how to get out of the friend zone fast ( and why you repeatedly get friend-zoned)…
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Stop taking out the sh*ttiest insurance policy on rejection.
Yes, it’s true that the best relationships can start out as friends. And while this can be true to an extent, I used to take that and run with it to a level that sabotaged me at every corner. I was so focused on building the friendship and being a good, dutiful, and patiently waiting “friend,” I couldn’t see how much it was obliterating the romantic potential that I claimed to be after.
You can’t work so hard on being a great friend and then, be shocked that you’re ultimately viewed as such.
Why did I do this? I couldn’t see it back then, but now looking back, it was because of safety. My fear (and desperation for a rejection shield), had begun to outweigh the vulnerability that’s necessary to have the kind of connection I was so hungry for. I figured as long as we were “friends,” if anything went wrong, it wouldn’t be as bad of a rejection or hurt as much if he recoiled. I mean, it’s not like we were boyfriend and girlfriend or anything… right?
If you engage in this mentality and pattern long enough, “friendship” will start to have this ambiguous definition that will cause far more pain than pleasure. It also makes you a sitting duck for friends with benefits/f*ck buddy territory.
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Stop friend-zoning yourself.
You can’t be in an environment that makes hitting a home run impossible and then, tie your worth to hitting a home run in spite of impossible conditions. If you’ve built a friendship with someone where you’re meeting all of their needs in the name of “being-a-friend-that-he-HAS-TO-eventually-see-as-more,” that doesn’t mean that you’re on your way to Happily Ever After. It means that you’re in fake friend territory because you are friend-zoning yourself.
You’re making sure that all of his needs are met in hope of him waking up one day and suddenly viewing you in a different light. The only need that you’re getting met is the subconscious need to validate, solidify, and affirm that no matter how hard you try, how much you give and how much you love… it’s not enough. YOU’RE not enough. This then becomes so much more about winning and tying your worth to being chosen, in spite of the triangulation that your insecurities have constructed.
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Throw out the “too nice” belief and know where your power is.
Bottom line: you don’t get friend-zoned because you’re “too nice.” That doesn’t make any sense and in my opinion, it’s a lame excuse. One of the main reasons you wind up in the friend zone is because you tolerate being doormatted/used in the name of baseless hope.
There’s so much more to you than “nice.”
Dive into what feeds your spirit – nurture it, learn everything that there is to know about it, and reach a point of expertise in which you begin to feel the kind of confidence that no one can EVER take away. Figure out how to give that gift back and share it with the world in a way that no one else can. Become your own best friend/biggest fan first and you won’t be as inclined to hold onto the friend blanket for dear life.
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Auditioning vs. Connecting.
I’ve written about the consequences of auditioning before and it’s the one thing that will directly destroy any chances of having a mutual, loving, honest, and gratifying relationship.
When you’re preoccupied with how you’re coming across and checking all of his boxes, you prevent an authentic connection (or having the judgment to see if one even exists). You also take the lack of connection as something personal when really, it’s never personal – there’s just no connection. Focus on connecting INSTEAD of how you look and are coming across. The more you make connecting your priority, the less you’ll make a potential lack of connection all about you and your shortcomings.
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What’s the use?
I used to give so much in the name of “must-prove-that-I-am-worthy-of-more-than-just-friends,” it became pointless for the guy to ever WANT to be more than friends.
When you give someone the benefits of having a relationship with you, without the actual relationship, why do you think they’re ever going to want to deviate from the status quo? They’re getting all of their needs met without having to meet any of yours.
It’s OKAY to communicate directly through your matching words and actions. The sky won’t fall, I promise.
And that’s how to get out of the friend zone.
If you’re mindful of the above, you will drastically cut your chances of being friend-zoned. And even if you happen to find yourself there again, you’ll no longer feel the need to take up permanent residence. Why? Because you’re not acting from a place of lack, ever again.
x Natasha
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.
Videos soon Natasha? Can’t wait!! Thank you for all you do!! <3
Hi Kim! Yes! I’m excited to be expanding this year 🙂 Thank YOU so much for the love, support and sisterhood 🙂 XOXO
Ugh. Always so true and eloquently put. Thanks for being who you are and sharing it with those who are struggling, like me. ?
So happy that it served you 🙂 Thanks Jessica! You are understood, loved, supported through your struggles (& always), believed in and never, ever alone. Thanks for being YOU – you are a gem. XX
You are so cool.Your posts always speak to me.
xoxo
Thanks Lena! I’m happy that the posts have helped 🙂 XOXO
Natasha – long-time reader here, thanks for all you do. I have a question about friend-zones for you. I’ve spent a long time chasing emotionally unavailable men, and your website inspired me to step back and focus on myself. All very well and good. I am definitely still interested in having a partner who I can share my life with, and am opening myself up to men who are PROVING that they are capable of connecting at a deeper level. However, I’m still not feeling a *spark* with them, and i’m worried that i’m friend-zoning THEM even though I know they’re doing their best. I hate feeling like someone is “auditioning” for me, after I’ve spent so long “auditioning” and now I’m just flipping the tables around without actually learning anything. Should I take more time away from the game? Or is there a way for me to open myself up and relax into being with someone even it its uncomfortable?
Hi Sara!
Thank you so much for your support, sisterhood and love! I’m happy that the blog has helped! I have way too much to say to type out my answer (& I would need some more details). I’ll try to write a post about this soon 🙂 xx
Hi Natasha,
How I can FWB relationship turn into an actual relationship? I know it’s stupid but still wanna know if it’s possible. I know I can’t change what I have done earlier but still wanna figure out the ways
Hi Tanya!
I wish that I could advise, but I don’t have enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give advice in the comments section.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.
I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further ? The link to it is on the homepage.
All my love to you.
You’re not alone xo
Just found your site while trying to congratulate a friend for becoming rockin’ herself again. You are an exceptional writer, very perceptive and directly honest in a wonderfully down to earth way. My favorite phrase so far is “emotional ponzy scheme” from the almost relationship article… perfect timing for me as I’m lending my good advice to my friend… it’s not like I’M using it! So thank YOU for my truth by proxy.
Hi Julez! I’m so happy to help 🙂 Thanks for the love and support! XO
Hi, read another blog article by you and this one. And right now there is one person that seems to want space. That is how I found your blog. And I cried whilst reading both of them because it is so relatable. It is nice to find someone I can relate to. The only thing is I always have bad luck with guys and relationships and it feels like I am forever going to be lonely. This is the one and only thing in my life that when I start thinking about it and that, it gets me sad and upset and I start crying. Anyways, keep doing what your doing.
And thank you.
– Katie
Hi Katie! I’m happy that the posts have helped 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being a part of this tribe. You are understood, loved, supported, backed, believed in and never, ever alone in any of this. XO
Thank you so much Natasha 🙂 Ive been a lurker on your blog for the last year, ever since I met my emotionally unavailable fu*ktard and they have been really helpful in keeping me sane, and keeping me on my white horse, though it has been a challenge sometimes…I was put in an additionally painful position (Or rather placed myself in one), in the sense that we dated briefly first, then he broke up with me because he wanted to keep his options open (GIGS at its worst), and then he came back briefly for a romp in the hay, after which he withdrew, though we wished each other on holidays and birthdays like mature adults..The last time we met which was 7 months after we slept together (he lives in a different city), was as friends, and while he flirted, told me I smelled and looked great, and used endearments like before, he kept his distance and did not attempt to sleep with me as he realized that I was more into him than he was into me and he was “not ready for anything serious” and felt that he needed to “act more mature and not get intimate till he was in an exclusive relationship”, A.K.A he had FRIENDZONED me…I couldn’t take it anymore, and lashed out, because I had been the cool “friend” for so long, and I couldn’t take the demotion anymore…everything was on his terms and I couldn’t believe I had actually “waited” like an idiot while he dated other women and listened to him complain about his failure to find a mutual relationship with an “independent” women, since most of the women he met were always quick to want to rush him into a relationship, though I knew from experience that he was the one who future faked, prince charmed and “pedestal-ed” them into that level of neediness by starting off hot, and withdrawing the minute they let their guard down ( I could write a thesis on his dating patterns, his avoidance and his emotional unavailability)…I can’t believe a man in his late 30’s with children and a marriage of 10+ years under his belt could be so messed up emotionally..I really wonder at this point, if there are any good men left, and if I should even bother dating anymore but I digress…
So anyway, he seemed taken aback that I was still into him, and went cold on me after my lash out…and we haven’t talked in almost two months even though I apologized for my outburst (being the people pleasing, reverse-narcissistic fall back girl that I am)..A part of me was relieved that I didn’t have to behave like a friend anymore as it was killing me…But I do miss him as well….I don’t suppose there is any way to win him back at this point, is there? I guess I scared him off with my “intensity” or whatever it is…I just wish he would realize how much his hot n cold, crazy making, gaslighting behavior has hurt me…..I can’t believe that I have to still deal with this, as a woman in her mid 30’s…I thought dating would be so much simpler at this point..It’s as if I keep meeting the same overgrown frat boy in different packages FML…
Anyway, thank you so much Natasha. You have no idea how much your blog posts have helped me get over this almost-relationshit, though I still have a long way to go :(…
Thank you,
XOXOXO
Hi Tanya! I’m so happy that the posts have helped. You are understood, empathized with, loved, believed in, supported, and never alone. Thanks for sharing and for being the light that you are. All my love to you sister. xxx
Thank you for the kind response 🙂 I look forward to your blog posts and your tweets as well 🙂
🙂 xoxo
Thank you soooo much for such a well-written article!! It so clearly and understandably, with no bullsh*t, explains situations I’ve ended up in many, many times, but never understood how I got there. Now I can prevent it from happening again.
YAY! So happy it helped 🙂 Thanks Donna!
The best I can hope for with any woman is platonic friendship because I do not have what it takes to be sexually attractive to anyone. This has nothing to do with my physical form, state of health, education, career, finances or life balance. I have all of this in droves as well as many women friends. I’m 43 and have never been on a date or had sex. I have never expressed romantic/sexual interest in anyone because there is zero possibility of any woman feeling the same way about me. Friends keep telling me that I need to tell women I’m attracted to how I feel. If I sensed even a miniscule possibility of them being interested in me, I’d do what it takes to communicate my feelings. But I never get that feeling. So, I never say anything and watch as women I’m interested date other men. I do not have what it takes to compete with other men for women’s interest so there is no point trying.