You thought that you and the person you were dating had a great connection. You made each other laugh, the chemistry was there, the conversation flowed naturally, and you both talked about the future. After a few weeks/months, however, the constant back-and-forth texts between the two of you started to peter off. You’d be left hanging for hours without a response. They suddenly seemed to be a lot busier and more unavailable. You felt a disconnect but chalked it up to “overthinking.” And then one day… the communication stopped altogether. They ghosted you.
Getting abandoned out of the blue by someone you care about, being met with radio silence, and left without an explanation is one of the most awful feelings. All of our un-dealt with trauma gets brought back up while we obsessively rehash a past that doesn’t support the pain/reality of the present moment in any way.
“How did this happen?”
“What did I do wrong?”
“How will I ever be able to trust again?”
You want closure but it’s nowhere to be found. You need to know how to get over someone who ghosted you, ASAP.
Stop Looking For An Explanation
Stop looking for an explanation or a specific “reason” why they did it. After all, there a million possibilities. Maybe they met someone else, maybe they realized they weren’t ready for a relationship, maybe they weren’t quite as emotionally invested in things as you were, or maybe they’re just a complete jerk.
The point is that trying to play a never-ending guessing game about “what you did wrong” (likely, nothing) or why they’d leave a seemingly great situation will just make you feel more miserable than you already do.
You’ll continue to dwell on the relationship, you’ll start to doubt how awesome you are, and you’ll waste time and energy on someone who, at the end of the day, just wasn’t worth your time.
Plus, the fact of the matter is that the problem is almost always with the person who ghosted you, and not you. They may be conflict-avoidant, have a narcissistic personality, or they just may be emotionally afraid of getting close to someone. These are not traits you want in a partner.
Remember, you’re better off without them.
That’s not to say you can’t be upset, angry, or just completely confused. In fact, it’s important to allow yourself to feel those emotions and admit to yourself that being ghosted hurt you – especially if you’re dealing with ghosting after a long relationship.
But your goal should be to take care of yourself and think about what you need or want to do to move on, not what may have caused the other person to walk away.
When they disappeared, they took all their selfish, self-serving and excuses with them. Not so comforting, I know, but you cannot control other people’s actions. This person is solely responsible for all the damage. Ghosts may float away but their weight can still be very heavy. Do not carry their weight for them. Blaming yourself is not going to provide any comfort. Even if you had some moments of bad behavior or there was a conflict of some sort, having a conversation about it would be the mature and compassionate way to handle the situation. Ghosting is not a solution. It shows that this person acted out of fear. Fear of being emotionally vulnerable.
When someone ghosts you, here’s what they’re too embarrassed to say…
“I am incapable of a relationship beyond a grade school level. I cannot maturely and clearly communicate. I am scared sh*tless of being seen for who I really am. I avoid confrontation, feeling uncomfortable in any way, and experiencing a response from you that pins me for who I am. My avoidance has neutered me of the ability to be courageous and honest. I protect/defend my state of denial and avoidance as much as I do my fragile ego. These are all more important to me than how my behavior makes you feel. I am an emotional pants sh*tter who would rather make you think that there’s something wrong with you than know the truth: that I am an emotionally un-potty trained adult.” – Natasha Adamo
Make a No Contact Commitment
If you’re truly committed to learning how to get over someone who ghosted you, then cutting off all contact with them is the best way to move on for good.
This means no texting, no calls, no excuses about why you “need” to talk to them, (you don’t) and no “casually showing up” at places you know they might be.
Get Support When You Need It
Learning how to get over someone you love, whether you were ghosted or if it was a standard breakup, definitely takes a serious emotional toll on you.
Expect to feel rejected. How could you not? Try to remember, the rejection is not about you. This person is rejecting everything that comes with being in a mature relationship. They did not stay long enough to know the real you. You cannot reject the true being of someone if you take no time to invest in them. It is the idea of a relationship that they can walk away or run away from in most cases.
My experience is that they are rejecting a part of themselves. The emotional part. The part built to feel true emotion. You were a mirror and triggered this part. And since they are incapable of following through, they have to do what is easiest and most convenient for them: disappear.
Need more help with how to get over someone who ghosted you?
Honor your feelings. It is very uncomfortable to feel the pain that cuts with an emotional knife. The discomfort is a part of the damage the ghost does. Most importantly, do not dismiss that this is a blessing in disguise. It would have been worse to be with a person who handles their life decisions via avoidance. Think for a moment… how could this person even begin to handle the honor and responsibility of loving you and being loved by you? How can they be trusted with anyone’s heart? You know the answer. They can’t. This is of no value to you. You cannot build a home with no financial resources and one cannot build an emotional relationship when they have nothing to invest with.
As Natasha says, stay on your white horse. Preserve your self-respect. Do not lower your standards. Maintain no contact. As tempting as it may be, stay off social media. Don’t search this person out. They sent a clear message that they do not want to be found. Do not text, or reach out to mutual friends to plead your case.
If the ghost is that close to these people, they already knew this situation would occur. They probably have witnessed it before. You do not need to interrogate them, seek their approval, or seek validation.
Be the class act that you are. In my experience, the more time that passes the more the door that this person slammed in your face, stays closed. They do try to reappear. Some people have no shame. They have no problem disappearing for a year and emailing you on your birthday as if nothing happened (yes, this happened to me). This is not flattering. They are taking your temperature and looking to feed their ego. Don’t bite. They will then go back to the shadows. It is as if they needed oxygen so they came to you for it. The cost of your dignity and self-respect isn’t worth it.
This post was written by Natasha Adamo team member, Linda.
This is Linda’s first guest post so please give her a warm welcome. I get asked often how where/how I find guest writers. With the exception of my Mother and Greg Behrendt, I discovered Irena, Lorelle, and Linda through the comments below my own posts. I read every single comment and found myself going back to their comments to other readers when I was going through tough times. Their compassion and advice to other readers goes above and beyond. We formed a friendship and although we live in different states and ends of the world, this community that *we all* have created connects us.
And for that, I am eternally grateful.
This post was written by Natasha Adamo Team Member, Linda.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with No Contact after being ghosted, please check out my intensive, No Contact Contract course. For one-on-one help, please look into working with me here.
Linda! This is a beautiful piece! I would never say it if I did nor mean it and I’m sènding champagne ?
It’s so full of truth. The words ‘silent and dark’ hit hard for me as whenever I’ve been in a difficult place in life, those two words were always part of it. A wonderful, resonating message here that so many will appreciate and heal from.
Another thing about people who ghost, I believe water always finds its own level, and it’s a basic incongruent factor in some relationships, with the message being that this won’t work out with this person/ this situation. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but wisdom like your post here is a short cut for those who read it in healing the pain of being ghosted by someone they once valued and loved. ? ? much love to you, Linda xxx ???
Hello Lorelle.
I am so touched by your beautiful comments. Thank you so much. I appreciate what you have said and I believe you are very correct about water finding it’s own level. I think that is powerful.
I know many of us struggle and times do get silent and dark. It can be scary but we have to keep moving forward because we will not heal otherwise. There is light.
Thank you so much. I love you ? I hope you are well.
Ugh!! This was hard to read through all the tears flowing down my face. You’re right…they do come back. And I have not been strong enough to walk away and ignore him. I’ve let myself turn into a doormat. Always happy when I see a text from him. Or more than willing when he wants to get together. Always knowing or anticipating the inevitable. I’m ashamed to say it’s gone on for four years. And I beat myself up a little more every day. I am now a completely different person than I used to be. I have a hard time remembering the strong and happy person I once was. It’s hard to pick yourself back up and stay strong and stay on that white horse. I commend and admire anyone who has had the strength to do so. Thank you for your words. They hit so close to home. Although I know I’m not the only one who suffers, it’s always nice to know that others go through this too and that I am not alone.
Hi Gina,
First thank you for comments. I understand the experience you have described. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This other person clearly knows you have a big heart and keeps coming back to enjoy the benefit of your giving spirit. Do not beat yourself up because nothing good comes of that. You have strength but at times we have to dig deep to use it to pull us through. Many is the time I had to do that and I still do.
You are not alone by any means. We are all out here doing the best we can but we are humans and we will fall and we will have pain but you have life to live and deserve to have joy. Just take a day at a time, stay here with this tribe and use Natasha’s wisdoms and your own power to bring back that happy girl you described. She is still there I’m sure of it. I hope the post helped and just remember you are loved and appreciated here. Be well. Thank you again.
Gina, I was in the same boat for 3 years. By the end, I too was calling myself a doormat, pathetic, and many other words. However, like Linda said above, that is carrying their weight for them. My ex was emotionally abusive and manipulative so I try to remind myself that I’ve suffered abuse and that has allowed me to forgive myself and be a little gentler with my wording. It’s tough, we’ve only been apart for a few months and I literally have to look in the mirror and tell myself not to give him anymore time in my head today and that I am worth far more. I hope that you can find a way to do the same. Above all, love yourself first and the rest will start to happen.
Dawn, “ that is carrying their weight for them.”. (Heart and Spirits)
Exactly!!! Message from a man. It still is carrying tons in me.and I struggle to remove it whole because how I was treated “hide me under the bus” Scroll far down and read my last post (Far end. not middle ) Long one. That explains what we went thru. Sadly she do not understand what she had placed us because of her relative religious bullshits. Lying. List go on. Everything fake! I proudly showed her around the world while she hide me under the bus with excessive exceptions . How would you feel when you go thru like that!?! Ex lack reflection! All by herself! I was treated like doormat or poodle boy whenever she “need” me! . Sadly I used to have respects, patiences, and faith with positive beliefs all crashed since 2017 after revealed she dating around. I pushed my own children my own family away for few months. Hibernate for few months. Feel lost. Motivation lost. Thank to some of friends, my mother, and my children had patience and faith to see old John back. It’s coming. Not out of the wood yet but we are getting stronger than ever. No blame game. I own my mistake for letting myself in from the first place. I should have kept my boundary to go slow and see how it pans out. Ex told me she want relationship not friend. Geez. I found her hearts/spirits, gave my heart out to her and went for it. Fast forward After exit car toward store she ran away from me and was terrified!!! SHE WAS VERY TERRIFIED! She shouldn’t live in fear like that! Thought someone stalked her turn out not after that I demoted from relationship to friendship until she fix her issues and so was mine. I was heavily overwhelm with hefty situation and had to unload some. I visited her with no conditions or terms. Ex except her terms! Those traits was red flag. I ignored. I should have walked out after I broke her up and not look back. My mistake. i feel so idiot and sucker big time! Since September 2017 I haven’t visited my sister place. So they visit here instead. It was a LDR.
Take my (From man) word. Yes. It’s burden to carry those weight aftermath. Much worse than ex-wife!
You are not alone. Many of us go back to someone who us. I’ve done it a few times with the same person before finally seeing them for who they are and stopped all contact and no responding. Still miss that person even though they certainly don’t deserve it.
I love seeing this love and support <3 Thanks Christine 🙂 xo
Gina your not a doormat your just Someone who has fallen in love with the wrong person. I consider myself an incredibly strong person and I finished with my ex in June 20….. I stayed on my white horse ….. I didnt text, call him etc etc and then out the blue he sent a few messages…. until I gave way Christmas last year to promises of he missed me so much and had changed etc. I am so in love with this guy that I was taken in. He has many problems… lost a daughter, severely autistic son …. keeps me at bay from his family and makes me feel a total outsider. He’s just ghosted me last weekend and I can honestly say I have never felt so depressed and tired as not sleeping etc. I know he has done me a favour as it would never have worked but still it’s so painful. I will NEVER let this guy back in my life as he is a head F..k ….. we all deserve more than the crumbs these emotionally devoid characters can give us. It’s nothing to do with us. It’s to do with their inability to love someone and actually that needs our pity really because I know I deserve to find that. They never will because they won’t allow themselves to be loved xx
Where can Ghostbusters be found? No t even in 911 directory!
??? Humor aside…
Happened me twice and ghosted are f*cking cowards! Turned out infidelity. Ghost era can not be trusted! Even one is trying to outreach me thru her “chain of friends” and social media. Asking “Can you please just let go… completely let go blahs. Be being there’s power being stillness blahs” Not talk straight to me. I told them I want nothing of her. I must remind myself that she have her lying capabilities against HER OWN love ones. (Her own family). Not worth any of my time anymore! Thank for sharing about ghosted article. Yes it pain to have experience regardless “cowardly or professionalism” ghosted out of your life. To save yourself from any further pains (be brutally truth) once you realize they lack own reflection after your efforts of empathy. Start pay attention, SUSPECT or get out!. Red flag there! She’s COMPARING. Simple. She don’t care you anymore and already is lined up with someone new. She just making her efforts to negatively put you down (devalue/discard process). Of course being in love we are so blind-trusted in, sleepy until stenches dual shit/vomit hit the fan and it hurts worse than hell realize that she focus and know what she’s doing while you being tad, laid back, and confident in then is shot! Takes long time to heal. EXACT said in this article above. Well done. Natasha troops. Hugs.
Hello John. Thanks you for your comments.
I hope this helped you. Infidelity is never good. To me it just communicates disrespect. I have had that experience as well.
I agree that we must pay attention and yes live can blind us but sometimes the truth is screaming very loudly. We need to pay attention to that.
I wish you well and hope you remain strong. Thank you.
“It’s like putting a pile of crumbs together and calling it a cookie.” This is a wonderful turn of phrase; very helpful and very apt.
Hi Bettina.
I’m glad it helped you. ?
Thank you for your comment.
Thank you for writing this heartfelt and true post, Linda. I am so grateful for Natasha, Tarane, Lorelle, you, and the PMS family, and reading this inspired me to come out of my own “silent and dark” voyeur place and share.
Today marks exactly two years since I found out that the man I loved completely, mind, body, heart and soul, was thoroughly unfaithful. My dreams of being the wife of a tall successful, handsome man were shattered. I felt soul-wrenching pain. Two years out, I still get “pain contractions”, as Natasha calls them, but I have healed considerably. I want to share what worked, and how what I read in your post today, Linda, made me realize how I may be able to get to the next “level” of healing and maybe find that soulmate connection I’ve dreamed of since I pretended I was Belle from Beauty and the Beast as a child.
Many of us click into this PMS website because we are hurting deeply, and we wanted to help ourselves, desperately. Going online, we had the strength to not go to the bar, the Tinder match, or even back to Work or to the Gym to escape facing our pain. There are so many ‘healthy’ places to go for comfort, like family and loved ones, or church. These did not work for me after my break up. Why is it that Natasha and her PMS blog did?
I think the reason lies under the fact that I fall into that (likely large) subset of humanity that feels relatively more deeply. Life is harder for these people. It’s been said many times elsewhere that the reality is that humans who feel deeply experience the lows of life more profoundly, but also the highs. To me, these Deep Feelers have a magic about them – an understanding of human experience, and a thirst to more deeply understand the human experience. Using the words of LM Montgomery in Anne of Green Gables, these humans “fly right up on the wings of anticipation” when life promises some good, and feel that “glorious” sensation of flying – of “soaring through a sunset”, and “drop down to earth with a thud” when expectations do not manifest. I love being around humans like this. These people love life – they get excited about little and big things – and to them, the soaring is worth the thud. I find them rarely, but connect with them deeply– they are my soul sisters and soul brothers.
Natasha and her tribe, to me, fit this mold. The metaphors, real language, deep understanding, and love without the veil of ‘professional’ help, are what helped me help myself.
When Natasha told me that my Ex “shat the emotional bed” and that the women he was sleeping with were “wearing the wet suit” that I had peed in when I was in the ocean – I was able to actually Laugh, when I was, (to quote Anne from Anne of Green Gables again) “in the depths of despair” and feeling that my life was “a perfect graveyard of buried hopes”. Maybe because I grew up with many brothers, pee and poo are always funny. But really – real, down to earth, metaphorical language like this – is what makes the posts of Deep Feelers like Natasha, Tarane, Lorelle, you Linda, and this tribe, wells with waters of healing.
From the time I read the anonymous email from the Other Woman detailing my Ex’s infidelity, I never saw him again, and eventually reached a place of No Contact. To do this, I used PMS tools. Here are some specific examples.
When I felt emotional pain and yearning for the Emotional Quadriplegic I lost, I found disgust. I imagined him looking like Jabba the Hutt from Star Wars having sex with other women. (I know! Gross, right!)
When I felt emotional pain and a desire to reach out for the man I lost, to call him, to text him like a psycho, I got onto my White Horse and found Dignity. To do this, I developed a White Horse meditation. I closed my eyes and imagined a warrior woman – a shining, beautiful, strong version of myself – the version I want to be – on a white horse, scooping up the shadowed, sad, suffering, crying, hopeless, lost version of myself up from the base of a tree in a dark wood, and carrying me with her as we gallop off to my own mind palace, replete with a fireplace, bathtub, stacks and stacks of books, looking out over an ocean. During the ride, I melt into the warrior woman, and use her strong rooted steady legs to find solace in this place – lighting my own temple fires.
When I felt emotional pain, I became aware of a state of Reverse Narcissism – or to me, thoughts about how I was not enough to excite true love in a man. I imagined a nasty little green gremlin on my shoulder saying these things, and brushing him away, telling him to just shut up. I am enough. There’s plenty of evidence to support that fact.
These things helped. But it was a process. For months (usually around my menstrual period) I would have weakness and call my Ex. This past week, I realized that I did not remember the digits of his phone number. But I still rarely go days without thinking of him. And I still dream about him. And still, to this day, I find myself being a very human little girl. On lonely desperate nights I will even go on Venmo to unblock him and stalk him (yes, Venmo stalking is a thing).
And dating for me has been a series of dumpster fires. Men have disappointed me repeatedly, and frankly, I’ve disappointed some men.
Bringing me to your post, Linda – your words (“I can see that the relationship went silent and dark because but he did not want a loving and mature relationship”) and Natasha’s (“emotionally un-potty trained adult”) made me reflect.
I am really ashamed to admit that last month, I ghosted someone.
We met at a barbecue. We had been texting. We had a nice dinner. Then I told him I was too busy to have dinner the next week. And never texted him again. My behavior did not settle well with me. I made excuses for myself. My father had a heart attack. Work was insane. I did tell him I was busy, didn’t I? The reality is that I was not mature. I was not and I am not yet ready for a mature and loving relationship. I am, to some extent at least, an emotionally unpotty trained adult! I may have learned how to not let the shit get lit on fire, but I’m still sitting in some. How do I clean up my own “emotional street”, as Natasha puts it.
I’ve come past the stage of surviving pain contractions, for the most part. I’ve gone to the Emotional Gym and learned to self soothe and almost re-parent and get through times of really tough emotional pain. But I’ve reached an impasse in my process of healing. If I want to find love, I need to not only be able to make myself feel better when others hurt me. I need to learn how to not put myself in situations where I Hurt myself and others. I need to learn to not shit my own emotional bed. This is going to be the next part of my journey now that I no longer have the constant distraction of pain contractions.
Cleaning your own emotional street. Taking responsibility for your own shit. Handling the life between your ears. Not blaming others for how you feel. Getting beyond coping emotionally and finding a place where you thrive emotionally. This is the hardest thing to do.
I took my Grandmother to see Little Women this weekend and a lump in my throat formed and tears rolled down my cheeks when I listened to the character Jo March say, “Women have minds and souls as well as hearts, ambition and talent as well as beauty, and I’m sick of being told that love is all a woman is fit for. But… I am so lonely.” I am fortunate to live in an age when women are not told as often that that love is all they are fit for – I’ve followed my ambition and talent down a very successful path. But I am so lonely.
Why is it that so many of us amazing, accomplished, strong women (and men!) find ourselves in relationship dumpster fires? We excel by society’s standards in so many arenas – professionally, physically, financially. But we find ourselves single, lonely, and miserable. I think it was Natasha said it was because accomplished people are used to things being controllable, hard and hurting – and this mindset often doesn’t work in romance – you can’t control humans like you can control data, and often hurt in romance does not equate with growth or goodness. I cannot tell you how many times in my life I have been disappointed by the broken relationally dysfunctional human behind the curtain when I got the chance to work with the Wizards of Oz I idolized. I worry I’ve become an admired figure and will let my mentees down when they find out how lost I feel, inside. How disappointed I am in myself for not having a husband and children at this phase of my life.
I need to find a place of acceptance and let go. How do I accept my situation and not feel like a lonely wreck? How do I cultivate an inner garden? How to clean my own emotional street so I do not keep CHOOSING to invest in people who treat me like an emotional ATM?
This is going to take practice. It is going to take time. It is going to involve taking stock of Tarane’s “Museum of Me” and dusting off the items and parts of me that I stored in the far back corners during the years that I searched for knights in shining armor to validate me and make me feel good. It is going to involve finding that little girl who Delighted in life. Realizing that loves comes in many forms besides committed relationships. Letting go of the dream that I am going to find a Beast and transform him into a handsome prince with my superficial Belle charm – embracing the “beauty is within” theme from my favorite Disney story, instead of trying to make handsome dogs meow. It is going to involve spending less time worrying about my forming wrinkles and silver hairs and more time letting my light shine and helping others.
This is going to be the hardest thing to do – cleaning my own emotional street. No one teaches us how to do this in school. And the time I spend working on my emotional self – it may, in the short term, detract from my ‘outward’ success. I need to train myself to have my own standards and reward myself for the inner work and let go of needing constant external rewards.
I think cleaning your own emotional street involves finding your own internal joys, lighting your own internal fires, and having Faith and Hope that while you feel like life is bringing you blow after blow – joys after joys are eventually going to come to match the sorrows. I’ve finally reached a place where I accept that this is going to take hard work, time and patience.
The insightful poet Rupi Kaur wrote,
“We need love not from men,
but from ourselves,
and from each other.
-medicine”.
I need to rewire my brain to not seek pleasure and true love and happily ever after, but instead to seek connection. Like you said, Linda – “Natasha has created this amazing place for us to come together and heal through connecting with each other. We do not have to struggle here.”
Today is a new moon. We can’t see it because it’s too close to the sun. But because the sky is darker, we can see other celestial objects easier. Thanks PMS tribe for helping me find stars when the night is dark. Time to hit the emotional Gym. Let’s do this together!
Kelly. Big impression you realize mistakes at your own. (Reflection) That brutally truth part is hard to swallow. Hard to accept fact it happened. (Resentments/regrets/bitters) Redefine boundaries and denials. We have to realize the fact who person actually is. No one can change the person you hope in a positive way. Give it some time or chances and person continue to make same old excuses/lying around/god-feared/secrecy/other bullshits Nothing changes. (Word/Action not match) Worst part after reveal the agony truth of person you thought you know/trusted turn out the worse. (Betray/cheated/treachery). Lastly I’m in belief with “us/our/we” not “ I/me/my” lesson learned when person use excess I/me/my needs and wants without or rare using we/us/ours. (Imbalances). Clear red flags! My experience whenever there lacks we/us/ours friendship/relationship is doomed! It’s an obviously a “conditions & terms” of oneself interest and difficult to compromise at all. Me yes. You no. You are fessing up and share your experience with us. You are appreciated. In the future whosoever come up into your life and you feel he’s not a priority for any reason. Be upfront and take it slow or let him go if he’s in rush. That way you won’t feel guilty for ghost him out. I upfronted to my exes. That part I do not feel guilty! The worst part it angers me that being upfront enable them opportunities to abuse trust. I’d rather walk over solid stone concrete than walk over egg shell. You know the answer. Just be true of self. Like Natasha preach us “You’re the CEO”. Being CEO with I/me/my terms. There’s no way company will success. NO MORALE NO TEAMWORK! CEO believe in we/us/ours company running smooth. Morale and teamwork great. Pretty similar concept apply in friendship/relationship. In my opinion. Hey I’m not a certified counselor. My experience to chime in. Of course some may seem so psychologic (confusion) till you get to sentiments.
Dear John, Thank you so much for your kind reply. I love the concept of the importance of “us/our/we” and friendship in romance. It is going to take some time for me to rewrite my usual romance macro, the one that allows “spark” and attraction to supersede warm, fuzzy, healthy, goodness and friendship when it comes to choosing a man. Hard to do when so many of our favorite stories show “forever” after just a small, strong initial pleasurable attraction. Going to involve following the internal compass and gut feelings and choosing relational vegetables over fast food. Again, I feel so appreciated. Thank you. -Kelly
Hello Kelly.
Wow! I am first flattered by your comments. I am glad this post provided help and some support for you. I have to say though that I am blown away by your post. I am sorry that your ex was so hurtful but when I read your words, it’s clear that you were the emotionally intelligent one. It seems like you were too much woman for him in more ways then one. s I have read here in one of Natasha’s posts, anyone can basically play the part. Any idiot can buy the ring or play house but it takes a real adult to do the day to day relationship. It is not always going to be easy and romantic because life is not that way. I’m not sure what happened for him to take up with someone else but it does not matter. He is on his own now and so is she with her used bathing suit. ?. You hav already done the hard work. You got through it. I too have pain and I do struggle but not as bad. I still think of him but he does not occupy my mind as he once did. Please give yourself credit and realize that you have traveled a long road. Keeep your head up and stay on that white horse. It seems as though you have a good grasp on the rein. If you fall just get up. You have this tribe and I am sure so much more as you described.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I’m very touched. Take care of yourself first. I wish you all good things. Be well.
Linda… so proud of you and happy that you had the chance to post on this topic. I hope this message finds you well my dear. Blessings upon blessings to you soul sister.
Much love and respect.
Vicki
#whitehorsewarriors
Hello Vicki,?? so nice to read your comments.
Thank you so much. I am still in my horse ?.
I hope all good things are happening for you. This was a wonderful experience and a privilege for me.
I feel very lucky. Thank you again. Be well. ???
This is one of the most beautiful letters/comments that I have ever read in my life. I am speechless.
How I got lucky enough to know you, I’ll never know.
I love you so much Kelly. Can’t wait to hug you soon 🙂 xxx
Your comment has been so helpful. I have just been ghosted and my heart is SHATTERED.
I feel like there is a lot I would like to say about this but ultimately, thank you. This piece is perfect, especially during a time when things don’t seem perfect. Thank you for writing about topics in a way that helps others know that although the process of going through something like this may feel like you are a crazy mess, you’re not and just remembering that. Thank you 🙂
Hello Sam.
You are welcome and thank you for your kind words.
I know of what young speak. I hope it helps. I often feel like I am a little bit of a mess but nobody is a perfect person. We are all a work in progress. As long as we are trying to take care of ourselves, odd, mind and soul we are doing well.
Thank you again for your kind words. Be well. ?
Yep, they come back. Two years ago I was here on PMS writing about someone who sounds just like this – things were going well for months, then he started fading out. I called him out on it, he denied it but didn’t try to correct it, strung me along for months, reaching out and then ignoring me until I decided enough. I didn’t hear from him but he would stalk my social media until I blocked him. This past Christmas he reached out after two years. What joke. I guess the grass wasn’t greener. I stayed on the White Horse. He will never hear from me again.
Hello Kim.
Yes! They do return without hesitating. It never ceases to amaze me but like I said, they do not have hesitation or any consideration for the other person. They come at the times that mean the most to others like Christmas, birthdays, weekends, you name it they come out. I have concluded it may be because those are the times for togetherness and so if you are someone who keeps disappearing, you probably have nobody meaningful to spend these times with. They are lonely so they want to spend time or get attention from someone but when the moment passes, they leave again. It’s sad. I think it is great that you stayed on your white horse! ?. You sound very strong and positive. Stay on your white horse and do not forget your value. Be well and thank you for your comments. I appreciate it. ???
Linda, Regarding to disappear or ghost you mentioned is accurate! There’s few more id like to chime in from my experience. There is few other reasons for disappear or ghost out.
1) Something serious bad they not want to face or want you to know. (Very common according to majority divorce lawyers or counselors). Eventually truth be told later on.
2) Could be coward to fess up with you after reveal something they don’t like about you or not wish to further COMMUNICATE with you for obvious reasons. “I don’t have time for this-attitude”. Disrespect. Avoid round by round/bullheads. Etc. Silent treatment (toxic). Gold diggers. Given you up. Comparing around. Etc.
3) That ONE may be with non-purpose reasons such as death, collapse in health ailments, disconnected due to psychic vampire. Etc. I want to share you my experience below.
Lastly. (My experience from one of my ex) I was drained out (psychic vampire) and crash into major depression. That time I did not know the right word for that (from friend) until after I revealed ex dating around few months later after a surprise planned visit. I sought hardest I can to stay afloat and positive but things did not add up right. Because before that visit everything has to be planned beforehand!!! Trust betrayed. ZERO reflection of what she have done to me with extreme high exceptions and doubts. Smothered the shit out of me. That part did triggered communication collapse. Not meant to ghost out SHE DO KNEW I WENT THRU MANY OTHER MAJOR OBSTACLES THAT I HAD TO DEAL THAT TIME. I UPFRONTED HER. .(Ugly-continuing divorce proceed after judgment from ex wife, my father death, my brother future fate, my children difficulties, my both shoulder surgeries, and etc) it was so overwhelm at that time. I do not know how bad or good behavior was this? But ex did not bother to wish me HBD or check on me aftermath the last communication Silent……. SHE EXCEPT RELATIONSHIP ST TUS NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW! THAT SHE HAVE NOT GOT HER OWN ISSUES RESOLVED! she do knows that I excepted her words and actions to match first before we go further that she hide me under the bus since day one WHILE I PROUDLY SHOWED HER AROUND THE WORLD! Excuses. Blahs. When I visited out of 6 weekish We only get to see 3-5 times out of those weeks. About 2 hours average. Not even allow me over her house. Fortunately my relative lives there for me to stay. She never visit my home state! According to my counselor it was clear sign of triangular and comparing other patterns which is extreme toxic. When I’m more clear and realize clear purpose. I did fell off a horse and gave her a taste of lesson AND REVEALED TRUTH. Likewise I mentioned on previous response about what I heard “gossip blahs”. If whatsoever she claim that she’s happy/want let of go blahs. If true. That’s good that because truth had altered their behaviors and I am 100% sure that she regret for her “god-fear” bullshits! To free her from oppression base on god feared bullshit from her own family. If it turn out to loving family of theirs? That’s good! Good for them! Unfortunately I’m dealing with angers of betrayal/cheated/treachery and no worth because I was upfronted to her. Reason it was hard to let of go because I loved her affections and spirits. For some reason I sense there may be “telepathy” to each other? It’s sad that she allowed her god feared l, his me under the bus,and lying in the way and ruined everything. Especially her sharing our sacred love to else is unacceptable and extreme disrespect. She told me I’m the only one she love me and will give it time. I trusted her. Bullshit. She found someone else because of attractions, emotional, and her selfish one self with “needs and wants”. Convenient to her. “Chose him over me”. All so convenient to her. Guess what. It turn out future faker to her. Again Big Question. Did she taste her karma for what she did to her love ones???????? I don’t seek any relationship since that. I heed my counselor advice to suspend until I find clear define. Now see why my angers lingers since. Now I’m more better than before. Hope my fess up bit deeper on this will release my angers.
Take those look. Those are clear obviously cowards, deceitful, and selfish thing to ghost out or disappear.Even disrespect abandoned. Anyone cowardly disappear and ghost out do seem to receive sweet karma. Big Question. Do they get it!?! A good taste of karma and a good reflection whats done. Unfortunately in rare case (maybe weird) that I just shared with y’all?
Feeling better to share with y’all and very glad that this article came out into lighting. I re-read and made sure I understand all of it. Thank you.
John, it sounds like you give your whole heart. That is a good thing but most people out here do not understand what that entails. I have been in situations you describe. I was so sad I could not get up but I did because at some point we have to.
I decided I’m not changing that about myself. Men that I date can accept it or walk away. You seem to have come far so stay focused. People who are deceitful or game players are not worthy of a mature relationship until they clean up their side of the street and do some thinking about what they want and what they can give.
Just stay on your path. I would rather be by myself then spinning my wheels with someone who is emotionally bankrupt.
Be well and thank you again.
Thank you for this post. It’s been almost two years since I went to bed feeling happy, safe and loved only to wake up to a total blindside break up. We never ugly fought, in two years of living together, always talked things through. Just a month earlier he had looked at me with tears in his eyes and a smile on his face and said “I’ve never had any doubts about us not one”…and a month later he was gone, with very little explanation other than “I just got scared”. and he is a ghost. He still haunts me because I keep wondering “was any of this real?”. How could I have missed so much? How could I have been in so in love and happy with someone who clearly was just a facade because you cannot turn love off like a switch, but that is what he did.
So it helps to read something that tries to explain how he could just disappear a month after seeming so happy and in love with me. I do NOT and WILL not ask him for any further explanations. I have most definitely stayed on my white horse, no contact at all. No social media stalking even though I know he is on his second girl friend after me (small town, some info is unavoidable),
But understanding his motives helps me take the blame off of me. It helps me rid myself of the terrible doubts I had about my own judgement. It helps me realize I am the lucky one because I DO know how to love someone, honestly and fully. Thank you.
Hello Lane.
I’m glad that this helped you. It sounds like you have gained a lot of strength even though the experience was painful.
It is interesting how we can emerge from such an experience with great strength. You are much better off not having any contact with this person. As Natasha has pointed out, narcissistic people seem to be able to find someone else but to me it’s just a place holder until they repeat the same behavior. You are the lucky one but, the next person you meet will be truly lucky and blessed because they will have a strong person who knows what they want and is capable of giving of themselves without a game taking place. You are an inspiration ?.
Stay strong and just keep moving forward. You and your white horse seem to be doing very well.
Thank you very much for your comments. I appreciate them. Be well and remember how unique you are.
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Laine. Your story is heart-wrench. I understand your sentiment completely. I was told “you are mine and I will not want anyone but you and won’t look for one but you. I’ll give you some time to find self”. Blahs. I TRUSTED on her. Turns out pure bullshits and the worst part is that she hid me under the bus whenever I visit there. Lack quality time together. Those red flags I ignored. That why she loved me so deeply What an idiot sucker and feeble brain I had!?! Guess what? I chimed in a brilliant suggestion regarding establish a service for deaf blind community. She loved that. Plus I freed her fear of her family oppression (after revealed her betray/cheat. That one I fell off a horse) . This is the reason she’s happy therefore I fail to see “change” she claim to. I still see the core and it’s still there! “Blame blame others not me”. “He is taking an advantage of me I’m a doormat bullshits” WITHOUT realize those good deeds I did to her! Especially her under age children that she lying around her relative, putting them at risk, that was part of reason of break up and demotion tobfriendship to accommodate under her weird circumstances of situations until she fix those issue of hers! How very considerable person I was!?! In my opinion it’s just a facade of “happy”. “ I’m a perfectionist”. Refuse to admit her consequence mistake. NOT EVEN ONE! Lastly Likewise on other articles Natasha had wrote such. It’s perfectly accurate. Especially what Irena wrote above “. . In my experience, people with little emotional maturity have very poor long term memories, and they get very confused when you respond to silence with silence.” paragraph. EXACTLY! EXACTLY I EXPERIENCED FROM BOTH EXES! I have done A LOT OF GOOD DEEDS FOR HER, HER FAMILY BEING, FREE HER FROM OPPRESSION, AND “SEEDED” HER BRIGHT FUTURE FOR THE DEAF BLIND COMMUNITY! What do I get? Blame, cheated, destroy me with another guy, punishment, and still in her own denial. She is a coward to face TRUTH because of above and impose silent treatments unless her conditions and terms are met!
I thank Natasha, her troops, my counselor (back in 2017. ***She was very bitch and straight forward counselor that I excepted truthfully sessions regardless I like to hear or not. That I have high respect for and fond of her!.), family/friends, varieties of religious, and 12 Step program to pull me through and to heal pathway.
*** I rather to have counselor that is STRAIGHTFORWARD! Not those who are weak counselors that would soft on you and too subtle or full of shit! No offense pun that the sentiment I mean. That said should any of you seek counselor. Chose HIGH QUALITY ONE! You won’t be disappointed! Guaranteed! Do NOT (under any circumstance) go to any counselor that YOU do not feel fit in with or not respect your culture or whatever. I had to change few because of that reason. Listen to your instinct!
Thank God for this post and PMS! Should this free me of my resentments. Natasha and troops will be in my debt! This is a GODSEND post!
I’m so happy that you love this post as much as I do John <3 You are never alone. We are all with and behind you; thank you for being a part of this tribe 🙂
Dear Linda, Thank you so much, again for your post, and for this loving reply. Thanks for reminding me to take care of myself first and realize how far I’ve come. Much easier to hold on to the reins when you know you have others cheering for you and supporting you. I’m so glad to hear that your ex does not occupy your mind as he once did – here’s to traveling down that hard road on our White Horses, separately, but together. With much heart, -Kelly
Linda,
Thank you so much for this heartfelt post. What a sincere and loving resource you have been and continue to be for people in pain. I think it’s so important that you pointed out that part of the struggle is truly believing that being ghosted is not really about the person being ghosted. It’s so hard to not take it personally, as a rejection of who you are, especially after you have been physically and emotionally intimate with the ghoster.
I absolutely loved this part of your post: “My experience is that they are rejecting a part of themselves. The emotional part. The part built to feel true emotion. You were a mirror and triggered this part. And since they are incapable of following through, they have to do what is easiest and most convenient for them: disappear.”
That absolutely nails it. We are all mirrors, and others will see their reflection in us simply because we exist. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.
And I totally agree — it is best to go no contact. This post is so helpful and practical because it shows that you don’t have to be “over it” or be totally together to make the decision to have your own back and ghost the person right back. You can do it even if you are heartbroken at the same time. In my experience, people with little emotional maturity have very poor long term memories, and they get very confused when you respond to silence with silence. And the very best question a ghost could possibly ask is: who actually ghosted who? ? ?
Thanks again for this piece. There is so much love here.
xo,
Irena
Irena, Thank you very much. Excellent insight. “Immature” you said. You hit home run! Scored for the A’s! Homer! Homey! Yes it is hard to cope with it especially heartbroken, reject-unworthy and esteem destroy. After reveal betrayal, cheated, infidelity, and treachery. No contact with ex is much more hell than ex-wife of 25 (35 total) years vs 2.5 (1/1.5 total) years with ex. Unbelievably! To rebuild takes lot of time and efforts but I’m getting there. Hope out of wood soon. Thank you.
Hello Irena.
Thank you so much ch. I am flattered by your sweet comments.
You are so very kind. It took a while to realize that ghosting is was about him and not me. It’s much easier to blame yourself instead of putting blame on them.
You are correct in regards to maturity. If I think back, there were signs that maturity was lacking in other areas. There were flags but of course I ignored them. Lesson learned?. We do have to have our own back and at times it’s hard to do but it is necessary and it is another way to take care of our hearts.
No contact is either said than done but it is like a suit of armor to me. You are spot on when you talk about poor long term memories. I know that my ex has a completely different version of what led us to where we are today. Maybe that is a way of coping, I’m not sure. Just know that the no contact is best.
Thank again Irena. Your comment moments are full of love and I so appreciate that.
I hope you are well and that your new year is full of wonderful things.
Be well.
Xoxo ????
Thank you, Linda and Natasha. Natasha’s first column on ghosting helped me get over my relationship with my first narcissistic psychopath.
Now a second man I fell for has ghosted me, twice, over the past nine months, and the heartache is here again, but not as bad, for I am partially blaming myself for being colorblind to the red flags…and I must cut him out of my life, too…I don’t deserve this.
Linda, all you explain about the ghosters is true. The question remaining for me is, why do I seem to consistently choose men for relationships that end up this way? I had a marriage of 21 years where I was a doormat, then a boyfriend for 18 years who was never emotionally available, cheated on me (as did my ex-husband), and I ended that one. So the next two men seemed sincerely interested (when they were woth me) but ended up being ghosters. I now recognize from your columns that these were “transactional” relationships – when we were together, they were “all in,” it seemed…them I was eventually the only one communicating.
I am 61 years old now, still have my intelligence, my looks (for awhile), and an amazing amount to offer…but trust me when I tell you, the pool of men who are real, as well as physically attractive, emotionally available, and honest is more of a puddle, drying up in the sun.
So, moving forward, how do we shield ourselves from future ghosters? I think we may need to take a little more responsibility toward educating ourselves about personality types, human nature, and our own weaknesses to help avoid them. My mother never warned me about narcissists, or men with low self respect for themselves or women … These are hard lessons to learn on your own. Those of us who are trusting, kind and giving are easy prey for these types. So… Have I just concluded to myself that I must be kind, trusting, and giving to MYSELF ONLY, — and be untrusting, unkind and selfish toward everyone in potential relationships in self+defense? It’s a little hard to have someone hold you in their arms to figure that out while you’re sitting astride a white horse…
That said, I have horses, and trust me, that’s the safest place to be.
Terri
Hi Terry.
Thank you for your comments and for sharing. I’m not sure we will ever have all the answers but I can speak for myself in saying that I did not always listen to my instinct or pay attention to the flags. I think now you have this knowledge that Natasha has given to all of us and the experiences we have all shared here to help you. You must decide what is best for you. I think we are vulnerable anytime we get to try and know someone or involve them in our life. I am more conscious now and I have learned age has nothing to do with ghosting. It happens to many different people of many ages. Don’t blame yourself for being kind but have boundaries as Natasha says and respect yourself. Keep your white horse close and remain positive. You probably are stronger than you think and strength and independence makes other people nervous.
Keep coming to this wonderful place and I’m sure you will grow as I have. Be well. Thank you again.
????
Dear Terri,
As your comment mentioned sound similar as one of my almost-life long friend. Not in frequent connection. Anyway. She is few years older than me and is a Vice President of a big company. Yes she is very independent,workcholic, and stay busy all the time within her own life. She is an attractive and very physically attracted. She have went thru some rough times including a ghosted our ex husband. Out of blue. I don’t know how she have her strength to overcome and again she is a strong person. Maybe tough? ?. I have high respect of her because her bold-truths, and a sweet person BUT I would be SCARE to be in relationship with her because of cultural difference and I don’t think I’m any of physically attractive to her. So friendship is best route. Likewise you mentioned physically attractive and honesty dudes are hard find nowadays maybe you need to try to lessen exceptions? Example. Say. Kim Kardashina. She got god gift bubble ass, curvy, thick, and all beauties vs unknown that don’t match what Kim have but is far more attraction to be with. Which one would you chose? Would you sleep in confidence trusting a model star wont cheat you? (Considering millions men lined up wanting her!?!). The most part to find a honest strong person is extreme hard find nowadays! As it seem that some of us have good battery that they need “recharge” out from us then dump once they are fueled up to move on. Result? They don’t last on the other hand depend the situation of different relationship that some of us did “seeded” fondness into them that impact their lives better. Yes that hurts more than hell that you proved your love and they hid you under the bus and treat bad to you till they ghosted out. For that reasons why I became so angry to god because I feel that I’m assigned into relationshit with future fakers that I fell off from horse and “teach them the taste of lesson of truth” after reveal betrayal/cheated of trust regardless friendship/relationship status that later impacted better their life. All combine this PMS, counselors, 12 Steps, and others helped me to recognize our mistakes. This is clear example why PMS encourage stick on white horse and stand on your ground. Let those losers go. Let their sweet karma take care of them. This “ghosted” article DID RELEASE my angers and resentments since I read this article. Now how do we avoid getting hurt from ghosted no matter you or him or both? I introspected how can that be avoided!?! I saw ….. Shit there was lot of tell tales or red flags that we ignored until we are ghosted out. Also introspect YOURSELF to why ghosted out hurts you more than hell!?! Or trauma from past ghosted? (Your childhood?) You will find your culprit why you fear being ghosted out. Now that part I’m trying to figure how not to get agony-hurts-pains after being ghosted out in the future. Again, you will see why “to love yourself” is in an order! Maybe easy in your case? My case, not an easy thing due to one of my dual disability. Lastly as you mentioned about 61/beauty? Really? Sound like you are pretty woman and age is taking your beauty away? I highly doubt. There’s lot of horny old people out there! ???. You will find good hunk-stud dude of your dream. Physically attracted or not when it comes to heart you found one? Only if you allow the higher university to do the magic of unknowns Go with flow not go with force flow ????? . ?. Regards. John.
Great Job Linda! Well done!! Totally right about everything you said.
xx
Hello Keiwa
Thank you so much! I’m so glad you read this post. I really appreciate you taking the time to do so.
I just wanted to try and help and encourage others here in the tribe.
Be well and thank you again.
????
I loved this article!
Great job Linda, and I love, as always, Natasha’s description of an emotional bed sh*tter, it made me chuckle and shake my head as it is so accurate.
I hope you are both doing great!
I am post a year and a half of leaving my “friend” and that job behind and I am so much better.
I still try to make sense of it sometimes only cause the situation and him were so bizarre, it’s like I have PTSD or something.
But I’ve stayed on my White Horse and NOT ONCE ever asked about him or reached out or frequented any where he could be. I feel so at peace and honestly the thought of him makes me sick.
Love to you both, and to everyone struggling with this. Hang in there, there will be a day when it turns around.
I went thru hell and back, it was the worst situation of my life but I felt the pain and made it thru with the help of this tribe!
I look forward to your book Natasha!
Love Christine xox
Thank you so much for sharing Christine. Truth be told, your beautiful comment made me feel less ashamed, and powerless in a difficult time that I found myself in today. So proud of and happy for you.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe 🙂 I’m happy that you loved this post as much as I do. And LOL I was laughing while writing that quote.
All my love to you soul sister. xoxo
Hello Christine.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
I am so glad to hear that you made it through a very hard time. We do come out the other side eventually but while we are going through the experience, it is difficult to think we will. I have been there way too much.
You should be so proud of yourself for keeping your self respect and maintaining a boundary by staying on your white horse. I do believe it is a powerful message to that person who you were involved with but also to others around you. Mostly it is best for you. I have no doubt you will stay strong and the future is bright for you.
Thank you again and be well. ????
Natasha!
Wowza! I just saw your engagement photo!
Congratulations! You’re a beautiful soul deserving of this!
I couldn’t be happier for you
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Thanks Christine! 🙂 That (and you) means the world to me. Love you. xox
Linda,
When I read the article I felt like it was written for me, wow, it’s unbelievable!!!
After “my ghost” disappeared 6 months ago (after 3 years together), I was devastated, thinking about him any second, any minute – until now. He however decided that he would come back once for every month to check on me and to feed his ego making sure he can have me as a friend. I would tell him I don’t want to be a friend of him ( I’ve been too hurt and I really don’t need this friendship!) he would still call me a month later acting like nothing happened and keeping it friendly on the phone, then he disappears for another month may be.. Why would he do that?!
His behavior has started to irritate me and I’m thinking to go to no contact for good. I don’t need his crumbs, I feel much better without them. All I need is to heal completely and move on!
Thank you guys for all these articles, I’m so happy to find you out!
? ??
Hello Geri.
Thank you for your comments. I am so glad that this post could provide some help for you and to hope that it also gave a little clarity. I am so sorry yo experienced something so painful and unnecessary. It never ceases to amaze me how people can just disappear without giving a thought as to how another person may feel. The nerve and absolute arrogance to try and return and ask to be your friend is beyond selfish. I am so glad you have found strength and courage to move ahead. It’s not about you at all. I am glad you are considering no contact. It is difficult I know but it is necessary to be able to heal and move forward. Natasha encourages us all to stay on our white horses. I agree. It sends a message and it communicates a degree of respect for yourself.
Stay strong and keep coming back to PMS to find so much support and wisdom. It is very valuable.
Stay well and strong and thank you again. ??
Natasha, Linda & tribe:
Great stuff you’re writing here. So honest, real and just what I need right now. This stuff is so toxic and well you can run but you can’t hide, you may see your own issues in your children and that’s a whole new level of unacceptable.
I did this “ghosting”’ to others in my early 20s. Ugh. I was looking for love so desperately yet was thoroughly convinced I was not worthy. I knew how to do the dance though, I walked down the aisle until I got blisters but my nights were spent looking for evidence, the proof that they could never really love me, my worst fear. I tried, but that’s as far as I knew how to go. I was unable to love. Sigh. Many times I’ve been on the other side now. My white horse gets confused and jumps on the merry-go-round sometimes but we are making forward progress. I learned love is an action word, realized Jeffrey Dahmer loved his victims even as he was eating them, love is only a feeling, unless it’s a behavior it’s nothing.
Suzisavage
Hello Susanne.
Thank you for your comments. I find it very commendable that you admit so much here about yourself. I think that recognizing that a behavior in your past may have been the best way to handle a situation is progress in a good direction. We do things in our 20’s and up to our 50’s if I’m being honest that are not always something to be proud of but to stop and recognize it and to not want to do it any more is a big deal. I would say to go forward and not backward. Natasha says many times that beating ourselves up is not a positive thing. Recognizing is far better. Love is also a delicate thing. We all meet people and form relationships with individuals who may not make us feel loved but it starts with you. Love and respect yourself first. You have to radiate that and carry yourself as such. I truly believe that you will begin to attract those same people because you will not accept any less. You only have one life and there is on,y one you so be good to yourself, work to move ahead and not dwell on past mistakes to punish yourself. Remember them only to improve the world of you. Stay here with the tribe and continue reading and getting the great wisdom of Natasha and you will see you are not alone in any of the issues you may be experiencing.
Thank you again and stay well.
????
I love you and your heart, Linda. Thanks for being family to me and us all. xox
What an incredible person and writer you are Susanne. I’ve found myself on that merry-go-round many times too. Thanks for being a part of this tribe; thanks for being YOU.
I’m glad that you love this post as much as I do. Linda did a fantastic job!
Big love to you, soul sister. xo
Hi Linda.
Hope you’re doing well and safe.
I’m back here to your post, feeling confused and wanting to share how my story has been going. I did pretty well with the NC for a while and then I decided that I can afford responding his texts, I thought I was strong enough to handle it. And here we are now, 15 months after the “break up”( ghosting)- the guy keeps texting me here and there but this time not just friendly, he comes with sexual context and simply invites me to his place. Nothing else- not real conversations about anything, not even an effort to make me WANT to go, not even an attempt to come find me first, to ask how I’m feeling after all. Really? Ridiculous, isn’t it?!As much as I want to see him ( I know it sounds crazy)- I won’t do it! I know he is a man for many women( parallel relationships are his lifestyle) and it’s not my job to fix this, I can’t change him. The issue is that after more than a year I’m still thinking of him and still getting butterflies when seeing his name on my phone screen or elsewhere. I worked hard on loving myself and moving on, believe me- I did my best! Unfortunately I’m still not confident enough to say – I made it!
I have a completely new job, a lot to learn and focus on but no matter what I do- he is in my mind! I’m strong enough not to initiate contact first but deep inside I’m secretly hoping every day for him to do it- I’m not going to lie to you. I don’t know how much longer it’s gonna take, why didn’t I get tired of all this? Sigh….
Linda,
Thank you for writing the guest post on “ghosting”. My ghosting experience is not the norm as it was not a romantic relationship, rather it was a life long relationship (about 35 years of my 47 years anyway) with a close relative who ghosted me over 2 years ago. To this day I have been having the hardest time dealing with this part of my life. In fact I have found it to be harder to deal with then when I lost my wife who passed away over 8 years ago; I believe that is because you don’t get the choice when someone dies you simply have to deal with it. Another part of the pain is that this person was the one person who helped me deal with the loss of my wife. I have read a lot of articles in hope to find that “answer” that will help me get over it, but of course there is no such thing. I have learned that co-dependent persons have the hardest time when it comes to stuff like this and unfortunately I’m about co-dependent as they come; grew up with out ever knowing my Father, and always felt the fear that I was being abandoned. Any advise for someone like myself?
Hello Peter.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry to learn that you lost your wife. I cannot imagine what that is like. I do agree that losing a love one in that case is a far cry than someone who drops off the radar with no warning or explanation. We do accept the passing of someone because we must. Someone who is still on earth somewhere doing this type of act is much harder to accept. I have experienced both many times. I do not have a solid answer for why someone close to you who helped you through such a hard time would just disappear. Perhaps they had a reason but could not share it or that the pain of dealing with your wife’s death was also too much. At this point I would say that whatever it was they clearly did not feel the need to share with you. That person no matter how long you knew them, should not be taking any joy you are capable of having in your life. You are still someone who must live and find peace. As Natasha has said many times, some people are emotionally bankrupt, some are narcissistic, some are just not emotionally equipped to have friendships or relationships. You still must live and seek the things in life that please you. Energy is a precious thing so don’t waste it on living in the past or replaying scenes trying to figure out what happened and why. You will lose valuable time and energy and emotional strength.
I don’t know you or the person involved but nothing good comes from that. It only damages your confidence and most of all cheats you out of what could be good moments in your life.
I hope that helps a little. You should also realize that now that you have come here, you are not alone. Many of us have experienced your situation and worse. It does not happen to just a few. I wish it did not happen at all.
I encourage you to keep reading and learning from Natasha and the wonderful people who share their stories here. Three years ago this month I found this place and I was not in a good place at all. I’m a different woman now and I know a lot of it is because of what I learned here.
Take care of yourself and look ahead, not back.
Be well and thank you again for your comments.
Linda
Thank you so much Linda – for being you. Xo
Linda! Your own beautifully written post! I’ve been MIA, but I was following closely a couple years ago on PMS and always loved and found encouragement in your comments. So it warms my heart to see you featured as a guest poster!
You really nailed how to get over a Ghoster. It’s the worst kind of “break-up” there is. Zero closure, all the loose ends flapping in the breeze. Your tools for dealing with this kind of trauma are invaluable. Thank you for sharing and adding in pieces of your own personal journey. Hugs sister!! Xo ?
Missed you KP! Glad that you love this post as much as I do! xo
Hello KP.
I’m so grateful for your kind words. I appreciate it so much. I feel so blessed to know Natasha and to have this chance to share what we’re some of the worst moments with all of you only to help and encourage us all to know we are not alone I these unpleasant experiences. It feels like we are singled out many times but honestly we all run across people who hurt us be it on purpose or by accident. I wish it was not so but if my own experiences can give people help and comfort I am happy to share them. I also believe that they brought me here to the place that Natasha created. That’s a good thing,
Thank you again and I hope all is well for you and you are safe and sound. Be well.
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Linda
After a short but serious relationship, my ex deactivated towards me (definitely avoidant). I reached out after a month or more of NC with a kind correspondence apologizing for my part in our demise and wished her the best but did not expect a return communication so she was aware I was not needy or desperate. That was over a month ago i sent that text and have no heard anything. I was blocked on social media for her own reason but no phone. I cannot stop wanting her back even after ghosting. I have worked incredibly hard on myself and have found forgiveness for her and myself. Everyone else is lucky enough for their ghost to come back, why am I not? Its been 3 months.
Hi Ann! Just because they aren’t directly coming back, doesn’t mean they aren’t “checking in” in other ways. They may come back, they may not but you’ve been able to do what most struggle with: forgive. I wish I had the time to write more (thanks for your kindness and understanding) but please know that you’re not alone. Keep having your own back and know your worth. You got this, sister. xo
I am so glad that I found your blog. I have now endured two weeks of the silent treatment from the man I thought was my partner. I met him last December, and we fell into a comfortable relationship. I had been single for a very long time and was not in any way interested in a relationship. However, we became close friends and even decided we wanted to be in a long distance relationship. We talked every single day and either by phone or video chat, and we texted or What’s App’d each other throughout the day. We had everything in common, so it seemed. He made me laugh, he was kind, he was the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We made plans for him to move to my country to live with me until I was ready to retire and then we were going to retire in his country. He has a very high level job in law enforcement and it is very stressful. He never had an ordinary work day and I found that although we talked all the time, we could never get into depth about real “relationship” things, like conflict resolution, money management, life goals, because I was always trying to keep his “head space” clear. He always called me. I very seldom called him, again because his job is so “stressful” and I never knew when he was going to be on a sting or a meeting or whatever. However, when I did call, he always answered or called me back if he missed the call. When we first started talking, I asked him why he was not in a relationship. He is good looking, employed in a good job, owns his own house and is financially stable. He said that no woman understood his job, and the toll it takes on him and the demands of the job, and if they did not hear from him for 3 or 4 days, they assumed he was with another woman. He said he had not met a woman who could understand and accept that. So I said accepted his comments. I have experienced the challenges his job presents but it wasn’t anything I could not live with. After all, we are living in two different countries. We can’t physically see each other so I didn’t see the need to make a fuss if he didn’t call me for 12 or 24 hours. He would text and let me know he was ok and he always called me when the mission was finished to let me know he was ok and he was on his way home. I thought that everything was good between us and was very happy with the relationship and how we were progressing and communicating. We committed to each other and we committed to always being open, transparent, and act as adults in the relationship – something I have never had in any relationship.
My mom passed recently and he was supportive. With the pandemic it was impossible for him to be with me physically, but he communicated with me daily by video chat, checking to make sure I was ok and the arrangements were going ok. I was expecting him to send me flowers, or a card but he didn’t … and that bothered me. Instead of me sharing how I felt, I just suppressed it and I guess I expected him to telepathically read my mind. A couple of weeks ago I asked him if he would be open to reading a book called “Getting the love You want” as a means of starting the conversation about how to build a strong, lasting relationship. He was enthusiastic, said he was looking forward to the conversation and thought it was an excellent idea. So, we downloaded the book. That was on a Wednesday. He had a mission come up and our communication was sporadic over the next couple of days. On the Saturday, he sent me a message to say he was ok and to have a blessed Saturday. I sent him a message back that was completely random that said “GIve flowers. Every woman loves flowers. Find out her favorite ones and surprise her for no reason with them.” He then sent me a message saying “I dont know what I did wrong and trying to figure that out and focus because we are out on an Operation as we speak and it is quite challenging. Enjoy the afternoon.” SO I sent him a message saying he hadn’t done anything wrong and to focus on his mission and we would talk later. On Sunday he sent me a message saying he was home and he was going to decompress and relax. On the Monday morning, he called me and asked me if I was going to tell him what was wrong and why he was in punishment. I asked him if he was at work, and he said yes. So I said, we can talk later. Do you know I cannot recall the rest of the conversation – only that it went downhill from there and I don’t know why. I sent him a message later that morning just telling him to stay focused, and I know he is tired and I hope he gets a break soon. That was the last exchange that we have had.
Today marks Day 14 of the silent treatment. I called him. He didn’t answer and has not returned my calls. I have sent him text messages because he wasn’t reading my what’s app messages. He has read the text messages, but has not replied. The last message I sent him, over a week ago just said that I don’t know what I have done wrong, but we can’t resolve anything by not speaking. I also said to him that if your feelings for me have changed, and your love for me is gone, then let me know so, because the unknown is destroying my soul. Still no answer. I deleted him from my contacts and deleted the text messages, so I wouldn’t keep going back through them. I had to stop looking at what’s app because it hurt to see him online, talking to other people, but not talking to me. He hasn’t blocked me from any of his social media, which I don’t understand, given that he has completely disengaged.
I know that no response is a response and silence is a response. I am just having such a hard time reconciling the person I fell in love with , with this man who will not even acknowledge that I exist. I have gone back over our conversations and message exchanges trying to see if I said anything so horrible that I deserve to be cut off with no explanation and I can find none. I am blaming myself for not being transparent about what I wanted from him when my mom died and letting that fester into the whole thing about sending flowers.
I know that I am “owning” his behavior and that any man who loved me would not just cut off the oxygen to our relationship just like that. I have put myself in “no contact” mode, but I still want to talk to him. I still love him and want to understand what happened, even though there is no answer he could give me that would ever justify being treated this way, and why do I want to be with someone who treats me this way? Mature adults don’t just pack up their toys and leave the sandbox.
How do I move forward?
Hello Leah.
I am so very sorry that you are going through this experience. I can tell you I have been there.
Understand that you may never receive a response from him with an answer. This would require him to own his behavior. Some people cannot do that. Ever. The situation you described mirrors some that I have been through as well as other people who visit this blog. I have learned to be a little suspicious of those who control the relationship. When and how we communicate, when and if we see each other. The enthusiasm comes across to what we are lead to believe is an interest in having a religion with us but then just like you have experienced, the action is far from being in a relationship. He was not honest and for whatever reasons that I is how he operates. You just need to know that you did not make that happen. You are not at fault for asking him questions or having expectations. If you cannot talk to him than what is the point? You should it have to walk on eggshells. It’s exhausting and ridiculous. You deserve better. RESPECT is very important to who you are and you have to communicate that from day one. I think that he could handle your honestly and the emotions you were giving to him. He couldn’t be present in the way you wanted. That is him, not you.
You ask how to move on but you have already have. You should continue to remove yourself from any social media that involves him. It’s hard I know but you can do it. Keep your self respect. Practice no contact as Natasha says. It is so important to your healing. His behavior has communicated volumes to you. You are moving on. It’s ok to cry and feel bad and miss that person you thought he was but he’s not that person. You will heal and a new person or persons will come as will we experiences.
I wish you all the best and please continue to read all the posts that Natasha has written and continues to create.
Be well and thank you so much for reading this post. I really appreciate your story.
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Thank you. I keep coming back to these posts. It’s like a pep talk from a friend. I read it & thought “have you guys met my ex!?”. Love bombed me then vanished. Pretty hurtful. Of course he came back around but my lane had changed. I was now in my own!
“Of course he came back around but my lane had changed. I was now in my own!” – BRAVA!!
Thank YOU, Sarah! So happy that the post helped! xo
Hello. I was so glad to have found this article as I was recently ghosted by my (now ex) boyfriend of about a year. There were no returned phone call or text messages for about three weeks. Of course, I caught the hint. Ironically, as you’ve described in your content, I received a random “happy birthday” soon after being cast aside to which I offered no response. I will continue to hold steadfast to my dignity, self-respect, and as you’ve so wonderfully suggested, I will remain on my white horse and move on. No one deserves that sort of treatment, thus, I’ll continue to move in a positive direction. Thank you again.
Great article. I was just ghosted by a very close friend… when I say the pain stings it stings bad.. smh we weren’t dating but had phenomenal chemistry, and we both made that clear. Never know where it may have lead but the day he ghosted me, is the same day he text me checking in on me… by the end of the d’au I had been blocked on phone, Instagram and Facebook. I’ve never experienced this before and just getting out of a ten year relationship…… then this happening a few months later by a Friend really really broke my heart smh. I loved him…. I feel as if we are twin flames. He brought out some of the best parts of me smh and so did I with him….. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO GET OVER SOMEONE GHOSTING YOU BECUASE ITS BEEN TWO WEEKS AND THIS MESS HURTS A LITTLE STILL ??
I’m a bit late to the party, but this article and all of the blog, as well as the no contact contract course, itself are just brilliant. They have helped me in so many ways x
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Pauline <3 I'm glad that you love this article as much as I do. Linda did a fantastic job!
And I'm so happy that the course has been helpful. I live to give everything that I wish I would have had.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe; thank you for being YOU. xo
At the age of 48, I met a younger woman and fell in love with her within 45 seconds of meeting her. Sounds ridiculous right? I never believed it until it happened. She introduced herself to me, and I was hooked. Never met anyone like that in my life.
The problem was, I was married at the time, but our marriage was definitely on the rocks, but it was not the right time to break up. Our child was a few years from finishing school, so we mutually decided we’d wait until then. No bitterness, just lives wanting different things in the future.
My ex-wife had significant physical and emotional issues surrounding intimacy. We’d not made love in over 6 years by the time I’d met that younger woman, and yet I still feel in my prime. Some women don’t want to go to therapy, or surgery to correct those issues. Some people eventually discover they are asexual. And it’s not fair on their partner, whatsoever. It’s not fair on me. All I’ve ever needed in life was someone who wanted me both mentally and physically.
The young lady I met, was very much attracted to me, but I told her within an hour of our first date that I was married and I told her everything. She was disappointed and angry, but we chose to remain as friends.
I really wanted to get to know this woman, I’d never experienced anything like her. She was like my emotional twin, we clicked on every level. In my entire life I’d never experienced such comfort, such happiness inside. It felt like home. We had coffee and lunch several times afterwards. – She was studying, and I helped her with her studies. We kept a completely platonic friendship. But deep down, I yearned for more and I think she did too.
One day it became completely obvious we had both fallen for each other. It was torture. I had to tell her my feelings. I emailed her that night and opened it all up. After a torrent of emails, it became clear she didn’t want to get involved in someone else’s marriage, and because of that, she wanted out. Now. She told me she was ending it, and told me never to contact her again. I emailed her a few weeks later hoping we could at least keep some form of contact, but that was it, she cut all contact.
Even though I had a limited explanation (I don’t believe she told me everything, but refused to allow us to meet to at least talk about it), I still felt ghosted. She disappeared, and no matter what I tried, I never got a response.
For that young woman, every day I still feel like I’ve lost the destined love of my life. I don’t know where she is, or how she is. All I know is she stopped responding to any and all communication, and I’ll never see her again. It’s been 2 years now since I last saw her, and it still hurts every day.
To all ghosters: Never close communication channels. It is cold, cruel and immature. Even if that girl comes back into my life right now, how could I respect or forgive her?
Hello Andy.
Thank you for your comments. I appreciate you sharing your story. It is difficult when one feels like there can be so much to a relationship. You state it was hard for you and I understand because I have been there. My guess without knowing either one of you personally is that she felt she had to protect herself and you from further heartache. I’m not sure but I am sure it’s not what she really would have chosen but she could not go further because you were still in a marriage. I know it’s very painful but if things were as wonderful as you described then she wanted to keep that definition of things between you. Perhaps in the future you will meet again and it will be proper timing. I do understand and I wish you peace and healing. Try to find happiness but just make sure you are in a position to not only accept fully what someone has to offer but that you can return the same to them. Be well. Thank you again for your story.
I love seeing this kind of connection and love. Thank you both, Andy and Linda for taking the time to connect and for being a part of this community.
And thank you to my dear soul sister, Linda for writing such an incredible post that to this day, helps many people around the world feel less alone <3
Gah, I am so glad I came across this article. I am assuming I am currently in the midst of being ghosted. I’ve been talking to him for only a couple of months. Rarely are we able to see each other because our work schedules, and kids. However, our whatever we have had has been “good morning,” texts every day, discussing only being for one another, he even used the phrase, “forever,” just a week ago. Two nights ago now I was texting him and he disappeared for a few hours, what would happen often, so when he contacted me at midnight I gently told him, “getting close to you is difficult, if you need space now and then just communicate that.” His response the following morning, “good morning baby, I’ll do better.” The last I heard from him was midday two days ago. I tried contacting him yesterday, initially because how was I suppose to know what was going on? And then finally last night telling him if this is what is happening, I would rather you just tell me.
He struggles with anxiety, so ghosting me feels extra selfish as he should know the kind of hurt it causes is a painful and confusing one. Idk, maybe I should have given it more time than a day but this article helped so I don’t try to contact anymore. I’m just baffled and hurt.
Hello Jenny.
Thank you for your comments. I am sorry to read that you are so sad and hurt. I understand based on the way you described the treatment that you have been receiving. I would agree that it’s best to stop communicating with him. It is a difficult thing to do but you deserve more than silence and then random contact when he is ready to do so. You deserve respect and an adult relationship. So far this person does not demonstrate this. Natasha has taught me that actions speak louder than words. Watch the action. Words are easy to use especially in texts and social media. Meaningful conversation matched with action is much harder to come by. It is out there though and I suggest you seek that out. Keep reading these posts and you will learn more to give support to what you are feeling now. I hope this helps. Be well and put yourself first. Thank you again for you comments.
Thanks for the great article and this space. I need acknowledgement of what I’ve just been through. I’m a 67 year old male married for 42 years. About 2 years ago we met a local lady n her 60’s who made friends with us. She is a teacher and very well educated. For 2 years she phoned 2-3 times a week and often when she shopped bought gifts for us such as chocolate, bread and biscuits. She is a meditation and mindfulness teacher also. No red flags here, she just stopped all contact. I’ve been sick with anxiety/guilt and fear since but can’t think of anything said or done to offend. She would always end her calls ‘lots of love’. Then disappeared. She’s alive and well I know that much. Just cut all contact with us. She is recognised in our community for helping people and is very religious so I found it almost impossible to conceive she did a complete turn around. She said she considered us as family and true friends. Then nothing. But she was so, so nice. We never had a disagreement or said anything but kind words. How can such a nice person be so cruel? She’s the wife of a local physician also. We haven’t responded as this has been ill advised. But it’s beginning to look like she was a fake friend as real friends wouldn’t do this. She said she cares about us and would never harm or hurt us. I suppose that was all lies too? It’s a shock to the system when someone who seemed so, so nice and a very kind friend, just disposed of us like a piece of rubbish without any shame or guilt. It’s very scary as I don’t understand how such a good person could stoop so low. But I cannot find anything wrong we did or said. So confusing. Thank you if you air this. If you need to edit some bits it’s ok. But at least someone has some idea of the traumatic experience this has been. Do I exist? Am I human anymore? I feel my dignity was abused and am very hurt but I will get over it if I can talk about it and get some empathy.
Hello David.
I am so sorry to hear of this happening to you. It is a difficult situation and one that is unique to me since you say that you were all friends and she considered you family. I would say that it is best to move forward. You may never know why. There could be many reasons but it seems that this person does not want to share that reason. Now is a good time to have a boundary so that this does not happen again. People make decisions to end relationships but they forget it is not just about them. Other people are involved. She did not seem to consider your feelings. I know that hurts but clearly this person did not or cannot consider anyone else’s feelings right now. Go forward and know you learned something by this experience and if this person does contact you, be very careful as to decide if you really want to erase that boundary to let here your life again.
I hope this helps. Thank you for your comments and please continue to read all of Natasha’s work here. You will learn a lot and be comforted by her knowledge. Be well.
Amen! I love and appreciate you so much, my sister.
Sending you love, David. You are not alone.
I try hard not to think about it. I haven’t been able to be there for for the people I loved who needed me. It’s hard to even want to try when you feel so broken. You want to trust again, even just not be lonely but how can you move on when you always feel like you’re drowning. Eveyone and eveything I loved is slipping away, hope feels like a distant memory. I wish they could feel a days worth of the pain they caused, or better yet take all of it back. Why did you chose me for this? Was it worth it? Do you really feel better now?
This is a great article and you are so on point with everything. I recently was a victim of being ghosted and it completely broke my heart and soul. I was left feeling confused, lost, and didn’t know what I did to deserve this. I met a guy on a dating site, we instantly vibed and clicked. We would have phone conversations that would go all throughout the night. We would text every morning “goodmorning”, communicate throughout the day and “goodnight” texts at night. I thought my prayers had been answered when I met him. He was everything I had ever wanted in someone. He would always put a smile on my face. Things heated up very quickly with us. Heart emojis, “I miss you” texts…all of that. Thing would be great when we would hang out. Yes, we would have the occasional little bicker here and there, but who wouldn’t sometimes have a difference in opinion with someone they are talking to every single day for almost 3 months. There were a few “red flags” early on that I noticed but because I fell so hard and fast for him I ignored them. I had come to learn as I got to know him more and more that he has commitment issues. He also did cancel or flake on our plans a couple of times which shouldn’t happen at the beginning. He knew I wanted more from him and I was trying to be patient and not pushy about it, but I wanted us to have a real committed relationship. He only had a couple of actual girlfriends in the past, but since then he’s just dated here and there and was used to being single. After a couple of months of spending time with someone you know whether or not you want them or not. The few days prior to him ghosting me I spent two days with him and everything seemed great. We had a little bicker but moved on from it and everything was fine. Our texts seemed normal after that and the couple of days after that. Saturday comes along when we had plans to hang out and he cancelled on me saying he was hungover from being with friends the night before and to go and make plans without him. I was upset but went and made my plans. The next day I sent a really sweet good morning text and nothing. Crickets….
He always responded to me so I found this strange. I sent a few messages after that (digital texts and audio messages) and still nothing. I saw he opened them and kept them but still no response. I realized at that point what was going on and was just in a state of shock. I sent one last message explaining how I felt and what he is doing to me completely broke my heart. Still nothing. I reread our last bunch of texts to try and figure out what I had done wrong or where this went wrong and I’ll never know because I have no answers or closure. I’ve been through a marriage separation and this is even worse. It’s horrible. Thinking back I do recall him telling me that he tends to be a “runaway” in relationships and he has “ghosted” women before. I just never thought he would do it to me. I thought we had something special and different. I was so upset I didn’t eat for two days and just not taking care of myself. The hurt is real. Nothing I’ve ever experienced.
Hello Lauren.
First, I’m so sorry that you experienced this situation. It is unbelievably difficult and so hard to take because the person who does the ghosting has absolutely no clue or regard for the damage they cause. This is not your doing. He chose to handle things so badly and with no maturity. This is a problem within his character. He told you he has done this before which as you said is a flag but when you are in the beginning stages, you do not see it because he was busy making you feel like a princess and that you are so valuable to him. From the details you give it seems like he has a pattern. You just got caught in it. Now comes the part where you do not eve give him any part of you again. As Natasha says, you stay on your white horse. The best medicine for you is ignoring any contact he may make. I know it is difficult because it happened to me so much. The most important thing to remove is that you maintain yourself respect. He cannot take that from you unless you let him. I am sure you will not be the last person he ghosts but it sounds like you are someone who knows what you want so do not settle for less. Maintain healthy boundaries and build the life you want with people who will respect you and love you not disregard your feelings.
Continue to read all the posts that Natasha has created. There is so much wisdom here and love.
You are not alone. 💕. Thank you for your comments and I wish you love and happiness and peace.