You thought that you and the person you were dating had a great connection. You made each other laugh, the chemistry was there, the conversation flowed naturally, and you both talked about the future. After a few weeks/months, however, the constant back-and-forth texts between the two of you started to peter off. You’d be left hanging for hours without a response. They suddenly seemed to be a lot busier and more unavailable. You felt a disconnect but chalked it up to “overthinking.” And then one day… the communication stopped altogether. They ghosted you.
Getting abandoned out of the blue by someone you care about, being met with radio silence, and left without an explanation is one of the most awful feelings. All of our un-dealt with trauma gets brought back up while we obsessively rehash a past that doesn’t support the pain/reality of the present moment in any way.
“How did this happen?”
“What did I do wrong?”
“How will I ever be able to trust again?”
You want closure but it’s nowhere to be found. You need to know how to get over someone who ghosted you, ASAP.
Stop Looking For An Explanation
Stop looking for an explanation or a specific “reason” why they did it. After all, there a million possibilities. Maybe they met someone else, maybe they realized they weren’t ready for a relationship, maybe they weren’t quite as emotionally invested in things as you were, or maybe they’re just a complete jerk.
The point is that trying to play a never-ending guessing game about “what you did wrong” (likely, nothing) or why they’d leave a seemingly great situation will just make you feel more miserable than you already do.
You’ll continue to dwell on the relationship, you’ll start to doubt how awesome you are, and you’ll waste time and energy on someone who, at the end of the day, just wasn’t worth your time.
Plus, the fact of the matter is that the problem is almost always with the person who ghosted you, and not you. They may be conflict-avoidant, have a narcissistic personality, or they just may be emotionally afraid of getting close to someone. These are not traits you want in a partner.
Remember, you’re better off without them.
That’s not to say you can’t be upset, angry, or just completely confused. In fact, it’s important to allow yourself to feel those emotions and admit to yourself that being ghosted hurt you – especially if you’re dealing with ghosting after a long relationship.
But your goal should be to take care of yourself and think about what you need or want to do to move on, not what may have caused the other person to walk away.
When they disappeared, they took all their selfish, self-serving and excuses with them. Not so comforting, I know, but you cannot control other people’s actions. This person is solely responsible for all the damage. Ghosts may float away but their weight can still be very heavy. Do not carry their weight for them. Blaming yourself is not going to provide any comfort. Even if you had some moments of bad behavior or there was a conflict of some sort, having a conversation about it would be the mature and compassionate way to handle the situation. Ghosting is not a solution. It shows that this person acted out of fear. Fear of being emotionally vulnerable.
When someone ghosts you, here’s what they’re too embarrassed to say…
“I am incapable of a relationship beyond a grade school level. I cannot maturely and clearly communicate. I am scared sh*tless of being seen for who I really am. I avoid confrontation, feeling uncomfortable in any way, and experiencing a response from you that pins me for who I am. My avoidance has neutered me of the ability to be courageous and honest. I protect/defend my state of denial and avoidance as much as I do my fragile ego. These are all more important to me than how my behavior makes you feel. I am an emotional pants sh*tter who would rather make you think that there’s something wrong with you than know the truth: that I am an emotionally un-potty trained adult.” – Natasha Adamo
Make a No Contact Commitment
If you’re truly committed to learning how to get over someone who ghosted you, then cutting off all contact with them is the best way to move on for good.
This means no texting, no calls, no excuses about why you “need” to talk to them, (you don’t) and no “casually showing up” at places you know they might be.
Get Support When You Need It
Learning how to get over someone you love, whether you were ghosted or if it was a standard breakup, definitely takes a serious emotional toll on you.
Expect to feel rejected. How could you not? Try to remember, the rejection is not about you. This person is rejecting everything that comes with being in a mature relationship. They did not stay long enough to know the real you. You cannot reject the true being of someone if you take no time to invest in them. It is the idea of a relationship that they can walk away or run away from in most cases.
My experience is that they are rejecting a part of themselves. The emotional part. The part built to feel true emotion. You were a mirror and triggered this part. And since they are incapable of following through, they have to do what is easiest and most convenient for them: disappear.
Need more help with how to get over someone who ghosted you?
Honor your feelings. It is very uncomfortable to feel the pain that cuts with an emotional knife. The discomfort is a part of the damage the ghost does. Most importantly, do not dismiss that this is a blessing in disguise. It would have been worse to be with a person who handles their life decisions via avoidance. Think for a moment… how could this person even begin to handle the honor and responsibility of loving you and being loved by you? How can they be trusted with anyone’s heart? You know the answer. They can’t. This is of no value to you. You cannot build a home with no financial resources and one cannot build an emotional relationship when they have nothing to invest with.
As Natasha says, stay on your white horse. Preserve your self-respect. Do not lower your standards. Maintain no contact. As tempting as it may be, stay off social media. Don’t search this person out. They sent a clear message that they do not want to be found. Do not text, or reach out to mutual friends to plead your case.
If the ghost is that close to these people, they already knew this situation would occur. They probably have witnessed it before. You do not need to interrogate them, seek their approval, or seek validation.
Be the class act that you are. In my experience, the more time that passes the more the door that this person slammed in your face, stays closed. They do try to reappear. Some people have no shame. They have no problem disappearing for a year and emailing you on your birthday as if nothing happened (yes, this happened to me). This is not flattering. They are taking your temperature and looking to feed their ego. Don’t bite. They will then go back to the shadows. It is as if they needed oxygen so they came to you for it. The cost of your dignity and self-respect isn’t worth it.
This post was written by Natasha Adamo team member, Linda.
This is Linda’s first guest post so please give her a warm welcome. I get asked often how where/how I find guest writers. With the exception of my Mother and Greg Behrendt, I discovered Irena, Lorelle, and Linda through the comments below my own posts. I read every single comment and found myself going back to their comments to other readers when I was going through tough times. Their compassion and advice to other readers goes above and beyond. We formed a friendship and although we live in different states and ends of the world, this community that *we all* have created connects us.
And for that, I am eternally grateful.
Linda will be answering your comments and questions below!
+ If you need further and more personalized help with No Contact after being ghosted, please check out my intensive, No Contact Contract course. For one-on-one help, please look into working with me here.