You will never run from anything in your life faster than you’ll run from trying to figure out how to let go of someone you love and miss every day. It goes against your DNA and the very fiber of your being, deeply affecting your emotional state, often bringing you to a breaking point. How can you just let go of your home, your engine, your wheels, your legs… your emotional air supply – HOW?

Although it’s not easy, we can deal with finding out that we need to get surgery to repair something that is physically broken. But if we’re told that we need to get a limb amputated immediately… that’s obviously a whole different story.

We aren’t wired to emotionally digest having to amputate that which is not only essential to fully functioning on the everyday basis that we’re used to, but that which is a part of our body – be it emotional or physical.

So what do you do when life suddenly gives you a diagnosis of emotional amputation and negative emotions?

Where’s the manual for how to carry on?

HOW do you live with a missing emotional limb? A limb that was essential to getting you back to a home that you’re now locked out of.

Just like that, you inhabit a colorless existence – alone, homeless, scared, cold, and placed on a never-ending treadmill at a speed that your heart hasn’t built up the strength or endurance yet to sprint. You are constantly reminded of what you lost, making it even harder to heal and move on.

Weeds don’t need anything to grow. They’ll grow through the concrete without a drop of water. Flowers need consistent attention and nourishment.

The day I stopped trying to believe that my weeds would one day, magically turn into orchids, was the day that I had the courage to uproot the weeds. EVEN IF that meant facing my fear of having an empty garden for the time being.

So, with that intention… I’m going to share a little more of my story with you and how I learned to recognize and master my negative emotions.

Here’s how to let go of someone you love & miss every day during the healing process…

Ever since I was a child, I longed to have normalcy which now, looking back, I can define as a sanctuary; a place to call home.

I didn’t have any siblings and my parents divorced when I was five years old. The thing about my parent’s divorce is that no matter how amicable it was… in my mind, it marked the loss of any hope for the stability of an intact and “normal” sanctuary/home.

I felt like I had no emotional legs to pave my own path with because, in my mind, Mom and Dad being apart meant that I was defective. Seeking guidance from a licensed marriage and family therapist could have helped me navigate these complex feelings and gain insights into my emotional well-being.

My parents both moved on with their lives, married, and no matter how amazing they were and how many truly incredible grandparents, godparents, and family I had around that supported and loved me, I was emotionally paralyzed. I was homeless and never felt like I had a reliable and consistent sanctuary where my feelings were understood and my heart was at peace.

I was always with a different family member or parent and never wanted my time with them, which was fleeting, to be marred with anything other than my disease to please, “everything’s alright!” persona (which would oftentimes entail lying – to myself and others).

Because I was always around family that was much older than me and I didn’t have siblings at the time, I became a very old soul at a very young age. I observed and felt on a much different level and because of this, I was told by friends, family, teachers, school counselors, and coaches that I was “too sensitive;” that I needed to “toughen up.” After hearing this so many times, I began to believe that something was seriously wrong with me. I felt ashamed and guilty for wanting to express my feelings, which negatively impacted my mental health.

And so, little by little, my light dimmed. Acknowledging my own experiences became crucial in healing from these emotional struggles and moving forward. This process was essential in preparing myself for a new, healthy relationship.

At the age of eight, I shut down.

I felt invisible; unworthy of love because I didn’t have an identity, a home, emotional “legs” to walk away from toxicity, and any kind of sanctuary to call my own.

I was okay with being invisible because I trusted the opinions of those who made me feel this way. So, I became a quiet observer that longed for a home, emotional legs, and a sanctuary that I was convinced, would come rescue and complete me if I was “good enough.” A life coach can provide the emotional support and guidance needed to navigate such challenging times.

Before I knew it, the concrete of that belief system had dried and I was dating – on the SIDELINES of my own life.

I met someone who touched my soul, allowed me to realize that I had two emotional legs of my own all along, and was a sanctuary of safety, peace, and ovulatory bliss…

until one day he was gone and just like that… we were strangers.

The breakup hit me so hard, I spent the next eighteen months back in that completely cold and colorless existence. I was once again, without legs. The emotional paralysis hit me even harder than when I was a child because when I was a kid, I didn’t yet know the kind of nirvana that I had now been exposed to.

It’s one thing to not know what something is like and acquiesce to an existence based on the status quo, but when you get a taste of the kind of heaven that makes you wonder how you ever carried on before… letting go and going back to that “ignorance is bliss” is impossible.

Every breakup following that one was earth-shattering.

And because I was too scared to feel what I knew I was going through, I’d just bounce into the next toxic relationship or friendship. I never really got over my exes completely. Everything was just triggers, slot replacers, and fillers.

Years later, I realized what I was doing and was able to finally put an end to that era.

Although I loved and missed them terribly, I was able to gracefully let go of toxic exes, friends, and even family members. This emotional mastery not only improved my mental state but also positively impacted my physical health.

And the grace in which I let go ended up allowing me to be the one who was the hardest to forget.

Signs You Need to Seek Professional Help to Move On

Recognizing the subtle and overt signs that it’s time to let go can be the first step towards healing. Moving on from a relationship can feel impossible, especially when you’re deeply invested. But sometimes, the signs are there, whispering to you that it’s time to let go.

You might find yourself feeling unhappy or unfulfilled, even when you’re together. The spark that once ignited your connection has dimmed, and you’ve grown apart, no longer sharing common interests or values. Communication becomes strained, and intimacy feels like a distant memory. You might stay out of obligation or fear of being alone, but deep down, you know it’s not enough.

Infidelity or betrayal can shatter the trust you once had, leaving you questioning everything. You might feel disrespected or undervalued, your worth diminished in the eyes of someone who once cherished you. Even after trying counseling or therapy, the relationship remains stagnant, unable to heal the wounds.

Acknowledging these signs can be painful, but it’s essential for your growth. Holding on to a relationship that no longer serves you prevents you from moving forward and finding the happiness you deserve. It’s a difficult journey, but recognizing these signs is the first step towards reclaiming your life and building a future filled with joy and fulfillment.

Recognizing the subtle and overt signs that it’s time to let go can be the first step towards healing.

Recognizing an Unhealthy Relationship

Understanding the dynamics of unhealthy relationships helps in making informed decisions about moving forward. Unhealthy relationships can be insidious, creeping into your life and eroding your sense of self. It’s not always easy to see the signs when you’re in the midst of it, but recognizing these patterns is crucial for your well-being.

In an unhealthy relationship, one partner often holds all the power and control, leaving the other feeling powerless and diminished. Mutual respect and trust are absent, replaced by manipulation and deceit. Communication breaks down, and conflicts are left unresolved, festering beneath the surface. Spending time with such a partner can lead to emotional exhaustion and impact your well-being.

Emotional or physical abuse can be a devastating reality, leaving scars that run deep. The lack of intimacy and emotional connection creates a void, making you feel isolated and alone. Your goals and aspirations are dismissed, unsupported by a partner who should be your biggest cheerleader.

Recognizing these characteristics can be a wake-up call. It’s essential to take steps to protect yourself and prioritize your well-being. Moving forward from an unhealthy relationship is not just about leaving the past behind; it’s about reclaiming your power and building a future where mutual respect and love are the foundation.

Understanding the dynamics of unhealthy relationships helps in making informed decisions about moving forward.

Preparing for the Healing Process

Preparing for the healing process is a crucial step in moving forward after a breakup or the end of a relationship. It’s essential to take care of yourself and seek support from loved ones, friends, or a professional therapist. A marriage and family therapist can provide guidance and support throughout the healing process, helping you navigate your emotions and develop coping strategies.

Taking care of your physical health is also vital during this time. Engage in activities that promote relaxation and stress reduction, such as exercise, meditation, or yoga. A healthy body and mind are better equipped to handle the emotional challenges of the healing process.

Seeking support from others is also crucial. Talk to friends and family members about your feelings, and consider joining a support group or seeking professional help from a therapist. Sharing your emotions with others can help you process your feelings and gain a new perspective on your situation.

Taking care of yourself and seeking support are crucial first steps in your journey to healing.

Letting Go of the Past

Letting go of the past is a difficult but necessary step in the healing process. Embracing forgiveness and changing your story can help you move forward and release negative emotions. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning the past; it means releasing the negative emotions associated with it.

Changing your story means reframing your experiences and finding a new perspective on your past. This can help you move forward and focus on the present and future. A life coach or therapist can help you develop a new narrative and provide guidance on how to let go of the past.

It’s also essential to acknowledge that everyone’s healing process is unique, and it’s okay to take your time. Don’t put pressure on yourself to “get over” the past by a certain time or according to a specific timeline. Focus on making progress, not perfection.

Embracing forgiveness and changing your story can help you move forward.

Mastering Your Emotions

Mastering your emotions is a critical aspect of the healing process. Understanding and managing your emotions with self-compassion and patience is key. It’s essential to acknowledge and validate your feelings, rather than suppressing or denying them.

Practicing self-care and engaging in activities that promote relaxation and stress reduction can help you manage your emotions. This can include exercise, meditation, or creative pursuits. A therapist or life coach can also provide guidance on how to develop emotional regulation strategies and manage negative feelings.

It’s also important to remember that you are not alone in your emotions. Many people have experienced similar feelings and have come out the other side. Seeking support from others and practicing self-compassion can help you navigate your emotions and move forward.

By taking care of yourself, seeking support, letting go of the past, and mastering your emotions, you can move forward and create a fulfilling life. Remember that healing is a journey, and it’s okay to take your time. Focus on making progress, not perfection, and seek professional help when needed.

Understanding and managing your emotions with self-compassion and patience is key.

Here’s how to let go of someone you love and miss every day…

Five realizations that changed my life:

• How to let go of someone you love and miss every day – REALIZATION #1: Identify where you are building. I realized that because I never had a home, emotional legs or a sanctuary of my own, it was more painful to survey the damage and desolation of my own empty land than it was to build a sanctuary within my partner (and gain the emotional legs that I believed were missing). I built the most magnificent sanctuaries in my partners and I based my value on the level to which they would allow me into the home that I BUILT. I based my value on how far I could walk because of the legs that a product of MY CONSTRUCTION had given me. I shined MY light on others and then, marveled at their illumination. This realization helped me understand the importance of preparing for future relationships by building a strong foundation within myself.
• How to let go of someone you love and miss every day – REALIZATION #2: THIS is why the breakups were so debilitating. The breakups were so debilitating because it was a breakup with my own masterpiece – the sanctuary that I had created within another person. I was left without an identity, a compass, a home, and no legs to walk. This made me pedestal toxic people to an unhealthy level and drained me of my power. And because I was then, catapulted back to that feeling of emotional homelessness that I had as a child, I regressed back to the same fear, insecurity and emotional PARALYSIS of my eight-year-old self. There was no room for personal growth or evolution.
• How to let go of someone you love and miss every day – REALIZATION #3: Knowledge is power. When I realized that I was essentially constructing in other people the very thing that I was lacking, I was able to see how desperately I needed to build a sanctuary and a home within. I started to build my own home by digging deep into my pain. I felt every ounce of it. I wrote, I cried, and the deeper I went, the stronger the sanctuary that I was simultaneously building became. Make sure that you allow yourself to feel your pain so that it can leave because IT WILL. This understanding also helped me see how past experiences and emotional turmoil can impact one’s ability to form or maintain a healthy romantic relationship. This process significantly improved my mental well-being.
• How to let go of someone you love and miss every day – REALIZATION #4: It will still hurt. Yes, loss and breakups will still hurt. But if you stop trying to construct in other people the emotional home that Mom and/or Dad (with the best of intentions), deprived you of, your life will T R A N S F O R M. Yes, you will still feel the pain of your breakup. However, you will be able to disable that emotional regression back to the paralysis of an age in which conditions were put around love that should have been given to you unconditionally. You’ll bounce back from situations that you could have never imaged before. By creating a home for that child, you allow him/her to grow up and no longer look for outside sources of identity, meaning construction, and completion. This doesn’t make the pain of letting go of someone you love go away completely, but it gets rid of the hopelessness. It puts space around the pain because you now know that you’re ALREADY home.
• How to let go of someone you love and miss every day – REALIZATION #5: It may all fall down again at some point. And that’s okay. I’ve spent the last few years building the most magnificent home and sanctuary within. I was taking care of all my emotional needs and although at times I got triggered and felt insecurity, and pain, I was really solid… until eight months ago… and again recently. It was the perfect storm of so many things that happened all at once. My home came crashing down and again, I was homeless. As I gravitated toward my old habit of building a sanctuary in someone else, I realized the most amazing thing – all these years that I had been building a sanctuary, a HOME within, I had attracted and maintained relationships that not only reminded me of the framework of my home that was STILL there (and the capability of the emotional legs I used to get myself up off the floor), but they also celebrated and ENCOURAGED the rebuilding within (instead of exploiting my vulnerability to make themselves feel better).

Trying to figure out how to let go of someone you love and miss every day is hard. But when you focus on building a home within, you’ll always have the security of your OWN place to return to. And even if that place is temporarily empty and without furniture, at least it’s *YOURS.* This journey is essential for personal growth.

When learning how to stop missing someone, it’s essential to remember that if you’ve built a home within yourself, a breakup won’t leave you stranded and isolated. You won’t be LOCKED OUT of a sanctuary that YOU CREATED. This self-reflection and growth are crucial steps to creating a successful new relationship. This foundation is also vital for preparing yourself for a healthy relationship in the future.

You were BORN with the tools to build the most incredible sanctuary with the most able-bodied legs. And you’ve already proven to be the best general contractor on the block (as long as it’s a toxic person’s land you’re building on).

Reclaim your tools, empower your innate skills, and build within. You will then know how to let go of someone you love and miss every day.

If I can do it, so.can.you. Seeking guidance can also provide valuable insights and coping strategies during this journey.

+ the beginning of this post was inspired by the amazing Najwa Zebian.

Written by: Natasha Adamo