When you are stuck in the grip of pain and emotional triggers, knowing how to move on from heartbreak can seem impossible.
Acceptance goes hand in hand with knowing how to move on after heartbreak. I have tried everything to facilitate acceptance and moving on, and I mean everything. If someone told me that I could reach acceptance and moving on by baptizing myself with cat pee and giving myself a televised enema of sand while reciting the alphabet in Chinese, I probably would have done it in a heartbeat.
I was so desperate to feel indifferent to everyone and everything that caused me pain. I wanted, more than anything, to get to the point where I could just accept what was and start moving on but I was stuck.
It was like my legs were trapped in cement while everyone and everything around me was moving all around. And I just stood there – frozen in my pain, drowning in regret, and unable to control the obsessive thoughts.
Nothing worked. Why? Because just like with forgiveness, when it comes to knowing how to move on after heartbreak, it’s not something that you can just decide to do, do it, and it’s done.
It’s not that straight forward.
Here’s how to move on from heartbreak with your dignity in tow…
For me, I can’t just say “I forgive him/her” and then, BAM! I feel at peace and all is magically forgiven while I go skip through the fields and recite positive affirmations.
It has to be real.
While you weren’t wired with a “must accept now switch,” you were wired with the awareness and the tools to move on for good.
Yesterday, I met a girlfriend of mine for tea and she was having a really hard time accepting that the guy she’s been involved with for over a year has revealed himself to be an emotionally unavailable user that lied to her, made excuses, broke his promises and broke her heart. As I was listening to her, I could tell that she was in an intense argument with reality because reality translated that this was a situation where anyone with healthy levels of self-esteem would connect the dots and be done. This relationship had drained her of the relationship she had with herself.
It’s scary to let go.
It’s scary to accept that a person you thought you knew is beyond resuscitation.
But there comes a point where you need to have some limits, implement boundaries, and acknowledge reality and truth as the allies that they are. Reality and truth are the only direct, one-way tickets to getting to the land of acceptance and indifference.
My girlfriend was disabling her ability to accept by choosing to prosecute and question everything that she had already witnessed with her own two eyes.
And that’s the thing… if you’re hitting a wall when trying to move on from heartbreak, it’s because you are arguing with reality, with what is. There’s no need to get out a power tool and try to break through a brick wall.
You need to view the closure you never got, as all the closure you need. Have some compassion for yourself.
You need to look at people’s patterns because their patterns always tell the truth and the truth is ALWAYS in accordance with reality.
And you can’t evolve or attract the kind of relationships you deserve without subscribing to reality.
This is how you build a life that you’re proud of, how you start to call your own relational shots, and how to create your OWN relational luck.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your breakup, please look into working with me here.
I can honestly say that Natasha, you have been the driving force that’s helped me get through my tough situation. I’m urging my friends and anyone that’s reading this to go back and read all your previous posts as they are amazing, inspiring, and empowering. Thank you so much. Everything you’ve written or said is completely genuine and true and has WORKED 100%. <3 xoxo
Thanks babe 🙂 xoxoxoxox
I’d like to second your words, Catherine. Natasha is awesome, and a true God-send!!
Nailed it!!! Thanks Natasha <3
Thank you for this. I needed this. You such a wise and beautiful soul
I keep coming back to your content, Thank you.
I feel i was used as a rebound by a guy I adored. It was harder to forgive myself. Needless to say my confidence was dented. It did however, give me the motivation to pack my 2 boys into a little caravan & travel for 3 months. I learnt to back myself, take each day as it comes & be kind to myself as well as others. People’s surprise & support of me was heartening, but the strength I have gained from turning the love inwards is insurmountable.
Keep doing what your doing Natasha, you can make a difference by being yourself & there’s no better gift
Your beautiful message (and the love that I feel behind every word) has me in tears of such gratitude and joy. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for sharing your experience which I am certain, will help countless others feel less alone in theirs.
I’m so happy the posts have helped. I live to give everything that I wish I had.
from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU – for being a part of this tribe, for your love/support, and for just being YOU.
All my love to you, soul sister. xx
Amazing as always. Something I am currently struggling with, but now have this to keeping reading when I feel “stuck.” You’re the best.
Thanks beautiful 🙂 xoxoxo
Right now, I’m in just about the worst pain. My very long term friend, more recent SO, who frequently talked about marriage and kids, just broke up with me out of the blue and hasn’t contacted me since. He said he’s just not into it any more. I’ve been so understanding, so supportive, and given the length of our friendship before this, I’ve tried to understand, but this really just knocked me out of my shoes. I’m heartbroken, and just don’t understand what’s going on. I’ve made no efforts to contact them after 4 months, and I’m not sure what else to do.About 6 months ago, they suddenly went off of all of their meds (bipolar disorder).
Anything is appreciated.
Hi babe I’m confused, did he just break up wth you or was it 4 months ago? xoxo
sorry, should have edited better. it was 4 months ago.
thanks. I’m going to keep it up and continue to not contact him. hugs! <3
Yes. Proud of you. You can do this xoxo
Again, another spot-on post!!! Your writing style is so comforting yet forces us to “man-up” and walk with our heads held high 🙂 I think the hardest thing is letting go of the illusion and jump head first into the reality of who we were actually dealing with. I’ve had my moments especially with the holidays and his “oh so happy” demeanor. But, staying on the white horse is how I’m reclaiming my power. I can’t wait for these feelings to turn into indifference. I’m turning your wisdom into my strength. Thanks doll!
Thank you so much for your comment and for your love. It means everything to me. I love what you wrote: “I think the hardest thing is letting go of the illusion and jump head first into the reality of who we were actually dealing with.”- SO true!!
You go girl. Stay on that white horse and know that you’re never alone, I’m always here. Indifference will come and your strength has been there all along 🙂 You are so sweet, thanks from the bottom of my heart.
I’m writing a good “reminder” post before Christmas on how to deal, heal and get through it. I know how hard it is. You’ve got this though and you’ve got me. Thanks babe! xoxoxoxo
I cannot wait for that one! Thanks for putting things into perspective, love. We all appreciate you and your wise insight! xoxoxo
Right back at you beautiful xoxoxoxox
Brilliant! My fave parts:
I’ve tried everything to facilitate acceptance and moving on, and I mean everything. If someone told me that I could reach acceptance and moving on by baptizing myself with cat pee and giving myself a televised enema of sand while reciting the alphabet in Chinese, I probably would have done it in a heartbeat. [YESSSS!]
This is where I come to be reminded that I am perfectly normal, capable, and more importantly not alone. Reading your posts helps me realize how far I’ve come from the early cyber stalker days to now practicing gratitude. You have been a serious part of that journey. When I have the occasional back slide moment, this right here is an anchor.
I’m all smiles over here 🙂 Your comment meant so much to me, thank YOU. I’m so proud of you and I appreciate you, value you and am honored to have been a small part in your journey. I did nothing but hold a mirror up to you… and the reflection is beautiful 🙂 Glad that you can now see it and everything that you have to be grateful for xoxoxoxo All my love to you and thank you again Dee! You made my day.
Girl, you need to write a book.
Can’t tell you how much that means to me. I’m on it 😉
Thanks beautiful xoxoxo
This blog is one of the best blogs I ever seen on any topic – it’s so helping me through this break up. It’s giving me strength in those moments I want to email him ( i deleted his number).
It’s only been 5 days so I’m going through it and very raw. I’m reading everything. Sometimes I get tripped up because even though he is definitely an emotionally unavailable person he doesn’t fit the entire profile -he was loyal to an extent – because he didn’t cheat but he was secretive and had a lot of what I called “hanger-ons” women that he kept in contact with via email/skype (and two of them he slept with previously but they freaked when they learned about his inability to love) he called them friends and he was honest about them.
See he is tricky because he will admit he is not emotionally available and call himself honest -but yet referred to our relationship romantic and we did all the boyfriend/girlfriend things of spending every weekend together – we went to Croatia together – he never every treated me though to anything everything was always 50/50 (to the cent) and he wasn’t consistent with holding a door or unlocking his car door and would say he believed in equality but then would sometimes say some sexist shit.
He admits he is selfish and he is a total control freak and a bit OCD – he also doesn’t drink or do drugs because he did in high school and now considers himself a recovering alcoholic and gives himself pats on the back for not drinking since experimenting with alcohol in high school and considers himself an addict and that his recovery was a major triumphs not belittling it but most people experiment with alcohol/drugs in high school -However I’m willing to accept there is more to the story then he tells me but there is still something red flagish about it. Something else happened to him when he was young too he was violated but he said he disn’t consider himself a victim. Sometimes he would say misogynist things and I would link it to this situation and let it go- This guy has issues for days and red flags all over the place but he was also so charming, intelligent and sexy.
Anyway I keep thinking I bailed on him that I failed to help heal this person with love and acceptance that the way it ended is my fault and that if I was able to deal with after a year and half of him calling me his friend in one breath and that we have a romantic relationship in the next and saying he doesn’t love me but he likes me and I’m fun and this is light not heavy -if I was able to deal with that we could keep going and that everything would be fine. But it wasn’t fine because it made me feel like he didn’t value anything I had to offer all the love time, and things I would do for him. When I would confront him or ask him why he was being cold and shutting me out he never would take responsibility for anything and would get really defensive and volatile if confronted and then would say “that is just how I am how I will always be.” But why do I feel like I failed him?
Hi Eva! Thanks for reading 🙂
You said it best yourself ” This guy has issues for days and red flags all over the place..” I could not agree more.
You feel like you failed him, because you’re absorbing all of the blame, taking ownership of his behavior and tying your worth on his actions/inactions. I’m writing a post on this very topic that will be up tomorrow. xoxo
Excellent! Looking forward to it! I’m trying to understand why I’m in a place where I need validation so badly from such a piece of crap. 2016 is going to be about RADICAL self love and learning to love myself so fiercely that I never EVER put myself through this shit again. I don’t even want to date or be intimate with anyone for awhile… it’s NOT worth it. Anyway looking forward to your post you are an aMaZinG writer and excellent source of inspiration during a really eye opening time. Thanks!
Thank YOU beautiful! :)) xo
Hi Eva, I was reading your story and it kind of reminds my life with my ex. I hope you are doing better. We can communicate for support if you like. You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
This article I think exemplifies the relationship with my ex. We are seperated for almost a month now and I’m having a really hard time but I think I’ve started accepting the reality of what it actually was. As you mentioned in one of your other articles he was the emotional available, trustworthy guy just for a ”hot moment” in the beginning. I got so attached to the idea that I started making so many excuses and made so many attempts to communicate my problem with him for a year that I completely destroyed myself emotionally. I couldn’t find the strenght to quit the relationship so in the end he did. I feel as If i wasn’t enough as if there will be another girl who will understand him better a girl with confidence who won’t turn in a scared, sad rabbit whenever he acts inappropriate. Although he is 27 he is extremely dependant on the opinion of his parrents and practically everything started going down the moment they told him they don’t accept a relationship with me. He was so deeply affected by what they said and for the next year he was giving me a really hard time cuz everything i did and all the problems we had were just another proof that we are not meant to be and a proof that his parents are right. I tried so hard but he was emotionally unavailable ever since and in the end he told me there is no ‘love in our relationship. I blame myself because who would love a woman with no boundaries, no rules, that is willing to change everything about herself and cry over everything he does instead of get angry and end this nightmare..
Also thank you for your blog, its really giving me comfort, I don’t feel alone anymore I felt for so long as If im half-women for not being able to open up this man emotionally ..
I’m so sorry that you are going through this and I know how you feel. You are not alone. You have such a high level of self awareness which will help propel you out of this. Thank you for the love. Keep coming back here to the blog and just know that you’re never alone xoxo
I’m so late but I just wanted to say a huge thanks for this post and all of the posts you have on here. I am fresh out of an extremely unhealthy relationship with a boy who couldnt make his mind up between me and another girl for over four years – except that now that I have begun the process of accepting reality and moving on, I can see it was always her he was going to go back to, and I was just his little secret he didnt want to commit to, yet would go to great lengths to keep me around like he loved me (God knows why anyone would do this – but I dont care about “why” anymore).
Its been a week since I ended things for good, and I am still waiting for the dust to settle, because although I’ve blocked him off all social media, we have so many mutual friends who have let it slip some of the things he’s done/posted/whatever now that I’m not watching. I have to say it all really, really hurts. But this blog gives me a whole lot of hope and I come right back here whenever I feel myself about to do something that’ll worsen the pain – (why the hell do we do that anyway?) I know I let so much bullshit slip for this guy: I compromised my feelings and kept my mouth shut on so many occasions where I should’ve demanded respect (at the very least) out of fear of upsetting and then losing him (…to her). It was a horrible mixture of jealousy, insecurity, obsession and anxiety that I’ve suppressed, gotten used to and carried around with me for four years…. But your writing makes me feel like such mistakes are not to be ashamed of, and that’s a huge step forward for me. I just can’t wait for the pain to subside, to feel 100% back on my feet again, and to have enough confidence in who I am to have zero tolerance for anyone who might try to degrade me like that again.
Again thank you so much, and I dont know how long it’s been since the last time you were hurt similarly in a relationship, but I hope you’ve found happiness!
What a sweet message. You brought me to tears. Thank you so much for the love, the support and for sharing your experiences. Those mistakes are definitely not anything to be ashamed of and you are so not alone in your pain, anxieties, feelings and fears. You have such an acute sense of awareness and are such a kind, wise, strong, capable and beautiful soul. The pain WILL subside, I promise you. You’re doing the right thing by coming back here to the blog. We do things to worsen the pain because we are more comfortable in a state of fear, pain and insecurity than we are in a state of peace. I know because I’ve definitely been there. You will get past this, I promise.
Thank YOU Louana. I have thankfully found happiness 🙂
All my love to you xoxoxoxoxo
I wish I discovered your articles before I texted him 70000 times to try and make him understand why I was so hurt! Forgiveness is definitely the key but it just pisses me off that he gets to walk away Scott free after hurting me and not taking any responsibility for it!
Thanks again for a great article xxxx
Thanks so much Helen. I know how frustrating it is xxxxx
I habe been reading your words of wisdom and they have helped me as much as anything else can these days. I am trying (for the millionth time in five years) to let go of a relationship with someone who strung me along, cheated on me, and yet someone who I gave control over my heart. Everytime I make progress, he comes around, telling me he love me more than life itself, then becomes indifferent upon my reception. Idk..its crippling me, Im a full time student, with a full time job and two amazing little girls (6 and 7, not his).. I have a history of needing validation since childhood (i was a victim of continued abuse) and know I am the one to blame here. I just want to be happy…but Ive been so stupid.
Hi Cynthia! Thanks for reading. I understand your pain. You’re not alone <3 Keep coming back here to the blog, stay in reality, and keep the focus on you and your beautiful girls that are lucky enough to be the only 2 people in this word that can call you "Mom." All my love to you XOXO
I have been reading & reading almost every article on this site like its a bible. These post are so uplifting.
My ex and I broke up a couple weeks ago and were good friends before our two year relationship. Overall a very great guy but anytime anything went wrong in his life our relationship got thrown under the bus. He left me feeling in the grey area multiple times then once he snapped out of it he would apologize and say everything I wanted to hear to validate he was in this relationship 100%. Fast forward to us now not being together because now he doesn’t know who he is and he needs time to focus on himself. Sad part is he contradicted himself the entire breakup by saying things like, “It’s not that I 100% don’t want to be with you, I just want to be alone more”, or “I am probably going to regret this”. I am now working on myself and putting me first to figure out what I truly want in a relationship. Also I am learning that he wont be able to offer me the closure that I need, that I can only look into myself for that. Your site is helping me so much. Seriously, thank you!
Thank YOU Lane! Thx for your love, support and for sharing. All my love to you soul sister 🙂
It’s xmas eve and I’m soaking in my tub w a tall glass of wine reading this blog and deleting old photos of us. It’s been 3 weeks since our split and almost 9 years to the day since the beginning of this roller coaster from hell that I used to call a relationship. I invested so much of my time, energy, love and even money into him and this relationship. I put my entire self in and what I got in return is hurt, pain and anger. If it weren’t for the son we share Id feel as though the last 9 years were a complete waste. Lied to, cheated on, manipulated into thinking it was me who had the issue; and the sad part is I saw this final heartbreak (the last of many!)coming a mile away. whenever I’m feeling particularly low I come and read the posts on this blog and they really do help. I’m looking forward to moving on, to letting go, but some days it seems impossible. It’s good to know that I’m not alone and that there’s some honest advice here to turn to. Thanks for your insight.
You go girl. I’m honored to have played a part in your healing and realizations. You’re not alone – you are loved, supported, backed and believed in. Thank you for being a part of this tribe and for your love, sisterhood and support. XOXO
I love what you wrote. I am struggling in the worst way. We were together for 21+ years, have 2 beautiful girls but broke up 6 years ago. We had remained very close friends and even went on family vacations. He called me his best friend and we spoke almost every day. That ended as soon he got involved with his friends wife (that’s another story). She is in the process of getting a divorce and they spend every possible moment together. They will probably be moving in together soon. When they got “serious” he basically stopped talking to me except when it involved our children. I am so emotionally drained right now and haven’t been functioning to the best of my ability. I’m not sure why I’m having such a difficult time with this, it was unrealistic to think that he would be single forever. Sometimes I wonder if I was holding on to the hope he would one day want to be back with his family. Regardless, it still hurts terribly. Because of our children, we see each other at least 1 time a week. I am still in shock that he is willing to lose my friendship because of this relationship – things have changed so drastically and my road to acceptance has not been a smooth ride. Do you have any suggestions on how I can get past this unexpected change in our relationship and learn acceptance, so that I can try and be happy again?
I wish that I could answer your questions, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give specific advice/answers in the comments.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested.
All my love to you soul sister.
You’re not alone XOXO
I hope you still are not in the same emotional abusive relationship. Because doing the same thing is the definition of insanity..I was in the same road…People don’t change..And u teach them how to treat you by what you accept. Sometimes it’s better to be alone..
XOXO loving the sisterhood.
Your website has always been so helpful for me. Recently, my boyfriend and I have broken up because he said his head isn’t in it. He has always put me on the back burner and has never shown up or been there for me when i needed him to be. He always said he loved me but he never really showed it. He never wanted to go on dates, he didn’t want to take me to hang out with him and his friends. He would get extremely drunk and say hurtful things to me and he was also very critical of me. But at the same time, like you said, we had our happy moments and I am struggling to let go of the hopes i had for us and the way I wanted him to be or hoped he would become.
Thank you so much for sharing Alyssa and for being a part of this tribe. You are never alone and if I can get through it, SO.CAN.YOU.
You got this and you got me + everyone here loving and rooting you on always. xox
I recently had quite the setback after I had been pushing forward from my breakup, but I’ve realized that I was never fully moving on even in no contact. I am still trying to figure out where to start and your blog is the only thing that has been getting me through these days. Even after following your blog for a year and a half, there are days I feel like I’ve got it all figured out then the next I’m completely lost. I am so grateful to know I’m not alone in this.