If you’ve gotten to the point where you’re desperate to figure out how to stop being insecure in your relationships, it’s probably because on some level, you can see that your insecurities are ruining your life.
This is part one of a two-part series that I’m writing on insecurity. This first post is about how to stop being insecure in your relationships and the next post will cover how to stop being insecure with yourself – your looks, your life, your beliefs, etc.
I’ve been insecure my entire life. I don’t remember one time in my childhood where I ever felt confident, accepted, or like I was worthy of fitting in. I never felt emotionally safe to be myself or secure in relationships. If the lack of confidence wasn’t enough, I had crippling anxiety (and would sweat and shake profusely), due to the uncertainty that I always felt about myself, my relationships, and my life in general.
When I faced problems in my relationships, I never knew if it was me or if it was the other person that was in the wrong, but I always ended up blaming myself. I had no clue how to stop being insecure and put an end to my bad relational luck and the predictable merry-go-round my life had become.
Today, I am not only off of that miserable ride, but I feel secure in my relationships with others. I no longer feel like expressing myself and being who I am is a risk that could make the other person emotional and/or physically abandon me.
How did I finally figure out how to stop being insecure in my relationships?
Here’s what I’ve learned…
I have felt insecure in every single one of my relationships. Even today in my relationship, I’ll feel insecure at times (it’s totally normal), but here’s the difference:
My insecurities are now fleeting instead of crippling because the relationship I am in proves those insecurities wrong.
Today, if I find myself feeling insecure in my relationship, I can work with it, feel safe to express it, learn, and move on from it.
Yes, your insecurities are very powerful and can definitely sabotage the relationships that you have with others and with yourself. But when it comes to how to stop being insecure in relationships, keep this in mind…
Your insecurities alone do not (nor will they ever) have the power to:
- Make someone lie to you.
- Make someone dishonor you.
- Make someone abuse you.
- Make someone mix signals and yank your chain.
- Make someone two-time you.
- Make someone ghost you.
- Make someone cheat on you.
- Make someone disrespect you.
If your insecurities had the kind of power that they could make your friends, romantic partner, and family members turn into complete pieces of sh*t just upon being exposed to them, you would not be reading this post right now. You would be having your insecurities studied at top research centers.
YES, my insecurities negatively affected (and destroyed) many of my relationships but they did not make anyone abandon their relational moral code, decency, humanity, and honesty.
I truly thought that if I met the right guy, all of my insecurities would cease to exist.
When you think and operate like this, it does nothing but set you up for attracting (and being attracted to) people who end up reflecting your insecurities. The relationships we have with others will always reflect the relationship that we have with ourselves.
If you are insecure with yourself, you will always be insecure in your relationships.
When you have control over your emotional triggers, feel confident as a result, and because of this, have security within…
Your self-esteem will be unshakeable because your self-love will be unconditional.
You will always feel safe and secure because you will be complete – instead of a needy and broken, circumstantial victim who looks like the main character in “The Missing Piece.” (one of my favorite books).
Ditch the Jerry Maguire “you complete me,” mantra and first get to a place where you feel complete – Independent of a relationship. You will be irresistible to real, right, and substantial people. And you will become repellent to those who pedestal superficiality because it’s all they will ever have to rely on.
Stop equating the inconsistent rollercoaster of how you’ve defined “passion” with feeling insecure. Stop romanticizing insecurity. It’s not cute or healthy.
Feeling insecure is something that we ALL experience – no matter what age, gender, orientation, or stage in life. Taking ownership of other people’s dysfunction will never be what insecurity is about.
So, when you feel those normal feelings of insecurity, just know that there is something you can do about it.
If you’ve been lied to, if you’ve repeatedly forgiven (and still keep getting hurt), if you keep sleeping with him/her and they continue to be shady and text their ex, etc… YEAH, I’d be insecure too.
The only difference is that now when my insecurities are triggered, it motivates me to communicate – instead of under the rug brushing and turning into a “please choose me” puppy at the pound.
And if nothing can be accomplished after I clearly, kindly, and respectfully communicate how I feel or, if I’m made to feel terrible for being vulnerable…
I speak with my actions and let my absence do the talking.
Written by: Natasha Adamo