I cringe when I think about the amount of time I’ve wasted in my life, obsessing and humiliating myself on an endless quest for validation. Trying to figure out how to stop seeking validation was always impossible for me. No matter what age or stage, there was always someone who I was convinced, if I just worked a little harder and gave a little more, I’d get a validation crumb from. This crumb would not only save me from myself, but it would invalidate everyone and everything that had ever caused me pain (including the cynical audience in my head). Life could finally begin.
Validation seeking is a form of perfectionism and perfection is the worst standard that you can ever hold yourself to. We become perfection-addicted because deep down, we know that we can never be perfect. And because we know that we are holding ourselves to an unachievable standard, we become avoidant; scared to face ourselves and the time that we’ve wasted.
So what do we do? We further invest in the bullsh*t mindset of:
“Must win. Must be chosen. Must prove wrong. Must be the exception to a toxic person’s rule. Must get the cat to bark.”
The same goes for validation seeking.
Just like perfectionism, seeking validation will rob you of the ability to process your past, live in the now, and experience what is destined for you in the future.
When you live your life exclusively based on a force outside of your control (the opinions of others), you give up your right to take action, attract mutual, available relationships, and find meaning within. You willingly commit emotional suicide.
And by acquiescing to a life of the walking dead, you’re then unable to truly “live,” until resurrected through the validation of a toxic person.
I used to be dependent on both positive and negative validation to take ANY action in my life. I needed the validation of lovers and friends to propel me into action as well as the validation of the doubters and haters to propel me into proving them wrong.
The end result was eventually devolving into someone who was all talk, plans, ideas, hopes, dreams… and that’s about it. I didn’t know how to stop seeking validation and because of that, I completely lost my innate ability to execute.
Plans, ideas, hopes, and dreams are GREAT, but without the propellant of execution, its all hot air. You’re left with nothing but the anchor of your excuses.
I was the most reliant on validation in my romantic relationships. And because I never got more than a crumb from my emotionally and empathetically bankrupt partner, I relied heavily on negative validation in the form of snooping and investigating.
Looking back, I think I would snoop with the subconscious hope of finding something that would hurt me enough to make me work/try even harder in the relationship (and beat myself up more when I couldn’t be “enough” for them to change/commit/be honest with me).
Once the breakup ensued, my need for validation didn’t end with the relationship.
It somehow got worse.
Because I never felt valid in the relationship, I made it my mission to attain that well-deserved validation now that we were broken up. It took me years to realize that you can’t expect someone to behave a certain way (connected, empathetic, honest, respectful, reasonable) outside of a relationship with you, that they could never consistently be in the relationship with you.
And because I didn’t know how to stop seeking validation, I NEEDED my ex to provide validation for me after the breakup in the form of…
- Realizing and admitting that he dropped the ball.
- Understanding how deeply he hurt me (and the “consequences” of such).
- Admitting to all of his issues.
- Acknowledging what I couldn’t even recognize in myself: that he had f*cked it up with an amazing and irreplaceable person.
- Come running back and beg for a second chance the moment that I cut him off.
- Giving me an emotional gold star for itemizing how much he had put me through.
- Recognizing his mistakes and then making more future-fakey false promises.
- Giving me the closure I deserved.
- After a “long talk,” combusting into the realization that I’m “The One” and that he could never do better.
None of the above ever happened. The only thing that occurred as a result of (pathetically) seeking this kind of validation was a complete disintegration of my self-respect (and a valid excuse for my ex to victimize himself and write me off as certifiable).
Reading the above bullet points exhausts and embarrasses me. It’s one thing to have a talk and express your feelings, but when it gets to the point that you’re trying to get a grown adult to acknowledge why something that was hurtful was indeed hurtful… that’s not only unattractive, but it’s also a red flag.
Everyone needs boundaries, standards, and limits. I had NONE.
I encountered this in friendships as well. It was a hamster wheel of “please choose me… please tell me that I’m enough… that I’m worth fighting for… that I’m worth inviting/calling/texting/remembering… that I’m special enough to be your best friend, etc.”
And because I didn’t know how to stop seeking validation, I didn’t realize how easy I was making it for others to walk away from me (and never look back).
I kept attracting situations that catered to my fear of abandonment and solidified the belief that I was forgettable.
Here’s how to stop seeking validation for good so that you can live an extraordinary life on your own terms.
Today, I no longer validation seek. And I don’t care to snoop or investigate whomever I’m with because I’m too busy enjoying them and our relationship.
Remember: You will always attract what you exude.
I finally got an emotional life of my own. And because I can now take care of my own emotional needs and validate myself, I no longer need anyone to tell me who I am or give me an assessment of my worth.
I don’t care about or engage in competing with an ex or with other women. I stay in my own lane, on my own white horse, and because of that, am able to appreciate people for the lessons and light amplifiers/dimmers that they unfold to be.
I no longer prioritize being seen, being heard, being right, “winning,” being the “gotcha!” police, and having the last word. I don’t have to worry anymore about insuring a slot (at the expense of my dignity), in “The One That Got Away” zone. When you have the ability to validate yourself, you become The One That Got Away by default.
I’ve let go of expectations from others and because of that, have raised the ones that I have for myself. Validation from outside sources is no longer enticing. Integrity and dignity have now been replaced by what used to be a bottomless pit of insecurity and hunger for a reminder that I wasn’t as invisible as I felt.
I’m no longer game for being anyone’s emotional training wheels because I don’t make everything about me and my perceived lack of value. Everything is so much less painful, dramatic, and all the concerted effort I used to have to make is now effortless because I’m not relying on anyone else’s compass anymore. I gained access back to my own.
And if I can go from batsh*t to balanced, so.can.YOU.
How to stop seeking validation: STEP #1: Don’t expect to be healed.
If you’re finding it difficult to stop obsessing about your relationship and move on, it’s generally because you’re seeking validation. You want the other person to validate you by expressing that they understand things from your perspective; that they feel your pain, know where they went wrong, and what they’ve subsequently lost. Neil Strauss said something to me a once that changed my life. He said, “you can’t expect the same person that wounded you to heal you.”
Save yourself the emotional currency and understand that if someone had the capacity to disregard you, hurt you, and lie to you… They will never have the magic potion to heal the wounds that they inflicted. Guess who the only person is that has that power? YOU. You are the only one who knows it all – all of your secrets, failures, experiences, triggers, fears, shortcomings, etc. and guess what?… You’re STILL here, right by your own side. If that’s not what constitutes the most badass validation, I don’t know what does. Just because it’s been subconscious, doesn’t mean that it does not deserve to be recognized. No one will heal you more or better than you can heal yourself, right now. It’s one decision away.
How to stop seeking validation STEP #2: Stop expecting them to “get it,” and acknowledge the pure GOLD that’s right in front of you.
Understand that if your partner is failing to validate your pain, respect your boundaries, and understand how they hurt you, you’re dealing with someone who is empathetically bankrupt and most likely, a narcissist. And there’s nothing you can do about that because they had this emotional handicap before you came into the picture.
If you claim to feel so powerless after the breakup that you need validation from your ex, it gets to a point where you need to ask yourself, “why do I feel as though I’m THAT POWERFUL, that the moment someone leaves my presence, they resurrect from the emotional dead and become a connected, respectful and empathetic individual?”Instead of imposing further self-blame for not being able to get a cat to bark, look at the PURE GOLD that’s right in front of you: this person is giving you the ultimate gift. They are showing you who they are.
How to stop seeking validation STEP #3: Know what you DON’T need.
Stop being so concerned with what you’ve convinced yourself that you need (validation), and start identifying what you DON’T need. I wish someone would have sat me down and told me this 15 years ago: You don’t need ANYONE to validate what you ALREADY KNOW.
Yes, being empathized with and acknowledged is great, but if you don’t know how to validate your own intuition, values, morals, beliefs, gut feelings and perception, you’ll forever be at the mercy of and dependent on the unreliability of another person’s compass. If you know that what someone did was hurtful, wrong, disrespectful and unkind, WHY do you need the other person to validate YOUR judgment? YOU know and that’s enough. If you know that you’ve been treated terribly and the other person can’t recognize it, what’s the point in wasting your time even more?
How to stop seeking validation STEP #4: Clean up the contradictions.
If you’re looking for someone to validate you that, through their actions, has INVALIDATED you… wtf are you doing? This is illogical! Speak with your actions, pick up the pieces of your broken heart, and move on.
The short-term pain WILL hurt, but it WILL pass. Why trade it for the long-term agony of fracturing your dignity (and setting yourself up for more “please validate me” relationships)?
How to stop seeking validation STEP #5: Know what it really means.
The only reason that I ever needed validation from a lover, an ex or friend was because I placed no value on my own judgment, intuition, opinions, and feelings.
And because I was coming from a place of emotional and spiritual bankruptcy, I placed all of my value on getting the empathetically impaired to empathize with and validate the position of the very things that they had broken: my trust and my heart.
Sometimes you just need to accept the loss, give yourself a hug, and do something that you’ve never been able to do: use your pain as propellant and ACT, by putting one foot in front of the other. Wipe the memories from your eyes as they stream down your face, have your own back, hold into your dignity for dear life.
It WILL get better and you are already getting stronger with every step.
Yes, you will grieve, YES, it’s a death, YES it’s painful as hell, but it’s nowhere near as painful as the pseudo comfort that you extract from the familiarity of your own abandonment, rejection, and misery.
You are so much more than the pain of your childhood, the pain of your past, and the triggers that have you convinced, you need to be “good enough,” for the INVALIDATOR to somehow VALIDATE you.
Maintain your boundaries and rely on the knowingness of the respect that ACTING on those boundaries garners.
Make a decision and respect that decision by acting on it. Water the seed of your decision with commitment – instead of second-guessing the sh*t out of it and living in the land of convenient, f*ck buddy limbo. You’re better than that.
Yeah, it’s hard but if you do the work, you’ll start to see the benefits. You’ll be happier, less frantic, and at PEACE. You’ll see the other person for who they are and you’ll start to see you for who you TRULY are: someone who can get back up in spite of being knocked to the ground.
Toss the instant gratification entitlement crap and do the one that you KNOW will reward you in spades for the rest of your life – dignifiedly act.
And THAT my friends, is how you build the kind of confidence, allure, and dimension that supersedes ANY physical attribute (which will always, fade with time). Your strength and beauty are timeless.
This is how to stop seeking validation and live life on your terms.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.
Natasha, thank you so much for the words of wisdom and encouragement. I can’t even explain how much this post helped me. Every post is life changing.
Natasha, I was going throw a hard breakup and this blog helped me to stand on my feet, I even saw my ex by excdient couple days ago and because of this blog I was strong enough to not even say hi (I was in another point one year ago). I’m blessed to find this blog.
You’re my inspiration, my guru! I’m so happy and blessed to be a part of this tribe.
Thank you sister 🙂 XOXO
You’re pure gold.
Right back at you! 🙂 xx
Wow, I definitely got goosebumps reading this. It really hit home. We put so much energy into morphing into being “good enough” for someone who isn’t worth even a second thought. Imagine if we expend that on ourselves, so untouchable and so badass. Perfect post Natasha!
You look gorge!
Hi Bria! I couldn’t agree more. SO happy that the post served you 🙂 Thanks beautiful! XO
THIS. I finally cut him off and i know this time is for good and i feel so much better, stronger, empowered. so now i just have to stop beating myself up for not doing it months ago. but the old me would’ve hung around for years, so at least i see improvement. Thanks, Natasha! i look forward to your posts!!
Hi Lori! I’m honored to have helped 🙂 You are loved, believed in and EVOLVING. No more stagnation. I’m behind you 1000%. Sending you so much love. XO
This is on point. Perfectionism and validation is a b*tch! This self denigrating things you will do to yourself for approval. Thank you so much.
Thank you for your kindness, love, and support, Keena. And thank you for being a part of this tribe 🙂 xo
Every time I get a notification in my email about a new post I quickly come and read! I have been following your blog since October 2016 and I can tell you today I have done a complete 360. You have saved me days, weeks, and months of misery by helping me get back on my feet and continue to pull through. There were days where I would come to the blog multiple times and re-read several posts to help me feel better and stop the crying. Thanks to your relatable words and watching you live your life gave, you gave me hope that the pain would pass. And I can say today that I am glad I loved & lost. I lost someone who didn’t love or care for me, but I found myself. Self-Love is amazing. Can’t wait for your book!
Andrea, I can’t put into words how much this meant to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart <3 You are loved, looked up to and believed in. I am in awe of the light that you are. You're incredible 🙂 Thank you for your love, sisterhood and support. LOVE to you soul sis. x
Love you Natasha! <3 This was so good and I hope one day I'll also run out of f*cks to give and stop asking for validation from other people.
Reading your blog has helped me so much these last 7 months after the breakup with my ex. I'm in a more happy place now and actually got mutual loving relationship with my new bf.
I'm so gratefull for everything you've shared!
I love you too Mishaell! <3
YAAAA! That makes me so happy to hear! You deserve it ALL.
So happy that the post served you 🙂 xoxo
I feel so stupid for being in another relatiosh*t. I thought my new bf was so sweet and everything I wished for, but I see now that he is just as emotional unavailable as my ex. He was so sweet in the beginning, but just like mye ex he has showed who he is over time. He has actually ignored me for a week now, and I know that I have to let him go.
Reading your posts are really helping with reminding me that I have to keep my boundaries and love my self. And I know that next time I will not ignore any red flag and actually be sure that the person I’m dating is emotionally available!
Hi Mishaell! I’m so happy that the posts have helped. Don’t be hard on yourself; I’ve been there countless times. Just keep coming back here to the blog and know that you are loved, supported and never alone. Sending you so much love. XOXO
Reading this , made me feel so much better
Thank you so much
YAYYY! Thanks Lea 🙂 I’m honored to have helped. XOXO
As always, your blog hits home. Thank you for being so amazing and authentic….it always helps
Thanks sister! 🙂 You’re the amazing one. XOXO
You are pure gold! Thanks for all you do. Your blogs are amazing and have really helped!xoxo
DITTO! Thanks Courtney 🙂 I’m happy to help! XOXO
He Natasha 🙂
Thank you so much for this wonderful post!! All these days I was creating scenarios in my head where I would end up doing something amazing and rub it in my exes’ face. But when I read this.. I realized that I wasn’t doing anything constructive …only wasting my time. So much of stress just because I needed someone to validate me! Now I realize that even going through so much of stuff and still being alive and smiling is indeed a trait of strength. Thank you so much for making me understand this…I have moved a few steps forward towards peace.
Lots of love :*
YAY! That makes me so happy to hear 🙂 I’m honored to have helped and so happy that you’re a part of this tribe. Love to you soul sis <3 xoxo
Just when I think you can’t outdo yourself… you do. Every time. Xo
Thanks sister 🙂 XOXO
Such a beautiful and insightful read! I’ve been dealing with sadness and feelings of what’s wrong with me for months after a break-up. This left me feeling more empowered. Why should I be sitting around wondering why he won’t take the time to see me or ask how I am, but continues to like practically every instagram photo I post. It’s like he’s reaching out, but he’s not. Social media and break ups are the worst. Thank you for your wise words. 🙂
Hi Karlee! I’m so happy that the post served you 🙂 Don’t mistake chain yanking as anything other than just that. You GOT this and we are ALL behind you 1000%. Sending you lots of love. XOXO
Hi Natasha, another fantastic blog that hits home as always. Four months of so much emotional pain and a life time of lack of self worth/boundaries and feeling there was no way forward from my relationsh*t break up was saved the day I found you and I am trying to stay in my own lane with a compass in my hand thanks to you. I’ve stopped expecting the same person that wounded me to heal me. Only we can do that for ourselves. Actions really do speak louder than words and I am definitely back on my white horse (most of the time :-;) speaking with the greatest response you can give to a fuc*ktard…no response..nada, silence……
I’ve got my back now and I’m going about my business working on all the things we discussed in our one to one’s (By the way everyone, those two sessions seriously just saved my ass and I cant recommend them enough). I no longer want or need that cat to bark!
So much love to you and everything you’ve done for me and us, you are an inspiration.
Hi Marie!! I’m in tears! Thank you so much <3 I couldn't be more proud of or happier for you sister. Love you so much and am forever grateful to the f*cktards that caused you pain because they ultimately lead us to meet. You're an inspiration to me Marie. You're incredible. Love you sister. XOXO
You have put into words, what I have been grappling with for years. Thank you. Now I have a place to start.
Hi Michelle! I’m truly honored to help. Thank you for allowing me to feel less alone in something that I struggled with for far too long. Sending you so much love. You got this! XOXO
I reread this many times. And when you think of it, men always seem to do just whatever they want. Time to treat ourselves with that same consideration.
Many Blessings!!! And thank you for share all your knowledge and experience!!! ???
Happy to help 🙂 Thanks Diana! XO
The situation is exactly what’s happening to me… Thank you VERY much, Natasha. I’m blessed to have found your blog. Love from Indonesia ?
Thank YOU Handina! I’m blessed to have you as a part of this tribe 🙂 You’re incredible. I hope to visit Indonesia one day and give you a big hug in person! All my love to you soul sister. XOXO
I’ve been seeing a Life Coach for what I thought was complacency in my business and life. I’m a 52 yr old man whose been married for 29 years and has a16 year old adopted daughter. In the process of meeting with my coach I opened up about being sexually abused by my uncle. I think I was about 8 years old. It only stopped because I saw him with my little sister. I told my parents. My dad beat him up and my mom cried. It seemed like my mom cried more for him than for my sister and me. Here I am more than 40 years later still seeking validation from my parents.
They are selfish people and I’ve been trying to change them for years. I now know that will never happen. I’ve robbed myself with years of self worth and growth.
I have a successful business, great wife and a fantastic daughter. While a lot of people see my successes, I wonder how much more I could have given by not seeking validation.
It’s never too late. I’m healthier and wiser than I’ve ever been. I believe the next 50 years will be magical.
Thanks for your article. I think it was more for women being burned by a relationship, but I was led to it by the universe. I appreciate your words and the love you share with the world.
Michael, I’m crying my eyes out. Although seemingly geared toward women, the subject matter of what I write about does not discriminate against age, gender, race, wisdom, orientation, socioeconomic status, etc. My work is for any and everyone who knows pain, suffering, destructive patterns and wants a way out. You have not been through pain in your life. You’ve been through spiritual murder and the fact that you’re not only still standing, but have the courage, awareness and evolutionary pull to so bravely share your story… All I can say is that the universe has your back beyond what you could ever believe. In a way, I am thankful to everyone who caused you pain, because it ultimately lead you here. You are my hero. You’re a f*cking warrior and I look up to you more than my words will ever be able to articulate. What you’ve been through builds emotional muscle like you wouldn’t believe. There isn’t a damn thing that you can’t get through. Now you can see clearly. Don’t focus on the time wasted; focus on the fact that you finally get to LIVE. On YOUR terms. Your wife and daughter are lucky to have you. Keep coming back here to the blog.
You are loved, understood, supported and never, ever alone.
Thank you Natasha. Like everyone else reading this blog, I can’t tell you how much this helps with everything. I have been struggling with self blame, giving my self a lot of grief for the way things turned out and the way the relationship ended. But reading your blog helps me separate the emotional cloudiness from the raw facts. That if I had to lower my own self worth to meet his, it was never right to start with. You’ve help me believe that walking away was the best and only choice I had. And I need to trust my own intuition. Thank you again. What you do is truly lifechanging xx
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love, support, for being a part of this tribe and for just being the light that you are. I’m honored and so happy to help 🙂 xxxx
This post is one of my favorites (I know I say that about all of them?)
But each post really hits home and opens me up to so much more realizations about myself. For the first time ever (I’m 48) I’m finally able to validate my own feelings, realizations, and instincts without needing reassurance that I’m right from someone else! It’s the best feeling and I know I’m finally on the road to building my self esteem and attracting someone good, but most importantly, creating a life I love!
Your posts are amazing! Thanks for sharing your wisdom and experiences!
YES! This is music to my ears 🙂 You are so loved and missed. Thanks Janna! XO
Just completely wonderful advice. You truly are astounding in your perspective and just make such great sense! Thank you so much Natasha, it’s a life changer. Your writing is fueling my soul. Love always.
I’m all smiles 🙂 Thank you from the bottom of my heart K.M. XOXO
It’s hard not to just repeat all these wonderful comments again, because THEY ARE ALL SO PERFECTLY SPOT ON: You are a game changer, you are PURE GOLD, you seem to have more perfectly understood the emotionally unavailable, narcissist f*cktard species than anyone else, because the way you so PERFECTLY describe them, it feels like we have all dated THE EXACT SAME GUY as you did!!! Lol … of course, we all did date different narcissists, but your game plans and how-tos to overcome the intense pain they cause is TRULY UNIQUE AND PHENOMENAL… the only way I can truly express my gratitude for your blogs is to say they are LITERALLY THE ONLY THING that gave me my joy back after “the messiest most intentionally hurtful breakup ever”… the highest compliment I can pay you is to say that after reading your blogs, I now feel as peaceful as I did before I met him.
Something that I had truly despaired I’d ever feel again.
Thank you for giving me my peace back, Natasha!!!
I am in tears ??? Thank YOU from the bottom of my heart for your love, support, and for being a part of this tribe. You’re incredible.
I am so happy to have helped. All my love to you ??
Natasha, you truly are an inspiration, your words have so much impact on me. I read your blog everyday, some posts I come back to and read again because I need reminding about certain things.
Last year I went through the most gut wrenching and painful breakup where I was not even able to function on any level for at least 4 months. I then had to heartbreakingly to watch the guy who broke my heart continue to mistreat and lie to me all the while giving everything he refused to give me to another woman. (We work together). I spent the best part of a year trying to get over him, to keep things cool at work, and to some degree trying to ‘win’ him back.
More recently, I decided to take your advice of staying on the white horse and going in total no contact. It has stopped my anxiety about if he will be nice to me or ignore me because I realised that since he selectively ignores me I can only take back my power by consistently ignoring him. I have now started to ignore him fully, not even smiling or saying hi… not to be petty or get a reaction but because it makes me feel better and I now understand that my peace is so much more important than maintaining a polite atomosphere with him which was actually hindering my healing. It was crushing being nice to someone who had so hurtfully broken my heart and discarded me like trash. It bothered me that I had to be nice to him and he was at best, polite towards me as if I were a stranger, and with a tone of ‘im being so nice by even acknowledging her existence’ attitude.
It really has worked more than anything else, I read your posts on recovering from dating a narcissist too and its shocking how much I can relate to that. It has helped so much reading your empowering words and if I ever got an insincere apology from this guy, I would use your words to shut him down! I no longer care what he is up to, or if we ever speak again. In fact I actually would prefer the latter.
It was the one year anniversary of our breakup yesterday, and I really feel like the past month I have finally started to move on and feel better. I have been following your blog for over 6 months and I am sooooo grateful that I found it at a time when I really needed it.
Thank you for being you <3
Wow ? Thank you so much for sharing, for your love, support, and for being a part of this tribe.
I’m happy that the posts have helped ?? I just came out with an in-depth audio and digital course on No Contact on my new personal site if you ever need further help http://www.natashaadamo.com
You are loved, appreciated, understood, valued, backed, believed in, and never alone ?? Thank you for sharing. Thank you for existing. xx
I don’t know if this place is for me (since I’m a guy and all), but this article helped me a lot. I’ve always lived with this idea of finding my own path and not letting anyone hold me back. Yet, rather than someone else holding me back, I’ve somehow found a way to hold myself back in a relationship. She seeks little validation from me (we both express love differently), but I feel like I need her to validate me– I find myself desperate sometimes. I went through a whole day with these rules and it was one of my best days so far this year! I will stop holding myself back from now on using these tips. Thank you so much for this.
OF COURSE, it is – you can always comment here Brian 🙂 I have many, many male readers and clients.
That makes me so happy to hear! Thanks for sharing and for being a part of this tribe!
I love you my spiritual Sister. I probably have read most of your posts and really see myself in all of them regarding narcs, sociopaths, reverse narcissism, lack of self-respect and low esteem, etc. etc., which led to the worst chapter in my life, starting in summer 2016 and ending mid-spring last year, but I sill collect pieces of my broken life and deal with the damage that particular assclown left behind.
Worse still, this fuc*tard entered my life when I was 44 (I’m 46 now), he was 30 at the time, we even shared the same date of birth (just with 14year gap) which I mistakenly saw as a God’s sign, instead of what it really was: a punishnment for all wrongdoings in all its karma glory.
As a consequence, I’ve lost nearly everything within a year, job, money, got severely addcited to different types of substances and it all went downhill, my once successful career of 26 years in journalism where I excelled, collpased and today I’m working for peanuts, happy, that my ex partner didn’t throw me out of the house. I lost all my confidence, stopped doing everything I loved, isolated myself and basically lost all my previous zest and lust for life.
In 2016 before I met this toxic guy who was chasing after me like crazy, I was full of life, soul of every party, I not only wrote articles but also had quite successfull blog on lifestyle, I was testing premium cars on the market and wrote about it, but this piece of shit sucked away ALL my energy, you name it, I experienced it all: gaslighting, drama, lousy acting, contsant lying, manipulation de luxe, douchebag behaviour, … and ultimate and final act of betrayal and dumping, which resulted in my complete breakdown.
I wasn’t even able to work anymore, I doubted mself, thought I was the guilty one…. He led me on constantly, few weeks of passion and constant affection to be followed by his withdrawing and pushing me away. Yet, he still wrote to me on Messenger every single day, few times a day, sending me kisses and writing about how he would ‘do me’ etc. It was so confusing, so many mixed signals, that I almost snapped out of my healthy mind.
I had few RS in my life, but never ever I dealt with a species like that in my past. It was alaways so obvious if the guy liked me or not. If he liked me and vice versa, we were together as a couple until beak-up. I NEVER resented any of the guy that I was involved with, or it was very temporary and brief.
But with this piece of narc shit it’s acompletely different story. He acted like I was the one and only, just to maket he final move of dumping me like a piece of garbage even more humiliating and hurtful. Is this just a generation gap? What happened with men in general? I read so many stories and blogs on Narc’s and alike, that it came to me as a big surprise, knowing that I’m not alone in my painful experience and that it’s obviously a phenomenon all over the world.
I really can’t recall that sth like this was going on in my youth or in the generation of my parents. How come? I have no clue and no explanation. But it was so consolating to read, that I wasn’t alone in my story as a victim. I also realized that I’m codependent,reverse narcissist and I have major self-esteem issues, sth I wsn’t aware of in earlier days.
People perceive me as ultra-confident and until last year’s complete breakdown they also thought very highly of me in professional area. Now I can clearly see that I was just hiding all my insecurities and abandonement issues behinf the mask, and writing was a tool for me to prove to myself to the world, I wanted to be worth of love and respect and since I had a natural gift for writing, I acchieved everything I could, just to be mercilessly destroyed by much younger guy.
Short bio on me: I was unwanted child, left in a delivery room by biological mum, my biological father never acknowledged me as his, I was in orphan institution and was severely baused later in two different foster homes. At age of 4 an elderly couple adopted me, but my adoptive father was heavy alcoholic and brutal in his punishments, mother played a role of victim. They are both still alive, but never ever showed me love or affection. I left their home with 18 as me and my (adoptive) father had big fights and I was seriously scared that one day he might have killed me with his heavy fists (he was a physical worker and strong as a bull).
We hardly have any contact now, maybe over the phone few times a year. At age of 18 I moved into a flat with my 1st boyfriend, just a year later we married and 6 months after wedding he nearly strangled me. He was a pure psychopath, I suffered a lot before I had courage and enough money to rent my appartment. He followed me and was thteathening me even after 8 years after divorce.
Still, in my heart, I forgave him. After divorce I had another RS for 2 years, guy was cheating on me constantly, we broke up. I forgave him.
Fast forward to my 3rd RS, I met a decent guy and a year before we started off as a couple, we were just friends. But the sparkle wasn’t really there and after just 3-4 years we stopped having sex alltogether. He even told me I can satisfy my urges else where if I need to.
But I didn’t, I was literally drying up for next almost 9 years, until I accidentally met this fatal guy on my friend’s BD party. His eyes were all over me, but I didn’t pay attention to him so his reequest for friendship on FB came as a surprise, I had hard time figuring out who this guy is at all.
First I ignored his messages though I accepted virtual FS, or answered very sporadically as my life was really busy. Bit by bit he started to crawl into my life more and more, with validations, compliments, virtual understanding of my complicated situation at home and in other areas. I didn’t even particularly liked him in the beginning!!!!
But he was so persistent, so charming and incredible kisser. And once I tasted his kisses, I ultimately wanted more. Sex was initially awkward but soon became so amazing, that I was speechless.
He became everything I wanted, I put him on pedestal, had fights at home with my partner that I cheated on and my life started to revolve ultimately only about fuc*tard life. He was jobless back then and had all the time in the world to write to me every day, sending me kisses for good mornings and good nights.
I fell under his spell, his limitless admiration, he sucked me more and more into his world. I even helped him to find a job, he’s an advisor to chief state prosecutor (by profession he was lawyer already before he lost his job), to shorten the story: as soon as he drained ALL my resources, energy, sex and other goodies and two month into his new job, he dropped me like a hot potato in such an obscure and disgusting manner, that I was in complete shock and denial.
Then I fell apart, got addicted, lost nearly all money and was self-destructive beyond words.
I still deal with consequences, I still deal with trying to forgive him and get over with and move on with my life.
Thanks for reading my very long story, God bless you all,
Hi Soul Sis ???? Thank you so much for sharing your story. You have no idea how many you have made feel less alone. We are all here for and with you. Love you x
O M G.
This is everything i have felt from my past relationship of 6 years. Like Natasha, this has really helped me have a much better perspective on everything I’ve questioned and kept letting bother me! You are THE 1st person who gets it, gets me rather!! I felt so alone like i was stowing because nobody understood what i was saying and how i felt, but this is the most accurate piece of literature i have read and i feel soooo relieved!! Thank you !!
Thank YOU Danielle for your love, connection, support, and for being a part of this tribe ?? and thank you for affirming that I am not/was never alone in my experiences, relationships, emotions, feelings, anxieties, and fears.
I am so happy and honored to help. All my love to you sister. xox
I didnt snoop or investigation the person I was with for nine months because I was too busy enjoying being with them and extremely happy with them until I found out there was another woman – with an engagement ring! – who didnt know about me, and I didnt know about her. I wish I had been paying more attention. My problem is I always trust too much – and the three relationships (one 23 years, one 18 years, one 9 months – all ended when I found out they were cheating. Ugh.
And by the way, Natasha’s website has done more to help me improve my life and relationships than anything else in my 60 years. I still am attractive and look much younger than I am, but I am worried I will not find anyone attractive to ME around this age before my looks are gone (and you KNOW men are attracted to looks first.) Most men my age did NOT age well….
WOW! I am so happy and honored to have helped 🙂 Thank you for being a part of this tribe. I hope to meet you in person one day soon.
So proud of and happy for you. xox
Every word of this spoke right to my heart. I’ve been grasping for why this “break-up” with a guy I never even had romantic feelings for hurt me so, so deeply—reading this, I realize it is because I have been relying EXTREMELY heavily on his attention to validate me. It’s very hard to look at this behavior in myself. But reading this gave me hope that I can become stronger, that I can learn to validate myself from the inside, despite how hard it seems from where I sit. Thank you Natasha, I’ll come back to your wise words. Wish me luck <3
We all believe in and are 100% behind you Sophia 🙂 I’m so happy and honored to have helped in ANY way. You are never alone. Love you sister and thank you for being a part of this tribe. You got this! xox
I am late for the party in here, but right now was the time when I needed to read this, that I realised what you mean, That I feel I am living this exact situation.
In a matter of fact, I feel you when you say this: “The short-term pain WILL hurt, but it WILL pass. Why trade it for the long-term agony of fracturing your dignity (and setting yourself up for more “please validate me” relationships)?”. I was talking to one of my friend these days about the exact same thing. I said “You know what? I know what I should do. I know what I have to do (in the specific quit my f*ck buddy limbo relationship going nowhere), but I am afraid. I am afraid of the big ravine that I can see in front of me, that I am destined to fall into, full of pain that I do not want to deal with. But I know after that I will be fine. It’s just that I do not have the courage to jump.”
I like your blog post because you just gave me more reasons to jump off that cliff: this temporary happiness will not lead to anything in the long term and I am really risking to wake up one day when it will be truely too late for me to get anythinbg I want in life.
So, I’ll try my best to jump and then start building my own ladder without the the validation of any other to finally live the life that I have always dreamt of.
Thank you for giving me hope.
Lots of love
I believe in you Elena ?? And I am so happy and honored to help. Love you sister. xox
“You can’t expect the same person that wounded you to heal you.” This stayed with me and I can relate to all that you’ve written. It took me a long time to realize, I was only seeking validation from everyone around me and I have to let myself heal. Thank you for writing this. Thank you,really!
Sending love ??
I’m so happy it helped 🙂 Thank YOU, Nirvana for your love and support! xox
I am experiencing a ground-shifting eureka moment — and I am so grateful to you for this epiphany. For the past decade, I have been seeking validation from a relationship that ended in 1988! Insanity, I know. I realized there was an unhealthy mutual dependency there. It was obvious that he only reached out to me when he needed an ego boost, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was that I so desperately wanted from him. In an instant, you have made it all so clear. VALIDATION! Validation that I was special. Validation that I was not easy to forget. Validation that I was “the one who got away.” Well I never got any validation from him, and I never will. But that’s okay. I see how he has discarded every other woman in his life, including two wives. Meanwhile, I have been happily married for 17 years to a man who makes me feel valued, respected and truly loved. No more looking backwards for validation. It’s all here inside of me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I have SO been there and I understand. Thank YOU so much for sharing Ann and for being a part of this tribe. Xox
I’ve immersed myself in your blog over the past few days and cannot believe how much it resonates. This is a hard process to unravel, especially with the trauma, addiction to chaos, etc., that has permeated my life for the past 2+ years. I exhale and release my tense muscles a little more every time I finish reading one of your posts.
This one is so full of aha! moments…mostly, recognizing how futile it is to expect that the next conversation (or the next) will finally satisfactorily exorcise the betrayal, residual anxiety, and disbelief I drag around with me every day. Going back to the source of the poison for another dose is nuts, yet there I was, perpetuating this cycle so he would finally understand why his behavior is so damaging. Yep – VALIDATING me.
I see now that I was sucked into a weird pain/reward/pain pattern that felt normal the longer I stayed engaged. Every day I’m removed from the push-and-pull (plus absorbing the content of your posts) helps me not only see the futility of this behavior but I can now connect the dots as to why it happened in the first place.
The final link in the chain is realizing I’m Dorothy and have had the power all along to click my heels and disappear from this warped reality. The wizard, as it turns out, is just a sad little old man with a bruised ego and delusions of grandeur. My, how I enabled this dysfunction by putting him on a pedestal and allowing the fear of losing him prevent me from seeing reality.
He had the weird relationship with the ex that you identified as a red flag in another post. I read that paragraph and thought: holy sh*t, that’s EXACTLY what was going on. He explained, deflected, justified, lied, lied some more, diminished, minimized, blame-shifted, excused, and otherwise invalidated my concerns to enable continuing parallel relationships for a who-knows-what reason and I allowed it because he was very skilled at gaslighting me into believing I was overreacting/misunderstanding/paranoid. I put on so many blinders for this asshat.
Day 8 – no contact. He is blocked everywhere and now comes the hard work of replacing incessant thoughts of him (and the regret, anger, frustration, embarrassment, the endless “why”) with more productive pursuits. Eight days may not seem like much, but after this f*cked up two-year cycle of trauma-bonded nonsense, it’s a lifetime. It feels permanent this time and I realize now that the person I want(ed) him to be doesn’t exist; therefore, contacting him – or responding to any contact he initiates – is akin to communicating with a threatening stranger.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS REBECCA!
“The final link in the chain is realizing I’m Dorothy and have had the power all along to click my heels and disappear from this warped reality. The wizard, as it turns out, is just a sad little old man with a bruised ego and delusions of grandeur. My, how I enabled this dysfunction by putting him on a pedestal and allowing the fear of losing him to prevent me from seeing reality.” – I absolutely love this and you. You go girl. XOX
Wowzers! Thank you for writing this article. It came at exactly the right time. Two days till the divorce and I was still craving his validation. I’m seeing myself so much more clearly now. Thank you! I’ve got my back and I’m moving the fuck on!!!
Blessings to you, ❤️??❤️
YES! So happy it helped!! Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being a part of this tribe.
All my love to you, Andi. You are not alone. xox