If the thought has ever crossed your mind, “I think my boyfriend is gay”… this post is for you.
This is a subject that I have wanted to write about for a very long time. Why? Because I once dated a guy who was everything I had ever wanted, until… I found something that forever changed the foundation that our relationship was built on.
I was once that girl, who didn’t know what to do or where to turn. A girl that found herself in the middle of the night Googling, “Is he gay? Is my boyfriend gay? I think my boyfriend is gay” while *he* was sound asleep next to me – as seemingly NOT gay as ever. I had never had a connection with anyone like this before. It couldn’t be. But then again, why did I find what I found on his phone?
Not only did I not find anything from my Google searches, but I actually found a ton of junk out there that personally, I think is very disrespectful to the gay community. “If he hangs out with guys,” “If he spends longer doing his hair than you do,” “If he dances fancy (I don’t know what that even means),” “If he cares too much about his hygiene,” etc.
Since when did caring too much about your hygiene become a bad thing, let alone a gay thing?
And to be honest, these “signs,” were not only insulting to the gay community but the guy in question, the had-me-ovulating-at-“hello”-George-Clooney-look-alike-Wolf-of-Wall-Street-for-real-Dos-Equis-commercial-most-interesting-playboy-women-magnet man that I was dating exhibited none of those “signs.”
I wanted to write this post for any woman out there who is or has ever found herself in this position.
I wanted to shed some light on this topic in the most kindly honest and respectful way I know how: by sharing my story so that maybe… just maybe one of you out there feels less alone.
So how did I get there on that night? – with my possibly gay (?) but totally straight (??) boyfriend sleeping next to me while I was hopelessly searching…
“I think my boyfriend is gay. Is my boyfriend gay”
A long time ago in what now seems like a galaxy far, far away, I was dating a handsome emotionally unavailable man that no matter what, I never felt like I had “all” of.
Whether it be his attention, affection, or commitment, I never felt like I fully had it *all” with *him.*
“Is he gay? Is my boyfriend gay?” Ummm… no. He was the ultimate guy’s guy. I’m still to this day convinced that he was the inspiration for the Dos Equis man. This guy had it all.
He was very well-known and had the world in the palm of his hand. He was the guy that every guy wanted to be and be friends with. He spoke multiple languages, smoked the best cigars, had traveled everywhere, took care of his Mother financially (and called her every day just because), volunteered in third world countries, and still looked at the world with the kind of wonder that you only see in a child’s eyes at Christmas. With the most infectious laugh and personality, he was a walking attention magnet. He had a way of making people feel like they could do anything (except be as cool as him or get any kind of emotional access to him). He kept everyone at an emotional arm’s length. I guess that’s where the attraction was rooted.
We had been going through a rough time. The weekend before, he had flown a few of his friends out from back home for what was described as a “golfing trip.” In reality, they didn’t golf. He took them all to strip clubs, dropping thousands on lap dances for everyone. He had been friends with these guys for years. They were all married with kids, except him. He was the perpetual bachelor and I was the lucky one that the “picky,” perfect guy had been holding out for. I remember feeling so insecure when I found out about the lap dances. It devastated me. Something just didn’t feel right about that weekend. Maybe because even though he eventually answered my texts on Sunday night, I felt such a distance… I felt like there was some sort of unknown threat.
So, there I was. At 3:19 am going through his phone while he was sleeping next to me. (I’m not proud of invading his privacy; there is no excuse for that, but I did it).
To my surprise, I didn’t find one disrespectful text, weird number, photo, or anything. I found so many things on his phone that made me forget his distance. He had all of his text logs up and talked so highly of me to everyone. My presence was all over his phone in the best way.
Then, just as I was about to put the phone down in the exact position he left it in, I opened his internet and a ton of bricks came crashing down. My whole body started shaking. I found multiple tabs of gay porn. “Is he gay?” I thought. “There’s no way. This must be some mistake.
The next morning, after he left to go to work, I called my best guy friend because I knew he wouldn’t tell anyone and would be honest with me. “I think my boyfriend is gay. Is he gay? Is this normal?” I asked. “Natasha, I’d rather stare straight into the sun than look at gay porn.”
But that wasn’t enough for me. There was no way that this guy, my guy, my everything… was gay. There were no tell-tale signs, we had amazing passion and there was just no way.
So, I went to my gay guy friend. “Is he gay?” I asked. “Well, I can say for certain that he’s not straight.” I still didn’t believe it. I knew this guy loved and was attracted to women way too much. I mean, he was the lap dance guy. The ultimate wingman/ladies man.
I kept the secret to myself and I never told him what I found. Despite his emotional bankruptcy, I got to the point where I realized that whatever his orientation may be, this was a man who was in a lot of pain and felt a great deal of shame. I never wanted to embarrass or humiliate him. I did, however, after a lot of tears and dot-connecting, come up with my own interpretation of our time under the stars. I’m not saying that this is applicable to every guy who has his girlfriend wondering, “is he gay?” but it helped give me closure and make sense out of what I found on his phone.
Is he gay? Here’s a list of what I’ve learned…
- I am not, I will never be, nor do I ever want to be at liberty to determine what ANYONE’S orientation is. All I can do is have my own back, know what orientation I am, and protect myself. I realized that I had no right to answer “is he gay?” or to definitively label him as one or the other.
- I think that the reason he loved introducing me to his guy friends and “showing me off” (which totally satisfied my validation-seeking self), was because of the attention that I commanded from other men. It was his way of inadvertently turning other men on. Same thing with going to strip clubs and buying lap dances for all the guys. It’s an environment where other men are turned on and he still got to be the playboy, orchestrating it all.
- He pushed for marriage and a family with me but when it came down to it, messed up the relationship right before it got to that point. He liked the idea of all of that because it would negate his internal going-ons, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
- I think that he was sexually attracted to men but romantically attracted to women. That’s as far as I chose to make sense of it.
- He was too religious, too manly, too known, too everything to ever even explore what he was doing such a masterful job of concealing.
- He had alluded to childhood trauma. When people do this, they are generally, only alluding to a small fraction of the trauma that was experienced.
- I realized that attempting to make him my psychological case study, was a bad idea. His business was NONE of mine. He was human and so was I. This was so much deeper than “us.”
- It was too complicated of a puzzle for me to keep attempting to figure out. It was hard enough trying to get him to be emotionally available but exclusively straight? I realized that it wasn’t my battle to fight.
People can’t help but communicate who they are.
If you ever find yourself, even for a moment, genuinely wondering “is he gay?” it’s time to make a dignified exit with grace. Don’t humiliate anyone, no matter how humiliated you feel. We are all fighting our own battles.
The one thing that you will never be able to compete with is someone’s preferences.
If you’re wondering “is he gay?” just that wondering alone will disallow you from ever being in an exclusive relationship with this man. It will always be a perpetual threesome: you, him, and his unmentionable preference, whatever that may be.
You deserve a mutual relationship in which the fundamental preferences MATCH – emotionally and sexually.
PS. A friend read this post and told me that I was “homophobic” for having an issue with my boyfriend potentially, not being straight. This friend is entitled to their own opinion but I never want that word and my name in the same sentence. I have the UTMOST respect for ALL orientations and genders. My friend failed to realize that there is a difference between preference and prejudice. And we are ALL entitled to wanting to be with a partner who shares the same preferences that we do, if that’s what we want. I have many friends who are gay and struggling with their partner being bisexual. It’s okay, we are all human and as long as we are kind and not prejudice or hateful (which I have no toleration for), I’m all for sharing my experiences if it means just one person feeling less alone in this world.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.