Estimated reading time: 10 minutes
Limerence is something I’ve experienced as far back as I can remember. If you haven’t heard of Limerence before, you’re not alone. I didn’t know there was an actual name for this kind of compulsory weakness/obsession/lovesick addiction that I thought was uniquely my own up until a few years ago.
What is Limerence?
The term was coined in 1979 by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being In Love. Tennov describes limerence as “an involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person.”
Limerence convinces us that the object of our desire is the only source there will ever be as far as our happiness, purpose, and Happily Ever After go. With limerence symptoms, you will feel dependent on the other person for emotional survival and devastated to the point of paralysis if these feelings are not reciprocated. Daydreams and fantasies about the other person are unrelenting. As you get deeper into your dependence, you start to plan for the future – not realizing how far from reality you’ve traveled.
Your happiness is no longer something that you have control over.
The funny thing is, none of this sounds strange or out of the ordinary to me whatsoever. This is exactly how I would describe the way I felt and behaved in every relationship in my past.
Gloria Estefan is one of my favorite singers. I grew up listening to her music because my Mom is a fan. I was listening to one of her most popular songs in the car today and realized that the song should be called “Limerence” or “The Limerant,” instead of “Anything For You.” It describes what it’s like to be in stages of limerence perfectly.
Here are some of the lyrics:
Anything for you
Though you’re not here
Since you said we’re through
It seems like years
Time keeps dragging on and on and forever’s been and gone
I’d still do anything for you
I’ll play your games
You hurt me through and through
But you can have your way
I can pretend each time I see you
That I don’t care and I don’t need you
And though you’ll never see me cryin’
You know inside I feel like dying
And I’d do anything for you
In spite of it all
I’ve learned so much from you
You made me strong
I hope you find someone to please you
Someone who’ll care and never leave you
But if that someone ever hurts you
You just might need a friend to turn to
And I’d do anything for you
I’ll give you up
If that’s what I should do
To make you happy
As far as emotional investments go, limerence is something that you’ll never be able to afford. But that’s what television, obnoxiously unrealistic social media accounts, love songs, and romantic movies are for. They thrive on making you feel like “you can have this too,” against all odds, when it comes to romantic love.
Even if those odds defy reality, logic and require the absence of a brain, dignity (and in some cases, the law) to beat.
The problem is, your psyche isn’t wired to produce the kind of currency for that level of bullsh*t cost. Only your fears, delusion, and the story you tell yourself can produce that kind of psychological Monopoly money.
Limerence is the Fool’s Gold of true love.
It’s the romantic love drug that pop culture perpetuates the addiction to. This starts at a young age when we are at our most impressionable and it continues until we become so hopeless in our romantic addiction, we start to confuse true love with limerence.
For me, it started with fairy tales as a kid. I LOVE all of the fairy tales and everything romantic. You name it… Romantic comedies, tv shows, love stories, love songs – cheesy, beautiful, sad, etc… I’m a sucker for it all. The only difference now is, they are no longer used as a marker for comparing my life to. Nor do they set any kind of standard for my relational expectations, wants, and needs.
Romantic love that’s expressed in pop culture is there for your entertainment. Not to use as an outline for the script of your life.
You’d never watch Mission Impossible and because of that, decide to jump out of the next car you were a passenger in, try to scale a wall, and leap into oncoming traffic – convinced that you were going to carry out an impossible mission… would you?
So why do we continue to jump out of the relational cars, thinking we can emotionally survive the oncoming traffic?
Limerence.
Limerence has cost me my emotional and physical health, wealth, happiness, and reputation. It has also cost me relationships with friends and family who became burnt out by its effects.
“You’re going to ruin your life, Natasha! If you don’t stop this, you’re going to wake up in a padded room wearing a straight jacket one day. Or you’ll end up in jail or with some terrible disease from all this stress or you’ll end up dead. It’s okay to be a romantic, but not one that is THIS hopeless, obsessed, and unhinged. You have to stop.”
Friends of mine told me this, family members told me this, the private investigator I tried to hire but thankfully couldn’t afford told me this (I don’t need to say any more about this. Those that get it, get it), and my gut said this to the shameless private investigator I had become. I can think of another time in college that my English professor told me something along these lines after reading a poem I wrote. I remember the poem being very good but it must have made him concerned about my mental health.
I haven’t felt Limerence in a while. I’ve been clean for seven years now. And whenever I feel a limerent hit, I’m now able to deactivate it.
Addiction is hard. Love addiction is harder because unlike other addictions, it’s often cloaked in terms that sound so much prettier and because of that, it gets romanticized instead of seriously addressed.
“Hopeless romantic” and “love addict” sound a lot less severe and problematic than “Heroin addict” or “Alcoholic.”
Going no contact with your addiction is the toughest breakup you will ever have to endure. You can’t just read a book or a blog post about emotional sobriety and suddenly be indefinitely sober.
The key is to first identify the symptoms of Limerence and then, understand the difference between limerence and true Love so that you can rewire, cleanse, and ultimately, get clean.
Limerence Symptoms
You may be suffering from Limerence if…
- The most insignificant and short interactions with the other person give you such an intense high, you continue to fantasize, obsess over, and think about it for many days.
- Your feelings are more rooted in obsession, jealousy, possession, and delusion than they are in a true connection, honesty, mutuality, intimacy, reciprocation, and reality.
- You exaggerate and glorify the other person’s few positive characteristics to the point of red and pink flag blindness.
- You become so hyper-focused on the other person that you lose track of your own life.
- EVERYTHING that the other person does/doesn’t do and everything that you find out/don’t find out is given a meaning that perpetuates the limerence in some way.
- You find yourself fantasizing about the future even though there is no relationship.
- You experience physical symptoms – Extreme anxiety, trembling, nausea, sweating, and in some cases, paranoia around the other person. You then, allow those symptoms to pedestal the other person and affirm that they’re “The One.”
- You replay every conversation and interaction again and again. No matter how insignificant or minute.
- Everything you see, listen to, and do reminds you of them.
- You try to find a deeper meaning in everything that the person does and doesn’t do.
- Your thoughts about the other person are obsessive and involuntary.
- As the circumstances become more obnoxious (and hopeless), your feelings become more intense.
- You feel irrationally jealous and possessive. Even if the relationship is nonexistent.
- You feel a magnetic pull toward them. You are convinced that this person is your only soulmate and you were born to love them. Even if you barely know each other.
- You idealize their bad qualities as much as you do their good ones.
- You experience intense mood swings – high highs and low lows in regard to the other person and your self-worth.
Love vs. Limerence
It’s difficult to differentiate between love and limerence. Especially in the beginning stages of a relationship when both overlap.
If you are in a state of limerence, your relationship will be more about securing the other person’s validation, attention, and affection than it will be about truly connecting.
- Although they both start out the same, true love will level out and continue to feel solid.
- Limerence will continue to intensify until it starts to cause jealousy and pain.
- Limerence cannot survive in an environment of true love. True love gets better, deeper, more intimate and more connected with time. Instead of mixing signals or playing games to make the other party jealous, both people bond through their empathy, mutual connection, interests, and experiences. Limerence is a constant, involuntary struggle with anxiety about the other person.
- True love is LINEAR. Limerence is triangulation at its finest – It’s always you, the other person, and some other obstacle. This is why Johnny Cash sings “because you’re mine, I walk the line.” – NOT the triangle.
- RECIPROCATION. True love is the best feeling in the world. It doesn’t need to expect any kind of reciprocation because when you’re experiencing true love, you’re too busy loving one another to count relational cards. Limerence requires the expectation of reciprocation… More often than not from a bankrupt, unknowing, unavailable, or disconnected source.
Limerence Treatment. So That You Can Attract and Enable True Love.
My own limerence was disabled the moment I realized what it all boiled down to for me: Representation.
The denominator of limerence is fantasy. This is why the image of the other person was always so glorified and exaggerated.
This is also why I was unable to see who the other person truly was and what our relationship (or lack thereof), truly meant. There was no mutual limerence.
Fantasy is the ultimate form of escapism that cannot survive without the oxygen of representation.
My “aha!” moment came when I realized that it wasn’t about the actual guy I was obsessed with at ALL.
It was about what he meant to me; what he represented.
He represented:
- A totally clean slate and a new beginning.
- The opportunity to redefine myself, my life, and prove haters wrong.
- That I was not as ugly and worthless as I felt.
- A real, enviable life.
- Security.
- Safety.
- Happiness.
- Invalidating the painful experiences and hurtful people in my childhood.
The list goes on.
And ten times out of ten, what we allow other people to represent is the very thing we are too scared to resurrect within ourselves, embody, and pursue.
Build it within yourself FIRST. As you progress, you will become more protective of that progress than you will EVER be interested in hanging onto a person who is only glowing because YOU are shining YOUR light on them.
Limerence will make you feel like the only light you have is a spotlight.
You were not born with a spotlight to shine on others. You are pure light. You emanate it.
Ask yourself what the people that you obsess over REPRESENT. And then, build that home within yourself.
Building homes in other people is the fastest way to end up on the relational streets homeless; locked out of a home that you built.
The only way Limerence will ever stand a chance is if you dim your own light enough to make room for it.
It’s time to amplify. For good.
x Natasha Adamo
Are you done with toxic relationships and ready to attract (and be attracted to) healthy relationships? Do you want to connect with others on a deeper level than the comments below? Click here to become an Emotional Mastery Member and learn more. If you’re looking for more personalized, one-on-one help, you can work directly with Natasha Adamo here.
How do you get over totally embarrassing yourself in front of your ex after 3 months of no contact . We all got together for a mutual friends birthday. And I knew he was gonna be there and to face the situation I had a drink or two. And I can’t remember the entire night. But I feel I was acting awkward and now I feel so embarrassed ?
Hi Denise!
Don’t worry – Just get back on your white horse and use the embarassment that you feel to motivate you to not fall off again. It’s okay – we have all been there. Get right back on. You got this.
Wish I had the time to write more. Love you soul sister. xo
I’m currently on holiday in Spain. Just poured myself a little drink to have whilst I read and this post popped in to my inbox 🙂 thank you Natasha.
I just wish I knew how to stop comparing myself to the new girl of my ex of 6 years (and what I thought was my future). He said he didn’t want a relationship with anyone, and boom, met her online 2 weeks after he left me for a life of solidarity. She’s long distance so perhaps he hasn’t had to experience the true relationship commitment.
I thought it was true love but I know it’s developed in to limerance.
Anyone who would like a laugh, Google crazy matrix of women. It’s hilarious xx
Ps any thoughts on a forum or chat room Natasha? For moments where we feel so alone and want to chat to the tribe members? Xxxx
Hiya – You will be in the one that got away LJ! Of all the guys I’ve ever known and friends that have experienced this too. The guy will eventually look back with regret at what he lost, you don’t miss the water until the well runs dry ?? I smile at what I thought was a loss many years ago, but in reality its a tremendous gain ! Have a fabulous holiday ??
Hi LJ!
I’m so happy that the post served you 🙂 Thank you! LOL yes, I’ve seen that. We are very in sync – I am coming up with something along those lines.
All my love to you. You’re never alone. xx
Natasha, once again you have hit the proverbial nail on the head. I can’t count the number of times I have found myself obsessing unhealthily over guys who, in retrospect, really weren’t anything special. Time and again I would find myself inexplicably drawn to these (usually emotionally unavailable and emotionally bankrupt) men as if pulled by a magnet. It really does take a toll and now I belatedly recognise that what I thought was ‘love’ was actually limerence served with a generous helping of anxiety (I’m sure you can relate to the stomach-churning highs and lows). What you said at the end is so so important – you are true light. Thank you so much for this, Natasha <3
I’m all smiles 🙂 Thank YOU, Hazel – for taking the time to comment, for affirming that I was/am not alone in this, and for being the light that you are. Love you. xoxo
I felt that I couldn’t help it , to write how much all the words in this post , hit home . It’s incredible how clear everything started to become while I was reading this post . Natasha , you have a true gift of putting into words the immense chaos we feel inside . It’s unbelievable how liberating, the truth you make us face through your posts , is. I must say , without any exaggeration, that some of your posts , like this one , is a priceless painkiller for me , at the times I fall off the white horse. Thank you very much! !!
Thank you for this as always Natasha!
100% Limerence. What’s harder to understand is not how he could use and discard me like trash, but why one year later I still obsess, cry, wait for an apology, and try to make sense of it.
My work “friend” gets married today. It’s a day I have dreaded and cried about for over a year. The happiest day of his life, while I haven’t slept in days. How did I even get myself into this ?!
Even though he ended it a year ago, and we never spoke of “us” again, today his wedding officially closes the book. I applied for other jobs and have an interview this week. It is time for me to let it go and move on. I tried my best, I failed, and I deserve peace.
Love all that you do. Looking forward to your book. XOX Christine
Hi Christine. You are not alone. It’s been 1 year and a month for me. It’s been no contact but I am very Mitch guilty of all of this. It still hurts but in reading this tonight I think I have to try and build what I keep fantasizing about. It is hard though because I still think of him and replay conversations. Still question how he can just leave too. It’s a pain I do not wish anyone. Just think of how far you have come in knowing yourself . Who knows what kind of life he will have but one thing is for sure. His life is not as wonderful as it could have been f he would have rose to the occasion to be the man you deserve. Just hold your head up and continue working with n what you want. Sounds like you have a great start. I wish you all good things. ????
Thank you Linda! I had a hard weekend and you’re the only one who has reached out. My 2 friends that I have told this to didn’t bother, saying I should be over this by now. But even a text saying ” thinking of you ” or anything would have been nice. I sound bitter, I Know. I hate that about myself now. I can’t even look at one more of his wedding pictures, they were beaming of course. While a YEAR later I am in tears! You are right, it is a pain I do not wish on anyone. This really has been the WORST pain of my life. Sad, huh?
I appreciate your words. I’m hoping getting a new job will be a good step. I hope you are doing ok. I wish I had some words for you, because I know how hard it is. I think even if I got an ounce of validation that I ever mattered, or a sincere apology – anything, I could deal with it better. It is hard to think that they never so much as glanced backwards in one year! Seeing you on here, your empathy to everyone, you’re a class act. Whoever this guy is that broke your heart, what a loser. He is a loser because he lost you, a good person who loved him and cared. He ran away like a scared boy, and can’t even face anything. I hope you are healing, one day at a time. And I hope someday you find a man worthy of you!
Thank you again Linda!
Christine
Just want to jump in and reiterate that the tribe is here for you. <3 It's the worst feeling in the world to think that these guys can just abandon us, without so much as a backwards glance whilst we are left with no explanation and our hearts shattered into a million pieces. When it happened to me I felt so unworthy and unlovable. I truly believed that there must have been something sooo singularly and uniquely off-putting about me, that was so obvious to everyone but me. It's been 8 months for me and I'm still not fully over it but with the help of PMS I have made great strides towards improving. Whenever I struggle, I recall one post that Natasha made that particularly resonated with me. I can't remember the exact phrasing but in it she says that what these men are actually doing is rejecting accountability, decency, and responsibility instead of you. This helped me so much and offered the fresh perspective I needed in order to change my thinking. I truly began to understand that HE was the problem, as opposed to anything I'd 'done' which I think I knew deep down but I'd just been so fixated on my 'he's a good guy narrative' to truly grasp.
Hope this helps, Christine xxx
Thank you Hazel. I appreciate you reaching out.
I have struggled for 2 years with his hot and cold, thinking “what is wrong with me? Why is he so normal to everyone else?” I still feel like it’s me. He married her, didn’t want to be friends – all of it – because I’m not good enough. It’s a deep rooted problem. It’s my problem, my issue – but his treatment of me brought it to light BIG time!
I’m glad you are doing better. I’ll look for your comments, I am rooting for you!
Thank you again!
🙂 Christine
You are welcome. You brought tears to my eyes. ???? please reach out anytime you want to chat. I get it completely. You are doing great by focusing in you. Don’t look at his pretend wedding pictures anymore. It’s not good. It’s all fake and it will be temporary because they do not change like Natasha says. Stay strong and stay here on this blog for support and wisdom. I feel alone everyday until I come here. I wish you good luck with your job and let us know what happens.
I will Linda! Thank you. Stay strong my friend! I believe in you xox
I love seeing this LOVE & SUPPORT! Agreed. Thanks Linda 🙂 xo
I can’t get my comments to appear! I’ve wanted to comment on articles, reach out and support others, but my comments don’t show up.
This comment is visible I’m not sure what you’re referring to. Comments should work now since this one shows.
Hi Christine,
I really relate to what you wrote, for a moment I had to check to make sure I hadn’t wrote that post! (Minus the marriage thing).
I too had a relationship with someone at work who discarded me brutally and then pretended that I didn’t exist. He also has a new girlfriend who he flaunts at every given opportunity (he even brings her to the office sometimes). He dumped me a year and a month ago and never looked back.
It has been an incredibly long and hard time moving on, especally given that I never got an explanation or ‘closure’, coupled with seeing him everyday. I cannot relate to how it must feel that this awful person is now getting married, but I do know that the past few days I have realised how much progress I have made. A little over 2 months ago, after he ignored me again and then brought his new gf to the office and I walked past them in the street, I decided to go full no contact. As in, I no longer even look at him or politely say hello. I literally pretend he does not exist and it has done soooo much for me. I feel much more peaceful, accepting, I do not obsess or stalk him online, I never wonder about how he will behave or if he will give me crumbs because I took the power back by going no contact and not even telling him or explaining. He tried saying hi a few times before he got the message and he still often looks at me as if I will say hi, but I do not even look in his general direction. It feels great!
I don’t feel bad either because of the way he treated me, he has no grounds to ask why I am ignoring him and I have also not given him the opportunity to do so.
I really hope that you too will one day, hopefully soon, feel the way I do. I am by no means entirely over him or the situation, the feelings I have had are described in this Limerance post and are still very present in my heart. But each day gets easier now and I am proud of myself as I genuinely do not want him back and I prefer not engaging with him. I really didn’t think it would help as much as it did.
My heart really goes out to you on this one! Sending you so much love and peace!!! I hope one day you manage to open your heart again, I hope the same for me too. I have met someone recently and we have taken things so slowly but everyday he shows me more and more that he is real and genuine. Its a great feeling to have overcome.
The best advice I have received recently, is be kind to yourself.
xxxxx
Thank you Louise for your comment !
I’m so proud of you. To work with someone you thought you mattered to only to become strangers is the worst. I’ve been unable to really focus and be present at work for over 2 years.
But here’s the thing, the worst is over for me. He married her, at the restaurant downstairs from our work where I had to see her setting it up! I mean, how much more can he hurt me?!
I had a great interview today and I see my new future without this anxiety unfolding soon.
I’m so proud of your no contact! He doesn’t deserve it. I say hi when I don’t even feel he deserves it, so good on you for saying “ tough sh*t, no more !” I wish I could see you strut by his sorry a$$ and not glance his way! Kudos ! I’ll look for you on here! I’m rooting for you too my friend.
Thank you again
Xox Christine
YES. I have been there 100% and if I can get through it Christine, SO.CAN.YOU.
You are getting through it, you will get through the remainder OF it, and you’re never alone.
Prioritize your peace and just know that you are loved, supported, appreciated, and valued beyond words.
Thank you! I’m having a blast writing it 🙂 Love you sis. XO
I am floored, mouth to the floor. Natasha, this is honestly the absolute best thing I’ve ever read for my evolutionary path. I’m crying tears of joy and liberation. Words cannot begin to describe what you’ve done to help me. This is everything to me and describes my life to the tee. I just cannot believe finally someone was able to put my whole human life into the most powerful, eloquent, intelligent and truthful words. This is transformational life changing work. People go their whole lives not figuring this out, you are incredible and your analogy about being on the relational streets is everything. I am just so incredibly grateful, moved and impressed. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear and you and PMS came into my life with the truth that no one in society is strong enough to tell you. Every generation is evolving at a rapid pace and you Natasha are at the forefront, you are a leader of transformation from the caterpillar to the butterfly. You are insanely gorgeous and you radiate truth, you use your story to elevate and that’s honestly what we came to this planet to do. I love you so much sending you the hugest hug and gratitude for sharing your light on my journey to self love, self liberation and building the inner home of my dreams. OMG what you said about representation is what I’ve been doing for 20 years!!!!!! Holy s#%* I’ve been given the knowledge to set myself completely free!!! And live the life of my dreams!!! I’ve read so much work, from so many spiritual gurus, I’ve been seeking for so long and this was the missing piece. Printing this up and reading it everyday until it’s memorized and imprinted in my subconscious mind. THANK YOU from the depths of my heart, thank you I hope you have the most amazing Labor Day weekend. Xoxoxoxo
SDD,
I am the one whose jaw has dropped. This made me cry tears of so much joy and gratitude.
I’m crying too hard to type as much as I want to but I’ll say this – You are incredible and you have a gift that goes beyond what you’re even aware of. You sharing your journey helped heal the parts of my own that felt misunderstood and that still evoked shame. Thank you for taking the time to respond and thank you for your love, connection, and support SDD. I am eternally grateful and so happy/honored to help. Always.
Love you. xxo
I feel the same but you worded instead of me. I think we are all very smart women and plain, empty articles don’t help us, simply because we are deep thinkers. I strongly believe in God, but religious things are not enough for me, neither esoteric, attraction laws etc out there. However I prayed for help to lead me out of my situation. I cannot express thankfulness enough for these articles.
I’ve had the hardest time ever getting over relationships as the ones that blindsided me most or hurt me have always turned to limerence. It becomes addicting in a way. I’ve had two month relationships take me over a year plus to get over. I have a hard time dating other people when I am like this and become fixated on them sexually and fantasize about them constantly. Often these are relationships that are not good for me so I have the common sense to leave but only in the physical sense. I think about them obsessively every day and reunion scenarios race through my head. I think about the last meeting before we broke up and how I could have behaved differently. It’s like I’m deciding that I would rather have this shitty relationship than not have it. The last one I truly thought was going to be my forever person and I hadn’t felt that way about someone in such a short period of time. He just seemed like such a good man and everything I was looking for. He ended up being commitmentphobic in every way after sweeping me off my feet. Reading He’s Scared, She’s Scared and resources online have helped but it only lasts for a little bit and I start to miss him again. I sometimes have more empowering days too but to recognize it’s limerence and my own anxiety and not love is important. I’m terrified he is seeing someone new and I just need to move on with it. He is no good for me or anyone. He just painted this picture that I thought he was this amazing person but that guy doesn’t exist and maybe never did. It’s wasting my life and the agony of loss is stopping today. I just can’t live like this anymore.
Nicole, what you described is exactly how I felt and if I can overcome it, so can YOU. Make a deal with me right now to start prioritizing your peace and just know that you’re loved, supported, and never alone in this – or EVER.
Thank you for sharing and for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you soul sister. xo
Nicole, you’re not the only one. I dated this guy for about three months and I thought he might be the one, but we ended it because of future goal in life. We then become this awkward friends who are still connected via social media. Even though we stopped dating, I kept constantly thinking about him, thinking perhaps, I lost a chance of love. I haven’t experience this pain before and it hurts like a knife through my gut. I would fantasize our reunion as well, sexually and emotionally. I tried the no contact rule for awhile and it works for a bit, but if I noticed a post on social media or a text from him, I would get elated, and then I am back to this overwhelming sadness. It’s hard. Even when I tried dating other people, I started to compare them to him which isn’t healthy at all. Thank goodness, I stumbled into this article about limerence. and made me realized that this fantasy of love wasn’t it. Thank you, Natasha. Nicole, if Natasha can do it, we can do it. We need to nourish our soul back and be a stronger person.
God, I’m crying. My best friend terminated our friendship because we were love addicted to each other. It took almost two years for me to feel somewhat normal (for me) without him. My life is better and most days are good, but there are days when I still mourn the loss. Today I’m a little sad.
I tryly resonate with what you wrote. I love the part about the spotlight, for me that metaphor is very literal…I performed on stage with my friend and did everything I could to shine the spotlight on him. Ive been writing my own show and this summer I performed it. I had a sold out crowd and I finally got to emanate my own light. It was magic.
Thanks so much for your articles. Your description of limerence describes my experience very accurately, regrettably. Comforting to know I’m not alone, I reckon.
Your literal resonation made me tear up <3
I would LOVE to see your show - Congratulations!
Thank YOU for affirming that I am/was not alone in this either and thank you for being a part of this tribe. BIG love to you sis. xo
Limerance!!! That’s what it is!!!!!!! All the symptoms described are how I felt/feel ! Natasha you are a genius!!!! ?The problem is , I’m still obsessing after 1 year post break up…I feel I need to delete and block but I haven’t got the strength to cut those final ties…..
Help…xxxxx
SO happy it helped! 🙂 Thanks Lara. You can do it – we are all behind you 100%. Get out a photo of yourself as a child, be the adult that that girl needed and didn’t have, and do this for her.
You got this! xoxo
?? Thanks Natasha, I love reading your posts. Lots of love from the UK XXX
Thank YOU Jules for being a sister on a soul level and for being a part of this tribe.
Sending you even more love from Los Angeles! 🙂 xx
Oh my gahhh, I got directed here thru a Google search link and my jaw it’s still on the floor stunned at how spot-on you are in every single article I’ve read thus far. Never heard of the word limerence in my whole life….and all of my relationships, including 15 yr marriage (div last year) and most recent 6 mo dating “relationship” (more like push/pull) that ended 2 days ago could be in a textbook on this. My gut told me I wasn’t ready yet to date, I blew him off and told him I was flattered, thanks but no thanks. He and I discovered we had some crazy synchronicities through the past 20-plus years and that is the one thing that kept me hanging around and before I know it I’m in limerence again. I’m trying to do the work I just started seeing a life coach that comes from the law of Attraction mindset which I greatly believe in that apparently don’t practice it enough. She has help me uncover some core values that I never knew were there and are indicative of every relationship and then I came to your website and it talks about all of those things that I have to get rid of:
* Limerance
* Anxiety avoidant style
* It’s like fuel and I get a high when I’m in the midst of the push-pull, which is super unhealthy I know, even if I don’t like the guy a whole lot I just want to win ?!!
* Always feel like I am not enough, I’m invalidated, give away my power
* Weak and blurry boundary lines
* And there’s a whole lot more……
I definitely have an awareness, more awareness now than at any other point in my life but after so many years, it feels so hard wired I don’t quite know how to make it all happen. I saw a few comments of others asking about a forum or some kind of group or the tribe can all lean on for support, I’m new here and we’ll check out and see if you have started anything like that. If not it would be so awesome. You obviously have a gift because you write so perfectly and to great detail about all of this and wow I am not alone. I even see Law of Attraction influences in a lot of your articles… amazing!! Thank you ?
Hi Shaun!
I’m *so happy* that the posts have helped! I am working on coming up with a forum where we can all connect and support one another. Thank you so much for being a part of this tribe and just for being YOU and all that you are.
Your life coach sounds incredible! All my love to you. xox
Hello Natasha. This is me. This explains s much!!!! Gosh!, it is a little scary because it started when we was so very young. I did not know until now. I always thought I felt breakup pain much harder than others. I always seem to give my whole self. Hi get half in return if I am lucky. I still have a very busy mind after a year later but I get it now.
You nice said not to build our house in the house of someone else because when they falls, we have to rebuild again. I have s many broken houses because of limerace. I agree I now have to build what I want not what the fantasy is. This is a very powerful message for me today. It brings tears to my eyes but it’s ok. It may take me a long time to build the house but at least it will be one I will not get evicted from?
Thank you beautiful Natasha for this. You are a light for me and others. The energy and courage you give to helping us all. You are amazing and the definition of being selfless. I love ya sister and you are not alone. Thanks again and looking forward to my next piece of wisdom fro you.
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Hi my beautiful soul sister 🙂
I’m glad that the post helped and I definitely felt the same when I discovered the term. Everything suddenly made so much sense.
You’re going to make me cry Linda <3 Thank you.
You are just as bright, influential, and healing of a light to me and so many. Love you so much. xoxo
How do you always know exactly what I need? This article is so relevant to my life right now. Thank you for the gift you share with the world: pure honesty. It takes guts to do that. Completely random question, you did a post about Dr.Lancer as your dermatologist. I recently moved out to L.A (West Hollywood). Who would you recommend for laser hair removal? More beauty and wellness tips please! I loved your post on mint tea =)
Thanks Mishti! 🙂 Happy it helped!
Welcome to LA! I got all of my laser hair removal done at a clinic in Encino that’s now closed (Dr. Tatoff). I would recommend staying out of Beverly Hills and going over to the Valley or Glendale as the prices are cheaper. Will definitely do more beauty and wellness 🙂 Thanks sis! xo
Thanks to this website, Natasha Adamo’s vision, I was able to focus. I focused hard and remembered how I was feeling and what I thought I loved. Suddenly I have a job I am proud of, and of course, still crushing, but I am healthy. I traveled a tad bit. I feel safe and thank every one of you commenters and brave Natasha for the power to relate to me.
YESSSS!!!!! YOU GO GIRL. Thanks so much for sharing Frida! Love you my soul sister. xx
I am a month out of a 3 year committed relationship. We got engaged in Feb of this year, then for it not to really be talked about much after. Long story short, we had taken some time to sort ourselves out, be alone, and were totally coming back to the table with what we’d both came up with. I was blindsided with screenshots of him and his rebound “girlfriend”. He was married before me, but was widowed about a year before we began dating. Successfully married almost 24 years. I know he is capable of it. On social media, he had never changed his relationship status from widowed. I just thought oh well, that’s his way of dealing with loss. He changed it on Facebook a week after he started seeing this new woman. I’ve begged people to not screen shot and send me things. He has me blocked, by the way. So, here I go in a completely nice text asking why he never changed it with me and why this soon? His answer to me was because he was getting hit up on messenger by too many women so he changed it. He said she changed hers to get an ex to leave her alone. So he is lying to me, and lying to her. I have, this past weekend, decided to pack up my emotions in a bag and put them down and just walk away. I know there is nothing he could say to get me back at this point. For two weeks I went through this Limerance!!! 2 excrutiating, agonizing weeks of my life, gone!! Thank you for putting into words what I could not fathom to say. He started seeing her with 3 car loads of my belongings still in his home, my horse was still at his house. Wonder what the story she got was? Eh, I don’t care!! Thank you Natasha!
YESSS! I want to hug and high-5 you at the same time Lynn. Thank you for sharing and for being the inspiration and light that you are. All my love to you sister. xoxo
I have been trying to comment. Maybe this one will go through. There is a lot I didn’t understand before finding you Natasha! I was in a 3 year relationship with a man who had been widowed. He asked me to marry him late last year and I accepted. Then he just shut down on me. I tried for months to see what was wrong, “fix” things, but to no avail. He sent me a text a couple months back that he needed some alone time to figure himself out and POOF! New girlfriend. They are flooding social media with photos, relationship statuses, it’s like the sheets didn’t get cold and he has someone new. I will admit, I’ve been bucked off of my white horse on 2 occasions. I have friends that keep messaging me his and her photos, posts, and I beg them to stop but then it’s different people the next time. I am doing my best to work on myself and what I need to be for myself. Thank you so much for all your advice!
So happy and honored to help! 🙂 Thanks for your love, support, kindness, and for being a part of this tribe Lynn. XOXO
I’m so happy I found you. At the tender age of 21 I have been emotionally shat over by 2 ex’s. Both promised the world then left, after a few weeks/months of emotional unavailablity and distance. Leaving me feeling clingy, obsessed, anxiety ridden and like a shell of my self. This blog and community has already taught me so much about my ex’s and the type of relationships I’m drawn into. And as a result I’m finally looking inwards and working on being my own best friend. I’m only 2 weeks out of my second breakup but am getting through it <3 thanks so much for the love and support. Forever staying on the white horse xx
Hi Abby,
I wish that I had one ECHO of the wisdom, awareness, and beauty that you have when I was your age. Thank you so much for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe. Your love and support mean everything to me.
I am so happy to have helped. All my love to you soul sister. xx
Countless time I have come to this page reading different post. For awhile I felt like I was crazy alone hopeless then I read a post like this or other peoples comments where things I said done or thought are the same . Its so encouraging to see im not alone and Im not those things . This site has really helped me change my life for the better . Thank you Natasha for being so honest and encouraging. Your awesome/inspiring
Right back at you AmyL! Thank you for your love, support, sisterhood, and for being a part of this tribe. You are never alone.
Love you. xx
Natasha, thank you for bringing Limerence to my attention. I have been limerent for 4 years. ( I am also married ). I was both liberated and incredibly sad when I read your article because I thought I was in love. I still believe I cared very much for my LO but to the detriment of my mental health, my marriage and my world around me. I still think of him daily . He stopped talking to me at the end of July . We ran in these cycles for the best part of 3 years: I would get intense, he would ignore. This would make me seek validation and reciprication of my feelings and he would eventually answer because he ” felt guilty” . It would be nice for about two weeks then the cycle got going again. It’s literally driven me mad. And the worse thing is, I sent him an article on Limerence , I don’t know why! To explain my behaviour? For him to understand ? Even though he was , by his own admittance, an avoidant. I do know he liked me very much and he would send me photos of his family which I loved . We talked every day , nearly all day for the best part of 4 years. I listened, I ached and cried when he said that he had been in love ( but not with me) I genuinely wish we had just remained friends. But he never replied to my message about not the article. Perhaps that’s the only way he can manage this . See? Haha, I’m still being nice about him! The ignoring should be the answer but I just wanted him to acknowledge it? 4 years we spoke online ( we met a few times) .4 years. And I am not worthy of a response. I just want to feel better. I just want to move on. By the way, I love your site. You are so wise . You are doing such a great job and the most important thing I have learnt is that I am not Alone. Thank you Natasha. Xx
Hi Amanda!
Thank you so much for sharing <3 I'm happy and honored to have helped/help in any way.
Your love, support, connection, and you being a part of this tribe means everything 🙂 You are never alone.
BIG love to you sis. xx
The man of my lifelong desire has not changed a bit. I met up with him after he divorced. After a(nother) year of avoidant behavior I figured it all out, thanks Natasha and all the internet has to offer.
I still fight the urge to contact him, and I am gratefull I finally figured out I was in limerence with a fantasy.
Your ex may have martied another woman but he is still who he is. They rarely change. She will have a marriage of heartbreak, you can count on that.
Count your lucky stars it is not you. I know the Universe was protecting me all those years ago. Now, onto the real work of loving myself.
YES. You go girl. Thank you so much for sharing this Carrie and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 Love you. xx
Hi Natasha,
Oh my gosh, you hit the nail spot on. It’s like a blind fold just came off my eyes. Now I understand better. It hurts that I have unknowingly being doing that to myself and i even married him. Where to go from here I don’t know. But it feels good to be able to finally understand myself. Much love sis. Thanks for this.
I am so happy and honored to have helped in any way Abby 🙂 Thank YOU for being here and for being a part of this tribe.
Love you soul sister. xox
Wow, getting over the endless obsessing about a disconnected person, that hit hard. “Daydreams and fantasies about the other person are incessant and as you get deeper into your dependence, the fantasies can become elaborate and extreme.”
I think I’m a narcissist who is ashamed of being a narcissist.
I grew up that way.
I was obsessed with myself.
Everything is cliche.
Learning that you are not the center of the universe is a hard lesson to accept and eventually I learned that. The more I tried to control things, the more out of control they became.
Even though I was lazy on some level and I think what I really mean is, I was so afraid of abandonment but also terrified to admit it. I was trying to control my world which was increasingly out of control.
For years I refused to recognize and accept that I had a problem. I blamed it on everything else: stress, work, politics, my kids, my wife, anything but my life and what was really causing the problem. I was working hard at avoiding the thing that I knew I had to do.
It’s easy to trick yourself into thinking that you’re young. But now I’m into my mid-40s and a lot of that anxiety drifts away because you’re no longer bothering to try and that no one’s really thinking about you as much as you worry they’re thinking about you. Most people are just thinking about themselves all the time.
Some days, the best you’ll be able to do is breathe. And that’s okay. Know that it’s okay to fall down, fall apart, and feel like you can’t get up. Stay there for a little while. Just don’t decide to live there.
Hi AJD!
WOW. “Thank you” will never be enough for taking the time and possessing the sheer self-awareness, respect, and courage to share. You have no idea how many people (myself included), you will help/are helping by having taken the time to write that.
Thank you for being here, for being a part of this tribe, and for being all that you are – JUST AS you are <3
BIG love to you. xox
You are welcome. I am not used to such kind words. I stumbled across your site and have been leapfrogging among the different posts. I am fascinated by your openness. The idea of self love seems hard to comprehend. I’d like to be the sort of person who can enjoy things at the time, instead of having to go back in my head and enjoy them.
For the past year, I struggled with incredible anger and grief over a fundamental existential loneliness. I had to realize I’m day-dreaming the crap out of life, while others are out there living. I look forward to exploring your site further to learn how you stay out of that hole?
True simplicity is not easy. Thank you again for sharing. Andrew
P.S.: I really like <3 and I will definitely start using when texting with my daughter.
🙂 <3 <3 <3 all my love to you Andrew. I will be sure to write more on this subject. Thank you so much for your connection and support!
Hi Natasha,
I’ve kept reading on since yesterday. Thank you for putting all these valuable insights on the site, and for free. It is so helping. I think I could have shopped along many, many therapists and wouldn’t have come to understand as much as I understand now. Though I live in Europe, it feels like you speak directly to my soul. You technically have untangled the whole thing, which is brilliant. I hope you can realize what your blog means for all the people who can read this, and like me, find the way to themselves back after often years of suffering. Yes, it ís time to let that light shine from within.
Hugs,
Ellen
I felt that I couldn’t help it , to write how much all the words in this post , hit home . It’s incredible how clear everything started to become while I was reading this post . Natasha , you have a true gift of putting into words the immense chaos we feel inside . It’s unbelievable how liberating, the truth you make us face through your posts , is. I must say , without any exaggeration, that some of your posts , like this one , is a priceless painkiller for me , at the times I fall off the white horse. Thank you very much! !!
Thank you from the very bottom of my heart ????
Wow! Thank you so much for this article, it was so on spot, and I am so happy that you really put into words what I have been doing for the past year – lighting up one’s own home instead of others!
So happy it helped! Thanks Nicklas ?
Hi Natasha – this article helped me find the clarity I needed to identify what my partner has been dealing with when it comes to our relationship. That said, what do you make of it when a partner in limerence is caught cheating? My partner and I have only been together for less than a year, but it has been an insanely intense ride due to what I know now is limerence. However just earlier this week, something felt off and I looked throruvh his phone while he was in the shower. I found a text thread with a woman whose name was shortened to just her first and last initial. the text thread was on Do Not Disturb. I found them talking about sex/masturbation. I’m having a hard time understanding how my partner could have the bandwidth to be in utter limerence (insanely suffocating) but still entertaining conversation with another woman. What do you make of it? Thank you!
Hi AF!
Thank you so much for taking the time to share. It is humanely impossible for me to directly advise in the comments, as I would have many more questions to ask and would need to know many more details (thank you for your kindness and your understanding).
I will try to write about this more soon. You are not alone. My coaching will open up soon too as well. xox
Hi,
Thank you so much for sharing your journey of healing with all of us, Natasha! I never knew or even heard of limerence until I found your blog!!!!! You have helped me immeasurably by sharing your experiences honestly and intelligently and with kindness towards self.
I have had 4 significant limerent periods of my life, beginning in the mid 80s. I got into limerence (but certain it was karmic destiny/love!) again that lasted for 5 years and thousands of $$ spent on a psychic, that told me nothing about limerence, and the fact that I had nothing in common with this man, and no relationship at all with him, other than him calling every year and a half or so for 5 minute whoopie time. She said we had karma and led me on for years, 100$ an hour, until finally telling me that he had moved on. My family all talked smack about me and my spending all my money and making myself poor paying a psychic.
Cue two more major limerences! Betrayal, humiliation, embarrassment, all of it. Loss of reputation and employment due to my triggered behavior. I do my best to accept full responsibility for my choices in life, even though I find myself blaming this psychic from 1990, (a woman that became godmother to my kids, although she moved to UK from USA and we didn’t have contact for a while) for knowing everything about me, but the most obvious thing of all – LIMERENCE! And that I did not love these men at all. I feel no attraction to any of these men anymore, but it took years to get over. I wish I had known about limerence 35 years ago. I would still likely be in the dark about what has taken up so much of my life cycle if I hadn’t stumbled upon your excellent and very helpful supportive blog. Thank you, Natasha Adamo! You help me make sense of things and not feel so ashamed and at the mercy of limerence. XO
Thank you *so much* Diane! I live to give what I wish I would have had. So happy that the posts are of value.
You are not alone, soul sister.