You’re going through a traumatic breakup where you didn’t get any closure and are missing your ex. All you can think about is what he’s doing, who he’s doing, why he hasn’t reached out, and when you are ever going to feel like yourself again. You’re exhausted from obsessing but you can’t help it. He was so selfish throughout the relationship and you just want any shred of proof that he’s hurting as badly as you are. You want to know that you meant something to him, that your relationship mattered, and that he regrets breaking your trust.
+ This is applicable to men as well. This post is written from the perspective of a woman (me), but nothing on this site discriminates against age, gender or orientation. We all experience these feelings and are in this together.
You need to know that you’re not as forgettable as him “forgetting” you has made you feel.
You’re proud of yourself for staying on your white horse, maintaining (most of) your dignity post-breakup, and not reaching out. But you miss him and it’s been really hard.
Then one day, your girlfriends insist on taking you out that night. You order a drink and start to feel a little. Pain? What pain?! HA! This is great! You’re dancing and flirting and actually having fun. Then, all of a sudden, you get rejected by a guy you were flirting with or you may even start talking to a great guy and feel sick because it’s not your ex.
You see all of your friends calling their significant others and right then, it’s like a wave comes crashing down. You think to yourself that he really wasn’t that bad OR the flip side, you get even more hurt and angry. You just want to know why the hell he hasn’t reached out or even acknowledged your existence since the breakup. You think about how even after a few drinks, getting all dressed up, and being out with the girls STILL makes you miss him (despite how he treated you) and you want to know why he hasn’t reached out to you when he’s gone out and had a few.
How could he just forget you? How could he not miss you like you miss him? Didn’t you matter at all?
Your fun night girls night out turns into you having to go to the bathroom… which turns into an opportunity for you to
see what he’s up to stalk on social media. You get triggered even more, drink even more, and then…
It doesn’t matter whether you decide to call him or if you see something that upsets you and you call one of his friends. You may call another friend of yours. Whether he picks up, you leave a message, or you text him or some random chick picks up his phone or whatever… it doesn’t matter.
Whether you make any kind of contact or not, you miss him and this is basically how the rest of it goes…
And there you have it. I get it, I’ve been there. I’ve been there so many times that reenacting it in these photos took me about 30 seconds. One of the biggest concerns that I had after my first bad breakup was wondering how the hell I was ever going to go out again. I didn’t trust myself with one sip of alcohol. I was also worried that if I had a few and I saw my ex, I’d really lose it (I was in college at the time). It seemed like with going out, the very pain that I was trying to escape was not only still there, it became stronger. I had even less control over my emotions and ended up doing things that in hindsight, robbed me of my self-esteem, my dignity, and my strength.
The fastest way to lose your self-respect is to translate through your actions that you have no control over your emotions or yourself.
No matter what you have going on, drinking will ALWAYS capitalize and highlight your deepest issues, while making you feel like you’re totally justified in the moment…
until the next morning when the self-blame and shame creep in.
This can be even harder if he’s reached out to you and you’ve stayed strong. It’s devastating when after a few drinks, and all of your hard work goes down the drain.
So, how do you get to a point where even if you’re hurting after a breakup, you can go and enjoy a night out, get a drink with your friends, and not scratch the mosquito bite of your triggers?
For me, when I was much younger, I used to need alcohol. I was far from an alcoholic, but I felt like I needed it to have a good time. I needed alcohol to feel confident and I needed it so I could say and act how I really wanted to. Alcohol was like an insurance policy for me because I always had it to blame on my words and actions if needed.
Years ago, I stopped drinking. It was never this big production or anything. I had a health scare, a bad breakup, and decided to get as healthy as I could. As I got emotionally and physically healthier, I noticed that my body would have a more adverse reaction to alcohol. And as I felt my feelings, dealt with my pain, and built my self-love, alcohol didn’t seem as fun or needed.
I don’t drink anymore, but if I went to Vegas tonight and had multiple drinks and shots and ended up getting wasted, I’d be completely harmless. Yeah, I’d do and say some funny things but I’d never go swing off the chandelier, turn everything into my own personal stripper pole, dry hump everything in sight, simulate S&M sex on the dance floor, text my ex as I’m limping barefoot in the hotel lobby or have a meltdown, feel insecure and need to go flirt with the strangers. I may have been there and done a few of those things but it would never happen today.
The reason I wouldn’t do any of that stuff, even if I was inebriated, is because alcohol will only exemplify the truth. My truth is that I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I don’t need validation from anyone but myself. My truth is that I am happy and that I’m comfortable in my own skin. My truth is that I love and respect who I am and I’ve forgiven myself and others. My truth is that I have achieved a state of indifference with the people I needed to. Yes, of course, I have my tough days where I get emotional and things don’t go right but I’m no longer controlled by everything that used to trigger me.
When you’re missing your ex, part of the process of healing and dealing with the breakup is getting back out there and enjoying nights out with your friends.
I’m telling you right now though… if you drink and are dealing with heartbreak, you will miss your ex and you will get angry and sad. It’s like saying if you go surfing, you’ll get wet. It’s inevitable.
Here are some things to keep in mind if you’re going out fresh after a heartbreak and missing your ex…
- Refrain from drinking until you feel indifferent towards your ex.
- If you can’t do the above, refrain from getting drunk.
- If you’re missing your ex and wondering why he doesn’t miss you… make sure that you are someone who you would actually miss. No one misses the sloppy, sad, mascara-running, validation-seeking, inebriated girl who is yelling at them and probing them for info. No one misses an ex who cries uncontrollably, threatens them, and texts their friends. Do you know who unglues a toxic ex? The classy woman who speaks with her actions, stays on her white horse, and knows when to fold.
- When you do drink, make sure you have a real friend (not a fake one) that truly cares for you enough to keep you in check. You need someone that will keep your phone away from you if needed and will listen to you when you get sad (as opposed to allowing you to wander off and reach out to your ex).
- I know that you are missing your ex, but know that if you reach out to him in any way, especially if you are drunk, you are saying with your actions… “It’s a good thing that you broke up with me because I have no limits, standards, or self-respect.” You are also giving someone, who is far from deserving, a giant ego boost. You are giving him all the power. This makes you look pathetic, unattractive, and desperate.
- If for any reason, you run into him and you’ve had a few, don’t be overly nice and don’t be overly rude. Keep your cool. Remind yourself that if you can get through the pain of your breakup, you can get through a few awkward moments. I don’t care if you go to the bathroom and cry your eyes out right after. When you are around him, be cool. How do you “act cool?” Imagine you had your favorite celebrity or musician or whoever your ultimate guy is waiting for you at home, in your bed. If you knew this guy was waiting for you at home and you ran into your ex, I hope you’d be in a hurry. You’d be happy and you wouldn’t give a rip about his small-time games and trying to “out nice” and “out mature” one another. You’d just be your agenda-less self. You’d be happy because you have your dream guy waiting at home, so you would just want to say hi and move on right away. THAT’S how you have to be if you run into your ex.
- If you can keep your cool, make the commitment to not get drunk, and be mindful of the fragile state you’re in, you’ll start to build your self-esteem and self-respect back.
- If you’ve fallen off your white horse and reached out, it’s okay. You can forgive yourself.
Most importantly, FEEL every ounce of your feelings. Just like the buzz from having a drink…
The pain is here to pass – not to stay.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your breakup, please look into working with me here.