Before I get into the signs of dating a pathological liar, I want to give you some background on my own personal experiences with lying.
I was never a pathological liar but I definitely used to be a compulsive liar.
Early in my childhood, lying became a habit that soon became a way of life. I had well-intended parents who taught me not to lie but in my little mind, there was no other choice. As I grew up, so did my self-deception, insecurities, and ability to paint an entirely different picture than, unbeknownst to me, most people could see right through. The lying continued well into my teens and early twenties. I didn’t have the awareness that I do now, but I knew the difference between right and wrong. The extent to which we will justify the wrong of lying in the name of emotional survival is incredible. I had to lie.
Without lying, everyone would be in on the joke that I embarrassingly tried to be the only one in on…
The fact that I was a joke.
There are a million reasons why I felt like I had no choice but to lie at such a young age. And there are a million more reasons why I continued to lie as a teenager and young adult.
A lot of them had to do with the atmosphere I grew up in. A lot of it had to do with witnessing the adults lie and being around certain family members who were so insecure themselves, they got satisfaction from being the “Gotcha!” police. They would shame me to others behind my back in the name of expressing concern – instead of having a genuine concern to ask me if I was okay.
Ultimately, no one made me lie. I chose to.
If you’re lying, you’re lonely.
The root of the weed that lying is, will always be the liar’s belief that they are not enough. And there is no lonelier place to be than the space of feeling like you have no worth.
If I didn’t feel like my truth was so pathetic, I would never have felt the need to compulsively lie.
Anyone who lies habitually is on a self-made life raft that deflates very quickly until another lie is told.
Having one identity is tough enough but when you lie, you have to keep up with multiple ones. These identities are birthed by your shame, anger, fear of rejection, fear of judgment, insecurities, and pain. The funny thing is, I lied to keep people around when all it did was turn off the right people, trigger my abandonment issues, and in turn, attract toxic people who exploited the very insecurities that required me to lie on the compulsive level that I was.
How I stopped being a compulsive liar is another post for another time. I basically started to become more worried about the effects of my lies than people just knowing the truth. I got so sick of myself, my oversharing, the drama I had created, and my own bullsh*t, that the truth started to become less scary. I realized that although people may be hurt, disgusted, happy, sad, etc., from hearing my truth… At least they’d respect me for being honest. I then started to attract better people and better relationships in my life.
By taking this step to improve myself, I had simultaneously improved the relationship with myself. Over time, I started to build respect for myself.
Self-respect and pathologically (or compulsive) lying cannot coexist.
When it comes to dating or any kind of relationship, the level to which you deceive yourself will always mirror the toleration you have for others deceiving you.
If you engage in self-deception, you will be that much more susceptible to excuse others when they lie to you.
You will hold onto the little crumbs of truth in their lies because deep down, you don’t believe that you are good enough for the whole truth. And so, you work harder to understand them instead of folding and getting the f*ck out of Dodge.
We all lie from time to time. According to a study at the University of Massachusetts, sixty percent of people cannot even have a 10-minute conversation without lying at least one time.
However…
There’s a big difference between dating someone who has occasionally lied and someone who is a compulsive liar or even worse, a pathological liar.
When lying gets out of control, it is referred to as compulsive. It can also be pathological. Although the definitions are fluid, I do think that there are differences. Either way, a relationship with a pathological liar or a compulsive liar will be the worst relationship of your life. The relationship that you have with them will be just as bad as the one they have with themselves. You can never “rescue” a liar. You can only get away. It is impossible to have a genuine connection, relationship, or any kind of intimacy with these people.
A Compulsive Liar vs. A Pathological Liar
A compulsive liar will habitually exaggerate and embellish in an effort to be seen, heard, and inflate their fragile ego. A pathological liar will lie for many of the same reasons, but when you realize that they’re lying and call them out on it… they will continue to lie and not feel bad about it. Upon being called out, a pathological liar will reveal more unbelievable details within their obnoxious stories. Even when they are presented with irrefutable evidence and all of the proverbial receipts, they’ll keep it going. And it will make you feel crazy. This is how pathological lying works.
A compulsive liar lies to feel more important. A pathological liar lies as a form of manipulation to get their way while robbing you of your ability to trust. They are manipulative, clever, sheisty, crafty, and most of the time, have their own selfish agenda and a self-serving goal in mind when they lie. Everyone is a ladder to them. They are empathetically bankrupt and have no concern for the feelings and emotional well-being of others – even their romantic partners, family, and friends. They don’t care about anything other than their own needs and agenda.
Compulsive liars are uncomfortable with the truth and will lie for what seems like no reason or end goal. Pathological liars have a selfish agenda. Both feel incredibly small and operate on their own level of insecure delusion.
You will never be able to tell when these people being honest and when they are bullsh*tting you. Unlike a compulsive liar, there are far less tell-tale signs with a pathological liar.
Pathological liars are much more fearless. They lie about things you would never imagine someone could ever or would ever lie about.
Here are 10 signs that you’re in a relationship with a pathological liar…
1. No matter what a pathological liar claims, they are all about themselves.
It doesn’t matter how much they try to come across as empathetic and selfless. A pathological liar tells very theatrical stories and can be very grandiose. They love feeling like the big man/woman on campus and they get off to triangulating, creating drama, and inciting jealousy. The more people they can get to fight over them and fight for their attention, the better. They are highly narcissistic and have sociopathic tendencies, if not full-blown sociopathy. To you, it will seem like they pedestal everyone but you.
2. They are highly competitive and have an intense fear of failure.
They may not seem outwardly competitive but internally, they have to win at all costs. Your success is NOT theirs. When you win or accomplish anything, they congratulate you but passively downplay it. Because they are so insecure, everything is a competition and they can never be genuinely happy for other people.
For them, winning is a matter of emotional life and death. They have to lie because they don’t believe in themselves enough to get real, be honest, and actually have the courage to become what they fabricate.
With a pathological liar, failure is to be avoided at all costs because it affirms the failure that deep down, they feel like they are. And when they do fail (which is more often than you think), they never learn from it. They just point fingers.
3. Very low self-esteem.
These people are cocky, not confident. There is a huge difference. And remember, cocky people do everything to appear to be the toughest, most secure, and the most desirable but they are the weakest, most insecure, inflated, and fragile. They hate who they are.
4. They are attention seekers.
They constantly need an ego boost and will flirt with anyone or anything that gives them a morsel of attention, validation, or response. They’ll even brag about the dog choosing their leg to hump.
5. A pathological liar will lie in ways that you would never expect.
They have no problem throwing others (even their own friends, co-workers, and family members) seriously under the bus to keep their lies going.
6. They use just enough of the truth to hook you into believing them.
A pathological liar will provide explanations that are sprinkled with just enough of the truth to mind f*ck you into ignoring your intuition and staying with them.
7. If they ever do admit to their lies, the pathological liar is usually still lying and creating new lies during their confession.
Although most pathological liars do believe their own lies, some do come clean. Don’t buy into it.
If there is ever a “coming clean” moment, it’s generally to gain sympathy and always a tactical admission, never empathetic.
Recently, a pathological liar told me (after admitting to some seriously disturbing lies), that she was now totallyincapable of telling a lie – ever again.
Not only is that unreasonable, but it’s yet another indicator of pure delusion. I would have so much more respect for someone who admitted to lying and expressed that they know they will naturally still struggle (because this has been a life-long habit) but they need compassion and support from loved ones to stay on track.
8. The relationships with their friends and family are unstable.
With a pathological liar, there is always some sort of drama, jealousy, misunderstanding, and falling out going on in their lives. These people also like to think that they have a ton of jealous “haters.”
9. They lie about the smallest things and also, they will lie about things that are so big and defamatory, you’d never believe they’d have the guts to actually lie on that level.
If someone is going to lie about the most minuscule and dumb thing that serves no purpose, they are most likely going to lie about other things that are bigger.
Keep your antennas up and know when to fold.
If they’re going to lie about big things that could potentially damage the reputation of others, believe me when I say, they’re lying about the small stuff too.
10. You feel crazy, guilty, uncool, “too harsh,” pathetic, and like you need to “get a life” when you’re around them.
Pathological liars are masters at…
- Distorting your reality (gaslighting).
- Ruining your ability to trust and then, labeling you as having “trust issues.”
- Deflection. They make you feel pathetic and crazy for trying to get verification on their ever-changing stories.
Bottom line: you deserve more and you know it.
Give one fraction of the love to yourself that you are giving anyone who tries to control your emotional weather via lies and you will no longer miss them. You’ll feel sorry for them.
Little by little, you’ll start missing YOU – the you who honored and valued his/her intuition instead of the person who allowed a pathological liar to piss on it while you kept telling yourself it was raining.
x Natasha
+ If you need further and more personalized help, please look into working with me here.
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Powerful and honest words! First let me say that I have HUGE respect as always for your honesty and ability to engage in self inventory! After being in, not one but two relationships with a compulsive then pathological liar, I decided to really look at myself and try and figure out why I was in this painful pattern of tolerating such behavior. For me, it was fear and an incredible lack of self worth .. then a loss of self respect. So I tried to “understand their pain” and why they would act this way. I played caretaker and wanted to “fix” the situation, them, and of course a good person forgives, right? I lost myself, made excuses for them, and then started to lie to myself and others. I finally walked away from it all.. the drama and pain that goes along with these types of relationships is gone. It was hard work and still is but I have learned setting boundaries does not make me a harsh person… just one that values her self respect.
Thankful for you and this tribe !
Judy
Thanks sister 🙂
Yup, I did the same. And I did this to others when I used to compulsively lie. It was terrible. I agree that for both parties, a lot of it is fear and a painful lack of self-worth.
Yes exactly – boundaries are there to protect you and anyone who views them as harsh, most likely has none (ourselves included).
Thank you for sharing, for being a part of this tribe and for being YOU – just as you are.
Big love to you Judy. XOX
Wow, this is one of the BEST things I have ever read! Describes my ex so well (I just dumped him properly after almost 2 years of bullshit) Ladies, if something seems too good to be true, it always is! I thought I was dating a beautiful, genuine, loving & caring divorced man with his own house. Well that’s what he told me… After a while it became evident that “his” house was still owned by him & the ex wife (9 years after separating!) and guess what? He never did get a divorce! He made me feel stupid & crazy because I always knew he was lying. When he finally admitted his lies (crying because he got caught) he said I was stupid for making such a big deal out of a “piece of paper.” Yeah, I dumped that asshole. He can cry in his beer, in his marital home, al alone. What an absolute wanker. I have a finely tuned bullshit antenna & if it can happen to me, it can happen to anybody. Dump these guys & regain your self respect!
YES!! THANK YOU so much for sharing Amanda. Happy that the post helped!
Love you, soul sister. Thanks for being a part of this tribe. xox
Hi Natasha. I have been married for less than two years now and now I’m realizing that my husband is a compulsive liar. He doesn’t admit it and hence he doesn’t care if his close family are hurt with his behavior. What to do?? I feel lonely and helpless. Help!
I wish that I could directly advise here in the comments but it’s impossible for me to do so. It depends on how aware he is of his compulsion to lie.
You are not alone. Seek professional help if needed. I love and believe in you Ipsita! xxo
Hey Judy,
I just read this post and it was every bit of the kind of person my wife is.. ( now my ex) she absolutely could not stop lying to me !! Even after the fact I hand evidence stacked up to the ceiling!! And of course she had a different story every time I confronted her.. It didn’t matter how kind and caring I was, she just couldn’t be honest about anything.
I mentioned to her to see a therapist but of course after the second session she would quit going because she didn’t like the therapist. This went on for 3-4 different therapist with a different excuse not to go, I then figured out she was uncomfortable with the therapist because they were getting too deep into her real self.
It took me 13 years to finally say, I can’t care for you anymore because you’re driving me crazy.. she couldn’t get out of the house fast enough to run down the street and see a neighbor who she had been seeing intermittently for the entire time we were married.
Anyways, we divorced on November 6th. I moved out on September 17th. And haven’t spoken a word to her since.
I did a lot of research on NPD. And she fit the profile to a tee!!
It’s sad how we can bullshit ourselves when our gut tells us something else. It took me 13 yrs. to put it all together. Since this fiasco I have re-located to Santa Fe New Mexico from Long Beach CA. I am doing quite well considering the circumstances, however, still healing from the betrayal of some one you thought you loved. It’s hard, but I’m sure I’ll be just fine now that I know what to look for not only in relationships but every day life.
✌️❤️
How do I know I am not just too insecure and she is actually cheating or a pathological liar? 7 years together but found out 1 month ago she cheated in the first year. Thanks,
Chris from Anaheim,California
Hi Chris!
I would need to know many more details. My coaching will open back up soon (I’d be happy to help more) and I will also, try to write about this more. Thank you for your kindness, understanding, and support.
You are not alone.
I am torn to pieces. I spent 7 years in a marriage to a liar. Shame…. embarrassment…lost.. My husband married me and never told me he had kids. Two years into the marriage after I had a miscarriage with twins he told me that his dead child came back to life (his words not mine). Then I found out that he owes child support arrears. Throughout the marriage he cried, lied says he want to go to therapy…. Last week I found out that he went to a hotel and checked in with a guest. He claimed he was by himself. Then I spoke to his family and they told me he told them we were getting a divorce . Lies.. lies. I am so sick to my stomach. It is hard to trust.
What an awesome article Natasha! I’m approaching the one year anniversary of being free from this type of person and when I read your article, with the perspective of time, it is absolutely on spot with accuracy! Thanks so much for all your support this last year, best one yet!
YAYYY 🙂 Happy it helped! Thanks K.M.
Love you XOXO
Thank you for every word of this, Natasha!! Yesterday I was being remorse-bombed nearly into submission by my emotionally-unavailable, narcissistic ex after the fourth week of me enacting airtight no-contact; I took a look at PMS and read a bunch of past entries to shore my resolve. Reading this today was like gulping from a firehouse while the embers of emotional weakness were smoldering in my emotional basement (I’m not good with metaphors). If I was a tattoo person, I’d have “the level to which you deceive yourself will always mirror the toleration you have for others deceiving you” inked on my arm today. A gift from the universe!!
I absoluely love your metaphor Susan :)!! & I love YOU.
So happy that this post (and the blog) have helped. You are never, ever alone.
All my love to you soul sis. xx
Yes yes yes yes and yes. My ex ex was a pathological liar. At the beginning I caught him in the ‘little’ lies. Then the big lies. Then witnessnessed the lies being told to others. The question is…. why the F did I stay? I explained away the lies over and over for years and accepted his excuses when I called him out. Pathetic. Until I didn’t. The last lie was it for me. I walked out. Told him to donate anything I left behind and never looked back. Many wasted years but to this day it still feels empowering to have walked out. (Calmly btw) Just like that. 100% Red Flag. Run.
Don’t walk.
Thank you for your honest post Natasha.
Good for you Sonja. Thank YOU so much for sharing and for connecting with me and my experiences, feelings, and pain.
I have been through the same and looking back, I really do feel like making an excuse for deception is no different than a lie.
So proud of and happy for you. Thank you for being you. Love you XOX
Dear Natasha,
How on earth did you find out I was reeling precisely from this?! No words to convey what I went through. Only that I escaped.
Love you for being you.
Anne,
I am so happy that it served you and that you got out/flushed. Love you too! xx
I’ve been so confused by my ex’s lying ways ever since we broke up seven months ago. Nothing I’ve read has clarified his insanity to me, and somehow let me off the hook… finally!…like this article did. I can’t thank you enough for sharing your thoughts. I feel more peace tonight than I have in well over a year. The universe blessed me with you tonight. All my best wishes to you.
The best gift you could ever give me is your peace, happiness, clarity, and love. Thank YOU from the bottom of my heart Gail. I am so happy and honored to help. XOX
Beautiful, Natasha. Written with love as always. Xx ????
Love you xxxx
Helllo Natasha.
This was excellent! It is easy for me to see this type of person now. It was the definition of most of the boys I dated. I say boys because that is what they were. Not real men.
Thank you so much for all you share. Love you and wish you a Happy Valentines Day. ????????
You are a blessing. ?
Linda! I miss and love you <3 So happy that it's now easy for you to detect this toxicity. Can't wait to hug you sister.
It takes one to know one 🙂 xox
I used to be a compulsive liar myself, which probably has a lot to do with having married a pathological liar. I have always known he lies, but it seems to have worsened as time goes on. He lies all of the time and it doesn’t matter how insignificant the subject is. I have called him out hundreds of times and he will agree that he is lying, but he will not stop no matter what and will even lie to cover his lies. I basically do not believe anything he says. Is there no way to redeem a person like this? Is there truly no cure? I cured myself from compulsive lying, why can’t he be cured?
Hi Natasha. My wife is caught it in this situation. For the 12 years of our relationship I’ve been a compulsive liar.
How did you change?
I touch on it in the article a bit but will try to write about that soon! Thanks for the recommendation Tom.
Thanks.
Unfortunately I think it’s too late. Reading others write about living with / being with compulsive liars is really difficult – and heartbreaking.
I only wish I had changed earlier – I’ve been given chance after chance
You Hello Natasha, I’m not sure if this link works still but I hope it does. I have lived with a pathological liar for years now. From day one she lied to me and nearly 14 years later nothing has changed. I would rack my brain thinking it was me, even to the point she called me paranoid. When I confronted her after catching her out she would become aggressive and make out it was my fault. A lot of the words and phrases you used in your piece made me smile (grimmice) because I have used them but nothing changes. Funny enough her name is Natasha as well. Stupid little lies and absolutely unbelievable big lies with a grain of truth to keep me on the hook. As you said even when confronted and she apologised there is a lie underneath waiting to be found out. Most recent, was our joint account we opened. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t get a PIN number or any statements 18 months after opening the account. Eventually I went in the bank only to find the account was empty. Again when I confronted her (with written evidence) I got oh I’m sorry I will pay it back. No remorse or admission of guilt, to the point of making out it was my fault in front of her mother. I often wonder what she is saying to people behind my back. I was never allowed to meet any of her friends. I could go on forever
Michael,
I am so sorry you’ve been going through this nightmare. Please protect yourself and seek professional help/protection as this does not sound safe in any regard. You are not alone.
I feel your pain. My partner lied he hadn’t been trash talking me to his family. Then I found out what was said (not from him). I gave him several chances to come clean. Not only did he deny it, he doubled down and said he would never do something like that and how horrible people are that do that. I thought I was going to vomit. I question EVERYTHING he ever tells me. I such a defeated feeling. He says he will change then I catch him again. No remorse, just hosile anger for having been exposed.
Hi,
I am living in a horrible horrible nightmare that is coming true and getting worse and worse by the day.
Tonight I have just found out my husband has taken a job in Western Australia, we live in NSW.
He doesn’t know that I know, I found out this information from one of our daughters IPads that has his email on it. This is the worst thing he has hidden from me.
It was an Essential Worker letter for Corona virus travel restrictions that states he will be entering WA for work in the mines 3 weeks on and 1 week off. It also states he will be permanently relocating to WA next week
When I was reading this I felt as if I was actually physically being hurt my heart is broken into a million pieces. I’m pretty sure he is not going to tell me before he leaves and if he does it will be over the phone or at the airport.
I don’t want him to go we have 2 young daughters they will be absolutely devastated. I know that this is so fucked up but I don’t know what to do.
I know I have no self esteem or respect for myself and sound so stupid he has slowly chipped away all of that
I am hurting so much right now, how do I get through this. He won’t tell me anything I’ve done wrong or that’s upset him I need to know I need closure
Please I need advice, please be kind I don’t think I can take much more
My husband is a liar. I’m almost certain that not only he has cheated on me and played me for a fool, but he has had major issues with drugs for almost our entire marriage. He is a master manipulator. I’m divorcing. After two other relationships where men fucked with my head, I have no hope. He was my last hope. At this point I expect them all too either abuse, cheat, or lie. My husband has done all of the above. I no longer love him, but the person I thought I loved never existed to begin with. After everything I have already been through I hate him for the destruction he created in my head and heart. The years I wasted with him will never return to me and I leave bitter, discontented, and with a complete lack of respect for such a toxic human being.
My husband started lying the night before we married by presenting himself as someone he was not. Over the years it got worse. Lies about women. Why he was late picking up our kids,etc. The last straw was the porn on the computer. Sent him for treatment only to have the lies start again with him being a victim. I walked away. Enough is enough. Learning to trust again is tough. Being poor is tough but my life is SO much better. Leave the liars behind. So not worth it and they can’t stop.
Natasha thank you for this. Your bottom line is remarkable as is the entire article. By posting your experiences, we as a tribe of survivors can only grow and get bigger and bigger as a network, and this in turn makes us better and better at discovering ourselves, and our lost intuition, and how to take it back.
*Ruining your ability to trust and then claiming you have trust issues.
*Making you feel pathetic and small for trying to verify their ever-changing stories.
* If they do admit lies, they are creating new li=es during their confession.
*They will provide explanations with just enough of the truth to mind feck you and get you to question your own intuition into staying with them.
Thank you for putting this in writing for all of us to experience the calling of the truth inside us.
Thanksgiving wishes to you.
Gina,
I am in tears writing back to you. Tears of joy and so much gratitude. Thank you for taking the time to share and thank you for being a part of this tribe. I’m so happy that the post helped ♥️ It’s what I live for. I just want to give everything that I wish I had. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your loved ones. Thank you for existing. Love you xo
Thanks, Natasha for your great article here. I am a guy and will say that my ex is a path. liar. I caught her in more lies the other day, about her seeing another guy in SC. Well…we broke up more than two years ago, after I had strongly suspected she was seeing other guys. Yes, GUYS, not just one other guy, multiple guys. She continued to lie about spending time with friends and family, or her hobbies, or working out, when I realized there were other dudes. She would do “harmless flirting” at parties or get-togethers, then when I got upset about it, tell me I was the one being “jealous and insecure”. Really?? I catme to realize who she was over time: a sad, pathetic 60-something who craved attention from other guys. A malignant narc. like her mother. The last time I confronted her, after again trying to be friends with her, she got very upset and dumped me. Please stay away from these people, whether you are a man or woman. They are toxic in so many ways and you will slowly lose your self-confidence and mind to them. MOVE ON and do NOT look back. Often these narcs. are habitual cheaters as well, and blame their partners for their misdeeds, when in reality they are the ones always on the make, looking for narc. supply on the side. Don’t be their side-chick!! If you catch them in multiple lies, kick them to the curb and move on.
Hi Don,
I wish I could hug and high-5 you at the same time. This kind of toxicity does not discriminate against age, stage in life, gender or orientation.
Thank you *so much* for taking the time to reach out and for being a part of this tribe. I have many male readers but they don’t comment as much and I just want you to know how much you are helping other men (and readers in general, regardless of gender) feel less alone and empowered. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. This is what I live for.
And in response to your comment… AMEN!!
I am so incredibly sorry that you’ve had to go through this all but so happy that you found a way OUT of the toxicity and BACK to your power and peace; BACK to remembering who the f*ck you are!
I hope that this finds you and your loved ones healthy and safe. Take care my friend and happy holidays!
Hi Natasha,
I am struggling to bring to an end the relationship that I have with my partner of 5 years. We have a beautiful daughter, and she is the reason I am struggling so. It was apparent early on that my partner was lying- a lot- but I kept pushing back confronting her because we are raising a young child together. My worry about the damage she might do to our daughter with her compulsive, sometimes pathological lying WITHOUT me there full time is what is keeping me in the relationship. I feel utterly trapped, and am dying emotionally. I want so badly to protect our daughter. I am absolutely guilty of hoping to understand and somehow “rescue” my partner. She did indeed have an emotionally unstable, traumatic childhood with abusive parents, and I’ve been telling myself for years that if I can just be more empathetic I can help guide her towards honesty. It’s clear now that will never happen. If I get out of the relationship, I am still looking at a lifetime of co-parenting with her. How can I best protect my daughter from her mother’s narcissism and lying? Please point me to any available resources. My only goal is to protect our daughter. Thank you for for this article. It at least gave me the courage to write some of this down for the first time.
James,
What an incredible man, Father, and partner you are. I am sure you have made your own mistakes, we ALL have, and we are ALL imperfect but your empathy and compassion amidst a very painful and confusing environment are admirable.
I know how badly you want to protect your daughter and I understand your concerns.
I can help you with this. My coaching will open back up soon. Make sure you are subscribed to my email list so that you get notified when a new post is posted. When I publish a new post, I will reopen my coaching until it books up again.
I wish I had the time to write out everything that I want to say; it is impossible for me to directly advise in the comments (thank you for your understanding and kindness) but I am happy to help you and also, point you in the direction of a few others I know you are very knowledgable in this area as well.
You are not alone my friend. I’m happy that this post helped you. Thank you for sharing and by doing so, helping others feel less alone, more seen, and capable of making moves in a very paralyzing situation.
All my love to you.