At my lowest point, my identity became “what everyone else wanted to do/think/plan/be.” I didn’t know how to stop being a doormat.
I would be doing or saying something and as I was doing/saying it, I would think to myself “what am I doing here? I don’t even WANT to be doing/saying this!” I cared way too much about what people thought of me. And because I was more invested in being what everyone else needed me to be, I was unable to address my own needs.
I started to hate myself.
“I can’t tell you the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.” – Ed Sheeran
People-pleasing boils down to feeling like you’re never enough. And whether you want to admit it or not, because you feel like you’re not good enough, you over-compensate through your “please-tell-me-how-high-to-jump,” actions. You attract toxic relationships that require the door matting of yourself and pedestal building others. Once you get to this point, you don’t know how to stop being a doormat.
You then start to believe that your opinions, wants, needs, and voice does not matter and never will. You’d rather be liked and under-valued than have a backbone and potentially be rejected right then and there. People-pleasing makes you a prime candidate for emotionally unavailable relationships, narcissistic partners, and fake friendships.
If you want to know how to stop being a doormat and reclaim your life, here are 5 steps to kick the people-pleasing for good…
- You don’t owe anyone anything. Being a doormat will make you approach every situation, relationship, and person as though you owe them something. If you treat people as though you owe them something, it’s because deep down, you don’t feel like you’re enough. You then, end up making promises that you can’t fulfill, white lying, embellishing, creating unnecessary drama, and doing things that you don’t want to do – just because you feel like you have to compensate for the fact that you have an existence. You are MORE than enough. You don’t have to be a “yes” person and you don’t need to treat anyone as though you owe them anything. You can figure out how to stop being a doormat NOW. When I was little, I touched a hot stove once and got burned badly. I’ve never touched a hot stove since. When I had a health scare years and years ago, I put down the cigarettes for good. Changed happened in an instant because I knew that I needed to change. Change is one decision away. What takes a long time is convincing our low self-esteem selves that we’re capable of the change. Just do it because guess what? You CAN. You’re never going to be at the end of your life one day, thankful that you didn’t change and that you continued to be a people-pleasing doormat.
- Understand that if you’re going to be successful, disappointing people is inevitable. There’s no way around it. Just like you can’t run without your heart rate increasing, you can’t be successful while simultaneously being everyone’s cup of tea. If you have truly made the decision to be successful, you must accept that people WILL be disappointed, offended, angry, resentful, and critical. I’ve finally built enough momentum in my own life to where I’m deeply gratified and motivated by what I do. I’m working toward something; I have a goal. It doesn’t matter to me what others think because I know that the second I deviate from my commitment to success, I can’t evolve. Do I think that I’m this huge success already? Well, YES. Yes, because I define success like Earl Nightingale did: “Success is really nothing more than the progressive realization of a worthy ideal. This means that any person who knows what they are doing and where they are going is a success. Any person with a goal towards which they are working is a successful person.” That’s right, PROGRESSIVE. As long as you’re progressing toward a worthy goal or ideal, guess what? You’re a f*cking success. And as long as you’re a success, you will ALWAYS disappoint others because not everyone can progressively realize their goals without getting discouraged and self-sabotaging.
- Make the decision that you’d rather have an honest opinion and be REMEMBERED than be a liked/agreeable doormat and be FORGOTTEN. Period.
- Remember that you should never have to beg to help, love, and care for anyone. If you find yourself doing this it’s because you can’t do it for yourself.
- Get rid of expectations in your relationships and start expecting from yourself. I don’t have any expectations when it comes to other people. I expect from myself that if I am treated poorly, I will have the boundaries to ACT accordingly while staying on my white horse.
When you decide to extinguish the people-pleasing, you put an end to being a doormat and taking the behavior of others personally.
What you need to take personally is the relationship that you have with yourself.
Do you ever notice how the people who mind their own business, are kindly honest and have their own backs always get their asses kissed?
It’s because the ponies know a stallion when they see one. And even if they can’t be a stallion, they sure as hell want to be associated with one. Stop trying to be associated with stallions by means of people-pleasing and just BE unapologetically and kindly YOU. You were BORN a stallion.
You are more than enough and you CAN kindly speak up. I promise you, the world will adjust and the sky won’t fall…
A whole new universe will OPEN.
Written by: Natasha Adamo
