At my lowest point, my identity became “what everyone else wanted to do/think/plan/be.” I didn’t know how to stop being a doormat.
I would be doing or saying something and as I was doing/saying it, I would think to myself “what am I doing here? I don’t even WANT to be doing/saying this!” I cared way too much about what people thought of me. And because I was more invested in being what everyone else needed me to be, I was unable to address my own needs.
I started to hate myself.
“I can’t tell you the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.” – Ed Sheeran
People-pleasing boils down to feeling like you’re never enough. And whether you want to admit it or not, because you feel like you’re not good enough, you over-compensate through your “please-tell-me-how-high-to-jump,” actions. You attract toxic relationships that require the door matting of yourself and pedestal building others. Once you get to this point, you don’t know how to stop being a doormat.
You then start to believe that your opinions, wants, needs, and voice does not matter and never will. You’d rather be liked and under-valued than have a backbone and potentially be rejected right then and there. People-pleasing makes you a prime candidate for emotionally unavailable relationships, narcissistic partners, and fake friendships.
If you want to know how to stop being a doormat and reclaim your life, here are 5 steps to kick the people-pleasing for good…
- You don’t owe anyone anything. Being a doormat will make you approach every situation, relationship, and person as though you owe them something. If you treat people as though you owe them something, it’s because deep down, you don’t feel like you’re enough. You then, end up making promises that you can’t fulfill, white lying, embellishing, creating unnecessary drama, and doing things that you don’t want to do – just because you feel like you have to compensate for the fact that you have an existence. You are MORE than enough. You don’t have to be a “yes” person and you don’t need to treat anyone as though you owe them anything. You can figure out how to stop being a doormat NOW. When I was little, I touched a hot stove once and got burned badly. I’ve never touched a hot stove since. When I had a health scare years and years ago, I put down the cigarettes for good. Changed happened in an instant because I knew that I needed to change. Change is one decision away. What takes a long time is convincing our low self-esteem selves that we’re capable of the change. Just do it because guess what? You CAN. You’re never going to be at the end of your life one day, thankful that you didn’t change and that you continued to be a people-pleasing doormat.
- Understand that if you’re going to be successful, disappointing people is inevitable. There’s no way around it. Just like you can’t run without your heart rate increasing, you can’t be successful while simultaneously being everyone’s cup of tea. If you have truly made the decision to be successful, you must accept that people WILL be disappointed, offended, angry, resentful, and critical. I’ve finally built enough momentum in my own life to where I’m deeply gratified and motivated by what I do. I’m working toward something; I have a goal. It doesn’t matter to me what others think because I know that the second I deviate from my commitment to success, I can’t evolve. Do I think that I’m this huge success already? Well, YES. Yes, because I define success like Earl Nightingale did: “Success is really nothing more than the progressive realization of a worthy ideal. This means that any person who knows what they are doing and where they are going is a success. Any person with a goal towards which they are working is a successful person.” That’s right, PROGRESSIVE. As long as you’re progressing toward a worthy goal or ideal, guess what? You’re a f*cking success. And as long as you’re a success, you will ALWAYS disappoint others because not everyone can progressively realize their goals without getting discouraged and self-sabotaging.
- Make the decision that you’d rather have an honest opinion and be REMEMBERED than be a liked/agreeable doormat and be FORGOTTEN. Period.
- Remember that you should never have to beg to help, love, and care for anyone. If you find yourself doing this it’s because you can’t do it for yourself.
- Get rid of expectations in your relationships and start expecting from yourself. I don’t have any expectations when it comes to other people. I expect from myself that if I am treated poorly, I will have the boundaries to ACT accordingly while staying on my white horse.
When you decide to extinguish the people-pleasing, you put an end to being a doormat and taking the behavior of others personally.
What you need to take personally is the relationship that you have with yourself.
Do you ever notice how the people who mind their own business, are kindly honest and have their own backs always get their asses kissed?
It’s because the ponies know a stallion when they see one. And even if they can’t be a stallion, they sure as hell want to be associated with one. Stop trying to be associated with stallions by means of people-pleasing and just BE unapologetically and kindly YOU. You were BORN a stallion.
You are more than enough and you CAN kindly speak up. I promise you, the world will adjust and the sky won’t fall…
A whole new universe will OPEN.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.
I know I’m PMS obsessed because AS I WAS READING one of your posts, I went back to the homepage and saw that you had a new post up ? This post has literally changed and in many ways saved my life and gotten me off of a very destructive path. You have a gift my dear and I can’t wait for your book. Can’t wait to see your beautiful face on Oprah’s super soul Sunday one day soon. This is just the beginning. Thank you ??
I am so thankful for you Natasha and for this tribe and community you have so lovingly created. Thanks from across the pond 🙂
I always say this, but this is seriously my favorite of all your posts. WOW. Totally blown away. Thanks girl! You are everything and I am buying that dress! I already have the shoes ???
Love this post and love YOU. Thank you for your kindness and amazing spirit. I feel like this was for ME ??
This really reminded me of how I used to be when I was younger, willing to do anything to be liked by my friends and family. I was putting everyone else’s happiness before mine and over time I became sort of a door mat, always just trying to please everyone. But in the process, I felt like I had lost respect from everyone. It took a really harsh situation, an ultimatum from my roomate declaring that my boyfriend was not allowed to come over to our apartment anymore for no reason that it opened my eyes how far it had gone. I moved out and since then I never looked back or let anyone treat me like a door mat anymore. Thank you for this reminder that we always need to be strong, independent and have a voice!
YES! I could not agree more. Thanks for sharing Laura! You are an inspiration 🙂
So well said. I honestly get so much out of every article you writet. You have a firm supporter in me:-)
🙂 thanks beautiful! xoxoxo
Goodness gracious Natasha! You mapped out the answers to most of my questions. Thanks a million gazillion for this post it makes me question the people in my life and wonder why they are actually my friend. As I get older, I realize the harder it is to make genuine friends or even be in a relationship. Then you start to think well, does most people have hidden agendas??? I have come across far too many people with those hidden agendas and it’s like they know when you prey on those people pleasers. I am one of them! I people please and continuously say yes yes yes. I’m sick of it! I start to understand why my dad walks around taking peoples word for things with a grain salt. You can’t expect too much and when you cant expect much, DON’T offer much. Rule of thumb. I don’t speak up at all. It’s so bad that sometimes, when I’m taking the train home that people can be so effing inconsiderate where they pretty much hog up two seats or they’re kind of leaning on me sometimes. And let me tell you all, most times I wouldn’t say not a thing. I’ll go through the entire train ride uncomfortable hoping that the person would notice they are being inconsiderate. I don’t know why it’s hard for me to speak up for myself, I’m so timid. Worried what people think is mainly a part of it. But that’s apart of looking for validation even from complete strangers on a train! Ridiculous. Bad habits need to die and like Natasha so famously says, that you have to want to change. You have to. It’s the ultimate decision and the ultimate prize.
Thank YOU sister! So happy that this helped! 🙂 xoxo
This is so inspiring! You hit the nail on the head as usual.
Thank you for guiding me and helping me through some of my toughest moments…I feel so lucky to have you and the blog in my life. <3 xoxo
Thank you ?? you Catherine!
This is my favorite post!! Natasha you are amazing!!?
Thanks beautiful!! ? xoxo
Hello Natasha! I just want to let you know that I have been reading your post every day in a month now, and its so unbelievable how similar we (people) are no matter where on earth we live!!!
“how to get out of the sh*t when you’ve gotten to a point where the pain of continuing to engage in people pleasing is beginning to outweigh the need to be liked, validated, loved & accepted.” (..)
“People pleasing boils down to feeling like you’re never enough. And whether you want to admit it or not, because you feel like you’re not good enough, you overcompensate through your “please-tell-me-how-high-to-jump,” actions, & subsequently attract relationsh*ts that require the door matting of yourself and pedestal building others” THIS is one on the wisest and precious things I have EVER read in my life, nearing myself to 40! I just have to tell you that I have been struggling with depression and now (recently) a bad breakup and heartache and all my sessions with a psychologist has never given me so much as your blog entries. I hope you will never stop writing for us. BIG THANK YOU Natasha for all your precious work!
You are going to make me cry. Thanks so much Emilia 🙂 I’m honored to have played a part in your healing and realizations. You are loved, understood, supported, believed in and never, EVER alone. Thank you for love, support, sisterhood and for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you soul sister. xoxo