Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
Let’s talk about rebound relationships. You know, that thing you’ll never label your ex as being in.
Why?
Because you are more comfortable convincing yourself that they’ve changed – that they are a better person in a better relationship with someone who’s everything you never were. Your insecurities can’t get you to believe that your ex is only capable of toxic relationships.
After breaking up, the next step is moving on. You may have even gotten to the point where you start to feel yourself getting better, thinking about him/her every few hours (instead of every second). And then…
You find out from a mutual friend that they’ve moved on.
This can’t be real.
It’s not a game but it feels like your ex just won. They beat you to it. All the progress you convinced yourself you’ve made is gone. You feel like a forgettable loser and brace yourself for the inevitable proposal that was supposed to be yours.
But maybe, this could actually be a good thing. You heard me.
Maybe the joke’s on your ex, karma is slowly kicking in, and he/she is in the biggest relationship joke of them all: the rebound.
What is a rebound relationship?
Rebound relationships are a specific type of toxic relationship that forms quickly after a breakup. They are generally with someone that your ex will claim (on social media especially) to be serious with, committed to, seeing a future with, loyal to, and emotionally invested in.
Rebound relationships are adult security blankets composed of 0% cotton and 100% self-serving avoidance of guilt, confrontation, responsibility, accountability, and reality.
Rebound relationships are nothing more than distractions. Period. The reason that they usually result in an epic fail is because of the very distraction they provide.
As long as you’re “distracted,” you never get to emotionally heal and deal. You don’t get the chance to better yourself by learning from your mistakes and evolving.
You are still the same toxic person in the same, non-mutual, toxic relationship – no matter who you’re with. This is how “bad luck” with relationships is developed and why people keep dating different animals but the same toxic species (and keep getting the same result). We are hesitant to label our ex as being in a rebound relationship because we are vulnerable and our only source of happiness has been taken away. It then becomes much easier to subscribe to the story that our ex is new and improved.
All of the insecurities that their behavior activated now seem valid. So WHY NOT believe that he/she happy?
It gives you a license to continue to remain invested through closeted and humiliating means. This does nothing but justifies your stalking, obsession, and further demolishes your confidence and sense of worth.
If you are now beginning to think, “My ex is in a rebound relationship”…
Here are the 5 signs that he/she is in one:
- They started the relationship before they ended it (or as they were ending it) with you.
Healthy relationships don’t come from a situation like this.
- If it’s been a relatively short amount of time (it’s all relative, but I like to say three months or less), since the breakup/last time he/she spoke with you… It’s highly likely that this is a rebound relationship.
The faster your ex moves on after the breakup, the more in denial, avoidant, and hurt he/she was (and is). If they start dating someone new right away, it’s an immediate cop-out from accountability (and from having to explain to everyone why they are still single). It saves them from having to explain to everyone why they have yet another failed relationship under their belt. It also provides a distraction from having to think about you, from having to be responsible, and from having to talk about you to inquiring family and friends. Think about it – because they’re dating someone else, they don’t have to explain to anyone why it didn’t work out with you (and generally, toxic people like this are so narcissistic, they don’t like having to view or talk about themselves/their actions in a negative way).
- Even if your ex doesn’t directly flaunt his/her new relationship, they make it known on social media that they are happy/changed/successful/”busy”/”enlightened,” etc.
This is nothing more than image managing and attention-mongering at its finest. It’s an attempt to see if they can still get a reaction out of you. If you freak out and start texting your ex, it does nothing but inflate their ego and make them feel like less of an a**hole for the breakup (because if someone truly screwed you over/broke your heart, you throwing a fit because they are with someone new translates to them that you still care. And if you still care, it means that he can’t be that bad of a person because if they were really that bad… you wouldn’t be giving them the time of day or giving a sh*t about who they are now giving theirs to). It also affirms that they made the right decision by breaking up with you.
- Friends/family/coworkers are surprised that he/she is in a new relationship already.
- The new partner is vastly different from you.
This proves the whole distraction factor even more.
Why do rebound relationships fail?
Rebound relationships fail because no evolution or change takes place on your ex’s end. No healing, no dealing. It’s hard to form a mutual, genuine, connected, and long-term relationship with someone where the relationship was either built on deception or has happened directly after a previous relationship has ended.
If your ex was a selfish, emotionally unavailable partner with you and they’re now dating someone after you’ve broken up…
You can bet that they are still the same person with their new partner – no matter what they post on social media. And it doesn’t matter how amazing their new partner is either. Ultimately, no one can make anyone change out of being who they are at the core. This is why many rebound relationships are short-lived and non-mutual.
I know it’s hard, but your ex moving on has absolutely nothing to do with you. The reason it feels like it’s all about you is because you’re tying your value to their behavior. You keep looking to them for validation. Just because they’ve made the decision to date someone new, that decision doesn’t devalue who you are. Someone else’s decisions and your value are two separate entities; completely independent of one another.
You’re giving this person too much credit.
Your ex is just as validation-hungry as you are except, he/she needed a quick distraction from having to address their own issues. So, they started to look for someone else to fool. Instead of dealing with their emotions in a healthy way, they chose to get involved in a rebound relationship because that’s what emotionally unintelligent, toxic people who are incapable of empathy DO. You chose to rise above the bs.
So what do you do now?
You stay on your white horse, remain non-reactive, and get out of the compare game.
How long do rebound relationships last?
I know it’s hard but this new fling will not last. Your ex is still the same disconnected person that he/she was before you, with you, and that they are continuing on to be. This is who they are. It doesn’t matter how amazing of a person you think they’re with or how convinced you are that they’ve really moved on and changed. They haven’t.
Go about your business and do your thing. Don’t give in to the urge to gossip to friends, analyze the crap out of what’s going on or contact them and play into the “desperate ex” part that he/she is so certain you’re going to play, their ego has already written the part for you.
Let them have their victim card. Don’t get preoccupied with being “right,” “heard,” “chosen,” or “winning.” If they treated you with an absence of respect, believe me when I say that there is absolutely nothing to “win.”
Every time you miss your ex, come here to the blog. Even if he/she gets married tomorrow, none of it is an indicator of a changed and evolved person. If that were the case, there would be no divorces in the world.
Change and evolution take time – time that you are no longer willing to waste by waiting around.
Are you done with toxic relationships and ready to attract (and be attracted to) healthy relationships? Do you want to connect with others on a deeper level than the comments below? Click here to become an Emotional Mastery Member and learn more. If you’re looking for more personalized, one-on-one help, you can work directly with Natasha Adamo here.
I seriously can’t stop with this post. It’s so good, I’ve bookmarked it. Thank you for changing and saving my life Natasha. I hope that you have a very happy 4th of July!
xoxo~ Jasmine
This blog helped me so much!! I’m really going through so much hurt….it’s so much harder for me to get over this breakup, bc we literally just had a baby together 6 months ago. We haven’t been broken up for a year, but I found out he’s been dating his new gf for almost a year. He says she’s his best friend and acts as if they are so happy. It hurts so bad bc we have to keep the communication flowing for our child. I’ve had to be so strong, not just for our daughter, but for myself. It sucks, but I know I have the strength to get through this. Just to think how he tore me down mentally while I was pregnant bc he really wanted to be with her. Thank you for this…bc it has really changed my way of thinking about things!!
Omg, Chase. What an inspiration you are. “It sucks, but I know I have the strength to get through this.” – YES. YOU.DO.
And this tribe is behind you, 100%.
So happy that the post helped. xox
My ex and I broke up 4 months ago. He has already dated and posted about dating 3 new girls. He came back to me twice then left again. I stopped responding to him and stopped reacting (my mistake) to him dating. He has made no attempt to contact me. Even though I am hurting I see how much of an asshole he is. I just need to say he us such and asshole.
This post really helped me! My ex and I broke up 4 months ago and she got with another woman a friend of hers introduced her to less than a month after. She states she wanted to focus on herself and not a relationship and getting into med school. She wanted to remain friends so badly so I tired. She would tell me that They’re only having sex and hanging out. That sounds like dating to me. Recently I saw some gifts the woman had given her. And I lost it. Cut the friendship off. It feels like we’ve broke up again and it’s horrible. At the end of our relationship I had to beg for sex or to simply just touch her. And then less than a month later she’s already sleeping with someone else. She’s broken up with 5 times during a 2 year relationship. Each time I took her back with no problems. I treated her really good. She moved in with me and didn’t pay a single bill. Holidays suck for me since the first time she broke up with me was when she took me to meet her parents for Christmas. Said she wasn’t attracted to me anymore. But then wanted me back a month later. I’ve felt like I was the issue the whole time. Like I couldn’t do something good enough for her. Now, I see the new woman is a rebound. My ex is in a non committed relationship repeating toxic patterns. It’s so self serving. Who knows…maybe they’ll really last and the whole time she just didn’t love me and needed someone different. Either way…I’m gonna get my self esteem back! I’m going to get the woman of my dreams and be happy in a functional relationship when it’s my time! It feels like she won today. But if that’s what winning looks like, I’d rather lose.
HELL YES!!! Monique, I cannot thank you enough for sharing. You have no idea how many people you are helping by taking the time to share.
The real “win” was losing your ex. You can never lose a toxic person, just like you can never lose crap in the toilet. There are no losses in this situation.
Congrats on WINNING a clean relational toilet. Bravo! All my love to you, soul sister. xox
I was in.a relationship for over 5 years with someone that I loved very much and still do. I was always committed to the process of us working our issues and gave him many chances to step up and make a difference. He decided to seek and live with another woman about a year ago while we were apart working our problems and I found out about it. I again, gave him a chance believing he was sorry and that he loved me. Not a month went by since that and he started acting as if he was the unhappy one not getting his needs met and that was unhappy while I was the one (despite not putting up with his behavior), the one making the sacrifices to be together. I ended up breaking up with him to then find out about a week or two later he had moved in with another different woman. It’s been very hard for me because I was still emotionally invested and I am still are. He continues to lie and be in denial on his actions and claiming he still loves me but won’t let go of what he has. He’s proven to be a selfish self centered narcissist that will never accept truth even if put in front of him. I hope to God that all the pain I feel right now rebounds to him the same way he rebounded to someone else.
JH,
Wife and I together for 11 years, married for 6. She started chatting online with a guy she used to work with many years ago. We have 3 small kids. She had me watch the kids so she could go on a series of back to back vacations with her Mom. Come to find out she was flying to his home in Michigan and cheating on me. I thought we were so close, so tight, and shared a super special bond, wrong!. I found her luggage tags and hotel receipts, food receipts and even though her tubes were supposed to be tied, I found packages of Ovulation tests and pregnancy tests. She admitted to sleeping with him numerous times, even in his truck as he’s an OTR Trucker. She began talking on the phone with him, right in front of me, has Ed Shearan’s “Perfect” as her ring tone for him and her screen saver is a picture of him. Of course, this broke my heart, but Limerence had set in and she didn’t care about me at all. In August she tells me that she’s taking the kids to Vegas with Mom. The night before they left, my lil girl (5), tells me, “I’m moving to Michigan and I’m going to have anew daddy”. I almost fainted. So much pain, betrayal and rejection. She say’s I was a great daddy and husband, but she’s love’s this new guy, always wanted to be with him and wants to spend her life with him. They all moved, my whole family, into his home in Michigan. Came completely out of the blue, I’m crushed and devastated. Karma IS A BITCH, and one day, I hope she feels the agony and strife that she placed upon me,,,,hang in there.
Yes..had to look read or research and understand why someone dearly would ever go back to an x’s . So, while I’m dating this guy and working for maybe a relationship. I find out today as he text me this” I’m so sorry Elizabeth one of my old girlfriend want me to move in with her and i said yes. I feel real bad about you I wasn’t trying to hurt you trust me ok. you made me feel so loved.” yes i was so hurt and confused in how someone could go back after telling me that he has never been loved as he is with me. So, i reach out to find out why someone would make this kind of decision as a man point of view? Thanks had to share this with other women.
I know your pain to have a baby newborn baby by him and the pain is like that pain going to linger on he shouldn’t have treated you or did you that way if he didn’t love you he should have been there he just left you with a baggage if I were you I find some sort of way to get him out of your life even though you got the baby while the baby is so young you can take a break you don’t have to talk to him for a couple of years that way you heal and find you somebody else before the baby get up in age to know his dad
just recently found out that my girlfriend of almost 5 years, I am a mid-thirties, her and her upper 20s, is now dating and almost 60-year-old broke nasty trailer trash dude that is pretty much my dad’s age, and not only that but is recently just giving birth to his kid, I don’t even know or can even begin to describe to know how this is supposed to make me feel or reflect upon how she felt about our relationship
John,
I am so sorry that you’re going through this. I have been in a similar situation, and all I can say is that this is your protection. And it sounds like it will wind up being her karma. You are not alone, my friend.
This is the exact same thing I am dealing with. I have a 2 year old. We broke up exactly last year. Now he’s living with his gf and they have been together a year … so what does that tell me. He was planning this and it was pre planned. It still hurts. I’m still single and just am having no luck. I had a boyfriend 7 months after and he got physical with me. My baby dad had cheated on me a few times and all I wanted to do was have my family.
YASSS! Holy WOW. You nailed it once again and you look so fierce in those pants. I read that someone said this in another comment on the last post, but you do really look exactly like Kate Beckinsale. Gorge!
My heart thanks you for this <3
Thishas been one of the most insightful explanations ever. Thank you for answering so many questions I had.
Happy it helped! Thanks Melanie 🙂 xo
So I really like the blogs and the messages behind them however I am a gay female so my story may differ from the norm. I have been kind of dating the same woman for 2 years now. Things have been difficult to say the least. Around Thanksgiving things started getting worse, she was completely absent yet invited me to Thanksgiving dinner. Long story short, she broke it off and then sent me a picture of her and her new woman and bragged about their sex life…without my asking of course. Had zero idea…zero…I might also mention she is an in denial alcoholic. My question is why the information? Why not just move on without the photo and the bragging?
It sounds like triangulation, but it’s impossible for me to advise here in the comments (I would need to know more details, etc., etc.). Feel free to visit my coaching page, and just know that you’re not alone.
Yup yup yup the inevitable conundrum of unanswered questions and tying my worth to what my ex might be in now, the famous unreliable source to move on “the rebound.” I’m very familiar and the term rebound. It is almost as similar to what the term rebound is used in basketball. In basketball, after someone attempts to shoot the ball, whether the player makes it in the hoop or not, the opposing team is suppose to grab the basketball quickly enough to bring it to their side of the court without the other team getting another advantage to shoot. In the same way, my ex went to grab a person (the rebound) at a fast pace to hopefully make a score. If my ex doesn’t score with taking advantage of the rebound, there is a chance he will be coming right back. To me. What’s different now, is that I saw the strategy my ex was trying to cook up because I was on the other side of the court watching him play. If and when he comes back, I won’t be that sucker. Not anymore. I’m done playing.
Melody – omg I am LOVING that analogy. Thank you for this amazing feedback!! x
This was exactly how my life was.i cared for her when she crashed.fed he’d to get better then the love and caring woman came back to life and it was everything we wanted until it started again over and over till she found someone else never gave me the decency of an explanation just four or five days of late night viscous texts about how I will miss her she is better than anyone I ever had she was educated I was with scum but never would reply back if I texted something finally her last text was I’m sorry I don’t want to hurt you.ithat moment I have not contacted or been in contact with her.it hurts like hell she has money of mine as we lived together she has said she will not Jim me but I stand occasionally thinking of her and if one day she will get better be better come back and life will be only like the great times.thank you I needed this. I need a therapist and need to move on not think like this.im really doing well healthy lifestyle very structured and she knows it.god bless
So glad I found your blogs! I’ve had a weird thing going on with a guy (in my 30s I should know better), who felt very insecure about how independent I am. We never labeled what we were doing but the chemistry was intense and I thought there was a mutual respect for one another. Then when I went on one of my week long hikes, which I like to do alone for therapy, he sulked, refused to talk about the hike and started dating someone else while I was gone and rubbed it in my face when I got back. It all felt very teenagery. Realising all the games he had been playing I decided to tell him I was walking away from the situation. He tried to firstly regain control by removing me off social media and gaslight me. When there was no reaction to that he was in a relationship in no time, plastering it all over social media (which he had since made public).
I have the difficulty in that I have to see him almost everyday at work, but I’m so glad I haven’t reacted. I go in, be polite and smiley, act normal around him like he’s just another person there. Whenever I start to feel a little insecure I come back to this blog which is such a helpful reminder of who he is and why I’m better off ❤️
What a class act and inspiration you are, Jodie.
I wish that I had the time to write everything that’s in my heart. There is nothing I could write back to you that would even come close to expressing my gratitude. THANK YOU for having the courage and taking the time to share. By doing so, you are helping countless others (who are too shy to comment or can’t find the words) feel less alone in their pain, situation, circumstances, and emotions. I am so glad that this blog has helped. I live to give everything that I wish I would have had.
Keep doing what you’re doing, sister. Thank you for you. XOX
Best article I’ve read dealing with a breakup and an ex. I feel like you hit the nail on the head.
Thank you so much. It looks like you helped so many other people, too.
This really, really was a great post and is helping me realize my worth. Thank you very much, Natasha. You are awesome.
Xoxo
My ex and I were together for 2 years. We had our ups and downs. One day i cane home to find out he had moved out and didnt even say anything to me. A few days later he called and said he left because he was tired of the fights and wasnt inlove with me anymore. A month later I found out he was back with his ex girlfriend whom he hadn’t seen in over 3 years. He even posted that he loved her on social media. 1 month after he breaks up with me. He is cruel and cold. But I’m so hurt by all this. I keep thinking that he never loved me and really loved her. Is he in a rebound relationship even if it’s with his ex girlfriend??
I’m very interested in this comment, I am in the very same situation. Me and my ex dated for 4-1/2 years. And shortly 2 weeks after she broke up with me she started talking to her ex of 2 years. When I first started dating her she said her ex had cheated on her on 2 occasions. So why is she with him now? Is this just a rebound?
I am in the same situation as well. My ex and I were together for 3 years. After we broke up he married his ex that he dated before me, 4 months later! When I met him, he told me that she cheated on him while he was deployed. I am crushed. She is the complete opposite of me. Not to mention that him and I were engaged too, with our whole wedding planned for July 10th, he married her on August 1st. He proposed to me on a beach on vacation and her on the roof of our house that we got together. He was always self-centered but it is so hard to believe that he can be so heartless. I know I made the right decision leaving him but it doesn’t change the fact that him moving on so fast has hurt me incredibly bad.
I can’t believe someone could do this to another human being. It’s so cruel.
You are not alone Dave <3
Thanks Tracey! I’m so glad that it helped! You are worth everything. Right back at you soul sister xoxo
Is it normal in a rebound relationship that he move right in after our break up and help her purchase a car and insure it for her , I’m just found out we wasnt together even tho he stop having sex with me 2months before but he finally told me were not together in the second month after he told me two weeks later I found out he in a relationship for 3 months so he literally got out of on into another and living with her helping her out and got her a car. I don’t know what to think. apart of me feel like it’s the real deal that hes investing in it already and happy .what’s your thoughts? He always say you dont know what the future holds and when I say we have no future he tends to get upset or ask my why I say that. We have two kids together and I dont know how to go about this. Far as no contact not seeing him it’s hard we was together for nine yrs
How do you bookmark a page?
Power in that article. I GOT it. I did. Maybe he’ll replace the new pic that the “rebound” took of him with the one I took for his dating profile. C L A S S Y. What a big tub of DOUCHE. Lol. Thank you for the post, N ?
LOL! Thanks sister! 🙂 xx
This is helping me so so much and it’s exactly what I’m going through!! Finally feeling a sense of clarity and hope of moving on will be that much easier. Thank you Natasha!!! Love you xoxo
Thank you sister love you too! X
something i am curious about and was hoping you mention it in this wonderful post. Does rebound relationships have a time span? If so how long does those relationships commonly last?
Andrea, I’m going through this now. I’ve noted you posted this in 2016.
How do you feel now?
I feel like I’m going to be hurting forever x
Sam
My (still legal) husband left me after 8.5 years of marriage and 12 years of total relathionship just by saying that we’re fundamentally different. (Just to mention that we have 3 kids). And after only 30-45 days he began relationship with his co-worker (he knows her 12 years, I know her, she knows me, she was at our wedding) and they are still in a relationship (8.5-9 mounts)…he even introduced her with his mother afther 4 mounts of their relationship. So….rebound or not it lasts
And I…well after 10 mounts I’m still devastated, he was my everything, my whole world collapse
I’m very interested in this comment, I am in the very same situation. Me and my ex dated for 4-1/2 years. And shortly 2 weeks after she broke up with me she started talking to her ex of 2 years. When I first started dating her she said her ex had cheated on her on 2 occasions. So why is she with him now? Is this just a rebound?
Yes girl yes! All of this is so true! And thank god I’m out of that relationsh*t and she’s now in it a month after he dumped me. Karma is a biotchhh. Xoxo
HAHA YES! Thx Heather 🙂 XO
Thank you so much Natasha. Everytime I miss him I come to this blog and read it. Rebound Relationships. You talk about whatever I need on right moment
Love you. xoxoxoxo. I love your last picture on Instagram as well
Thanks Gem! 🙂 xoxo
I’ve heard he’s been dating countless of girls but its only one date and he goes to the next date some even the same day. I know there was one he like but she didn’t like him back. He hasn’t really been successful even if he shows up he has more than one date per day. I don’t know if its the same thing as rebound relationships or sinilar.
Is it still considered a rebound if he was the one to break up with me? We were together for nearly 8 years, very much in love until the last 6 months we each had some stressful times at work and I had a death in the family. Unfortunately it took its toll and we drifted apart, but just as things were getting better he said he wanted to break up. He has been with an old flame ever since we broke up and it’s quite possible that they were messaging whilst we were still together which helps explain why he didn’t want to work on things as this was our first ever bump in the road for our entire relationship, so it didn’t make sense to me that he just wanted to give up until I realised there was another girl on the scene. I don’t think he’s dealt with any emotions, but I don’t know if he actually has any because he can’t be that sad if he’s moved on already. My family and friends are so shocked by his behaviour, could it be possible it’s a distraction and he doesn’t have to think about us parting? It’s so unfair I’m here heartbroken and hoping for someone nice to come along whilst he’s off having a lovely time in the honeymoon period with someone else. I desperately don’t want to feel this way anymore and I keep being told how lovely I am and that I won’t be single for long, but I don’t have much faith that I’ll find someone else. It’s such a huge knock to your confidence and self-esteem it’s kind of unreal. 🙁
Would love to know how this situation with you turned out! I’m going through the same thing now and I’d love to hear how it played out xx
I know how this feels
My ex lived with me for 2 yrs
Everything was great with us or so I thought cause out of nowhere at the start of this year 2020 he started acting weird. Turns out he’d met a new woman while him n I were still friends with benefits for 4 months. He told me one night when he was at work that he’d been seeing someone else behind my back but didn’t tell me he was actually sleeping with her till he came back from a “bro weekend” covered in Hickey’s. He walked out on our son and I that weekend. We were together almost 10 yrs engaged for 5. He won’t even see me face to face the one time he did he didn’t look me in the eye. Definitely in a rebound relationship with the skank cause he claims to be so in love with her and ignores my calls n txts even if I’m telling him information about our son (school issues or setting up dates of contact for him to see our son.)
OMG this is amazing. Me and my ex broke up in March however we slept together at the end of May. Since then we were going back and forth him dragging me along and putting me on the back burner until i finally decided to stop contact. AND THEN i find out he’s with another girl and doing almost the exact same things he did with/for me and at first i was so hurt thinking our relationship meant nothing to him before me friend pointed out, its just a rebound and he’s doing the same things because 1. he knows thats how to get a girl and 2. he’s trying to make her into the girl you were, trying to relive the good parts of the relationship. And reading all of this really made me realize things, i thought because me and her were so different it couldn’t be a rebound because this time he had found a girl who was different and good for him but then i realized it is just a distraction he’s never gone longer than few months without a girlfriend so he always needs someone there to fill the void and it doesn’t mean she’s different/amazing/way better than me.
EXACTLY Jeanann. You go girl! Thx beautiful! XOXO
Omg yes. Im going through the same thing. He is recreating the things we have shared before. Its weird. Dont worry it just means we made them the happiest that theyre trying to copy it with the new girl
Reading your comment helped as much as the article. I am going through the same thing right now with my ex. He is taking the new girl on all the same dates just in a shorter time span. Seems so crazy to everyone we know but your friends advice sounds pretty legit.
I am having the exact opposite issue…. he is treating the new girl totally opposite than he did me. He is with her 24/7 but they just sit at the house (which by the way is across the street from me). He lives in another guys basement and i own. He is taking her on a week long cabin vacation after 5 weeks and in the 2 1/2 years we dated we went on two long weekends that I planned. She seems to always come to his house and sit there…. He treated his other ex just like me so this is so bizarre.
I can truly say that your statement about tying his actions to your value, the white horse and being the one who got away has really begun to transform my thinking. I lost myself in my relationship and catered to his every need always before myself. Your site is a daily inspiration for me and has helped me from falling completely apart. I came home to a note on the table after 12 years and the day before he was telling me he loved me. The emotional abuse I felt was devastating and I never want to feel that again. Thank you for being such a strong role model and helping me to see my value and begun to love myself and put me first. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in 30 days and am letting my actions speak for me. It isn’t easy but each day I gain strength and re read your posts.
You go girl. You had the strength all along; you are more beautiful, strong and resilient than you even know. Thank you for being a part of this tribe and for allowing me to feel less alone in my experiences, pain and emotions. Keep doing what you’re doing. You can never go wrong with having your own back! All my love to you soul sister XOXO 🙂
Hey I was the one who got dumped but then she moves in with the new guy and helps her get a car how long do you think they will last she’s in Denver we’re I moved her to and spent a year and half with her I just can’t see her with the new guy it hurts me so much I just want her back but how can I just wait for it to happen did she try to hide her emotions by goin with the new guy
Hi Alex!
I would need to know more details but no matter what, do not react to any of this or reach out to her. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. YOu are not alone.
OMG!!! I am so in love with these blogs and posts!! I have experience this with a guy that I’ve dated and could not for the life of me understood how he could jump into a relationship so quickly without ending the relationship. It is true about the family not knowing because his mom didn’t even know he was seeing someone else. This is so close to home for me. He is now engaged to someone else and I felt a little down about it because everything just happened so fast. This moment just gives me an opportunity to work on myself and my goals and to better myself. Thank you so much for these posts!! They are soo inspiring Through these blogs I have now gain a sense of things that I couldn’t really understand. I feel like I’m talking to my best friend over a wonderful cup of coffee!! . I am an official subscriber!! Yayy!!!
I’m happy they have helped! 🙂 Thanks so much for the love and support Roberta! All my love to you soul sister XOXO
Today is 2 years I left my ex in Florida because his mom told me I deserve better she knew I wasnt happy with him for almost 10 yrs I felt i waste with him thinking he will change He ask to metty him on July 3 2017on my birthday I said yes but then broke it off because I felt he wasnt being honest by being a Cheater . Now he posting pictures of being engagement..
This post and others of yours have really helped as i deal with the break up of a 4 year relationship 4 months ago… And the girl he was messaging within days is now the girl he’s seeing.
One day at a time! Getting stronger on my own so my next relationship is a healthy one!! Thanks Natasha for your amazingly insightful spot-on posts xx
Proud of you Louise. You’re doing the right thing by taking care of yourself and having your own back. You are not alone. Thanks for the love, support and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 XOXO
Can I please keep you in my shirt pocket to whisper me sage advice? My ex of 6 years moved on less than a week after our break up to the girl he had cheated with and I was doing/thinking/feeling everything you described. Sometimes I think you’re a mind reader and then I started to realize that more so those without empathy are predictable. How boringly basic. I literally laughed out loud when you outlined the traits of a rebound and checked off each and every one. I have to see my ex in a few days for an obligation we both committed to before our break up and this blog post eased my heart for that moment and for the future. <3
🙂 xoxo
I have read TONS on rebound relationships…and I am continually convinced he’s in one. He showed up at a club I was at after we had split and not had contact in a week..seen me dancing with another guy..then a few days later, he’s made it known on his social media that he’s back with someone he dated way before meeting me…”I am so glad I found you…right person…right time” Only thing is…she’s my manager…granted I knew all along they were friends and kept in contact. After finding this out, I blocked him in every way possible. F**K it hurts for sure..and I do not want him back…he didn’t treat me very well…I know he hasn’t changed…but UGH he really pushed the pain button in me…thanks for this…
Thank you for sharing. You’re not alone Karen XO
Your blog is amazing. Thank you so much! You’re also so so beautiful :3
🙂 Thank you! So happy the blag has helped! XO
My ex moved on within two weeks after telling me he didn’t have enough time in his life for a relationship. He claims he wasn’t cheating but I don’t know what to believe. He texted to tell me he’s in a new relationship. He says now he just wants to get married and have a family – he knew that’s what I wanted. So I can’t keep comparing myself to this new woman and dreading the announcement of the inevitable engagement. Your article is so helpful – I read it most days as I find reading and actually believing it takes time. Huge thanks
Thank YOU Annie! I’m happy that the post helped. Keep coming back to the blog and just know that you’re not alone. XOXO
Thank you!!! Wow, this is exactly what I needed to read today! Feeling 100% better!
Yayyy! Happy it helped! Thanks Elize 🙂 xx
Hi Natasha,
My ex and I broke off a 3+ year relationship due to long distance and not being able to close the gap. I initiated the break up and it hurt because I did love her very much and I wanted it to work out, but there are things that were just out of our control. Also wanted her to be free to date others and be happy for her happiness even if it wasn’t with me. My love for her was pure and unconditional.
2 months later I reach out to say hi and catch up, she was already seeing someone else. I was still grieving and working on myself. I told her it’s bitter sweet and I’m happy for her. I asked who the lucky guy was, and she got so defensive and panicked and did not want to share that information with me. I didn’t understand why she’d hide the guy’s identity from me. I respected it, and continued talking with her and the more we spoke the more I realized she was cold, distant, indifferent, apathetic. I didn’t understand why she would treat me this way, we had a loving meaningful relationship and we talked about making babies as soon as we managed to close the distance gap. Can somebody just do a 180 on you as soon as they find someone else, and in such a short amount of time? My valued her and did not think or treat her differently even post break up. I was still respectful, warm, considerate, compassionate… I’ve been told I’m a very loving person and I have a lot to give.
It hurt me for a while and she said she’s not ready to talk and that she MAY get to me AT SOME POINT in the FUTURE. That’s when I realized I was being strung along and cut ties with her. My love is u conditional but as soon as she showed me that her value for me was less than my self worth, I had no problems cutting her out of my life. It was like I was talking to someone who was dead on the inside, I never thought someone who love bombed me for so long is capable of being this way.
As soon as I’m out of the picture she latches onto someone else and does not need me anymore. She has a new supply to fill her void. I was a rebound from her long term ex, and I thought I was an exception, someone she thought was special… surprise surprise, turns out I was just another source of validation supply.
Thank you for this blog, it has reaffirmed my thoughts on my situation. It has been half a year since last speaking with my ex and I’m proud to say that’s I’ve been definitely healing and am enjoying my alone time doing meditation, reading books, exercising, and just becoming the best person I can be.
Much Love xx
Abe,
Thank you so much for not only taking the time to comment, but sharing your story on a level that will help so many people who are too shy to comment and feel just heartbroken and alone in similar situations. You are an inspiration and are doing the right thing.
You win your life back, she lost YOU and ALL that you are.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe and shining the light that you are here on pms. You are loved, appreciated, valued, understood, and never, ever alone. xx
That feels so good to read! My ex of three years dumped me 4 months ago completely out of the blue two days after his grandma died. I really loved him and i genuinely thought he was as happy as i was. We had just came back from our first big vacation together and we already knew where to go next year..
It was such a shock for me, i could barely cope and fuction in any ways possible. I begged and cried and begged even more.
But because of the f**ktard he showed to be after our breakup, he came over and we had sex multiple times. It all seemed like it was going to be better and we still had a chance! He told me about this bisexual girl his brother (!!) dumped a few weeks ago and how nice she was. Yep, now that’s the girl he’s dating! That’s so unbelivable, even my close friends thougt i was making a bad joke.
They became a couple just two weeks after we have met the last time and he held my hand while shopping. It’s such a shock for me as it all seems so weird and confusing. I cut off all contact and i deleted him from every social media – i am not able to stalk because it simply hurts too fucking much. Of course, he makes his new girl known on every picture on instagram and they seem super-duper happy.
I really love this man, i still do. Even though I don’t even want him back because of how he acted after the breakup! But seeing this, i think the chances of being a rebound aren’t too low! Thank you so much for this blog!
Lots of love from Germany xxx
Thanks Henni! I’m so happy it helped 🙂 You’re doing the right thing and I agree. Thank you for your love, sisterhood & support! Hope to give you a big hug in person when I’m in Germany someday soon! xxxx
Thank you for your post. This gave me lots of hope and was exactly what I needed. We were in a relationship for almost 10 years and he was my first boyfriend. Last year his father died and since then he dealt with depression and started a therapy. He broke up with me after I supported him in this period. Now I found out that he met someone just 1 month after the breakup. She is the total opposite of me and isn’t at all what he was looking for in a girl. He told me he didn’t want a long-distance relationship anymore (we moved in together after being apart for a long time) and when I told him that I wanted to do my Masters he said that he could not identify with someone who is studying again because he is working and wants a serious relationship. His new girlfriend just recently started studying (she is super young) and they live far away from each other. But I’m a bit confused because instead of bragging, he is hiding his new girlfriend and some of his close friends didn’t even know he was dating again. So I’m not quite sure what to think about it. And now almost 5 months passed since we broke up but he kept on messaging me but I tried to ignore him. So what to you think?
Hi Lisa!
I wish that I could help, but I have too much to say to type it all out and not enough hands to type or hours in the day. This is why I cannot give specific advice in the comments.
Thanks for the love, for reading and for your understanding.
You’re not alone XOXO
Hi Lisa! I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened here? It sounds exactly like my situation. We were so happy and he broke it off out of the blue and a week later was seeing a girl who lives far away, is much younger and is studying. He also tried to keep it secret too and some of his friends didn’t know but I found out. I don’t know what to think. Xx
Can this article work the other way around, let’s say if my ex-girlfriend is the one who rebounded and I’m stuck still thinking about what could’ve been?
Hi Chris! Yes it can! More men than you would think read this blog and I coach men as well. Thanks for reading!
Its been 5 weeks my ex and I broke up. And this article helped me in so many ways that I am so excited to get on with my life! You described his behavior to a T!! And when I get down on MYSELF, I find myself returning to this blog and makes me smile again. I smile again because I have taken myself out of the situation. He can enjoy his rebound and I pray everyday that he finds himself because he truly lost “the one”… haha
YES! You go girl! So proud of you Belle 🙂 Thanks for being a part of this tribe. XOXO
you are a godsend. my mental state did a total 180 after reading this and now i can happily get on with my life without wasting another precious minute moping around. i cannot thank you enough. <3
This brought tears to my eyes. Thank YOU Mo. I’m glad that this post served you. You are supported, backed, loved, believed in and never, ever alone. I’m honored to have played a small part in your healing and realizations. All my love to you. XOXO
Your article almost perfectly describes my recent break up w/gf of 14 months. It was a mutual break up with both of us not our best selves at a party. Went no contact for 2 weeks. I come to find out she got into a relationship with one of the guys at the party within that short time period. She’s flaunting this brand spanking new relationship all over social media, something she never used to do. She was spotted touchy feely with the guy at a once favorite watering hole of ours by a mutual friend almost shamelessly. Doing herself a great public disservice. This public flaunting just seems so forced. And yet she refuses to work with me on the return of some personal items.
Like really, you have absolutely no empathy for me or the relationship? You really need the instant validation from the opposite sex so quickly huh?
I’m so glad that this post helped, Nubsty! You are not alone in this (or ever!). Her loss!
Your blog has truly changed my life!! I just came across your blog and you are amazing!! I am dealing with a long distance breakup of 3.5 years. I have known him for 5 and just like that 3 months later he is already in a relationship with another girl and it hurts but after reading your blogs, I feel so enlightened. I am working on the reactivity piece (reacted to his new relationship by texting him) but going forward I am going to react like the “psycho” ex but the “girl who got away”! My ex is rushing his new relationship so he doesn’t have to explain being single or another failed relationship! You hit it right on the head!! Even if he gets married tomorrow, I know who he is at the core and no matter how much the new girl loves, supports, shows affection, etc., he is still the insecure narcissist who mistreated me. He is her deal now and I am FREE!!! I feel so much better. I am redirecting my focus on me!!!
YES! Thanks so much for sharing Dee & for your love, sisterhood and support. You are believed in, understood, loved, backed and never alone. Proud of you sister! XX
Met up with my ex tonight, 5 weeks since the breakup. He left it open ended saying he may regret it some day, but isn’t fair to ask me to wait for him to find out. I finally had to ask if he was dating someone else. Turns out he met a girl 5 days after our breakup and has been seeing her since. I even called him out that it is a rebound and he said “I know”. But he still chose to see what happens with her instead of working on our relationship (which he also admitted putting zero effort into fixing). Thank you for this article! It is bookmarked, I know I’ll need this reminder.
So happy it helped! Thanks R 🙂
Hi R, what ended up happening? Is he still with her? I ask because I’m currntly going through this myself.
Hi natasha..
I just broke up with a guy i’ve dated for 3 years. I really love him. I was sad that he broke up with me last month. A day after that he said he wanted to try it again with me and i said yes. I was very busy at that time doing my exam to get my MD degree. He was already done with his exam (we are at the same phase of catching degrees as MD) so i asked him for his understanding everytime he asked for more attention.
After that time i said yes to get back with him he didnt even reply my message. So i thought we wanted me to finish my exam and then go back to him. 4 days after that i texted him saying i’m done with my exam and i wanted to meet him. I texted back right away and said he didnt want me back and he wanted me to go as far as i could from him. He said that he is so stressed out by me and dont want me back for any reason. I didnt texted back after that cuz i was in major pain and didnt know what to do. So i called my brother to get me to the next flight to his city and stay with him for a week.
2 weeks after he brokeup with me, i texted him saying that i am sorry for whatever it is that makes him broke up with me and i told him i will always love him.
He texted back right away saying thank you and told me that he is in a relationship with someone new.
And that hit me like nothing i can ever describe.
I weigh me down cuz i have to see him again at campus for another 3 months of preparing for the last exam before really achieving our degrees as medical practioners.
Minutes later my bestfriend who always have my back told me that he is with someone else now and his new girl is a girl from the same campus,same class so i have to see them together for 3 months to come and it started in a month.
He followed my bestfriend instagram and changed his profile picture with his new girl when he knows my bestfriend will report back to me right away which she did.
I was surfing through google to find something to read to get me reach an understanding of whatever happen with my life right now and i found this writings and i just want to thank you for this.
It pains me to my deepest soul knowing that i would be seeing them together everyday for 3 months. He posted so many pictures of them together as a couple and he hold her like he is very happy now. The girl also do the same.
But reading this, although it didnt erase my pain completely,at least it calms me, and make me feel less lonely and less sad.
Thank you so much.
U are amazing and very beautiful.
Love from Indonesia.
(Pardon my bad english)
Thank you Gita! I’m happy that it helped 🙂 Keep coming back here to the blog and just remember – you are loved, understood, supported, believed in and never, ever alone. xo
This is the best article I have come across. This article is my brother to a t. He left his wife after 10 years of marriage only to immediately move in with a woman he met metal detecting… He lived with her for about 4 months and as soon as his divorce was finalized, he married this woman. The whole situation makes me nauseous. First time he tried to introduce me to her was through Instagram there was a picture of her standing behind him with her hand firmly planted on his shoulder as if to say “back off ladies this one’s mine”. I quickly blocked him and haven’t talked to him since. He recently had his first child with her ( this is her third). She has two other kids from two different men and claims to be raising another child that belongs to her “drug addicted lesbian sister”. She’s never held a real job for very long. I think she uses men to get pregnant and uses the children as financial pawns. My parents have money and this is their first grandchild so this woman is set for life whether she stays with my brother or not. I don’t ever want to meet her and I don’t want anything to do with this relationship. This is causing a lot of tension because my mother is a narcissist and I think my brother might be one too although he may have met his match this time.
this is all very triggering and painful to me because a long time ago I ended my engagement. I wasn’t sure why I just knew I wasn’t happy and I didn’t trust him and I didn’t think he loved me the way I deserve to be loved. A year later I found out he was celebrating his 2-year anniversary with a girl he met on a Dodge neon web forum. So this whole thing with my brother is a little bit triggering for me. I really hate seeing s*** people get married and have children and make it look like they have it all together. where is I’m just trying to find someone stable, honest, and trustworthy. I haven’t been attracted to anybody in decades. My toxic mother tells me “marriage isn’t for everyone.” And all I want to say is marriage is clearly for assholes.
Jess,
I’m *so happy* that this post was helpful. I live to give everything that I wish I would have had. You are not alone. Thank you for being a part of this tribe and thank you for having the courage to share and in turn, helping so many others feel less alone.
All my love to you, soul sister. xox
Instantly feeling better after reading this. Literally going to read it every morning I get up until this pain goes away and I am no longer spending my time thinking about this relationsh*t!!! THANK YOU
YAY!!! So happy it helped! 🙂 xo
I’m soooo HAPPY I’ve found YOU!!! It’s like everything you say is exactly what’s in my head and you’re just confirming that I’m better than the current BS my ex has put me through! The desire for closure so I can let go and truly accept the reality that he’s a total empathy bankrupt douche bag STOPS now! And I’m PROUD to say regardless of the utter disrespect he shoved in my face with his immature and sharp tongue as he was removing his toxic self out my door, I’ve stayed on my white horse and haven’t contacted his sorry ass since and that was 3 weeks ago AND with a social media flaunt of his new ‘friend’ three days post break up… *vomits and hits block on all social media*. Thanks girl!!! You’re a gem! Xx
YAAAAAAA!!! Thank YOU Chloe! So happy to help and honored to play a part in your healing and realizations. Sending you love soul sister. X
My ex and I were together for 6 years. He was my first everything. We met when we were twelve years old and started dating very young at fourteen years old. We had a rollercoaster relationship all through junior high, high school, and a couple years into college. We broke up about six months ago at the end up September, but in December we rekindled for a minute but I could tell he was hiding something and he was very shady. We fought and stopped talking. I recently just started talking to his sister again who is my best friend and she has filled me in on what he’s been up to and all the lies he’s told. Only two weeks after our rekindling in December and only three months after our official breakup of 6 years, he took a new girl to Christmas to meet his family. It’s now the end of march and they are still together. She’s my opposite. I’m tall, relatively slim, blue eyes, dark hair, girly girl, 20 year old college student. She’s a very short, chubby, orange haired, homely, 17 year old high school student. I refuse to look on his social media to see them together but everyone talks about how he downgraded big time and they don’t understand. His family still prefers me. His sisters still always comment on my Facebook stuff and message me. I hangout with his sister/my best friend every weekend. His mom wants to go have a girls day soon and whenever I go over to their house when he’s not home his parents are overly excited to see me. Not feeling replaced in the family aspect helps me cope with the new reality, but I still can’t comprehend how he can move on like this. Especially with someone that is so extremely different than me. I have this page bookmarked on my phone and every time I feel sad or confused or lost I just reread this. I don’t know if he’s in a rebound or not. Evidence says yes but my heart wants to say I’m just that replaceable. I’m not even sure I so much want him back as I just want him to want me back. I want him to regret. And hurt. And beg. I know that’s not healthy. But it’s how I feel. I gave my all to him. And he threw me away and “moved on” like it was nothing. Some days I’m not this weak or hurt. But today I just feel extremely lost and sad.
You are understood, loved, supported and never, ever alone <3 xoxo
Absolutely determined to stay in my white horse and ride off into the sunset, kicking sand into those narcissistic, dead eyes as I leave – thank you xx
🙂 thank YOU Caroline! xxxx
SPOT ON! Love it. Thank you. You articulated the absolute truth perfectly!
Happy it helped!! 🙂 Thanks Yelena! xx
thank you, i really needet to hear this. i found week ago that my ex is dating someone totally different from myself 3months after we end. and he was trying to be my friend too.but i have cut all the contact now after i found out. but what amazes me that he had to post date pics on his social media with this nobody for me too see… how much fun they have!
it hurt me so bad i coudnt stop crying,i coudnt eat for days. I havent answer his messages anymore,then he stopt writing me,so iassumed he moved on and is happy with this new person.
but this article is like my story, he was emotionaly unavelable… treated me like crap most of the time, at the beguining he was amazing but then all turned around i dont even know why, i dont understand why cuz i was so loving and good to him.
My man thinks grass is somehow greener on the otherside. he even send me letter last month that he sees us going back together after we dated other people…WTF!? u sirious. i dont want any bitch leftovers after u had enough of other women. Imnot like that, i dont need to date bunch of strangers to make me feel good or know what I have front of me. thats just fucked up!
I have red every singe page on google how to get ur ex back,i was doing that all days, so many weeks… i thoght i go insane.
but i dont believe this person will change and the man I knew he was was probably just a lie or he is gone forever.
it hurts so much and its very hard to accept it,cuz we supose to get married i use to be his queen… hes everything. How can person just go cold on u like this!? 🙁 But i love this article how straight and honest it is and all the F words 😉 damn it! <3 good luck to everyone whos in this situation!
So happy that the post helped/served you! Thanks soul sister! You’re not alone <3 XOXO
is it possible for a man to just keep on rebounding? i dated my ex for a year and we got together 4 months after he separated from his wife… so clearly i was a rebound. and 2 weeks after our breakup, he’s already dating another girl who is more like his ex but nothing like me… could she be a rebound too? xo
Hi Jessica!
Yes it is! Wish I could elaborate more on here, but I don’t have the time. It is definitely possible. xo
Hi! Unfortunately I was the rebound. The guy I got into a “relationship” with, got out of a 3 year relationship, and started “dating” me two months after the break up. During the first week we were seeing each other, from the 2nd to the 4th week we were “bf and gf”. He was very “excited”, he chased me around to take pictures, he kept calling me every night (i know he wanted to because i was a new toy), introduced me to his friends, and made plans (of course not all of it went through since he chucked me). So on the third week when we were bf and gf, he was still very excited about me, and told more of his friends about me. During the third week, i saw that he looked at his ex’s facebook 4x (long story how I found out). I didn’t suspect anything at the time; i thought he was just curious but of course i was wrong. Towards the last week, I started to a sense a vibe and a distance, and he said he wanted to call it off cuz he couldn’t get over his ex (and he’s the one who dumped her). Like wtf right?
I just don’t understand how someone can be excited about this new person they’re dating, and somehow miss their ex simultaneously, and then lose feelings for the “rebound”.
So is it like it worked for the first bit of the relationship because it was new and exciting, but because the feelings were so strong for the ex, the feelings for me faded to numbness? So is it really due to just bad timing? Or is it that im not good enough for him, is that why it didn’t work out?
I understand that you can’t go thorough into detail, but hopefully you can provide just a couple sentences as to why/what the reasons were for this unsuccessful “relationship”.
Hi Helena!
Thank you so much for sharing. I completely understand what you’re going through.
I wish that I could elaborate further and answer your questions, but I have too much to say to type it all out (I can’t minimize my answer to a sentence or 2), not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give advice in the comments section.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog; it WILL get better.
I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further ? The link to it is on the homepage.
All my love to you.
You’re not alone xo
I love you Natasha. This is the best blog I have ever found!
So with my ex he met a woman 3 weeks after the breakup (nearly 4 years of relationsh*t here).
It’s been 3 months now and did sadly text him after he text me some bullshit, that I know about everything and I want him to stop contacting me (called him a few names too as I couldn’t resist). Is that very bad? Didn’t want him texting me any nice things and wanted him to know I know.
He’s now all blocked everywhere and I’m thankful for your blog, day by day it’s getting better.
<3
Hi Anja! I love you too sister 🙂 !
You’re doing the right thing. Keep staying on your white horse, don’t react and don’t worry about what you did/didn’t do in the past. What matters is right NOW. Sending you lots of love. XOXO
This is amazing. Reading this I stopped crying first time in weeks. Long story short after living together for a year we broke up on the jul 11 he went to the music fest on the 23 met a girl who is completely opposite of me next day 2 of them got engaged after 1 night, it’s all over Facebook and everywhere. All of his friends could I have the communications with him I don’t know the reason why. Now he is it completely 180 turn around he quit smoking become a vegetarian and Festival hippie just like her according to his Facebook . I don’t even know how to deal with this….
Sorry for mistakes. Autospell + nervous
Hi Kris! I’m so happy that the post helped <3 You are loved, appreciated, supported, understood, empathized with and never, EVER alone. Thank you for your love and support 🙂 xoxo
My ex broke up with me three weeks ago, moved in with his ex for a week and now said they are getting married next week. I am so hurt and this article is my lifeline. Thank you!
SO HAPPY it helped! 🙂 You are not alone.
Loved this article! Thank you, it gave me new perspective on the situation 🙂
Thank YOU Christine for the love and support! Happy it helped! 🙂 xx
I can figure out what type of relationship hes in. We broke up 7 months ago and it has treated me like shit! He has been on many dates and hangs out with his ex who he got back together with in april and it didnt work out. He denies this. He has now been seeing another girl for the past 9 weeks, and says hes happy with her and they are taking things slow and when they tried to have sex, he couldnt even get it up! Why he told me this, i have no idea!!
He told my friend a month ago that he only sees her as a friend even though they connect.
I have been a competely different person! I am nasty to him about her and i hate it. I have become jealous, depressed and lost all my self-respect and esteem. Im an empath and i hate that he has been on and im still struggling. Why do i continue to bother with the D**khead is beyond me. I believe he is a narcissit from his behaviour throughout our relationship and i have done extensive research.
What do i do to forget him? i deleted his number but still find excuses to text or call. its like he has this weird magnet.
Hi Christine!
I wish that I could elaborate further but I have too much to say to type it all out, not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.
I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further ? The link to it is on the homepage.
All my love to you sister.
You’re not alone x
Natasha Ive been rereading several of your articles. This one and is he is better with her, especially. My question, i was dating a much younger inexperienced man with datin women. So really Im the first “serious “ relationship. I believe i was understsnding and more patient due to this because of the lack of experience. We been together 2 years off and on (mostly on) always him breaking up, me reaching out, him coming back. Last xmas after 3 months of odd behavior I caught him cheating with someone he worked with closer to his age. Innocent, naive, plain jane, complete opposite of me. I was completely and utterly shocked. Me and her spoke one on one and he was fooling us both. He blocked me on all contact sites(social media, phone) and then proceeded to apologize to her and she went back a few days later. That lasted 5 weeks with me out ofnthe picture, before her dropped her one night and appeared late at night at my doorstep begging for my forgiveness. Well, foolishly i gave him the benefit of the doubt and we made amends. Second time around he was a much better bf but still from time to time felt “confused”. He didn’t know if it was healthy to keep hopping back and forth. I told him of he left that was it between us. He stayed several months more. 6 months in, he broke up with me with all the typical excuses and i asked “who is she!” And he replied I always make it about other women but hes made it aboutnorherbwomen at this point, and felt disrespected for not believing him. Ended bad. He left. A week later he reached out, we spent 3 nights together before i found out he left my keys behind to my place. He grew cold the next couple days and said awful things, then two days later asked to see me and apologize. I told him this is the perfect opportunity to take a break from women and get his shit together. Fast-forward two more weeks and I reach out to the girl he cheated on me with and she said he has asked to try and be friends with her again. I confronted him about it and he didn’t think there was anything wrong since he broke up with me to try and date her again . I find it very distasteful after what he put me through in the prior months and said she meant nothing to him and I’m the one he wanted to be with . Fast forward a couple more weeks and she went back to him even after me and her had spoken a second time and how he left and now he will leave her again too I assume. He has not blocked me or unfollowed me on social media . I don’t know if she was ever the rebound girl the first time and if he’s rebounding again with the same rebound girl ? He’s moved very quickly with her the first time and apparently the second time bringing her around his family again. They still work together . She replied to me she wishes me the best and hope i make the right decisions for myself but obviously has not applied the same for her , as she is now proceeding to date my ex-boyfriend again. Three months of her last spring and he dumped her for me, 2 years of us . He just thinks he can bounce back-and-forth to us whenever his feelings change I guess . Is she a rebound? everyone says he’s going to come back and dump her again but I just don’t now and I’m in a lot of pain for second time after I feel like he completely betrayed my trust again …. would love to hear your words of wisdom to get me through this . he spent the holidays with her last year, i made a gift for him to give his mom and he gave it to her, spent New Year’s eve with her and ditched me all the while I didn’t know any of this for months to come. so I’m still rehashing those old wounds on top of him breaking up with me this recent time (7 weeks ago, last contact 3 weeks ago) and the holidays are here again and it just sucks that I’m alone and he gets to be with her and be the good boyfriend to her AGAIN during the holidays. Please help Natasha I would love some really good advice !!
Hi Ao!
I wish that I could elaborate further but I have too much to say to type it all out, not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.
I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further ? The link to it is on the homepage.
All my love to you sister.
You’re not alone xo
This amazing post bring me back to my not-so-old memories. I should read this at my early days of “almost relationship break up”.
But reading it now, I could just smile and nod my head few times. The signs you’ve listed is mostly checked. It makes me think that perhaps I’m also one of his rebound list or he only consider me for his own benefit since at that time he just moved in to this country. Or maybe dating one girl after another is just some sort of sport/hobby to him since he’s so obsessed trying to pursue someone/something that’s hard to get. And I noticed, the moment I drop the L bomb, that’s when all of his effort slowly fading.
I remember how much it bothers me when he refused to post a single photo of me on his Instagram reasoning he’ll only do that once we’re official, but with his new gf, who happens to be a Miss Beauty Pageant,he posts every single thing about her since day one he started courting that beauty.
Looking back, I should be more grateful because he just proved how his words contradict with his actions.
At this moment, I just regard him as one of my life experience. The ending of him is my beginning of something new. I probably should thank him because of the way he abruptly end things between us without proper closure had lead me to your blog that taught me so many things. I became wiser than I was months before. I no longer let my emotions to cloud my judgement. It prepares me for my future relationship to always have my red flag detector stay ON in my pocket wherever I will be.
So once again, thank you so much for giving me the brand new perspective. Take a good care of yourself soul sis! XOXO
Love you so much soul sister 🙂 Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing, for your love and for just being YOU. xx
Thanks so much for this post. Yep there they were ‘in a relationship’ on facebook, just a month or so after breaking up; and she is not an upgrade. What really did enrage me was her posting ‘such a fabulous man’ and one of her friends saying ‘so happy for you’. Oh yeah wonder if she will saying such a fabulous man when he blows hot and cold cheats, stonewalls, runs away and jumps online dating without telling her because things didn’t go his way blames shifts; just some of the dysfunctional , abusive and disrespectful stuff he dished out. What is chain yanking??? I don’t think I am even a blip on his radar but it is really surprising for him to post that stuff on facebook as he has never done that before in our on and off 4.5 year relationsh*t. Got a lot of work to do on myself but have stayed on my Whitehorse, no contact and not reacting. Its. finished. for me. I broke the pattern. It hurts. Heaps…but so happy I found this blog. You are the BEST ever Natasha!!! Thank you!!
I’m honored to have helped 🙂 Thank you so much Kathy – for your love, support and soul-sisterhood. You are supported, understood, believed in and loved.
Natasha just wondering if you can shed any light on avoidant exes. I believe my ex has an avoidant personality based on my experience with him and what Ive read but didnt know much about it until doing some research after this last breakup. What Im getting at is I understand it’s easier for avoidant personalities to move on from a relationship quickly and he’s already in a new relationship in just 2 months but was apparently already seeing someone atleast 1.5 months after the breakup so Im here thinking it’s not a rebound relationship. Doing the best i can not to torment myself as i delete/deactivated/blocked social media so i dont see anything furyher that will devastate me. I just feel like if i had understood more about this previously i may have dealt with things a little differently while i was with him.
Will try to write about this asap 🙂 Thank you for the recommendation! xo
Wooow, this is exactly what I am going through! I thought I have moved on, putting my life back together when I came across their picture. I had been devastated, but then came to the exactly same conclusions you described – he has not changed and will never change for NOONE. I ignore this asshole, I blocked him on instagram, limited his access to my Facebook profile and I see how much he would like to know how I am doing (we wok together) but has no source of information. The blog is great, exactly what I need right now! Thank you, Natasha! And you are a beautiful woman!
Hi Martha! I’m so happy that the post helped 🙂 Thank YOU so much for taking the time to comment.
You are understood, loved, supported, backed, believed in and never, ever alone. Thanks for being a part of this tribe. XOX
What if shes the girl he rebounded the first time with when I caught him cheating and he dumped me for her, then dumped her for me? Is it possible to rebound back to the same girl?! We have 2 years together, they have now 2 months alone without me intruding. Im so confused if shes a rebound or the real thing???
I think I must have read this article when dude first broke up with me because I have started to refer to him as f*cktard w/out knowing where I picked the term up from. Haha I love it, it’s such a fitting term! My ex was never a douche to me, rather he was a very nice and respectful Christian man, he talked about wanting a life together and all the major things, even talked me into moving to a new city for him. Then without warning he broke up with me as soon as I rented a place and accepted employment, I was literally stuck in the new city completely heart broken over a man that broke up with me over text because he didn’t have the guts to break up in person. F*cktard! He blamed it on needing time to focus on his own life for a bit and wrap up his dovroce (should have been a red flag but he was very convincing in the beginning that he was totally over that relationship) well, 3 weeks after finally telling me in person (because I showed up to his house demanding answers – which now realize totally fed his ego) that he lost interest in me, he was in a new relationship posting pics all over FB of same places he took me and changed relationship status with a lot of I love yous exchanged and meeting family just like he did with me…F*cktard! This article helps reassure that whether they get married tomorrow or break up, he is still the same broken man he was when he broke up with me without warning because he was so emotionally wrecked over his 2nd divorce. I am starting to hold my head high and being thankful that I won’t be part of his 3rd divorce! Obviously still have work to do if I’m reading this article but I can’t wait for the day I wake up without thinking of f*cktard. Thanks for the great article!!
Yes! You go girl 🙂 So happy it helped! Thanks Britney! XO
My ex broke up with me and 1-2 weeks later jumped right back into a relationship with the girl i call the “rebound” from earlier this year. Its been about 2.5 mths now and he reached out last week and asked to speak with me in person. He said he was sorry for everything, that he loves me and didnt know why it was so hard for him to say the entire 2 years together. I asked if his gf knew he was eating lunch with me and he said no…he didnt ask for me back, but said he doesn’t know what to do now cuz he will be the bad guy again if he breaks up with her. I told him to be alone then! After a couple hours talking, he hugged me goodbye and said i love you again! Talk about a mind f*ck??? I dont know what he’s trying to do…
This post has helped me so much to realise that his new relationship isn’t about me, nothing of it ever was about me. And it got me out of the compare me, amazing! I feel so much stronger everytime I read this or anything else on the blog, thank you Natasha!
xx
Happy it helped!! 🙂 Thanks for your love and support Cate! XOXO
Reread it today after the f*cktard put a picture online of them together on a weekend away (the same place we went for our first trip!!) It hurts, but I know I’ll be ok.
Xxx
The pain is here to pass, never to stay. You got this. If I can do it, so.can.YOU. You will be MORE than okay. You got this Cate. xx
If someone doesn’t believe Natasha yet, here comes the proof that she knows what she is saying :). Fu*ktards will always be fu*ktards, and those motherf**ers never change. I broke up with my boyfriend, and although I knew it was a good thing I had been completely devastated when I found out that one month after me he had someone new although he was telling me we should break up beacuse he was NOT ready. I was coming to the blog, reading this post 2-3 times a day. I was getting better, but still couldn’t understand why? They seemed so happy, doing things I always wanted. But yet this girl looked like everything he was always telling me he didn’t like in a woman, and I was so confused. I felt like nothing he had ever so was true.
But soon enough I found out from a common friend that he went to a party with his buddy, the girl was obviously not with him – so typical for him, going out with his buddy only, and then adding new chicks on Facebook. I felt a bit glad knowing that probably the flame is not so serious, but at the same time I also felt a bit sorry for that girls. Recently, we have had a Christmas Party at work (we work together). He came without the girl, and was flirting with some other chick! I felt sincerely sorry for his girlfriend, and so HAPPY that this di*khead is not my problem anymore. This fu*ktard hasn’t changed a single bit, he was not taking me anywhere – now he is not taking her. He treated me like a crap, and he is probably treating her the same way. No matter what bullshit he posts on the Internet and how happy they seem I can bet she is crying every fu*king day like I used to.
After some time since the break up, I can proudly anounce that I am finally my old self again – I again like shopping, and I shave again 🙂 I took my time to get myself back, but also to invest in myself and beacome a better, more self-developed person. I enrolled for mindulness course, I started a CBT which I have been advised to take since a long time, I support charity, I read a lot, and finally I am going to learn how to ski, which has always been my dream! I took my time to recover but most importantly to GROW. I am glad for the relationshit because it pushed me to change. But like really change, and to do things I was afraid to do before. I was not jumping from one guy to another beacuse I didn’t want to hurt anyone not being ready. Now finally, I know that when I meet a nice guy, I will be ready to fully commit into a serious relationship not some bullsh*t half-time relationshit. It is sad to see that for my ex there is no help, but luckily it is not my problem anymore! Girls, don’t waist your time on assholes who don’t even know half the pain you are going through. All this suffering will be gone with time, but really your time is too precious! Take it as a lesson and move on. Sorry for a long comment, but maybe it will help someone.
Natasha, this is an amazing blog giving hope and helping getting better. I send you lots of love! All the best in the New Year!
Mads,
There is nothing I could write that would even come close to expressing my gratitude, appreciation and love for you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing and for being a part of this tribe. Thank you for being an inspiration. Thank you for allowing so many other people to feel less alone. Thank you for being the light that you are (and deciding to get rid of the light dimmers). You are incredible.
All my love to you soul sis. Happy New Year to you too! PS- you will love skiing 🙂 It’s my favorite escape. xx
Hi Natasha and sisters!
I came back here to update the story. Eight months after that break up I found my soulmate – someone who truly cares for me and proves it every day not only by talking but more importantly by doing. He is a beautiful person inside out and we share the same core values. We are getting married next year and I cannot wait for that day 🙂
He is actually someone I had met four years before but it seemed we didn’t fit. We dated three times and decided to stay friends. We had very rare contact only wishing each other Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas. Now I know that if it wasn’t for that ex I wrote about in my first comment I would have not changed my way of thinking and the way of seeing relationships and would not be ready for my fiancee when we got a second chance. We were destined to be together, and we see it in many coincidences and impossible situations which were leading to our reunion. Now I see that I had to go through that first relationSHIT to learn and to change. There were moments back then that I was feeling like I was worthless and suffered a lot and couldn’t understand why I had to go through that pain but it seems there was a plan for me. I believe that everything happens for a reason and this is the best proof.
So if you are going through a break-up and don’t understand why you have to suffer so much, just think it is all part of a plan – regardless of whether you believe in God or not. Everything will be fine in the end!
Hugs!
Mads,
I am in tears <3 So happy for and proud of you.
You are incredible and such an inspiration.
And just like your heartbreak is mine, so is your happiness and success <3 This made my day. Love you. xox
Hi Natasha,
Thanks for the amazing blog you posted. It had helped me tremendously. I broke up with my ex about a month ago because of constant arguments and fighting and we been together for over a year, he loves me more while we are in the relationship. I was very much in pain from the break up even though I am the one broke it off. I initiated NC pretty much last time we spoke which is about a month ago . I tried and took my time to cope with the break up by go to the gym, workout, spend time with friends/ family and plan vacation, which i just came back yesterday…while I thought i was doing well, I find out that he started talking to this new girl that’s completely different from me pretty much 1 week after our break up, so now i am heartbroken and i can’t stop thinking about it….It’s not sth he would do and I am devastated at this point. He post pictures on Instagram with her like right away pretty much after 3 weeks after our break up…. he seems happy….. I can’t believe my eyes and it instantly made my stomach sick and almost vomited in a way because that girl is NOT good looking at all, she is not even the type he would usually go for… I mean i have guys that asked me out too, but i know i am not emotionally ready to start anything substantial.
So my question is how is it emotionally possible for a man to jump into relationship so quick and does out relationship meant anything to him? Why he doesn’t admit that he is in a rebound? I am just overwhelm with mix emotions and sadness. Natasha, What should I do?
Hi Angela!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m happy that the post helped!
I wish that I could answer more but I have too much to say to type it all out, not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give direct advise in the comments section.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.
I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help you further ? The link to it is on the homepage.
All my love to you sister.
You are not alone xo
Its ? % a rebound. He’s not ready to face the break up pain and doesn’t matter what she looks like, or how sweet she is. Eventually he will dump her or vice versa cuz he’s not emotionally ready as much as he thinks he is…
What are your thoughts on an indecisive guy that fell in love with an amazing girl, that each time he came close to losing her, he then stepped it up over a period of 3-4 years? He and I met my senior year of college and were the first boyfriend/girlfriend that we each introduced our parents to. There was nothing but beautiful and strong love. But long distance became the nail in the coffin and made many things difficult. The first time we broke up because he said he was”not happy”, and then I find out a few months later that he’s hooking up with his homie from college (a friend with benefit–who REALLY wanted him, but he didn’t want to date her at the time). Their relationship was basically this: they were close friends, but everytime he started talking to a new girl, he would ditch the homie; the homie would get pissed at him; when he was done talking to the new girl, he would go back to the homie and they would start hooking up again UNTIL he met the one girl who he fell in love with and told him to cut that shit out (me). He didn’t speak to the homie for a year while we dated, but they reconnected as friends after he and I broke up because of the distance (surprising right?). When he told me he was having sex with her, he cried and said “I’m still not happy and I don’t want to lose you, you’re the girl I want to marry”. He called me everyday after that deep conversation and tried to keep me in his life. A month later, I decide to cut him off for some bullshit he pulled. We didn’t speak for a good three months and during that time, he went back to the homie, and the homie did everything she could to make their “whatever” look like a relationship. She posted an old picture of them….and little behold that picture came down a few weeks later. He immediately reconnected with me and we did the distance again for another year but this time he was more supportive, caring, and made many efforts to visit. Once the distance stopped being a problem, he decides that he wants to quit our relationship for STUPID reasons. He started acting emotionally unavailable and would do things I hate like be on his phone at dinner. The breakup was somewhat mutual because I had doubts as well, but we were mature about it. We last kissed at the airport and said goodbye. I haven’t seen him in 4 months, and we last spoke 2 months ago. I found out that he’s hanging with the homie again….I can’t help but think she’s his end goal versus just his “comfort”. What do you think? Can he be over me if he literally jumped back into the past to something that wasn’t built on love? It really hurts to see that even though distance is not a problem anymore, he is hanging out with the homie and hasn’t made an effort to speak to me. It makes it feel like the past few years of my life with him were a lie. We wanted to get married, have kids, but he opted out. He’s indecisive about many things. Although my relationship with him may be considered damage beyond repair, I am almost embarrassed to say how much love I still have for him, and that I really think it could work. But he doesn’t want to try. I am doing my best to focus on building my best self again but I can’t stop thinking about it. Please let me know what you think in regards to his relationship with the homie, where he stands with me, and if you think he will reconnect with me. Each time, he was always the one that came back to me because it was his fault if we weren’t speaking. This time, I’m not sure he even wants to speak to me let alone want me in his life. Was it really that easy for him to just end everything we’ve been through like that?
Hi Andra!
I wish that I could answer but I have too much to say to type it all out, not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give direct advice in the comments section.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.
I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help you further ? The link to it is on the homepage.
All my love to you sister.
You are not alone xo
I got broken up with about 3 1/2 months ago. 7 year relationship, we’ve been through alot. Alot of firsts for everything, we had a rocky patch where he became a f*cktard and dated other people, being a general bag of dicks. And the most surprisng part is that he really did change. Never had to worry about him talking to other people again. Well he tells me he doesn’t love me anymore and wants to work on himself and his career/future, how he lost himself and all that. We still talked and had sex for about a month after the breakup. So far I’ve found out that he spent a sh*t ton of money on a new console, a new tv, several new video games. He was supposed to be getting his own car. Still don’t know if he has. He had plenty of time to maybe pick up a class at the community college we live by, nope decided AGAIN to push it to the summer. I know I f*cked up, lost myself to depression, kept taking and taking from him without giving. I was a mess. So he’s still incredibly hurt and has alot of resentment towards me with things I know that aren’t true. He’s now talking with this girl and has been spending every day with her this past week. I can smell the rebound from miles away. He says (not to me, a friend of mine) that he’s never felt more connected to someone and blah blah. I’m sitting here laughing. Poor girl has no idea what’s in store for her with him. He’s emotional, arrogant, can’t take criticism, stubborn and prone to anger (just yelling and raising his voice, he’d never hurt anyone) BUT at the same time I know he’s very tender hearted and incredibly lonely. He really is not that bad, but I know I am the only one that can handle his crazy @ss. Because being out of my depression made me see how badly I treated him and how I know that’s not me. I’m not even hurt, honestly I get this amazing satisfaction with being absolutely right on everything he’s thinking and feeling. Like I always have for 7 years. I’m not looking for a relationship because I want to work on myself, hang with friends etc. So if he’s realized how I really will be the only one that understands him and loves him with all my heart before I’m ready to enter a relationship then he’ll have to sit through my “I told you so” before I take him back hahaha.
Natasha,
Thank you for always giving us courage to keep going and move on even if we still love them.
My ex and I broke up 2 months ago and I left the country to be with my family and loved ones but all my belongings are still at our old apartment.
To make this short, I have to go back in two weeks and I am scared of the outcome because I think he will try to convince me to stay or maybe just even hook up but our relationship got so bad that there is no respect towards me anymore and I don’t want all the time I’ve spent working on myself and trying to heal to go to waste when I see him.
If you have any advice it would be of great help because even though I know we can’t be together, part of me still feels something and I don’t know how he will act when he sees me.
Thank you ! Btw I love your blog ?
–
Hi Nat! Of course! It’s my pleasure 🙂 I am so honored to have helped.
I wish that I could answer but I have too much to say to type it all out, not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give direct advice in the comments section. I will try to write a post relating to your situation soon.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.
I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help you further ? The link to it is on the homepage.
All my love to you sister.
You are not alone xo
Hi Natasha,
This blog post was a god sent! as I recently had a mutual break up with my ex of 2 years and then found out through social media (go figure) that he had moved on almost immediately… As this was my first real relationship I was very hurt and confused that he could be that cold to move on so quickly. Making me doubt my self worth and feel even shittier than before. It made me so angry that I called him out for moving on so quickly publicly shaming him which was a learning experience that I learned the hard way… As he made me out to be that I was crazy and lying when I was right all a long eventually…. Now I know that the best way to get back at an ex during their “rub it in your face rebound moment” is to just do nothing and be the bigger person and let karma do all the hard work 🙂 This post really lifted my spirits on not feeling alone and really having another woman’s perspective almost identical to what I was/am going though. Thank you so much for sharing this, I have bookmarked this to refer back to if I am ever feeling crap during this healing period.
Much love XXX
Hi Sabrina! I am so happy and honored to have helped. I’ve definitely been there before. You are loved, understood, supported, believed in, backed, and never alone. Thank you for being a part of this tribe; thank you for your love, support, and for just being YOU. All my love to you soul sister. xx
Oh lordy I needed this post- this is EXACTLY what I needed- awesome and spot on! Thanks x
Happy it helped! 🙂 xx
I so needed to see this post. I am not exactly the ex, but a girl he was chatting up right after breaking off a multi year relationship. I kept asking him if he was sure he was ready to date and he kept saying yes. Told his family about us, wanted to meet mine. I admittedly fell too hard too fast and told him. Did the clingy girl thing and he inevitably told me he didn’t want anything serious at the moment. (thankfully I had not slept with him) Fine. Go work on yourself and be single for awhile is what I thought, even as heartbreaking as that was for me. Few days ago I got the digital version of a GUT punch when another girl tagged him on social media and how in love they are. This was a few posts with selfies of them together. All her friends congratulating them and saying what a cute couple they make. A few other friends have told me privately that they think he’s just playing the field and this girl jumped the gun. Still, what I’m struggling with is how he could allow this knowing FULL well that I’d see it. How can someone just hurt another like that? Have total disregard for someone else’s feelings? I thought this person was my friend and at least cared about me a little bit. I’m trying not to make it about me (we’re not in a relationship or even dating at this point so he doesn’t owe me anything) and accept that he’s showing me who he really is with this. That same friend said when he’s done with her he’ll come back to me. (he would always comment on my social media so it was obvious he liked me) Why would I even entertain him as a friend let alone anything else? Can you forgive someone who’s so reckless with your feelings like that? I am living my life and not reacting in any way, but it’s driving me nuts! If anyone has suggestions on how to handle this I would greatly appreciate it.
Hi Natasha! (love you name 🙂 ) Happy that the post helped!
I wish that I could answer but I have too much to say to type it all out, not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give direct advice in the comments section.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Other readers are here to support and I am going to be starting a secret Facebook group soon 🙂
I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help you further. The link to it is on the homepage.
All my love to you sister.
You are not alone xo
Natasha, you just get me. My ex and I were together for four years and had a very deep and well-seasoned relationship. Trips, birthdays, holidays, etc. with my three children and I (I’m divorced).
The last leg of 2017, I could see the end was near by his checked out attitude, irritability towards me for no reason and lack of affection… good Lord, the man didn’t even want to sit by me half the time. He left me on New Years Eve. Reasoning: he was checked out, doesn’t know what he wants, my insecurity was an issue (He made me insecure. That ass.) and he lost his connection with me.
It’s been seven weeks since he left me and wouldn’t you know, he’s already in a rebound with a 21 year old who’s in college and works at a convenience store. Wow, he picked a winner. I don’t know if I should be insulted or laugh and call him a dumbass.
We were such a power couple and his family was certain he would marry me. He’s almost 30 and I’m 35 and we both have great careers, so this makes no damn sense to me. Can we say “sex, please”, because I’m sure that’s all it is with this girl. She can offer him nothing but a discount on gas and maybe some stale donuts leftover from the day. He has no idea I’m aware of his new fling. Mutual friends are great, right?
We both attend the same gym. He’s in management there and I workout there. Tonight I happened to see him walking her outside after she finished her workout. I had no idea she went there. So something leads me to believe he was eyeballing her and developed an attraction for her. I’m pissed at how he could just fritter away four years with my children and I and rebound so quickly. And that’s what ultimately makes me feel like shit. God forbid he take this time to figure out what he wants, grieve and heal. Was there an apology to my children and I? Nope.
Anyways, enough venting. I’ve cried enough but I have my moments. He’ll come to his senses when his playtime falls apart in a few months. And I hope it does. Because if he doesn’t come back to me, then I’d prefer him to be with someone who is mature and experienced. Not this girl who just transitioned from being a teenager.
Do I miss him? Yep. Do I still love him? Yep. Would I take him back? Yep, but there’d have to be some serious changes. That sounds mad, I’m sure, but only I know what we had—all five of us. But until then, whatever happens, I’ll continue to work on me and be the best possible version he’ll see when I step foot in that gym. Fitted yoga pants and all. No more squeezing this booty, which he loved and couldn’t keep his hands off of. That’s the best revenge/torture and I don’t mind it at all.
P.S. I see a pattern here on nearly all these ladies’ posts. Their exes rebound with someone completely different from them. Ha! My ex did the same. I’m half Hispanic with dark brown hair and eyes. That’s what he loves! This college girl has dirty-blonde dyed hair and blue eyes. What’s this ‘difference’ pattern all about?
I’m so happy that the posts have helped 🙂 Thank you fo much for sharing and for being a part o this tribe. Keep having your own back and doing what is best for you and your family. Wish I had the time to write more. Sending you big love Krisypooh. XOX
Krissypooh! Girl! I hope you are doing okay. I am going down this same road and it is very raw still. You want to know what’s funny? My ex bought his rebound a horse. From what I understand, she’s never ridden. He and I would go riding/camping all the time. She is my polar opposite. I hear she is a very nice person and I sort of feel for her because she’s so excited about this. But, he is trying to turn her into me. Baahaahaa! He’s having to babysit her while they ride and a mutual friend said she is terrified of riding. Have fun with that! I hope you’ve reconsidered taking your ex back. I will never take mine back. Heck, the sheets didn’t have time to get cold. My ex made everything my fault, his actions and inactions, he said, were reactions to me staying at my own home during the week. He said I pushed him away. (3 years of neglecting my home to work on his began to wear on me) I can understand everything you said you were going through and I hope you have been able to move on and get free of the chains. This article has helped me more than I can put into words.
Bless your posts. They are helping me so much right now because they’re the wake up call I need. He was an emotionally unavailable, self seeking, little boy. Ugh.
I know this article is couple years old, but it helped me to calm down. I met my ex on my previous job, I did not know back then that he had broken up with another girl he been with for more than two years (they lived together). Everything was perfect in the beginning, but he was seriously ill, the reason of the break-up with another girl was that she couldn’t handle the stress with his health and they started to have problems. Eventually she was going out with someone else when they were on a ”break” or this is how he wanted to portray it. Later his friend told me that the girl wanted to support him, but he just couldn’t stop picking on every little thing about her. This started with me too, silent treatment, being rude, careless, then again sweet and kind.. total rollercoaster, but I excused him with his health problems, I stood by him all his treartment that lasted for a year! During this time I suggested that we should buy an apartment. I looked for a long time, every day, every hour and I finally found something perfect- just a walk away his job. As I started to move into same city with him I ended my work, so mortgage was made on his name (so stupid of me- I know). I decorated and did everything there, everyone in my family helped- even with money! The second the apartment was pretty much ready he throw me out.. we spent about couple months apart and then tried again. This time another problems arised but I again stood still and strong.. and out of the blue he tells me that he do not want to live with me.. I was so heart broken- this time I would not forgive. God, it was so hard to move out once again, I miss every corner of our home and him.. after break-up he started to pursue me again, promising me sun and stars, but I couldn’t trust him but all he did was talk or text, no real action. Even promised my family that he would marry me.. but I saw no real ring or him behind my door. 7 days after he sent me long text about how he will love me till death – another girl (10 years younger, no education,totally different than me) posted a picture in the apartment. It was about 1,5 months after our break-up and I heard from mutual friend that they already live together there after dating only 3 months.. they spend every weekend there, he never did that with me. I feel so used.. he been apologizing but at the same time changes his story a little by little- now it turns out he never loved me.. All I know now is that this is the fourth woman in a row that he been living with, between every break-up there been max 2 months period when his in a new relationship.. I mean I’m the longest by far he been with (little over 3 years).. but mostly all his relationships lasts for 2 years. I do not know is it a rebound and I’ve heard some stories about this girl that she only looks what the guy got (especially good car- and this is something he sure got). I met him with basically nothing.. I feel very betrayed.. and I compare myself alot with her.. but.. maybe it really got nothing to do with me and I feel I can’t speak to anyone about this. Hope it’s not too long, but I definitely revealed myself a little (sry for english,not native). Stay strong girls 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing Jessy! 🙂 I am happy that the post helped. Your English is perfect. Sending you so much love. XOXO
I am a gay guy, 38, and I broke up with a bf four months ago. We dated for a year and eight months. I have come back to read this post on rebound at least 10 times, as my ex bf found a new bf within the first month of our break up. This blog gives me clarity every single time I come back to read it again and again and again. I also have read every single post you have written on break ups. You are very insightful, funny, and awesome! Keep up the good work, I am also a yogi, and I appreciate you so much that you are also a yogi. Namaste!
Hi Victor! Thank you so much 🙂 That means everything to me. Namaste! xx
I needed to jot down a comment and thank you. My ex ended (again) our longterm relationship in January and it’s been so painful for me; everything has been uprooted. I’ve been having tremendous difficulty the last month & a half especially, coming to terms with his fuckboy-ness, seeing him post pics being with this blonde 12 years younger than him, out getting hammered, her in his hoodie from last night, etc. I’ve been in bed (literally) all weekend, my spirit just eviscerated from my body. It’s so painful and tiresome, and abruptly I googled “breakup ex flaunting new girl” and found your article. You touched on so many insecurities and thoughts in my head in this article, I’m so incredibly fortunate I found it. Im an intelligent woman but amazed by how elementary my brain has been while enduring this shit & processing the fallout. Thank you for this article. I hope to keep referring to it for strength and reassurance in growing from this chain-yanking that’s lasted over 10 years. I simply cannot do this to myself anymore. <3
Hi Laura! I’m glad that this post served you 🙂 You are understood, loved, valued, appreciated, and never alone. You got this!
Thanks for being a part of this tribe! XOXO
This is amazing! Thank you! <3
Happy it helped! 🙂 Thanks Elicia! XOXO
I’ll save the link to this article. It describes my feelings to a “t”. Dated this guy for a short time (but the hurt is not less), he was talking about the future, about what a good match we were, etc… Broke up with me by text because “we were not compatible” and the day after he starts dating another woman, who I later found out was already kept on the side. And now he is Prince Charming with her. Mind you we are in our forties.
Your article is reassuring because looking at it from the outside you would think that the guy has changed overnight.
So happy it helped 🙂 Thanks Renegade! xoxo
Hi Natasha, thank you for your blog I’ve been reading for over a year now and its helped me so much! I am 100% sure my ex is in a rebound relationship as it had definitely started as we were ending and moved incredibly quickly eg. social media, family holidays not even 2 months after we ended. Obviously I was upset at this time (January this year) but for the past 5 months I’ve just been focused on myself, my education, health, friends etc and feel so much better than I ever have with him. I also was very nearly 6 months without contact (him blocked on social media as well) then 2 nights ago he drunk called me multiple times and though I didn’t answe,r he texted saying sorry in the morning and I ended up replying, bluntly but still. I’d left it hours saying I wasn’t going to reply and then I did, anyway he ended up getting angry and saying he was happier with her than he ever was with me and that I was immature for ignoring him. I’m (slightly) panicking that I’ve ruined 6 months of good work from me (even though really I know I haven’t). Tbh if anything this has stopped those little blips you have where you think “but wait maybe he was the one and I lost him” because lets face it, the way he’s treated me now/in the past has proved he definitely isn’t. Anyway some more background, he has been talking about me to mutual friends A LOT, and some of them I am pretty sure he didn’t think I would end up finding out about, even saying he thought about me all the time and missed me etc whilst being with this new girl. I’ve only realised afterwards that I think I’ve annoyed his new girlfriend a few years ago by dating someone she had been with before. I know I shouldn’t make this all about me but it seems at least partly vengeful from both of them. Obviously I don’t want him in my life anymore and I am just worried that by answering his texts yesterday I’ve given him attention so he’ll carry on, think he’s “won” and it’ll start drama with his new girlfriend. Sorry for long message I understand if you can’t reply. Thanks, M x
Hi M!
Thank you so much for your love, support, and for being a part of this tribe ??
I wish that I had the time to answer in depth, but I don’t think you ruined it or did anything wrong/irreparably damaging. Just disengage now and stick to it. He’s clearly still invested and is giving you the gift of validating that you indeed dodged a bullet. xx
What a great post and just what I needed to hear today! My f*cktard did the whole start another relationship before fully ending the first one. He then was asking me to come up to see him and let’s work things out etc. and by an absolute stroke of grace I found out the day I was supposed to go up there when he said he wanted me to stay the night (which I didn’t plan on staying over) that he had gotten with a new girl and proposed to her within 2 weeks with the ring he bought me ? from a friend who’s husband works with said new girl. He then proceeded to tell me he was going to tell me that night but he wanted to tell me in person yea um ok. Even if that were true which I don’t believe for a second he lives an 1 and a half from me so you were gonna tell me then let me drive home upset over an hour away yea homie not better. He then proceeded to tell me that he only told me to stay the night so I wouldn’t feel like he was pushing me away (um if you have a fiancé isn’t that precisely what you are supposed to do?!?) and who invites someone over to their house to tell them their engaged instead of meeting for coffee or somewhere on neutral ground frankly a text would have been more than sufficient or I dunno you could have just not made contact with me at all. All the way around good riddance. I feel bad for her though.
Hi Nicky!
Wow. You dodged a bulett. I’m so happy that this post helped!
Thank you so much for sharing and for being a part of this tribe ?
XOXO
I love this! Thank you! I’ve sent it to myself to remind myself to read it when I start missing that a**hole! lol.
Thanks again. You definitely have helped me see things clearer with who my ex is and what I truely deserve just by reading your blogs.
Bless your heart??
Joce,
I wish that I could even BEGIN to expresss just how much that means to me ?? I am so happy and honored to help. You got this and you’re never alone. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. XOXO
Well, I guess you can say my ex is in a rebound relationship if he started seeing her like a week after the break up, went official on fb while I never got any committment and chose someone who’s a total opposite of me but it stills hurts to see him posting a sickly sweet pic of them and claiming she’s the one after 3 months of dating. I guess I should just feel sorry for the girl.
Yet another, spot on, inspiring and motivational post! I am still on my journey to recovery and your website is the site that keeps on giving. Just when I think i’ve read everything I can about break ups, I come across another little gem like this. Having had a particularly bad few days I found this and can’t tell you how much it gave me that kick up the arse/realigned my thought process and put me back on the right road again. Thank you x Helen from England.
Hi Helen!
That makes me so happy to hear that the post helped 🙂 You are never, ever alone. Sending you love from Los Angeles. We are all here and behind you 100%. If I can get through it, so.can.YOU. You got this and you got me + this entire tribe. xxxx
This is exactly what’s going on with me right now. She left me this time then now accidentally liked a photo on Instagram. I had no idea she had a new account cause I didnt look for her. When I looked it’s a bunch of quotes and selfies with the tags #goingout #happy and she was on bumble the day after we broke up just like the other times we broke up. I made my account private then she did. I deleted my account and now hers is public again. She wants me to look.
She also added a bunch of guys who tried to and probly succeeded in nailing her when we were together. If she didn’t wanna be with me anymore why play the victim like this? Like what’s her deal?
Hi Anon!
Wish that I had the time to advise/answer in the comments (thank you for your support and understanding). This sounds like game playing to me. I would not engage whatsoever. xo
I am going through this right now. I thought my now ex was having some alone time, after we had a difficult time, we hadn’t officially broken up. Then it starts, I get bombarded with screenshots of his and hers facebook posts for the last 2 weeks! (Of course, he’d just blocked me that day) Let me just say, my white horse turned into a wild bronc that could not be ridden. I unloaded on him that night with over 70 evil hateful text messages to which he only replied “I didn’t lie to you”. Mind F*cked here! We’ve been engaged since Feb of this year and then decided that we should date longer. You blogs have resurrected me into a living, functioning human being. I was a slobbering mess the first three days of this week.
Natasha, Post Male Syndrome has saved my life over the weeks, especially this post…
My partner and I broke up after almost six years. As I grieve and reflect, I am admitting some of the darker aspects of our relationship: mind games, gaslighting, hot-and-cold attitudes, anxiety, anger, etc. The worst was he pushed me into an open relationship I was too weak to say I did not want. He also is a love addict: he’s with guys for a certain amount of time, and then moves on to chase the limerence of new love.
My partner carried on a two-month affair with someone we met at a gay campground and had a sort-of threesome with the last weekend in June. He pushed and manipulated me into letting him go spend another weekend alone with this guy, by swearing he “just needed to get it out of his system” and he only loved me and would always come home to me.
August turned into pure torment for me, and I became so anxious and depressed I stooped eating and lost almost 30 pounds. Then he broke up with me… but concealed the affair still, and I found out about it later on in pictures. After I confronted him again, he said in a rush of tears that he was “absolutely crazy about him” and he “hasn’t been able to stop thinking about him since the moment they first locked eyes…” When we broke up initially, my ex texted him and this guy broke up with his partner of 14 years…
Now my partner is acting really weird. He doesn’t understand what there is to grieve while I am in deep grieving. He wants me to meet one of his new guy’s friends because he thinks I’d like him a lot. He thinks I should still go to his cousin’s wedding. And that’s just some of it.
Even though I should not care anymore, the Bargaining part of my grief does not want this to be my ex’s true love at first sight who he will run off with and marry, while I had the f*cktard.
Hi Steven!
Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to share <3 You have no idea how many people you have helped because by sharing, you affirm that none of us are ever alone in our feelings, relationsh*ts, experiences, fears, and pain.
Thank you for your love, support, and for being a part of this tribe. It means everything to me.
Don't allow anyone to bust your boundaries like this. I know it's hard.
He will not change. Someone who is capable of this kind of deception and selfishness is not going to be capable of empathizing on the level that is required to genuinely evolve.
Wish I had the time to write more. Keep coming back here to the blog - it WILL help. All my love to you. xo
love you. you’ve saved me in more ways than you can imagine!
thank you so much for working hard to create a space for all of us who needed this kind of place.
I’m forever grateful to you for your saving grace dude.
so much love !!!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxxox
I love you too and I am so happy to help 🙂 xoxo
Thank you so much for this read. It makes sense. I was with my ex for 9 years and I had to move out due to his poor choices. I thought me moving out would help him see his behavior is wrong but instead he brought a new woman home literally days after I moved out. Now they are together in another state. It’s so complicated and fucked up. I hope they crash and burn.
So happy that it helped! 🙂 Thank YOU so much, Rhi for sharing and for being a part of this tribe. You are not alone. XOX
Wow, Natasha!
I’m so glad I stumbled upon PMS. It’s helped me so much! Thank you!
I was in a relationship with this guy for 5 years. We’ve had some hard times and conflicts of course, but nothing we couldn’t deal with. We dealt with our issues together, like a team. He used to say we were a great team. He broke up with me a month ago. We met a couple of days ago – and I made a point to showcase I’ve reflected on the things I have done that led to the breakup. He was so happy to see me. He kept telling me how amazing I am, he kept hugging me out of nowhere, holding my hand and being reluctant to let go of it. I thought we were gonna get back together, but it quickly turned out that’s not gonna be the case.
If there’s one word that can describe that month we were apart, that would be growth for me. Physical, mental, emotional. He’s done nothing of that from what I could tell. But he’s got a new girlfriend. Two weeks after our relationship ended and he’s got a new girlfriend. A coworker that he kept telling me he’s not into. I guess I should learn to listen to my gut instincts more. I knew she was trouble. She was flirting with him, even though she knew he’s in a serious relationship. She’s the complete opposite of me. Turns out he’s already told her that he loves her.
The funny part? During our meeting he kept telling me he still has feelings for me, that he’s been missing me, that he’s terrified he’s made a mistake by letting me go. He told me he knows this situation seems wrong to everybody (including his family), but it seems right to him. Yet, when I said I can’t stay in his life, he broke down crying. “It feels so wrong not to have you in my life.” Well, make up your mind, buddy.
I’m scared and hurt. But I have to move on. I tried to make things work. He did, too. But I guess he didn’t wanna give it his all. The new, shiny thing cost him a 5-year loving relationship. I’m not sure he even realizes it, but what he did was emotional cheating. As much as it pains me, as much as I think these 5 years were fantastic, I have to move on.
Hi Hanna!
Thank you so much for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe. I’m glad that the post helped <3
I know how heartbroken, confused, scared and emotionally exhausted you are. I wish that I had the time to write more but it sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. You should be proud of how you handled yourself and the situation.
You are loved, appreciated, understood, and supported. Keep coming back here to the blog and just know...
You're never alone. XO
I’ve been reading your blog for the last couple of months since my last “almost” relationship fizzled out – the latest in a series of them over the last five years since I broke up with my ex in 2014. It’s helped me recognize how much of a love addict/people pleaser/unboundaried person I’ve been in all of my relationships, my Daddy issues and how I am playing out my unmet needs with one emotionally unavailable guy after the next. My latest case was the straw that broke the camel’s back: he told me he was a commitmentphobe on the third date, but I looked past it because we had so many interests in common and he was such a “nice person.” Then a serious family crisis happened, he was mostly MIA for over a month – I waited around, of course – and when we reconnected we had a few great weeks together, which were of course marred by my anxiety over what we were doing, why he would be physically distant, what he thought or felt about me, etc. As it turns out, he was still talking frequently to his ex, and eventually he broke up with me because he was feeling so depressed about himself, his family issues, and believed he couldn’t offer me a relationship. All of this in under three months! And I stayed friends with him believing it could work out in the future (he had indicated as much initially), only to be told about a month later that a friend has asked him out on a date and he had accepted.
Naturally, at this point, I cut things off completely, though I had the unpleasant experience of running into him with his new girlfriend at the grocery store not too long ago. Since we don’t live far from each other, I imagine this will happen again. I will come back to this article and read it again and again when that panic or anxiety about what happened hits me, like it did in the store. The truth is that I was his rebound from his ex – and this girl is from me. I feel sorry for myself and the other people that are in this position. We need to take better care of ourselves not to get involved with or attract these types. With your help we definitely can.
Mimi,
Your beautiful comment made me tear up <3 I am so happy and honored to help. You are not alone in this (or ever). Thank you so much for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you soul sister. xx
Natasha,
This is amazing thank you.
Will this apply to him as he broke up with me and got into a relationship within 3 months. X
I’m so happy it helped ???? I would need to know more details but yes that is a very short amount of time. Xx
Natasha I really don’t know what i would do without your posts. They have kept me going for the last 2 months and I never feel alone. I thought going through the breakup was hard enough. But last night I found out that he is seeing a married woman from work (we met at the same work too) and probably was seeing her when he finished it with me. I’m so angry with both of them and so sad for her family. At the same time I feel a sort of relief that I can stop missing this obvious fu**boy and can move on with my life. You’re fabulous, thank you for your wonderful words of inspiration and encouragement. I will stay on my white horse no matter what xx
Hi Marie!
I am so happy that the posts have helped 🙂 I’ve been there and you are never alone. EXACTLY – as painful and messed up as this situation is, it is a gift. Truly. You get to see exactly who this person is and subsequently, exactly what you DON’T want.
It takes one to know one sister <3 Love you. xx
Well, all I had to was change the “he” in this post to “she” and you have the F*cktard I was with for the past 18 months. She started 5 months ago set on finding a job on the west coast because she failed to find one here. I thought it made sense since I knew she was very discouraged with her career. We discussed at LEAST 5 times what we would do with “us”. And each time, she said we would be fine, we’ll just go back and forth, it won’t be that much different (we saw each other 1-2x per week, because she was a self-described introvert and needed her “space”). She said “I”m not moving out there for a relationship” at least 3 times. She finally got an offer, and would be leaving in a few weeks. I offered to drive with her, and/or meet her out there to help with the transition…she declined saying she needed alone time and would be too busy with stuff when she got there. But, she continued to see me here as if nothing was happening right up to the day she left. She left without a tear in the morning and scurried away. Last time I ever saw her. She even called me on the way out there — and again said ‘oh we will be fine!”….then she starts working the next day and I hear nothing…crickets. I have to text her about 3 times over the course of a week and ask her to call me about when I might visit. She finally calls and explains oh maybe in a month or 2, I’m super busy with my career, and I will be too stressed if you are here. Then, about 3 weeks later, she changes her FB status to “in a relationship” with the new guy complete with cheesy picture. (oh, and she changed her FB name so I wouldn’t find it I guess). I figured she met him last fall when she went to burning man and kept in contact. Needless to say she’s been a lying douche bag for months on end. I”m sure she’ll be the same douche bag with the new guy once the honeymoon is over.
Thank you SO much for taking the time to comment and YES – all of my writing is applicable to any gender or orientation so thank you for affirming that and sharing. It means everything to me.
I have definitely been there. I’m so sorry that you’ve gone through this all. And yes, from what you wrote, it does not seem as though she will change at all.
You are not alone.
Natasha,
I truly don’t know what I would do without you or your blog. You have gotten me through some of my hardest todays and today has definitely been one of those days. I got a call this morning from a girl that’s a friend (who I never talk to) of my ex boyfriend whose roommate had been spending time with him over the past two weeks, only just three weeks after he and I stopped talking. We lived together and were very serious so I feel discarded that much more and also, why his friend is getting his exes involved and not calling the police is unbeknownst to me.) Come to find out he got violent and hit her. I knew he had a temper and he had gotten aggressive with me before but never physical. I’m just in a state of shock. I shouldn’t be truly from everything he’s done. He’s blocked on everything and has been since we stopped talking, but on top of trying to move on, feeling discarded then this, I feel like all of my old wounds are open again and it’s taking everything I have to be strong. I want to let go of the pain, the hate in my heart, but it feels impossible. I should be so grateful he’s leaving me alone and that wasn’t me, but I don’t, I feel worse.
I love you lots ?
Natasha,
I wanted to apologize for that post..^ it was not appropriate to share that kind of detail.
I was married for 17 years to finally, towards the end, figured out he was a narcissist. He would go weeks and months without speaking to me. He would never go anywhere with me. Not even to the grocery store. I asked him to go hiking with me and after 16 years of me knowing him, tells me he has bad knees and can’t go. He never had vacation time to go anywhere with me. OH and we never had money. I paid for everything even the mortgage and all the bills (yes he worked). He always had an excuse. So, his treatment got worse toward the end. We went on our 17 yr anniversary and he stared at other women the whole time. He wouldn’t compliment me (after I took over an hour doing my hair just for him). He would come home without his wedding ring on and purposely left his work phone in his work truck (he used to bring home). Finally, after, again, 2 months of not speaking to me, gas lighting and the dirty looks like he wants me dead, he backed me into a corner. I asked for the divorce. He was moved out within 2 hours (I didn’t tell him to do that). Paperwork was filed right away and during the process, I found out he was seeing someone. Now he is with someone else younger in a serious relationship and doing everything with her-even going to church! (I couldn’t get him to go with me). i found her on facebook and she is a hiker. Ha, short blond hair and a single mom of 2 younger kids. He has now introduced her to my kids and they are acting like a family. We now have only been divorced for 3 months. I am sick over it. I also found out that he has had a separate life….friends I never knew about. Supposedly he met her and the other girl thru friends. When we were married, he didn’t have one friend. I tried to get him to go out. He is also working out every day and my kids say he has thousands of hundred dollar bills in his wallet
Please tell me this is a rebound?
When I read your article, I can tick off all the signs you mention on my estranged husband behaviours. I married my ex for 14 years and just 2 weeks after separating, he shows off his Asian ladyboy gf (brought from overseas) who he just first met in person to his closed family but no one approve them both due to how they got together. However, a full baggage he is carrying with him starts to have an impact on him. All kind attachments developed and he could not function without her next to him. I am dealing with pain and grief on my own and getting stronger and become more and more independent and regain self identity and so on. I used to feel upset like other women about why he treated the new fling better n pour all of what I wanted to that person. But it is all about insecurity and very low self-esteem he is having. He can’t deal with life without the rebound object. I am interesting to see how his emotions are going to be like when his rebound relationship ends. And it has to be ended because their love is on multiply entry visa journey and he can’t bring her to the country due to the legal condition he created in the past. Make it or break it. All I know that self-love and self-care are important for us. And let the time heals. I am a single mum with a son and live on my own in a foreign country with no close relatives. If I can do it, you can do it to.
I must say this article definitely hit the spot. Me and my ex have a daughter together who is just turning 4 (a leap year baby). I have had to see her (My ex) go through a bf she met 5 months after my daughter was born and move into his house then leave and then a new partner which she marriage/divorce, then went through a “realization” she was lesbian and got into a one year relationship also got engaged with this girl and then broke that off and realized she gave up on her family too easily and wanted that back. So why wouldn’t I want to try to have my family back together and thought I saw a possibility of it working because of the words that were tethered so nicely to convince me, well that lasted 6 months and broke up this past Xmas eve and moved out 1/6 of the new year and now has a new partner lined up and thinks it’s okay to start sleeping over at his place because well he has two kids of his own too and there is “nothing” wrong with my almost 4 year old sleeping over too. I’ve been beating myself up that I wasn’t a good enough guy and I failed my family again but this article opened my eyes that it’s not just guys who are harsh but females can be too. Thank you for this article, I plan on making it a go to read when I forget her actions don’t define me!
Hi Abe,
Thank you for taking the time to share and for being a part of this community. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through this all.
It is DEFINITELY not a certain gender that can be harsh/toxic. Men are not the problem and I’m not into male-bashing. Toxicity is the problem. Selfishness is the problem. Insecurity is the problem. Undealt-with trauma is the problem. Deception is the problem.
And the list goes on.
I write from the perspective of a straight female because I am one but what I write about does not discriminate against gender, age, or orientation. You did not fail your family and you are more than enough. You just have to now start acting on “enough” and your limits being hit.
I know that I obviously do not know all of the details and it gets much more complicated when a child is involved. I wish that I had the time to write more but thank you for being here and for being you.
You are understood, supported, loved, backed, and believed in. All my love and support to you.
Natasha,
Thank you for your response! Your words a pure and so so kind! I will take your words and use them as part of my reminder to keep pushing forward every day. Thank you for being an amazing human that shows love and support to all!
Right back at you Abe 🙂
I have read many many articles about rebounds and listened different coaches and videos. But this one is really on top.
Im going through the same thing and this articles perfectly describes the whole situation.
My ex broke up with me saying we need “break” first. We slept together for a month and I only got mixed signals from him so I got tired of this and we officialy broke up. Not even two weeks later I found out he was with his client girl (he works as a personal trainer, became very narcissistic..as described in the article). He started doing all the things that he did with me. We planned going to Los Angeles this year. We were dreaming about it for almost a year. Now guess what, he went there with her, posting photos on social media now abut their amazing fantasy dream vacation (Im not looking, I just know from mutual friends), I dont give him the ego stroke he needs.. ) .. Ye so, this is damn hard. But Im focusing on myself, it gives me motivation to be as strong as I can be, possibly. 🙂 Knowing that their “relationship” seems really toxic, since they dont know each other properly and already went to vacation which he pays I guess because she is still teen (he is 27 and she is 19, lol).
So maybe my experience will help to somebody. Girls, we deserve better, this is really sick. They are just living non reality shit, fantasy, projection. 🙂
Keep staying strong, working on yourself. 🙂
Natasha, it’s 4am where I am, but I have to tell you my story and thank you for giving everyone this gift. You are incredible. I was in a relationship for about four years. Met online, fantastic first date, love at first sight. The emotions, understanding and connection felt out of this world. In retrospect I understand it was our mutual need, our mutual trauma, our codependent and counterbalanced unmet desires and the roles we were too willing to play that yoked us together. When I met my ex, he was a waiter who had been rejected from every medical school. I believed in him, and encouraged him to apply to international schools. He got in. We did long distance for nearly a year before I upped and moved to him. Got a job in a new country, stayed up every day to help him study (while also making the most of my time to get away from my toxic family dynamics and heal from those wounds + explore myself), took care of his needs and in many ways we had a fantastic love. There were signs but the general temperature was one of love and joy. Moved back to the states- first time we werent literally on an island with just each other. My career started to take off, he was in clinical rotations, and our emotional problems escalated. He was rightfully worried about an unhealthy work environment and my own workaholism, but I could also sense he resented feeling like he was both losing me, losing control, and in all honesty, getting complacent. He becamw verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative/oppressive when I started pushing back on unfairness, his ever increasing domineering attitude, personal insults masked as concern, and a host of other things. Long story short, I broke off the relationship after asking myself what do I want love to feel like, and was I willing to sacrifice my own self love and respect for someone elses in my place. The answer was no. It tore my heart out and i cried for weeks and I have been single (date here and there but nothing serious intentionally) for nearly 4 years. My ex however got with someone who looks just like me, same initials, and literally takes her everywhere we went/ recreates photos. She doesn’t know this. For more context, my ex was abused by his mother for many years and one of the things I admire most is that he transformed his pain into healing people and is an incredible doctor and surgeon. I kept him out of my life while I found myself for years. Life has it that we’ve been reconnected and he wants to go for coffee. I don’t hate him and am grateful for the good in the love we shared. But in reading this, the small tiny candle that I carried that held the best of our love was firmly put in place. He did not grow. I was right to leave. I can give and be love without giving myself away.
Janet,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to share. I hope you know how many people you’ve made feel less alone just by sharing your story <3
So happy that the post helped; it's what I live for – to help people feel less alone. Thank you for your love and support.
You are loved, believed in, supported, and appreciated. XOX
Natasha,
I really hope that you read this because I am in desperate need. My ex and I were together for two years before he called it quits in May. Long story short, I became friends with a guy at work and the intention was to only stay friends. That guy was offering marriage, family, and etc. My ex wanted to wait till we were stable and I get that. I asked the guy to kiss to in order to know what I felt was real or not. My ex found out by going through my phone. We were suppose to break up in April, but I fought for our relationship. Yes, there was nothing that would make our relationship go back to normal considering what I did was wrong, but we tried. In the last weeks of May, we house sat and I thought everything was okay. We went to work, I cooked, we cleaned, and then relaxed. Before he broke up with he, he told me that I was his biggest weakness. The day he broke up with me, he bought his two best friends to bring me my stuff and said “If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be able to do this. You are my biggest weakness.” He would tell me how he doesn’t think this is the end of us and only time can tell.
It got to the point where I didnt want his stuff at my house and I told him I would take it to him. We talked, laughed, yelled, and talked some more. He told me that he will always love and care for me, but he is not involve with me anymore. At that point, we have been broken up for two weeks. As I get into my car, this girl pulls into his drive way. Not just any girl, a friend that he told me was “gay” and told me I had nothing to worry about. When I confronted him, he said it was none of my business. They apparently hold hands, take breaks and lunches together, and take each other to work. She is suppose to be moving this month. My birthday passed and yearned for him to tell me Happy Birthday but he never did.
I do not know what to do at this point. I love him. I really do. He is 22 years old and I was his first girlfriend. I gave him a love out of his wildest dreams, confidence, and a family that loved him. After everything, my heart is still full of hope. Do I let go or keep hoping? I am very desperate.
Hi Selena!
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this all. It’s humanely impossible for me to advise on the comments (which is why I set up coaching; thank you for your kindness and understanding). I would need to know more details but based on what you shared, I would be done. You deserve so.much.more.
All my love to you sister. xo
I have read this article more times than I can count in the last week….it covers exactly what I’m going through and validated what I’ve been feeling inside. Wonderful piece, even though the subject sucks! LOL!! Thank you Natasha!!
So happy it helped! 🙂 Thanks for being a part of this tribe Brandi.
You are not alone. Love you. xxo
Thank you so much for sharing this. I recently broke up with my ex and we had an understanding and supportive conversation during the breakup. He said he still cares a lot for me, and is willing to help me feel better and that I don’t have to go through it alone. We didn’t block each other or anything at the time. One week later, I accidentally viewed his story on social media that he was at some nightclub, and took a picture with another girl. My instinct was that, he meant this for me. So i could see him moving on. Compared to the mature conversation we had, this all of a sudden seemed immature and out of character. We’ve been together 2 years, and knowing him, he is trying to use someone else to move on but hasn’t taken the time to look inside himself. I told him that I know it was meant for me but there was no need, as I have the strength to move on, and wished him all the best. He comes back with: uh, it wasn’t meant for you… like I said, you can unfollow me or something to move on faster.
Made me seem like I was thinking myself more important than I actually was to him. This is exactly what is being described in the article. I blocked him. It hurts a ton, but I know it will get better.
Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to share Linda. You are doing the right thing and are such an inspiration.
All my love to you soul sister. Thanks for being a part of this tribe 🙂 xx
Hi, I’ve recently broke up with my ex 2 months ago. And I just received news that he was back with his ex after 2 weeks of breaking up. We were together for 4 years of hard battles including cheating on his part and long distance relationship. But somehow we managed to pull through. He came back a few months ago because his father passed away. So we were together almost every day since he came back. And all of a sudden, in the middle of a heated argument he decided to break up with me. I was successful on doing 30days of no contact as he was the one who repeatedly reached out to me. But I decided not to talk to him. After those 30days. He asked me to go out with him. I still didn’t know he was back with his ex. We met up. Talked and decided to take things slow. And today I just knew that he was back with his ex. I don’t know what to do. This ex of his broke up with him before because she didn’t like guys who drink and this was 10years ago. They were only together for a few months. I just dont know what to do about it now. Please help.
Thank you Natasha for this article. I recently (little over a month ago) got out of a year and half toxic relationship and he’s already dating someone new. It started right after we split and she’s out of state where he spent a weekend with her and they have been posting couple pics since. It makes me want to barf cause she’s a tool (being that I did the worse thing you could do and DMED her warning her about him even shown her pics of the holes he put in my walls telling her he’s a narcissist and abusive and watch out with her daughter but of course he’s charming and naive) and so is he. At first I was devastated and for about a month I was crying hysterically (before knowing he found someone else but having an idea) and then I saw a post she posted of him and her together and I went into panic mode.. luckily I fell upon this article through my obsessive, compulsive researching trying to find an answer and this was just what I needed to gain my self respect, dignity, and self esteem back. I have read this article quite a few times and it has tremendously helped turn on a huge light switch. I know I am far better off without him and I pity the woman he’s with cause right now they are in the honey moon phase but soon enough the curtains will be drawn and the play shall proceed once more. So good luck to her and him I wished him best and happiness on my last and final message a week ago after reading this article. She can have the constant headache and anxiety. BYE Felicia! LOL
Jillian,
THANK YOU so much for taking the time to share. Your comment made me tear up. I’m so happy that the post helped. It’s what I live for.
You are never, ever alone. Hope one day that we can meet in person. Xox
You are WAY better than that. Honestly you are. Im happier now but i still get sad but thwn i think of all the awful things and im like no way i deserve real love and affection and someone who wants a proper equal relationship 5
I love seeing this love and support ♥️
I can’t even explain how much reading your post has helped me. I needed to read something like this to stop blaming myself for feeling hurt. Thank you.
So happy it helped! You are never alone.
Thanks Irene 🙂 xo
I found out last week that my ex had a girlfriend. I was texting him to see how he was and he really didn’t respond. Then all of a sudden he questioned me on why I texted him, and after I told him my intentions (which were completely innocent) he said his girlfriend did not want him talking to me. I do not know how long they were together and I do not want to pry. My heart hurt when he told me that. I have been in love with this man for 2 years. We dated off and on (only broke up 2 times) and we broke up the second time because of my parents. Neither of us did anything wrong but my mom and dad told me to end it. He ended it instead and told me he still loved me and that I was his other half. Then he said a day later that he didn’t want me anymore and that the relationship was not worth fixing. This was 7 months ago. I am not sure if he is in a rebound relationship because of how long he and I were apart. maybe someone can help me understand a little more.
Wow! Never before I was so compelled to comment on such blogs. My fiancé and I had a nasty and amorío al break up 16 months ago – same old story of growing resentments towards a man who had a hard time with 100% commitment to another.
Two days ago, I’ve found out that his new missus is already 7 months pregnant! Well, needless to say, I really needed to read this post today.
My emotionally bankrupt ex-girlfriend got into a relationship with my best friend just 2-3 weeks after we broke up. (I broke up with her.) Their relationship just lasted 3 months!
Wow. Sounds like they were each other’s karma. You dodged a bullet.
THANK YOU for sharing Mike!!
I really needed to read this. My ex & I split from our 6 year relationship & a month later a girl from out of state that he started talking to the day i left cane to visit him for a weekend. When she left back to where she lives, he came banging on my apartment door apologizing. I didn’t give in. But months later we have been fooling around (i guess behind her back) had sex 10 days ago and i just learned a week after we did he was in her state visiting her taking her to these beautiful places. I’ve never been anywhere. His idea of us spending time together was me watching him play video games. It hurts. A few days before he left on a plane to see her i stopped talking to him because i realized he wanted us both & that’s not me. & now I’m heartbroken.
I am so sorry you’re going through this, Mia. Stay in no contact and just know that you’re not alone. xo
Ex ended our relationship 4 months ago because he couldn’t cope with me being 8 years older, (I just turned 40) even though he said he wanted commitment, marriage, a house and children etc. the night before and he had been saying that for a few months. He thought I was 36/37. Age hadn’t come up before, it was the only thing we didn’t discuss in over 3 years (only official for 6 months) and hadn’t been together for birthdays. Sounds silly now.
I made the mistakes. Cried, begged etc. Then went no contact. 2 months and a few messages later, I asked him if we could meet up for a coffee or drink. We don’t live near but I was going to stay with a friend who lives near him. He said he would get coffee but told me he has met someone and he would like to stay in contact. We both know that won’t happen and there is enough distance between us not to see each other.
He’s with her nearly 10 weeks now. He was always a talker, we spoke on phone for hours when we weren’t together, he didn’t really text me (hates texting due to dyslexia) if I did text him, I would see the last time he was online was from replying to my text. I have since deleted his number after seeing he was always online messaging her.
As far as I am aware, he didn’t know her before. I didn’t reply to his message about her. I told him I was deleting him off social media and his number etc as I needed it to move on. He said he hopes we can reconnect in time. I’m sure that was to be nice.
I tried exercise, hobbies, moving on etc. but I can’t get over him. I adored him and saw him as the one I wanted to spend my life with. I’m presuming it’s not a rebound and he is happy in his new relationship?
It’s hard to stay in no contact when we have a 4 year old together and were together for 6 years 🙁 but i am trying my best. I recently saw a photo of them together & i won’t lie and say it didn’t kill me bc it did. I didn’t realize they were in love with each other already by the comments in the photo so i guess you can say it got to me. I blocked him off all social media. I think it’s better not to see anything until I’m finally over it.
Similar mia. I have a child too so cant have no contact so i tolerate him now. Keep well we deserve better x
My ex girlfriend dumped me just two weeks into national lock down on April 12th. I then found out she was with someone new and married by the end of August. What are your thoughts on this please Natalie?
Natasha,
Thank you for writing this. My ex is so self absorbed and is dating someone just for the sake of dating the person. At first I thought it was me, but realized that she did this to hurt me. To get me to feel pain. Pure spite. This guide helped me fall back to my plan and NOT contact her. I need to have dignity.
YES YOU DO!!! Thank YOU so much Guillermo – for taking the time to reach out and for being a part of this tribe.
I’m happy that the post helped!
You got this! We are all cheering you on.
Hi Natasha, everything you have said makes soooo much sense,
My ex girlfriend had a huge amount of ex boyfriends and most of her facebook friends are all men feeding her compliments, she even keeps pictures of all her past relationships claiming she did so cos its her life story,
anyway we split up and within just 5 WEEKS she posted on facebook that she was in a relationship with this other guy infact her and him were pictured on her profile page looking very lovey dovey as youd guess hugging with beaming smiles,
This new guy is bald headed with a grey beard and overweight where as i am very dark haired greek looking , muscular and in good shape he looks totally the opposite to me in every way.,
While i was with her i soon worked out that this was a woman that craved attention from other men, she couldnt talk to another man without doing so in a flirty way, and she would blatantly do so right infront of me,
if i questioned her, her reply was that i had problems and should see a shrink, she would never ever entertain the fact that she had any flaws whatso ever and would immediately cut you off if you were to address it. or tell her, everyone else had the problem not her in total denial,
she told me all the other guys she had been with had either drink problems or anger issues or whatever but i replied its the law of averages that some of these guys were good men so maybe just maybe it was her that was the problem BUT SHE WOULDNT HAVE ANY OF THAT and would immediately cut me off and change the subject in denial.
What do you make of this ex of mine i would appreciate your opinion,
Thanks Natasha
I think you are much better off without this toxicity, selfishness, and denial/lack of accountability in your life! Thank you for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe!
Hello Natasha!
So I was speaking to this guy that I reached out to in the beginning. I had heard that he was a little messy and jumped from person to person, but I still went in with an open mind. I spoke to this man for 7 months during quarantine. I would see him almost everyday he would pop up places that I would be just to see me. He knew what I knew about him and there were times where I would question him on things that I heard he had done while speaking to me, and he would ignore me for 4 or 5 days, and then start speaking again saying “I’m not mad at you anymore.” This happened like four times during our “relationship.” I had moments where I would just pull back and let him do whatever and he would get upset and not be able to take it. He went on vacation right towards the very end of our relationship and the whole time he was worried about me and wanted to see me well he came back from vacation and the relationship was better than ever. Well something happened that I didn’t agree with it was very disrespectful, but I never lashed out I just cried. Well he cut me off for a week and I was the only one trying to fix it and showing that I cared. Well all of the sudden he has this girl over at his house, and I think he’s known her for awhile she’s a mutual friend, and she has gone out with one of his really good friends. He never told me we were done or anything just ghosted me. Now this girl is constantly over and he knows I can see her over there. Is this a rebound girl? Or someone to get a reaction out of me? I’m wondering because I’ve reacted before because of other girls if he thought that’s how I would fight for him. Will he end up thinking it’s ok to come back since I was nice and tried to fix it until the very end? I never did him dirty I was very loyal to him.
Thank you so much!
She is also the EXACT opposite of me
Hi Laura!
It’s so hard for me to advise on comments (thank you for your kindness and understanding). I would need to know more details but it sounds like he is reaction fishing. You are incredible and deserve much better. All my love to you, soul sister. xox
This helped me so much, even though I am a guy. My ex spends more time with her new boy than I ever did because I was always so busy with school and sports and family. This new guys does nothing, so they can always spend time with each other. I’ve been convinced that she really is happier. It felt like I was simply replaced. Reading this opened my eyes. It’s only been a month, and she’s already with him. She boasts it in front of me, and he really is the complete opposite of me. All good signs. This was comforting to read in a time of need, thank you.
So happy it helped! Thank you for taking the time to reach out Ryan. And thank you for being a part of this tribe. You are not alone. xox
Hi, thank you for this. Since i found out my separated yet atill married husband began a bew relationship ive found ive obsessed a bit about it. We were togwther 12 years married for 2 year. Lack of communication, alwaya going out despite me having a new baby, isolated in a city that only he wanted to live in eventually ended our marriage as i couldnt take the lack of suport and on many occasions complete disrespect. I followed him everywhere and did what he wanted but when i became a mother i wanted. Bit of control over my life but he acted like a single man going out, leaving me on my birthday while he went to a match. There was financial abuse, gaslighting you name it. We separated but we were trying(well obviously just me) to work on things. Within a week of marriage counselling stopping he was with someone new, he has denied it but there has been undeniable proof. He has justified hia behaviour in some way. Thank you its hard but i know i wasnt treated right
thank you so much for this. me and my ex boyfriend broke up two months ago and he started dating a girl a week ago and has already posted about her and acts so happy. but two days before they got together, we met up to do stuff, so all of these details lead me to believe this is definitely a rebound. i want him back so badly and i hoping he’s able to come to his senses.
My ex is in a rebound and it hurts so much. He got with her 2 weeks after we broke up from our serious, committed 3 year relationship. It’s clearly not a genuine connection with her, but it still hurts so bad. He even admitted to me in the beginning that it wasn’t anything serious and that he just needed a distraction. They have no common interests and she’s the opposite of me, but he spends every day at her house and I think he lives with her now. I know he’s just trying to find a distraction and that I am infinitely better for him. Even though I’m fully aware of all of that, and it’s been nearly 2 months now since the breakup, the tight feeling in my chest and nausea I have imagining him with someone else won’t go away.
I am in so much pain but I know I am better. We had everything in common, a deep connection, shared interests, the same morals/values and the same long-term future goals. He said he just lost “romantic feelings” for me. He wanted to be friends still because he couldn’t let me go. I said no, I can’t be your friend. I have gone no contact, but we still have to have some “contact” through mutual friends because we leased an apartment together, and I get his mail. I still live there but I basically told him I cannot live with him or see him or speak to him, so he took a bag of his stuff and he’s living elsewhere right now, most of his stuff is still here, haunting me.
I just hope he crashes hard out of this rebound and realizes what a mistake he made, and hurts as badly as he hurt me.
Can the moderator please remove my last name on the post I sent.
Hi Scott!
Don’t worry, I saw this before I even hit “approve” on the comment you wanted to be deleted. It was never published 🙂
everything is so beautifully and accurately written, and I know it all in my head, but I don’t know how … I can’t move on ☹️
We were together for 12y, of which 8.5 y were (legally, still is) marriage. We have three children (4 to 8y).
In January of this year, it was suddenly “we are fundamentally different” and “no, there is no other woman”, in February he moved out of the apartment where we lived together for 10.5 y. (that 2 month day and night he exchanged messages with someone).
In June, he told me via message “it’s a matter of years of disagreement and that wasn’t life, it was torture” and he mentioned the official divorce for the first time.
In late August, I found that he had begun an relationship with a co-worker only 30-45 days after moving out. She has been present in his life since the first day we met, she knows me, I know her…hey she was at our wedding!
During these 12 years, on several occasions, she was presented to me as a fat fool who does nothing and has that position at work only thanks to the love relationships she had with co-workers from the same company only from other region.
And she was able to follow (trought social media) our whole life, our relationship from the beginning, marriage, the birth of each child, the celebration of each child’s birthday, all anniversaries, summer vacations, winter vacations …
And now I should to beleive that his relationship with her did not exist before, while he was still living with me and the children?! While I thought everything (more or less) was ok. It may not have been a physical connection, but it was an emotional one!
Btw, theirs relationship is very serious because after only 2 months (from the alleged beginning of the relationship) he introduced her to our children (ofcourse not as his partner) and only 4 months (again from the alleged beginning of the relationship) he introduced her to his mother.
I know the two of us were distanc ourselves and that I put the kids in the first place (it may have been my fault), but with so much of his business commitments (long office stays and frequent business trips), my job, 3 kids and housekeeping, makes me that distancing is inevitable. But I looked at it this way: children are growing, becoming more independent and there will be more and more time for the two of us. I was obviously wrong….
And in all of that, the problem is that he always had my maximum trust, I believed and I still believe that my marriage was almost perfect and that “almost” was that we both lacked more time for each other.
It has passed 10 months since he moved. Hey 10 months! A new life is born in 9 months, and I am still desperate and broken, my whole world has collapsed!
He felt sad and unhappy, but he did not find it appropriate to talk about it with me (with his wife who should be the closest person he has). No, I was supposed to read the signals. Unfortunately I feel responsible for the breakup of our marriage and family.
Unfortunately, because of the children, I have to keep in touch with him, which makes the situation even more difficult for me. I wish I could completely cut him out of my life!
I will try to write more about this soon. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing Maja and for being a part of this tribe.
I can’t tell you what a relief it is to have found this website. I have reread this specific post numerous times in the past 24 hours. I just left a 6 year long toxic relationship 3 months ago and he got back together with an old girlfriend 2 weeks after I moved out. I found out yesterday that his new girlfriend is there with him and my stepdaughter this whole week. We have a 4 year old daughter together (she’s with me full time) so there has to be some communication between us but after reading this I feel like I can weather that contact. My ex is frantically trying to put a bandaid on a gushing wound that doesn’t have the resources to heal. Meanwhile, I’m repairing myself and am on the road to happiness I never thought possible. I very sincerely thank you Natasha for giving me a lift on this journey.
Iris, thank YOU from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to share (and in turn, inspiring so many).
I am so happy that the posts have helped and so incredibly proud of you. Love you, soul sister. xxo
In reading other’s posts on here, it seems there are many who face the challenge of communicating with their ex because they have children together. Do you feel comfortable writing a post about how to maintain boundaries and still effectively communicate with a toxic ex? I find that more is required, especially with small children, than simply talking about scheduling and keeping it to a bare minimum. There are conversations that need to take place about a child’s emotional needs, behavioral issues, education, etc., (not to mention facilitating communication between child and parent if they are long distance). Our exes, whatever their level of toxicity, must be interacted with, for some multiple times a week. Some guidance on how to protect ourselves and our children while also maintaining communication with the ex seems to be an ambiguous area that many struggle with. I’m sure a lot of us would value your insight. Do you foresee writing anything, or have you already written something, related to this? Thank you sincerely again.
Thank you so much Iris for this incredible recommendation. I have the next few blog post topics already set but will try to write about this as soon as possible. It’s been difficult because I have been writing my book while continuing to blog, coach clients, and develop new courses but I will get to this topic as soon as I possibly can.
Thank you so much for your kindness, patience, understanding, love, and support. xxo
Thank you for this, I am reading this as I feel my ex is trying to relive our relationship through someone new. Taking them to places we went or wanted to go to etc… I guess only time will tell if this is a rebound or a genuine connection but from what I’ve read I believe it won’t last that long if there has been no healing done.
You are not alone, Theresa. Thank you for being here and thank you for being you.
All my love to you. xox
I appreciate this blog so much .
I appreciate YOU so much, Jessica.
Thank you for your love, support, and for being a part of this tribe.
Thank you for being you. xox
My ex and I dated for 3 years and broke up almost 3 years ago. It’s beyond frustrating and upsetting that I have not been able to move on. Before we broke up he was moving for an internship from NJ to FL. We had always talked about our future, our goals and the life we wanted to live together. Several months before he left he sat down with my parents and discussed his intentions on marrying me, even though long distance would be hard he ensured them as well as me we would get through it no matter what because I was the only girl for him. He planned a 2 week road trip for us for driving him and moving him to FL. And months before he left he got me a promise ring and swore to me that all of our goals and plans were going to happen that at the end of the day we love each other and that will always get us through. Well after the road trip where we looked at future apartments and houses, he started to call and text less and less. Then he blocked me and my family from social media and then I found out he cheated with a girl he met in FL. It shook me to my core and broke me because he treated me amazingly, was always there for me, and we just always had a solid relationship so I was very shocked when I found out. After a month or so he tried to come back with “I’m so sorry I lost sight of who I was” of course until that same girl came back in the picture then he would leave again. After that relationship ended he came back to me again trying to manipulate me only until he met another new girl for about a month. Then I happened to be in FL a month later and saw him in person. After seeing me in person he claimed he didn’t realize how much damage he had done, how broken I was over him. He reached out to my parents begging for forgiveness from them and me. He bought me a plane ticket to bring me to FL. He was telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me everyday like that was just going to erase what he had done. Then he ultimately started talking to and dating another coworker while still texting me on the side. Ultimately things ended between us because he was dishonest again, shame on me for believing him I know. But a lot of people tell me that he went with her because she was the easier option she didn’t know his last and all the lies and manipulation. But he is still with her two years later, and here I am still not over someone who lied and cheated on me. I just don’t get why I can’t let go, even if I’m my head he’s changed and become amazing to her and I’m jealous as to why she deserves that and I didn’t. I want to move on and let go and I just don’t know why I’m not allowing myself to.
Brittany,
I am so sorry that you’ve gone through this. I can’t directly advise on here and have too much to say to type it all out. Please know that it will get better. He will continue this behavior with the next one and you *will* reach indifference. Seek professional help if you feel like you need it and although I am not a professional, I would be so honored and happy to help you when my coaching opens back up soon. Thank you for your vulnerability, your kindness, and your understanding.
Thank you for sharing your story and helping so many others feel less alone. All my love to you, sister. xo
Thank you so much! I have definitely been thinking about therapy. Because as much as I thought he would’ve been onto the next one by now he isn’t, so this clearly was never a rebound relationship even though it started while he and I were trying to “rebuild”. He has been with her for two years and they’re now going to move to Florida together which is what he and I had planned to do. It almost feels like he is fulfilling the life we had planned just with someone else. But I know I cannot compare and I need to let go it just feels impossible.
Sorry just to add to my last note. I’m mostly frustrated with myself that it has been nearly 3 years. He is in a full blown serious relationship with this girl and has been for the past 2. They are about to move from NJ to FL together. But it’s just the annoying little thoughts that bother me, and I know I make their life together so much better in my head. But I wish I could let go of the trivial things like the fact that I’m 5’10 and she is 5’2 and seems to be the total opposite of me. But again that’s in my head. I don’t know for sure. And I wish I could let it all go and focus on myself and realize how amazing and blessed my life is without him. But I just can’t seem to let it go.
Brittany,
You *will* get there. You will.
It’s hard for me to advise here in the comments. I have been in your shoes and understand what you’re going through. My coaching is now open if you want more personalized help.
You’re not alone. xox
My ex and I broke up a month ago and I miss him terribly. He is now with someone new who he is 16 years younger and who even before he saw her he said it would be a woman who he can marry. That is because she was never married, doesn’t have kids and comes from a good family. I was not the marrying kind although he said I was perfect because I was married and have a son. Two weeks after him seeing her we slept together a few times. He cried and told me he missed me but he wasn’t going to come back. Then the next day he told me we need to cut all contact because he feels bad about the situation I am in and that he lies to her about spending time with me. We had a miscarry and we did ivf . In a month I’m
Supposed to transfer two of my embryos. I’m
Seeking counseling but I’m stil so heart broken
You are not alone, Mary. This person sounds extremely confused and toxic but I don’t know all of the details. Glad you are seeing professional counseling. Thank you for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe.
All my love to you, soul sister. xo
Natasha: you are good, i mean right on. I have printed exerpts of your analagy to remind myself on how lucky i was in slipping the knot. I feel sorry now for the poor guy with her now after reading your article.
Thanks, B
YES! I am so happy to have helped in any way. Thanks for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe Robert.
You are not alone my friend.
Thank you so much for this no-nonsense post. I sure needed it.
So happy it helped! Thank YOU, Denise, for your love, connection, and support. xo
My ex ended our 7 year relationship right before lockdown last year. Month later she starts dating the “family friend” who she started to chat with before things ended. It’s been a year and they are still together. Their relationship hits all 5 of the signs right on the dart. It definitely hurts to see all the social media posts and seeing the guy with her family and our friends, she even moved to his state and they have a dog. I struggle at times but I’m proud of myself for not reaching out once. Healing isn’t linear, there are weeks where I am fine but then I hit a day or two of sadness. I come to this blog every time I start to overthink, so thank you.
Hi Theo!
Thank you for taking the time to share. You have no idea just how many people (who are too shy to comment) your story will help set free. Isn’t it incredible to know that no matter what, we are not alone? That the denominators are common with toxic exes and that if we don’t internalize their dysfunctional behavior, it will launch us into the self-love, happiness and confidence that they will never be able to experience.
I am so proud of and happy for you. Congrats on dodging a nuclear bomb! Thank you for being a part of this tribe and thank you for being you, my friend.
All my love to you.
I have had a rough 2021 so far, loose of my month over christmas that has lead to a number of sad moments. On 30th april my ex say saying how much she loved me and then on the 2nd april it was my birthday and no one had planned anything or communicated that they had, so i got up, saw my housemate (ex girlfriend who we have both remained really good friends) and then went out for a cycle alone due to being sad. My now ex messaged me and asked what time i was coming over which i replied i made other plans as she hadnt communicated. She demanded i came over right away or we were over, which i didnt do of course so she dumped me, calling me selfish etc in the process. the next day she demanded i collected my things from her house which i did and no communcation had been had. on the 5th she posted on her social media a picture of a first date (so a mutual friend shared with me saying she was going out out). she has since been dating this man and posted every week a picture of him painting he her house, basically moved in, saying how happy she is or how loved as he bought her flowers round one morning (although i sent over 4/5 large bunches over the 14 months we were together). we both belong to a cycling club and i feel she has tried to push me out as one of the committee and coaches so i have stepped back. Reading your blog does make it a little easy but it is still hard to understand when we haven’t had a chat at all and when i tried a few days after the split (which she had already been on a date with the new guy) saying “i mean the world to her, but we aren’t going to work. in time i hoped we could be friends”. All of this seems like it has just been playing with me when i fell for her hard. Thank you for your blog that i have read nearly every day to help me try and understand this (athough i dont fully as non of it seems logical)
Natasha, you literally have no idea, NO CLUE how much this has helped me. Less than a month after our break up, my ex let his new gf answer the phone and Introduce herself, then followed by pictures sent to me of the two of them (we were supposed to be working on things during this time). The amount of pain I have felt it’s unbearable. I know I’m not alone in this, yet it feels that I’m the only one who has ever experienced such cruelty and pain. Your article helped me immensely in understanding some things, and coming to terms with others. Thank you!
I am in tears. Thank YOU, Candy; this is what I live for.
I live to give everything that I wish I would have had. You are not alone. Keep reading the posts (especially the ones on narcissism, sociopathy, etc etc) and just know that the pain is here to PASS, not to stay.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to be on the receiving end of such hurtful behavior/cruelty.
Thank you for being here and for being YOU, my friend. xox
Thank you for this post! My girlfriend of 3.5 years broke it off by saying that it was my fault, yet never giving me a concrete and clear explanation. For 2 months I lived in a state of self-blame and agony. Now I found out that a couple of weeks after she ended it she started going out with someone else. Even worse, she had been talking to him when she was still with me. I can’t help but feel cheated on, if that makes sense.
She could have been completely honest and told me that she was interested in someone else instead of blaming me for everything. But she chose not to and went to someone else. Really had a huge impact on my person and self-esteem. This blog helps a lot. Thanks!
Hi John!
I’m so happy it helped! I live to give everything that I wish I had.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for sharing your experience which I am certain, will help countless others feel less alone in theirs.
From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU – for being a part of this tribe, for your love/support, and for just being YOU.
I know it hurts, but this has nothing to do with you/your value. It has everything to do with her and how terrible she must feel about herself to behave so selfishly and impulsively.
All my love to you, my friend.
Same boat. I was with a guy going on 5 years. His dad passed away and we both made plans to get married this year move into together. He told me he loved me so much and was thankful for having me at his side. We meet a woman at his dad’s mourning 1 night. I notice flirting and flirtatious smiling between them 2. I confront him and he gets mad. I’m my gut I knew he was interested in her. He breaks up with me over text a week later. I beg him and beg him not to give up on me or us. I know I was a jealous, insecure, and not trusting gf but I didn’t think he would leave me. He blocked me on all social media and cell. Last time I saw him he said I fucked up by not trusting him and accusing him of trying to get with this woman while he was mourning. Come to find out he made it know to his family at the mourning that he like her and they started going out 2 days after he dumped me. His last words to me were I don’t give AF about you anymore and I don’t love u anymore. I know I made the right choice by leaving you
Omg how terrible. You are not alone, Vee. And this has nothing to do with you. This is the behavior of someone who doesn’t like who they are. All my love to you. Xox
Hi, Natasha. I’m a guy concerned about a girl.
I met the love of my life online. We’re absolutely perfect for each other on paper, but we’ve been in LDR for years too long. She couldn’t sponsor me – so I couldn’t move.
Because of this, I put my life on hold – forgot to live for myself and lost who I was.
Years of toxicity and idealization created due to miscommunication of being online has warped both of us.
Recently, I’d not being telling her I loved her – or that she was beautiful – because it’s been so long and I thought it was implicit. We lost the emotional connection, and the stimulating conversation became one-sided – and mostly about sex. Simultaneously, she got a job at a film studio with a high enough salary to be able to sponsor my emigration finally – yet said nothing. We both lost sight of each other and the plan to be together.
Despite being deep in love for so long, she (26yo Asian) recently left me for a 61 year old man at her work who’d love bombed her intensely with gifts and compliments on her physical appearance (I’d left her feeling flat and lacking self-confidence and he definitely saw this in her). He also said many creepy things like she reminded him of his dead girlfriend, asking to take a photograph of her face as seeing her face was the only thing that would get him through his leukemia treatment, saying she was special and he hadn’t been with a woman for 7 years – asking to take photos of her if they had sex and he wouldn’t include her face or anything. Really red-flag stuff, but I failed to protect her because I never thought she’d leave me for somebody who talked like that – or a man of that age – especially when I thought all was well and we were always going to be together no matter what.
She insists it’s not weird that he advanced on her despite her age or young aesthetic appearance as he nearly died from leukemia so he just says how he feels and goes for it. She loves his perspective on life, and that he’s been through so much trauma in his life (though, that’s 61 years of history she’s just taking his word for – and she doesn’t share with him).
She says she’d been feeling miserable all year – but I would never have known as nothing was communicated. It seems she was depressed because of Covid – she had no social life, and all she knew was work. I wasn’t the one making her happy, I wasn’t being supportive and was too wrapped up in my own neediness – so she left me for somebody who made her happy again. I feel she put too much on me to make her happy, rather than being happy in herself – and now she’s making the new guy responsible for her happiness – which is unhealthy.
He definitely played her for sex, but she clung to him and a relationship came of it much to his (and my) surprise. She insists he just makes her feel free (I held her back), he simply adores her – and he treats her well. She also stressed that he just somehow understands her wants and needs – meaning without her having to prompt him, he’s naturally putting her on a pedestal and showering her with affection – something I did not realise she needed and something she never communicated to me.
She put me on a toxic pedestal all my life, idealized me – made me a bad partner by being too kind to me and not actually pushing me to be better – and now I feel she’s putting him on a toxic pedestal also – since he’s “so attractive”, “so giving”, “so attentive”.
I’ve got annoyed with her 3 times in my life in person – but she says if we were really perfect I’d never have argued with her – that perfect relationships don’t have arguments – and that she isn’t used to being loved even now by the older guy she’s with – as she felt so criticised and flawed whenever I argued with her. I feel arguments are something natural in all relationships – and I was a young man who didn’t know better or that she was delicate or had insecurities – so, I think it’s more her issues than mine that she’s so affected by me getting annoyed with her.
I also think it says more about her than it does me, that she needs to be with a man of such age and experience who knew to be overly caring, attentive and adoring, and I don’t think she’d be able to return to a relationship with a guy her own age as they also wouldn’t know to avoid arguments or that she needed to be handled delicately (she’s such an intelligent, artsy seemingly strong woman and I honestly didn’t realise she needed such affection – but now I realise she’s insecure, she needed romanticism more than most).
I’ve since realised she’s lacking self-confidence – doesn’t love herself – and I’m really worried about her in this relationship with such an age gap and room for manipulation – but he’s soothing her issues right now rather than her seeking the help she really needs.
Years of her being insecure, not saying no to me, communicating her needs or giving me guidance made me an incredibly bad partner – yet she knows how good we are in person – we just never got the opportunity to actually be together permanently and it’s killing me that the distance did this to us.
She blames me for everything, and after months of trying to be friends in which I would often block her to protect myself from being hurt, unblocking and trying to be friends, breaking down – declaring my love – I’m now blocked on Messenger and my emails aren’t being responded to. She kept me as a friend on Facebook however.
I’m heartbroken, guilty for putting her through so much hurt through the years now I realise she was just a sweet, delicate girl who needed to be loved – not a strong independent woman who didn’t need validation from a man – but I’m also very worried about her in this relationship.
After she left me, she insisted me buying her the tools for work she needed wasn’t necessary – because she’s a strong independent woman – yet, she accepted the tools he bought for her (clearly part of the love-bombing) – and also left me for somebody else rather than to be alone – she’s not strong or independent at all – she needs validation from somebody else in order for her to feel happy in herself. She hasn’t soul-searched and reflected on how we got it so terribly wrong, she’s just accepting we were toxic – and the 61 year old guy is how a relationship should be.
After being deep in love with me for 13 years, but then jumping straight from me (27) to a 61 year old – and she’s admitting she realises she’s broken (but blames me for it entirely though her issues were clearly there before I came along otherwise she wouldn’t have put up with the shit I was doing over the years) – surely this isn’t healthy? I feel like she’s trying to fill a void left by me – the relationship started within 2 weeks of her talking to him – they were having sex at work a lot and they both got fired after a month – but they found work together at a new studio – it’s just been incredibly intense – whereas our love was born slowly out of years of communication.
He’d been going around telling her he loved her (after a week of them texting outside of work) but upon her telling him she wasn’t looking for anything serious he replied “Hey, I’ll take whatever I can get” – totally contradicting himself and more or less admitting he didn’t care about her which is disgusting. He played her for sure, and I know his heart isn’t true like mine – and it kills me.
We found love so young, we had something so special – but because of the distance we were too inexperienced and naive to know what to do with it and how to be together. I just want her back, and to get it right this time – but primarily I think she needs to be alone and nowhere near a relationship right now – and to get help and learn to love herself – and she naturally won’t listen to me as the ex trying to get her back.
Hi Jay,
This is something that is so complicated and layered, I cannot advise here in the comments (thank you for your kindness and your understanding). Thank you for taking the time to share. My coaching will open back up this week if you’d like more personalized help with this. I have so much to say; so sorry that you’re going through this all.
This post helped me alot during sleepless nights, my ex left me and got engaged/married to the rebound all in one year, bragged about on social media…all that left me totally broken 😞..thank you Natasha for this blog…
You are not alone, Macman. Seriously, please know that. I’ve been where you are and if I could get through it alone, we most definitely can get through this together.
I’m so happy that the posts have helped; I live to give everything that I wish I would have had.
Please remember, not everything that glitters is gold – ESPECIALLY on social media. I know it’s hard but this was the greatest gift you’ve been given: YOUR LIFE BACK.
You got this. xox
Hi Natasha!
My ex and I were together for 3 years but last year he went to live abroad to work so we kept an LDR. Due to the nature of our work (we work in the same field), I am going to live in the same country he is in right now. That was also our plan, he just had the opportunity to go first. My family lives there and we planed a life together but things got very difficult and he broke up with me.
We kept in contact after the breakup (big mistake) while I was going through the process of getting over this when I found out that just 3 weeks after the breakup, he was with someone else. He lied to me about it and to make matters worse, he used me while he was in his new relationship. When I confronted him and put up my boundaries he reacted in the worse possible way and treated me with complete disrespect.
Now he is is an LDR with her!!! and can’t help but get into the compare game! I wonder why did he allow another LDR with someone else when the distance was our biggest problem.
Anyways, you can’t imagine how many times I have read this post. It brings me back to reality when I feel like falling into that game. I know that after all he has done, he has not changed at all. Some days it’s very difficult to remember that but I keep the link to this post and it really helps me to stop and look at the bigger picture.
THANK YOU!!!
Hi Ale!
I wish I had the time to respond in the kind of depth my heart wants to (thank you so much for your kindness and understanding) but I will most definitely try to write about this more on the blog! Thank you so much for taking the time to share and by doing so, helping others feel less alone in their pain.
“I know that after all he has done, he has not changed at all.” – HOLD ONTO THAT KNOWINGNESS, Ale. You are not alone.
I’m so happy that the posts have helped. I live to give everything that I wish I had.
All my love to you, souls sister. xxo
Natasha, you are an incredibly smart and clever person, two attributes that are very rare to find together in one person.
I seldom post comments in webpages since I don’t find most articles useful, but yours has definitely helped me in an enormous gianormous way.
It’s been practically 3 days since I’ve found out that my ex-girlfriend of 5 years is in a relationship with another guy.
One month, 5 days after our relationship ended.
There’s still a lot lot of pain I have to go through for probably a long time, but seeing your article and just reading all of it has made me feel like I’m definitely not crazy and I’m not as broken as I thought I was seeing her “moving on”.
It’s pretty interesting how all of your points sync directly with my situation, she never wanted to make our relationship status known in facebook, but guess how I found she was in a new relationship? Through her facebook! She posted it and made it public so everyone could see!
I guess I really should have paid more attention to the toxic signs that she gave during our relationship but me just being a really private and rational person I made the mistake of trusting this girl with my emotions and feelings, so you can probably imagine the emotional wreck I currently am, I went all in on our relationship and just losing everything is and will probably be the biggest pain I’ve ever felt and endured.
But reading your article really helps and at least I can still go through life knowing that I can be a better person even with this awful experience, it’s weird but even I thought of no dating anyone else for at least 6 to 8 months after my relationship ended.
I thank you so much for making this article, you have definitely improved my mood and my day and I will always be grateful to you for that.
Take care in life and be well!
You are an awesome human being, Natasha.
It takes one to know one, my friend. You are an incredible person with an incredibly kind heart.
Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to comment; thank you for being a part of this community, and thank you for being you. I wish you knew just how many people (who are too shy to comment/can’t find the words right now) will feel less alone and empowered just from reading your words.
I am so happy and honored to have helped. You’ve got the right mindset; keep having your own back and just know that you are believed in, appreciated, loved, and supported.
I come back to this post when I start feeling so replaceable again. I’ve come across many articles to trying to find answers, but your post is the one i keep going back to, so thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
My ex and i broke up barely One month ago.
3 weeks later he started seeing another girl. I caved in recently and checked his reddit and saw this post he made asking relationship advice. Below is what he posted:
Title: Should I just ask her out, despite a recent breakup?
It started off as a “Hello, how are you?” kind of thing, as my friend was initially interested in her and started talking
to her. Then things changed. I guess it was me she was actually interested in the whole time, as said friend started
shipping us together one day at a pool party event she was invited to. At that time, I wasn’t feeling it and wasn’t
ready because I was fresh out of a relationship.
Since then, we have started hanging out more. Getting closer and doing things together I don’t do with any other
female friend. At this point, we haven’t done anything romantic, and I haven’t made a move (despite being in
positions to do so), because originally I was uncomfortable with the age gap. I subtly let her know things like my
age & my recent relationship/breakup (happened almost exactly 1-month ago), but even still she seems interested
in me.
I think the turning point for me is this past weekend, when I asked her to check/feed my dog because I was out of
town for my friend’s bachelor party. Come to find out she did that, AND she vacuumed, mopped, and threw trash
for me. Despite the fact I never once asked her to do anything like that. It really moved me a lot, I’m not going to lie.
I think out of all my relationships, I’ve only ever been treated like this in one, and that relationship didn’t work out for
other reasons (bless her heart though). Of course, this isn’t the only thing that has made me interested in her, but I
think it’s the big turning point that snapped my mind recently.
I’m sure someone might ask about it, but I’m completely over my previous relationship and no longer speak to my
ex.
Even so, I still wonder if it’s too soon to ask her on a date?
Or should I just say fuck it, and go for it before somebody else tries to snag her (which actually did kind of happen
recently, in a way)?
What makes everything harder is him and i dated barely 1 month after his 2yr relationship ended with his ex, so now I’M the ex in his cycle. When we dated, i was in denial and had rose colored lenses on. I couldn’t believe i finally found someone good who was just as excited about me as i was of them. I felt so happy as we were falling for each other. He told me he was over his Ex bc he wasn’t feeling their relationship for a while before breaking things off with her. Although I was hesitant to believe him, my emotions overpowered my ability to think straight. Even now I’m trying to accept I WAS a rebound. Seeing how he’s moving on less than a month after us only proves it more right?
I was doing well on no contact, but caved 17 days in and sent him a terrible text im not proud of after finding out about the new girl. Minutes before that text he told me he wasn’t over me and even had to block me to stop checking on my socials. Part of me thinks maybe he really is over me now after the horrible text i sent. I usually control my emotions well and try to handle things as maturely as possible, but a part of me was like “screw it” and i think unconsciously wanted to self-sabotage any chance of us ever getting back together. Everything he said he was never gonna do after a BU, he did.
Your post is helping me though some tough times rn, so again thank you so much.
Hi Kendra!
I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through all of this. I’ve definitely been there and you’re not alone ❤️ I have too much to say to type it all out (thank you so much for your kindness and understanding) but please do not beat yourself up. It sounds like you are so much better off. Stay in no contact. You can do this! I’m so happy and honored that the post(s) has helped. You’re not alone.
All mg love to you soul sister xo
Thank you for this article. I’ve come to re read it numerous times over the last two years.
It turned out my ex was cheating on me and overlapped his next relationship.
They got engaged a couple months ago and I come here to remind myself that his actions don’t reflect my value. As much as it pains me and my ego can trick me into thinking ‘she must be better, he must have changed, I must not have been special etc. Etc. ‘ this article helps bring me back to reality.
I’m grateful I’m not engaged to someone capable of such deceit. But why does it still play on my mind? What can I do to gain closure, to not feel so rejected and replaced?
Hi Jess!
I’m so glad that this post has been helpful. I just try to give what I wish I would have had.
Wow – it sounds like you really dodged a bullet. Thank you for taking the time to share and by doing so, helping others feel less alone.
It is humanely impossible for me to advise here in the comments (thank you for your kindness and your understanding), but you are feeling this way because you’ve been traumatized. This is all emotional trauma and what you are feeling is very normal. Closure comes through the realization that this person is CAPABLE of betrayal, disrespect, deceit, and does not like who they are at the core. You weren’t “replaced,” your ex is just with someone who is either more tolerant of their bs or does not yet know all that you already do.
I will try to write about this more very soon. Thank you for being you and for being a part of this tribe.
All my love to you, sister. xx
After a two year relationship with a man, and while in the middle of building a house together, he basically ghosted me. He wouldn’t end the relationship but wouldn’t talk to me either. Three weeks later and while I’m still in limbo wondering where I stand with him, I find out he’s started a physical relationship with his house cleaner. He happens to live behind me so he knows I can see her car there and he has no shame or respect for my feelings. I’m devastated. I’m scared to death he’s going to be happy forever with her while I’m barely surviving or functioning. It has totally destroyed me.
Hi Nikki,
Believe me, when I say, you dodged a bullet. I know that it doesn’t make the heartbreak any less painful, I know. Keep having your own back and just know that this person has not changed.
Keep coming back here to the blog and just know that you are loved, supported, backed, believed in, and never, ever alone. All my love to you, sister. xox
Hello’ Natasha. Your advice had really been so inspiring. I was with my ex for over 5 years as we lived together but didn’t have children together. During this time he was a severe alcoholic and we all tried to help him. He has been divorced 3 times and had a child from each ex and absolutely no communication with any of his children. His children don’t want anything to do with him either do to his drinking.
I found out in March he was up to no good as he would be giving moral support since she lost her husband to cancer to a well known woman everyone knows that likes to sleep around with married men or men who are in relationships. So he would say not to be jealous. It was not jealous it was respect that I wanted. So it continues until June the day before Father’s Day. He came back home from her house severely intoxicated and started talking to a friend over the phone saying that a female was all over him. I immediately told him that he didn’t have to cheat that if he wasn’t happy he should just say so. He left and came home the following morning like nothing. I knew in my heart he was lying saying nothing happened and he slept on the couch. BS. So September 3 he gets caught in her vehicle humping her. When he got home I confronted him and laughed as he was intoxicated. He had that widow who was mourning pick him up and a friend of hers too who is the one he slept with on Father’s Day. She does not have a place to stay so she is staying with the widow woman . So he stays there for 5 days and begs me for forgiveness and doesn’t have a place to stay or he would be sleeping in his vehicle. So I let him back and he suggested counseling and he suggested to change his number because he really loved me. I still didn’t believe him. So for several weeks of counseling and all but his drinking problem continued.
October 16 he got severely intoxicated and no more alcohol or beer in the fridge so he called them up and they picked him up in front of my house. When I tried to contact him just to let him know that I would meet him in public to give him his pictures and belongings he would not respond. He had the nerve to come to my house 3 times in one day but brings his rebound gf to my house. I opened up the garage door and gave him his belongings and closed it. I did email him that no hurt feelings and hope he is doing well and wishing him the best. So next thing I know is the cops are at my door saying not to email him or harass him. I’m like what?? He is coming to my house unannounced with his girlfriend who are living together. Well 2 days later his girlfriend and the widow woman pass through my house with a boat behind the truck not only once but twice and flip me off and cuss me out. Everything is caught on camera. So I filed a report on them for harassing and stalking. After weeks of not having any communication with his dad he finally called him stating he is happy and slowed down on drinking. Why lie. He still drinks a 24 pack per day during the week and weekends it’s a 46 beers per day plus now combined with his anxiety and depression pills is not a good combination. I am glad I am moving forward and I know for a fact that it won’t last. I was in the longest as the other 3 exes didn’t put up with him that long. Plus he had several other relationships before me that only lasted 2 months tops.
Hi Sasha!
I’m so happy that the posts have helped! This sounds like a complete mess and I’m sorry you had to go through it all for as long as you did. Glad you are moving forward. You deserve peace.
All my love to you. xo
This post has been extremely helpful although I’m still working through the hurt. I ended a three-year, toxic, of/on relationship a few weeks ago. This was our third breakup. After each breakup, she was immediately in a rebound… and when I say immediately, I’m talking a day or two. She would introduce her kids to her rebound each time – I feel badly for her kids having to meet a different guy every few months. I would go no contact and try to work on myself each time but after a few months she would reach out to me when things broke down with her rebounds. She would be talking to me before she ended things with her rebound and I’m certain she was talking to other guys before we ended things. This time, I completely blocked her and severed all ties with her family and friends. I’ve determined that she is “in love with love” but doesn’t want to do the work to have a healthy relationship. Why, why, why did I continually go back to that relationship??? Even though I’ve been seeing a therapist, I find it hard to get her out of my head. It’s truly hard to let go of someone even when – and maybe especially because – the relationship was toxic. I truly feel it’s like I’m going through an addiction withdrawal. I have faith that things will get better with time. Thanks for the great post – it helps bring me back to reality but I still struggle. I’ve bookmarked this one.
Hi Scott!
“It’s truly hard to let go of someone even when – and maybe especially because – the relationship was toxic.” – I couldn’t agree more with this. Thank you so much for taking the time to share (and by doing so, helping countless others feel less alone).
You are doing the right thing. It’s time to be completely done with this dysfunction and love yourself enough to stick to it, which I know you will.
I would be so happy and honored to work with you when my coaching opens back up if you need additional help. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist that is supporting you through this.
I will try to write more about WHY we go back to relationships like these and miss toxic exes. Please believe me when I say, Scott, that you are NOT alone.
Thank you for being you. Thank you for being a part of this tribe.
I hope that you read my book when it comes out soon; it will help *so much* with this all.
Sending you love.
Hi Natasha,
I would love to work with you when your coaching opens back up. In fact, I went to book a coaching session with you but saw that your sessions were closed. I will keep checking back! I will also definitely check out your book. Thanks for everything you do to help me and others in my situation.
Scott
Hi Scott!
All you have to do is make sure you’re subscribed to my email list. When I post my next blog post, you will get an email alert – upon which, the coaching will open back up until it books out 🙂 Looking *so forward* to connecting.
Thank YOU, my friend. I just want to give everything that I wish I would have had.
Hi Natasha!
Thanks for the tip – I just signed up. I too am looking so forward to connecting with you!
Same here Scott!
This post truly did me a world of good. In my relationship I was constantly referred to as a narcissist and being toxic and disrespectful towards her. She says she would rather I cheated on her than the disrespect I’ve shown her for the majority of the relationship, she’s right, I was mistreating her on so many occasions. Two months after our breakup, I found out from her that she’s found someone new in the midst of playing a desperate ex to get her back. I honestly obsessed about it by attempting to get info about the new partner, went as far as humiliating myself by creating fake WhatsApp accounts pretending to be someone else just so I can know what’s going on with her and the new guy and if it’s really true. She eventually caught on it was me after a lengthy conversation. She blocked me and told me to leave her alone. I guess I found the closure I was looking for and finally ready to move on silently, as so much damage is already done. According to her, he really makes her happy and makes her feel special. Hence her jumping into the relationship. Only time will tell if it’s really a rebound relationship
Jerome,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share. You are not alone and all I can say is if the post (which I am so glad, was helpful) resonated deeply with you, it is likely that this is a rebound relationship. All my love to you, my friend.
Hello Natasha,
About a month ago me and my ex gf broke up. She initiated it and said she needed to work on herself and find herself.We were together for about 2 years. We were talking on and off and i then found out she was talking to someone i know and hanging out with them about a week and a half after the break up.She told me that he makes her happy and does things she wishes i did .About a week and a half ago i initiated no contact and she eventually unadded me on social media and took down posts of us. She told me before i started no contact that she moved on and was done with me. Could this be a rebound relationship? Or could she be using him as sort of a distraction and a way to make her feel better because she’s not completely over me? I miss her everyday and wish we could’ve just talked things out.
Hi Kurt!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Thank you for taking the time to share and thank you for being a part of this community. This could definitely be a rebound; it sounds like it. I would need to know more details. All my love to you. You are not alone.
She claimed she would always have love for me but she isn’t in love with me. We are about 2 weeks into no contact and I want to try to win her back. When we were on and off talking after we broke up I let her know what I was feeling about a break up which I was sad and maybe I should have not done that because that got her annoyed. I’m not sure if she is in that rebound relationship anymore. I am trying the 30 day no contact is there anything else I should do?
I wish I could advise on here in-depth but it is humanely impossible for me to keep up and do so (thank you so much, Kurt, for your understanding and kindness). I would stick to the No Contact for now. All m y love to you friend.
Hello Natasha,
I had a girl who I knew since my school time. After schools, we didn’t really talk or communicate but we knew each other. I confessed my feelings to her last year. Initially, she kept on asking me to move on, but later she agreed to meet me. But, again denied to meet up. Then, finally, she rejected me but she tried her level best to be friends with me. At that time, I agree as I thought that she genuinely wanted friendship and also I still had hopes. 3-4 months went by she did everything possible to prevent me from moving on during that period, I being in love with her, was confused with her behavior. Finally, 2 months moving forward, I get to know by stalking her social media activity that she likes a guy. Turns out her family and the guy’s family have talked about both of them getting engaged this year. So, from my perspective, I think the other guy lost feelings for her during the same time period I confessed my feelings for her.
My last convo with her was about whose fault was it. I just to keep civility said it was all my fault. In the end, she wanted to be friends but I declined letting her know that we cannot be friends, we could be lovers if you want or else friendship won’t be possible for me.
So, my question is, is She in a rebound relationship?? FYI her’s is a long distance relationship and I am pretty sure she was interested in that guy from past 2 years. But, they both recently confessed their feelings. She is still hiding this guy from general public. Only close relatives and 1-2 neighbours know about her relationship.
Thanks
Hi John!
I would need to know more details in this case (which makes it so difficult to advise in the comments). I appreciate your kindness and understanding. You are not alone.
My ex and I were 3 months in a relationship where we reached the point of saying we loved each other often. It was an intimate relationship, but she ran hot and cold, up and down, at times. It felt like things were progressing, despite the occasional misunderstanding / argument.
Following another argument over her being tired, random days where she would seemingly forget about me altogether but then oddly stay up late texting on what’s app (perhaps innocently, who knows) she told me she no longer loved me and hated me for being so selfish, and the relationship was over. I was in shock and devasted. The blame for the end of the relationship was dumped completely on me. I was a loving partner who would do anything for her, and yet, suddenly she hated me and never really loved me. It was over, just like that. No opportunity to discuss, she never wanted to see me again.
Subsequently I lost control of my emotions and apologised for everything (our arguments) and promised I’d change and do whatever it takes to put this right. I took full responsibility for the break up because I was so scared to lose the person I loved.
Looking back at the final week together I recollect her behavior keeping me away from her tech, not wanting to sit next to me, emotionally unavailable. She was argumentative, as if she didn’t want me near. It struck me as odd and could not understand at the time.
Days later I went into No Contact, and literally within a week or so, she posted on fb she had met a new guy and ‘loved him to bits’. He was completely different than me, not the least bit attractive in fact.
The pieces of the jigsaw fell into place (and my gut feeling) led me to confront her that she had betrayed me. I said all along if there was somebody else, I would simply go and she’d never see me again. She denied it all then and denies it all to this day that any deceit occurred, calling me paranoid.
I feel so sad and humiliated, but I’m working day and night on myself to grow and improve, to be the best version of myself that I can be.
Jess,
First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to share (and by doing so, helping countless others who are too shy to comment or can’t find the words feel less alone). I got chills reading what you wrote because I have been on both sides of the coin.
In my opinion, your instinct is absolutely right. I could not have coached you to get out of this better or with more dignity. Even when you groveled and apologized, it ended up working in your favor. I wish I could talk to you more about this telephonically. If you ever need a coaching session, go to my coaching page and please book a consult.
Ultimately, you have all of the answers; all of the closure you need via her disrespectful behavior.
Thank you for being a part of this community. You are backed, believed in, loved, supported, understood, and never, ever alone. All my love to you, my friend. You got this.
I keep reading this over and over everytime I feel overwhelmed with sadness. I do realize I’m basing my worth on my exes behavior. I left her in July because I was tired of her treating me bad and lying to me. It was the hardest thing I have done in a long time. We’ve been together on and off for 8 years and I’m sick of her exes popping up all the time. That’s how the fight started. I realized they never go away because she is never single long. I don’t have a single ex popping up in my life. Just days after I left, she got on dating sites and eventually met another woman. She introduced her to her dad and they were telling each other they love each other, then all the sudden they broke up and she jumped right back onto dating sites just days later. Of course I ask constantly why I’m not good enough for her to have worked for us, why does she waste her time monkey-branching from one woman to another? I’ll get there, I just keep reading your work and it reminds me that I wasn’t the problem and why would I want someone who’s so eager to jump into bed with someone who’s not going to last…. ?
Hi Christina!
Thank you so much for taking the time to share <3 I am so happy and honored to have helped in *any* way. It's what I live for.
Although it's impossible for me to advise here on the comments, I do want to say that your ex's behavior has nothing at all to do with you/your perceived lack of worth and everything to do with her own insecurities, un dealt-with trauma and a severe lack of self-awareness.
Keep coming here to the blog - you have family here and are loved, supported, understood, backed, and believed in. Also, check out my book, Win Your Breakup. It will most definitely help. All my love to you, Soul Sister. Xox
My ex boyfriend finally called it off 3 months ago and I haven’t heard from him. We dated for 3 years. He went into the Navy and slowly started changing. We always talked about a future together but slowly he became more distant. He told me over and over something was wrong with him but didn’t know what it was. His behavior was different and sporadic. I knew he was drinking behind my back and I confronted him several times about it. I am not a drinker and he knew how much I did not like drinking. He is stationed locally to where we both grew up so we saw each other regularly, but that was becoming less often. The final time we talked he said he needed and friend not a girlfriend. He said he loved me deeply but needed to find himself. His mom loves me and has said he is a different person now and is working on finding himself. Last week he decided to post a picture of him with his friends including girls at a big event that we always talked attending together. . They were all drinking. He had his arms around the girls and one was his date, even though they are just friends. He hadn’t posted any pictures of me in over a year. Now this weekend another female friend that always had a crush on him and I never liked, posted a picture of them out drinking with his arm around her and she out hearts around it. Why is he doing this? Why is he ruining any chance of us ever getting back together? We were so deeply in love and his mom says he still loves me but he knows right know he can’t make me happy because he is not happy with himself. Yet, he’s out partying all the time. Why sabotage a chance to possibly get back together? I feel he is hurting deeply because he loves me so much and misses me but is acting out by hurting me even if he isn’t doing it intentionally. Is this true? Thank you
Hi Kim,
My heart goes out to you, Sister. You are not alone. I would need to know many more details to advise – please go onto my coaching page. I’d be happy to help you further.
All my love to you. Xox
I found this at the most divinely guided time and I won’t leave before I say THANK YOU.
Your words hold so much truth, care, authenticity and compassion.
I genuinely having all these awful heavy thoughts tonight and reading this was just soothing to my heart.
I feel centered again and grounded deep within my heart.
You are a beautiful soul! Thank you
From the bottom of my heart, thank YOU, Rim. I live to give what I wish I would have had. Please check out my book if you haven’t already. If this article resonates, it will help immensely.
You are not alone.
Thank you so much for writing this! I needed to hear this! Was really struggling with my situation and this helped!
My ex broke up with me 3 1/2 months ago and was dating another guy 6 weeks later. We were together for 8 months, so I know it’s not a long long time but not insignificant in my opinion. I would like to say my ex’s new relationship is a rebound, but this guy is very similar to me, seems like a good guy, and is definitely her type. Plus, she was set up with this guy by her best friend whom she trusts. This new guy already has friend/family connections that I never had (my ex and I met in a dating app, and my ex was very embarrassed of that) To me, her new relationship doesn’t scream typical rebound even though it did happen pretty fast. In your opinion, would you consider it a rebound despite the new guy’s connections?
And, in your experience, how many relationships that start within 2 months of a break up usually end? They’ve been together for almost 2 months at this point and are still going strong.
I realize where we went wrong in the relationship. Communication…. That’s what stings and that’s why I’d like another shot. Because I know we can work things out. The reasons were just simple misunderstandings of each other and what we want/need in life. However, I don’t know that I’ll ever get the chance bc of this new guy and the dynamics involved. I’m almost 60 days NC at this point and am just focusing on bettering myself, meeting new people, new hobbies, etc…but it’s a tough situation for me bc like I said, I think we could beat the odds and work things out.
Thanks again! Saving this post!
Hi Richard!
I am *so happy* that this post helped! I live to give what I wish I would have had.
I wish I were able to advise in the comments, but it has become humanely impossible (thank you so very much for your kindness and your understanding). Plus, I would need to know many more details and ask questions.
Please visit my coaching page. I would love to help further.
You are not alone.
Im sorry to everyone experiencing betrayal and heart break its not fair but trust me you will be okay, its a blessing you are no longer with them. I suppose after a week of mourning the relationship i can now laugh so ill start with LOL im 23 after two years of a relationship with a 33 yr old going through hell my ex decides to finally leave me when i was in a mental hospital due to not wanting to live anymore. I found out two days ago he was using my phone to meet and have sex with women while i was in the hospital for two weeks! Literally spoke to over 8 women 🙁 anyhow so then i find out he is started dating a young woman my age when i was in the hospital. After being with him through a herion addiction trying to support him and keep him happy i couldnt believe he actually left me high and dry like that. I have and will take responsibility for my part of being not as considerate i shouldve been or as nice as i shouldve been due to anger issues not an excuse im just being honest. I just couldnt believe after everything weve been through and the love he said we shared and how special i was to him he would do that! like i dont even know who that man is i feel i was used for what i had to offer ( $, housing, gifts love) and was blinded by love and stupidity. I was hurt but im realizing anyone who would do these cruel actions these people have committed on us dont need to be in our lives! lastly this was not the first occurance this happened so im really a silly girl but this has happened like 4 times lmao and he comes back well maybe not this time but in the past anyhow please dont fall for it. yes! people can change, dont hold the past against them, but their actions need to prove to you they are worthy since theyve broken your trust. I feel better hop in the comments,, vent itll make you feel better lol
Thank you so much for taking the time to share, Goddess. You’re so right, “it’s a blessing not to be with them.”
All my love to you. Xx
Okay I’ll leave my two cents as it relates to the article.
So for starters I can’t blame my ex girlfriend for leaving me when she did, after 5 month sober I went on a bender of a weekend leaving our plans aside. Yes I fucked up bad and the timing couldn’t be any worse. This had been the second big thing to happen with my drinking and so she left.
But we had been together for about a year and a half, I fell madly in love and I thought the feeling was mutual. A couple weeks after she had left me I saw her walking in the nearby park(yes We lived down the block from each other) with one of her “guy friends”(one of the guys I was told not to worry about)
I know that these two had been snap chatting for months while we we’re together and she said they were old friends from back home, however I never met the guy and she was reluctant to mention him often or give info on who he is.
Either way I knew what was up, I thought she had been drifting emotionally and while I don’t think the was any physical cheating I had a feeling something was up between these two while I was dating her(mysterious lunches with a friend and what not)
It had now been about 8 months since we broke up and while I’ve wiped my photos and unfriended her on everything I did not block her on anything, so one day I open up fb messenger and she is online with new profile pic, while it’s a tiny little photo I can recognize that she has a new man, I see it is this “guy friend” that is now her new boyfriend.
So I’m pretty upset of course and feel pretty shitty that I had a gut feeling but didn’t act on it.
I don’t know, I may have been the rebound and she may have wanted to date this guy the whole time, seeing as how they knew each other and in contact, who knows maybe they had a thi by in the past and this is them reopening it. Either way I think their new relationship is doomed, either he ends up being fucked up or she ends up doing the same thing to this new guy, Snapchatting a single “guy friend” and slowly falling out of love when she could avoid it.
I’ve learned from my mistakes now, trust your gut feeling, your body and mind know more about your surroundings than you do.
Thank you so much for sharing, Daniel.”I’ve learned from my mistakes now; trust your gut feeling, your body and mind know more about your surroundings than you do.” – Couldn’t agree more.
I was with m ex for 9 years, we bought a house together, she kept everything, including our pets. Not even a few weeks after I moved out she was already posting she was in love with someone else. This article really put things into perspective, because while I am healing, growing and staying on my own, she won’t. My mental health is important and I strive to be the best version for myself and continuing to love myself everyday. I will not lower my standards or expectations for another woman.
YES!!! – Amen!
I am very proud of and happy for you, Amy! Everything you shared is spot on. THANK YOU so very much for taking the time to share (and by doing so, helping countless others feel less alone, inspired, and like they too, can heal and move on with their dignity intact). I wish I could give you the biggest hug.
So happy and honored that the post resonated with and helped you. You are not alone.
All my love to you, Sister. Xx
I was with m ex for 9 years, we bought a house together, she kept everything, including our pets. Not even a few weeks after I moved out she was already posting she was in love with someone else. This article really put things into perspective, because while I am healing, growing and staying on my own, she won’t. My mental health is important and I strive to be the best version for myself and continuing to love myself everyday. I will not lower my standards or expectations for another woman.
I just responded to your last comment 🙂 this is a duplicate
My ex and I were together for 5 years. He moved out last September and I’ve been broken every day since. He quickly moved on to someone much younger than he (they work together and I suspect maybe he was involved with her, or at least started things before we broke up). We had our moments since the break up and he would blow hot and cold at me. We’d go period where we didn’t speak at all and we even slept together once. All the while he was seeing her though I didn’t know about her until November when we were discussing exchanging some Christmas items. He told me that he had met someone and he told his best friend, and his mom, that while it was nice and everything he was still in love with me. I wanted him back so desperately and I asked him if he knew he could be happy with me if he would come back, he started to say yes but then quickly had to get off the phone. The next day I proposed that we meet face to face to discuss our relationship and if he still felt that he needed to move on away from me then we would have the closure we needed; and if he felt he wanted to come back we would start over again and the past was the past. He said whenever he saw me all he wanted was to sleep with me and started to be very standoffish again. I asked him he felt anything for me when we had slept together after telling his mom and his best friend he still loved me, he said no. So I decided that he was done and I was too. We could exchange what was left of our items and move on, delete me from your phone and be done. 20 minutes before he was supposed to come over he said he’d come over some other time. I told him I was throwing his stuff away. I couldn’t keep doing the hot and cold; that he didn’t want me but he didn’t want anyone else to have me either and it wasn’t healthy for me to keep going on like that. He called me all kinds of names and blocked me from his phone. I wrote him one last time explaining all of my feelings about our relationship. He called last week and I found out the girl he was seeing right after we broke up is now pregnant. I was devastated. She’s trapped him for life and taken away any chance of a reconciliation we may have ever had. He told me he still has feelings for me. I’m still trying to heal – I’ve started therapy for this and I still cry 8 months after our break up. All I want from him is clarity and closure so I can give my best to someone new and he won’t give it to me. It makes me so angry sometimes because if she knew what he was doing with both of us at the same time, I doubt she’d believe she’s in this wonderful relationship and be bringing a child into this world with him as the father. I just want him to feel what I’m feeling right now.