When it comes to red flags in a relationship, in dating, and even in your friendships…

Have you ever heard the saying “where there’s smoke, there’s fire”?

A red flag is the smoke that no matter how much you try to fan away, choose to identify as fog, or spray with the air freshener of denial and keep walking through, it will always lead you to fire.

You may be able to see past the smoke and keep moving for a while, but fire is one thing that we all can agree—you will never be able to move through or ignore into extinguishment.

All you can do is tend to your burns by adjusting your boundaries, understand that ignoring the red flags of others is a major red flag of your own, and make the decision to stop normalizing and personalizing smoke signals when they appear.

The emotional toolbelt you were born with did not come with a hose to put out the fires of relational arsonists.

And their fires/red flags are not meant for you to extinguish, take ownership of, or be “good enough” to change the color.

They are meant for you to get away from.

The problem with red flags in a relationship is that they are the easiest to identify in every relationship but our own. And when it comes to the red flags in our own relationships…

They only seem to be the most visible in hindsight.

Let’s change that. Right now.

What Is A Red Flag? (The Real Definition)

A red flag is any character trait, habit, behavior, belief, or pattern that makes your intuition sound off—whether it’s a problem now or a potential disaster waiting to happen.

But here’s what nobody tells you:

Red flags aren’t about what they do. They’re about what you do when you see them.

The actual red flag is you knowing there’s smoke and walking toward the fire anyway because:

• You don’t want to be “too picky”
• You see potential you can’t pass up
• You’re already invested
• You’re afraid of being alone
• You want to be the exception
• You believe love conquers all (it doesn’t—respect does)

If you struggle with low self-esteem, abandonment issues, and a disease to please, any sign of smoke will make you feel like you have to work that much harder to prove you are “enough” for it to clear.

And when you eventually get locked in the vicious cycle of investigation opening, receipt collecting, truth chasing, instinct prosecuting, and reality questioning…

You will know that you got burned.

Red Flags vs. Normal Relationship Challenges: Know the Difference

Not every issue is a red flag. Some things are just normal relationship challenges that require communication and compromise. Here’s how to tell the difference:

The pattern matters more than the individual incident.

One bad day doesn’t make them toxic. But a pattern of bad behavior with no accountability? That’s a red flag waving directly in your face.

Gut Feelings vs. Self-Sabotage vs. Intuition: The Crucial Difference

Before we dive into specific red flags, you need to understand the difference between your gut, your sabotage, and your intuition.

What Is A Gut Feeling?

A gut feeling is when you pick up on a vibe that something is “off.” And it doesn’t add up or make sense in regard to the kind of person you think you’re with and the kind of relationship you signed up to be in.

Gut feelings are impossible to ignore—especially in toxic relationships where it feels just as impossible to walk away.

So, to get out of that uncomfortable limbo, we impulsively flip the switch on ourselves.

We write our gut feelings off as trust issues, self-sabotage, undealt-with trauma from our past, being “too harsh,” not giving them a fair chance, and overthinking. If you would not put up with dating someone who would dumb you down this ignorantly and immediately, you need to stop doing it to yourself.

Your gut feelings are something that you will never be able to afford the cost of ignoring because they are what your intuition is made of.

What Is Your Intuition?

Intuition is when you just KNOW.

They ignored your calls all night and even though this has happened once before, something feels different this time. You talk to them and you just know in your bones that something happened. The writing is all over the walls of your gut feelings. Their explanations don’t add up but they also don’t make you demand receipts, start any kind of drama, or react this time.

That’s how you know this isn’t self-sabotage or insecurity you are acting on—it’s pure intuition.

The fact that you feel this way is enough for you. And even though you’re in shock and heartbroken, you’re done.

You know that the relationship you deserve should never involve feeling this way. Later on, you may panic and feel like you need to go back to get the “facts” or gather more evidence but deep down, it doesn’t change the fact that you just know. And the reminders of that knowingness will be unrelenting until you have the courage to act on them.

Your intuition will always communicate with you clearly and calmly.

Unfortunately, it is just as difficult to act on as it is easy to prosecute.

What Is Self-Sabotage?

Unlike the gut feelings that red flags sound off, and the calm knowingness of your intuition, the voice of self-sabotage has more of an impulsive, chatty, and negative overtone.

Self-sabotage is not about seeing something with feathers quacking in a body of water, having the gut feeling that it’s a duck, and acting on your intuition telling you that you’re not in the ocean.

It’s about having genuinely good things around you and instead of embracing them, you pour poison on the seeds of opportunity so that nothing can grow. And if nothing can grow and survive, you won’t ever have to deal with the loss and sadness of death.

Unconditionally loving yourself is the only thing that will permanently knock self-sabotage off of your emotional shelf.

Gut feelings are much different than self-sabotage. They are instant responses that shake you to your core and make your internal security system sound off by activating your intuition—regardless of whether you struggle with self-esteem or not.

The Red Flag Calculator: How Toxic Is Your Relationship?

Before we go through the 27 red flags, take this quick assessment. Be brutally honest with yourself.

Rate each on a scale of 0-3:

• 0 = Never happens
• 1 = Rarely (once every few months)
• 2 = Sometimes (once a month or more)
• 3 = Frequently (weekly or more)

COMMUNICATION RED FLAGS:

☐ They give you the silent treatment when upset ☐ They deflect blame and never take responsibility ☐ They gaslight you or deny things you know happened ☐ They only communicate when they want something ☐ They use your vulnerabilities against you in arguments Communication Score: ___/15

RESPECT RED FLAGS:

☐ They flirt with others in front of you or online ☐ They dismiss your feelings as “too sensitive” ☐ They make you feel bad for having boundaries ☐ They belittle your goals or accomplishments ☐ They control who you see or what you doRespect Score: ___/15

CONSISTENCY RED FLAGS:

☐ Their words and actions don’t match ☐ They’re hot and cold emotionally ☐ They disappear and reappear without explanation ☐ Their level of interest depends on your availability ☐ They make plans but frequently cancel Consistency Score: ___/15

COMMITMENT RED FLAGS:

☐ They won’t define the relationship after 3+ months ☐ They keep you hidden from important people in their life ☐ They talk about the future but never follow through ☐ They’re still active on dating apps while “exclusive” ☐ They refuse to discuss long-term plans Commitment Score: ___/15

YOUR TOTAL SCORE:

0-15: Normal relationship challenges (work on communication, but this is healthy)

16-30: Concerning patterns (these need to be addressed immediately with clear boundaries)

31-45: Serious red flags (strong consideration should be given to ending this relationship)

46-60: Highly toxic relationship (exit strategy needed NOW—this is damaging your mental health)

📥 Free Training: The 3-Step ‘No B.S.’ Framework to Break Free from Toxic Relationships and Heal

The 27 Red Flags You Can’t Afford to Ignore

All of these red flags are applicable to all genders and orientations.

1. They Label Themselves (And You Don’t Listen)

The Red Flag: They straight up tell you they’re “not ready for a relationship,” “emotionally unavailable,” “a commitment-phobe,” “bad at communication,” or “not good enough for you.”

Why It’s Dangerous: People cannot help but communicate who they are. When someone tells you who they are—believe them the first time.

The Mistake: You think you can be the exception. You think your love will change them. You think they’re just scared and need patience.

The Reality: If they were capable of being different with you, they wouldn’t need to warn you. The warning IS the answer.

What To Do: Thank them for their honesty and walk away. They just saved you months or years of heartbreak.

2. They’re the Victim in ALL Their Past Relationships

The Red Flag: Every ex was “crazy.” Every past relationship ended because the other person was toxic, clingy, dramatic, or wronged them.

Why It’s Dangerous: If everyone else is always the problem, they’re the common denominator. And you’ll be the next “crazy ex” when this ends.

The Pattern:

• Ex #1 was “too needy”
• Ex #2 was “psycho”
• Ex #3 “couldn’t handle them”
• You will be Ex #4: “too sensitive” or “too demanding”

What To Do: Pay attention to how they talk about exes. If there’s zero accountability and pure victimhood, you’re next on that list.

3. Gaslighting: They Make You Question Your Reality

The Red Flag: You bring up something that happened and they:

• Deny it happened
• Tell you you’re “misremembering”
• Say you’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting”
• Twist it so you end up apologizing to them
• Make you doubt your own sanity

Why It’s Dangerous: Gaslighting is psychological abuse. It slowly erodes your confidence, your reality, and your sense of self until you don’t trust your own mind.

Examples:

• You: “You said you’d be home at 8 and didn’t get here until midnight.”
• Them: “I never said 8. You’re remembering wrong. You always do this.”
• You: “You’ve been texting her constantly.”
• Them: “You’re being paranoid. I barely talk to her. This is why I can’t be honest with you.”

What To Do: Start documenting things (screenshots, notes). When you have proof and they still deny it, leave. This will never get better.

4. Extreme Defensiveness Over Simple Questions

The Red Flag: You ask a casual, respectful question and they explode with defensiveness that’s completely disproportionate to what you asked.

Example:

• You: “Hey, who were you texting?”
• Them: “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS INTERROGATE ME? I can’t even breathe without you accusing me of something! This is exhausting!”

Why It’s Dangerous: Innocent people don’t respond like this. Defensive outbursts are designed to:

• Make YOU feel guilty for asking
• Deflect from answering
• Train you not to ask questions

The Pattern: Every time you ask anything, you’re made to feel accusatory, controlling, or “mean.” Eventually, you stop asking questions—which is exactly what they want.

What To Do: If simple questions consistently trigger theatrical defensiveness, you’re not dealing with innocence. You’re dealing with someone hiding something.

5. Addiction (And Denial or Refusal to Get Help)

The Red Flag: They’re addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn, shopping, gaming, or any behavior that’s negatively impacting their life and the relationship—and they either:

• Refuse to acknowledge it
• Acknowledge it but refuse help
• “Get help” but never actually change

Why It’s Dangerous: You cannot love someone out of addiction. You cannot be “good enough” to make them stop. Addiction will always choose itself over you.

The Trap: You think if you just love them enough, are supportive enough, are patient enough, they’ll want to change for you.

The Reality: They have to want to change for themselves. And until they do, you’re just enabling the addiction and sacrificing your own mental health.

What To Do: Give them one chance: “I love you, but I can’t be in a relationship with active addiction. If you’re serious about getting help, I’m here. But I won’t watch you destroy yourself and me in the process.”

If they choose the addiction, you choose yourself and walk away.

6. Future Faking: All Talk, Zero Action

The Red Flag: They’re constantly talking about your future together—marriage, kids, moving in, trips, plans—but there’s never any actual progression toward any of it.

Why It’s Dangerous: Future faking is used to:

• Keep you invested with minimal effort
• Get you to meet their current needs by promising future rewards
• String you along without commitment
• Create excitement that distracts from present-day issues

Examples:

• “We’re going to get married next year” (been saying this for 3 years)
• “When we have kids…” (but won’t even define the relationship)
• “We should move in together soon” (never looks at apartments)
• “I’m going to take you to Europe” (never books anything)

The Test: Suggest taking ONE concrete step toward any future plan they’ve mentioned. Watch them:

• Change the subject
• Say “not yet”
• Get defensive
• Accuse you of rushing them

What To Do: Stop listening to words. Watch patterns of action. If the two don’t match for 3+ months, you’re being strung along.

7. Walking Contradictions + Bulletproof Excuses

The Red Flag: Everything they say contradicts something they said before OR their words never match their actions. And when you respectfully point it out, they have an excuse that’s so good, it makes YOU feel like an idiot for asking.

Examples:

• Says they value honesty → Lies constantly
• Says family is everything → Talks badly about family members
• Says they’re “not talking to their ex” → You see constant texts
• Says they want commitment → Active on dating apps

The Pattern:

• Monday: “You’re my priority”
• Tuesday: Cancels plans for the 4th time this month
• Wednesday: “Why are you being so needy?”

Why It’s Dangerous: The excuse makes you feel guilty for noticing the contradiction. Eventually, you stop pointing things out because you don’t want to be “that person.”

What To Do: Keep a list. Write down what they say and what they actually do. When you see the pattern in black and white, you can’t excuse it anymore.

8. Empathetic Bankruptcy

The Red Flag: They have zero ability to put themselves in your shoes. Your feelings are always:

• An overreaction
• Too sensitive
• Making a big deal out of nothing
• Your problem to deal with

Why It’s Dangerous: If you find yourself empathizing with someone who is unable to empathize with you, this is a major red flag.

You will ALWAYS be understanding their perspective while they dismiss yours. This creates a relationship where your needs don’t matter and your feelings don’t count.

Examples:

• You’re upset because they forgot your birthday
• Them: “It’s just a day. Get over it.”
• You’re hurt because they flirted with someone in front of you
• Them: “You’re being dramatic. I was just being friendly.”

What To Do: If your empathy for them becomes a detriment to your mental health, have some empathy for yourself and walk away.

9. They Get Off on Making You Jealous

The Red Flag: They intentionally:

• Flirt with others in front of you
• Bring up their exes
• Compare you to other women
• Keep you wondering where you stand
• Make you compete for their attention

Why It’s Dangerous: Because you never feel like you have “all” of them, you are in a constant state of trying to get all of them.

This:

• Unfairly de-pedestals you
• Obnoxiously pedestals them
• Redefines your definition of a relationship as something you have to compete for

The Psychology: They know that keeping you slightly insecure keeps you working harder. The moment you feel secure, their power diminishes.

What To Do: No thanks. You don’t audition for a relationship. You don’t compete for basic respect. Walk away from anyone who treats love like a game show.

10. Lies (Big or Small) and Unreliability

The Red Flag: Whether it’s compulsive lying about small things or major betrayals, you can’t trust anything they say.

Why It’s Dangerous: If you can’t trust them, there is no way you will ever be able to rely on them.

And a relationship without trust and reliability is just two people wasting each other’s time.

The Progression:

• Week 1: Small lie about where they were
• Month 2: Caught in multiple lies, each with an excuse
• Month 6: You’re fact-checking everything they say
• Month 12: You don’t believe anything anymore

What To Do: One major lie or a pattern of small lies should both result in the same action: walking away. You don’t have the time or power to heal someone out of their own immorality.

11. They’re “Trying” With the Basics

The Red Flag: They say they’re “working on” or “trying” to:

• Love you
• Be honest with you
• Respect you
• Commit to you
• Stay monogamous
• Communicate
• Act like an adult

Why It’s Dangerous: Regardless of relational experience, no one should ever have to “try” to do these things.

These are basics. These are the bare minimum. If they have to “try” to respect you, they don’t respect you.

The Reality: When it’s right, these things are effortless. They’re not achievements to work toward—they’re foundations to build on.

What To Do: Stop accepting “trying” as an excuse. Either they do these things naturally, or you find someone who does.

12. Eerily Familiar (Reminds You of Your Ex or Parents)

The Red Flag: Aside from very basic qualities like honesty and kindness…

If they seem eerily similar to and remind you of an ex or either one of your parents, this is a red flag.

Why It’s Dangerous: You’re unconsciously attracted to familiar patterns, even toxic ones. This is your attachment style playing out.

The Pattern:

• Dad was emotionally unavailable → You date emotionally unavailable men
• Mom was controlling → You date controlling partners
• Ex was narcissistic → New partner shows narcissistic traits

What To Do: Do the work to understand WHY you’re attracted to this pattern. Therapy. Self-reflection. Breaking the cycle requires conscious awareness.

13. Confessionals (They Tell You Their Pattern, You Ignore It)

The Red Flag: They confess:

• “I’ve cheated on everyone I’ve ever been with”
• “I always end up hurting people”
• “I’m terrible at relationships”
• “I always get bored after 6 months”

Then they add: “But you’re different.”

Why It’s Dangerous: They are telling you they have a history of a repeated toxic pattern. What makes you think you’re the magical exception?

The Math:

• Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior
• Patterns don’t break themselves
• You’re not special—you’re next

What To Do: Fold. Don’t stick around to see if you can be the one who turns around an immature and disgusting standard. Let someone else be the crash dummy if they want. You’re out.

14. “I’m Just Kidding” After Cruel “Jokes”

The Red Flag: They repeatedly say hurtful things disguised as jokes. When you react, they say:

• “I’m just kidding”
• “Learn to take a joke”
• “You’re too sensitive”
• “I was just playing”

Why It’s Dangerous: “Joking” in this manner is such a joke. As long as they’re “kidding,” they can be cruel and get away with it.

The Pattern:

• They insult you
• You’re hurt
• They claim they’re joking
• You’re the problem for not laughing

What To Do: The first time it happens: “That hurt my feelings. Please don’t say things like that.”

If it happens again: They are the joke here and you need to be done.

15. Allergic to Your Success

The Red Flag: When something good happens to you:

• They’re noticeably quiet or dismissive
• They change the subject to themselves
• They find a way to diminish it
• They make YOU feel bad for being excited
• Your success requires YOU to give THEM more attention

Why It’s Dangerous: Your success shines a light on their lack of it. And anyone who can only amplify their light by dimming yours is not worth your time.

What Healthy Looks Like: Your success makes them proud. They brag about you. They celebrate you. Your wins are their wins.

What To Do: If you’re made to feel bad and apologize for your success, walk away. You deserve someone who’s your biggest cheerleader, not your biggest critic.

16. Different Definitions of Love, Monogamy, Honesty, and Respect

The Red Flag: Your definitions of these fundamental relationship concepts don’t align.

Examples:

Love:

• You: Love is action, consistency, and sacrifice
• Them: Love is a feeling that comes and goes

Monogamy:

• You: Exclusive—no dating apps, no flirting, no exes
• Them: Monogamy is flexible, emotional connections are fine

Honesty:

• You: Complete transparency
• Them: What you don’t know won’t hurt you

Respect:

• You: Treating each other with dignity
• Them: Respect has to be earned (and can be lost)

Why It’s Dangerous: You’ll never be on the same page. What you see as betrayal, they see as acceptable. What you need, they see as excessive.

What To Do: Have these conversations EARLY. If your fundamental definitions don’t align, walk away. You deserve someone who defines these things in the same (or an even better) way than you do.

The 3 Places Where Red Flags Hide

Red flags tend to reside in three main spots. Pay attention to these areas because the most deal-breaking red flags hide in these dynamics.

Place #1: Relational Values and Moral Code

His relational value system and moral code are where many deal-breaking red flags hide and reside. This boils down to:

• What they think is funny vs. disturbing
• What they find respectful vs. disrespectful
• What excites vs. bores them
• What turns them on vs. off
• What they think is okay vs. not okay

Example from Natasha:

I once dated a guy who would never send me photos of himself but would text me porn—throughout the day and without any other text leading up to or following it. I wasn’t offended, but to me, it felt inorganic, awkward to respond to, and odd. I felt bad because I could tell that he genuinely thought it was a real turn-on to send me multiple videos, every day, of strangers having sex.

I told him in a direct but very kind, non-embarrassing way that I wasn’t into the videos. He immediately said “oh, come on,” called me a prude, laughed at me, and then, over the next month…

He slowly iced me out.

I tried everything to get his attention and prove that I wasn’t as lame as he thought I was. Besides feeling humiliated and ending up even more rejected, I got burned.

Looking back, the videos were the smoke that put his value system on display, which led me to the eventual fire of his response.

The Lesson: If your partner thinks something is hilarious that you find disturbing, sexy that you find a total turn-off, or respectful that you feel is disrespectful and it does not coincide with YOUR own relational value system and moral code…

You need to identify it as the smoke that it is and stop investing.

Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. The fact that you feel this way is enough to at least acknowledge the presence of smoke.

Place #2: Family, Friends & Exes

Red flags hide out in these relationships and we excuse the inappropriateness for many reasons:

• It shines a light on the lack of closeness in our own relationships
• We don’t want to be the “uncool girlfriend/boyfriend”
• We write off our gut feelings as insecurity
• We pedestal their “maturity” and relationships that “we just don’t understand”

What To Watch For:

Pay very close attention to:

• How they talk about their family, friends, and exes
• The relationships they maintain with these people
• If they act like a different person around them
• If they seek validation from them
• If they get off to being a fixer/rescuer for them

Red Flags:

• Still emotionally entangled with an ex (frequent contact, brings them up constantly)
• Inappropriate relationship with a “friend” (one-on-one hangouts that feel like dates)
• Toxic family dynamic they refuse to set boundaries with
• Friends who disrespect you (and they don’t defend you)

The Test: If any of these relationships make your stomach turn at best, and at worst, have you questioning your place in their life, your value, their values, and your reality…

Keep your antennas up because the most deal-breaking red flags hide in these dynamics.

Place #3: Patterns (The Ultimate Truth-Teller)

The ability to spot/act on red flags in relationships goes hand-in-hand with your ability to do what the majority of people cannot: look beyond the superficiality of good looks, words, actions, and even personality.

A winning personality can be addicting because it feels just as good as it looks on paper. You can talk all night, finish each other’s sentences and laugh for hours. The conversation is seamless and the flirting, the chivalry… everything makes sense and feels incredible.

None of that matters though without character and integrity backing it up.

There is nothing sexier than a person with character and integrity. And the only way to attract someone with character and integrity is to exude the very same character and integrity that you had to abandon in order to even give toxic people one chance, let alone multiple.

The Truth About Looks, Words, and Actions:

• Winning the genetic lottery does not require any talent or effort, nor does it last
• An incredible personality supersedes looks
• Actions supersede words
• But here’s what I failed to see for years: PATTERNS SUPERSEDE ACTION

ANYONE can do something chivalrous once:

• Anyone can open a door
• Buy flowers
• Write a card
• Book a flight
• Send a sweet text
• Show up when it’s convenient

But patterns reveal character:

• Do they CONSISTENTLY show up?
• Do they RELIABLY follow through?
• Are they DEPENDABLY honest?
• Do they REPEATEDLY prioritize you?

Character is about the moral qualities that distinguish you. Integrity is the level to which what you say and the actions that you take, match a PATTERN of those qualities.

The ability to recognize patterns is what allows you to separate the emotional nostalgia that’s tied to the grandiosity of their actions from the truth (red flags) of their patterns.

The 11 Additional Red Flags (Quick Reference)

17. They Treat Service Workers, Animals, and the Elderly Poorly

How they treat those who “can’t do anything for them” reveals their character. Watch closely.

18. They’re Controlling

They need to know where you are, who you’re with, and what you’re doing at all times. They isolate you from friends and family. They control what you wear, eat, or how you spend your time.

19. Selfish + Shows Little Interest in Your Life

They expect you to be their on-demand cheerleader, motivational coach, and armchair psychologist—but show zero interest in your life unless there’s something in it for them.

20. They Keep You On Your Toes (In a Bad Way)

You constantly feel like you’re competing for their attention, affection, or commitment. Nothing is ever secure.

21. They Have an Explosive Temper

Screaming, throwing things, punching walls, road rage—any inability to control anger is a massive red flag.

22. They Isolate You From Your Support System

Subtly or overtly, they convince you that your friends and family “don’t understand” or “don’t like them”—until you’re isolated and dependent on them alone.

23. Love Bombing (Too Much, Too Soon)

They come on intensely strong—”I love you” within days, talking about marriage immediately, overwhelming you with attention. It’s a manipulation tactic.

24. They Stonewall During Conflict

They shut down, refuse to talk, give you the silent treatment for days. This is emotional abuse.

25. Financial Red Flags

They’re financially irresponsible, expect you to pay for everything, “borrow” money they never return, or try to control your finances.

26. They Rush Physical Intimacy

They pressure you for sex before you’re ready or use sex as a manipulation tool (“If you loved me, you’d…”).

27. Your Instinct Screams “RUN”

Trust it. Your body knows before your mind catches up.

What To Do When You See Red Flags

What’s the best thing to do when you come across a red flag?

Immediately become more observant than you are invested.

The Analogy: If you loaned a friend money and on the promised return date, they ignored all your calls and didn’t pay you back, you would never continue to invest. You would halt ALL investment until the smoke cleared. And if it didn’t, you wouldn’t try to be a “good enough friend” for them to return your money. You’d cut your losses and close the door.

The same mentality needs to be applied to red flags.

The Action Plan:

When you see smoke (a red flag):

1. STOP INVESTING – Don’t go deeper. Pull back.
2. OBSERVE – Watch for patterns. Is this a one-time thing or consistent?
3. ADDRESS IT – Communicate your concern clearly and calmly (one time)
4. WATCH THEIR RESPONSE:
   • Do they get defensive? (Red flag)
   • Do they make excuses? (Red flag)
   • Do they blame you? (Red flag)
   • Do they acknowledge it and show changed behavior? (Green flag)
5. SET A TIMELINE – Give them 30 days max. If the pattern continues, walk away.

Red flags are meant to be acted on. Not investigated and reacted to.

Just like you had the power to excuse and ignore, you have the power to identify, flush, and prevail.

Why You Ignore Red Flags (And How To Stop)

Reason #1: You See Potential

You’re not dating who they are—you’re dating who they could be if they just tried harder, went to therapy, had better circumstances, met the right person (you).

The Reality: Potential is not a person. Date actuality, not potential.

Reason #2: You’re Already Invested

You’ve already spent 6 months, a year, 3 years. The sunk cost fallacy makes you think leaving means all that time was wasted.

The Reality: Staying in a toxic relationship wastes MORE time than leaving does.

Reason #3: You’re Afraid of Being Alone

You’d rather be in a bad relationship than be single.

The Reality: Being alone is temporary. The damage from staying with someone toxic is permanent.

Reason #4: You Think You Can Fix Them

You believe if you’re just patient enough, understanding enough, loving enough, they’ll change for you.

The Reality: People only change when THEY want to. Your love cannot fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed.

Reason #5: Low Self-Worth

You don’t believe you deserve better. You think this is the best you can do.

The Reality: You deserve someone who defines love, respect, honesty, and commitment the same way you do—or better.

The Bottom Line: Red Flags Are a Gift

Red flags are the greatest gift because they give you the opportunity to see exactly who you are dealing with.

And any emotional nostalgia that remains for their good qualities no longer has the power to mess with you. Thanks to the red flags, you can see how embarrassingly limited, illusory, and contradictory those qualities are.

Always go for actuality. Never wait around for the potential to actualize.

Red flags are never about you but self-sabotage is. Stop sabotaging your life by thinking that your only purpose in it is to have to work for things like love, honesty, clear communication, and respect.

These are basics. These are the bare minimum. These are non-negotiables.

And anyone who makes you work for them doesn’t deserve access to you.

Frequently Asked Questions About Red Flags

How many red flags are too many?

One major red flag (cheating, abuse, addiction) is enough to walk away. Multiple smaller red flags (3+) that form a pattern are also enough. Don’t wait for a collection—one is enough if it violates your core values.

What if they’re working on their red flags?

Working on it is good—IF they’re in therapy, taking consistent action, and showing measurable change over months (not just promising to change). But don’t wait around hoping. Set a clear timeline and stick to it.

Can red flags be overcome?

Some red flags (communication issues, different love languages) can be worked on. Others (abuse, chronic lying, lack of empathy) cannot. Know the difference and don’t waste your time on unchangeable patterns.

What if I ignored red flags and now I’m in deep?

You’re not stuck. It’s never too late to leave. Read How to Get Out of a Toxic Relationship for a complete guide to safely leaving.

How do I trust my gut about red flags?

Your gut is always right. If something feels off, it IS off. Stop talking yourself out of your own intuition. If you wouldn’t want your best friend dating someone with these red flags, you shouldn’t be either.

What if everyone says I’m being too picky?

Being “too picky” about who gets access to your life, energy, and future is called having standards. Don’t let anyone shame you for knowing what you deserve.

Your Next Step: Choose Your Dignity

You have a choice right now.

You can keep:

• Making excuses for red flags
• Hoping they’ll change
• Trying to be “good enough”
• Ignoring your gut
• Sacrificing your peace

Or…

You can:

• Trust your intuition
• Set non-negotiable boundaries
• Walk away from smoke before it becomes fire
• Choose your dignity over their potential
• Build a life where red flags are dealbreakers, not challenges

If you’re struggling to leave a toxic relationship:

My book Win Your Breakup: How To Be The One That Got Away will show you exactly how to leave with your dignity intact and ensure you never settle for red flags again.

If you need personalized support:

One-on-one coaching will help you identify your patterns, understand why you ignore red flags, and create a plan to break the cycle for good.

If you want ongoing guidance:

Join the Natasha Adamo Community for live Q&A sessions, courses on boundaries, self-worth, and a tribe of people who won’t let you settle.

The Truth You Need to Hear

Just because you aren’t directly hurting other people (like they are), that doesn’t make you any better for hurting the one person you will never be able to afford turning your back on—yourself.

Red flags aren’t meant for you to extinguish, take ownership of, or be “good enough” to change the color.

They are meant for you to get away from.

Your emotional toolbelt was not designed to put out the fires of relational arsonists.

It was designed to guide you toward people who would never set you on fire in the first place.

Stop walking through smoke.

Your White Horse is waiting.

Written by: Natasha Adamo

If you’re looking for further and more specific help; if you’re tired of waiting to be chosen and ready to choose yourself, personalized coaching with Natasha Adamo is the answer. Book your one-on-one session today.

Related Articles You Must Read:

• Know When To Walk Away: 15 Non-Negotiable Signs
• Gaslighting in Relationships: 7 Warning Signs
• How To Set Boundaries (Even When It’s Hard)
• Toxic Relationship: 10 Signs You’re In One
• How To Deal With A Narcissist: Ultimate Guide
• Trauma Bonding: Why You Can’t Leave
• Why You’re Attracted to Toxic People
• How To Trust Your Intuition Again

About Natasha Adamo

Natasha Adamo is a globally recognized self-help author, relationship expert, and motivational speaker. With over 2.5 million devoted blog readers and clients in thirty-one countries, she is a beacon of inspiration to many. Her debut bestseller, “Win Your Breakup”, offers a unique perspective on personal growth after breakups. Natasha’s mission is to empower individuals to develop healthier relationships and actualize their inherent potential.