Estimated reading time: 14 minutes
In March of last year, I wrote a blog post on how to spot, drop, and move on from fake friends. Two years before that, I wrote a post on why I have no friends (and how this isn’t necessarily a bad thing). These are still, two of the most popular posts I’ve written. A few days ago, I did a q&a on Instagram. There were so many questions regarding toxic friends and how to let go of a toxic friendship, I decided to do a poll asking if my next blog post should be about toxic friendships. The results were ninety-nine percent “YES” and one percent “NO.”
So, here I am.
Readers and clients often ask me how I could be in such an incredible romantic relationship, yet, still be able to write about toxicity and breakups as though I am going through one in real-time, right along with them.
What most people don’t know is that I’ve been going through the toughest breakup of my life for the last four years.
This is not something that I feel comfortable sharing because I’m still navigating my way through it (and I care deeply about the person involved and their privacy). But breakups in business, with friends, and toxic family members hurt just as much as breakups with toxic romantic partners.
Through the years of writing this blog, I’ve gone through two breakups with toxic friends. I could never have imagined these two friends not being in my life. These are people that I could not have been any closer to.
Breakups with toxic friends are confusing, devastating, and extremely lonely. They can also make you feel very guilty and ashamed. After I wrote above that while writing this blog, “I’ve gone through two breakups with toxic friends,” I immediately wanted to delete it. There was a part of me that felt like such a failure.
But I don’t write this blog from any kind of psychological high horse. Nor do I use it as a vehicle to express how perfect I am. I still fail more than I succeed; I still mess up in my relationships. I still feel insecure and scared. And I will always be imperfect. The difference now is that I can have some compassion with myself. I can gently redirect and remind myself that this isn’t about me never having egg on my face.
It has always and will always be about YOU.
Getting back to toxic friendships…
It’s one thing to go through a breakup with someone you were dating for a few months or stop talking to a family member (I am in *no way* minimizing how painful, impactful, and traumatic these breakups are) but it’s another thing to go through a breakup with *your* confidante; *your* best buddy, *your* pal (I do not emphasize “your” here, with the intention of highlighting ownership of another individual. It is done with the intention of highlighting a one-of-a-kind understanding, support system, and soulmate connection). This is the person who spoke your language and finished your sentences; the one who was there for and with you whenever the world shut you out or let you down.
There’s also this added level of awkwardness because you got close to their family and friends. And what about all of your mutual friends?
For me personally, breakups with toxic friends have been just as, if not more, difficult to navigate than breakups with toxic romantic partners and even family.
Breakups with toxic friends can actually be more painful than breakups with toxic family members and romantic partners.
How?
Your friends are the family that you chose for yourself.
We are raised to believe that no matter what, our family will be there. “Blood is thicker than water.” “Romantic partners will come and go, but at the end of the day, you will always have your family.” Sayings like this are thrown around a lot.
We don’t get a say in choosing our biological family, but we do get a say in choosing a family of our own. A good friendship feels like a product of your survival, the fruit of your emotional labor, and the purpose of your past pain.
And now, it’s over. It doesn’t matter how toxic the friendship became. The actual person that you would go to when feeling the emotions that this breakup has elicited is now gone.
And you’re left feeling weirdly spiteful and competitive (am I alone here?), heartbroken, and “mean” for finally getting to the point that you had to ACT on your line being crossed. Or, you may feel trapped in the swamp of being a victim to their bullsh*t; realizing that you were a personal doormat, cheerleader, and armchair psychologist more than you were EVER in a mutual friendship.
What is a toxic friend?
My definition of a toxic friend is no different than my definition of a toxic person:
“Anyone who gets validation by exploiting your hunger for theirs.”
Here are just a few common traits of toxic friends:
Toxic friends tend to be really great when you’re down and out. When you’re on the up and up and it’s an important time for you in your life, you’ll find yourself consoling them or wondering what you did to upset them (when deep down you know you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong).
They can be very passive-aggressive and most of them are total users. They’ll throw you a few crumbs here and there just to make sure there won’t be a pause in the delivery of the loaves you consistently supply.
They can also be very controlling. If their life isn’t progressing, neither will yours! (They’ll make sure of it).
When you kindly communicate that you are hurt or have an issue with something they’ve done…
Toxic friends will try to make you feel stupid, immature, and bad for wanting to respectfully talk further to gain clarity (so that the friendship can actually continue). They’ll make you feel like you’re incapable of “moving on” and “letting things go” when really, how the hell CAN you move on without talking it out?
If I know that I hurt someone, whether or not I feel like they have a “right” to be hurt, I would care that they are hurt. I would tell them that I’m open to talking, answering their questions, and going over whatever they need, however many times they need, until clarity is reached. This is what you do when you care. You don’t hurt someone, blame your behavior on them (or another source), and then, make them feel bad for not being able to “move on” when really, they’re just having a human reaction to a hurtful and confusing set of circumstances.
Bottom line, your intuition knows when it’s in the presence of toxicity.
You aren’t giving yourself enough credit here. You are incredibly intuitive, powerful, and intelligent. You have value. Do not allow your intelligence to be insulted anymore (by toxic friends AND by your own insecurities and fears).
If you’re dealing with a friend who you do NOT believe is toxic (or you’re on the fence), always communicate how you feel; give them a chance to explain themselves. This may create an opportunity to get even closer by understanding each other more.
But for toxic friends who have consistently proven that they are incapable of acknowledging anything outside of their righteousness and selfishness…
Explaining anything to them is a waste of time.
Please do not use the above as an “end-all-be-all.” Holes can be poked in anything and lists can always be added to. Me expecting that my blog posts are the “holy grail” would be dimming the one thing that I have dedicated my life to amplifying: You listening to, honoring, and acting on YOUR intuition – not being dependent on me and mine, just so I can gain “converts,” “disciples,” and make a fast buck.
I am here to empower others – not to disempower them just so I can empower myself by having people dependent on me. That’s the job of toxic friends, family, lovers, and toxic people in general – not me.
Have some compassion for these types. They will never know what it’s like to get off the hamster wheel of having to always find bandages to put over the cancer of their inferiority complex.
Toxic friends are prisoners to shortcomings that they have no problem being in denial of. And they always end up proving through their actions that they are more interested in protecting their ego than being wrong (and evolving as a result of self-reflection, empathy, and communication).
Always listen to your intuition. Pay close attention to how you consistently feel around certain friends.
In life, there are people who will use the dependency they trigger you to have on them as a way to feel better about themselves.
And then, there are people just like you who get hurt by these people. And although you are fallible (as well all are), look at you STILL searching for ways to better yourself, while simultaneously blaming yourself for the behavior of a grown adult!
You don’t have to do that anymore.
There are so many good people in this world who, just like you, can blossom and evolve BECAUSE OF applying the learned lessons amid heartbreak. People who are able to fully value and appreciate others because they value and appreciate everything they’ve done to fight for the unconditional self-love that no one can ever take away.
You are looking for emotional freedom but don’t realize that you are already free.
You are not defined by your relationships. How you define yourself is what attracts the relationships you have. It’s what sets the bar for everything you tolerate.
I know this friendship made you feel worthless but the way you were treated is not about you. It’s a reflection of how this “friend” feels about themselves.
Do toxic friends all have the same characteristics? What are the signs of a toxic friendship?
Toxic friends do NOT all have the same exact characteristics. The number one sign of a toxic friendship is that the relationship is clearly, one-sided.
Maybe, the toxic friendship you’re trying to let go of did not start off toxic. Sometimes, people are just unhappy. Or, they go through trauma and it brings out the absolute worst in them (ask me how I know; I’ve been that person). And while we can all empathize, if you continue to outsource your empathy to the point that it’s detracting from the quality of your own life, that’s not empathy.
That’s self-inflicted abuse.
I used to have a very close friend who ended up not being good for my mental health. This person brought me down more than they ever uplifted me.
Oftentimes, I’d found out that they told other people very private things I shared with them in confidence.
I am an extremely private person and I value loyalty. Because of this, I am a loyal person and very respectful when it comes to other people’s privacy. When someone is disloyal to me and not respectful of my privacy, it truly is the worst thing that they can do because once I realize what’s happened, I can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.
This friend used to criticize me a lot – which did nothing but fill my self-fulfilling prophecy of “I am not enough” and “there must be something wrong with me or else they’d respect me and my boundaries.”
As a result, I was primed to rationalize the nonsensical, defend the indefensible, and excuse the inexcusable.
Toxic friends will allow and encourage you to own their behavior. What they do is always in response to something you did/didn’t do.
I really cared about this friend though. We had a history and nothing ever seemed “bad enough” to throw all those years down the drain. I loved them and didn’t want to know what life was like without them in it.
Whenever I tried to talk to them about how I felt, they’d admit what they did wrong (if they felt like they were at an actual risk of losing me) and not want to discuss anything any further. Or, they’d get angry and defensive.
Ultimately, I couldn’t continue. My head and heart had hit their limit.
For an entire year after this toxic friendship breakup, I would feel like I was taking a bullet every time a mutual friend brought up their name. I would go back to thinking that I was too harsh. And I’d punish myself for days on end.
For a really long time, I felt spiteful. I was jealous, angry, and bitter. I fantasized about how great of a place I’d be in my own life when this person would be BEGGING for my forgiveness. I thought about all the things I’d say when I saw them again; how I’d really “stick it to them.”
Sadly, this poisonous (but very common) mentality kept me going for a while. But I was running on fumes.
And in the process, I realized two very important things:
How to deal with toxic friends
- As long as the relationship that you have with yourself is toxic, you will attract and tolerate toxic friendships.
- What got me off of the ruminating; the shifting between wanting revenge and blaming myself, was understanding that both me AND my friend were in pain and suffering. I realized just how unhappy this person had to be with themselves to treat me the way that they did – and how unhappy I had to be with myself to tolerate it and continue giving at the expense of my identity.
Today, I feel a sense of relief, peace, and INDIFFERENCE when I think of my former friend because I have let go.
I stopped wanting to be heard, be right, and “win.”
I stopped with the one-upmanship.
And I realized that the actual “win” is the non-toxic friendship I now have with myself as a result of identifying (and getting away from) the toxic one I had with them.
Negativity, inconsistency, and toxicity are just as contagious as the virus that we are currently, taking every precaution to protect ourselves from.
The best way to deal with toxic friends is to stop. Stop trying to educate, enlighten, parent, and exonerate them into being the friend you deserve. Be the friend to YOURSELF that you truly deserve and the actions of toxic friends will of course, still hurt, but you’ll be able to let them own their own behavior.
Your peace will be restored only when you choose to prioritize it.
Always be compassionate and kind. Communicate ONE TIME how you feel. And if they don’t meet you halfway, it’s okay to forgive them and let go of what no longer is (or maybe, what never was).
How to let go of a toxic friend
Understand that you cannot fix this for them. No amount of giving, caring, or listening will ever be able to fix the relationship that someone has with themselves. Only they can do that.
I ultimately chose to move on from my friendship with this person years ago. I used the pain I felt to launch myself into a life that I am very proud of, and deliberate about keeping clean (non-toxic). With friends whose happiness is my own – and mine theirs.
Friends who understand that I am FAR from perfect and communicate with me if I hurt them or there is a misunderstanding.
Friends who don’t count cards; who genuinely want the best for me and crave mutuality more than a hype beast.
The best way to let go of a toxic friend is to forgive. Forgiveness is adjusted boundaries that are rooted in acceptance. It’s about accepting who someone has revealed themselves to be – not holding onto the hologram of who they were, just so you don’t have to act on the boundaries that they continue to bust.
You don’t have to keep trying so hard. I spent the first twenty four years of my life bending over backward to get people to notice me, like me, and include me.
Trust me when I say, you are enough. You don’t need to be anyone other than who you are.
Some people will exit your life and it will hurt but it’s okay. You don’t need to convince them to stay.
As my friend Lorelle just reminded a reader in the comments:
“Fill your life with things that make you happy. Go to places that you like. ONLY spend time with people who make you feel good. Don’t ever ignore your gut if it tells you something is off and never apologize for how you feel about people or situations.
We learn to tolerate and accept WAY TOO MUCH dysfunction. Especially if we grew up in unhealthy dynamics.
Listen to your gut and follow your intuition. TRUST yourself. It’s hard to do when you grow up unable to trust others, but you can trust yourself.
Do something nice for yourself everyday. Something little, like buying yourself flowers, or a latte on the way to work. Or wearing an outfit you love, exercising or watching your favorite shows cuddled up. The more self-love you show yourself, the more comfy you will be in your own skin, and you will not settle for things that make you feel bad about yourself – especially from other people. Don’t accept crappy behavior from others. Rudeness, letting you down, not being there for you, only wanting you for favors and never putting any real effort in.
When you start to get strong at this, you will amaze yourself with who falls out of your life, and the new kinds of people you will attract. But you truly deserve the best and you can have all of it! You just have to believe it.”
If you feel alone or are having a hard time moving on from a toxic friendship, please comment below. Not only will it help others, who are too shy to comment, feel less alone but you may make a lifelong friend in the process of sharing. There are so many good people in this world who have so much love to give – yourself included.
Are you done with toxic relationships and ready to attract (and be attracted to) healthy relationships? Do you want to connect with others on a deeper level than the comments below? Click here to become an Emotional Mastery Member and learn more. If you’re looking for more personalized, one-on-one help, you can work directly with Natasha Adamo here.
This is 100% correct and just what I needed to read. Thank you…?
So happy it helped!! Thanks Jillian 🙂 xo
I know a person since May 2018. It has been a roller coaster ride with him. I have tried my best to have a healthy friendship with him but he would come, feed me crumbs, leave after 3 months.
During those 3 months, first he would act like he cares a lot. Once he sees I have been manipulated successfully, he would start abusing me, belittling me, indulge in gas lighting, blame me for making his life hell.
Everytime he has left, I find myself back to square one. Whatever work I had done on myself goes down the drain. He pulls me down.
The problem is I am unable to let go. I still wish to have a cordial relation with him without all the bitterness.
Thank you for these words of advice and encouragement, Natasha. I have been going through a friend/somewhere in between platonic and romantic breakup recently, and have felt pretty down about it. I thought I didn’t do enough to help this person (even though they always bailed on me). Reading these blog posts have helped me realize that I in fact haven’t been doing enough: for MYSELF.
Once I started focusing on the relationship I have with me, I was able to not only see the relationship I had with this person for what it was, but also let go if it! Making sure I exercise everyday, eat proper nutrition, hydrate myself, and do my best at work take up FAR too much time for me to even consider getting off of my white horse for this person who never gave me the time of day. If you truly focus on yourself, in time you will see the truth and it WILL set you free. Much love to you all.
– Tori
Thank u Natasha! This is a great start for 2021. I just let go of a toxic friendship, and this made me feel less guilty about it. I didn’t realize that while I was helping them I was loosing myself I think that another indicator of a toxic friendship is how they are always in need, but they can never help you. This happened to me and it broke my heart. But as time passes I realize that I am so at peace and feel free now that she is gone, plus this post made me feel like It was the right choice. THANK U AGAIN P.d: can’t wait for your podcast
Natasha, Thank you for this wonderful post. It is such a good reminder to let go when someone shows you who they are and to realize and accept that a friend is who they are and not a “hologram” or who you want or deserve them to be.
I’m struggling with a boss who was a friend at work who has been extremely impatient with and unkind to me. And it’s so good to have a reminder to stop trying to “fix it” with this boss. But instead to do what you and Lorelle say and to spend more time taking care of me and myself.
I think with workplace seeming friendships turning sour- it can be hard because you cannot just walk away sometimes if you love your work otherwise. You can just turn away from the toxicity, turn towards the warmth and love of other coworker friends, and take care of yourself.
This week at work I am going to do something for myself every day, three times a day if I have to, to focus on loving myself in the face of this Boss’ meanness and constant demeaning critical comments on my performance. I am enough. Sending much love. You are amazing, Natasha. Your blossoming is my own!
This is spot on Natasha! I had to break up with a group of friends who likes to drink & gossip. Until I realized they were aiming their negativity and insecurities at me, I didn’t realize I’d been sucked into their bad habits. It was very painful & took time & patience for me to rebuild character for myself & figure out what my values were. And then I had to take the scary step of finding folks who shared those new values while weeding out the ones who didn’t. It was a painful but necessary process and I’m now blessed with folks who are kind & inclusive & do not gossip.
Hi.
I didn t yet take the leap to let go but I am more optimistic than ever 🙂
♥️ Attitude is everything. All my love to you Kate xo
Friends who consider your happiness theirs… I didn’t feel this from a friend who I’ve known for almost 20 years. Now I see that she was controlling, always wanted to be better than me, criticized me about everything (from my looks to my finances). Only a few years ago, I left that friendship. I still feel pangs of guilt, ruminate over how I could’ve ended things differently, talked with her sooner… But I remind myself that she is insecure and unhappy with herself. And I realize that we both were unhappy and found friendship in our misery. Learning to be nice to myself – actually saying loving things to myself – showed me that I could not tolerate her anymore. Her critical words felt like bullets, no matter how much she said she cared about me. Thanks for writing about this, Natasha. Friendship breakups can be so isolating, and really mess with your head. Sending love to everyone who is navigating these waters <3 Sincerely wishing you all friends who are happy when you’re happy, no agenda, but gentle love.
Joann! It’s so nice to see you here my friend/sister 🙂
“And I realize that we both were unhappy and found friendship in our misery.” – THIS level of self-awareness is what builds confidence and self-love that no one can ever diminish/take away. Wow. I am so happy for and proud of you Joann.
Thank you for taking the time to share. Not only do I love hearing from you, but I know that your experience will help so many people who may be too shy to comment and feeling alone.
Having a long history can cause us to stay in friendships WAY past their expiration date. You outgrew this relationship and evolved as a result of having the sheer courage to ACT – despite fear, guilt, and shame. Bravo!
You know that you have your own back no matter what. Isn’t that an incredible feeling?
And isn’t it nice to know that no matter what, we have each other? – no agenda, just pure connection and gentle love.
Love and appreciate you, sister. xox
Love this post. I happened upon your blog in 2018 when freshly reeling from the end of a very toxic relationship and it saved my life by giving me hope. I realize today that I have been a magnet for toxic people over the course of my life. As I grow and heal and realize my part in it all, I return here to remember and also use the guidance. As I grow and raise my vibration toxic connections are starting to fall away… most recently a friend. I didn’t even realize the friendship was toxic until reading this today. All I knew is that their behavior changed when I started Grad School and I found myself wracking my brain to figure out what I had done wrong. How easily we fall into old patterns if we are not diligent. To all of you suffering out there: when we let go of that which does not serve us, we make space for that which WILL serve us. Find what you love and do it. When you do what you love it naturally raises your vibration. As we level up, lower-level negative vibrations have no choice but to fall away. This leaves room for connections with people, places, and situations that vibe at the same level. We must love ourselves in order to have those high vibe experiences. Just a thought. Love you all.
Rebecca!
Thank you, my sister. You’ve been with me for years now and I could not feel more grateful that you took the time to comment. I am so happy and so honored to have helped in ANY way.
“As I grow and raise my vibration, toxic connections are starting to fall away…” – so true.
You know, I’ve had a lot of people reach out to me saying the same thing; that they didn’t realize their friendship was toxic until reading this post! And it’s not that this post is so incredible as much as, to your point, we don’t realize “how easily we fall into old patterns if we are not diligent.” I experience this often in ALL areas of my life.
I could not agree more about how to achieve high vibrational experiences. I will be doing an Instagram Live next month on this very topic.
Thank you for being here and thank you for you, Rebecca. I love and appreciate you with all my heart. Hoping that this finds you and your loved ones healthy and safe. xx
Natasha – this is one of your best posts yet. You have a way of describing the human condition, of what we put ourselves through, with such exquisite detail and relatednesss. Just in awe. Thank you for assisting us, helping us thru the process of ultimately living ourselves first and for most. For the love that you have shown me, to show myself – I am eternally grateful. With all my love – Malokinji
I am the grateful one, my dear Helen. I don’t know how we ever got so lucky to find each other in this life. Thank you for being a part of this tribe and for being my family. Love you, soul sister. xx
Natasha. Great post!
Never lower your standard to make anyone to like you and end up with bitter regrets.
That part we seldom fell off white horse. ??♂️
Be you or yourself.
Yes it seldom hurts to realize that there’s some certain individual that I or we like her/him that do not like me or us.
Funny thing…. As it seem that there’s some people that I like them but they do not like me. On the other hand there’s some people that like me but I don’t like them. WTF? Why? ??♂️ Any of you feel like this?
Good article tho.
John.
“Just be YOU, the world will adjust.” – This is one of my favorite quotes. And you are right my friend, it is so true.
I used to feel like that a lot. For me personally, it was about engaging in old patterns of validation seeking. But it is different for everyone.
I love and appreciate you so much, John. Thank you for being here and for helping us all with your compassion, kindness, and for sharing your experiences.
Love reading your work Natasha, I was just about to go back to sleep, but had to read everything. I hope you’re well lovely lady you’ll always continue to inspire me ♥️♥️♥️♥️????????
My dear Jules!
I’m happy that you liked it and hope you were able to get some good sleep 🙂 love and miss you.
Thank you for popping in to say hi; thank you for the gift that you are to me and so many. xx
Aww thank you for your response you have helped me tenfold since 2016 and I’ll never forget that ! Truly greatful, I hope you have a fabulous weekend. Lots and lots of love xxxx
Dropping a toxic friend might mean doing the things you like to do alone. It can be uncomfortable. But it gets easier and more empowering each time.
100% !! xoxo
Every toxic friendship I’ve had has always been enabled by my own behavior, as you point out here. Two enabling behaviors stand out: my preference for people who would victimize me, and my delusional unwillingness to believe these same people could function without me. These behaviors were tools so I could feel saintly and special (when in fact nothing was further from the truth).
When I set more realistic levels of responsibility for myself and accepted that I didn’t need to fix other people or prop them up, the culling of toxic relationships happened naturally. Great article Natasha.
I wish you could see the smile on my face when I saw that there was a new comment from you! Thank you for being here and for taking the time to comment, my dear friend.
“My preference for people who would victimize me, and my delusional unwillingness to believe these same people could function without me. These behaviors were tools so I could feel saintly and special (when in fact nothing was further from the truth).” – 100%!
Been there, not doing that again 🙂
I love and value you so much. Thanks for being in my life Brandon.
This post feels like it was written for me at this exact time. I’m really suffering and struggling having just ended a close friendship three weeks ago. The last conversation we had was difficult and I got off the phone with him feeling like I had to tell him goodbye but at the same time totally disappointed. Like all the good moments we had were a waste because ultimately I could salvage the friendship. Couldn’t accept his new lifestyle and how he’d started treating me. When he rationalized treating me like I was disposable once I no longer filled a need for him. I was someone he could rely on for years to provide him support, validation, attention, a sense of humor, flirtation or an ego boost at any given time. We were inseparable until all of a sudden I caught him lying to me, fading, not showing up.
It’s been REALLY hard to accept. This post helped me but between officially calling things off (telling him to completely stop contacting me) and the general January blues, life feels pretty sucky. It’s hard to feel hope or motivation. It’s hard after 3 weeks not to just text him and say hi, tell him I miss him. Tell him never mind what I said about needing to let of him, let’s just go back to a crappy friendship because maybe that’s better than nothing. Better than no having him in my life at all. I really miss him and I know I did the right thing but it still doesn’t feel like day or normal after three weeks of zero contact. Did I really know what I was saying when I said “NEVER again/no more”?!
I how it gets you easier and I’ll feel those things Natasha described…that I’m enough, that I deserve more, that I can have it all. It doesn’t feel that way right now and I don’t know how to make myself feel those good things faster. How long does it take Natasha? To feel happy. accepting and at peace with a toxic friend you let go of but still miss?
Dear Christine,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out; I wish I had the time to type out everything that I want to say to you. I have been where you are and it does get better. The pain is here to PASS, not to stay.
I wish I could put a time stamp on healing but the process is not linear. A lot of it depends on how willing you are to accept what is, adjust your boundaries accordingly, and let your friend own his own behavior. I know it’s hard. Connect with others in the comments here.
Be kind to yourself and easy on yourself as you heal. It *will* happen.
Know that you have family here – supporting you and understanding your pain. I’m so glad that the post helped.
All my love to you, sister.
Hello Christine,
I left a reply last night but do not see it here so will reply again. I am going through the exact same feelings with a “break=up three weeks ago. Thank you for sharing it helped me with my doubts and moments of missing him. There are days I do well getting him out of my system and days days when I feel confident in my decision and others that I am doing just exactly this: ” It’s hard after 3 weeks not to just text him and say hi, tell him I miss him. Tell him never mind what I said about needing to let of him, let’s just go back to a crappy friendship because maybe that’s better than nothing. Better than not having him in my life at all. I really miss him and I know I did the right thing but it still doesn’t feel like day or normal after three weeks of zero contact. Did I really know what I was saying when I said “NEVER again/no more”?! He was the one who instead of blaming when I tried to clarify just stopped communicating. After a month I reached out and instead of answering my question , Hey, I thought it odd that you pulled me in close and spent a lot of time interreacting with me the sudden silence. He answered with a long list of stuff he was doing that had him preoccupied – saying you may reach out to me first and i will respond, Hope you understand. Interesting that he could take the time and energy to make his list of excuses but could not have let me know up front he . None of it sounded sincere. My take was I think he did like me but was playing me for some ego gratification. He was a very casual superficial friend who reached out on a more personal level of friendship then very quickly and suddenly started love bombing me so out of context of where our friendship was ( that love bombing shows no attunement to the other person – as if they are not even in the picture other than as a target of their fantasy) When I indicated I liked him too and wanted a genuine friendship/relationship with him (one based on friendship and open and honest communication that is allowed to grow naturally) he bailed without a word. After a month of silence I contacted him again asked for clarification and after getting only those excuses said I wanted a friendship that included communication and I would not be contacting him again. ( I certainly do not want to be in any relationship where it is only me reaching out) Nor want to be put on hold for whenever he decides to come around for his ego gratification or romantic fantasy. But with no honest communication that is only my take.
Thank you for this post, Natasha. I always recommend your blog to people who go through tough times, and I have also made my BF read some of your posts, to increase his understanding of what a dysfunctional background is about and he thought your content was very helpful for him. You really help others <3
Back in 2018 I had a "friend" take out her trash on me after I tried to clear the air of the friendship (we had been friends for almost 20 years and have been on/off for periods).
What happened up till that point is rather unimportant in the big scheme. The essential point is that I didn't feel I did "enough"… That I wasn't "enough" for her. It always felt like she could go out and have the first 10 friends come to her if so wasn't in her life. I felt UNIMPORTANT.
I always had to walk on eggshells in regards to some topics around her. I always felt like I didn't do and wasn't enough. THAT I WAS ALWAYS LACKING in regards to her, either in what I gave the relationship or brought to the table, how often I called her and asked how SHE was doing.
The more I write this, the more I can see how toxic it is when your un-owned feelings are projected upon another human being. Eeeeeew!
So, one day – after some Facebook drama – she scorned me and belittled me – again. She was hurt ok – but took it out on me and blamed me for various things I wasn't aware of I had done (and in reality – couldn't be blamed for). She has always been very passive aggressive…
At that point I had had enough. I had broke up with her once before but we had found each other again.
Not this time. This time I broke up. I exploded and told her how bad her behaviour was and how it had made me feel, and wished her all the best. She responded with no self realization.
I blocked her on every media I knew we were connected and I FELT SO RELIEVED!
Sometimes what we found when we were young is not the same good for us when we get older. My friend had a sh*Ton of issues and traumas. I have as well, but I am doing something about it. I felt lighter at once and really – sometimes you just have had enough. I just wish I could have seen it before (we always do). The most important thing though, is that you got out… And did your best to defend your boundaries and sanity. She was making me physically SICK!
Important lesson learned. Rather 2 good friends than 10 bad!
Hi Anette!
“The more I write this, the more I can see how toxic it is when your un-owned feelings are projected upon another human being.” – SO true!
Thank you for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe. Thank you for YOU.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. You are self-aware and actually *want* to continue to evolve. Some people don’t.
And you are so right – sometimes you just outgrow people. And that’s okay. I’m happy that you have relief and prioritized your peace.
You are not alone, my friend. All my love to you. xox
Appreciate your sharing. I did the same thing three -four weeks ago. Am feeling the same feelings and second guessing even though I know I did the right thing. Yes, I miss him and the good times…….superficially but fun.. Natasha’s article is helpful.
You are not alone, Karen ♥️ I’m so glad the post was helpful! Thank you for sharing and for being a part of this tribe. xox
Natasha is one of the single most important contributors to my mental health/divorce/trauma recovery over the past year. I am still going through the recovery and divorce, so today, looked to this site and tribe again to gain strength to push on and again, it did not disappoint. The pain-won wisdom above has and will continue to help me remind myself of the journey I’m on and how to continue to deal with the former love of my life with dignity, compassion and hopefully, peace, whilst I continue to navigate this horror. All my love to everyone suffering out there- hang on, it will improve as long as you keep your heart and eyes open for tribes like this. Sending hugs Natasha and thanks again xx
I am in tears ♥️ of so much gratitude and joy. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I live to give everything that I wish I had. You are not alone, Nat. We are all beside and behind you eternally. All my love to you. Hoping that one day, I can be back in London and hug you in person. Xxxox
My did I ever need to come across this! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for sharing your insight on this topic. I’m hurting so badly right now for having to make the decision to cut ties with a few people. It hurts, it’s confusing, I’m doubting myself and so much more. One big thing I am struggling with is that I’m worried what they will tell others of why all of the sudden I’m not in their picture. I unfortunately have seen what they say about others when they figured out who these people truly are, (one contributing factor of many on why I had to cut ties). But I keep telling myself you can’t fight liars and if people believe them without knowing me I don’t need them either. Nothing is ever their fault, it’s always the other people who was the problem (they rotate friends quite frequently). I did try to discuss with them when I was hurt but I was always gaslighted and made to feel like I was the problem. A few frequent responses were…. you worry to much…. just relax….and so on.
I am doing better but still have so much healing to do.
Thank you again, this was a breath of fresh air.
~ Maggie
I am so happy that this post helped! All I want is to give everything that I wish I had.
You are not alone in this <3 It sounds like you're much better off without toxic time-wasters and gaslighting.
All my love to you, soul sister. xox
I let go (or I think so) of a toxic friendship. This friend has been there for me when I needed her and she has never belittled me but her behaviour the past 7 months has been very disappointing.
She supported me the first 2 weeks of a painful break up in october and then proceeded to completely ghost me for 7 months despite my attempts to contact her. She didn’t give any explanation and left my messages on read.
7 months later she contacted me with a semi apologetic text where she was more or less accusing me of lying to her about something in particular and that’s what triggered the ghosting… and then she realised her boyfriend had been the one lying all along and wanted to make things right by me.
I was so excited by her text and I called her right away (how naive…).
We talked for 2 hours where she was feeding me lies about her boyfriend being abusive and not knowing who to trust anymore.
I feel bad for not standing my ground, for not being firm and keeping the conversation under 3 minutes. I just wanted to hear what she had to say, I wanted to hear that she missed me and loved me and that everything will be like in the past.
And thus I didn’t tell her that her behaviour was unacceptable. That she should have at least told me she was taking time for herself and wouldn’t reply to my messages, especially when I was feeling so down at that time (I wasn’t even eating).
I think she tried some sort of hoovering. She immediately offered me to grab a drink with her the next day and then she talked about going together to Venice.
I was very confused and I had so many mixed emotions going on. My head was buzzing. It was a mix of:
– blaring red flags
– sadness at the knowledge that she didn’t really value my friendship but was probably bored/curious about my life/wanting the attention back
– wariness towards her lies
– satisfaction that she ended up being the one coming back instead of me
– hope that I could get a friend back
– excitement at the new opportunities (we used to have lots of fun)
And a ton of other feelings.
I haven’t been able to be totally honest with her and unfortunately I had shared too much with her over the phone. Shared my personal feelings about people who had let me down last year, feelings about my breakup and the fact that I hadn’t moved on etc. I know she could use it against me.
And when I said I hadn’t been honest with her I mean that I didn’t tell her that her behaviour had disappointed me so much I had no intention of becoming friends again.
I just said “bye” after 2 hours of chatting and when she said “we should catch up” I said “sure I’ll let you know”.
We hung up and it’s been a month without us talking.
I don’t know if she was hoovering me or if she was truly realising she had fucked things up and didn’t know how to deal with me.
But I know I can’t trust her and what she did to me (the 7 months ghosting) is too bad for me to consider resuming the friendship.
Deya,
I am so sorry you’ve had to be on the receiving end of this hurtful and nonsensical behavior. You are making the right choice by listening to what your intuition is telling you, having your own back, and ACTING accordingly in a dignified manner.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share. I have both been through something similar and, when I was very selfish, unhappy, and toxic, done similar to someone that I wish was alive so I could apologize to them. It haunts and hurts me every day. The best thing I can do is continue to try to be a better person every day and give what I wish I had so as to break these cycles of dysfunction and pain.
You are not alone, sister. All my love to you. xx
It’s been a really hard few days for me because I was feeling a lot of things posted on this blog. Confusion, shame, and guilt about cutting off what I thought was a friend to me. I did address the issue with them but not just the once because I felt like I was being dismissed. As it turns out, I should have trusted my gut feeling the many other times prior. Thank you for writing this blog. I saved a few of the mantras and comments to help me going forward. Like one of those self-affirmations people have on their desks at work or at home.
To the other commenters and readers who are experiencing the same, I wish you all the best.
You are not alone, J. I’m happy that this post and the comments helped; I went through something similar recently myself.
And what you wrote is *so true* – we should always trust our GUT!
Sending you love.
Thanks for sharing your stories everyone, it’s really helpful! I went through something similar 2 years ago. ( A bff of 10 years), I realised on her birthday, (I took her out for dinner) that she was putting me down a lot, in a way I felt sorry for her and didn’t want to bring it up with her. I tried seeing her less and less and we both kind of fizzled off communication with each other. I still feel guilty and wish I stood up for myself. I sometimes have a dream that we meet again and kind of patch things up but it isn’t the same. I feel bad because I never told her that I felt bullied by her, because I pitied her. What a strange conundrum to be in!
I try and reframe it as – walking away from her was the first time I stood up for myself. I learnt to enjoy my own company more, and realise I don’t need a bff, plenty of people don’t have bffs. I’ve made new friends but I have healthy boundaries and perhaps won’t even label someone as a bestie again and just enjoy friends company when I’m around them and take care of myself. What you wrote really resonated with me, especially the rumination! It is hard to let go, so I try reframing instead of indulging in rumination. My instinct was to not talk it out with her because we had grown apart and the thought of an intimate honest conversation with her was terrifying, plus I was expecting more rotten remarks from her. So I have to respect my instinct and not care what anyone else thinks. It’s almost two years to the date that I decided to give her a wide birth. I definitely think about it less! And feel better and mor regret- free. Some friendships last a lifetime, but people coming in and out of our lives is just one of those things. There is space now for ourselves and positive people. All the best x
Jane,
From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU SO MUCH for taking the time to share and by doing so, helping countless others (who may be too shy to comment) feel less alone in their loneliness, pain, and situation.
I agree with the way you reframed this, as I believe it to be in sync with the truth/reality. I totally understand what you mean about feeling bad for her though. That is nothing more than the incredible empathy you have.
I wish that I and everyone here had you as a friend. Trult.
“I try and reframe it as – walking away from her was the first time I stood up for myself. I learnt to enjoy my own company more, and realise I don’t need a bff, plenty of people don’t have bffs. I’ve made new friends but I have healthy boundaries and perhaps won’t even label someone as a bestie again and just enjoy friends company when I’m around them and take care of myself.” – COULD NOT AGREE WITH THIS MORE, Jane!
Thank you for connecting with me/my work. I live to give everything that I wish I had.
Thank you for shining your beautiful light on a very confusing and dark space.
Thank you for your love and support; thank you for being a part of this tribe.
Thank you for existing.
All my love to you, soul sister. Xx
The biggest struggle I am having after removing myself from a 20+ year toxic friendship is relieving my thoughts of her voice. Every decision I make, every thought I have feels clouded by her criticism and harsh words. I am trying to let go but it’s almost as though I’ve never known anything different and therefore don’t feel connected to my own experience. Unfortunately I’ve dealt with abuse from family and a prior relationship as well, so my brain has never known peace. I just want to feel safe in my thoughts and trust that I have everything I need to make thoughtful, clear decisions, already within me.
You are not alone, Brittany. I am going to write about this more.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for taking the time to share and by doing so, helping countless others feel less alone, ashamed, and hopeless. You are incredible.
All my love to you, soul sister. Xox
Love the fact that your helping people who are going through this. It’s such a relief that you understand. I have been in a toxic friendship now for 4 years and only just realised! I keep giving and giving and the person keeps pulling me close than ignoring me! Ignoring me for apparently doing things that I didn’t even know I had done. It’s very hard and it is destroying my confidence and bringing me down. I almost died in an accident recently and they told me to man up and get on with life rather than being there for me as a friend to listen! I have finally reached the final straw after giving so much to them for the past month and spending every day with them to help them organise an event and now iv been shoved to the side again now it’s over! It’s taken me 4 years to realise this but I guess you just have to grow from it!
Jenny,
First of all, I am so glad you survived the accident. Thank goodness you are okay <3
This sounds like a textbook "toxic friendship." Happy that the post helped and that you are realizing you deserve mutuality and reciprocation of everything that you give with all the love in your heart: respect, care, trust, loyalty, and empathy.
Thank you for being here, for taking the time to comment, and for being a part of this tribe,
You are not alone, sister. All my love to you. xox
The cycle never stopped with my new best friend. I loved him so much but one year later it’s become clear not only has it been toxic from the start, but I absorbed the toxicity myself and became toxic too. The mutual toxicity made it hard to let go. One moment we would be so happy, the next devastated. I found myself contemplating ending my life again, on a reoccurring basis to get away from my own feelings. But overtime I realized this intensity of emotion always came from him. Whether it be extreme happiness or absolute hopelessness, I found it hard to let go. I’m putting it on a 2 week pause but I feel like I know at the end I will be happier. And then I need to tell him I can’t fight for our friendship anymore. I wish I could tell him I’m sorry, but I know that I shouldn’t be sorry. I need to love myself first. And not loving myself is why I love him, because that’s how it is when you have all this love to give but can’t seem to give it to yourself. You find someone who is just as broken as you and try to love them as a cure – but it’s not. It is not the cure. They will never be happy. They will always be miserable unless they wanted to work on themselves in that way. They wear their frustration, anger, rudeness, and righteousness with pride. And think because they always turn around, even if it takes hours or days, that it’s enough. Suffering through the pain repeatedly isn’t worth the positives that come out of the friendship. I feel bad because I know my own toxicity infected him too. But we will be happier I think, in the long run, if we can let go. I will still see him and interact with him at work, but I’m losing a soulmate, a confidant, and someone who I really loved like no one else because I never felt so understood. But as time went on I realized he was more caught up in his own insecurities and that allowed him to misconstrue my feelings and intentions and not see the best in me. They made me feel bad about so many things but always apologized and then made me feel good. So it’s a conflict but I came to my two best friends as a child and they agreed that my mental health is more important. I thought being in dialectical behavioral therapy would solve my emotional reactivity. But I am only reacting poorly to toxic and negative behaviors – so why do I continue to subject myself to them? Because of love. Love is so powerful and it can build you up but also destroy you. And now that I know that I’ve been seeing this love destroy me over and over again I know it’s time to let go. I’m afraid of life without him. But I’m also afraid of continuing to spiral out of control on a near weekly basis because of his ways of being. It’s time to put myself first and love myself like I loved him. With forgiveness, compassion, understanding, and the encouragement that they could do better and be the best version of themselves. He could not get better and I cannot get better for as long as I devote my precious energy to him. I hope he finds that releasing the friendship will give him more time and space to work on himself. I want him to be happy, I want him to be healthy. I want him to have joy. But he has none of these things, and I have the ingredients to put them into my own life but I’ve spent most of my time trying to put them in his. I am so sad on one hand that it couldnt work out. But on the other I know we will be okay. I hope we will be okay.
Erica,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share (and by doing so, helping countless others who are too shy to comment/can’t find the words right now, feel less alone). This is what giving your pain a purpose is all about ♥️
What a light and inspiration you are. Your ability to self-reflect, employ self-compassion, and empathize will get you through this.
“It’s time to put myself first and love myself like I loved him. With forgiveness, compassion, understanding, and the encouragement that they could do better and be the best version of themselves. He could not get better and I cannot get better for as long as I devote my precious energy to him. I hope he finds that releasing the friendship will give him more time and space to work on himself. I want him to be happy, I want him to be healthy. I want him to have joy. But he has none of these things, and I have the ingredients to put them into my own life but I’ve spent most of my time trying to put them in his. I am so sad on one hand that it couldnt work out. But on the other I know we will be okay.” – AMEN, soul sister.
All my love to you. Xox
Thank you for this. I am currently trying to heal from toxic friendships I just removed myself from. I really trusted these women but I never went with my gut when there were signs they didn’t have my best interest. I felt powerless and anxious in these friendships as well. In one of these friendships she always wanted me to own up to something, but it was always one sided. I too am someone that believes it beneficial to talk things out especially with those I care about and want to make things work with. I can say that I have made many mistakes in friendships and have learned to take responsibility and work on what I need to. Communication in any relationship and our own ability to take responsibility when necessary can speak volumes. The last straw in the friendship I left was when she told me she could care less about my feelings, she didn’t want to hear them and they basically weren’t important. After speaking to a mutual friend she used the word “toxic” to describe her response and friendship. It just validated what I knew in my gut. It hurts, but I know I’ve made the right decision to walk away because there would always be a manipulative, emotionally invalidating and inability to look within themselves component in the dynamic. I am currently working on self love, improving myself asa whole and forgiveness towards these women.
Erin,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to share (and by doing so, helping countless others who are too shy or can’t find the words feel less alone). It sounds like you absolutely made the right decision to walk away. And WE are ALL so glad that you did.
Hitting our limit has led us to each other <3 All my love to you and Happy New Year to you and your loved ones. xx
I could use some help. I’m in the same situation as you were. I’ve been dealing with the same type of friend for 7 years and can’t let go. I’ve been trying to let her go since New Years, but our paths always cross. My last message was me asking if she hated me and she said sometimes she does because she thinks my other friends she works with don’t like her.
Well, a month later today (1-29-22) she sent me a message asking ideas about coffee. Can someone help me?
Hi Stephanie!
It’s humanely impossible for me to advise here in the comments (thank you so much for your kindness and your understanding ♥️ I wish I had the time and I would need to know more details about your personal situation). I will try my best to write more about the points and questions you bring up. Advising on all of these points requires a coaching session (I am NOT the type that’s, “I’ll only help if paid.” I give away so much for free). My coaching will open back up again in a few weeks. All my love to you xox You are not alone.
Thank you for being you and for being a part of this tribe.
As far as the info you provided, this does not sound like a healthy relationship. I would distance myself but again, I need to know more details.
Thanks for the reply. Let me provide some info
We’ve been friends for 7 years. We worked together for 4 years. I got transferred to another job site. We were very close then became very distant.
She became a mother and became closer to other friends and it pushed me away. I tried to always be a good and understanding person. I gave all my time and energy into this friendship. Every time I tried to express my feelings she used her children as an excuse. Most times she would leave my message on read or she’d “forget”
I became closer to another friend I worked with( she currently works with her). I don’t think she likes that. I felt the need to ask in December if she hated me and was told she sometimes does because of my other friends ( she works with) don’t like her( none have issues with her). Well, I asked if we could work on liking me and she never responded until a month later. She randomly asked me if I had any ideas on cold brew drinks at Dutch Bros. I haven’t responded.
I feel like I’m in a narcissist toxic friendship but I can’t let go. I know she’s a good person and wish she could better herself and be better to me but I don’t know what to do or how. Do I respond or leave her alone?
Hi Stephanie!
I’m not sure if you read all of my reply? 😖 I cannot directly advise in the comments, nor can I write about boundaries and not stick to them (I really appreciate your understanding). As I said, I would distance myself because this doesn’t sound healthy but I cannot advise in the comments.