“Why do I have no friends?” I’ve asked myself this countless times – even when I had friendships in my life. I always felt very lonely, misunderstood. I never like I had a friend who gave/was willing to give and do for me what I would always so willingly give/do at the drop of a dime.
I was the overzealous “how high?!” when any of my friends even HINTED at “jump.”
There are times in my life where I have felt more alone in friendships and romantic relationships than if I were to have been physically alone.
And that’s the thing about toxic friendships and relationships – they don’t ever prove to be anything more than a very temporary emotional pacifier. They are a bandage on cancer that ultimately, highlights the one thing they’re supposed to remedy: The “I have no friends,” “is it just me?” “am I the only one who feels this way?” loneliness.
I used to have a ton of friends. I had a contact list full of people I could call and social media profiles that proved to the world how BFF/maid of honor/bridesmaid/ride-or-die capable I was. I had plans every night of the week (for even the most mundane stuff) and I always had someone to talk to, listen to, or problem solve for.
I collected fake friendships because to me, they were badges of negation and exoneration.
1 part negation + 1 part exoneration soon became the gasoline that my emotional engine could not function without.
Because our relationships will always mirror the one that we have with ourselves, I had no choice but to rely on quantity. I assumed that a high volume of friends was a precursor to relational quality.
I used the high number of fake friendships I had collected to mind f*ck myself.
As I’ve said before, no one has ever mind f*cked, hurt, or screwed me over more than I have to myself. As long as I had all of these “friendships,” it validated that the problem was NEVER me – in my romantic relationships, business, familial relationships, and life.
I couldn’t attract a connected, empathetic, and mutual romantic relationship to save my life. But as long as I had a Rolodex full of “friendships,” it completely shut down the possibility of me ever being the problem. I mean… if I was capable of THIS MANY amazing friendships, I was clearly capable of being (and attracting) an amazing man.
There was a huge problem though…
Everything that these friendships seriously lacked, I was not only incapable of, but these incapabilities of mine were basic qualities that are essential to the kind of romantic relationship that I felt spoiled-brat entitled to.
Intimacy, empathy, connection, meaning… NONE of these existed in my friendships because they didn’t exist in the relationship that I had with myself.
This exoneration proved to be about as ridiculous as using my baby blanket as a comforter for my grown adult bed and then, complaining about the lack of warmth. I felt lost without my “binky” of emotionally vampiric, fake friends. I couldn’t do anything alone and felt worthless without a “friend” by my side. It was a bad look – but only to the right kind of people (the kind of people that I wanted to attract and be friends with). To the other sheep, I was a success. But all we were doing was following the follower.
Having a lot of girlfriends busied me up to the point where I didn’t have to deal with myself. I was always caught up in some drama, doing something lame, spending money I didn’t have or being someone’s on-call, “I’ll be right over!” therapist and cheerleader (never my own). This made me start to equate being needed with being wanted, which made me a magnet for toxic romantic relationships.
As I began to incur the cost of investing in the friendship masses, numbers and social media stats lost their luster. I was left with low quality, lackluster, zero-connection-but-please-tag-me-in-your-photo, fluff.
And at that moment I realized… “I have no friends.”
“The realest people don’t have a lot of friends” – Tupac
Today, I have no friends (I’ll explain).
I keep to myself MUCH more, but I have the most profound, mutual, and gratifying relationships that I never thought I could have.
Here’s how + why the “I have no friends” realization isn’t really that bad.
Here’s what I’ve learned about the “I have no friends” feeling/realization + why keeping your circle small is the only way to go:
Today, I have no friends.
I have a few close relationships in my life that are so meaningful to me, referring to these people as a “friend,” would be an insult at this point. They are the family that I have chosen for myself, the lights that amplify my own, and the mates that my soul has recognized from day one. How did I finally attract this level of quality? I learned to enjoy my own company. I stopped auditioning in my relationships, started connecting and soon… quantity started to give me an emotional gag reflex because I had already experienced the heaven of quality.
Of course, I have a lot of acquaintances in my life that I hang out with from time to time. These are people that I genuinely care about and enjoy. However, these relationships now have a more realistic place in my life. They aren’t my top priority because I’m no longer looking for volume to = meaning. I’m able to appreciate my acquaintance relationships on a zero-stress level because I have no expectations. There’s no longer this pressure to somehow grow a rose garden out of cement.
As your circle gets smaller, the quality of the ones in it exponentially increases.
If you’re thinking “I have no friends,” it’s because whatever friendships you’ve had/have lack meaning, connection and value. Tighten your circle, Even if it means that you are the only one in it for the time being. Stop watering dead plants (fake friends) and start watering you with YOU. Your health, new-found happiness and “so-this-is-what-real-friendship-feels-like,” future will thank you. Friendship is not a numbers game. It’s part of the JOY of being – not the bullsh*t/drama/never appreciated/MISERY of tolerating. I keep my circle very small, but the level of trust, joy, meaning, and connection makes me PROUD of that number, never ashamed.
What really matters in life.
If you’re in friendships where you feel undervalued, unappreciated, never truly understood, and taken advantage of… what the hell is the point? It took me having a serious health scare years ago, getting off my emotional ass and CREATING a life of my own to realize that I only have so much time and energy. I became very aware of who I was spending my time with, how it affected me, and where I was subsequently channeling my thoughts, beliefs, and actions.
You’ll attract soulmate-status relationships in your life when you surrender.
Surrender to the “I have no friends.” Surrender to your dysfunction, your patterns, and quietly observe it all until you’re so sick of it, you become more worried about staying on a treadmill going nowhere than you are of potentially falling, but finally being OFF.
Own it. Really feel every ounce of it and then realize this: You’ve been rolling with the most badass best friend all along: YOU. You are the only one who’s been with you through it ALL. And here you are… still right by your own side.
Once you start to enjoy your own company, don’t be surprised by the allergic reaction that others have to your evolution. I coach a billionaire and he is one of the loneliest people I know (except when he’s around other billionaires, which is few and far between). When you’re a billionaire, it’s hard for even your millionaire friends to be able to afford the things you like to do. So, everything is usually always on your dime.
When you become an emotional billionaire, you realize that engaging with the fake friendship masses is always going to be on your emotional dime. And just like that… It doesn’t seem so attractive any longer. Substance starts to outweigh meaningless numbers, likes, comments, and having Friday night plans that only highlight your loneliness.
If you’re thinking, “I have no friends” and you are working on loving yourself, having your own back, and obliterating stagnation through evolution, consider this…
I can’t tell you how many readers from all over the world have made the most incredible friendships on this site. All through the comments section below these posts and on my social media.
You are never alone. And if you ever find yourself surrounded by fake friends, guess what?…
There is someone, somewhere in the world, who is reading these very words right now. Someone who is just as giving and just as hungry for more. Someone whose soul can recognize yours.
You are not alone.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.
This couldn’t be more true. Having a close circle is the best. <3
🙂 Agreed! Love you sister! xoxo
This hits home for me on so many levels. The older I get, the more I realize how empty my relationships have been. Once I had my son, like magic people stopped wanting to hang out. The only people I could vibe with were “mom friends” but even then, the drama kept me away. As a result, I learned to love my own company. Call me crazy, but I prefer my own company nowadays. Less rushing out of the house late for a whatever it was I had planned….now I just leave when I’m ready and theres no need to strike up awkward conversations. It’s great
Isn’t having your own back and enjoying your own company incredible? So happy for and proud of you sis ???
Right! It’s so liberating and freeing. I prefer to be home, because I really do enjoy my own company. I also love hanging out with my kids and husband at home.
Reading this has given me much needed strength and inspiration at a time where I really need it. I have no friends and since losing my mother I have also lost friends, I questioned myself so often why ? From here on in I will give myself my loyalty and not to those that don’t appreciate it.
Sending you my love and blessings ??
My Dear Elizabeth,
You are not alone. I am your friend and I’m so incredibly sorry for the loss of your mother. My Mom has cancer and every day, I am so scared of getting bad news. Please know that your Mom is with you and rooting you on. You got this.
Yes, give *yourself* loyalty and please know that we are all here for and with you in this tribe.
I have only one friend and no family left. I find it so difficult to enjoy my own company and find it very lonely. I have lost friends over deaths with I just do not understand. It is almost like peop!e would rather support the dead than the living.
I feel you, Cindy. You are not alone here.
Thank you for sharing and for being a part of this tribe. It can be so lonely, I know.
All my love to you sister.
It’s been a while since we last spoke and I swear, this is too much of a sign that the universe delivers what you need exactly at the right time you need it. The other day I was wondering myself was it a bad thing that I don’t have a lot of friends like I use to do in my 20s, back in the days I had numerous of ” friens” that I could do whatever with them but connecting and bulding a long lasting, meaningful friendships. Then here comes your post, just right on time….
I hug you tight and send you lots of love from Switzerland. Just to let you know that even though we don’t speak much, you’re still there in my heart, my healer!
Annie! Hi soul sister 🙂 !! You are loved, missed and thought of so very often <3 I'm happy that this post helped. Thank you for allowing me to feel less alone in these emotions. You've got me for life and I can't wait to come visit. Please come to LA too! 🙂 All my love to you and the BIGGEST hug! xxxx
Wow! Yes. Small circles and letting go of friendships that no longer suit you. I’ve wasted too many years on “friends” because of our long term friendship only to realize it was dragging me downward.
YES! So happy that the post served you 🙂 Thanks Jen! XO
This was incredibly profound and beautifully written. At a very young age, I lost people who I thought were “my people”. When life handed me one, they were gone like the wind. So refreshing to read what has weighed on my heart and mind for sometime. Natasha, thank you for being my go-to.
Thank you so much Danielle <3 your comment made me tear up. You get it. Thank you so much for sharing. I truly thought I was alone in this for so long. You're incredible 🙂 Thanks for being YOU. XOX
I am 52 and have no friends presently because 6 months ago I was so fed up with the BS that I outright told them I didn’t want to associate, hang out,or be friends anymore. It was the ballsiest thing I’ve probably ever done and also so refreshing! I felt a huge burden off my shoulders and I was so proud of myself. One of the girls I dropped actually said to me she had never had anyone tell her” I don’t want to be friends with you anymore” and was impressed by my courage and honesty. This isn’t 6th grade. We are adults and it’s a difficult conversation to have with adult women but it is necessary if you want to end the BS for good. These girls, among others I have dropped in the last 5 years were NOT there for me. It was always about THEIR drama, THEIR pain, THEIR husbands and I became THEIR Therapist. I recently went through a bad divorce from a cheating Narcissistic man ( yes, there’s a pattern here with picking crappy people). None of my friends were there for me after my divorce when I needed support. I realized that not only was my Mother and Husband Narcissistic but MOST of my girlfriends as well. I knew then I needed to clean up the CRAP in my life and rediscover ME.
Thank you Natasha for this timely article and for letting me know It’s OK to be alone or even lonely at times so I can focus on moving forward. Choosing Values. I’m standing up for myself. Taking care of myself. Loving myself!
YES! You go girl 🙂 Thank YOU so much for sharing Kristin and for being a part of this tribe <3 You are such an inspiration! You're incredible. Sending BIG love and hugs your way. XOXO
I really relate to this! I’m always there for my friends. Whenever they have a problem they call or text me. If I have something happen and I need them they aren’t there. I get the feeling like I’m too much. They don’t ask how I’m doing, and now I’m afraid to tell them how I’m really doing and be honest if things aren’t okay. They don’t text me back anymore. I’m not texting anymore. I just want it to be over so I can move on.
You are not alone in this (or ever!) Holly. Thank you for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe. xx
Like someone said the timing is perfect. I’ve been down sizing everything in my life lately. Including friends and family members that drain the life out of me . These are people that think the world revolves around them. I would go on vacation with these so called friends I had at the time and never said anything. But, I always came home tried and literally needed a vacation from them. It only took me 51 years to finally stand up to them. At this point in my life I’d rather be alone then miserable with fake friends.
Could not agree more! 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing! You’re doing the right thing. I want to hug and high-five you simultaneously! XOXO
I’ve been reading your blog for a few years now and I’m never disappointed! I was googling articles about this topic and then I thought…go look on PMS….I bet she has an article about this very thing! And, here I am. This post was as amazing as all your others. Thank you ???
I’m in the pretty early stages of assessing friendships and other relationships in my life. This post was inspiring, but also difficult to read. I am struggling with this some. I’ve made the decision to end some friendships and sometimes I begin to second-guess myself and wonder if I made the right choices. My intuition tells me I have, but it’s uncomfortable right now. You touched on that a bit in the post.
My question is: do you have any other posts that discuss the “in the meantime,” where you’re walking through the uncomfortable parts and the lonely parts after making sound and smart decisions for your future better self and life? I wish there was a switch to flip that takes us from the endings to the happier days because we made good choices, but I know it doesn’t work that way (it’s not always or often instant relief).
Thank you so much for all of your writings! You’ve helped me many, many times during my struggles over the years to stay pushing forward.
Thank you so much for your love, support, and connection through the years 🙂 I’m so glad that the post was helpful.
I will try to write a post on that soon. What a great recommendation – thank you!
I am so happy and honored to help in any way. Making others feel less alone, giving our pain a purpose, and providing answers is what I live for. You are never alone. All my love to you soul sis. xx
Guilt and second-guessing is normal – it is not a signal to get back in touch. it’s a signal to take solace in the decision of kindly having your own back and keep going. Keep loving yourself. You got this – if I can do it, so can you. I believe in you.
Thank you so much for your reply!! ? And, I look forward to more posts and maybe even one regarding the stuff we discussed above. Thanks for for words of encouragement regarding the second-guessing. You’re such a gift!! ???
Natasha! you did it again!!! This post is just what’s been going on in my life. I found your website almost 2 years ago after I dumped my narcissistic ex and every post always has such important meaning to my life and led to my growth! I’ve ditched the relationsh*ts and friendsh*ts and have focused on myself, staying on the white horse. Through this evolution I’ve lost some people, but its been such a relief and weight off my shoulders, that I feel more abundance and peace in my life then feeling a lack of. Thank you so much for these posts! xoxo Sandy
Hi Sandy! First off, all of the gratitude goes to YOU <3 Thank you for being with me from the beginning. I can't put into words how much it means to me and how happy for and proud of you I am. You go girl.
Love to you soul sis 🙂 xoxo
Ugh, you are the friend I always wanted.
Never stop writing!!
You got me sister! 🙂 I’m the one who should be thanking YOU.
So glad that the post served you! Sending you so much love. XOXO
This is so inspiring! I am 25 years old and I’ve reached a point in my life where I no longer want to entertain toxic friendships and relationships. I have been working so hard to heal from the negativity and fear of losing others, and it is so empowering. It does get lonely at times but I have truly never been happier!
YAAAAA that’s what I like to hear! Thanks for sharing Anu 🙂 Sending you love. XOXO
I needed this post more then you know…. I just found out that the girl I was staying with that took me in while I was going through the break up was feeding information to my ex….. my most embarrassing moments, my crazy, my freak outs, he knows it all and told me and there is only one person who knew and that’s her. I feel betrayed and utterly heartbroken. It’s worse then my breakup with my ex. I need to be the girl that loves herself again the girl that doesn’t count friends or people or Facebook friends. Thank you for this Natasha I needed it.
I’m so sorry to hear about that Jacki. I know how you feel <3 You're loved, supported and believed in. So glad that the post helped 🙂 xoxo
This post really made me think about who I am choosing to keep in my life and if they bring value. I went through my phone and deleted anyone who hasn’t reached out to me this year (just in the past 7 months). Friends, family, exes… everyone in my phone was evaluated. I didn’t have a ton to begin with (because I am really particular about giving my number out) but I literally now have 25 contacts in my phone. And 7 of them are businesses (Dr’s, services, restaurants, etc). But by doing this I realize how alone I am and how loniless is the predominant feeling in my life right now. Maybe it’s what the universe is serving up for my growth at this time but sometimes I feel like I will never meet people who will understand, share the same interests/ideals/passions as me, or a people who find value in me the same way I find value in them. (Friends or partner). It just brings me down sometimes. Maybe some day i will be able to meet my “tribe”.
Anyway, I am pretty sure I have read all of your posts and they have made my life at least 1000% better because you have helped me take action in my life. Thank you. ?
Hi Amanda! I LOVE cleaning out my contacts 🙂 The universe is creating space for you <3 it's a good thing. I know it hurts and can be scary. You've got a tribe right here, supporting you every step of the way + a girlfriend and soul sister in me.
I'm honored to have helped and so proud of you Amanda. You go girl. XOXO
Wow Natasha, what a great topic to blog about. Amazed at how well you can articulate it. I’m always shocked at the guest lists for weddings! If i were to have a ceremony it would be 30 people maximum. I have always been an introvert and old soul person who has at the most only had 4 friends, one being my sister. I always thought dating would be difficult because of it. Perhaps he may think I’m not friendly or not nice. But as I get older I think others respect it more and more.
Never stop writing.
Hi Mari! LOL SAME. If I didn’t elope, I’d definitely keep it small 🙂 You’re so right; I couldn’t agree more. The RIGHT people respect it <3 I promise to never stop.
Can't tell you how much your love, support and sisterhood mean to me. Sending you big love. XOXO
I usually write a few words when I comment but this has been hard for me to comment on. Pretty much though, often you do write about what’s on my mind.
That Tupac quote is gold. I’m going to type it up and print it for my bedroom wall.
I think the mental ‘wellness’ we all seek is so tied to how we view relationships. I’m trying to give myself a time out at the moment. It’s almost a year since I lost my Mum. Now that was a relationship about unconditional and pure ?? love.
I moved to a new place this year and making connections takes time. I realise I’m not into fitting others’ expectations anymore – I really just want to be my most authentic self. So I’m friendly but taking my time, if that makes sense.
But that Tupac quote is quite profound. It reminds me of something my sweet mother told me when I was at school….that the first people who seemed to want to be my friend would not always turn out to be the right friends for me. ‘Take your time, just be you”.
Thanks Natasha. ?????? So much xxxx
I couldn’t agree more about taking your time <3 It's something that I didn't learn the importance of until a few years ago.
I'm so deeply sorry for your loss Lorelle <3 That relationship is the most unconditional and pure. My Mother has been battling cancer for the last year and a half. Whenever it gets hard, I'm going to think of you - your strength, all you've endured and your resilience. You are such a bright, healing and inspiring light Lorelle. I know how proud your Mother is of you and I thank you for shining her light, love and knowledge (that lives within you and always will), with us all 🙂
BIG love to you soul sister. xxxxx
Found this website last night and the penny finally dropped. He keeps initiating contact because he needs me to need him. And I don’t. And he knew that. And I AM strong enough without him, I can be happy without him/a man. &@£! me, I knew I was on the edge of something good, and this has given me the push I needed! 🙂
So happy to help!! 🙂 Thanks Stacey! XOXO
Natasha, I can attest to what you speak. I have no friends outside of my four grown children who are my kind of people, special friends. At 64, I have never been happier. I am open to friendships/relationships and also just fine without them. This has not been an easy place to arrive at but well worth it. It starts with acceptance and knowing that it’s not my or anyone else’s fault. It just is and it is good. Susan
Isn’t it the BEST?! 🙂 Thanks Susan! xoxo
I feel as though I’ve found a soul sister in you! Your writing is beautiful; so real, raw, witty, refreshing, powerful. You are making an amazing contribution, Natasha. So THANK YOU! I am inspired and hopeful once again. The universe is making space for me right now… I can feel it. Out with some friendsh*ts and hello to true connection. ?
Your beautiful message made me tear up ????????? Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your connection, love, support, sisterhood, and for being a part of this tribe. Love you soul sis. xx
I love going back and reading your old posts. You are so much more than a writter, you relate to so many people and I’m so thankful for you and your posts! I don’t know how you do it but you always motivate me and make me feel so much better.
I too have shitty “friends” who I always help and always listen to and the one time I actually asked for help not one of the 3 were there for me. This post helps me feel not as alone. Love you Natasha never stop doing what you’re doing!!??
This made me tear up. I appreciate you, I miss, you, I love you, and I cannot wait to meet in person. You are never alone. Let’s please catch up soon! XOX
Reading your words is the best medicine ever through difficult times.
You bring me always some kind of “normality” when I find myself feeling weird.
Thank you for everything you do. The variety of topics you cover is so anchored in the real, no bs world.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart Deborah. I see and feel you sister <3 it's what I live for.
Hoping that this finds you and your loved ones safe and healthy. All my love to you. xox
I can’t express how much this article has helped me. I’m losing my apartment, best friend, roommate and dog because of our toxic friendship. She’s the only meaningful relationship I have been able to build due to years of trauma and fear of getting hurt again. It’s a good thing for both of us to part ways and this article has helped me see that! 5 years ago I became estranged from my mother and that entire side of my family due to many many years of abuse and toxicity. My biological dad left when I was 1 so I’m not in contact with any of my relatives on his side either. My step dad and his family came into my life when I was 2 and have been my support group from day 1. Dad, aunt, grandma and grandpa. That’s it. Those are my people. I work as a hairstylist and live a very social professional life but inside I’m so alone. Coworkers have reached out to hang but I’m too scared of getting hurt again. It’s hard to look at my life right now and see that I am without my blood relatives and friendship. Any advice would be appreciated!
*I can’t* express how much you taking the time to share means to ME. I’m so happy that the post served you.
You’re not alone.
I wish I had the time to go into the kind of depth that I want to on here (thank you for your kindness and understanding). Focus on being everything you needed when you were younger and did not have; everything that you need now. As long as you have healthy boundaries protecting you, there is no need to be scared of getting hurt/abandoned because you have your best friend by your side: YOU. You are the only one who has been with you through everything. I wish I had a friend like you 🙂 Hopefully, one day, we can meet in person. All my love to you, sister. xox
I like this post. I don’t really have many friends, but I think you’re right we’ve made it into a numbers game which is really sort of ridiculous. When I look back at my life, I think it’s clear why I don’t have many friends at the moment. I just didn’t make choices that were conducive to having friends. I moved around a lot and focused on getting degrees in higher ed. It’s also the reason why I haven’t dated much. But, as you said, I’ve always had a friend in myself.
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment; it means everything to me. I can definitely relate to this as I have done the same throughout my life.
You definitely have a friend in yourself and you have a friend in me.
I live in Atlanta with zero friends and constantly failing romantic relationships. It feels like sheer hell most days. But I guess I’m not comfortable with myself and I rely on others to validate who i am.
I’ve definitely been there Mia. You are not alone. I hope that if I ever do an event in Atlanta, we can meet in person. All my love to you. xo
Hey Natasha! Good article!
This article brought tears to my eyes. For years I’ve felt this way and as I struggle though particularly trying issues in my life right now I feel more lonely than I ever have. I want to believe someday I can get to this place of peace. When your personal tele-coaching is available I am interested. Right now this is the motivation and voice I need. Thank you for this article.
Now I am in tears <3 Thanks, Julie. I can't wait to connect.
You are not alone. xox
Thx you. If 1:1 coaching is an option please reach out to me.
Make sure you’re subscribed to my email list. When a new blog post comes out, I will open coaching back up ♥️