My last big heartbreak was an epiphany breakup. I had hit such a breaking point and realized, after all these years, that no matter how different my exes appeared to be… I was continually involving myself with men who all possessed the common denominator of emotional unavailability. I also recognized my own emotional unavailability and began to see the patterns in my dating life, my decisions, reactions, and emotional triggers. Two major recurring questions were “why is he ignoring me all of a sudden?” and “why did he change?”
This was the first breakup I had gone through where after the breakup, instead of trying to get into the next relationship or make my ex jealous or cyberstalk him or do anything with ONLY the intention of him noticing/reacting, I took the route never traveled. This was the route that I had been putting off my whole life. I decided to deal with my pain, take accountability, and feel my feelings instead of trying to embarrassingly numb them. I began to deal with myself.
I started to realize that every single pain that I had ever felt was a direct result of a DECISION that I HAD made.
Can traumatic things happen that we have no control over? Yes, of course. But it is our decision to subscribe to a negative belief system, become a victim, and keep a filtered narrative alive that causes life-robbing pain.
It was hard to admit, but it was so empowering to finally understand and own. Taking accountability for my part in my own pain granted me the feeling of being back in control, self-sufficient instead of validation-dependent, and powerful.
It allowed me to see that I had essentially been telling everyone (and most importantly myself), that I had an unlucky cloud over my head and it was constantly raining. But in actuality, I was getting peed on and everyone with a brain cell could see it.
I kept complaining that I had a cat on my hands and I was upset because the cat was meowing and not barking. Cats are always going to meow.
I was the one who decided that it was raining; I was the one who decided that I was going to try to be “good enough” to make the cat (my emotionally unavailable boyfriend) bark.
I truly believed that I was finding great guys that had a lot to offer. And If it wasn’t for my flaws, problems, insecurities, that one time I freaked out, etc., I’d still be getting the same prince that I met at the beginning; the same guy that I knew was my soulmate. The guy that opened up to me; the one who everything made sense with, and the one I was comparing everyone else to.
So, what does any of this have to do with “why is he ignoring me all of a sudden?” and “why did he change?”
Let’s see if any of this is familiar:
- Any chivalry that once was, is gone. You feel like he’s not really “pursuing” you as much as he did in the beginning.
- You feel like every time you reach out to him, you’re bothering, disrupting, or interrupting him.
- You get a lot of excuses from him that are logical and make just enough sense to make you second guess every last detail of your behavior that could have triggered” him.
- He gets angry, annoyed, and seems like he’s on the brink of leaving you when you kindly bring up how much you miss him or when you ask something of him.
- You can sense and feel him pulling away from you even when he’s right next to you.
- He straight-up ignores you.
When a guy “changes” and ignores you all of a sudden, you have to understand that it will never make sense.
People don’t change. But over time, they reveal you they truly are.
There is nothing you could have done that would have so much clout, it could make your soulmate go from loving and respectful to unavailable and toxic.
Emotionally unavailable guys always start out by proving to you through their actions that they have the capacity to be everything that you ever wanted. They’ll talk about how they see a future with you, but never be consistent at following through.
When the relationship naturally goes to a new level or when it comes to a point where more is asked of him and he needs to be responsible, accountable, etc., he pulls the rug from under you by recoiling suddenly; without any explanation.
And because he knows that you are broken and validation hungry, he banks on the knowingness that you will view his withdrawal as something YOU must have caused by simply not being good enough. Once you’re at this point, he can pretty much do whatever he wants and just like that… everything is on his terms and you’re the doormat, once again.
There is no point in trying to make sense of, fix, and stick around for someone that is ignoring you, and lacks the decency and communication skills to explain why.
Realize that it doesn’t matter if this guy gets married tomorrow, dates for the rest of his life, or if he goes and becomes the most philanthropic man to ever grace the earth. He.will.always. be incapable of having a genuine emotional connection with anyone. Himself being first on that list.
Never make the decision to allow someone to be inconsistent. The second that you do, you translate to them (and everyone else) that you’re happy with the crumbs being thrown at you.
“Why is he ignoring me all of a sudden?” and “why did he change?” He’s avoidant and he didn’t change – you just caught onto a relational Ponzi scheme that he wasn’t expecting you to ever identify (and actually ACT on that identification).
Start treating yourself better so that you can raise your own bar. You got this.
Written by: Natasha Adamo