Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
After writing my last post on husband material, I got a lot of requests from my male readers to write a post on wife material – how to find it, attract it, and keep it. When I started to write, I realized that I was pretty much writing the same post (this is why I wrote in the husband material post that “my writing is for all genders and orientations so please, sub where you need to”).
Coaching clients all over the world and connecting with so many of you on social media and email has taught me that no matter what gender, relational dynamic, or orientation… it really is the same bullsh*t.
It’s the same pain, the same heartbreak, and the same fears and insecurities… just different body parts. Our emotions are what connect us all. They blur differences that are the source of a lot of unnecessary judgment and obnoxious reactivity.
I write from the perspective of a straight woman because I am one. It would be inauthentic of me to try and please everyone or to write from another angle, but what I write about is universally applicable.
A selfish, emotional bum is a selfish, emotional bum. No matter what gender they are… they’re lame.
A toxic relationship is toxic. No matter what the orientation or dynamic is… it’s unhealthy.
So for this post, I want to address my male readers and also, my female readers based on what I’ve been hearing from men.
While I’ve been writing my book, I have interviewed hundreds of men from all walks of life: professional athletes, single fathers, students, entrepreneurs, stockbrokers, artists, celebrities, retirees, you name it. One of them has had such a wild life, there is a movie based on his professional and sexual exploits. Some are married, others divorced, but the majority of them are single.
Over the last week, I called up a handful of them.
“How do you know when a woman is wife material?”
“What is it for you that separates one woman from the rest of the pack and puts her in a league of her own?”
I didn’t care about political correctness. I wanted real answers because what I was seeing online… “you’ll know she’s wife material if she likes to cook in lingerie and loves to watch sports!” wasn’t cutting it. Trash like this breeds misery. It makes everyone feel like they’re not being, getting, or worthy enough of it. Our relationships then become transactional performances instead of intimate connections.
And we wonder why we feel so insecure and unfulfilled.
After a few days, I was able to narrow the answers down to ten wife material qualities that these men shared with me.
I hope that in reading this list, ALL of you can get the affirmation to never settle and stop going for what will garner more high-fives from your friends, your family, your culture, or society than genuine fulfillment in your heart.
Choosing yourself over what checks the proverbial boxes and looks good on paper is a level of power, indifference, happiness, and freedom that most people will never have the courage to experience. Their fear won’t allow it.
Luckily for you and me, this is no longer our reality.
First, for the men…
I’m going to keep it simple since I went over a lot of this my last post.
How to find wife material: Yes, there needs to be a physical attraction but please, take my advice here and go for the woman you would never otherwise go for – whatever that may be (I am not just talking about physical appearance here). If you aren’t giving women the chance to become attractive (in the ways that time can never mess with), it’s likely that you aren’t giving yourself a chance to be liked for who you really are by the only person that will ever matter: YOU. If you don’t see it in yourself (because you embody it, not because you want to appear to embody it), we won’t be able to see it in you.
How to attract wife material: Embody what you are looking to attract. Also, make sure that the environment you’re fishing in is conducive to the shark you are after.
Stop fishing in ponds and then wondering why you never encounter a fellow shark. If you want a shark, make sure that you’re in the ocean. Stop thinking that you’re not good enough just because you can’t find a shark in a pond. Stop feeling depleted because you continually get used. You are a shark. A shark cannot survive in a pond and no matter how “good” it is, it will never find a fellow shark in a pond – only common fish that want a free ride. Get back in the ocean. Yes, it’s scary but the real sharks will respect your lack of delusion and be attracted to that level of confidence (not cockiness, there is a difference).
Don’t worry about the women who are only after one thing and make you feel terrible. Their shark fins are fake. Keep going. Wife material women respect ambitious men. I can’t tell you how many physical attributes I would usually notice right off the bat but didn’t notice (or care about) whatsoever because ambition and authenticity is so.much.sexier than winning a genetic lottery (which requires no intelligence, empathy, or effort).
How to keep wife material: Be consistent.
10 qualities that constitute wife material (according to men)
I want to be clear that this is not about being a good person. It’s about what is marriage-material attractive to men as far as romantic relationships go.
Here’s a summary of what the men I interviewed said…
- She doesn’t need me in any way. She wants me. That’s wife material. There’s nothing more attractive than a woman who isn’t afraid of being alone.
- She lets me chase her instead of chasing me and questioning my every move.
- She isn’t emasculating. And she feels comfortable being vulnerable with me. We support one each other.
- Even though I’m not exactly where I want to be in life, she can tell that I’m right where I need to be as far as emotional intelligence and maturity go. And she respects that and sees the value in it. She appreciates that I’ve done the work on myself and because of that, she knows that I will accomplish my goals. She wanted me, supported me, and believed in me when I had nothing.
- She has control over her emotions and because of this, is not a liability that I have to worry about in any way (in regard to having a lack of tact around people I care about). She is predictable where it matters (integrity, honesty, loyalty, character, etc.) and unpredictable where it’s fun (use your imagination).
- She isn’t emotionally or physically abusive and doesn’t get off to drama.
- Whether she’s with me or out with friends, everything she does says “I respect myself and I respect the man I am with.” She conducts herself respectfully on social media and isn’t thirsty for attention.
- She doesn’t play games but she always provides a mental challenge. I’m never bored. She’s comfortable in her own skin and can take my compliments instead of talking me out of them.
- She has her own life and because of that, has some grit to her. She isn’t cold, she’s just not afraid to take action.
- She is completely loyal and gives her all but I know that she WILL leave if the trust and loyalty are not reciprocated. That’s basically the difference between wife material and doormat/booty call material.
Bottom line, everything will turn around when you turn inward. When you stop looking for someone to fix you, rescue you, be your rock, and see in you what can’t see in yourself. Remember, you have the ability to choose how you want to live your life, how healthy you want to be mentally, and how you want to be treated.
And to the right man, that’s wife material.
For those looking for doormat material… they can keep walking.
Are you done with toxic relationships and ready to attract (and be attracted to) healthy relationships? Do you want to connect with others on a deeper level than the comments below? Click here to become an Emotional Mastery Member and learn more. If you’re looking for more personalized, one-on-one help, you can work directly with Natasha Adamo here.
Great post Natasha!
As with the women’s post, I also believe the person should stand up for her man and give him a safe sanctuary to go when he needs it.
But awesome advice for us guys still out here looking for our shark.
Thanks Jeff! ?
Totally agree jeff. Support is always a must in a good relationship…we got each other… we always have each other when life gets tough and we just need someone to talk to that loves us and appreciates us.
that’s husband and wife material for sure…in my humble opinion
Yes! I agree and think that the common denominator in these is respect and support. Just added it to be extra clear 🙂 xo
Thanks for sharing and affirming what I deep down know to be true. Have made a lot of progress and am trying not to be guided by fear!! Appreciate all of your inspiration every day ??? And if any of those single men are relationship material, feel free to send them my way ?
Hahah ? will do. So proud of you Jennifer. Miss you! xx
I love and really appreciate this post. There are a few things that the posts mentions that I need to work on. So that awareness is good.
I just hope that men understand some of us are tryinv it to figure it out and that we aren’t always super happy and confident all the time… sometimes I want to be able to tell you I’m scared and I want emotional support…hope that doesn’t make me weak.
We’re human …and will not always be supper strong all the time.
thanks for this awesome blog though. …hope to work with you one day when my financies improve.
much love
xx
Hi Keiwa!
I’m so glad 🙂 THANK YOU so much for bringing this up! I forgot the add a big one which was “she feels comfortable being vulnerable with me.” Just added it! Thanks so much.
Would love to work with (and also meet!) you one day soon.
Big love to you sis. xx
Absolutely amazing piece ! Always love soaking up your articles Thanks Natasha ???love lots and lots xxxxx
I’m so happy you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it ???? so much love right back to you Jules. xxxx
Love this. Especially love and laughed at #5. Really breaks through this notion that respect and loyalty aren’t “exciting.” I think that the hottest relationships occur when both parties understand their relationship is built on a foundation of character, integrity, and trust and are then free to go next level on the crazy-hot matrix.
Agreed ?????
What about the times when she cannot control her emotions or feelings. We as humans are messy. So to expect any of the partner to have control over their emotions all the time is not a fair ask. Even if you are overflowing you need a partner who shows up for you and does not consider you a liability. n a conscious relationship, there’s room to feel anything. Not only that, there’s room to express those feelings as well.
Hi Tasneem!
Yes, of course. I agree. This is not absolute and I don’t write on absolutes here on the blog. It didn’t say that there needs to be emotional control “100% of the time.” I would not publish something like that. Anything can be dissected or taken too literally. It is referring to emotional control in the sense that there is tact; there is a control over the emotions where others would blow up and it would fracture the foundation of the relationship or cause too much initial pain to communicate as clearly as both parties deserve.
I have to be really honest here, when I read this post I got a huge pit in my stomach. Especially the first three bullet points. I think it is really hard to be that person when your partner is insecure, or when they leave you in a place that is very insecure. These are some of the things I am still working through, especially walking away when someone is toxic and folding instead of continuing to be in a place where we will never move forward- but that is much easier said than done. My most recent relationship, I think I was all of those things but once we started getting more serious he left me in an ambiguous place, started being shady and in return, I tried to “figure” him out. I became insecure and chased him over and over. And then he dumped me for being too clingy. I dont know, I guess I am just writing my feelings but I think what is written above has been hard for me to achieve or I have encountered the wrong partners. But I have never been successful in finding a man that actually appreciates me being independent and making more $ than them.
Hi Anonymous!
I’m sorry that the post made you feel that way ?? Of course, there are exceptions to everything and anything can be dissected. I was writing from talking to men who are bringing to the table exactly what they are wanting in a partner. It wouldn’t make sense to write from the viewpoint of men who are insecure, not relationally ready/competent, empathetically bankrupt, narcissistic, manipulative, emotionally unavailable, etc.
I completely understand what you’re feeling and you are not alone. None of us are defective, we just have to make sure that we are in an environment that is conducive to getting what it is we want (and give).
I totally get this! I think that’s because he isn’t doing the work on himself. Many people men and women say they are doing the work but when you pause in your time away from the relationship and ask yourself where is the evidence of that work you cannot find it? They have the same wounds, they perhaps haven’t got the social life or hobbies they said they’d focus on for themselves or the health and you cannot do this for them. So for me I look at this list and think fair enough but I would walk away from a man who isn’t growing for himself because someone that doesn’t love himself is going to find it hard to continually love you ad you change and grow over time as well and that is marriage. You don’t swap in a 60year old version of your partner for a 30 or 40 year old version because you struggle to accept yourself as you grow yet lots of people do this. Self love and love is accepting yourself in all your forms and there will be many in a lifetime.
Natasha, like you mentioned on your husband material post, I would include social media dependence for females too. Since we live in a social media culture, which seems to only be growing, this is something that goes both ways. Otherwise great post, thank you !
Dave, thank YOU, SO MUCH for adding this.
I am very guilty of this myself!
I think that this was the gentle and kind mirror/reminder that I needed.
All my love and gratitude, Natasha.