If you’re reading this, you probably:

• Constantly worry they’re going to leave
• Need reassurance like you need oxygen
• Check your phone every 30 seconds waiting for their text
• Panic when they’re distant or pull away
• Feel like you’re “too much” but can’t help it
• Attract emotionally unavailable people like a magnet
• Obsessively analyze every word, text, and interaction
• Feel anxious 90% of the time in relationships
• Lose yourself completely trying to keep them close

Welcome to anxious attachment.

Here’s what nobody tells you: You’re not crazy. You’re not broken. You’re not “too needy.”

You have an anxious attachment style—a specific way your nervous system learned to seek connection and safety in relationships. And it’s running your love life like malware runs a computer.

The good news? Attachment styles aren’t permanent. They’re learned patterns, which means they can be unlearned.

Let me show you how.

What Is Anxious Attachment? (The Real Definition)

Anxious attachment (also called anxious-preoccupied attachment) is an insecure attachment style characterized by a deep fear of abandonment, constant need for reassurance, and a tendency to become overly dependent on romantic partners.

If you have anxious attachment, you:

• Crave intimacy intensely
• Worry excessively about your relationships
• Need frequent validation and reassurance
• Are hypervigilant to signs of rejection
• Protest loudly when your partner pulls away
• Feel like you can never get “enough” closeness

But here’s the cruel irony: The very behaviors you use to seek closeness (constant texting, emotional intensity, reassurance-seeking) push people away.

And the people you’re most attracted to? They’re usually the worst possible match for you.

The 4 Attachment Styles (And Where You Fit)

To understand anxious attachment, you need to understand all four attachment styles:

If you’re anxiously attached:

• You view yourself as “not enough” (low self-worth)
• You view others as “better than you” (pedestal them)
• You believe love = constant closeness and reassurance
• You think if someone truly loved you, they’d NEVER need space

The math that ruins your love life: Anxious (you) + Avoidant (them) = Toxic relationship that never works

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25 Signs You Have Anxious Attachment

Check how many of these resonate:

In Relationships:

☐ You need constant reassurance that they still love you

☐ You check your phone obsessively waiting for their reply

☐ When they pull away, you pursue harder (protest behavior)

☐ You overanalyze every text, word, and interaction

☐ You feel anxious 90% of the time when dating someone

☐ You’re always worried they’re going to leave

☐ You need to know where they are and what they’re doing

☐ You panic when they don’t text back within a “reasonable” time

☐ You sacrifice your needs to keep them happy

☐ You lose yourself completely in relationships

☐ You’re more attracted to them when they’re distant

☐ You have a hard time enjoying the relationship because you’re always waiting for it to end

Your Patterns:

☐ You’re attracted to emotionally unavailable people

☐ You mistake anxiety for chemistry (“They make me feel so alive!”)

☐ You stay in relationships way longer than you should

☐ You’ve been told you’re “too needy” or “too much”

☐ You have a history of one-sided relationships

☐ You struggle to be single (jump from relationship to relationship)

☐ You give more than you receive (and resent it)

☐ You apologize for things that aren’t your fault

☐ You’re always the one initiating plans, texts, conversations

☐ You ignore red flags because you’re terrified of being alone

Your Inner World:

☐ You feel like you’re never enough

☐ You believe if they really loved you, they’d want to be with you 24/7

☐ You’re terrified of abandonment

☐ You have a hard time trusting that someone actually loves you

☐ You feel rejected easily (even by small things)

If you checked 8+ of these, you definitely have anxious attachment.

If you checked 15+ of these, your anxious attachment is running your entire love life.

Where Anxious Attachment Comes From (It’s Not Your Fault)

Anxious attachment develops in childhood when your primary caregivers were inconsistent with love, attention, and emotional availability.

The Childhood Origins:

Your parents/caregivers were:

• Sometimes warm and loving, sometimes cold and distant (inconsistent)
• Emotionally available when THEY needed it, not when YOU needed it
• Loving but unpredictable (you never knew which version you’d get)
• Anxious themselves (passed down their attachment style)
• Loving but overwhelmed, stressed, or dealing with their own issues
• Intrusive (over-involved in your life but not emotionally attuned)

What you learned:

• Love is unpredictable
• You have to work hard for attention
• Your needs are too much
• If you’re “good enough,” maybe you’ll get consistent love
• Closeness = safety, distance = danger
• You can’t trust that love will be there tomorrow

The adaptation: Your nervous system learned to hyperactivate when connection felt threatened. You learned to:

• Monitor constantly for signs of rejection
• Protest loudly when connection breaks (crying, pleading, clinging)
• Amplify your emotions to get attention
• Chase harder when someone pulls away

This worked in childhood (sometimes it got you the attention you needed).

This doesn’t work in adult relationships (it pushes people away).

The Anxious-Avoidant Trap You Keep Falling Into

Here’s the cruel pattern:

You’re anxiously attached. You meet someone. They seem PERFECT. The chemistry is INTENSE. You’ve never felt this way before!

What you don’t realize: They’re avoidantly attached.

Your nervous system recognizes them immediately: Inconsistent. Unpredictable. Emotionally distant. Just like childhood.

Your brain thinks: “This feels familiar! This is what love feels like!”

Translation: You mistake anxiety for attraction.

They pull away → You pursue harder → They pull away more → You pursue harder → They leave → You’re devastated

Then you blame yourself: “If only I hadn’t been so needy, they would have stayed.”

Wrong. They were always going to leave because avoidants leave.

The problem isn’t that you’re “too much.” The problem is you keep choosing people who are incapable of giving you what you need.

Anxious Attachment vs. Secure Attachment: The Difference

Let’s look at how anxious vs. secure attachment shows up in relationships:

The difference? Secure people trust that love is stable. Anxious people believe love is conditional and must be earned.

The Anxious-Avoidant Dance (The Trap That Ruins Your Life)

This is THE most common (and toxic) pairing:

How It Starts:

You (anxious): Finally feel that intense “spark” you’ve been looking for!

Them (avoidant): Feel pursued and desired, which feels good initially

Both: Mistake intensity for compatibility

How It Progresses:

You: Start to crave more closeness, communication, reassurance

Them: Start to feel suffocated, pull away, become distant

You: Panic and pursue harder (texts, calls, “what’s wrong?”)

Them: Pull away further (need more space, become cold)

You: Protest behaviors intensify (emotional, desperate, clingy)

Them: Shut down completely or leave

You: Devastated. Blame yourself. “If only I hadn’t been so needy…”

Why This Pairing Is Addictive:

For you (anxious):

• Their distance triggers your attachment system
• You feel most “alive” when chasing someone
• The highs (when they come back) are INTENSE
• Their validation means everything because it’s so rare
• Familiar pattern from childhood (inconsistent love)

For them (avoidant):

• Your pursuit makes them feel desired (ego boost)
• They get closeness without commitment
• Can blame you for being “too much” (deflects from their issues)
• Your anxiety proves their belief that people are “suffocating”

The cruel truth: You’re giving each other exactly what you DON’T need.

You need consistency. They give you unpredictability.

They need space. You give them pursuit.

This pairing doesn’t “work itself out.” It destroys you both.

What Anxious Attachment Does to Your Life

In Relationships:

You become someone you don’t recognize:

• Constantly anxious and on edge
• Abandoning your boundaries
• Giving up hobbies, friends, yourself
• Accepting crumbs and calling it love
• Walking on eggshells
• Ignoring red flags

You tolerate the intolerable:

• Breadcrumbing
• Gaslighting
• Emotional unavailability
• Inconsistency
• Disrespect
• Being an option, not a priority

Why? Because leaving feels more terrifying than staying.

Outside Relationships:

Your entire life suffers:

• Can’t focus at work (constantly checking phone)
• Neglect friendships (they become secondary to romantic relationship)
• Lose your identity (become whatever they want)
• Physical symptoms (anxiety, insomnia, stomach issues)
• Mental health deteriorates (depression, anxiety disorders)

The cost of anxious attachment is always everything you can never afford to lose: your dignity, your peace, and yourself.

How to Heal Anxious Attachment (The 8-Step Process)

First, the hard truth: You can’t “fix” anxious attachment while in a relationship with an avoidant person.

It’s like trying to learn to swim while someone’s holding your head underwater.

You need to be single or with a secure partner to do this work.

Step 1: Understand Your Triggers

Anxious attachment is triggered by:

• Distance (physical or emotional)
• Inconsistency
• Lack of communication
• Perceived rejection
• Ambiguity in the relationship
• Your needs not being met

Create a trigger map:

When I feel [trigger], I respond with [behavior], because I believe [underlying belief].

Example: “When I feel them pulling away, I respond with constant texting, because I believe if I don’t stay connected, they’ll leave.”

Understanding your triggers is the first step to not being controlled by them.

Step 2: Learn to Self-Soothe (This Changes Everything)

The core issue of anxious attachment: You externalize your emotional regulation.

Translation: You need THEM to make you feel secure.

The solution: Learn to regulate your own nervous system.

When you feel anxious:

The 5-Minute Regulation Practice:

1. Name it: “I’m feeling anxious right now.”
2. Locate it: “Where do I feel this in my body?” (chest, stomach, throat)
3. Breathe into it: Box breathing (4 counts in, 4 hold, 4 out, 4 hold)
4. Reality check: “Am I in actual danger right now? Or am I having an anxious response to a perceived threat?”
5. Choose differently: “I don’t need to text them right now. I can sit with this discomfort.”

Other regulation techniques:

• Cold water on face (resets nervous system)
• Intense exercise (releases trapped energy)
• Bilateral stimulation (tapping, alternating sides)
• Grounding exercises (5-4-3-2-1 senses)
• Journaling the anxiety (externalizing it)

The goal: Prove to yourself that you can feel anxious and survive without seeking external reassurance.

Each time you self-soothe instead of seeking reassurance, you rewire your nervous system.

Step 3: Stop Protest Behaviors (Even Though Every Cell Wants To)

Protest behaviors are what you do when you feel the connection breaking:

• Excessive texting/calling
• Showing up unannounced
• Creating drama to get attention
• Emotional outbursts
• Threats to leave (that you don’t mean)
• Making them jealous
• Being passive-aggressive
• Demanding reassurance

These behaviors worked in childhood (sometimes got you attention).

They don’t work in adult relationships (push people away).

When you feel the urge to protest:

1. Pause. Don’t act on the impulse.
2. Identify the fear: “I’m afraid they’re leaving.”
3. Reality check: “Have they said they’re leaving? Or am I catastrophizing?”
4. Choose secure behavior: “I’m going to give them space and trust the connection.”

This feels IMPOSSIBLE at first. Do it anyway.

Each time you resist a protest behavior, you’re healing.

Step 4: Date Securely Attached People (Non-Negotiable)

You CANNOT heal anxious attachment while dating avoidants.

You can only heal while:

• Single (best option initially)
• Dating secure people (once you’re stable)

How to identify secure people:

They:

• Communicate clearly and consistently
• Don’t play games
• Make plans and follow through
• Are comfortable with intimacy AND independence
• Don’t pull away when things get close
• Address conflict directly
• Are emotionally available
• Match words with actions
• Make you feel safe, not anxious

The problem: Secure people might feel “boring” at first.

No drama. No chase. No intensity. Just… stability.

Your anxious attachment will say: “There’s no spark!”

The truth: You’re mistaking the absence of anxiety for the absence of attraction.

Give secure people a chance. The spark develops over time when built on safety, not anxiety.

Step 5: Practice Staying (When You Want to Chase)

Anxious attachment makes you chase when someone pulls away.

Secure attachment stays grounded.

When they’re distant:

Don’t: Text constantly, ask what’s wrong, try to fix it, pursue harder

Do: Continue with your life, maintain your plans, trust they’ll communicate

This feels like abandoning them. It’s not. It’s respecting their autonomy while maintaining your dignity.

When someone needs space:

Anxious response: “No! Let’s talk about this! What did I do wrong?”

Secure response: “Okay, how much space do you need? Let me know when you’re ready to reconnect.”

The difference? Secure people trust that space doesn’t mean the end.

Step 6: Build Your Own Life (Stop Making Them Your Life)

Anxious attachment makes relationships your entire identity.

Healing requires building a life you love independent of romantic relationship.

Your homework:

Weekly:

• 2-3 friend hangouts (without them)
• 1 hobby/interest unrelated to them
• 1 physical activity
• 1 self-care activity

Monthly:

• 1 solo adventure
• 1 new experience
• Progress on personal goal
• Therapy session

The goal: When someone texts, you’re genuinely busy doing something fulfilling, not sitting around waiting for them.

When your life is full, you stop accepting crumbs.

Step 7: Work on Your Self-Worth (The Root Cause)

Anxious attachment stems from believing you’re not enough.

Healing requires building self-worth independent of external validation.

Daily self-worth practice:

Morning: Write 3 things you like about yourself (not related to appearance or achievements)

Evening: Write 3 things you did well today (even tiny things count)

Weekly: List evidence that contradicts “I’m not enough”:

• Times you showed up for someone
• Challenges you overcame
• Skills you have
• Impact you’ve made
• Times you kept your word

The affirmation work:

Not: “I am enough” (anxious brain rejects this)

Instead: “I am learning that my worth doesn’t depend on their validation”

Stop:

• Apologizing for your needs
• Shrinking yourself to be “less”
• Accepting less than you deserve
• Deriving worth from being chosen

Start:

• Honoring your needs
• Taking up space unapologetically
• Requiring reciprocity
• Knowing you’re worthy whether they choose you or not

Step 8: Get Professional Help (This Isn’t Optional)

You cannot fully heal anxious attachment without professional support.

Therapy types that work:

• Attachment-based therapy
• EMDR (for trauma processing)
• Somatic therapy (nervous system regulation)
• CBT (thought pattern changing)
• IFS (Internal Family Systems)

What to look for in a therapist:

• Specializes in attachment theory
• Trauma-informed
• Helps you feel safe and grounded
• Doesn’t just “talk about” feelings but helps you regulate

How long it takes: 1-2 years of consistent work

It’s worth it. This pattern will ruin every relationship until you address it.

What Healed Anxious Attachment Looks Like

You’ll know you’re healing when:

• Someone pulling away doesn’t send you into panic
• You can sit with uncertainty without seeking reassurance
• You maintain your life/friends even when dating someone
• You walk away from inconsistency instead of trying to fix it
• Secure people feel attractive (not boring)
• You trust that if someone wants you, they’ll show it consistently
• You no longer apologize for having needs
• Space doesn’t feel like rejection
• You can self-soothe when triggered
• You choose yourself over keeping someone who’s wrong for you

You’ll know you’re secure when:

• Relationships feel calm, not chaotic
• You trust without needing constant proof
• You’re comfortable alone AND in partnership
• Your mood isn’t dictated by their mood
• You maintain boundaries even when scared of losing them
• You can communicate needs without anxiety
• You attract secure people consistently

Common Mistakes in Healing Anxious Attachment

Mistake #1: Trying to Heal While Dating an Avoidant

You can’t. Their behavior will constantly trigger your attachment system. You’ll spend all your energy managing anxiety instead of healing.

Mistake #2: Confusing Secure for Boring

Secure feels calm. Anxious feels exciting. But excitement = anxiety, and anxiety ≠ love.

Mistake #3: Expecting Overnight Change

Attachment patterns took years to form. Healing takes 1-2 years minimum. Be patient with yourself.

Mistake #4: Only Working on It Cognitively

Understanding anxious attachment intellectually doesn’t heal it. You must work somatically (body-based) and experientially.

Mistake #5: Going Back to Exes

“Maybe I can show them I’m less anxious now!” No. The dynamic is set. Start fresh.

Mistake #6: Abandoning the Work When You Feel Better

Healing isn’t linear. You’ll have setbacks. The work is ongoing.

Frequently Asked Questions About Anxious Attachment

Can anxious attachment be healed completely?

Yes, but it requires consistent work over 1-2+ years. You can move from anxious to secure, but old patterns may resurface under extreme stress. The difference is you’ll recognize them and have tools to regulate.

What percentage of people have anxious attachment?

Approximately 20% of the population. Women are slightly more likely to identify as anxious, though this may be due to socialization rather than biology.

Can two anxiously attached people make it work?

Rarely. Without an anchor of security, both people escalate each other’s anxiety. However, if both are actively healing and in therapy, it’s possible—but difficult.

Do anxiously attached people cheat?

Not typically. Anxiously attached people usually cling to one person. However, if they feel the relationship ending, they might line up someone new quickly (fear of being alone).

Can you be anxious in some relationships and secure in others?

Yes. If you’re with a secure partner, they can “pull” you toward secure. If you’re with an avoidant, they’ll trigger your anxious patterns.

Will I ever stop feeling anxious in relationships?

Yes, but only if you: (1) heal the underlying attachment wounds, (2) stop dating avoidants, (3) build self-worth independent of relationships.

How do I explain my anxious attachment to my partner?

If they’re secure: “I have anxious attachment, which means I sometimes need extra reassurance. I’m working on it in therapy, but it helps when you’re consistent and communicate clearly.”

If they’re avoidant: Don’t waste your breath. They can’t give you what you need anyway.

Is anxious attachment genetic?

Attachment style is about 50% genetic predisposition, 50% environment. You may have a genetic tendency toward anxiety, but attachment patterns are learned.

The Bottom Line: You’re Not Broken

Anxious attachment doesn’t mean you’re damaged, broken, or destined to be alone forever.

It means your nervous system learned a pattern in childhood that no longer serves you.

That pattern can be unlearned.

But not by:

• Finding the perfect partner who never triggers you (doesn’t exist)
• Trying to be “less needy” while dating avoidants (impossible)
• White-knuckling through anxiety (exhausting and ineffective)

Only by:

• Understanding where it comes from
• Learning to self-regulate
• Choosing secure people
• Building self-worth
• Getting professional help
• Doing the work consistently

The transformation is possible.

From anxiously waiting for texts → Confidently living your life

From panic when they pull away → Trust in the connection

From losing yourself → Maintaining yourself

From accepting crumbs → Requiring reciprocity

You can become securely attached.

But you have to do the work.

Your Next Step: Start Healing Today

If you’re ready to transform your anxious attachment:

My book Win Your Breakup: How To Be The One That Got Away includes comprehensive guidance on attachment patterns, breaking toxic cycles, and building self-worth.

If you need personalized support:

One-on-one coaching will help you identify your specific triggers, develop regulation skills, and create a personalized healing plan.

If you want community:

Join the Natasha Adamo Community for courses on attachment healing, nervous system regulation, and support from others on the same journey.

Most importantly:

Find a therapist who specializes in attachment work. This is the single most important investment you can make.

You are not too much.

You are not unlovable.

You are not destined to chase emotionally unavailable people forever.

You just need to heal the pattern.

And when you do?

You’ll attract secure love.

You’ll feel calm in relationships.

You’ll trust yourself and others.

You’ll finally feel safe.

The work starts now.

Written by: Natasha Adamo

If you’re looking for further and more specific help; if you’re tired of waiting to be chosen and ready to choose yourself, personalized coaching with Natasha Adamo is the answer. Book your one-on-one session today.

Related Articles You Must Read:

• Avoidant Attachment: Why They Pull Away When You Get Close
• Emotionally Unavailable Men: 15 Signs He Can’t Love You Back
• Why Am I Attracted to Toxic People? Breaking the Pattern
• Red Flags in a Relationship: 27 Warning Signs
• Trauma Bonding: Why You Can’t Leave
• How to Set Boundaries (Even When It’s Hard)
• Codependency: Signs & How to Overcome
• How to Love Yourself When You Hate Yourself

About Natasha Adamo

Natasha Adamo is a globally recognized self-help author, relationship expert, and motivational speaker. With over 2.5 million devoted blog readers and clients in thirty-one countries, she is a beacon of inspiration to many. Her debut bestseller, “Win Your Breakup”, offers a unique perspective on personal growth after breakups. Natasha’s mission is to empower individuals to develop healthier relationships and actualize their inherent potential.