In the past, I was very unsure of myself and because of this, was always wondering “does he like me?” in every relationship I was in. I was this way in my friendships, school life, and business relationships too. Where I stood with everyone in my life was always changing because I was always changing to accommodate and please them at the expense of a life that was officially no longer my own.
I had no idea who I was or what I was capable of. My worth was measured exclusively by validation and acceptance from others.
Desperation soon took over. I became hyper-paranoid/insecure/jealous, painfully aware of all of the wrong things, painfully unaware and blind to all of the red flags, and self-obsessed in the sense that everything was always my fault.
Why can’t this be easier?
Why do I have to even have to ask “does he like me?”
Isn’t it supposed to be easier?
Yes, it is.
I used to make a lot of excuses for:
- Selfish behavior from toxic, sh*tty people.
- The anxiety (essentially an allergic reaction) that I felt in their presence.
- Their mixed signals, cheating, disloyalty, and lies that I would always blame myself for “making them” do.
Throughout the years of writing here on the blog, coaching thousands of clients around the world, and reading all of your comments and emails, I’ve noticed that this is a common theme.
We make excuses for bullsh*t because it hurts more to fold with dignity (that we don’t know how to ignite) than it does seeing if we can be “good enough” to get the cat to bark. We take online quizzes and become obsessed with trying to figure out how much they like us. The more doom of black and white we sense, the more we try to convince ourselves that it’s just another shade of grey.
And after we’ve wasted even more time, we still continue to wonder, “does he like me?”
Allowing ambiguity to be your clarity is, essentially, spitting in the face of a universe that is giving you all the signs you need to protect yourself and move on.
It’s just as unintelligent as pulling “does he like me?” petals off a daisy and going with whatever you land on.
We try to complicate something that is very simple. In relationships of any kind, your gut will know the truth.
With that being said, our emotions, triggers, and hearts aren’t that simple. I still get confused and find myself getting caught up in wondering/obsessing over what’s going on. Although it’s not in romantic relationships and friendships anymore, I found myself doing this with a new business relationship last month.
If you’re wondering “does he like me?” here are 30 signs that he’s serious about you & your relationship…
1. You are prioritized and treated like the one and only person he has a romantic interest in – not a placeholding option in a pathetic rotation of thirst.
2. You never feel anxious or scared to express how you feel. Nor do you feel at risk of him recoiling, freaking out, ghosting you, judging you, or dumping you for respectfully communicating your feelings.
3. He doesn’t create drama or incite jealousy and then, shine an “aha!” spotlight on how “crazy” you’re being.
4. He doesn’t make you feel guilty for, nor does he try to negotiate your standards, limits, and boundaries down to nothing.
5. He doesn’t use your triggers and reactivity against you – he reassures you through words that match actions (that match patterns).
6. He doesn’t get off to triangulation. You don’t feel like you have to compete for his love and attention with his family members, friends, coworkers, and any exes from the past.
7. There is no selectivity in his love, support, and empathy.
8. He is consistently consistent.
9. He doesn’t future fake with you to get his needs met in the present moment. He future builds by backing up what he says with action.
10. He asks more about you than he goes on about himself.
11. He lets you know that he is off of all dating apps and would like it if you did the same.
12. He is more interested in being “a man” to you than “THE man” to his friends.
13. He’s the same guy with his family, as he is with his friends, as he is with YOU. There is one personality and set of values, not multiple.
14. He texts/calls you right when he can – there is no waiting, elementary game playing or carrot dangling.
15. Your boundaries don’t freak him out – they turn him on.
16. He doesn’t keep you a secret, flirt with other women, or seek attention from everyone and their sister.
17. Your relationship keeps progressing. It doesn’t start, stop, stall, or go into reverse.
18. He doesn’t treat you giving him a chance as though he will have multiple ones.
19. He handles any exes that may still be in the picture respectfully – by explaining that he’s with you and acting in accordance with that.
20. He makes plans with you in advance and is genuinely interested in your interests. You feel safe, valued, prioritized, and like anything but a last-minute decision.
21. He isn’t possessive and doesn’t make it all about him, nor does he ruin your time when you go out without him.
22. It doesn’t take you threatening to leave for him to admit he made a mistake.
23. He doesn’t blame the past or make excuses for his behavior (or anyone else’s).
24. He wants to be exclusive and is clear about what that means to him. There is no resisting you, your relationship, commitment, honesty, etc.
25. He’s never “too busy” to be in the relationship and he doesn’t get defensive when you have a concern.
27. There is no ambiguity. He’s not afraid to commit to your relationship, to making plans, and to following through.
28. He doesn’t kick you when you’re down or make you feel insecure after opening up to him.
29. He’d rather tell you the painful truth than pacify you with a lie.
30. He doesn’t use your past, your trauma, or anything that you’ve told him against you. He uses it to better understand and connect with you.
You will know that he genuinely likes and is interested in you because he will consistently show you how much he cares.
Some people really do want to meet you at the level of maturity and readiness that you’re at. But because they are a little leaguer who loved the idea of the majors and in reality, just can’t hang…
They’re initial enchantment and interest will turn into anger. And they will self-sabotage your relationship – not because of anything that you did (you believed in them), but because who you are highlights everything that they simply aren’t. They will end up resenting you for the very reasons that they fell for you.
And none of it will have anything to do with you.
YOU have everything to do with you and you deserve all the above + more.
+ If you need further and more personalized help, please look into working with me here.
Hello everyone, it’s me again. The guy I spoke about before on the previous blog, well I fell off my white horse and I’m in limbo again. Going back on forth on whether or not I should block him, if I should give him a heads up because, I mean he didn’t cheat on me or anything and to be fair he didn’t ask me to be his girlfriend…I guess I’m worried I’ll come across as mean if I go no contact without giving an explanation. He’s emotionally unavailable and I can’t emotionally connect with him. I try to give reasons for him not connecting emotionally but I end up sad. And he seems ok being on his own, whenever he texts me I feel like I’m just an afterthought and when I respond I feel worse. It’s been 5 months, no talk about being exclusive or any hopeful signs of emotional connection. Am I just someone for the moment?? I feel like I’m that forgettable
Fill yourself up with everything you’re not getting from him & when the right guy comes into your life – you won’t even have to question it Denise ?? Big Hugs xxxxxxx do not feel mean ! He’s making you feel shitty with his actions, think of yourself and your own high value ! His loss ? ?
Jules thank you so very much. It’s been difficult. I really appreciate your kind words??
YES!! Love and appreciate you Jules. xox
I think if anyone is making you feel like you don’t know where you stand, then it’s time to move on. Toxic people thrive off of our kindness, and take it for granted. I realized that a lot of the time I was putting up with behavior I didn’t like was because I didn’t want to be mean or hurt them. So I allowed things I didn’t want at the expense of my own feelings. Sometimes the person you most need to be kind to is yourself. Good luck and just know you got this!
So true Nikki ??
AGREED 🙂 LOVE YOU Nikki! Thanks for being you 🙂 xx
Hi Denise! I wouldn’t broadcast your intention to go no contact. It’s not being mean, this person has shown you over and over again that you are not a priority in their life. You honestly deserve sooooo much better. I think no contact is a great opportunity to begin the healing process, and to look at the reasons WHY you want someone so toxic and dysfunctional in your life. The truth can be confronting and painful to deal with, but it will help you break the pattern of settling for these assclowns and hoping for a different outcome to what’s inevitable. We have the opportunity to break our patterns…. these fucktards never will…. they’re destined to always have unhappy and toxic relationships.
I am still healing from my relationshit with my toxic ex. I know it’s a buzzword, but he was a narcissist and he displayed all the criteria of having NPD…. I knew something was very, very wrong, but his true self was revealed very, very slowly, and of course they are experts at giving breadcrumbs every now and again, just to keep you hooked.
I have only ever had healthy relationships, and I do early on remember thinking that real, intimate and connected love should never feel this hard and painful.
He discarded me in October and moved in with the new supply almost immediately. I thought I had gone no contact because we were no longer in direct contact, but I was still looking at his social media, almost daily. I found out last month that he is engaged to her, and that was when I realised that keeping ANY form of contact was sabotaging my healing. I had deleted his number a long time ago, but I reinstalled it and blocked it, then deleted it. He can never contact me again.
The last 4 weeks have really seen my healing accelerate. Yes, I still think of him, and I still mourn the loss of a relationship that was really only ever in my head. I thought he was almost perfect as well, but he was only ever mirroring my desires back to myself. Our relationship was not real. It was never love. He is a complete sham. I feel sorry for him, I feel sorry for his fiancée. I no longer feel sorry for myself, because I am really starting to thrive, and I am grateful for the experience.
Keep reading Natasha’s wonderful blog. I also found it helpful for my situation to research NPD because it made my situation clear, and it made me realise what I have been dealing with….
You can do this Denise. You need to break your addiction and go complete NO CONTACT. There’s a reason us survivors say over and over again that it’s the only way to purge them out of our life forever. Take it one day at a time, and if you haven’t already, start Natasha’s No Contact Contract.
Mai thank you so so much. Your story has given me hope and courage that I can do this. My body has gone no contact, but my heart and mind…?. They are still waiting for that text, email and phone call. Hell im secretly waiting for him to show up to my house , remorseful and talking about how he misses me and promising to change. It’s hard to come to terms with that never happening. Your kind words are so appreciated. I feel I’ll be living on this page a lot since I got “ kicked out of the home I built in our situation-ship” (against my better judgement) . Thank you for your patience, love , wisdom and understanding. I really need it in this time.
Awww Denise…. this tribe has your back! It takes a while for the heart to get in sync with the head…. cognitive dissonance is a real mind fuck! Understanding it, and in my situation, how trauma bonds are created and how to break them really helped my recovery.
Keep active, keep your mind busy, surround yourself with people that give you positive energy and that replace the chemicals you’re missing from this guy.
There’s no easy fix. I envy people who can walk away without a backward glance! I KNOW I’m in a much better place, but I’ll never be the same person I was before I met him….but with education and healing, we can become an even better version of ourselves.
We’re all here for you….
Love you Mai. Thank you for being here for us all and for just being you. xox
I love and appreciate you so much 🙂
You got this Denise!
I hope you know how many thousands of people you have not only helped (by having the courage to share your story and support Denise so genuinely and empathetically), but you have made feel less alone and capable in their innate ability to heal.
I have been in the exact same situation as you Mai. Years ago, I dated a guy who got married (5 weeks after leaving me) to the person he cheated on me with and it was soul-shattering. You are doing all of the right things to move on and heal – starting with helping others out of this maze that you know painfully well. So much love and respect for you sister. I hope that we can meet one day in person soon 🙂 xxx
You are anything but forgettable Denise <3 and you are not alone.
I am so happy and grateful to see the love, help, and support you've received 🙂
You definitely won't be coming across as mean. You will be coming across as confident in who you are, what you want, and what you will no longer tolerate.
Love you sister. I wish that I had the time to write more - I am so thankful to the other readers and to you for helping so many others who are hurting and too shy to comment. You are incredibly strong, very wise, and just as beautiful - inside and out.
You got this. xx
Natasha hi, I just read this post and as you know this is something I’ve asked myself for two months now with this guy I told you about. I was scared to read this post because I knew it would dissipate my fantasies and hopes?. He isn’t consistent Natasha ?, I don’t feel prioritized at all, I feel like just anyone and it hurts so so bad because I thought he was the one. He checked off almost everything on my list. I’m scared to move on or stand on my own because of the unknown and the fact that he would find someone else and be Prince Charming to her, giving her everything I wanted him to give me. I sent him a text this morning telling him I cannot do this anymore.. cos I felt mean just going no contact. Is some part of me hoping he’d fight my decision? YES! But there’s this part of me that says he’s gonna move on and not even respond to me( I’m terrified of this part) . I’m hurting at this point. I honestly truly thought I had found someone to build beautiful love with 🙁
Another amazing article ? I always feel empowered after reading your work Natasha! EVERY SINGLE TIME ! Love it ? hope you’re very well lovely lady xxx
AWWWW THANK YOU my sister. That’s the exact same way I feel after reading (and feeling <3) your feedback. Love you Jules!
What I hate to admit is that I have excused and put up with the complete opposite of everything on this list. From romantic partners, a physically abusive mother, friends, and at school and work too. But I am not a victim and I this post helped more than you know Natasha.
Natasha you have saved my life. I hope you know that you save lives with the work you do. God bless you. Everytime I go through a hard time I think what would Natasha do? And you are here with me in my heart always. I can’t wait for your book! I hope that you do an event in Sydney soon. You have many fans here. Xx
I am in tears. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Ashley. Happy that the post served you and honored to help in any way that I have/can. Always.
Thank you for putting yourself out there, taking the time to share, and for being a part of this tribe. Thank you for surviving your past, your pain, and yourself. Thank you for making us all feel so much less alone in ours.
I hope to do an event in Sydney when my book comes out! 🙂 xx
I’ve never commented before, but have read your blog religiously for awhile now. I always come away with so much validation and hope. I’ve been through the ringer with an emotionally unavailable man child…on and off for the last nearly 4 years. Always when I went to walk away from the relationship did he try to sucker me back in with promises of being everything I needed in a relationship. I panicked this last breakup when I tried to move on and do me–prioritize myself, not worry about his feelings since we were broken up–he found out I went on a date (we were broken up because he couldn’t commit to committing–and every time i tried to talk about anything serious he’d walk out of the room or the house and i was never allowed to discuss it again or else it would blow up into an argument about how i was crazy!) and he flipped out (his ego was majorly bruised) and instead of coming to me with changes he through everything that had ever gone wrong in my face (story of my childhood upbringing…my mom is like this) ….and I ran back to him, panicked that I screwed up, that maybe I was crazy and second guessed all my gut feelings, and have since layed out like a doormat hoping he could be what he promised. We’ve since gotten back together (six months later), but now it’s like I have to level back up to being treated like I’m a girlfriend… He’s hot and cold, doesn’t prioritize me, he prioritizes his “bros” and drinking some beers while watching a game (whatever game he can find), he blows off my texts and phone calls, he makes excuses for his behavior and when I open up about my feelings he’s called me needy and crazy. I’m honestly filled with such anxiety when I don’t hear from him and question myself and the relationship all the time. I started to blame myself, with thoughts that maybe I’m sabotaging everything for whatever reason, but the truth of it is, I know that I’m not. I want so desperately to be emotionally close to him and to move forward–we’ve never lived together, some reason or another has always come up as to why we can’t, we don’t talk about marriage, though I so much want that in my future. He’s 42 and I’m a 35 single mom of three. I’ve tried so hard to put myself first and my needs and those of my kids, but I just can’t let go of him. I tell myself if I just give him more space and time he’ll come around….this article hit my heart in such a way that even though it feels validating, it also hurts….why am i so stuck on not walking away….why is that so difficult? I know i am worth so much more.
Laura hi, I read your comment and I feel your pain. I know that panicky feeling all too well, you wonder if you made the right decision by having your back. Deep down your gut knows not to contact him, but your heart and mind are fighting it. Laura you deserve so much more , honestly, you may feel scared, like you’d never find anyone else but that’s not true. You will. Try to go no contact and focus your love and energy on your kids and yourself. It’s tough ?, I know but you’re safe here. One day you’ll find someone who checks off all the 30 things listed in this article and you’d have so much indifference towards this guy. He won’t even be able to touch the light that you are??. I’m going through my own heartbreak and mind-fuck as well atm, so I’m right here with you. You aren’t alone??
Thank you so much for this Denise. What will heal you more than anything is helping others out of the pain in which you suffer from and know all too well.
Now – PLEASE, read this beautiful reply that you wrote to Laura to a photo of yourself as a child. I love you Denise. xox
I think the first step is showing yourself that you know your worth with your actions. It’s really hard to rewire a lifetime of habits overnight. That’s why just getting up and leaving can be so hard sometimes it’s like trying to quit something cold-turkey. I think you have to start building up to it. Start spending more time with your kids, take up a fun hobby, check where your at with your career. When you refocus energy back into yourself, you are sending signals to your brain that you are important. That what you want is important. Once you start building yourself up, you will be able to walk away much easier.
This love and support mean more to me than I will ever be able to express in words <3
You are worth so.much.more and you’re not walking away because you’re human. It’s okay <3 Trauma bonds are real as is the fear of what comes next after you close this door. Keep coming back here to the blog and lean on us. You will eventually know that you have had enough and ACT on that knowingness. Until then and always... You are not alone. All my love to you soul sister. XOX
Hi Denise and Laura my heart really goes out to you both, I hope you don’t mind me replying – as I’ve been there I know those feelings. The way I would try to look at it even though it hurts like hell – is imaging him already moving on to a new bit of skirt that reluctantly appears & then knowing you would have to call it quits, that’s what those sorts of guys do. I was left questioning myself after several years of waiting around putting up with crumbs. All the time their toxicity is preventing us living and messes with our heads. Read Natasha’s articles they have helped me tenfold she’s a gifted lady with pearls of wisdom. Laura you mentioned you know deep down you deserve more, that is your inner guide / intuition telling you to end it. Yes it’s painful but they make your life more miserable being in it and to make a clean break and go no contact is the only remedy plus loving you and your life / children. Masses of love and hugs ? come here on this site every time you feel lonely or like you’re going to contact them or miss them. We are all here to help ??Xxxx
Jules thank you so very much. It’s so confusing and painful at this time. I fear that I’ve already been replaced and that he’s happier now. ?. Like Mai said above I think I’m still keeping contact by waiting for a text or checking my email to see if he’s replied. Right now there’s complete silence on his end and I’m here feeling like maybe I made a mistake or I acted too quickly ?. But then again I wasn’t being treated the way I wanted to be treated. I wish I was already indifferent about the whole thing.Laura deserves better, so do I . Why !?! Why!?? Can’t they just act right ?
Because they’re Assclowns Denise! They only focus on THEIR needs and wants. They don’t have the emotional maturity to have a relationship based on mutual love and respect. They only see in black and white, good or bad, they never experience the depth of colour that involves a truly mutual connection. They game play, they idealise, they experience disappointment when we can never be the person they projected us to be. They get disillusioned, bored, and they ultimately disengage when we have become “malfunctioning”.
This sort of relationship is soul destroying and crushing. We are already being devalued by these types…. we don’t need to add our own heartbreak to this toxic mess.
Every person deserves to have these 30 signs met. These are signs of a healthy, stable relationship and they go BOTH ways. These are signs that there is something stable to build a relationship on, and to proceed.
Accept anything less, and we do an in service to our beautiful, authentic selves.
And while we’re accepting less, we are missing out on our own growth and the opportunity to be available to someone that DESERVES us!
I’ve been replaced, and I dare say he actually is happier right now. And good luck to that because my happiness is no longer tied in ANY way with his, and it never should have been.
I can’t help or save him…. I can only do this for myself….
Big hugs Denise….
Oh Mai, thank you, I keep saying thank you but you literally have no idea how grateful I am. I heard from my mom that he’s been flirty with some new interns at work. And I haven’t heard from him. I’m hurt and numb, I haven’t cried , I’m not sad( or I dunno if I am or not) at this point I feel my emotions are broken. But seeing this comment provides comfort for my heart. Mai, thank you so much. I pray you find such bliss that you won’t believe how lucky and happy you are???????
Mai – this is 1000% true and I agree with everything you said!
Denise – you deserve better for sure! He is from what it sounds like a very emotionally unstable and selfish guy. You can bend over backwards and do everything perfect and he will still pull the same shit over and over… no matter who he is with. Let yourself and your heart off the hook hon. This isn’t about you, its about him and his issues. You are worth so much more than waiting around for him and deep down inside I think you know this. These guys are the hardest to get over … believe me I know and I have been where you are and as Mai said these guys can be toxic and soul crushing. He was already this person before you were with him and will continue to be with the next person. Don’t be fooled by the crap on social media. Nothing is ever as it seems.
Sending lots of hugs and nothing but love your way sister. We are all here for you!!
STAY ON YOUR WHITE HORSE and don’t let him see that he broke you… EVER.
I/we have missed you! 🙂 YES! I agree with everything you and Mai have said.
Love and miss you my dear <3 #whitehorsewarriors
Also - my Mom sends her love to you and your family. Love you!
Hi Vicky, thank you so so much. I know it’s his issues, deep down I swear I do, it’s just that when it happens and he doesn’t even try or care to make it right, it hurts and sometimes I find myself blaming myself. Last night I was in bed alone , just numb from all the heartache and a thought came to mind; he’s probably out with a new girl and I’m here, sad about the whole situation ?. But I just felt the pain and went to bed. Waking up and reading these beautiful comments made me feel better. Thank you so much??
I want to high-5 you, hug you, and never let go. I could not have said it ANY better 🙂 Thank you thank you. XOX
Natasha, you are an incredibly special person and I CHERISH your blog and the tribe that has been created because of it. We think we are linked to these fucktards, bonded to them, and they hold a power over us. Now I have broken free, I see clearly that what is real, and pure are the ties I have with this tribe, my loved ones, and myself.
I’m so sorry you experienced that. I am so honoured that you shared that with me. It is so painful to realise that the love and respect we gave was not reciprocated. But it shows me that we have light, and love and energy that is available to the people that DO value us, and most importantly, to ourselves.
I’m looking forward to being able to give you a big hug in person….. you, and our tribe has immeasurably helped my process. I am so grateful.
This is what I live for. All I wanted was to create a space that I wish I had when I was at my absolute lowest. And this space would be nothing without YOU… and this entire tribe’s connection, inclusion, love, support, and willingness to help each other through what we are going through/have survived.
Love you Mai <3 Thank you.
If you are on Instagram, please DM me. If not, please give me permission to email you. xxx
NONE of us remind you replying Jules! <3
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish that I had the time to respond in this kind of depth - I appreciate and love you endlessly.
Your advice helped me with something I'm currently going through (although not in a romantic relationship, it REALLY resonated). Thank you. Just thank you. XOX
Love you more Natasha !?? I’m made up I’ve been able to help you too, as you have helped me become the strongest version of myself. Your site / work is amazing and it’s a blessing how you’ve brought comfort to so many of us which is why it comes back to you in spades ! God bless you have a fantastic weekend xxxxx
I am speechless. Thank you from the bottom of my heart sis. Love you – and you too my dear friend. Hope that you have a weekend as beautiful as you are. xxx
Mai, ??Vicky,?? Natasha ??and Jules??. I am so overwhelmed by the love and support, honestly, even though I’m still hurt and confused , it’s not as maddening as the last breakup, cos all your kind words and support broke my fall this time. I honestly wish I could send each of u a bunch of flowers, even that won’t be enough to express my gratitude and love. Sisters thank you from the bottom of my heart. For being brave to share your stories and picking me up at my low point. Even though I’m hurting I’ll continue to be here for anyone else who needs support. Thank you all ??
Awww this made me tear up.
We will all meet one day <3 I know it.
You are NOT alone in this Denise and we are all behind you 100%.
Thank YOU for helping others who are going through this too 🙂 It is the best way to heal. Love you xox
I love a dramatic ending. I even think it’s brave, the way a writer turns it up at the end, fulfilling the piece with some dashing new information. Generally said, but this time the last bit of the post really hit me: Their feelings for you turn into anger. This is epic, Natasha. I’ve been reading some old posts lately. They are all connected, the new ones, the old ones, like a web! They are so to say a code system. To get into the PMS framework, and I smile as I write this, is to simplify your life: DECODED. Even a tag in this blog. Hope I made any sense. I am glad women and men out there get to see this. We appreciate the growing well of life hacking without commenting ?
Awww I love you Aquilina <3 Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I wish I could put into words what this meant and you mean to me 🙂 xx