Knowing how to be happy again after a breakup of any kind is tough enough. Being cheated on turns happiness into something you feel like you can’t trust and will never be able to experience again.
After a betrayal, you don’t want to know how to be happy again. Happiness now equals a kind of anxiety that is so crippling and investigation-igniting, you avoid it while also yearning for it. You wish you could feel it the way you did before everything fell apart. The things that should make you happy, now bring out the worst in you. You don’t know how to be happy again and you’ve surrendered to the belief that you never will be.
There’s no set definition of what cheating means and it doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships. Although I write from female perspective, everyone of every gender and orientation cheats. I’ve cheated before in many different ways in my life and I’ve been cheated on – in romantic relationships, friendships, business relationships, and in school. Everyone is different. We all have our own limits and personal definition of cheating.
Years ago, I dated a guy who I was so in love with but never felt like I fully “had” if that makes sense. One night, I didn’t hear from him and my gut just knew. When I asked him the next day if he had cheated on me, he said yes. He broke down and apologized profusely. At that moment, my entire world was turned upside down and destroyed. I didn’t know how to be happy again. I was in emotional shock.
I had no idea who I was anymore and no idea who I had been dating. I felt so ashamed, rejected, and ugly, but I was paralyzed in the love I had for him and couldn’t imagine not being together. It was almost as if finding this out and hearing how sorry he was made me even more of a cling-on.
So, instead of flushing and moving on, I started to take the worst kind of inventory. I went over every moment, every second, every time where he went out and didn’t text or call. I thought about all the times that I was busy with school and he made other plans. My mind was racing. I needed to slow down and digest what was happening.
After only 2 days of not talking, he called. “I need to see you. Please.” When I met up with him, he looked like a shell of the man I knew. And in a way it made me feel better that he looked so terrible. We sat down and he said everything that I ever wanted to hear. He opened up in ways that he never had before. I was shocked.
He promised me that it would be different this time, that it would never happen again and he even explained to me what led him to cheat. Multiple times.
There was a part of my 21-year-old heart that was relieved to know I wasn’t crazy and that my gut had connected the dots correctly.
There was also a part of me that respected his honesty. He could have easily said that he had just cheated that one time.
But then, there was this part of me that shattered. It hurt too much to acknowledge. This was the part of me that had been shot down. I under-the-rug brushed that part and promised myself that I’d get to it later once things calmed down.
He wanted to get back together. And guess what? I was that desperate and we did. We dated for another 5 months. I thought I had figured out how to be happy again but happiness had taken on a whole new definition – misery.
On the outside, we looked like the happiest, most perfect couple. On the inside… Every hour of every day, I needed to know where he was. I needed all of the proverbial and literal receipts. I needed to know the how’s and the why’s and the who’s and the what for. My lowest and most embarrassing point was when I texted him asking for photographic proof of where he was.
I hated who I had become – the worst kind of parole officer/manager/checker-upper nightmare ever.
It was terrible. I wanted to get attention from other men as a way of getting back at him for what he had done and destroyed but I didn’t. Keeping up with his every move was making me neglect myself.
I wanted to kill myself and in the process of that hopelessness, I ended up committing emotional and relational suicide.
HE finally broke up with ME because he couldn’t take the insanity any longer. I was twice as broken.
As bad as that was, what felt like even more of a betrayal was when I dated another guy who flirted with other women – both in-person (which he would brag to me about) and online for everyone to see. He did this while I was going through one of the worst times in my life. I feel like certain life circumstances, especially death, diagnosis, and crisis, will bring out even momentary humanity in the most unavailable and selfish people. When I confronted him with the proof I had on social media and reminded him of the times that he directly and pathetically tried to make me jealous, he owned up to it all, apologized, and assured me that when he had gone out, he always acted respectfully.
This actually hurt more. It was more of an intelligence insult and betrayal than the other one. At least the other one was direct and when asked, opened up about more transgressions even though it came with the risk of losing me completely. Not only had this one humiliated me in such a public way for everyone to see, but he maintained the stance of acting respectfully when he went out, despite disrespecting me at the very same time on social media during the most difficult time of my life.
You can’t have the capacity to be that disrespectful in one area and THAT put together/respectful in another.
I never knew if he physically hooked up with anyone else but to me, that was the worst I have ever been cheated on. My life circumstances surrounding his behavior and the fact that at that time, I had no one and he knew what I was going through… It was just cruel and inhumane.
Bottom line, you won’t know how to find happiness again if you don’t remember this: Any feelings that you have surrounding a betrayal are valid. It’s okay to refer to a betrayal of any kind as cheating. Just because he/she didn’t sleep with someone else, don’t ever feel guilty for viewing it as cheating.
“You will figure out how to be happy again. You WILL be happy again Natasha. And aren’t you so glad you dodged the bullets?”
I didn’t feel like I dodged any bullets. I was shot with them and a part of me died as a result. Once you’ve been betrayed on that kind of level, you never fully resurrect. I am definitely smarter and more evolved/aware as a result, but the part of me that was shot down is still traumatized.
I allow that part to Rest In Peace and am able to now deactivate it when triggered.
When I look back, I can see my part in most of the times that I’ve been cheated on in one way or another.
While you can provide an environment for someone to feel a certain way and possibly want to cheat, you can’t take credit for “making them do it.” The fact that they had the capacity to carry out that behavior (and not communicate how they felt or break up with you), is a capacity that existed long before you came into the picture.
The times that I got cheated on where I did nothing but unconditionally love and give… those instances hurt the most because they were nonsensical. It’s like two drunk drivers getting into an accident versus one drunk driver hitting a sober person who was obeying all the laws.
With every relationship I have and every new one that I make, I keep my experiences with betrayal close by. It allows me to listen to my gut and have the courage to act on red flags.
I’m sure that in some way, I’ll get cheated on again at some point in my life. The thought of it no longer scares me though.
If you keep thinking, “I want to be happy again,” here’s what you need to keep in mind…
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Get real about what your definition of cheating is and stand by it.
To each their own here but my best advice is to keep it as black and white as possible. Stop greying up everything and handing out passes and benefits of the doubt for “special circumstances.” Go with your gut. My thoughts are very simple when it comes to this: If I am in a monogamous, mutual and loving relationship, I don’t ever hook up with anyone but that person because I don’t want to. If I do want to, then I’ll communicate my feelings, break the relationship off, or let those feelings be – and pass – before I would ever cheat. That’s it. When it’s that simple, there really are no mistakes to be made – Only intentional, selfish actions that will shoot good people down to their emotional death if you pull that trigger.
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“The truth shall set you free.”
I learned how to find happiness again when I realized that it wasn’t my fault.
It wasn’t because I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough; that I didn’t love him enough, was too clingy, didn’t give him space, or whatever the excuses were. It was because he was a sh*tty person who deserved another sh*tty person.
I would personally never get drunk and decide to kick a dog. There are people in this world that if they got drunk enough, would kick a dog. Remember this of you were cheated on in any way: You may have been the “alcohol,” but the capacity to kick the relational dog and actually carry out that action was there long before you. It has existed within this person for a long, long time. And it’s not your problem.
Just say no to pathetic relational dog kickers. JUST LIKE you would say no to literal ones.
Believing that it really had nothing to do with me was very hard. I felt like I knew this man so well and because of that, refused to believe that he could do what he did. It was so much easier to blame my perceived lack of value and hang onto all.those.times he said that I was “The One.”
Keep your head high, stay on your white horse and remember that you didn’t make him/her kick the dog.
For anyone to withhold communicating their feelings, engage in deception, and cheat, they have to feel extremely low and very insecure. They also have to be very selfish. These are qualities that should not turn you on.
Lastly, don’t judge those who want to work through infidelity with their partner. You never know what goes on behind closed doors or what people’s situations are. Everyone’s situation is unique. I personally could not work through it but I would never judge anyone for what they wanted to do.
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Just give.
We all have our own insecurities and we are all trying to do the best we can to survive. If you want to know the fastest way to being happy again, help someone out of the pain that you’re going through and hold onto the good that you DO have, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. I reconnected with an old friend that I took for granted. It felt good to focus on that.
And because I didn’t know anyone who needed help, I created this blog to see if I was as alone as I felt.
Share your experiences here. Help and advise others in need and I promise you, it will help because it will give your pain a purpose.
Sharing in this community together makes us a tribe. It gives our heartbreak meaning and allows us to use the relational educations we have acquired to help each other out of the dark.
This is what makes us human and that light of humanity will always drown out the darkness of betrayal.
Knowing how to find happiness again is about knowing where you’re NOT going to ever find it. It’s about putting an end to seeking approval from toxic people.
Happiness isn’t about money, looks, politics, religion, or status. It’s about you and me. It’s about how our pain connects us in ways that affirm we are indeed healers, saviors, and soul mates – to ourselves and each other.
x Natasha
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationships, please look into working with me here.
Thank you so much for putting this website together and spreading the knowledge. Your words are so positive, powerful and eye opening. I recently discovered my husband’s affair and it is brutal. You are the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you again and please keep this blog alive for years to come!
Rose,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are not alone <3 The gratitude and appreciation are so mutual. Thank you for being a part of this tribe.
Love you Rose. xox
First..Rose I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and the pain that it brings. I have been there and can tell you that you go from taking it minute by minute, just wanting to breathe again… to moving through the healing process where eventually you do come out the other side.. but not without some grueling painful work.
Natasha.. (we actually spoke on the phone the other day) your words continue to bring guidance, strength and comfort. I left a marriage over 10 years ago due to several reasons but infidelity/lying being one. Now, I just left an 8 year relationship where lying then cheating became the norm and I always accepted the excuses.. I have come to a point where if I have to teach someone the basics of what being a decent human being is, or waiting around for a grown man to figure it out.. well then I dont want them in my life on any level. I am still healing from the pain and heartbreak but can also see my own actions and choose to focus on learning why I hung in there for so long when his actions continually showed me who he was.
Grateful for this blog and for the people in this community!
Judy!
I love to see this kind of love and support <3 Thank you.
It's so great to see you here 🙂 I agree with you about not waiting around and putting the focus back on your beautiful self. I appreciate you and hope to give you a big hug in person one day soon.
Love you soul sister. xox
Thank you for your posts! I recently found out that my bf of 6 yrs had been cheating on me with 2 women for half of our relationship. I have tried to stick it out for almost a year now but I am finding it so hard to get over or forgive. I hate him for what he did to me and it has been next to impossible to truly let it go. I am having trouble and needed some encouraging words. Thank you.
Staci
Hot Springs, Arkansas
Happy that the posts helped!! 🙂 Thank you for being a part of this tribe Staci. You are never, ever alone. xox
Wow oh wow did I need this post more than ever. Yesterday, I sobbed all day because negative thoughts of self doubt and blame overwhelmed my mind. I convinced myself (like I do at least once a week unfortunately) that the lying, betrayal, and cheating was MY FAULT. I kept rethinking how I could have done things differently, but didn’t. How my gut was telling me the way he’s treating me isn’t okay, but decided to ignore it because he’s a “great guy”. I even thought about APOLOGIZING to him for ever fight and mistake I’ve ever made. That’s how screwed up my mind is.
I eventually got myself out of the house to go to a Halloween party and boy was that difficult. Not only was I surrounded by couples in adorable matching costumes, but I couldn’t stop thinking about this time last year where we were that cute couple in the matching costume everyone loved. How in love we were this time last year and now it’s all gone. The man I thought was my best friend and my person is now not only a stranger, but cut me off like I never existed and left me in the worst way possible. I can’t help but blame myself for him cheating and leaving me for someone else. I can’t help but blame myself when the girl he left me for posts photos of them together with the caption “when he left her for you”, who does that? That man in those photos with her IS NOT the man I have known and loved and had a life with and that’s the hardest thing to accept. Thank you Natasha for this article. I woke up feeling another really low day coming on, but this has made it a little better. Keep writing and changing lives for the better. I’m not sure where my head would be without this blog.
Tess,
I have been there and your feelings are ALL justified, normal, and valid <3 Thank you so much for sharing - You have no idea how many people you have helped feel less alone.
This was not your fault at ALL and I am happy that the post helped you feel even a little better about reaffirming that truth.
I love you so much Tess. It will get better and you've got me and this entire tribe supporting you every step of the way. xxxx
This hits the nail in the head for me. Thanks for sharing. I am trying to overcome the lies and betrayal after 20 years of marriage. It’s hard but I am trying. Looking forward to hearing more from this site. Today has helped me tremendously.
WOW you did it once again, I really can’t even start to describe how much this post helped me.
My ex cheated twice and I still got back to him every time. He made me feel that something is wrong with me and because of that every time that I found that he cheated I still begged to go back to him. I was in really low point in my life. I even wanted to kill myself because I felt so stupid and something is fucked up with me and not with him.
After our last break up I googled “how to go back to your ex” (yes I still wanted to do that ?????) and then I found this blessing blog. In that same day I read few posts and I can’t even describe how every post helped me to go throw this horrible break up.
From a person that wanted to kill her self I became so strong and with the knowledge that the problem is not with me. I’m not the same person anymore.
One of the reasons that I love this blog so much is that you share your personal stories and to read like in this post that you were going throw the same thing that I was going throw and I have no reason to feel ashamed of myself , I felt like every word was written about me.
Natasha, I really can’t even describe how this blog changed my life. Today I can recognize the red flags and I want to be on the “white horse” and the most important thing: “I’m the CEO of myself”.
Thank you for this blog and for this tribe that give me strength and hope. You literally saved my life.
Love you xoxo??
You are and forever will be a sister, a hero of mine, and an angel in my life. Thank you for existing.
Love you Nurit. xxx
Hello Natasha.
Thank you for this. I love the last paragraph. Those are words to remember.
I have as we all have looke for happiness where it was not. Now I know and I try to remind myself daily. We have to find happiness from within before we can be happy with someone else.
Love you and I hope you are well. ????
Linda!
They sure are words to remember 🙂 I was thinking of our last conversation when I wrote that paragraph.
I love you too! Thank you for adding so much joy to my life and for helping so many here in this tribe. You are loved beyond words. xoxo
I love the post. Being cheated on was so difficult to get over it was excruciating. its so hard to believe it and you don’t really want to believe it yet all the evidence is in front of your eyes. How is it possible the person who’s so loving and we text every day, all day and see each other so much be seeing another girl, for months at the same time and lied to me? When I found out it was the darkest period of my life, I’m usually optimistic and I’ve been through so much but this completely knocked me to depression, there was this dark cloud over me and I just couldn’t be the same anymore it felt like the world lost it’s colour. I didn’t want to see friends but I’d manage to just go through the daily routine like a zombie, when I had time I’d go curl up on the floor and just cry and at night cry myself to sleep every night and I thought there was no end to it. It went on for so long finally I’d go on dates sometimes but connecting was another story. I met 47 men to find someone I dated for a couple of months or so. Broken trust carried over to the next relationship, I also wanted to know where he was and demanded pics with the location with the new guy (so embarrassing) who was nice to me but still managed to mess it up because i was a jealous monster with him and completely ruined everything. It took me a long time to restore that peace I had with myself and other men but it’s been 2 years since and hopefully I’ll be myself again because I’ve been so disgusted at myself how I’ve treated others after that incident. I also saw him look like a shell of himself, I didn’t take pleasure but I thought of karma. Love you Natasha xxx
Daniella,
I will never be able to find the words to thank you for what you wrote because there are no words that will ever be able to do so <3
Everything you described, even down to life losing its color, is what I have felt. I acted in ways that were so out of character and embarrassing but I got through it and came out better than ever. And if I can do it alone, we can do it together. You are not alone in this. Keep having your own back and never compromising your standards. I really hope that we can meet one day soon 🙂
It would be an honour! You’ve helped me so much, you beautiful human soul! I’m in Montreal Canada xxx
???????
It’s so strange that your articles always coincide with my life events. The only man whom I loved and cheated on me with his ex posted an engagement photo with the woman with whom he cheated on me. I was devastated when he revealed the situation. To make matters worse, he gaslit me about the breakup (continuing his dishonesty with both of us) and told me: “you served the purpose of making me better for her. I never loved you.” And the other woman felt the need to dm me saying how ugly and crazy I am even though she was threatening to kill herself and banging on his door while he was dating me. He also felt the need to contact me over a year later to tell me how happy he is with her and that he didn’t want to hear from me. Mind you, I cut contact as soon as his two faced betrayal was revealed. Why does anyone feel the need to be that dehumanizing and cruel? I felt violated and broken to the core. Despite having healed, this recent photo triggered the latent pain. It seems like karma doesn’t exist. Why is he so happy whilst treating people with whom he’s intimate in such abusive ways? I really thought I’d made strides to get past this, and then it’s unearthed anew.
P.S. Where did you get the red jumper? I’d like to buy it. So cute!
Ayla,
Happy people do not behave the way your ex does. If he’s so in love with this new woman (and vice versa) they would be getting on with their lives. Not contacting you.
Please don’t be checking up on them via social media. Block him. Get a new email and block his number on your phone.
These two are unhealthy and emotionally unintelligent. I understand how hurt you are, but oh my, this lowlife has done you a favour.
You deserve to be loved and cared for. He’s not of a high enough caliber to give you that. Let boys be boys and move on. There’s someone out there whose life will line up with yours – and when you meet, you’ll see what love is.
Ignore this loser. Let him struggle through life and have one unhealthy relationship after another. He sounds very narcissistic – and as I said earlier, happy people don’t carry on this way.
You aren’t like him. That’s why it hasn’t worked. It’s one of those painful lessons in life that knocks you off your feet. But when you stand back up, you’ll be stronger and steadier. These lessons teach us how to move forward, to walk away gracefully with our head up high.
F*cktards sometimes come into our lives to show us our worth. And indeed, you’re so worthy, Ayla.
Much love to you xxx ???
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Recently found your website and its like you know ALL my thoughts and feelings! I had been taking “crumbs” from a boyfriend who was constantly in and out of my life for the last year. Only to learn that he was cheating on me the whole time and was actually engaged.
I trusted and believed him every time he came back and told me there hadn’t been anyone else.
It has destroyed my already low self esteem. Knowing a beautiful, intelligent and wonderfully articulate women such as yourself has experienced the same issues/feelings gives me hope for a happy and self-loved future.
you make a difference!
Kelly
Kelly,
From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for taking the time to reach out and for being a part of this tribe. And it takes one to know one. You are able to see everything that you do in me because you possess and radiate the same.
Engaged?! Ugh, I am so sorry you’ve had to go through this. In a way though, I am grateful for what all of us have experienced because it helped us find each other.
You will get through this and come out stronger and loving yourself more than ever before. I know it. Thank you for existing.
All my love to you, soul sister. Hope that this finds you and your loved ones healthy. xox
Hi Ayla!
I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through this dysfunctional nightmare/hell. You are not alone. Good for you for cutting contact. I know it’s hard to believe, but he is not happy. Happy people do not have the capacity to do ANY of this ????? It’s actually a dress ? Very flattering, comfortable, and affordable. I got it in the Savvy Deatrment of Nordstrom. It comes in Emerald Green too ? which I had to get also ? DM me on Instagram if you cannot find and I will send you the direct link. Love you sis xx
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I broke up 9 months ago, being cheated on by my ex-bf.
I was devastated when I found out and I felt like my world had collapsed.
That “not enough” feeling has been lingering on me since then.
It was so difficult to get through, because at that time I truly believed that he was the one.
I loved him like I have never loved before, tried my best to be his best support & fought hard for our relationship.
It all started to heal a little bit, when I tell myself firmly that this was not my fault.
I am good enough, pretty enough & smart enough.
He was just an insecure shitty person.
To all the girls out there feeling not good enough, you are enough.
& the scar he left with you will recover & be healed someday, as long as you believe you will.
<3 xoxo
Thank you Natasha, you always write these posts with such love. No blaming or tough love ?
I am still very much struggling with getting over the feeling of not being “enough”. What is it about this new girl that makes him put the effort in? Why did my years and years of love an devotion not matter?
My sister said maybe he has learnt from his mistakes and improved his behaviour now. But why did I not get this behaviour? I’m told “he just went off you”.
How can I get over this feeling? No matter how much I love myself, ultimately I wanted to spend my life with him, I was happiest with him and now my world has crashed.
He didn’t cheat on me but moved on very quickly after our long term relationship ??
Lily,
You’re enough. You’re enough. You’re enough. You’re enough. You’re enough. You’re enough. Yes you are.
When we are discarded by someone brutally and they appear to move on like we meant nothing – it causes us to doubt ourselves and our worth. But never get your sense of worth from how others treat you.
Love and respect can still be part of a healthy breakup and what you’re going through is tough. His behaviour may have appeared to have changed for the better, but that might only be because it’s early days. Leopards don’t change their spots.
Focus on you. Do little thing she on the daily that make you feel good. I know it’s hard. But try. Take warm showers or baths and buy yourself flowers. Get a new lipstick. Burn a scented candle. Spoil yourself. Every time you think of him do some crunches. You’ll have the tightest stomach in no time and look and feel even better than ever. (I did this – haha it works!)
Try to turn every time you think of him into something for you. Go for a wal, call a friend, come here to PMS and read. Go to the movies.
Dark skies always break eventually to show the light. You are enough. You are enough. Yes you f*cking are.
Know that. And one day you’ll see you were too good for him.
Xxx love to you
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I could not have said it any better ???? And I love seeing this love and support ? Thank you Lorelle xxxx
Lily,
Thank you ?? I’m so happy that the post helped in a way.
I don’t think that people can be launching pads for others to the extent that they acquire connectivity, morality, and empathy. I don’t know all of the details but what I do know is that you are incredible and you will be okay ?? And you’re never alone. Love you sister xx
Bee,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing ???????? You are an angel. Love you. xox
And thank you for affirming that I was not alone in how I felt ?
If only I had this article after all the times I got cheated on in my life!!! Natasha, another briiantly written post with thought provoking and awe inspiring examples that truly heal.. that you’ll never find anywhere else. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your hard work and your life and light. Xoxoxo
??? that means everything to me SDD. Thank you for being a part of this tribe and affirming that I was never/am never alone. Big love to you. XOX
You are so right. Giving really is the best gift in the grand scheme. Thank you for your beautiful words. As always, your posts don’t disappoint
It really is ??? There is no greater gift than giving. Thanks Shana!
I sometimes feel like this blog has saved my life recently. Reading the posts and the comments has gotten me through some really dark days.
My ex bailed on our relationship because he said he got cold feet about where we were going. He then spent 2 months constantly asking if I thought we would work wanting to see me. I backed off figured space would help. I then found out he had just started seeing someone else while I had went into no contact. I was devastated. We didn’t speak for a further 2 months he said he wouldn’t see her again as he still didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. We recently started speaking because I stupidly told him I still loved him and missed him. He started up with the wanting to see me. Drunk late night messages. I found out he’s still seeing her. I feel so stupid and worthless. Why does she get a relationship when he didn’t want this with me. I know I deserve better but feeling it is so difficult. I found out last night he had taken his ex away for a night in a hotel when we had first started seeing each other. I feel doubly stupid like everything was all lies and what else has he done over the last 2 years. I don’t know how to move past this feeling of not being good enough but this blog shows me life will get better. Thank you.
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Heidi,
You are not alone ??? And she’s not getting a relationship – he is ALREADY dishonoring her by being in any communication with you – Remember that. I am so happy to have helped and I hope you know how many others you’ve helped by sharing your story. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. You are appreciated, loved, understood, and believed in ?
Thank you sister <3 I'm happy the post helped!
AWWW I will look into the wallpapers - I think they would be good with quotes from the posts on them 🙂 xxxx
I just yesterday found out my boyfriend of 5 months was on the dating app Bumble because I saw that someone messaged him, it came up on his notifications. I know he cares about me but I also know that I deserve someone who is 100% in. It hurts but unfortunately I have been dealing with heartache for the past several years and these men who can’t seem to appreciate what they have till it’s gone. But at least now I have experience being on and staying on the white horse.
When I found out yesterday, I immediately got up to leave. I confronted him and then I walked out, literally. I gave him no opportunity to explain himself which of course he tried to, and I didn’t act crazy except when he was trying to hold on to me to make me stay, because of course I had to fight to get him to let go of me. But after that I just calmly walked away. And that’s how it ends. I will not contact him.
It hurts, but I know I will get through this….again.
Kim,
You are so inspiring. Thank you for coming here to share. I went through the same thing years ago and I wish that I would have exuded the grace under pressure and stayed on my white horse as you did and are. When there is nothing the other person could say that would ever justify what you saw, it’s best to have your own back and speak with your actions.
You are not alone and YES – you will get through this. We are all here for you. xoxo
Everyone’s stories really make me lose faith and hope in relationships. I don’t think I’ll ever feel secure or enough for someone else.
Thank so much for your kind replies and love.
Natasha, your no-contact course had helped me enormously. But I can’t help but think on the flip side, that when my ex left me, and that he cut contact and blocked me in every way, that he saw me as a toxic person. Why would he cut me out otherwise? (Over 5 years intense relationship, living together, making plans, he decides he doesn’t want a relationship, his feelings for me went and he left. 2 weeks later he met online a girl who lives 6 hours away and he has been in a relationship with her for a year now.)
I’m so lost and empty. I feel cheated on. I’m struggling to accept that he did just go off me. ??
Don’t lose faith Lily. Just keep focusing on the only relationship you will never be able to live without – The one that you have with yourself. We are all here for and with you. I’m happy that the course helped! I would need more details and wish that I had the time to comment on your situation (thank you for understanding and being so kind), but if you treated him with respect and were a good partner, maybe he’s just immature, unavailable and lame for not at the very least, communicating with you. Love you. xx
Maybe we are all struggling with a man here, which we put as our first form of relationship, giving it our very best.
However I always leave after reading with more hope. If we had our own backs more, they couldn’t go that far. We deserve great men. We will get great men. Here we realize the great WOMEN we are becoming (are). ???????
🙂 XOXO
Like lately i had a thought of, am i a man repellant? I look ok..? I am just turning off the shallow dudes faster because I give off a vibe of dont f with me. Fortunately. Some men have given me their numbers on paper because they don’t want to impose a decision face to face. I take that as a sign of power too. I like that I’ve been learning how to be unfuckwithable here. Thank you for being here everyone.
My husband of four years left me for a man that he had only known for four months. He told me over and over that he was just a friend. I asked him to show me the messages and he was of course confessing his feelings to this man. I went home to my parents that same day and he moved in with that man the very next day. My heart was in pieces and I felt so alone and worthless.
After three months I decided to let him back in because he told me how much he loves me and wanted to have a future with me. He moved back in with me and agreed he would never talk to that man again. A week later I was a disaster and obsessive about everything he did or didn’t do. I caught him still talking to that man and he kept telling me that he wanted to be with me but couldn’t stop talking to him. I told him it was either move out or stop talking to him. The night before Thanksgiving he moved out and back in with that man. On Thanksgiving he took that man to dinner with his family. He told me it was a mistake and that he shouldn’t have moved out.
He was supposed to come over the evening of Thanksgiving but he never did. I tried for the third time to give him another chance. I spent over an hour last night talking to the suicide prevention hotline before I realized that I needed to change. I took the day off work today and I’m currently getting a pedicure and taking care of myself.
I will never give him the chance to hurt me again and this article is one of the main reasons why. It has helped me more than you will ever know. I’m so grateful. Thank you.
Jessica,
It is very rare that I am speechless and… I am so sorry for what you’ve been and are going through. To know that I have had even a small part in your realizations and now having your own back is not only an honor, it is also the greatest gift I could ever receive. You are not alone. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you ever need to talk. All my love to you sister. Your story hit me hard for many reasons. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. xo
I’d be interested in knowing other people’s thoughts on comments such as “he doesn’t love you and you have to accept that and move on”.
I heard this comment on a speech suggested in comments on an old blog.
This is the classical comment which I have become stuck on.
I think it’s more than “having to accept that” because that makes me feel like I have to accept the rejection but not learning why I was rejected. Just a comment like that makes me blame myself rather than, as Natasha does, look deeper in to why someone, particularly after a long term relationship, decided they dont love you any more. A previous post by Natasha is the only useful tool which has helped me ignore comments like that xx
Thank you so much for this Lily. I will try to write more in-depth about this soon as I completely understand and agree with how it makes you feel. You are not alone. Love you xx
I stumbled upon this post by accident and I’m so glad I did! I’ve never commented publicly on anything before, but here goes! I’ve been struggling to even look at myself in the mirror since I found out about my husband’s affair, 5 months ago. I have, and continue to, beat myself down over why I wasn’t enough to keep him happy. We’ve been together for 11 years and have a five year old son. I thought we were happy. I actually said, out loud, many times, that I was the luckiest woman in the world and that I loved my life! Sure, we had our ups and downs, but at the end of the day, I thought we were blessed to be among the very few who had a great marriage. I honestly believed that we were made for each other, and that we had this almost magical connection that could never be compromised. I thought he had no reason, or desire, to pursue anyone else. I never even entertained the possibility of him being unfaithful, until 5 months ago when I picked up the IPad and realized that he had forgotten to log out of his FB Messenger account. I know that I probably should have respected his privacy and logged out for him without reading any of his messages, but I’m human, what can I say! For the next hour or so, I read the words that ruined my life. The multitude of messages from numerous females stopped by heart and stole my breathe. I scoured over messages going back 6 years. Everything I knew was a lie. My entire life was a sham. Everything that I was proud of had been nothing more than a joke. I began spiraling downhill at that exact moment. I memorized every single word from every single message. I investigated every single girl and obsessed over every little detail I could find out about her. I immediately began a rigorous exercise and diet regimen, refused to let him see me without makeup, and began dressing up daily to stay at home with my son. I went crazy! I would actually put makeup on before I came out of the bathroom when I got out of the shower at 10pm some nights! I made a written list of all of my flaws and weaknesses so I could address them immediately. I went over every little thing that I had done, or hadn’t done, over the past decade that could have driven him to cheat. Talk about a long list! I carried a notebook around with me all day everyday so I could jot down things as I remembered them. The worst part is that my husband simply refuses to discuss it! Who does that? He dismissed my findings, said none of it was true, and refused to speak anymore on the subject. What???!!! It’s not like I just heard a rumor and went with it! I read his own words with my own eyes!! So, now I’m left reeling, confused, heartbroken, devastated, paralyzed, humiliated, and furious! I’ve become obsessed and a bit psychotic while trying to wrap my head around this. I haven’t left him, but not because I want to work things out. I’m simply not able to do anything at the moment. I am merely existing. Once I, somehow, clear my head and get a little perspective, then I’ll decide what moves to make. For now, I am barely able to maintain standing still, I couldn’t possibly plan any steps to move forward. It’s comforting to hear that someone who has been through the same thing has found happiness again. It’s hard to believe, but comforting. It’s also hard to imagine that one day I won’t blame myself for the affair, but now I’m optimistic. Thank you for sharing your pain. It has helped me more than you could possibly know in the darkest days of my life.
Hi Amy!
Thank you so much for taking the time to share. I am so sorry that you are going through this all. Just take it minute by minute and know that you are loved, supported, understood, empathized with, rooted for, and never, EVER alone. Do what is best for YOU and your son. You don’t have to make any moves right now – Just feel your way through this and never tolerate the avoidance of anyone who participated in your dishonoring.
I wish that I had the time to write more (thank you for your understanding and kindness). You are not alone. Thank you for being a part of this tribe and thank you for inspiring so many simply by existing. Love you sister. xo
Natasha,
I stumbled upon this post by accident and I’m so glad I did! I’ve never commented publicly on anything before, but here goes! I’ve been struggling to even look at myself in the mirror since I found out about my husband’s affair, 5 months ago. I have, and continue to, beat myself down over why I wasn’t enough to keep him happy. We’ve been together for 11 years and have a five year old son. I thought we were happy. I actually said, out loud, many times, that I was the luckiest woman in the world and that I loved my life! Sure, we had our ups and downs, but at the end of the day, I thought we were blessed to be among the very few who had a great marriage. I honestly believed that we were made for each other, and that we had this almost magical connection that could never be compromised. I thought he had no reason, or desire, to pursue anyone else. I never even entertained the possibility of him being unfaithful, until 5 months ago when I picked up the IPad and realized that he had forgotten to log out of his FB Messenger account. I know that I probably should have respected his privacy and logged out for him without reading any of his messages, but I’m human, what can I say! For the next hour or so, I read the words that ruined my life. The multitude of messages from numerous females stopped by heart and stole my breathe. I scoured over messages going back 6 years. Everything I knew was a lie. My entire life was a sham. Everything that I was proud of had been nothing more than a joke. I began spiraling downhill at that exact moment. I memorized every single word from every single message. I investigated every single girl and obsessed over every little detail I could find out about her. I immediately began a rigorous exercise and diet regimen, refused to let him see me without makeup, and began dressing up daily to stay at home with my son. I went crazy! I would actually put makeup on before I came out of the bathroom when I got out of the shower at 10pm some nights! I made a written list of all of my flaws and weaknesses so I could address them immediately. I went over every little thing that I had done, or hadn’t done, over the past decade that could have driven him to cheat. Talk about a long list! I carried a notebook around with me all day everyday so I could jot down things as I remembered them. The worst part is that my husband simply refuses to discuss it! Who does that? He dismissed my findings, said none of it was true, and refused to speak anymore on the subject. What???!!! It’s not like I just heard a rumor and went with it! I read his own words with my own eyes!! So, now I’m left reeling, confused, heartbroken, devastated, paralyzed, humiliated, and furious! I’ve become obsessed and a bit psychotic while trying to wrap my head around this. I haven’t left him, but not because I want to work things out. I’m simply not able to do anything at the moment. I am merely existing. Once I, somehow, clear my head and get a little perspective, then I’ll decide what moves to make. For now, I am barely able to maintain standing still, I couldn’t possibly plan any steps to move forward. It’s comforting to hear that someone who has been through the same thing has found happiness again. It’s hard to believe, but comforting. It’s also hard to imagine that one day I won’t blame myself for the affair, but now I’m optimistic. Thank you for sharing your pain. It has helped me more than you could possibly know in the darkest days of my life.
The love of my life, my partner for 12 years left 5 weeks ago. He is seeing a friend of mine, a woman I have helped through a bad time and always been there for. He says he hasn’t left me for her and he doesn’t know where it’s going but he introduced her to his parents after 3 weeks! I can’t do anything but cry, I have dropped so much weight. I don’t know how I manage to work. I feel frightened and lonely. I considered suicide just because I’m so fed up of the pain and exhaustion but I love my family too much to hurt them. I have a constant video in my head of all our times together, the holidays the interest in common, I’m still attracted to him. I always told him I loved him but he stopped telling me. He says we have been ‘broken ‘ for a long time but he never tried to talk or fix anything with me. He wouldn’t go out anywhere with me. I was like a single person but I still loved him. Last year I found dark hairs in our spare bed, I’m blonde, he just said he knew nothing about it, and I had to let it go although I had my suspicion who it was, since confirmed, his friend told me he’s been a serial cheat throughout our relationship, I took him back 6 years ago after a woman turned up on my doorstep telling me about their affair, he had a breakdown and I believed he wouldn’t do it again. We have a beautiful home which we literally built together and I will have to leave eventually as he can afford to buy me out. I spend my days grieving for the man I can’t stop loving, torturing myself with thoughts of the effort he’s making with my ‘friend ‘ now. Remembering how it was with us in the beginning. My last partner left me for my cousin and I can’t envisage ever trusting anyone again. Sometimes I just collapse in a heap on the kitchen floor and cry until my heart breaks again I’m so lonely and I miss him so much. I sound so pathetic. Thank you for this post. You sometimes think you’re the only one who feels so desperate xx
OMG Jodi. I am so sorry that you’ve had to go through this all and experience this kind of betrayal, heartbreak, and agony. You are never, ever alone. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you are interested and can help you with this. I have so much to say. I wish that I had the time to advise/answer in the comments, in the kind of depth that I want to (thank you so much for your understanding and kindness). You are not alone. xox
I thank you deepply for your work thruogh this blog <3 Also, because you went passed the shame that these horrible experiences can cause and decided to talk about this topic so openly and therefore beautifuly 🙂
Thank YOU Yalitzaly, for your connection, love, support, and for being a part of this tribe 🙂
You are loved, valued, appreciated, understood, and never, EVER alone. xoxo
Natasha thank you for this the father of my two kids cheated on me multiple times and I still haven’t been able to get over it and its been turning me into a monster Im constantly wanting to know how he felt eg when he slept with the first woman while i pregnant with our now 2 year old son, i gave so much up for this relationship i feel i have wasted my time my love my life on a good for nothing cheat who up till this day actually asked me for a no strings attached sexual relationship because he wants to focus on one of the women he cheated with, and all the while hes living in my house , my house because he has nowhere else to go i dont know eheyher im coming or going
This may be an old post, but your words truly helped me.
This year my ex came back to make up. He did put some effort in it and it touched my heart. The moment I went along with him, his input went downwards. Three months long I tried to build our friendship to a relationship, while accepting the cold shoulder. Finally I gave up, I saw it was wrong. But the very next day he began a relationship with another woman. In those three months he gave her al the warmth, while giving me the cold shoulder. He clearly already moved on, while not telling the truth. It broke me twice and again negative questions came in my head.
But as you said: he is a sh*tty persons who desevers another sh*tty person.
Hi Roos!
I’m so happy that the post helped! I live to give everything that I wish I would have had.
You are loved, supported, understood, backed, believed in, and never, EVER alone. All my love to you; I hope this finds you and your loved ones healthy. xox
I know I am late to this post, but I needed this so bad….
In March of last year right before the pandemic hit, my live in exs little work thing messaged me on Facebook detailing their 9 month long “relationship”. He of course denied it, saying she was a liar etc. But I knew. He’d talked to other women before so everything she said made sense. And she had no reason to lie.
Well fast forward and he’s somehow convinced me to stay in his life and vice versa. I am miserable. He no longer lives here but calls and texts like we are together, often wanting to spend time with my kids and I.
I dont hate him anymore, and I forgive him for it all, even before her. But I no longer love him and I’m just passing the time and call my self saving his feelings.
I hope to tell him sometime this week how the after math has impacted my life in such a negative way and how I no longer want to be in this state. Thanks for writing this piece.
Teri,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share and by doing so, helping others (who are too shy to comment) feel less alone and empowered to take action amidst heartbreak.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe; thank you for YOU.
I’m so happy that this post helped! I live to give everything that I wish I had.
Sending you love and hoping that this finds you and your loved ones healthy and safe. xox
You are not alone.
Thank you so much for sharing it really helped me feel that it’s ok to be happy and to stop worrying about what my wife does. My wife cheated on me for over 3years and I feel that she still sometimes is cheating. It’s hurts so bad but trying to live a happy life now
I am so happy that this post served you.
You are not alone, David.