What do you want your relational legacy to be? After a breakup, everyone wants to know how to be The One That Got Away, instead of the crazy ex who couldn’t accept reality.
Whether it’s with friends or in romantic relationships, I always have this post-relationship fantasy of being The One That Got Away after a breakup. Always. And while Fantasyland is a fun place to reside (if you don’t mind being delusional), a few years ago I decided to acquaint myself with reality. In the process, I realized that I was never The One That Got Away.
I was the batsh*t crazy ex-girlfriend who had let her insecurities, fears, issues (abandonment issues, trust issues, mommy issues, daddy issues), pain, and triggers, get the best of her.
After a lot of shame and embarrassment, I was able to learn how to be The One That Got Away.
And it changed my life.
Here’s what you need to know…
The # 1 reason that you will be remembered as “the crazy psycho ex” instead of “The One That Got Away,” always boils down to the inability to speak with your actions.
Do the one thing that your ex (and most people on this planet) can’t do – speak with your actions. Speaking with your actions is scary and hard to do at first because it goes against everything we were taught as kids. We grow up to be adults that feel ashamed for having boundaries, having our own backs, and loving who we are.
Speaking with your actions gets easier when you start to see the transformative effect that it has. When you speak with your actions, you put an immediate end to your run as the ambassador of crazy town. Why? Because you give people absolutely no words to mince, twist, and use against you down the line. You remain on your white horse instead of being reactionary and creating drama.
Do not triggered and explanatory. Get silent and disappear.
Thinking of getting revenge on your ex-boyfriend? Consider this: even if you can’t physically distance yourself, you can create an emotional chasm through firm boundaries, which in turn will lead you to the freedom of indifference. Whether you cross paths at school, work, share children, or any other unavoidable situations, remember to let your actions do the talking. Engage only on a superficial level, keeping interactions brief, clear, and within boundaries, regardless of what he might say or the pain it might evoke.
You are capable of this. And while you might be made to feel guilty for letting your actions speak, brush off those feelings of guilt. Maintain your course, and always stay in your lane.
We can get addicted to wanting to talk things over and over (and over) so that we can delay the inevitable and try one last time to see if we’re “special enough” for them to want to change. This makes us look desperate and nuts. It’s no different than trying to be “good enough” to get a cat to bark.
We want to have “talks” and explain to people how they hurt us and why what they did was wrong. The thing is, if these people were capable of respect in the first place, you wouldn’t be reading this right now. So, what’s the point of explaining to someone, that has consistently proven to you that they don’t understand respect, how they were disrespectful? It’s not your job to be an educational resource center for grown adults. Be one for YOURSELF and get away from the toxicity.
Never ask someone why they rejected you. Rejection is not an investigation trigger. It’s an action initiator.
Aim to Forgive & Let Go.
Forgiveness is not about condoning what happened or accepting injustice. It’s about adjusting your boundaries in light of accepting who someone has revealed themselves to be.
You can then, make peace with the present moment and in turn, reclaim your power.
Crazy ONLY behind closed doors.
Stalk, obsess, cry, kick, scream, shout… do it all in the privacy of your own space.
Feel your feelings and feel your pain. It will eventually pass. If you remain in a state of avoidance, the pain will fester and spread like cancer. The pain contraction will then be so intense, it will make you say and do things at the expense of your dignity.
Get a life by focusing on the one person who has been ignored for far too long: YOU.
Want to know how to be The One That Got Away? Invest in yourself. I’ve created some of my best work, gotten in the best shape of my life, and grown so much during the darkest and most painful times. Use your pain as the instrument for becoming who you’re truly meant to be in this life.
By speaking with your actions, you give your ex a chance to not only miss the old you that used to mistake their chain yanks for sincerity and their crumbs for loaves, but you reintroduce them to who you truly are. And you give them the chance to see that there is a real consequence for being reckless with your heart: your absence.
Being The One That Got Away isn’t this unattainable fairytale myth. It’s about…
- Recognizing when you’re triggered and committing to emotional intelligence (staying on your white horse and in a state of non-reactivity).
- Taking action instead of mouthing off.
- Disengaging from bs.
- Validating yourself.
- Appearing to not give a f*ck until the day comes when you actually don’t.
And believe me when I say, that day will come. I know the short-term pain doesn’t seem worth it but you’re not alone. And that long-term GAIN is priceless.
You GAIN A LIFE. And the kind of peace that no one will ever be able to rob you of.
Written by: Natasha Adamo