What do you want your relational legacy to be? After a breakup, everyone wants to know how to be The One That Got Away, instead of the crazy ex who couldn’t accept reality.
Whether it’s with friends or in romantic relationships, I always have this post-relationship fantasy of being The One That Got Away after a breakup. Always. And while Fantasyland is a fun place to reside (if you don’t mind being delusional), a few years ago I decided to acquaint myself with reality. In the process, I realized that I was never The One That Got Away.
I was the batsh*t crazy ex girlfriend who had let her insecurities, fears, issues (abandonment issues, trust issues, mommy issues, daddy issues), pain, and triggers, get the best of her.
After a lot of shame and embarrassment, I was able to learn how to be The One That Got Away.
And it changed my life.
Here’s what you need to know…
The # 1 reason that you will be remembered as “the crazy psycho ex” instead of “The One That Got Away,” always boils down to the inability to speak with your actions.
Do the one thing that your ex (and most people on this planet) can’t do – speak with your actions. Speaking with your actions is scary and hard to do at first because it goes against everything we were taught as kids. We grow up to be adults that feel ashamed for having boundaries, having our own backs, and loving who we are.
Speaking with your actions gets easier when you start to see the transformative effect that it has. When you speak with your actions, you put an immediate end to your run as the ambassador of crazy town. Why? Because you give people absolutely no words to mince, twist, and use against you down the line. You remain on your white horse instead of being reactionary and creating drama.
Do not triggered and explanatory. Get silent and disappear.
Even if you can’t physically disappear, you can emotionally disappear by having boundaries, which will help you attain indifference. If you have to see this person at school, work, you have kids with them, or other circumstances that are out of your control, you can still speak with your actions by not engaging on any level deeper than the surface. Keep everything minimal, concise, and boundaried – no matter what he/she says or how much it hurts.
You can do this. And remember, you’ll most likely be made to feel bad about speaking with your actions. Don’t worry about it and do not feel guilty. Stay in your lane.
We can get addicted to wanting to talk things over and over (and over) so that we can delay the inevitable and try one last time to see if we’re “special enough” for them to want to change. This makes us look desperate and nuts. It’s no different than trying to be “good enough” to get a cat to bark.
We want to have “talks” and explain to people how they hurt us and why what they did was wrong. The thing is, if these people were capable of respect in the first place, you wouldn’t be reading this right now. So, what’s the point of explaining to someone, that has consistently proven to you that they don’t understand respect, how they were disrespectful? It’s not your job to be an educational resource center for grown adults. Be one for YOURSELF and get away from the toxicity.
Never ask someone why they rejected you. Rejection is not an investigation trigger. It’s an action initiator.
Aim to Forgive & Let Go.
Forgiveness is not about condoning what happened or accepting injustice. It’s about adjusting your boundaries in light of accepting who someone has revealed themselves to be.
You can then, make peace with the present moment and in turn, reclaim your power.
Crazy ONLY behind closed doors.
Stalk, obsess, cry, kick, scream, shout… do it all in the privacy of your own space.
Feel your feelings and feel your pain. It will eventually pass. If you remain in a state of avoidance, the pain will fester and spread like cancer. The pain contraction will then be so intense, it will make you say and do things at the expense of your dignity.
Get a life by focusing on the one person who has been ignored for far too long: YOU.
Want to know how to be The One That Got Away? Invest in yourself. I’ve created some of my best work, gotten in the best shape of my life, and grown so much during the darkest and most painful times. Use your pain as the instrument for becoming who you’re truly meant to be in this life.
By speaking with your actions, you give your ex a chance to not only miss the old you that used to mistake their chain yanks for sincerity and their crumbs for loaves, but you reintroduce them to who you truly are. And you give them the chance to see that there is a real consequence for being reckless with your heart: your absence.
Being The One That Got Away isn’t this unattainable fairytale myth. It’s about…
- Recognizing when you’re triggered and committing to emotional intelligence (staying on your white horse and in a state of non-reactivity).
- Taking action instead of mouthing off.
- Disengaging from bs.
- Validating yourself.
- Appearing to not give a f*ck until the day comes when you actually don’t.
And believe me when I say, that day will come. I know the short-term pain doesn’t seem worth it but you’re not alone. And that long-term GAIN is priceless.
You GAIN A LIFE. And the kind of peace that no one will ever be able to rob you of.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.
So good!!! Thank you so much Natasha god bless you for creating this site and for being the beauty that you are
I’d like to chime in, as a male, if I may; it’s been 11 months now since my wife emotionally detached and walked out of our marriage. Married 15 years and have 4 young children together. I was blindsided, literally, by her news that she had fallen out of love and was leaving me. Up until that point, I thought we were living the American dream! Anyhow, I cried, begged, and was clingy. Very embarrassed by those actions at this point. Natasha, your article is right on cue about making them aware of the consequences for their actions. I woke up one day and decided I was tired of being tired of my absurd behavior and I began “evolving” into an amazing person. I began to exercise, a lot. I changed my appearance, drastically. I enrolled back in school to finish my major. Almost a year from that unfortunate day, I’m 40lbs lighter, looking sharp and alive, on pace to finish my bachelor’s degree AND I’m dating beautiful woman like crazy. My point? Well, I loved this woman, probably still do (ugh!), she meant the world to me and I would do anything to make her happy. However, there comes a moment when you really have to accept things for what they are. So, I cried it all out and started my journey to self healing. Now I look at her and I almost feel pity for her. I also know that she looks at me in a different light and probably feels stupid about her actions. So, eat your heart out woman! You made your bed, now lay on it. Natasha, your article is very supporting and encouraging to those in a bad heartbreak situation. Dignity, self respect and putting the most value in yourself is the best thing to do. Thank you Natasha!
Hi Simon! Thank YOU so much for taking the time to share 🙂 I’m proud of you for having your own back, staying on your whitehorse and letting your actions do the talking. Thanks for the feedback and support! I’m happy that the post helped!!
God bless you Simon! ? I also went from 170 to 134 and it’s been a year but I’m still crying over and over again after constantly being cheated on by the father of my son–whom I believed would be my husband. He’s always been this narcissist and you couldn’t do anything for him because he didn’t need you… I only wanted his love and affection and after ten years on and off, he has broken up with me and is seeing a woman he ended up spending Valentine’s Day with (two weeks, three–tops after our breakup) at a ski resort, and claims he is seeing two more women. I moved out of the house and I find that he has candles everywhere around the house… I’ve never given him a reason to hate me so it’s pretty heartbreaking to not be able to move on from this obvious a**hole.
I hope I can find someone amazing like myself. I am constantly praying for better. God bless you and the amazing women you’re meeting and dating ??
Printing this one out. This is something that I definitely need to work on. Natasha you are amazing <3 <3
Thank you so much for your articles. They really help me a lot.
That makes me so happy 🙂 Thank you! xoxo
“…there is a real consequence for being reckless with your heart: your eternal absence.” Boom. Truth!
Natasha, seriously, you have such a gift as a writer and advice giver. THIS BLOG HAS SAVED ME. I cannot tell you how your words of wisdom have helped me maintain standards, dignity and boundaries.
Don’t complain, don’t explain. Get on the white horse and stay on!
Natasha, you are a gem! Thank you, thank you for sharing your truth and wisdom with everyone. We’re all in this together!
Thank YOU! Your sweet message seriously made my day. You’re right – we are all in this together – always 🙂 xx
So eloquently stated. Thank You. Feel better soon.
Thanks so much La Toya <3 xoxo
Does this work if you freaked out on him and confronted the OW when he cheated?
after confronting him I totally disappeared from social media and I have not contacted him or looked at his social media at all, for over a month now.
As long as you stick to the no contact, you’re good 🙂 xoxo
Hi Natasha, I found your page and I really love it.
Thank you so much for being there. <3
Me and my boyfriend of 5 years just broke up a week ago because he upset about stupid thing and ignored me. So I left him and cut him off but it lasted till 3 days and he texted me and I can control but to reply. Oh yea. This is not the first time. And he said he just texted to find out why I blocked him without a word and now he said he can't be together cos he moved on. And i was begging like a super shitty low woman again eventhough I know and I told myself not to if he calls. Is just when he said he moved on and maybe it's from God and that's why we can't be together I went crazy. Why he has to tell me just to hurt me. I've done so much and very supportive to him and take him back over and over and he did this. Is this mean he really moved on and found someone else ? I know it's stupid question and I also regret begging him and I just hate myself that I begged.
I really wanna just leave him completely and make regret and feel the pain. I wanna forget him.
I'm sorry Natasha. And keep posting . I love your writing .
Hi Faz, thank you so much! 🙂
I can’t say if he’s found someone else because I don’t know but I do know that the best thing that you can do is speak with your actions and remain in no contact. Your silence will speak more than any words ever could. I’m so glad that you like the posts and I promise to keep posting <3 xo
absolutely loved this! great timing for me too
Thanks babe 🙂 xx
I am really struggling with not personalizing why a man would “let me go.” Is there truth to the following idea:
If a man feels ATTRACTION for a woman, on a deep emotional level BEYOND PHYSICAL ATTRACTION, then nothing else really matters:
Not looks, age, nationality, wealth, religion, etc.
Not peer pressure from friends and family.
Not even where a man is in his own life, which he often uses as an excuse – such as where his career is, his personal income, that he needs his freedom, he’s too young, he needs to “have his fun” before he settles down… all that stuff.
None of it matters!
On the other hand, if a man DOESN’T feel ATTRACTION for a woman, then nothing else matters in that case, either!
You can’t “talk” a man into feeling ATTRACTION any more than you can “talk” a person who has just eaten a huge meal into feeling hungry.
Does this mean even if he is really lost BUT emotionally available he would still show up? My former is in a place of complete “lostness” in his life… said he isn’t a whole person at present. Would an emotionally available guy still be able to choose me?
I LOVE your site,
im going through a really hard break up, even left the country and moved back home (where we r both from)
If he truly loved me he would never have let me go i keep repeating that in my head and i know its true,
but I have done some crazy stuff so now im trying to follow the whole cutting him off to move on more than anything else…
thank you for your site, it really does help a LOT especially that i dont know anyone who really has gone through what i have gone through and its really really hard!
Thanks babe 🙂 That makes me so happy to hear. I totally understand where you’re at; you’re not alone. Keep doing whats best for you xoxo
Will does work for an emotionally unavailable man?
Dear Natasha xoxoxo
OMG this article rocks! I really needed this Natasha and the timing could not be any better 🙂 Can you write more of these, I love them so much! I was having the worse few days at my workplace, due to work stress, isolation and extreme loneliness …. already on my way to backsliding and giving in to thoughts of re-connecting with the ghoster at work (yes, you heard me!) But now I found renewed strength to hang-on and stay on track. Thank you for helping me! xoxo
Thanks 🙂 Yay! That makes me so happy to hear. I promise to write more. Thank you so much! xoxoxo
So encouraginggggg!!! Definitely one of my faves. Thank you for your bad-assness Natasha!
Hope my email to you did not get lost in your inbox. xoxo
Thanks babe 🙂 It didn’t get lost; I’m emailing you back tomorrow xoxoxoxo
Thank you…9 days in of having cut him off and I have this page book marked for when I feel like I am slipping and wanting to reach out to the man who said he didn’t want a relationship with me after 9 months. I hurt but I realize that there is no point trying to get him to see what I saw because he is that unavailable guy. Thank you for your site, it helps me be courageous when I don’t feel it at all but I am getting stronger every day.
Thank you so much 🙂 You ARE getting stronger every day and I believe in you. xoxo
when you pushed to become the one that got away…did any of these guys change their perspective of you or came back to apologize?
Yes, a lot of them did and a lot of them didn’t. It didn’t matter at that point because I had finally built back my self esteem by implementing boundaries. I reached indifference, peace and I accepted who these people had consistently proven to me, they were. Apologies are great, but at best they mean “I regret what I did.” And that’s really nice. Apologies don’t mean “I’ve changed.” Consistent actions do.
Thanks for reading Veronica! xoxo
Thanks so much. My break up was nine months ago, but it still hurt a lot. After I read your posts I realized so much about myself. I’m starting to heal and respect myself now. I just want to tell you that it’s great of you to share your experience and insight with us. Keep it up.
Yay! That makes me so happy to hear. Keep having your own back and act and make decisions in light of the respect, empathy and love that you have for yourself Sonja. Thank you! I promise to keep at it 🙂 XO
How do you recover when you find yourself falling off the white horse, and becoming the “crazy psycho ex”? how do you stop regretting what you did, losing your dignity, and what feels like to me all the grace and power that I had, even though he rejected me? When you simply lose control because it hurt so bad. I am struggling because I felt as though I was on this white horse, then I was not, and i was the crazy girl. How would you forgive yourself?
I love your blog, it is so helpful!
Hi Jackie, thank you so much 🙂 You can always get back on the white horse by making the decision to disengage (in all respects; even if you aren’t in communication), forgive yourself by taking care of you and having your own back. xo
I felt the same, I stayed on the white horse even when my ex dumped me on what was supposed to be our wedding day. I remained calm, didn’t go crazy, act out or even fight him. I felt if he wasn’t 100% about me it was a blessing in disguise. Then a month went by and I had become stronger and promised myself I wouldn’t contact him but he did the unexpected and kept trying to reach out and eventually he showed up at my house. He said he missed me and had to be with me- he texted me for a few days after that even made plans to see me again – only to pull
back, get freaked out and run away again. I wish I could say at that point I stayed on the white horse but I didn’t. I felt so angry that after everything he had already put me through he would then do this. Make it harder for me to move on again. I became so angry and hurt I said some things I regret. It is the hardest thing to accept because initially I felt I still had my dignity and now I feel like I left things on bad terms. I still believe it’s best to not contact him as it’s not healthy for me and learning to forgive yourself is difficult. Just keep reminding yourself of all the times that you forgave him without question and love yourself enough to do the same. XO, RC
It’s been 6 months since I’ve seen my ex. He contacted me and we spoke as friends, then he dropped me again. He cheated and finally dropped me for another woman. I can’t stop contacting him even though he’s blanked me for months. I have deleted his number, stopped looking at his social media, even asked him to block me! I feel like a complete psychopath and it’s made me feel so embarrassed that I still want to see and speak to him even after all of this. I should be better and know he’s in the wrong. What can I do to stop myself?
I just discovered your blog a few days ago after a break up with an ex. Reading through each post has helped me tremendously!
With my last few relationships, I’ve always been a firm believer of cutting them off. And, a few of them later came back saying I was “the one that got away.” You articulated the concept perfectly. Speaking with actions DOES volumes and it’s comforting to know that with this recent split, I did just that. And it was the right thing! Thank you so much for this!
Yes absolutely 🙂 Thanks so much Jenn! XO
This is amazing and i love you so much. Me and my ex broke up a couple months ago (over text because it was long distance) and i went crazy begging for him back even when i wouldnt get a response and eventually he did reach out to me saying he wanted to be friends and then after about a month after being “friends” it became clear he was uninterested again and wouldnt put in actual effor to be friends and now hes interested in someone else and it hurt a lot seeing him doing the same things to her he did to me but by cutting him off and refusing to be “friends” with him any longer i truly believe that he will realize that he cant just treat people badly and expect them to say and because im the first ex that refuses to be friends even if im not going to be the one that got away believing that i am is the first step!
Thanks Jean! I love you too sister 🙂 Just by doing what you did, you are the one that got away. You go girl. XO
Thank you for this site. For over a month, been going through a separation/breakup after a long term partnership of over 12 years. Somewhere, the go-getter, goal oriented, self-reliant, gal in me disappeared and this co-dependent creature took her place and I’m dealing. Make no mistake, “the guy” is not going without blame in this – he’s selfish. Has always been. And rather than deal with his issues by adulting, he self-medicates (alcohol), and the last year, it was becoming a HUGE issue to the point that the month leading up to my leaving the house, I became incredibly depressed and frustrated. I pretty much was giving up. And then, the “I’m ending this now” from him and me saying, will, nothing, I just walked out the door with a packed bag with no thought of what the hell I was going to do.
Its been painful. We have fur/feather kids that are all still at the house. And while at first, there was much anger and resentment (from the both of us), we’re being civil now and I’m coming by the house for visitation (I adopted the parrots, we both adopted the cats/dogs), once a week. Meanwhile, I’ve gotten a part time job at the gym where I use to train at (former competitive athlete, btw) and am starting to train again. And I’m moving full steam ahead in building my business (as an illustrator). And other opportunities have opened up for me, too. Both exciting and scary – which is an interesting cocktail, eh?
I’ve also discovered I have an AMAZING support network that I never knew existed! Its even worldwide. So many friends have been popping up to let me know that I can stay with them and rebuild my life. Options to move to other states and even, another country is available to me! Fantastic people are by my side! So, I continue to work on making ME A PRIORITY. Which seems has never been. Oh, but it will. And I thank you. I woke up this morning, feeling bummed, down…absolutely a deep shade of blue. But discovering your site and reading through, you’ve helped SO MUCH. THANK YOU.
Thank YOU so much for sharing Patricia! I’m so happy to hear that the blog has helped. You’re part of a tribe here and you’re never alone. You’re doing the right thing by having your back and taking care of yourself! You go girl. xxo
Thank you Natasha for your advice. I’m following it. I do think it’s giving me an immense amount of dignity instead of begging to be loved by somebody who cheated the entire course of our relationship and dated me for financial gain.
So happy it helped! Know your worth, never settle for crumbs, and just know that you are not alone <3 All my love to you.
I wish I knew how to be this strong, my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex girlfriend and mother of his son. He had told me he didn’t like their relationship and left her a number of times when they were together as he wasn’t happy. He told me he is going back to her because he wants a happy family and misses his children when he isn’t constantly around them. We had been together a little over a year and although I am angry and feel betrayed I miss him like mad. I miss our relationship and how I felt when I was with him, I miss being cared for and having someone to share a life with. I want to over this but I can’t seem to see the way through at the moment. I have to work in the same office as him which is difficult but unavoidable.
Your writings are inspirational, I just wish I could see myself getting to that ‘I don’t care’ point soon because at the moment all I want is for him to turn up at my door, tell me he loves me and that he wants me back.
Hi Sam! Thank you so much 🙂 You are not alone – you’re part of a tribe here and are loved and supported. You can achieve indifference by consistently having your back. I know it’s hard. xoxo
Hi Sam! Thank you so much 🙂 You are stronger and more beautiful than you even know. The quickest way to strength and indifference is by consistently having your own back. I know it’s hard. You’re not alone – you’re part of a tribe here and you’re loved and supported. Thx for reading & sharing XOXO
Aww Natasha your words keep me going still now 9 months on. Sometimes I ask myself, why do I want to be the one that got away? The girl he will never forget… I think deep down no matter how much of a relationshit it was ? It was real for me. You’re like a guardian angel that got sent to me just at the right time to help me through the pain of the end result of me. Even though the narcissist has a new girl , something tells me he will never forget this girl ?? The one that got away” X love Liv X
Hi Liv! I couldn’t agree with you more. By doing the one thing that he is incapable of doing (speaking with your actions), you automatically become “the one that got away.” This is because you have chosen to stay on your white horse and act in light of the love and respect that you have for yourself; dignity and awareness. Love you soul sister! Thx for the love. xxxxx
I know this is an old post, but I’ll try anyway. How long were you together, Liv? And did you not talk to him or contact him at all during those 9 months and after the breakup?
LOVE this, LOVE this entire site. You’re the best, Natasha! XO
Yay!!! Thanks Joan! 🙂 Love YOU soul sister xoxo
THANK YOU for your blog. I feel like I have read EVERY website about either how to get your ex back or how to move on from your ex, and your blog is the first to have felt truly helpful in helping me heal and feel good again no matter what happens, and reminding me to seriously question why I would be sad over or want someone back who I was miserable with and who left me because he had feelings for another girl. Thank you for reminding me that I am too smart, too strong, and too good to be hung up on a guy who hasn’t treated me right and isn’t sure about me.
Ana, you made my day! You are so right; I’m proud of you. Thank YOU for allowing me to see that I am not and was never alone in my experiences, anxieties feelings and pain. I did nothing but hold a mirror up to you through my writing and I’m so happy that you’re seeing the capability, strength and beauty that I see. You go girl. Thank you so much for the love, feedback and support soul sister XX
This site has helped me tremendously during the past few months post breakup. Thank you Natasha. Your articles have helped me feel less alone and have inspired me to change my thinking.
That makes me so happy to hear 🙂 Thanks Emily!! XOXO
I just have to say you are amazing. I’ve read a few of your posts over the past few days, and you have nailed it on the head. Thank you for writing and sharing. So authentic and empowering. And, yes, I’m a guy and think this stuff can apply to anyone.
Thanks Ryan! 🙂 That means so much to me xo
I feel like I was divinely guided to your wonderful site. I was recently involved with someone who has definite narcissistic traits. He decided he didn’t want to see me anymore after I brought up the “what are we” and “I want more” talk. I know it’s for the better, but even though we only saw each other for a few months (after a looong stretch of non-dating for me, so I was hungry for anything resembling love), I was completely hooked and now find myself playing the “crazy-ex” role, texting him constantly, going from “You’re a piece of s**t” to “I wanna be friends always”. He always played the silent treatment with me whenever we’d fight, and I always apologized even though it wasn’t my fault (at least not entirely) and he always came back, even though each time he invested less and less. I am resolving to no-contact him now after reading all your advice. At this point I feel I might have already ruined it with my “begging”, but just maybe…after a while of not hearing from me, it will have a greater impact BECAUSE he’s 100% used to me saying I’m never going to talk to you again, and then I text.
Anyway thank you loads for giving a voice to what we all are feeling, reminding us of what we know deep down but can’t remember when we’re blinded, and letting us know we really aren’t alone in this. You are awesome!!
It takes one to know one Tricia – you are a gem (& far from alone!). All my love to you soul sister! 🙂 x
Thank God for your blog. I wish I found it earlier. I know I have already embarrassed myself and ruined it all. I was in a long distance relationship with a guy, he wanted a family, we talked about me moving to his state and us getting a house together. I got pregnant and it all changed. I had severe hyperemisiss and was back and forth from the hospital for six months with a PICC LINE. This guy couldn’t find a day to come see me. He made excuses as to why he couldn’t see me.
He finally came to be there for me when I was going to have my baby. It was a scheduled induction. He left me in the middle of my labor saying he’s been there all day and so he needed to leave. He left me, although I begged him with everything that I got. My friends beg and begged but he left. He walked out on me on my labor bed without even saying good bye. I ended up having a csection. He showed up 3weeks later after my mother had to call and beg him to come see us.
I recently found out he was dating two of us and when I got pregnant, he decided to stay with her. He moved in with her, they bought a house together the month my child was born although he told me he was moving out of the country and that he doesn’t want to get married. I found out he got engaged to her while I was pregnant. He couldn’t take one day to visit me throughout my terrible pregnancy but had a whole week to go on vacation and get engaged to this woman.
I found out by Google he and a woman had a baby registry. I was devastated!!!! He was expecting a baby with her!!!! I found this lady on Facebook and sent her a message. I told her everything, obviously he hid us from her all along.
She had been with her all along and treated me and our son so bad just to make her happy. Left me in my labor just to go be with her!!!! ( I don’t think I can ever get over this pain )
He was angry at me for contacting the girl, told me he doesn’t want me anymore. I cried and cried, cried to his mu, his sisters and to him. He blocked my number and doesn’t want me texting or calling him anymore. I kept texting and calling because I wanted to talk to him. He refused. When he finally spoke to me, he told me he’s moved on and that I should move on.
I’m devastated, I still love him and want be with him. Although I know he doesn’t love me and doesn’t care about me. I is happy with her and has a beautiful family with her. He hid my son from everyone for all this while, but she had her baby and with enough two weeks, he has her on his profile introducing her to the world.
Mt heart is broken!!!! I am so hurt beyond words. The sad part is, I already humiliated myself and fell wayyyyyy off the “white horse”…..
How can I get back on the white horse, will he ever regret, miss me or show any remorse? I try to tell him how much he’s hurt me but he doesn’t even care!!!! I am very sad. Please help me. I’m depressed, can’t eat, lost so much weight. His family don’t even want to hear about me anymore because I ruined everything by contacting his new woman.
I wish that I could help, but I have too much to say to type it all out and not enough hands to type or hours in the day. This is why I cannot give specific advice in the comments. I’ll try to write a post soon that further explains this.
Thanks for the love, for reading and for your understanding.
You’re not alone XOXO
Thank you so much Natasha, I have been checking on here everyday to see what advice you may have for me. This guy has hurt me so much I cannot even express it. Your blog has been very helpful in helping me deal with it especially how not to further embarrass myself. I have been doing no contact for almost three week. I know he doesn’t miss me and wouldn’t even be bothered that I don’t contact him anymore. The sad part I, we have a son together but he won’t even check on him. I’m so hurt because he treated me so bad and refused to be in his sons life because he didn’t want her to find out about us.
I’m broken beyond words. I hope I can continue to do NO CONTACT for a very long time. The sad part is that, he seems to have changed and in a happy relationship and they have a new born all happy. He is showing the new baby off on whatsapp and Facebook but not even once did he post my son’s picture on his social media.
I will be looking forward to the post about how to deal with this all. Thank you so much for all you do.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this Linda… I know how it feels to be heartbroken beyond words as I am going through a similar situation after almost a year of our breakup… I hope things are better now…
God bless you and your little one…
I met this guy almost 15 years ago through mutual friends, had an amazing night, THE most amazing kiss (we both felt the same– best kiss ever) and spoke on the phone every day for about a month but due to a 4 hour distance, he said he just wanted to be friends with me and I was heartbroken. I wished him luck, we went our separate ways. Six months passed, he contacted me again but because I was still feeling hurt and not really trusting, we just briefly spoke (he picked up on my distrust) and we again, went separate ways. No drama… nothing. Fifteen years have passed and he still contacts me, still talking about the amazing night and kiss and how I ‘ruined’ him for other women. All I ever did was stay classy, no matter how much it hurts, you should never go ‘nuts’ on someone. Probably the only reason we haven’t gotten together is because I am now happily married to another man for 14 years. The way I always looked at it, I wasn’t the one who got away, I was the one he chose not to keep. I do wish him the best of luck, though. 🙂
Hello I am in a lot of pain and was hoping to get some advise and help with my situation?
My ex and I were together for 7 months and it was an instant connection. All was so good, we never fought and everything just fit so well. I am 32 and he is 31 and we did speak about the future and the fact that we would be together forever. I want kids so much and we spoke about this too and I felt like he was on the same level and we would hope to do this in the near future due to my age.
A month ago this Thursday he broke up with me saying that he didn’t know what he wanted and if we wanted the same things in life. He said he loves me more than anything but feels like he needs to be alone to sort himself out and if we are meant to be we will get back together. He said what we have is so special and doesn’t want to say goodbye forever but wants to give me my stuff back as he is reminded of my everywhere he looks. He also changed his status to single on facebook but is still following me on all social media stations.
A little bit about him – I am his longest relationship (7 months). He is scared of commitment. Before he met me he said that he had accepted the fact that he was just going to be alone forever as he never met anyone right for him and was just going to focus on his career and bettering himself… and then I came along and he was so in love with me. He told all of his friends and family that I was the one and treated me like a princess.
I cannot imagine him not coming back as it was so special and I know he truly loved me but I am so scared that he won’t 🙁
Do you think he will regret this and come back? Is there anything I can do to make this happen? I am not contacting him at all.
I would really appreciate any feedback or advice from Natasha or any other ladies?
Thank you so much xx
I wish that I could advise, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give specific advice/answers in the comments.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested.
All my love to you soul sister.
You’re not alone XOXO
Thank you lovely 🙂
I would love some coaching, can you please email me about this? email@example.com
I unfortunately cannot directly email you. If you are interested in coaching, you first would need to fill out the form on this page: https://postmalesyndrome.com/coaching/
Thanks! 🙂 xx
Your blog has really helped me. I’m struggling SO much after a 3 year relationship ending. Instead of trying to cyber stalk him (of course a bit, but luckily neither of us are huge fans of social media) I read about accepting break ups, why men behave the way they do, etc. I’m in no contact and just trying to love myself. Your blogs-I’m hooked. I really see now HOW MUCH I depended on his validation to feel happy. It has really grossed me out. I want to be the one that got away. I want him to really feel my absence. I am staying strong and reading reading reading your stuff. Thank you so much for such insight.
Hi Cassondra! I am honored to have helped 🙂 You are loved, believed in, supported and never, ever alone. All my love to you soul sis. xx
Hi Natasha. Great post and definitely one I come back to constantly as I am currently weathering the end of a 3.5+ relationship with an ’emotionally unavailable’ and ’empathetically bankrupt’ narcissist that cheated on me. I’ve cut off all communication and am committed to ‘staying on the white horse’.
I really think though you should write a post on what to do if you happen to fall off the white horse (e.g – forget to speak with your actions, react to your ex, contact him and/or sleep with him). I think it is important for people to hear that if they fall off the wagon in their healing that it isn’t the end of the world.
Just a thought 🙂
Thanks! I LOVE that topic. Will do! 🙂 xo
I needed this today. God I needed this!
I was so close to giving in and reaching out to my ex last night. I was up for most of the night sobbing more than I thought possible. I missed him so much. I started to regret everything that happened in our breakup (he cheated on me and on the night he confessed, he tried to have sex with me and dumped me when I rejected his advances). That was over two months and it has been HARD. I miss him so much and last night, I almost caved.
But then I read this post and kept repeating “stay-on-the-white-horse, stay-on-the-white-horse” as a mantra. I’m slowly getting my strength back and it is ALL because of this post.
Thank you so much!
I am so deeply honored to have helped <3 You did the right thing 🙂
You are not alone. XOXO
This blog is amazing. I read it every single day. The evenings and the weekends are the hardest because that is when I am the most haunted by him. I also know that he is out there on the weekends carrying on like I don’t matter. It has been so painfully, excruciatingly hard. I can’t remember a time where I have cried this hard for this long. We were together for almost 4 years and when we first met I was so new to the city. He wound up cheating and dumped me in the same night and as a result, I lost so much of my social circle. Now I feel like I am starting all over again and feel very alone. I’m starting to accept the huge void that has been left in my life.
But this blog is slowly saving me. Every time I feel like I’m going to cave, I come here. On nights when I can’t stop crying, I pull up a post from here and read. Slowly, verrry slowly, I’m starting to realize that I deserve so much better than what I tolerated. It has also made me start to realize why I get involved with emotionally unavailable guys. I’ve started to do some serious work on myself – cut out alcohol, hitting the gym, doing yoga and have booked a vacation for myself. I’ve also started to identify my lack of self love and am learning how to put up boundaries and, even though I still miss him like crazy, I’m slowly accepting that I was trying to make a cat bark.
Natasha, we have never met in person but if we did, you would probably get a big teary-hug from me. I’m not recovered (not even close yet) and am still going through the worst of it but after reading this blog, it gives me glimpses of the person I will become when I come out the other end of this.
Biggest thank you -seriously!
I hope that one day, I do get to give you the biggest, most teary and joy-filled hug in person. You’re GOING TO come out on the other side and until then… I’m right next you (we ALL are), every step of the way <3 Thank YOU. XOXO
Just wow! My trash took itself out about three weeks ago after 2 years…he lives in the same apartment building as me one floor down…he’s walked out on me in anger before, but this time was different…maybe he could finally sense that I was getting completely fed up with his bs…nonetheless, I still proceeded to blow up his phone with text after text practically begging him to reconsider and work it out with me because I loved him so much in spite of it all…Of course, with him being the narcissistic and emotionally unavailable person he is, he ignored all my texts, so I finally stopped…now as u predicted, he’s trying to lure me back, asking me to come down to his place to hang out, for which I’ve been politely refusing with no explanation as to why…Actions really do speak louder than words…he’s always ignored my words, and its about time he felt the consequences of him putting me through hell and back, and then walking out on me in such a cold hearted way…absolutely loving this white horse ride, and wouldn’t be able to be doing this without your support…so you just keep being the awesome person u are, and I’ll do the same…when the time is right, I’m sure the universe will bring me the awesome man I deserve, and there’s always the chance that he will change his evil ways, but I’m definitely not holding my breath…by the way, we were both musicians who played music together every night, but he’s missing that experience too, because it was a package deal…he who laughs last always laughs best…he chose life without me, so now he has to deal with it…it’s about time someone put him in his place…I was so much more than one of his groupies, and now he’s the one that has to deal with loss…while I’m gaining respect for myself, and learning how to set boundaries for myself…I will never allow a man to disrespect me again…thanks for being there for me just when I needed u the most…didn’t even know this tribe existed…lol…guess it proves the whole seek and ye shall find thing, huh…so grateful for my other guru, Google…
Thanks for being a part of this tribe Naomi 🙂 XOXO
It’s been 8 months since I broke up with my ex and at times, even to this day, I miss him. We dated for almost 2 years and we both were inseparable. I would miss his company and all the happy moments we shared as a couple. I would even cry because I know I still love him and how there is so many empty promises we both wanted to accomplish together like move in together at a different location to go to college together. We even had plans to get married in the future and start a family after we graduated, but now it’s a fantasy that may never happen. I remember I would beg and cry for him to stay, even after the unbearable hell he dragged me through, but I just thought I couldn’t live without him and that he was the one meant for me. As much as I am very sensitive towards these topics, I don’t show my feelings to anyone and I try to be strong. I will admit I did leave him 2 notes; 1 was left a month after we broke up where I told him I will be stronger and better off without him, and the 2nd note was sent 2 months ago where I was being petty and teased him a bit to make him jealous. After those 2 notes, I have completely cut him out of my life; I blocked him through some accounts.
These articles helped me at times when I’m down and my feelings for him get the most out of me. My ex cheated on me with his best friend and in the end, abused me, but I am learning to accept it as it is and that I have to let him go. During this dark time, I even learned to love myself and how to make myself happy by discovering who I really am and letting all my hard work do the talking itself. Since then I’ve been traveling, working long hours, going to the gym, and I made plans to move out to NYC and even study abroad in Paris soon. I would even go to parties and go out with my friends to have some fun. Also I did some daring things like getting tattoos and piercings, because afterwards I was happy with how brave I have become. I assume this is where I am “getting on the white horse” lol.
Word from his friends and mine, is that he isn’t himself anymore recently and that he hasn’t been focused on anything since we broke up. Sometimes he would even stalk me on snapchat and facebook. I only saw him once since then and he seemed so miserable to see me that it actually made me feel superior to him. Especially since I was all dressed up wearing my best perfume and heels. He just stared at me as I talked to his friends and ignored him. It felt so good having my little revenge against him.
Now I am a completely changed woman and I am grateful that this once meaningful relationship ended because if it wasn’t for the hard pain he caused me, I wouldn’t be accomplishing all these goals that I always wanted to do. I am finally happy and in the end it’s just me, myself, and I. I love myself. And for all the ladies who think they have a hard time getting over their ex, trust me it gets better at some point down the road. You’ll be happy and finally move on from this painful event. You’ll eventually be “the one that got away” as time goes by, making you stronger. Just have faith! 🙂
KEEP IT UP WITH THESE ARTICLES! THEY HELPED ME MOVE ON, BE STRONG WHEN I AM WEAK, AND SEE THE BRIGHT SIDE OF THIS LOSS. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!
How do you redeem yourself acting like a crazy person. I have consistently texted, called and even turned up uninvited a few times in the last 4 months. now he sees me as the crazy ex. How do i change this? Not to get back with him but for myself?
I can’t give advice on the comments section (I wish I had the time! Thank you for understanding!). I would say from here on out, just speak with your actions and do not engage at all. Stick to that long enough and you will turn it around 🙂 Sorry, I wish that I could elaborate! xx
So my ex and I broke up, I was the crazy, psycho ex-gf. I wasn’t speaking to him for more than a week but I fell of my white horse a few days ago and broke no contact.. I decided not to talk to him again, what are the chances of me being the one that got away? Will I still be able to after my decision of falling off the white horse?
Yes just make the decision now to start new and speak with your actions. You’ll be right back on 🙂 xo
Natasha I am so Happy finding this Post here and reading all the comments below are my place to come back to when I feel alone.
I fall of my white horse nearly every time we see each other at home and even when I say that I am feeling good because I finally do stuff that is good for me I feel like failing – because he knows I am not good. I never scream or try to play some kind of mind games. I often just express how I feel and maybe sometimes what is going on in my mind at this moment. Sometimes I try to be silent and it’s not working. But instead of beating me up I try to tell myself: That was not the best you could have done but that is okay. You are on your way and you’ll make it. I know that I am not good at all, missing him so much and can’t stop thinking about him and sometimes when we see each other I tell him. The difference this time is: I am aware of it. I get crazy but there are times where I feel good, relaxed and as if I can handle my life on my own. I never had that feeling before, I ALWAYS felt like sh*t no matter what I did. This is all due to your blog and the support from this tribe here.
It’s like a rollercoaster and change will not come over night and sometimes I just wanna go back in a relationship because it hurts so much and I am afraid of being alone and never find someone.
But this time I finally have HOPE I can be that amazing person.
Thank you so much!
You CAN be that amazing person because you already ARE Marleen.
I am so happy and honored to help 🙂 Thanks for your love and support! x
Hi Natasha! Do you think if you have fallen off your white horse once you can still be the girl that got away if your committed to it? I can’t believe I fell off after 3 months. I never expected it and it’s hard to digest. I really wanted to not be the psycho and I feel like I am now. I hope I can regain that title again.
Hi Alysha! Yes I do 🙂 Read this if you haven’t already: https://postmalesyndrome.com/what-to-do-when-you-fall-off-the-white-horse
I know it’s hard. I have been there, but don’t beat yourself up. Just get right back on and make a comitted decision to stay on for good. If I can do it, so.can.YOU.
You got this sister and I am right beside and behind you 100%. Believe in my belief in you. xox
Natasha-you truly have a gift of putting into words what the heart is feeling. Five months ago I ended things with my five year ‘almost relationship.’ Thank you so much for creating a place that gives REAL talk…no fluff, just the honest human feelings we all feel. I’ve come back to your website almost daily and reread certain posts multiple times, each read giving me a new sense of clarity, peace, and direction of acceptance. I always considered myself a good read of people…but with him, I never could figure him out. After reading your blogs, I clearly see he is emotionally unavailable with narcissistic tendencies. And I’ve also been able to get real with my own triggers and what drew me to a person like that. I see now that what I thought was PASSION and CHEMISTRY was truly just the positive spin I took on the INSECURITY that he kept me in by consistently being hot and cold. It’s funny how chemistry and insecurity can give you the same type of feeling in your gut, the only difference is how your mind wants to twist it good or bad. Keep doing what you’re doing and thank you again!
Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out 🙂
Also – THANK YOU for your love, connection, support, for being a part of this tribe, and for just being you.
I am so happy and honored to help in any way.
Hopefully one day I can give you a big hug in person. xoxo
Your opinion on staying on your white horse when she says she wants to “slow down” or “go slower”? Not entirely no contact but maybe a 1/3 of the weekly contact and always about light topics, shorter in length and not about “us”. Just normal get to know each other talk
I searched and couldn’t find a article about how to “go slower” because what does that truly mean? No one knows for sure. My default when I heard “lets slow down” was always to pull back and communicate less but not completely cut them off. Because we knows if it’s a game or not.
At the end of the day, communication is a two way street, if you’re not texting/calling/DMing me but are receptive to my contact, at some point it’s time to cut it off.
Thanks for the good article
I love this topic and will definitely try to write a post about this soon 🙂 Slow down can be a good thing if the reasons for wanting to slow down are clear and not ambiguous or nonsensical in ANY way. I agree with you about communication. Thank you so much for your love and support. It means everything to me.
Wow. This article is an eye opener. It’s been a week since my ex husband left me abruptly and said he doesn’t love me anymore and blamed me for causing that. I am still picking up the pieces of my broken heart. He still acts he cares about me and asks where I go. What an *ss! I will read rjis article everytime I am feeling down. Thanks Natasha.
You are SO worth it and I am so happy and honored to help in any way. You are not alone in this (or ever). Thank you for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you. xoxo
Post Male Syndrome
Commenting here so I don’t make a mistake and do something irrational elsewhere (like via text). I’m currently “breaking up” with an Almost Relationship as I type this, though he’s not responding back (which is typical).
I believe I’ve determined he’s either a classic commitment phobe or an avoidant personality. He refuses to commit, saying he’s not ready. He refuses to call me his girlfriend, saying that’s a “forever commitment” that he can’t make. But he tells me I’m the only one he’s considered living with in X years? And we’re supposedly not dating other people and not sleeping with others?
I’ve wondered for several weeks why things just haven’t felt right. My gut feeling told me something was amiss, but I tried rationalizing away the red flags. I’ve wondered why I felt “crazy” after sharing my feelings only to have him retreat and blow cold for days. He insisted I share EVERYTHING I felt about him, which I now recognize was to inflate his ego, NOT to bring closeness to the Almost Relationship.
We only communicate on his terms now. Only via text anymore (even though we both insisted it’s the least enjoyable way to communicate) and only when he finds time to respond back to me.
No more. I’m out, bro!
Proud of you for knowing your standards, your worth, and ACTING on that knowingness. xoxo
Honestly I read this article every single morning. I fell in love with an immature emotionally unavailable man” from a totally different culture and in the end he was threatening me .. not only i felt despite being still in love emotionally destroyed but also physically i was scared. when i realised he was cheating he denied everything and turned against me the one thing from my past that hurted me for a year .. my ex that he is still jealous that i ever had someone before him and i deserve now that he acts like this. We both going to be doctors soon and i still bump into each other often at the uni , he doesnt even say hi act like i dont exist and talks bad about me to everyone for standing up for myself. I still feel guilty for standing up for myslef and i did humiliate myself many times but i finally start to feel better thanks to you . I cant say how grateful i am. Do you think its okay if i totally forever cut off contact, never even talk to him in public even at the end when we graduate? i feel like i am only safe if i stay away from him.
xoxo love from Europe
I am just as grateful for you Julie 🙂 We all are. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. xx
This article was the best i ve ever read and the most helpful at the same time. i ll read it every morning. Despite the fact that my ex abused me emotionally and threatened physically as well i still feel guilty so etimes. I humiliated myself terribly in the end and sometimes i feel guilty for not apologizing for reacting but i know he is dangerous for me. Do you think is it okay if i keep no contact forever? we study at the same place , we have practices at the hospital together but still i cant even look at him. he also acts like i dont exist and never happened except for talking about me in a bad way to everyone. Do you think its fine if i leave this thing broken without a solution? I feel like i cant talk to him ever again even if feeling guilty.
thank you so much xoxo
Love you too! xo
I’ve been spending the last couple days reading these posts and other people’s experiences. They make me feel less lonely and I find strength and comfort in them, so thank you, everyone. <3
I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years three days ago. After being given innumerable silent treatments, sh*t tests and ignoring me when my grandmother was diagnosed with a neurodegenerative illness, he told me he is donating his 50 year old sperm so a single female friend could have a baby. He expected me to stay with him. I asked him if he was just going to donate and live his life or if this child is going to be a presence in his life. He couldn't tell me, so I shut it all down. I simply can not do this anymore. I can't be with him knowing another woman is having his baby and people are calling me selfish for this. Why is he allowed to do what he feels is right for him, but I am not?
Anyway, I am determined to be the "one who got away," not for him but for myself. I have blocked him everywhere. The heart can't feel what the eyes can't see. I don't need to see birth announcements or ultrasound scans on social media.
I have created a montage of screenshots for me to look at for every time he insulted me or belittled me IF I ever feel like I want to contact him. I am really angry with myself for staying so long.
I am incredibly late to the party. I wish I had all this information before my divorce and before my ex started dating a woman 2 days after our divorce was fine- while I still lived in the house with him. This is a ridiculous question, but when is it to late to start being the one who got away?
I am incredibly late to the party. I wish I had all this information before my divorce and before my ex started dating a woman 2 days after our divorce was final- while I still lived in the house with him. This is a ridiculous question, but when is it too late to start being the one who got away?
I’m late coming here but reading this today was literally life changing. I’ve never seen it put like this, and I’ve needed it.
I’m around someone everyday, who disrespect me every.day. Usually when he has an audience.
I’ve loved him for years and tolerated his bs because I loved him, because I made excuses for him, and thought I was taking the high road for being so understanding all the time.
I kind of have to be around him every day but this has gotten so bad I’ve been considering leaving the world we built together.
Today I read this and let it sink in. When I was on a break instead of being around him I went outside for fresh air and sat in the grass and read this again.
I don’t get paid to do what I do (coach a sport), my time is volunteer. Tonight was the last straw but instead of being emotional about it I just felt cold. And he felt it. I walked away, and he has reached out to me a few times tonight and apologized for his disrespect, but I dont even want to talk to him or be around him.
I finally stood up for myself with my actions, never before understanding the difference or how to do it.
Thank you ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
YES!!! So proud of and happy for Kat <3 Thank YOU for being you and for being a part of this tribe.
All my love to you sister. xo
This article was life changing but i feel like i read it too late and i already commited all the post breakup mistakes thats possible . Since the breakup happened after6 years together via text and we never met again well u can imagine i sent minimum 3 texts throught the year following the breakup expressed my sadness and pain and he didnt react quite good… he asked to meet but i wasnt ready then he got so furious he blocked me everywhere. i feel like i made so many mistakes that i will never be the one that got away and i am afraid his new gf is better than me ( ofc its stupid what i am saying i mean its not the fact tht she is better that would bother me its more like that after everything he did he again ended up with a kind hearted girl)
Do you think its possible to be the one that got away after i humiliated myself? 🙁
I am so glad that the post was a bit helpful for you <3 I wish that I had the time to directly advise here in the comments (thank you so much for your kindness and your understanding). But yes, I do think that it is possible and will try to write more about this soon (thank you for the topic recommendation!).
I know it feels like you made all the mistakes but remember, it takes two and he did as well.
Can't wait for you to read my upcoming book; it will help. I love you and you are not alone. xxxxx