“How To Get Over Someone Who Broke Your Heart” – yourself included.
This is one of the most important posts I’ve ever written. Not because I’m going to teach you how to get over someone who broke your heart with some obvious, already heard and played-out advice, but because it deals with something that I recently experienced.
Something that I am still feeling my way through the heartbreak, acceptance, and shame of.
The only difference between right now and years ago is that in the past, I would have allowed my feelings associated with this experience to completely paralyze me.
The grip of that paralysis would remain, until I was reduced to someone that I had no choice but to hate, punish, sabotage, and disrespect.
Now, those feelings manifest in a much different way.
This doesn’t mean that I no longer feel the pain associated with them. I actually feel pain on a much deeper and more constructive level now. I’m no longer excited to put the bandage of avoidance on the cancer of my insecurities.
The pain hurts but it doesn’t metastasize like it used to.
In fact, it’s not even cancer anymore. It doesn’t claim its own zip code and build a home for my fears to reside in and rule.
Today, I always make sure to feel my pain to the point of it propelling me into action.
Action that’s rooted in having your own back is the only purpose your pain is ever meant to have.
So, I decided to take action in the best way I know: here, with all of you.
A few years ago, I waved the white flag to everything but the red and pink ones all around me. I gave into my fears and gave up on myself. I had absolutely no direction, friends, or purpose.
I wanted to die but I didn’t ever attempt suicide. I was too scared of trying to kill myself, failing at that too, and risking a life where I would be in a vegetative state; dependent on the family I was trying to prove wrong.
I needed an “ending” though. I was done.
The friends that I had never understood. They were only in it for themselves and wouldn’t do one fraction of the things for me that I had done (and was still doing) for them.
Most of my family labeled me as “too sensitive.” They got closer to other family members who had done things to them that if I did, I would have been crucified for.
I didn’t understand. ALL I had ever done was try so hard.
- What had I done that was so wrong?
- Why were family members, classmates, boyfriends, coworkers, bosses, and friends always so disappointed in me?
- Why did it always feel like they knew something about me that I didn’t yet know?
- WHY was I never in on the joke?
- Why was my chain so easy for everyone to yank?
- Why was there always drama revolving around me?
- HOW could they just stop talking to me without any explanation when ALL I did was explain my every move to these people?
- When it came to knowing how to get over someone, I had no clue. I was still missing my ex one year after our breakup.
I was a good person. All I had done was allow them, with all the love in my heart, to exploit my disease to please. I was the first one there when they needed me. I was the first one to bail them out, to listen to their problems, to send them money I didn’t have, and to help in any way I could. What was I doing that was so bad? I needed to know. I knew that they loved me deep down. I knew it in my bones. So, I asked them what was up.
And this is what I learned…
- Don’t ever seek an explanation from the person who broke your heart. Ever. This rule can never be broken.
- If you’re dealing with an emotionally unintelligent and toxic person, asking them “why?” is as pointless as demanding that a defenseless child go ask “why?” to the bully that just spit on them in the cafeteria.
- If you’re dealing with a person who has proven to have the capacity to dishonor, deceive, and hurt you, they are never, I repeat never, going to have the capacity to empathize with you in the way that you want and deserve.
- You should never seek an explanation when it comes to abuse, toxicity, or negative people that bring you down in any way. You should always ACT on their bullsh*t by cutting emotional and/or physical contact with them right away. More about that to come.
- This one was very hard for me to learn: Just because someone is related to you or you have a long history with them, that doesn’t give them a special pass.
- My whole life, I had overly felt people’s INTENTIONS – especially when it came to family members and lovers. I knew that their intentions weren’t bad and that deep down, they loved me… But I always ended up short-changed and heartbroken in the end. I realized that family, lovers, and friends can love me with all their heart and never intend to hurt me… but you can’t continue to put up with other people’s dysfunction just because of an intention that you know deep down is there, but that their actions simply do not match.
I was NOT the victim here. Remember – Your boundaries and tolerations go hand-in-hand. You will only tolerate people who treat you no worse than you are ALREADY treating yourself. My problem was that I was allowing the good intentions of others (because we had a history, they were related to me, I knew they weren’t a “bad” person, they were nice to other people, etc.), to fog my vision in regard to the hurtful dysfunctionality of their actions.
How does intention hold ANY merit if it negates ACTION? We need to stop giving perceived intention so much power.
This is why I had a hard time knowing how to get over someone that I loved.
I was investing my emotional and physical time in people who were anchors. The moment I wanted to cut the anchor (implement healthy boundaries), I felt guilty.
I have a very close family member who I can say without a doubt, loves me with all of his heart. He’s also emotionally unavailable and his inability to communicate makes me question my value and feel terrible about myself.
I spent my entire life riding on the belief of his good intentions. This not only made his actions that much more incomprehensible and painful, but it made me THAT MUCH MORE THIRSTY as an adult for friends and romantic partners who were just as unavailable. I needed these people to validate me so that I could invalidate the pain that he had caused.
BOTTOM LINE: I was plagued with guilt and surrounded by people who although may not have been “bad people,” they were bad for me.
So… I snapped.
I gave up. I surrendered to the relational defeat. I surrendered to the never-realized dream of superficial perfection. I surrendered to not being chosen, to not being heard, not being “right,” not being popular, and not “winning.” I said to myself, “These people will never be who they either initially presented themselves to be or who blood ties and fairy tales dictate that they are SUPPOSED to be. I lost. I’m dropping out of this dysfunctional nightmare. I’m done.”
And the moment that I surrendered to defeat and took that “L,” that was the moment the universe showed me what I had really won in the process of that loss.
I moved to a different city, changed my number and went totally off the grid (I’m not saying that this is what you have to do, this is just what I did). People thought I had gone nuts. And who doesn’t love to keep tabs on a perceived train wreck? I ignored it all because for once in my life, I didn’t care.
Little by little, I started to actually sleep better. My health got better – emotionally and physically. I then became more protective of my progress than I was interested in scratching the mosquito bite of my triggers.
I started to feel my feelings through writing.
In the process of ridding my life of the cynical audience members that used to surround me, the cynical audience in my head became less and less influential until it dwindled down to an every-now-and-then nuisance that I could tell at any time to f*ck off (by staying on my white horse).
I was no longer afraid.
I created this blog in the process of that and never gave up. Little by little, I started to attract people in both my personal life and around the world who became the family and friends I always wanted and never had.
All of you kept showing me that I wasn’t alone and that I was making a difference. So, I kept going. I’ve connected to clients and readers more than I’ve connected to most of the people I am related to. Our connection is not a lazy one. It is the most intimate and meaningful connection there is – Connection through feelings of pain that do everything to trick us into thinking we better keep quiet because we are alone in them.
We are conditioned to want love, validation, support, and encouragement from the kind of people who will never be able to give it to us. Sadly, these people can be related to us.
We tie our value to it. We put our health on the line for it. We live for it.
And that’s when I realized exactly how to get over someone you love.
Knowing how to get over someone you love is not about some magical formula or a mantra. It’s about identifying the love that you DO have and the good that IS there. No matter how small or seemingly insignificant it is. It’s about holding onto that for dear life and realizing that if you’re going to let anything define your worth, you better allow THAT to define it instead of the lack.
It’s also about cutting contact. And that’s why I created this course. I wanted to redefine what no contact means to me and what it’s done for me. I am in No Contact with people I see and interact with every day. It’s not always about cutting physical contact. It’s about cutting emotional contact too. Not so you become this emotionally void statue, but so you can become more available to those who are just as available to you. It’s so you can disempower the pull of unavailable people and start to become attracted to what’s good for you.
Trying to figure out how to get over someone who treated you with respect, empathized, and communicated clearly is tough enough. It’s the worst thing EVER. It’s excruciating.
In my experiences though, I’ve found that trying to get over toxic people is even harder – which is so strange. Isn’t it?
Shouldn’t the fact that…
- You were treated like crap.
- Your mental health came at the expense of this person’s selfish agenda.
- This person was able to rationalize deceit, betrayal, and put their selfish agenda ahead of you, your trust, and your heart.
- You were demoted to a personal doormat WHILE they got their needs met.
- This person was not consistent.
- They were selective in their level of love, honesty, empathy, and respect.
- They made you second guess yourself and your value.
Shouldn’t ALL the above make it THAT MUCH EASIER to move on and get over someone?
Wouldn’t all the above allow indifference to this person, their bullsh*t, and whatever chain yanks or crumbs they may throw your way become so much easier to achieve? No. Why? Because to be in a relationship of any kind with this person, your self-esteem needs to be compromised and as long as your self-esteem is compromised, you will always hold out for what these people do not have in their possession to give: commitment, empathy, and communication. And you’ll always get swept away by the only thing that they are masters at creating: a distorted reality.
Only give your emotional time and energy to people who are genuinely interested and invested in you through actions that don’t betray their words. LISTEN to people’s patterns (which are made up of their actions) first. It will tell you everything you need to know.
And remember – you can’t fully listen to anyone’s actions until you’re willing to listen to your own. Make the committed decision to do better because you ARE better and DESERVE better. What you’re feeling is NORMAL. We are conditioned to want that which is in limited supply. And it’s fine if you’re talking about an exotic car or a pair of designer shoes, but NOT about things like maturity, honesty, empathy, and humanity.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your breakup, please look into working with me here.
I don’t think I can even begin to explain how on time this post was for me, when after whining on the phone to my aunt today (something in the shape of ‘heeeeelp it’s been 1.5 years and I’m still emotionally tied to him’ and she says ‘he just really let you down didn’t he’) – you sent THIS to my email just about an hour later. Waaaahh! And you have no idea how many sentences in this post were like live taken Q&A out of this convo I had with her over the phone.
You mind reader <3 I might not know you personally but I feel the love SO MUCH. I pray I've got this much strength when I do get through my issues to help others like you do.
And God, you must be a busy bee at the moment! And you still drop posts like bombs full of love and I am so thankful every time, you have no idea how much I appreciate you finding time to write them and lift me up.
About to make a major move in my life too and start fresh.
Love always! <3
I feel the love too 🙂 Thanks from the bottom of my heart. I’m so happy that the post helped. You have that same strength and more.
And because of the pain, trauma, heartbreak, and so much more that you’ve been through, you’ll be able to help, heal, and reach so many. One of my favorite quotes: “You don’t have to be completely healed to help others, but by helping others, you will heal completely.”
You are just as loved and believed in sister.
All my love to you. xxxx
Speechless every time. Thank you for sharing your heart sister
Love you soul sis 🙂 xoxo
I enrolled in your course. I have not yet begun and I already feel great
Thank you thank you thank you thank you a million times
Love love love love love lots lots of it
Thank you THANK YOU Meg :)! Please tell me how you are liking it after you begin. Love and miss you. My Mom sends her love too. xoxo
Thank you, Natasha. You have saved me from myself. Because of your words and guidance I have started to change my behavior towards myself and others. I couldn’t have done it without you. All my love.
Sarah, I am in tears. You saved you – I am just so honored to have held the mirror up until you saw the beauty, capability, resillience, strength, and courage that has been there all along.
I love you soul sister. Thanks for being YOU – just as you are. xx
Thank u Natasha for this one! Bang on! “Give ur emotional time to only those interested in u…”
I know how unfair I am being with myself…I have been wasting my time on an emotional unavailable man who seriously doesn’t deserve me in any way but still like u said, with a compromised self esteem, I keep giving excuses to his BS…
I can’t cut him off physically…but I guess it’s time to severe all emotional contact. There are times when I feel strong, motivated and fueled to give this f*tard a run of his money but there are times, many times when I go weak and go back to him n come back beating myself up coz he doesn’t stop to reveal to me what he is time n again…
I am ashamed that today is one such day…I didn’t meet him for a month and he asked to see me…my birthday being on Saturday I thought that may be…so I succumbed.
He came, empty handed as usual and emotionally void as well just to spend some relaxing time with me being the doormat…he neither talked about my birthday nor made any plan as well…he took it for granted that I have to entertain him! The “doormat and disease to please “ in me got the upper hand and he won again…
Right now I am feeling down coz I cried in front of him…I am so ashamed and upset for turning myselg into such a cheap commodity coz he never empathized and just stared blankly at me like a statue…
I dunno when I will get a grip of myself and get my life back on rail but I know I need to stop and it was enough! I hope I get the strength to snatch my pen from his hand and start to write my own story.
Thank u again for this post. Thank u all who are commenting…it’s a relief to know I am not alone.
You are not alone. Been there done that again and again :(…… But I am still standing and improving inch by inch……i totally understand what you are feeling and going thru.
Stay strong…… I am rooting for you….. We all are…….
You are never alone Hemlan. I’m so happy that the post helped! 🙂 Love you. x
This could not have come at a better timing for me personally. For the last two years I’ve followed PMS it have led to so much more love, insight and knowledge in me. And as a result I’ve attracted so many available friends that myself from two years ago couldn’t phantom to have. I feel like I’ve gone through so much of the same as you with both friends, close family members and exes.
Right now I’m still learning to let a former fucktard go (we only dated a few months earlier this year, but he had such an impact on me that it has been hard to totally let him go and move to indifference). I bought the no contact contract course and can’t wait to work through the rest of the bs and pain and finally let it go and actually live my life again.
Also loved how you said in this post that you can be in no contact with someone even though you are in physical contact with them and I feel like I’ve managed to do that with a close family member of mine, and it has led to so much less pain in interacting with them.
Feel like I could just keep on writing, but I just want to say thank you so much Natasha for PMS, the courses, and all the love and connection you’ve made here. Love you soul sister! Xx
I love you too soul sis 🙂 I hope that you are liking the course so far. Thank you for sharing and affiming that none of us are alone. I’m so glad that the post was helpful.
Thanks for being my family – Can we please meet one day soon? Love you. xx
Would love to meet up one day soon! ??
We will and I can’t wait 🙂 xoxo
Thank You Natasha! For about a 1 1/2 years I have been a part of this group and it has helped me make changes in my life. I have read older articles and reread many of the current ones and found that they became part of me and how I saw myself and others. I share your words and direct people to this site so many times because you have a way of getting to the heart of a topic that makes it easy to understand and start applying. The post today was spot on with where I am. Getting over a F**ktard is a process because the real work is on yourself for allowing and being a person who attracts them to your life. It is so encouraging to to have someone be able to put in words the answers to the questions that come late at night and cause no sleep. The website is great and will help so many to finally be the person they always needed to be for themselves.
1 1/2 years? 🙂 I’m all smiles and wish I could put my gratitude into words.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe and for being a sister on a soul level. You, your support, sharing my work with anyone in need… I can’t thank you enough. Mostly for just being YOU.
I love you and you’re never, ever alone. x
You are not alone. Been there done that again and again :(…… But I am still standing and improving inch by inch……i totally understand what you are feeling and going thru.
Stay strong…… I am rooting for you….. We all are…….
Thanks for ur support this. I wish I can say I am improving but I am not sure coz one day I am so strong n the confident woman I have always been n the next day my insecurities get back to me and I find myself back to square one. I hope one day comes that I get back the person that I was, the one who got robbed of her identity by a man who has been and is still reckless with my heart
I LOVE seeing this LOVE! Thanks Meg 🙂
Thank you for this. It’s been a hard day because it’s the f’tards birthday. First one in 6 years where I’m not with him. He has his new girl down for the weekend 🙁
I wish we could all meet up!
Natasha do you ever do group sessions or seminars? I think id travel to USA just to join in! Xx
I’ve been there LJ. I know it’s hard – we are all here for and with you.
AWWW YES! I would love that 🙂
I will be doing that soon and if your subscibed to the PMS email, you’ll get updates when I do. Can’t wait to give you a big hug in person one day soon! xxxx
Natasha – I love what you wrote about the role that our perception of our ex’s intention plays in the goat rodeo we (may) create for ourselves when we’re hurt. Looking back, the biggest obstacle I faced when initially trying to move on from this kind of disappointment has been my belief that my ex was well-intentioned. Because, the thinking went, if my ex had good intentions then the reason for the relationship dysfunction/ending must be me. And that sort of reasoning gives us an excuse to keep our self-esteem compromised and to become professional closure hunters.
What this post made me realize is that even IF my belief was correct that she had good intentions deep-down, that belief is irrelevant because of the mismatch between her actions and her intent. I’ve said to friends when describing my recent breakup “she has such a big heart.” I think I used that as an excuse to stay invested, and to ignore the deplorable events that I witnessed.
No more! I realize that without congruence between actions and intent, the intent doesn’t matter. The death of a dysfunctional relationship is not a criminal proceeding, so I need not waste time searching for a motive. And I’m never going to understand other people well enough to know their motives. All we have to go on is what other people do, we don’t need to know why they did it/whether they’re good people, etc. Thanks for shining a light on this for me!
Hello Brandon. You articulate what I have been trying to work out in my head for a year. Thank you for sharing and reminding me about actions and intentions. It speaks volumes. Thank you and be well.
Thank you Linda!
You have summarised 8 months of pain and anguish into 2 paragraphs.
I am so grateful to have found this website; and to have read your comment, Brandon.
It is easy to become accustomed to thinking that you are the only person in the world that could possibly be struggling with something so difficult and dealing with this kind of experience.
I’m sorry you’re struggling Lauren. Know that you’re not alone and that you’re in the right place to repair yourself. Reading Natasha’s work has been so helpful and transformative for me and I hope you have the same experience. Take care.
RIGHT? Thank you so much Brandon <3
I cannot tell you how much this post means to me. Thank you
I can’t begin to tell you just how much YOU and your love/support/connection. Mean to ME! Thanks for being a part of this tribe, E! xo
I can so much relate to this- finding the excuses for him and believing that I am the one who is lacking somewhere. He would be reckless with my feelings and all I would say is – he is a good person just clumsy coz he haven’t had a loving childhood.
Wish u all the best and let’s stay strong and try to help and support each one in this tribe with our own insight and experiences and that of others.
Thank you Hemlan! It’s nice knowing that we’re not alone and that there’s so much support within the tribe. Wishing you the best as well.
YES YES YES YES YESSS! Brandon, you have no idea how many people you have and will continue to help by sharing what you just did. I have experienced the exact same and the way you articulate is just so beautiful and true.
I have said it before and I’ll say it again – I love you with all my heart. Thank you for being here.
Thank you, from the depths of my being. The power and support you give is exhilarating! ??????
Love you sis 🙂 xo
This post came into my inbox about 30 minutes after I found out through Instagram that my ex is now officially in a relationship with the girl he overlapped me with. Now she’s meeting the family too and becoming a part of the world where I was existed. I was at work and couldn’t help myself from breaking down in tears.
Sometimes it’s really hard for me to understand why the most undeserving people always get exactly what they want, whereas the people who treated that person well – with respect, compassion, loyalty and understanding – are the ones who mourn, feel the pain, are single AF, and sad. I’m hoping, and I wonder if you agree, that eventually the karma will come back around and show that those who never mourn and move on immediately are those who suffer the most in the long run, whereas those like me who feel the pain, are setting ourselves up for so much better.
Your blog has given me so much peace and I’m so glad I have found a distant yet connected friend in you and the community shared here. Thank you thank you thank you for always being there when I need you.
Girl, nearly the same thing happened to me.
Overlapped = ZERO work done on himself
My ex was stringing my replacement along, then hurt her, tried to get me back, made no real effort so I told him bye bye and now hes back to stringing her
along. Only none of this was done too publicly because he’s a smartass who doesnt like others watch him fail.
Sit back and relax. Watch karma get him, I’ve already been there and let me tell you, those are not happy men and neither are they enough for a relationship with someone who wants deep connection if they are able to overlap – disconnected, selfish and VERY insecure. He might well try get back with you but trust me when I say you’ll know better by then.
Hope you enjoyed my findings haha!
<3 stay strong sister
Anja – your reply made my day! (rough night last night trying to sleep with the newfound news). It’s funny because similar to you, there were a few months when we were working on getting back together too, and he did the same with her – kept her around. When I found THAT out is when I left him for good and moved west. I hear you on the “none of this was done publicly” part — it’s all heartbreaking. I’m trying my best to keep everything in check and stay strong.
So sorry you’re having trouble sleeping, I know it all too well, it’s like we’ve gone through the exact same thing! Time really does help, deep inside you know you’ve dogged a bullet at the right time if this is how he treats women (my blood boils when I see men playing with them like toys, sooo selfish).
She will find out too at some stage!
And soon you’ll be happy you opened the door for someone much better 🙂
LOVE THIS! YES! Thanks Anja 🙂
Hello Sara. I often wonder the same thing about karma. I just think sometimes we see karma and sometimes we do not. I wish I knew what me ex experienced but maybe it is better. Just keep reading and following Natasha. The best karma/revenge and progress is working on you nd staying respectful of yourself. Strive to be strong and classy. That is what I am doing as best as I can. The perso you are with is a reflection of you and clearly the person who hurt you was not. Be well and hold your head up. ?
You said it better than I ever could. Thanks Linda 🙂 xoxo Agreed!
Thanks so much for sharing. Your comment really resonated with me – I, too, often wonder why we end up “suffering” while they seem to so easily move on and frolic with the next without a care in the world. On top of that, I have also spent an embarrassing amount of energy waiting / hoping / expecting my ex’s current relationship to fail in order to validate that everything I saw, experienced, felt, and think I now know about him was right, that I wasn’t somehow less than (I’m working on this).
But we have to think – if someone is constantly jumping from relationship to relationship, while constantly leaving hurt and destruction in their wake, can that person be right with themselves? Do truly happy people turn around and hurt / discard / disrespect / mess with the minds of / trample the hearts of others? These are emotionally-devoid, surface-level people who rely on a steady dose of external validation as their life support. If that’s happiness, no thanks!
Can you imagine what must be going on inside if they cause so much pain and can’t even bring themselves to stop, self-reflect, take accountably, learn, grown, evolve, do better (everything that WE here in this tribe are now doing)? You’ve lived through it – you saw this person take off their mask and reveal who they truly are. I imagine it’s not a very fun existence to have to pretend, manipulate, and deceive people in order to get through the days. Sounds exhausting, actually.
So, while the situation may SEEM unfair, remember that we have been given the gift to stop, fix the things that aren’t right with ourselves, and to move forward as better, more-evolved, badass, white-horse-riding individuals. We’ve been given Natasha, this community, and this opportunity to give ourselves the love we previously weren’t giving.
Natasha – thank you for yet another mind-blowing post. I always gave people a pass because I perceived they intended well or had a good heart… and that’s no longer enough.
Emma, your comment could be a blog post in and of itself. Thank YOU so much for taking the time to share, connect, and shine that gorgeous, healing light of yours 🙂 Happy that the post helped! Love you. xoxo
Hi Emma & Natasha,
I’m not sure if you’ll see this as its on an old post.
My ex of 5 years went straight in to another relationship, long distance to start with but she has just moved 6 hours away from her town and in with him, in to the house we dreamt of moving to.
He was definitely emotionally unavailable to me. But I do worry that it could have been circumstantial, eg now he is financially stable, and has a house That he is in control of and she doesn’t have to put up with his shit that I did when he didn’t drive/earn etc, will he be more respectful and calmer with her? Maybe she’ll be wifey at home, where I had to work long hours to keep a roof over our head.
I’m finding it really deeply painful in my heart that I think when he said his “feelings went” for me, that it’s as simple as he went off me and found someone who he enjoys life with more. Someone less stressy and someone who is happy and vibrant. The feeling is killing me ?
I am always here Sara – you are never alone. I’m grateful too 🙂 To have you as a sister on a soul level.
I’ve been there and I personally believe that the universe has a way of working things out in a karmic sense.
So glad that the post helped. Thank you for being you and for being a part of this tribe. xx
Beautiful post Natasha. Your messages always resonate just went I need them. I’m so happy for you and happy that I found you- it’s been months since our talks but I hold everything you said to me close to heart and top of mind. Xoxox MS
You are loved, supported, adored, and MISSED. Terribly. Love you 🙂 Thanks sis. xo
Thank you for guiding our difficult-as-it-is-rewarding journey into self-love, self-esteem and self-respecting behaviors. Today I said to myself, Natasha is with me! I am beginning to resemble much less of a doormat and much more of a warrior on a white horse! Even outside of romantic relationships. It’s like a domino effect! The self-respect is spreading like an uncontainable virus!
Thanks for sharing about how it made you sad that people in your life didn’t acknowledge your book. A huge part of your appeal is how freaking human you are despite your otherworldly beauty. When we see a badass like you be so human and vulnerable and have feelings, it validates our pain, or at least mine, which I keep locked deep inside. Of my journal. lol
The one thing I’ve learned about going No Contact is that with each day that goes by…. you feel stronger and stronger. Because you have proven to yourself through your actions that you don’t actually need your ex to survive, you are capable of behaving in a manner consistent with self-respect, you do believe in your future. It’s hard on your self-esteem to beg for validation from someone that gets their validation from invalidating you. Very hard. Once you step back from that crazy cycle, you just feel so light and free.
I love you Dana. Thank YOU 🙂 I’m so glad that the post helped.
I am always with you and can’t wait to be physically with you over a gluten free pizza and salad from our favorite restaurant one day soon.
Could not agree more. XOX
This made me cry. A lot.
me too my friend…. tears and more tears….
Hi Lorelle. Me too. ?
<3 <3 <3
Love you Lorelle. xx
Ladies and Natasha,
I needed this today. I am in the middle of a very minor disappointment.
I just met someone who was clear that he is unavailable. I made it clear that nothing could happen during this time, but I also said we could be friends. I should not because I actually like him. But that is not the issue because I am very good at not chasing men.
The issue is that on Monday he asked me for a very small professional favor…. look at a very short doc and give him feedback. He got my work email and said he would send the doc “shortly”. Well, he either never sent it or I did not get it.
So now I am in a tizzy that he did send it, I never got it (teeny tiny chance) and he thinks I am ignoring him or not doing what I said I would do. I never contacted him because this is all a bit muddled, but I feel like I should just say “hey there… never got the doc”. But why should I follow up on a favor I would do for him.
This man is unavailable. Just stay the f away. But I hate that this is now mixed with a value I have about delivering on my promises.
Happy that the post helped! 🙂 I wish I had the time to write more but listen to your intuition. I wouldn’t engage. All my love to you Lola. xo
Thank you for making us your obsession Natasha!!! I will follow you to the moon & back and will always support you and your work! I am in love with your new course and so glad that you did an audio version as I feel like you are right there with me! It is amazing how you took your pain and used it as power to change not only your life, but the lives of others.
Sending you hugs, good vibes and tons of love!
YAYYY! 🙂 This made my day. Thanks Kristie! There is so much more to come and I am just so grateful that we are here for and with each other. Always. BIG love and hugs to you. XOXO
Congratulations on coming out on the other side! For me I found each time I reengage with my ex the end result was always pain. So I went the no contact road to save me.
🙂 thanks Tevamac! I couldn’t agree more. xoxo
Natasha my dear .. I don’t have the words after reading and re-reading this post. So much of what you have said I have felt my entire life it seems and I honestly don’t even know how I survived all the things I have. I too have felt like I wanted to die at least twice in my life and those were my lowest points. Yes, I was able to hold my head back up and keep moving forward, but the time it took to bounce back from that dark place felt like an eternity. Since my break up with the ex fiancé last year I have been slowly putting the pieces of me back together again and man I wish I could say I am happier and stronger, but the truth is I am still finding my way. I can still feel the sadness and the loss, but I don’t let it consume me like it used to.
Sadly, two of my closest friends are going thru very hard times right now with their marriages and I see what it has done to them and the pain they are in whenever I see them or talk to them. I don’t even bring up any of my struggles as they have enough emotional baggage on their plates, so I just listen and try and be there for them as best as I can. Sometimes though, it’s hard to be around all of that and not let it trigger my own emotions too much where I start to become depressed. I feel terrible for saying that because these are two people that I would do anything for and yet I feel powerless to help them. I know their pain… I feel it in my heart and soul. But sometimes I need to step away and take care of my own issues as I navigate my own path to healing.
This place has been a sanctuary for me as I have said in the past.. I feel safe here and never alone. That is because YOU have created this place for all of us. It makes me sad that some people in your life weren’t as supportive of the new site and all the great things that you are doing in your life. They have no frickin clue how much you have helped so many people around this world . How deeply appreciate we are for your vulnerability and honesty and unconditional love and support.. you get us… you have been where we are… you give us hope for better days ahead. That is an invaluable gift my friend! Please don’t ever ever stop doing what you are doing. We will ALWAYS be here for you. We are your family and we’ve got you girl!!
I so look forward to the day that I get to finally meet you and have our girls dinner. I will hug you so hard that you may just stop breathing…. hahaha!!!
Love you so much.
I love you endlessly Vicki <3 That last paragraph of yours... Just thank you. So much. I am in tears. xxxx
I strongly recommend that you write a post about this urge,that comes with traumatic break ups, to take revenge, to see him paying for it , this need for justice, for retribution. We all know it’s not gonna help us heal but somehow most of us seek some kind of a god or karma or the universe to just settle the score, to feel in a way that this bad thing that happened to us isn’t just arbitrary luck but it has a meaning and that ultimately we are not powerless as they make us feel because somewhere down the line there will be consequences. I would love to know what you think about it.
You have no idea how much I understand where you are coming from. I keep thinking of the exact same thing – revenge in the form of karma. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about it.
It’s so comforting to know I am not the only one who is feeling like this.
Thanks for being there and posting your thoughts. I believe in karma, so I am sure the emotionally unavailable fucktards will eventually pay. And yes a post from Nats would be awesome 🙂
You take care
Thank you for the recommendation Vasiliki! I will try to write about this soon 🙂 x
I love this blog because you get it. You understand what it’s like to have no self esteem and to be at such a low point in your life. You don’t make me feel judged for it though. I feel like it’s something that is normal and can be conquered. I don’t feel like a freak anymore thanks to your blog. I wish you’d write a novel one day because I’d buy it 🙂 also maybe you can write a post about comparing ourselves to others and how not to do that.
Awww THANK YOU so much Jazmine! 🙂 That’s all I ever wanted to create and in that process, YOU have affirmed that I am not alone, not judged, not crazy, and that I am loved and supported.
I am writing a book! There is a link on the homepage to get on the preorder list.
All my love to you soul sister. I hope that we can meet one day in person. xoxo
Hello Natasha. This is 100% me. WOW! It is me looking into an emotional mirror. I just did not realize it all until it was spelled out. One year after my heart being broken to pieces, I still struggle but reading this post brought light to my continuous thinking and contemplating the how and why of the breakdown the relationship. In the year since I have found you and the tribe I have learned so much. Red flags, boundaries, actions and words and ghosting and narcissismts li were not part of my life until they were. Very, very difficult to navigate but every single post you have written have helped me so much. This one made me emotional yet I read it more than once. Thank you for continuing to help me and for giving every part of you to help us all. I will continue to experience much more I am sure but my eyes are open now and I am watching the actions and words of all around me. I love you so much and I am so very proud of you and the fact you made all you dreamed come to become real for the tribe. I will continue to navigate but with the help of PMS THANK GOD!!! Be well. Love ya sister ????
Your comments mean more to me and everyone here than I could ever express in a reply. Thank you for being here and for being YOU. I am so happy and honored to not only help, but to call you family.
Love you sister. xo
I love your post and I am always looking forward to new post honestly. Your words and how you lay everything out is simply wonderful. We Love You girl and once again thank you for your amazing posts!!
I love you too Lucy 🙂 Thanks for being my family. xoxo
Natasha! Congratulations on your new site, courses and book!!!!! I AM SO EXCITED! Your beautiful post helped me again, as always. I can’t wait to dig into your new content! I’m so sorry to hear that any sadness has crept into such an important and special week for you, but all things happen for a reason and this will only make you stronger. Just keep being your beautiful self and never forget that we love you and are there for you! This is only the beginning for you, and I can’t wait to watch you continue to succeed and be your unf*ckwithable self! Best of luck beautiful!
Starlie!! Thanks sister 🙂 I’m happy that the post was helpful and so grateful for you and your love. That means everything to me. I really hope that we can meet in person one day soon. Thanks for being my family. Love you. xoxo
Hey Nat, 🙂
Another great post just on time!
I understood that its harder to let go such a type of person because of our self esteem. Because we are seeking for any kind of validation from them, am i right?
But what was hard for me to understand and i did not understand was : ” And you’ll always get swept away by the only thing that they are masters at creating: ambiguity mixed with just enough truth, a willingness to listen, and hope that you hang on because the alternative is too scary to face alone.”
Can You please explain it in another way? So i got that they are masters at totally confusing us….
Thank You in Advance and thank you for your willingness to help us ! 🙂
Thanks Sandy! I wish I had the time to write it all out. Yes, you are right. It’s about getting sucked in to the attraction to our triggers, having to prove ourselves and finding a drop of water in an empty well. Thank you for your love, support, and for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you sister. xx
Love this post and love you! I have felt so alone in the way that I continue to go back to relationships with men who treat me like absolute shit but who I crave love and attention from everyday, but I know now that I am not alone in this struggle. I know that it takes work and strength to overcome the triggers that lead me back every time to people who are incapable of treating me with respect. But you make me feel less alone and I am committed to implementing no contact with certain people and flushing the shit once and for all. 🙂
YAY! 🙂 I love you too Lexi. This means everything to me <3 You are never, ever alone. You got this! xoxo
You are truly such an inspirational woman. The “love of my life” broke my heart for the umpteenth time and I keep running back because I think that things will change, even though it has gotten to the point where I was doing quite literally everything and he was doing quite literally nothing and I still valued that over being alone. A month into no-contact, there are occasional moments when I’m sad and lonely but my eyes have opened up so much and reading back on our texts I was shocked at his see-thru manipulation that I chose to ignore because I wanted him that much. This blog is the best thing to have happened to me. You reminded me the value of being a loving, caring and strong woman and you taught me to embrace my feelings and everything to come my way as a lesson. I truly am so grateful for you, for your blog, for your mentality and your talent. I’m speaking for so many people here but your work truly is magnificent. There’s so much irrelevant shit on “how to get your ex back” and rather than following the flow, you made me wonder “is he worthy of even getting back?” The answer is a big no. He took advantage of my big heart in every way possible, he treated me like a doormat. Thank you so much, all the love.
THIS!! I am smiling from ear to ear 🙂 Thanks so much Dasha – It takes one to know one. You are incredible. I am so happy and honored to help but it was and is ALL you. I just held the mirror up to all that beauty, wisdom, and strength that has been there all along.
Love you sis. xx
I absolutely love this article- you’re so brilliant! I went through a life-shattering break-up in February with a man I have known for years, that I was supposd to marry and broke up with me out of the blue only to be in a new relationship weeks later. He was definitely consistent at being insconsistent in his feelings of me. His ending of our relationship was void of any respect- via text message and a refusal to see or speak to me. He was also my friend of 8 years prior. Your blog has helped my progress tremendously- and I also suffer from toxic family relationships, and much like you, moved across the country on my own this year to start life over on MY terms. Thank you for your inspirational writing.
Wow. Sara, thank YOU for being an inspirtaion to us all and for being a part of this tribe. You go girl. We are all behind you 100%.
I’m so happy that the post helped 🙂 BIG love to you soul sis. xx
Read this again today. Thank you for being a guiding light for all of us. Your humanity, your honesty, your passion, your empathy …in other words – YOU – are invaluable. xx
RIGHT back at you my beautiful sister. x
Another amazing post. Having come out of an abusive relationship with a narcissist, I have found your website life-saving and have read, and reread, post, after post, after post. I am in a situation where my narcissist has lied about me to his family and friends and I am finding that quite difficult to deal with emotionally, as I thought I had a good relationship with them. They obviously believe his version of events though. I’d love you to write a post about how to handle this situation?
Thanks Claire! I am so happy and honored to have helped 🙂 I will definitely try to write about this soon! Thanks for being a part of this tribe. xx
Another amazing post which spoke straight to my heart. Bookmarked it to constantly remind myself to always choose ME first. To not be afraid.
No need to ever be afraid because you’ve got your own back now and we’ve all got it too. You are so supported and loved.
I’m happy that the post helped. All my love to you. xo
I have been going through this over and over my entire life. Finally I feel like my actions are on point. No contact has been established with people that are all of the above, more than I care to mention I tolerated, for some time. Hardest is forgiving myself for tolerating this because I knew in my gut things were wrong. Self loathing, fear, guilt you name it allowed these people in my life. What keeps eating at me is why do they get to be happy? Why do they get what they want and toss me aside like garbage. The truth is, they probably aren’t and I have no idea what is happening in their lives, but the feelings are real.
Thank you for everything,
You’re never alone <3 Thank you for being a part of this tribe G. xoxo
Natasha, I cannot even begin to share with you how happy I am to have come across your blog.
I love your soul and the way you share your thoughts and intentions for your readers.
I relate to this post and I am so glad that there are people out there that can share these insights and stories. It makes you feel less alone that we are all sharing this and in it together.
Thank you again x
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love, support, connection, and for being a part of this tribe 🙂
That means everything to me <3 You are loved, supported, backed, believed in, valued, appreciated, empathized with, understood, and never, EVER alone. All my love to you sister. xx
I just discovered this site and i am in tears. Tears of relief. I feel as if you are speaking directly to my experience, my loss, my longing, and my ability to love and feel that I have not been loved and valued in return. There are so many articles I cannot wait to read and I feel as if you are a kindred spirit and friend and i want to say thank you for your insight and openness.
I am so happy and honored to help Tara 🙂 Thank YOU for your love, support, and for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you sister – You are never alone. xx
Hey! I found your page last week and I’ve been reading it lately and about a month ago my boyfriend broke up with me and i didn’t know how to move on even when he had since he has a new girlfriend. I read this article tonight and this helped me realize I’m the only one dragging me down and stopping myself from being happy and moving on. Thank you for sharing this because without it, I would still be lost and I just really want to move on. Now I feel like I can. I really enjoy reading your pages because I can relate in so many ways. Thank you again. You have no idea how much you’ve helped me <3
YAYYYY 🙂 I’m so happy that the posts have helped!
Thank YOU, Haley, for your love, connection, support, and for being a part of this tribe. It means everything to me. I’ve been there and you’re not alone.
And if I can get through it… SO.CAN.YOU.
Love you soul sis. xx
Thank you, Natasha. Your words and insights lift me up from a dark and hurt place to a place of self-respect and courage to move forward. Thank you so very much.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and THANK YOU for your love and support. It means everything to me.
I have been there and you are never alone. All my love to you.
This was awesome read. It had very good points. I had horrible breakup where he sent over 20 pictures of himself and other female all around the house and my car exposing XXX rated positions with her. I thought I could never heal from it. He even attempted with a female on my job, which resulted my boss forcing to take conflict resolution courses and skipped over twice for promotion. I never thought I would heal. I kept questioning and blaming myself. But it wasn’t me. When I realized that and gave up hope of him returning, that is when real healing began. It’s hard but your read confirm every reason for my positive change. Thank you.
I am so sorry that you’ve had to go through this Nadia. You are not alone. I am so happy and honored to help. Thank you for sharing and for being a part of this tribe <3 All my love to you sister. xox
Ive read so many posts on here in hoping of finally making that move to get out but never fully got out! I always responded to the reach out a week or two in, even tho i knew it wasn’t meaningful or would have positive outcome. I love your posts but today this one hit me hard, I can no longer do it anymore. I have hit my breaking point. The tears come too often, the desire to reach out to the toxic person overwhelm me, I worry about him, i find myself making excuses all the time for their actions, highlighting the good memories we had and putting a blanket on the bad. I CANT DO IT ANYMORE! This article just reminded me it is a process, I have to allow the feelings to pass thru but not crumble. Naturally I worry will I ever be the person I was two years ago before the toxic relationship started…..I have hope I will be. Knowing I am not the only one helps, having amazing friends helps, blessed with great parents and family helps, having articles like this to remind me to not cave to stay on my white horse helps! It is crazy how words, an article, a post can sometimes make the difference in staying on your white horse and falling off of it. Thank you Natasha!
You got this Caitlin! We all understand, love, support, back, and believe in you. THANK YOU for taking the time to share (and by doing so, helping others who are too shy to comment, feel less alone).
Stay on your white horse and just know that you *can* do this. All my love to you, soul sister. xox
Hi Natasha and everyone else,
Thank you for your blogs! I read them almost everyday and they’re wonderful.
I was talking to someone earlier this year and he told me that he had just come out of a relationship. He told me this because while they were broken up, he still felt like he had to deal with her mental health issues. I was completely supportive he reassured me that he was interested and we could talk – but we will take things slow. A few months later, I didn’t understand what the timeline was as to when things will progress. He couldn’t tell me and felt that he was too emotionally fragile. I let him go because I didn’t want to be dragged along.
It’s been months. I cannot stop thinking about him and how great he was. We connected so well and I wish he was still in my life. I get pangs of pain thinking about him and I don’t know how to make it stop. I am not sure if I made the right decision letting him go.
The problem with me is – I assume these guys are the best I can ever do. Like my best options are behind me. I fantasize their lives to be beautiful and full of happiness. While I fantasize my life to be just lonely. I assume they will move on and treat people amazing and while I was only worth crumbs. I just need some advice please. Thank you
I will try to write more about this soon Sarah <3 You are not alone.
I wish that I had the time to write everything that I want to say and ask more questions but I have struggled with this too; I still do. We think that those who have rejected us and shown their emotional unintelligence will move on happier - with better people in a better life. This is not the case; not everything that glitters is gold.
You are not alone. Thank you for being a part of this tribe and for being my sister on a soul level. xox
Hi Natasha, thank you so much for your response! I can’t wait to read what you will write about this. I think this is the biggest issue about me. I am unable to see their flaws and assume the world for them and nothing for me. It makes me feel so so down about myself. Thank you again.
You are not alone Sarah. xoxo Love you sister.
Thank you for your blog! You have no idea how amazing it is to read it everyday.
I spoke to a guy earlier this year and we talked for a while (4-5 months). I have been heartbroken before which led to a serious depression that last for almost a year.
So meeting this guy was amazing – I never thought I could feel like this again. I actually thought that part of myself was gone or just broken. Well we hit it off and I can’t even tell you how amazing it was to talk to him. We had so much in common and just connected on so many levels. He told me about 2 months in that he had come out of a relationship and was still healing. He told me things would have to be slow with us. Well, I thought that was okay but it wasn’t. I felt like he was just slipping away and every time I asked him what was wrong he said he had to deal with the mental health issues of his ex. I realized that he was also not in a right place and I called it off.
I am so heartbroken, it has been almost 5 months and I think about him so much. The problem with me , is that I assume that my exes will lead this beautiful life without me. That I was the one holding them back and they will do so much better without me. That things will magically get better and they will progress and nothing will happen to me. It breaks my heart so much. I just don’t know what to. I would love any advice. Thank you so much all.
I wrote you bac earlier but can’t seem to find it. My apologies if this is a duplicate response. Thank you for taking the time to comment and share <3
I'm so happy that the posts have helped! I just want to give everything that I wish I had <3 You are not alone in this, Leela. You have a whole tribe here who loves, understands, and supports you.
I have that problem too! But please remember, "not everything that glitetrs is gold." He is not a better person, with a better in a better life. You listened to the oldest part of your soul, your instinct, and acted on it. Bravo! Stay on your white horse and just take it hour by hour.
You got this! I wish I had the time to write more but his emotional baggage did not just "dissapear."
All my love to you, soul sister. xx
Can you please expand on the statement “Don’t ever seek an explanation from the person who broke your heart.”, why not? I mean it sort of makes sense, but I would really like for you to flesh that concept out please.
If someone has proven that they are emotionally unintelligent and empathetically bankrupt enough to break your heart and put their selfish needs above your emotional well-being, HOW could an explanation from them mean much of anything? Seeking an explanation from these types is a waste of time.
Hope that helps! I wish I had the time to truly flesh it out more and explain (thank you for your kindness and understanding) xoxo
Thank you very much, that helped!
I’ve. Read. So. Many of these. Articles. The weird part.. I’m seemingly ‘ok’? After a recent break-up (2 1/2 years, 9 weeks since he ghosted), I’ve maybe cried, 2-3 times? I’ve been through the break up that broke me. Brought me to my knees, for months. This one, I can’t figure out what it is, or why the incessant thoughts of him won’t go away. It’s clear he’s narcissistic & incredibly emotionally unavailable. To boot, I was ghosted & led to believe there was no one else, only to find he moved from my house to ‘hers’. Last but definitely not least, ‘her’ & I both have a child involved in the situation. Neither of which are his. I’ll admit we lived together a majority of that time. The first time he stayed over, he never left. He’s the funny guy, the clown, the outgoing fun-loving, dark hair blue-eyed ‘make any girl gush with a one-armed hug’ kinda guy. And let me tell you, he knew so. Many. Girls. My daughter was devastated. She’s old enough to recognize it & it breaks my heart. Much to my demise, clearly the moving in so soon was a mistake. He puts on a DAMN GOOD show, to say the least. The person he was in the end.. I can with full honesty say, I NEVER saw a glimpse of that person for the entire 2 1/2 years. I on the other hand.. am your classic doting girlfriend at your beck & call, bringing you your dinner plate, filling your tank occasionally if I take your truck because ‘aw that would be sweet’, bring you a morning thirst quenching drink on my way out the door because you haven’t gotten out of bed yet & I’ll save you the break of morning cold steps to the fridge, let me pay for dinner or pay for these groceries or randomly gift you with these ‘I thought of you gifts’.. kind of girl. I get it, it sounds cray.. I’m well under 40 but watched my Mom growing up, treat my Dad the exact same way. So in this case, I may not have the mascara running down my face, but here I am, reading yet another article (of yours), feeling like a COMPLETE IDIOT, for doing the things I did.. sorry, the things I’d do for anyone, not just him. It’s who I AM. It’s SO clear where I need to be standing right now. The thoughts come & go, but it’s an all day event. When the thoughts come that shouldn’t, I come here. Even if just for a few minutes, THESE words are in my head instead of those. So.. thank you.. thank you.. thank you. SO MUCH!!! I know I’ll get there. I initially asked for reasons, but I’ve since held my ground & have oozed nothing but positivity outwardly. It’s a small town & there’s a very large group of mutual friends.. so run-ins happen, people talk.. Again, with everything in me.. THANK YOU
From the very bottom of my heart, thank YOU, my friend for having the courage to share and being such an inspirational example of how he truth (and putting an end to taking ownership of other people’s behavior) really does set us free.
You are loved, supported, backed, believed in, understood, and never, ever alone.
Thank you for you. All my love to you and your daughter. Xox