One of the worst things after a breakup is having this instinctual knowingness that your ex sucks, is not right for you, is not capable of emotional availability, is not empathetic, and will never change but you still miss him more than ever. You ask yourself “why do I miss my boyfriend when I know that I deserve more?”

You can’t stop thinking about him. Your days have now gone from something resembling a life to this constant battle between your head, your heart, your libido, and your gut. Your gut knows, your heart “KNOWS,” your libido NEEDS and your head is just trying to keep up with which team to root for.

You’re in a self-imposed, Groundhog Day nightmare of missing someone that you KNOW isn’t worthy of one millisecond of your time. Yet, you can’t stop thinking about him.

A recent conversation I had with a girlfriend made me rewind to the aftermath of the majority of my past breakups. No matter how much I knew that the relationship wasn’t worth it, I’d find myself wondering “why do I miss my boyfriend?”

My girlfriend was in tears. She told me that she had been lied to, repeatedly cheated on, and made to feel as though she wasn’t enough while she was in the relationship. Her ex had recently broken up with her and in spite of the massive amounts of bullsh*t, guess what? She missed him anyway.

When I asked her what was making her cry the most, I was sure that she was going to start telling me that it was the cheating and then get into all of the details of the girl he cheated on her with. Nope. She wasn’t crying over the infidelity or the lies or the disloyalty or the embarrassment she felt.

“He was perfect for me, Natasha. I mean, our parents got along so well and we really would have had the cutest kids. I have this connection with his little sister and I am in love with his family. He’s so handsome and always made me laugh. We looked perfect together and now it’s over. He’s really a great guy. What am I going to do now?”

And that’s what you call a giant red flag. I thought that maybe in the midst of her crying, she misspoke. But then I remembered how I used to feel the very same way. I had no idea how to stop missing my ex long enough to have a rational and collected thought. 

I got home that night and looked through my email inbox to see that my girlfriend and I are definitely not alone in the “I miss my boyfriend even though he’s toxic.” We’re in great company.

Here’s what to do when you can’t get off of the “I miss my boyfriend” train…

Remember this…

• It’s important that you mourn the death of who he was in the beginning. But it’s not okay to mourn the loss of a liar, abuser, and cheater.
• If you focus on his actions, his inactions, his behavior, and how it all made you feel, you will at least be progressing to anger. And being angry is a lot better than hopelessness. In anger, you can ACT. In hopelessness, you’re stagnant.
• I’m going to directly quote my girlfriend again: “He was perfect for me, Natasha. I mean, our parents got along so well and we really would have had the cutest kids. I have this connection with his little sister and I am in love with his family. He’s so handsome and always made me laugh. We looked perfect together and now it’s over. He’s really a great guy. What am I going to do now?” Guess what? You’re going to do BETTER. Last time I checked, you’re not going to be sleeping with his parents, his siblings, his dog, or his family. You’re going to have to be with HIM, live with HIM, and sleep with HIM, every night. Having a great family or the opinion that you’d make a cute kid together is not a good enough reason to have a lifetime of misery.
• If you’re thinking “I miss my boyfriend” and crying because you miss the sex, the comfort, having him around, etc., this means you need to realize that you are emotionally tied to the idea of him; to what he represented. This is not who he is in reality.

A lot of this is normal to experience when you’re no longer with someone that had your heart and was reckless with it.

However…

When grappling with the question, “why do I miss him,” especially after being in a relationship where you faced disrespect and diminished self-worth, it’s crucial to confront the truth and have an honest conversation with yourself.

You know that quote, “the truth will set you free?” There’s a reason it’s such a famous quote.

When you subscribe to the truth, you are better equipped to reject hurtful behavior. And by doing so, you build unshakable confidence.

I call that a win/win.

Written by: Natasha Adamo