One of the worst things after a breakup is having this instinctual knowingness that your ex sucks, is not right for you, is not capable of emotional availability, is not empathetic, and will never change but you still miss him more than ever. You ask yourself “why do I miss my boyfriend when I know that I deserve more?”
You can’t stop thinking about him. Your days have now gone from something resembling a life to this constant battle between your head, your heart, your libido, and your gut. Your gut knows, your heart “KNOWS,” your libido NEEDS and your head is just trying to keep up with which team to root for.
You’re in a self-imposed, Groundhog Day nightmare of missing someone that you KNOW isn’t worthy of one millisecond of your time. Yet, you can’t stop thinking about him.
A recent conversation I had with a girlfriend made me rewind to the aftermath of the majority of my past breakups. No matter how much I knew that the relationship wasn’t worth it, I’d find myself wondering “why do I miss my boyfriend?”
My girlfriend was in tears. She told me that she had been lied to, repeatedly cheated on, and made to feel as though she wasn’t enough while she was in the relationship. Her ex had recently broken up with her and in spite of the massive amounts of bullsh*t, guess what? She missed him anyway.
When I asked her what was making her cry the most, I was sure that she was going to start telling me that it was the cheating and then get into all of the details of the girl he cheated on her with. Nope. She wasn’t crying over the infidelity or the lies or the disloyalty or the embarrassment she felt.
“He was perfect for me, Natasha. I mean, our parents got along so well and we really would have had the cutest kids. I have this connection with his little sister and I am in love with his family. He’s so handsome and always made me laugh. We looked perfect together and now it’s over. He’s really a great guy. What am I going to do now?”
And that’s what you call a giant red flag. I thought that maybe in the midst of her crying, she misspoke. But then I remembered how I used to feel the very same way. I had no idea how to stop missing my ex long enough to have a rational and collected thought.
I got home that night and looked through my email inbox to see that my girlfriend and I are definitely not alone in the “I miss my boyfriend even though he’s toxic.” We’re in great company.
Here’s what to do when you can’t get off of the “I miss my boyfriend” train…
- It’s important that you mourn the death of who he was in the beginning. But it’s not okay to mourn the loss of a liar, abuser, and cheater.
- If you focus on his actions, his inactions, his behavior, and how it all made you feel, you will at least be progressing to anger. And being angry is a lot better than hopelessness. In anger, you can ACT. In hopelessness, you’re stagnant.
- I’m going to directly quote my girlfriend again: “He was perfect for me, Natasha. I mean, our parents got along so well and we really would have had the cutest kids. I have this connection with his little sister and I am in love with his family. He’s so handsome and always made me laugh. We looked perfect together and now it’s over. He’s really a great guy. What am I going to do now?” Guess what? You’re going to do BETTER. Last time I checked, you’re not going to be sleeping with his parents, his siblings, his dog, or his family. You’re going to have to be with HIM, live with HIM, and sleep with HIM, every night. Having a great family or the opinion that you’d make a cute kid together is not a good enough reason to have a lifetime of misery.
- If you’re thinking “I miss my boyfriend” and crying because you miss the sex, the comfort, having him around, etc., this means you need to realize that you are emotionally tied to the idea of him; to what he represented. This is not who he is in reality.
A lot of this is normal to experience when you’re no longer with someone that had your heart and was reckless with it.
When you find yourself in a relationship where you’ve been disrespected and made to feel bad about yourself, you have got to get real and tell yourself the truth.
You know that quote, “the truth will set you free?” There’s a reason it’s such a famous quote.
When you subscribe to the truth, you are better equipped to reject hurtful behavior. And by doing so, you build unshakable confidence.
I call that a win/win.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your breakup, please look into working with me here.
Never been more proud of you. These posts leave me speechless because they’re everything that needs to be said but that no one has been able to articulate quite like you. So proud of you. You’re helping so many people Natasha! xxox
So I stayed in tonight for a Saturday night in. Now I know wow. Girl you’re on FIRE! I wish I could be as badass as you someday
Lol! Thanks babe. You already are 🙂
Hi Natasha ? I love your post they have helped me out so much and got me to think on another level. I know my ex boy is a total loser emotionally unavailable, angry, vain and verbally abusive at times. It’s so annoying because he has met this beautiful new girl and I have seen pictures on social media. I just can’t stand the fact that he looks like he’s having a great time when really and truly I know he’s still the same and she’s clueless! I need to shake it off he will always love himself more than anything else but I’m finding it difficult Xxx
Thank u for this post again!
You’re the best ?
Thank you so much 🙂 You have all of the awareness and tools to move past this. I believe in you. You deserve so much more xoxo
This post is my current situation, one close friend recently told me I lost everything with him and now I’m loosing what I have left which is my dignity….your posts are always great ????????
Ahhhhhhh THIS IS AMAZING! I LOVE all your blog posts. You have no idea how much they have helped me. You’re so amazing Natasha! I went through such a rubbish breakup last year, fell into a depression and generally thought I had reached rock bottom.
I read your posts everyday; they have helped so much! And I was just about to email you and ask you to write something on this very topic 😀
You’ve just made my day. Please please please keep writing 🙂
Your comments have MADE my day! Thank you so, so much. I promise, I’ll keep writing 🙂 If there’s anything you want me to write about or if you ever need to chat, email me any time xxxx
Hold onto your dignity. Thank you beautiful XOXO
This post was amazing. As you know, after my breakup that I was dead set on, that I KNEW I had to do, the second I did it, it was regrets and sadness and everything reminded me of him and how I thought maybe he was so perfect in all the ways I wanted him to be. My mind was so fogged and clouded, you, your blog, it all helped me so much.
Ps you need to start the fcktard hotline. ????
Omg! YES! YES! YES! I KNOW he’s a loser and yet I love him… I just “cut him off” this past weekend… Here’s to hoping I can stay strong. Thanks for the reminder to look at his actions… He USED to be so sweet… But hasn’t been so in a long time now…
Here’s to KNOWING you can stay strong, Reba. I believe in you 🙂 xo
Been reading your articles for hours now , was missing my emotionally unavailable , manipulative ex. Who made me feel so anxious and insecure all the time , I stayed for so long because I hoped he would change, but truth is he didn’t , I did.
Although I miss him I no longer what to feel the way he made me feel so I cut him off , taking back the power in my life.
And although it’s been incredibly difficult I’m feeling more my old self everyday.
Your blog is amazing, and knowing their are so many girls feeling the same gives me strength
Let’s ride this wave out together
Yes! Thanks Lianne! I’m so happy its helped 🙂 Thank you for being a part of this tribe. You are loved, supported, backed and believed in. XO
Wow..you really hit home with this one! I’ve been dealing with my ex for 3 years – we work together. He’s a jerk – it took him 5 seconds after ending our 7 yr relationship by email, to date the one he’s been with since. I used to think he would miss if I stopped talking to him….no reaction. His girlfriend is classless & he is a horrible person. I know this but still have had such s hard time letting go! Loved your words of wisdom! I’m sick of feeling this way…I’ve realized….FINALLY (only took 3 years) I give him the power over me. I keep reminding myself of his actions, how he is so willing to cheat on his girlfriend, how he doesn’t respect me & most importantly it’s always about him!
I am angry & I want to know a life without him. He is a horrible person! Thanks so much for your inspirational words! Just say no to the f*cktards!!!
Thanks for the love sister! Glad it helped 🙂 xx
Your posts are so deep! I have dependency issues and i do tend to get emotionally attached quickly, expecting them to fill this gaping void in my heart. You helped me realize that i need to love myself first!
But what if i tend to drive away good guys, who are initially willing to be emotionally available, who are willing to make changes, but then start withdrawing when we fight alot? I have tried to be less needy and less insecure, but by the time i get around to it, it’s too late?
It gets all the more confusing because its not like they dump me outright, its just that they behave so callously that i just rather not respond. I get it, i made a mistake, and he’s angry, but i just wanted a little bit of his time. And then bam, when i decide to stay on the white horse and give them their spaces and withdraw, they come back.
It’s like the chicken and egg problem, what came first? The fights that prompted emotional unavailability? Or
The emotional unavailability that prompted the Neediness?
Hi N! I’m happy that the posts have helped 🙂 Thanks for your love, understanding, sisterhood and support! xo
Thanks Natasha please keep posting… Specially about chain cheaters…. And how to not have such a low self esteem…. And that how do get out of the ‘she is better than me’…
Thanks again…. I love you….
Love that! Thanks for your love, support, sisterhood and for that awesome recommendation. I’ll try to write about it soon 🙂 X
Natasha, I wanted to say that I have been going through some sort of insanity of a “relationship” for nearly three years. Your site which I have found one particularly bad night, has been a source of sanity and clarity that I have never encountered. I want to thank you for that. From what I understand, my ex is definitely emotionally unavailable, and I have hit all the beats of being the psycho ex – the stalking, the crying, the demands to talk about my feelings, the unrelenting blinding anger. I’ve completely lost it when he admitted he got back with his ex only days after our big fight. I feel crazy, and he’s since decided I “needed space and therapy” and has cut me off.
I feel relief and vaguely less insane as each day has passed. But there little bits of me that think, “is he happier? Maybe the new girlfriend inspires him to be better and an amazing boyfriend!” I come to your site to read your blog again and again to remember what is the truth. I sit here sometimes missing him and the shallow happy moments, but I remember I am better off than my frequent breakdowns I had around him as he sexted young girls/hid condoms and panties/claimed he was polyamorous and I was insane for wanting more from him.
I’m hopeful I will keep healing. I am just afraid the pain won’t go away and I do keep checking my phone to see if he wants to talk. He has since blocked me on social media saying he doesn’t want to hurt me but I am hurt anyway. I feel like he’s abandoned me and the situation. How do I start feeling better?
Thank you so much again. The site is an amazing resource.
I’m so happy that the blog has helped! 🙂 I wish that I could advise and answer your question regarding how to start feeling better, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day.
Thank you for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog.
I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested.
All my love to you soul sister.
You’re not alone. You are understood, loved, supported and believed in. xx
I’m so incredibly happy that I came across this article. I’ve never seen this site or read any other articles of yours but I thought..I will just see what it (you) have to say. Truth be told I expected another….I don’t know…a surface article? I don’t know if that makes sense lol….I’m 43 and most of the articles I’ve been reading are way more geared for a younger audience I think. I find that a lot of articles on this topic don’t have a lot of depth too them. Could be I feel that way because of my age as well. I’m not looking for “a teenage article” just kick him to the curb tulle thing. I was looking for depth because truth be told, I’m struggling. As I just typed that word my eyes welled with tears “again….for the 100th time” it feels like. (And that’s just today! Lol) So here’s the thing, I read this on Instagram today and it kinda says it all “I’ve been trying to let go of you for almost as long as I’ve been holding on. One hand pulling you into my soul, the other plucking frantically at every stitch that ties you there” By B. MacLachlan
I read it and it took the wind out of me….
So in reading your article I expected a “surface, fluffy, teen article” no offence to anyone out there.
But as I started I knew it was different. You sucked me in with ….your truth & humour. U laughed out loud a few times especially with reading about “fucktard” lol. What you said hit home & really made me think. For that I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart, a heart that has been so desperately aching & longing & turning my phone off so it’s a bit harder to not text him..or trying with everything in me to keep myself together when I no longer get those goodnight baby I love you & the first thing when you wake up seeing his good morning I hope you slept ok, have a great day texts. Again I’m 43 and at the end of the day pain is pain no matter your age but for some reason hearts have a way with only remembering the good parts & forgetting the heart breaking moments. Like the night after one of those sweet loving texts…a small fight about truly nothing turns into “I know she loves getting that good night text….but I’m pissed off so I won’t even say goodnight…in fact she can just be upset all night” knowing I won’t sleep for one min, I will get a migraine, I can’t eat…until things are resolved. Leaving me hanging is one of my biggest hurts but how many times was “the card pulled out & played on me”….but those nights have not been on my mind. It’s like they were forgotten…so THANK YOU for helping remember why I should not be with someone who says they love me & may even believe that he does…but that’s not my idea of love.
Your acrticle touched me, made me laugh and at the same time gave me strength to go to bed tonight remembering that I’m strong & it’s the right decision to start seeing the truth….the TRUTH being a Real Man with Amazinv Character would NEVER allow or want the woman he loves to cry themselves too sleep EVER but….a “Fucktard” would!!!!
Hi Tammy-Lynn! I’m so happy to have helped 🙂 Keep coming back here to the blog; there are tons of posts that will help you further with your situation. This kind of stuff doesn’t discriminate against age, RACE, orientation, gender, wisdom, socioeconomic status… anything.
We are all in this together.
Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to share and shine your light. Wish I had the time to elaborate further upon your beautiful words. Sending you BIG love and hugs soul sister. XO
I am so grateful that I found this article and also reading the comments from so many people going through a similar experience as me has honestly given me strength. Like Tammy-Lynn, I’m in my 40’s and this relationship happened after my divorce from the father of my 2 children. I thought that after going through so much trauma with my ex-husband (who cheated on me for years until we finally split for good) I have found the one. We had so much in common – he’s also divorced with kids, we shared so many interests… It was a LDR, but we knew this from the start and did our best to find time to see each other. Now, after he broke up with me out of the blue 2 months ago I’m still totally heartbroken. We were planning to do things together in the fall, right now… had so many plans. Then 3 months ago he just changed, started having what he thought was supposed to be ‘the breakup’ conversation with me, then someone called him and he just hung up. We have been talking at least once a day for the past 3 years, during our whole relationship, we were also working together, me helping him with his business… So for the next 4 weeks he was just avoiding me, until he finally decided to tell me that he doesn’t want anything private any more but would like me to be continue working with him and make me a partner in his business…. I was devastated and still am. I can’t believe that he suddenly went so cold…. Said he met someone the week after he ‘tried to break up with me but I wouldn’t listen”. I know that something was wrong that first time, but I still can’t believe that after a 3 year relationship which was so intense, someone would just ‘try to break up’ in such an immature and jerky way. I know that he hasn’t been emotionally available for a lot of the time, but then will come and be so open and tender and and and….
It’s such a devastating experience to go through a breakup when you don’t expect it, to see someone who you’ve shared so much suddenly go totally cold without reason…Then no matter how hard I try to love myself, find calm and peace, go about my day, loving and caring after my kids and slowly getting some sanity back – to have these gut-wrenching moments when it all crushes me and I just miss him so much that I can’t breathe and the void just seems like it will swallow me. Even though I know there is (probably never was) any future and that he just wasn’t capable of being open with me, even in the end….
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here and sharing your words with all of us! XXX
I’m honored to have helped <3 You are loved, supported and never alone. I know how hard it is. Thank you so much for sharing and for being a part of this tribe. Sending you love. XOXO
Hi Natasha! This is my first time EVER responding to a blog. After spending an hour reading your articles while I took notes and found myself agreeing with every word you wrote out loud, I had no choice but to thank you and let you know how I plan to share your hard won wisdom. I am a therapist at an inpatient addiction facility. I work with many women whose main struggle is not the drugs, but the men. These relationships are their heroin. I am excited to share your wealth of knowledge with them starting today in my women’s group therapy session. Thank you for being vulnerable. Your blog is going to be an incredible resource. Thank you!! Thank you!!
Martie – This is the best compliment/gift that you could ever give me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for taking the time to share, thank you for your love, and thank you for being the light that you are.
I have so much love and respect for who you are, what you do and am honored. Truly. XOXO
This article is truth. I have been feeling devastated because of someone who treated me horribly. He IS a F*cktard and I have now officially declared myself a F*cktard Free Zone. I have gained so much strength just from reading this article, which is very well-written, by the way!
Thank you, Natasha, for sharing your thoughts with all of us who have been wasting our precious time and tears on F*cktards.
YAYYYY 🙂 Thanks Jan! So happy it helped! xoxo
I realized that this article applies to me BIG time…he was very abusive emotionally( not physically, long distance) and my biggest mistake was that I dropped EVERYTHING to go see him in his home town ( dropped my work, school and responsibilities ugh i know) and when I really saw who he was I was so heartbroken…he was a complete 360 from who I was talking to on the phone, and its been a year since then but I still cry…not particularly over him but over what he had promised to me and our “future” this was my first relationship and I am happy deep down I’m no longer with him but the emotions that come everyday i wish they’d just stop…I really do want to move on and be myself again… Thank you for this article really really showed me what I am REALLY crying over…
Happy it helped! 🙂 Thanks sister! XOXO
So happy I found your page during my “devastating” breakup. (Because to be honest i feel GREAT now) Thanks for teaching me what emotionally unavailable means…hit the nail on the head and puts it in perspective. So much healing reading your articles. Thank you so much!!!!!!
YAYYYYY! I’m so happy that the posts have helped 🙂 Thanks for being a part of this tribe Kate! You are loved, supported, backed, believed in, and never, EVER alone. xox
I’m glad I came across this also. I dated a man for 2 years who wasn’t “ready” for a serious relationship but promised me we were exclusive. Practically lived here even and then in April I found out he was sleeping with his ex married girlfriend and also his older neighbor for over a 5 month period and also sexting with another ex who’s married and also a woman overseas whom I had caught him sexting in my home. He even came and was “with” me after being with them on the same day.. also was with them while I was in the hospital for 2 weeks with 2nd degree burns. Talk about feeling like being punched in the stomach! And it sucked, I loved him, his mom passed soon after we met and I was the one there for him, I believed we were best friends also. And even after all of it I still loved him and tried to make it work .. it’s been very recent since we parted, he blew up my phone with angry texts because I wouldn’t respond.. I eventually broke down and started talking again because I thought he missed me and wanted to change but honestly I think he just wants to make himself feel better, he really has no guilt about anything and I’m back to square one hurting and needed your post to lite my fire up again for he isn’t who I thought he was but boy I so want to believe there is good in him but how can there be? I need to read your words every morning to keep my stupid blinders off ! No decent man would do this stuff if he had a conscience 🙁 I have got to get it thru my head that I deserve so much better and am better then those girls because I am loyal as hell, I have to quit feeling not good enough for it’s quite opposite! Thank you again !
So happy it helped! You deserve SO.MUCH.MORE. 🙂 Thanks for sharing Sheri and for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you sister. xo
Hey! I know this was written literally almost 5 years ago now but I just want to say it has helped me so much I’ve read it like 3 times over and I will keep doing it every time I feel sad. I just wanted your advice as there is one thing that still seems to make me super depressed about the situation. I think it’s that fact that he basically gets away with this – he has shown no remorse or sadness about the situation and because he’s so charming and confident etc he will probably do it a million more times and get a million more ego boosts from that. How am I meant to get over it knowing that he will just keep getting the obvious satisfaction and ego boost he gets by breaking girls hearts a million more times? It feels so unfair. Thank you so much 🙂
So happy it helped! Thank you for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe Daisy 🙂
You are not alone. All my love to you, soul sister. xox
This was posted almost six years ago and I cried reading it. Thank you for writing it. I need to bookmark it and read it over and over again. Your posts have really helped me this past couple months after years of turning myself inside out trying to hold on to conditional “love”. I’m 50 and this isn’t my first love, but I never knew my heart could be broken quite like this. Thank you. I appreciate your posts.
So glad it helped. Thank YOU, Robyn – for being a part of this tribe and for your love, connection, and support.
I had to read it again! He keeps coming back with new narratives, half apologies, wanting to rekindle & of course have sex, despite being involved with someone else right now. Nothing says I am the right man for you like being willing to cheat on your current with your former, with no guarantee of a healthy future. I consider myself a strong, intelligent woman, but he is a like an addiction. I find myself mentally wandering into the fantasy that he will change, he will overcome his defects, as he says he will. I allow myself to entertain this fantasy of a happily ever after. What is wrong with me! Do you have a piece about this? Because clearly I need to read that too.
You are not alone my friend. Thank you for taking the time to comment and thank you for the suggestion! I will try to write more about this very soon. You bring up SO MANY good points.
Thank you for being a part of this community and thank you for being YOU.
You are not alone. xox