One of the worst things after a breakup is having this instinctual knowingness that your ex sucks, is not right for you, is not capable of emotional availability, is not empathetic, and will never change but you still miss him more than ever. You ask yourself “why do I miss my boyfriend when I know that I deserve more?”
You can’t stop thinking about him. Your days have now gone from something resembling a life to this constant battle between your head, your heart, your libido, and your gut. Your gut knows, your heart “KNOWS,” your libido NEEDS and your head is just trying to keep up with which team to root for.
You’re in a self-imposed Groundhog Day nightmare of missing someone that you KNOW isn’t worthy of one millisecond of your time. Yet, you can’t stop thinking about him.
A recent conversation I had with a girlfriend made me rewind to the aftermath of the majority of my past breakups. No matter how much I knew that the relationship wasn’t worth it, I’d find myself wondering “why do I miss my boyfriend?” – whose only consistent behavior was being consistent at showing me that he was incapable of respect.
My girlfriend was in tears. She told me that she had been lied to, repeatedly cheated on, and made to feel as though she wasn’t enough while she was in the relationship. Her ex had recently broken up with her and in spite of the massive amounts of bullsh*t, guess what? She missed him anyway.
When I asked her what was making her cry the most, I was sure that she was going to start telling me that it was the cheating and then get into all of the details of the girl he cheated on her with. Nope. She wasn’t crying over the infidelity or the lies or the disloyalty or the embarrassment she felt.
“He was perfect for me, Natasha. I mean, our parents got along so well and we really would have had the cutest kids. I have this connection with his little sister and I am in love with his family. He’s so handsome and always made me laugh. We looked perfect together and now it’s over. He’s really a great guy. What am I going to do now?”
And that’s what you call a giant red flag. I thought that maybe in the midst of her crying, she misspoke. But then I remembered how I used to feel the very same way. I had no idea how to stop missing my ex long enough to have a rational and collected thought.
I got home that night and looked through my email inbox to see that my girlfriend and I are definitely not alone in the “I miss my boyfriend even though he’s toxic.” We’re in great company. There should be a 1-800-I-MISS-A-TOXIC-EX hotline, there’s so many of us.
Here’s what to do when you can’t get off of the “I miss my boyfriend” train…
- It’s okay to mourn the death of the guy that you thought he was. However, you need to realize that when you start to mourn the loss of the manipulative and selfish emotional infant that he IS, that is one.huge.red.flag. Crying over the pain of being lied to, of being cheated on, and of being rejected and dumped is one thing, but crying over the absence of a user will drain you of your power.
- If you focus on his actions, his inactions, his behavior, and how it all made you feel, you will at least be progressing to anger. And being angry is a lot better than hopelessness. In anger, you can ACT. In hopelessness, you’re paralyzed.
- I’m going to directly quote my girlfriend again: “He was perfect for me, Natasha. I mean, our parents got along so well and we really would have had the cutest kids. I have this connection with his little sister and I am in love with his family. He’s so handsome and always made me laugh. We looked perfect together and now it’s over. He’s really a great guy. What am I going to do now?” Guess what? You’re not going to sleep with his parents, his siblings, his dog or his family. You’re going to have to be with HIM, live with HIM, and sleep with HIM, every night. You KNOW deep down he is toxic and undeserving of you. Having a great family or the opinion that you’d make a cute kid together is not a good enough reason to have a lifetime of misery.
- If you’re thinking “I miss my boyfriend” and crying because you miss the sex, the comfort, having him around, etc., this means you need to realize that you are emotionally tied to the idea of him. If you were to instill some boundaries and learn how to love yourself, you’d be much more inclined to use reality and the truth to move on.
I’ve shed oceans of tears and wasted years obsessing over relationships past. I’ve cyber-stalked, broken down, beat myself up, and felt paralyzing amounts of shame. A lot of that is normal to experience when you’re no longer with someone that had your heart and was reckless with it.
When you find yourself in a relationship where you’ve been disrespected and made to feel bad about yourself, you have got to get real and tell yourself the truth. You know that quote, “the truth will set you free?” There’s a reason it’s such a famous quote.
When you subscribe to the truth, you are better equipped to reject hurtful behavior. And by doing so, you build unshakable confidence. I call that a win/win.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your breakup, please look into working with me here.