Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
You’ve been through the hell that is a breakup and if that wasn’t enough, you’ve just found out that your ex is dating someone new. You think to yourself, “is my ex happy in his new relationship?”
You can’t help but KNOW that this time, he’s changed and it’s for real. He seems so much happier in this new relationship with this new girl who’s everything you’re not. He seems to have become everything that you ever wished he could have been when you were together. He seems more mature, happier… WTF?!
He’s upgraded overnight while you haven’t shaved in three weeks, don’t want to leave the house, and only want to social media stalk the crap out of both of them. You think to yourself:
“Every guy I date leaves me and becomes better. I’m nothing but a relational doormat and breakup launching pad.”
“I’m so easy to abandon, dispose of, and forget.”
“Why couldn’t he have been this way with me?” “What’s wrong with me?”
“Is my ex happy in his new relationship? What does she have that I don’t?”
You start to think about all the nights you’ve spent obsessing, all in an effort to analyze and get over your relationship.
Apparently, while you were doing that, your ex not only moved on but was probably having sex, great sex, better-sex-than-he-had-with-you-or-he-would-still-be-with-you, kind of sex while you were at home trying to deal with your broken heart.
You immediately go into FBI mode. Within a matter of minutes, you’ve located photographic proof via social media that not only has he moved on, but he looks ridiculously happy. He looks better. He looks way happier than he was with you and she looks like everything you aren’t.
- You get angry that she can’t see the real him…
- The one who cheated on you.
- The one who liked every hot girl’s Facebook and Instagram photos.
- The one who flirted with other girls.
- The one who prioritized his ego over your emotional well-being.
- The one who tried to pick up your friend when she was drunk and “needed to talk…”
- The one who would not stop texting his ex and then, accused you of being insecure for having an issue with it.
- The one who lied to you over and over and OVER.
- The one who distorted your reality and made you feel crazy.
You feel pathetic, broken, rejected, abandoned… and it sucks. You’re also scared that maybe…. just maybe… he’s actually really changed this time. And maybe, she inspired him to change. You think of the guy you knew, the guy that was so sweet and so perfect at the beginning of the relationship and you start to think that THAT was the real him. You must have done something to “make him” do what he did and become so selfish.
This is the ultimate mind f*ck.
THE TRUTH: He hasn’t changed, she isn’t better than you and no, you didn’t do anything to “make” a grown man behave a certain way. I’m not going to stop there because I know that’s not enough.
I don’t care if: he’s gotten 500 new tattoos; if he’s gotten a makeover, seems to have changed in every substantial way, dyed his hair, become a yogi, or is volunteering on the weekends rescuing kittens and then giving them to kids with cancer. I don’t care if he’s changed his religion and is dating the preacher’s daughter or if he is hosting weekly dungeon orgies in his basement.
He is STILL the exact.same.guy. at the core.
Remember this, read it over and over and think about the logic of it as you read it because I promise you, if you get out of your own head for one minute and read this (and really think about it), you’ll see the how much sense it makes:
Thoughtless, emotionally unintelligent, empathetically bankrupt, selfish, and dishonest people do not just magically transform into amazing people, who, just after leaving you, suddenly gain integrity and emotional intelligence.
Could you magically change overnight into a totally different person? Could you change into a terrible person? Could you morph into the complete opposite of what and who you are? Could you rewire your moral code and magically transform into someone who ignores responsibility? Could you become someone who has zero empathy for yourself or others? Could you ever become someone who possesses zero emotion or feelings and more importantly, could you continue on to be this person with these traits and habits (that you clearly don’t possess and aren’t you), forever?
Don’t give me wrong, if it was a few years back Leo DiCaprio was interested in me and he was a total jerk and I could tell that he would only be with me if I was more like him, I probably would just ignore how he was and try to morph into whatever he wanted me to be. Why? Because he’s Leo, I need to get over my ex, I want to stop thinking about my ex, and I want to create jealousy and drama. But at the end of the day, that’s all that it would be – me trying.
Me trying to be something I’m not is not real. And NOTHING real or meaningful (like a solid relationship), can grow from bs. I am who I am; I can’t help but be myself and ultimately, reveal my truth – good and bad. It wouldn’t last long-term because I would eventually, reveal my truth and who I really, truly am.
People cannot help but communicate who they are.
Your ex “changing,” is nothing more than him trying to avoid and suppress who he really is.
Do you think that he’s actually changed? That she’s better than you? That he’s happier? He’s not. He’s not a real-life transformer, nor is his new girlfriend and neither are you.
The one thing you’ll never be able to do is make someone completely change out of being who they are. And with his new girlfriend, don’t give in to the compare game. Feel sorry for her that she will get to know soon enough who she’s really with. Think of all the crap she will inevitably be exposed to because she eventually WILL.
It’s hard now and I know how painful it is, but trust me when I say it will be the same pattern. He was this way before you, with you, and he will continue on to be the same way after you – no matter who or what he does.
Remember when you first started dating your ex and everything was perfect? Remember how he was everything you thought you wanted until he wasn’t? The exact same bullsh*t honeymoon phase will happen with his new flame because he is the exact same guy.
People don’t just magically become unavailable jerks because the person that they’re supposedly committed to (& have no problem continuing to sleep with and use), isn’t “good enough.”
People communicate who they are from the get-go. We just make the decision to see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear.
We fall for the potential of a rose garden instead of accepting (and acting on) the weeds right in front of us. Over time, everyone eventually reveals who they truly are and we, all too often, refer to this as a shocking “change.” This is because we don’t like and love ourselves.
The best thing to do is to remind yourself that the only way a relationship with him could ever work out is if you were okay with an unhealthy and non-mutual relationship.
You need to implement some boundaries. Start making a habit of rejecting poor and hurtful behavior from others, instead of habitually tolerating it because you don’t think you deserve better.
Remind yourself that no matter how convincing the situation is and how happy he looks in the stupid photos that he posts, he.has.not.changed. Not everything that glitters is gold. And he’s already proven to be fools gold.
You are worth so much more than a one-sided relationship.
She isn’t better than you, YOU are better than THIS.
Keep the focus on yourself and let this be the northern star to your evolution, not the anchor of your demise.
x Natasha
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Amen sista
I know this is an old thread but my ex is still happy with his new girlfriend and it has been 8-9 months. He cheated on me before though I only recently found out and finally picked this one to leave me for. Had me and my child move out so he could move on and be happy and he seems like he is. It is very hurtful and I want to say I used to agree with everything you’re saying but maybe these people finally find happiness when they do these things. It doesn’t seem fair or deserving of this treatment but he does seem happy.
8-9 months is still shorts. However he had hurt you in the past, he will get it himself one way or another. But you must not linger around waiting for this to happen. Because waiting is dreading. You must move and have fun yourself!
Hey,
I know how you feel. In my case, I just found out that my ex is with another woman after looking at his Instagram (something I won’t be doing again!) immediately, I started to compare and obsess the s*** out of their picture together as if I were in auto pilot mode thinking “he must be happier with her” “he’s probably changed and won’t treat her like the way he treated me”, etc etc etc.
But then I remembered back to when he and I were dating. In the “happy moments”, we would take cute selfies and pics together and post them on Facebook, and friends and family would comment about how loved up we looked together.. what they didn’t know about us were the huge fights we’d had before and after that photo was taken, the many times he left me in tears because he refused to take accountability for his hurtful actions, all the times he manipulated me and took me for granted.. no one saw those moments. I’m sure many people compared their relationships to ours thinking we were this “cute couple”, but in reality, that just wasn’t the case.
No one is going to show you the ugly parts.. unless my ex has had some kind of life changing experience that has significantly changed the bad patterns and behaviours in his life I experienced over several years, it’s possible that my ex will end up treating his current girlfriend the same way, and in your case, I think this could also be true.
You have to ask yourself in the end if you ever take this person back after all the times he disrespected and devalued you.. in my case, I had the option to a few months ago.. he came back to me claiming he had changed, and he might have been telling me the truth.. but I have enough self love and respect for myself to know when I deserve better. It’s still hard sometimes, and I do still wonder about him.. but I know in my heart I made the right decision. I hope one day you can come to find peace in moving on as well.
Xo
I am going through something similar. My ex of 14yrs left me. As soon as he left me he started dating his coworker (whom he trained). Rewind 4 years back and he had cheated on me with a different coworker.
I found his new gf on social media and she’s always posting pictures of both of them (which I will admit they do look very happy and is very beautiful), gifts he buys her, their dinner plates, when he plays his guitar for her, etc, etc.
During our seperation he got ugly because I was moving back home with both of our daughter’s. So we ended up doing the whole court thing.
Throughout our relationship he asked me to marry him and gave me a ring… then said that he didn’t know why he gave me a ring, he thought it was the right thing to do. Always pointed out my “flaws”. Always heard your mad all of the time, you have no sense of humor, etc, etc. But he did good things too. He bought me stuff, he would play his guitar for me too. We worked opposite shifts, and I also maintained the household. I cooked, cleaned, took care of our girls and kept the house quiet so he could sleep. After the first cheating incident he never made me feel sure of myself. On the contrary I felt like I was competing so he wouldn’t leave me. I never pointed out his flaws, there was no need to. I loved him for who he was. All I ever asked from him was respect and to love me for me.
Yes, I am not the most affectionate or loving person. So I changed and tried to be more affectionate and loving, but I guess it wasn’t enough.
But now I am sitting here heartbroken wondering if his new gf is in fact better than me? Will she get the best of him and I .. well I just settled for less? Or was there more that I could have done to have been “accepted”?
Hi my partner left me 5 months ago after 26 years he’s been seeing someone else for 5 months he’s so happy & buying her everything spending lots of money treating her he’s not like that normally it’s like he’s a different person I’m having to sell family home due to this
I am wondering did things change? Is he still with the girl?
Well maybe he is. I’m sitting here sad , another story of someone with a narcissistic ex.
I do know this; if he did you dirty, wrong, whatever the case is, I am a extremely firm beliver in what goes around comes around. I always wanted to play karma. Doing so pulled me out of character and made me just as bad. Your ex, will get back what he puts out in this world.
Let it go. And I’m so very sorry for your pain. Hard as it is to believe , it will pass.xoxo
Thank you for this and thank you for YOU, Becca. Xx
I had some similar thoughts about this topic. My ex and me broke up six months ago. During the relationship he lied to me constantly. Sometimes I found out about it. He has been on tinder several times, always online on WhatsApp for hours chatting, but not reading or replying to my text, meeting an ex even though he said he wouldn’t. when confronting him with his lies he blamed it on me. He was flirting with other women in front of me, disrespecting me in every way. He is 50 years old, still partying all the time, hanging out with his best buddy who has been single all his life and cheating on women all the time. He called his ex wife terrible names (she left him a second time – now I know why), said the failure of the marriage has been only her fault, when he cheated on her it was also her fault.
When he hurt me with his behavior he never excused himself for doing so.
I was hurt for a long time. It was a long distance relationship therefore I have not or will I ever see him again. I imagined for months that he must have met somebody already or even before our relationship ended and must be very happy now, I imagined that he would treat her like a queen, behave good, not cheat on her, stoped chatting online with other women, doesn’t flirt anymore.
Long story short: I have seen a recent profile pic of his best buddy on WhatsApp. A pic with both of them, my ex and his best buddy, partying again. I looked at the picture and I was over him in an instant. He did not change. He was still the man or better say boy he has always been. I am grateful for this break up which ended my misery of being lied to, being blamed for the bad behavior of him, for making me feel as if I were not good enough for him whereas he was never been good enough for me. We all deserve better than that. If someone treats you like this, does not value what you are, does not love you for who you are, run…. just run. And if you could not run because you thought they would change (this is called the fear of missing out, missing out a chance for being happy with this man) and in the end they left you don’t be sad. Some day you will be happy again. Latest when you realize that people like this never change.
My ex husband left me after 26 years while I was recovering from stage 3 breast cancer. He was fucking his boss who was 14 years old when we married. Pyscho daisy mae has done everything to try to Steele my life, my identity and to be me. Life has been a world wind . I have my life abd my family and this man had nothing when we met him. I am taken back that he has recently married this monster of a woman. The pain is real and is there, but I realized that I had to pull it from the core and rise above them. I know I’m a good woman and honest faithful and loyal. He will regret the day he destroyed our family. I believe she is his karma. Rise above know your worth and never say what does she have that I font. Be strong, you are beautiful and amazing let that shine and the right one will come along. Choose different not the same and you will attract someone that is the opposite of that person you beat yourself up about. Live ladies
What an inspiration you are. My Mother has breast cancer and I know how important it is to not stress during recovery especially. You couldn’t be my spot on, lovely, and inspirational Christina.
I hope you know how many people you will help by having the courage to share. All my love to you sister. You are never alone – we are here for and with you.
Thank you for existing. Xox
I can’t thank you all so much for your comments and Natasha for this article. I re-read this all the time. I’m truly heartbroken and destroyed after I was recently blindsided by my ex of 3 years, he cheated, lied, and left for me that girl, who also cheated, lied, and left her fiancé for my ex bf. To my knowledge they are still together but I must believe in karma and that it will come one day; maybe on that day he will realize everything he’s done to me and that I was the one who got away, truly it’s his loss. but he will never change. Its obvious now, this was me giving him a second chance, and what he did this time was 10x worse than the first.. he’s just getting worse. I am still struggling off/on but thankful that there are articles like this to help me through this. One day I will get better, heal, and become okay just takes time. I have a lot to work on but I hope one day he realizes things and what he truly lost. hoping and praying for the best ?
♥️xoxo Taylor
You are not alone, Taylor <3 And if I can get through it alone, you can most definitely get through this with me and this entire community by your side. Thank you for taking the time to share; thank you for being a part of this tribe and THANK YOU for being YOU.
Keep staying on your white horse and just know that I see you, I hear you, and I'm here. You got this, sister! xox
My ex has moved on and is posting smiling pictures together i have blocked them both I’m trying my best not too look as to me it looks a bit over the top and forced as they was uploading like every week a bit much ain’t it for couple images Iv never been like that and neither are my friends it’s like his trying to prove something. He was also stringing me a long same time as he met her. I found out about her and told him i knew and that I had enough of his games so I told her what was happening and to take care of herself. He told her I was crazy she blocked me and she’s stayed with him. His completely brainwashed her like he did me and he clearly hasn’t changed at all.
Thank you for this I have been so low dumped by text after 13 years x
You are not alone Lisa ♥️
Thank you for being you and thank you for being a part of this tribe. Xox
So, help me understand this. Met a woman online. She didn’t tell me she had recently broken up with an ex (who, by the way, was a 6 month rebound from her divorce). We only went on two dates in the space of 3 weeks. Then she suddenly told me she wasn’t sure about her feelings but she wanted to keep seeing me and see what happens. I politely declined and the next day she informed that she was getting back with her ex and hoped we could be friends. I politely declined and she cried. Now she’s posting every weekend about this ex but she’s dming me that she misses me. It was really a short-lived thing so while I’m disappointed because I think she used me to make her ex jealous to get him back, I’m not devastated. What I’m confused about is why she’s insisting on continued contact. What could this be about? Any ideas?
Because she is toxic, selfish, unhappy, and insecure. Happy people who are emotionally intelligent do not behave like this.
I wish I had the time to directly advise here on the comments (thank you for your kindness and understanding). I can answer this so quickly because I used to be very toxic, selfish, insecure, and unhappy myself.
This was one of my biggest worries because the ex has been instagraming his new life, new girlfriend and seems oh so happy without me HA. You write so well and you’re so so sarcastic – LOVE IT!
🙂 XOXO
Just what I needed Natasha ? I have seen him with this other girl and deep down I know he hasn’t changed. I think she’s the type to not tolerate his bs so he likes the chase, towards the end of our relationship he said terrible things to me that I still think about. I honestly hope she sees his bad side soon… He thinks the grass is greener on the other side but it won’t be. I made a sweet escape xxx
Thanks ?
Yes.You.Did.
I’m proud of you Liv <3 And just remember... People can't help but communicate who they are and we all eventually unfold. xxxxxxx
Hi Natasha,
How can you be sure that if he’s lied to you, cheated you, belittled you and finally leaves you for someone else, that he won’t be happy with the woman he left you for?
My ex looks extremely happy on social media with his new gf. Could he have finally found love? I mean there really must be wrong with me of I couldn’t make him feel anything but another woman can? What differentiates us both? OS she that better of a person all the way around than I am?
Sincerely,
Heartbroken
Hi Beautiful,
I wish that I had the time to answer your questions (thank you for your kindness and understanding). Bottom line: If someone has the capacity to lie, cheat on, and belittle you, I can assure you that they will not have the capacity to change this quickly on anything more than a totally superficial (i.e. social media) level. You are incredible. Don’t worry – just keep having your own back, come back here to the blog and know that the pattern will be repeated on HIS end, not yours. You now know what you will never put up with again. All my love to you. xoxo
Im just going through this situation. He showed off his new girl on my face after spending almost five years together.. and this article is totally right. He couldnt be with me because i was always complaining about his behaviour and it was my fault that our relationship ended that way. He said he wanted someone who showed him how happy she was with the little time he used to spend with me and all the texting he used to do with other girls.. i suffocated him because of my jelouspy.. . (his words)
Hi Yeny, I’m going through the same thing, it seems I have easily been replace by another girl. They seem so happy and I’m so sad. I’d like to communicate with you if that is ok
Gina: of course we can communicate. My email is yeny.rivas.ceron@gmail.com
XOXO
Gina: of course we can communicate. My email es yeny.rivas.ceron@gmail.com
I feel the same way. Nearly 5 years together and now hes off with someone else. I feel like i got him ready for her and now hes the ‘happiest hes ever been!’
I’m going through the same thing. And, I want to know how you got over all this. Can I email you?
In my case I had no idea he cheated on me , the break up was sudden , he was out late one night after training at the gym I fell asleep at home waiting for him when I woke up he was not home yet , so I Called him several times he didn’t answer , so of course I got worried , my first thought was his he ok , then when I kept calling and he didn’t answer I thought of maybe he is with a girl , finally when I got him on the phone is was about 1 in the morning , he said he was out with friends , long story short we were arguing as to how he should of at least messaged me or called saying he will be going out after the gym , instead he made me worry and think the way I did , he said that night that he doesn’t like it when I call him that much or ask him who he is with and that if I don’t like the way he treats me then we’re not meant to be together , so I automatically took that as him breaking up with me , and so now it’s been 7 months since the break up and the girl he left me for is exactly 7 months pregnant , and they are engaged. So does that mean he has changed ? Because with the 5 years we were together he hated the thought of getting married or having children and then all of a sudden 7 months after our break up he is engaged and is expecting a child . I feel so hurt and confused because he knew that’s what I wanted and so he is now having it with someone else .
I just saw the ex at the gym tonight…I was the one who got him the membership and he never used it. Now, he is working on himself and I feel like he is going to look fantastic! He even cut his hair and trimmed his beard. He didn’t fully take care of himself in our relationship…now out of it – he is and it’ll just prove his point he is better off without me. That is how I’m feeling right now. I feel like eventually his core will change now that he is “working” on himself.
Hi Nicole,
I know how maddening it is and I know how hard it must have been to see him. I’ve gone through the same thing too and it sucks. YOU are better off without him. Someone’s core does not change just because they trim their beard and go to the gym on a membership that they have for free. If that was the case, gyms and hair salons would be A LOT more packed; they’d have lines out the doors! He is still the same guy. I promise you. I know it’s hard but don’t tie your worth, value (or lack there of) to the actions of others. You’re not alone. Keep coming back here and readying the posts. xx
Hey Nicole, just read your post and I know how you feel, same situation as with my ex, he’s going all out to change his ways and be a better man in his new relationship, he’s learnt from his mistakes and now knows how to make it work with his new gf (if he truly wants to)
that’s why you met him, people come into your life for a reason, your taught him how to treat a real woman, (he taught you to raise your standards and never let a man make you feel unworthy as YOU deserve better than him and you will only find a better man who truly loves and will never leave (as in my case too)
I always keep in the back of my mind that leopards NEVER change their spots lol
They are truly selfish and WILL always go back to their true core (once he is comfortable again)
I couldn’t agree more! 🙂 xoxo
This one of truest articles ever written! Yes people can changed, but TRUST they don’t. I don’t care what you ex is doing its a mask, believe me when I tell you he’s taking it home at night just like you. Just like it says the more you detach the clearer you can think, once that happens you are on your way to becoming whole and be an even better woman for having gone through it. TRUST ME! Praying for your best 🙂
xoxo
Just came across your replies on this topic, you are soooooo right…..I have been wondering about a lot of the things you discussed here before reading what you wrote and I agree…..”different is only different until it is not” and all the same traits come back, you can only hide so long, from the REAL YOU!!! Thanks for the great comments!! 🙂 xo
???????? Thanks Wanda
Wow. I just read the article and omg i am 100000% related. Heres my story:
Me n my ex broke up like weeks ago. I dumped him because he abandoned me in a foreign country during our trip! 2 days later, my friend told me he met another girl at the foreign country and i was like no wayyy cos i know who he is that he hated being far from his gf, well thats what he told me when i was his gf.
I dumped him maybe because i was too emotional during the incident and didn’t think much about everything..i just think about all his wrongdoings. Now that i reread our old convo, i felt like things could have been better… I shouldn’t left the hotel, i shouldn’t make him mad during that time, maybe i was abit selfish idk.
And now im doing exactly the thing in the articles. Stalk the sh*t out of the new gf social media and see how happy he was.. i wish i could do better and treat him better, and thats the thing, i always justify the situation when we both argues. In the end, i blamed myself. And i think i was at the wrong too, but his effort was not there.. i silently wish he had worst relationship with the new girl tho. Give it few months… I do still care tho ;(
You are not alone, JayJay <3 Thank you for sharing and thank you for being a part of this tribe.
Omg how true is this! You are so right, it’s their true core and they will never change! My ex knew I was way too good for him but acted the opposite, like I should be privileged! He left me 2 times to get back with a previous ex twice and got engaged to her, then came back to me (yeah I know I must be stupid!!!). and then he chased a younger blonde bimbo he works with (while we were together unknown to me at the time) this girl had been single for 6mnths after ending her 3mth marriage wtf! He’s happy now, she lives 5 mins from him (I lived 90 mins away) works at the same place as him, so it’s all convenient lol and she is a smartass cocky bitch who makes him look dumbass on Facebook!
But I learned my lesson, yes I still miss the **** and the good times we had but he made my heart stronger and I will never ever go a 4th time with him and he knows it! I know my true worth, and what I deserve and what I want now, thanks to him! (And she can have him and his little dick!!!! Hehe)
LOL! You go girl. I’m proud of you! Keep coming back here and know that you’re never alone. It’s okay to miss him still but you are doing the right thing by having your own back and doing whats best for you xoxo
Thank you Natasha xxoo
I feel good and I know I’ll be ok and stronger than ever! (I’ll never let a man take advantage of me again and I’ve learnt the difference of who is truly worthy:)
Nice to know I’m not alone and this site gave me added emotional support that I needed xxxxxx
Proud of myself, i look out for me! Preselection and choices, who I let in now and he has to romance me and go all out and prove his love or f*** off lol
Different mindset, and I thank him for that, as I’m in control, finally!
Dating is going to be so much fun now ????
You GO girl. xxxx :))
I kicked my husband out after 30yrs and having his 3 kids whom he never had time for…. I found out about his 26 flings inc a blow job from a man ,his violence,his drinking,drug abuse and when I had to call the police because he had a knife at my throat and head butted me in front of our youngest. It all went to court and like a crazy fool I took him back because he’d undertaken anger management and promised to change. He didn’t of course and I was so dammed misserable because I thought it was my fault .. . ..now he’s got a new lady who he is wrapped up with and they look blissfully happy but she hasnt seen the real him yet .although he was swing somebody behind her back in the first couple of weeks behind her back so they were engaged within a month. and then he moved in with her within 3 months. So I’m not going to hold my breath and worry about what happens with them. . I’m now movd on and living life my way. if I ever do meet somebody I will probably have trust issues but that’s something I will have to deal with,but I am a complete advocate of leophards never change their spots . I would never speak to him again . I don’t need crap or fake people in my life
Thank you so much for sharing, inspiring, and for being a part of this tribe. You are not alone <3 All my love to you and your kids. xox
Mine kept talking to me, then posted photos of him and a girl half his age in a hotel room gazing at each other. He always refused to post photos of us because he wanted to be private. She’s been posting how she misses him…after 2 weeks together.
I keep thinking he’s going to be the amazing man I knew during the first few months with her and she will get the best of him.
I keep asking myself why he chose her and not me. Why he kept texting me like nothing was wrong weeks after he posted those photos. Why he called me crazy when I confronted him.
I did think he was the one, and I was so patient when he claimed to be too busy to text me every day while traveling. I feel like a piece of garbage. Like I wasn’t young enough (I’m still 12 years younger than him!), or pretty enough.
No hon – you were more than good enough. Its strange how when you read other people’s posts the clarity not having any emotion to cloud your mind gives you – but I do know how you feel. Hope you feel better soon.
I can’t tell you how much I needed to read this. After my ex broke up with me because he ‘wasn’t sure if he wanted a relationship, but if he did it would be with me’, I have held a torch for him for (this is embarrassing) almost a year. Despite the fact that he had gotten back together with his ex – the one he had thought was ‘The One’ – and they’d been dating for about five months, he told me in the same conversation that he ‘sometimes wondered if he made a mistake.’ He restricted me on Facebook (a blessing in disguise), but is the happy, picture-taking, adorable profile picture type with this girl that he never was with me. I sometimes wonder if he was trying to hide me from her, because I really feel like he was hiding her from me for a while.
I’m officially done with the parts of me that try and excuse things saying that he just needs to figure things out. I’m worth more than that. I don’t even know his ex, but she’s worth more than that, too. It’s hard to imagine that anyone will make me feel like he did, but even if I don’t find that again, this helped me realize that it came at too high a cost. He won’t change. Thank you so much for writing this.
Hi Alex,
Thank YOU so much for reading and for sharing your experiences. You are so, SO right. I’m so glad that the post served you 🙂 xoxo
I just read this and wanted to burst out crying. I was married for 25 years and he cheated on me twice and the second time he walked out, he never looked back. He seems so happy, has a new girlfriend and is moving on with his life, not a care in the world and it is like I never existed. I am trying every day to forget about him and some days are easier than others. Thank you for the words of encouragement. Just taking it day by day and I know that one day he will get his two-fold. I have always said you can change a lot of things but you can’t change the core, the foundation, of who you are. I know that I am so much better off, now I just have to believe it.
Hi Kristin,
I can only imagine how hard it is. Keep coming back here to the blog and just know that you’re not alone. xoxo
This is perfect. I left mine. Five years and he cheated on me I think quite often and did things like borrow money etc. He rejected me sexually but said nothing was wrong. He made me feel ugly and I’m not everyone e tellse I’m gorgeous (that is embarrassing to write lol) bit I don’t see it myself. He has never been faithful i heard. It’s a long story and I won’t bore you but it still hurts. He has someone else and so do I, but I still torture myself, that I was not good enough that he’s being g the perfect man with her. It holds me from giving my whole self. He did grieve for about a year after I left but still was texting me up to last yr when he was with her. Anyway I’m exhausted with it. I just needed to read this and know that I did the right thing .. that he is still a cheating man who loves himself. He hurt me immeasurably. Xx sorry.
No need to ever apologize! You’re not alone. I’m so glad that this post served you xxxxx
Can I ask – anyone – his whatsapp profile now has a pic of him and her in a posed smacker kiss type thing – you know the whole pucker up selfie post – cant see her face and from side but but his eyes closed etc.. Here the thing : does this mean he is more into her than he was with me -he did not post profile pics with me but we did have lots done together although I have to say I dont post selfies of partners with me – its my phone/my social media!. Could he have ACTUALLY changed into a caring one woman man whom he loves – or is it : just a pic – a snapshot of a moment – which says nothing really or is saying actually quite a lot – whatever way you look at it.
I have decided to get some counselling to help me with this dilema. I promise to you all out there I WILL NOT look at his pic or anything to do with him any more. I just need some words on this one point.
The pain has been immeasurable – the self doubt crushing and it has dimmed me as a person.
Love and hug to all of you xxx Thank you for your advice.
It doesn’t mean he’s changed. I’m proud of you. Take care of YOU. You’re not alone xoxo
you cheered me up girl and i have been reading this over and over again for the last 2 months because its bring a smile on my face when i know my loser ex is not happy with the new downgrade gf like he show on the social media, he start dating her one week after messy breakup.
i don’t have him he blocked me but sometimes friends tell me.. he said it to me months before the breakup how bad is this girl i don’t believe he end up dating her after 6 months still hurt lil bit but honestly i’m so much better without him for 3 years he lied to me about everything and cheated on me and i forgave him just because his sweet words i sometimes now think he didn’t even love me and it was all lie even if i was his really longest relationship he cared a lot about me but didn’t stop lying !! , but after reading your article i’m sure the day will come when his new happy life will end specially his new gf is crazy b**** just because she has curves to show she think she can play games …
Hi Nora!
I’m so happy that the post was helpful 🙂 thank you so much. Stay strong, turn inward and keep having your own back. You deserve so much more than a non-mutual relationship xo
Thank you so much for this. I’ve been getting over an ex who’s still trying to play me and I read this article over and over to remind me that I deserve better.
Hi Holly!
I’m so happy that it helped <3 You are not alone and deserve so.much.more than crumbs.
Thanks for taking the time to comment; for being you, and for being a part of this tribe.
All my love to you, soul sister. xxo
Perhaps my ex does love her more than he did me and he has changed. Perhaps it is just that simple.
Hi! I’m new to this blog and I am not sure I believe you. ( Not in a mean sense, but just that I believe he has changed). Throughout our relationship I asked him to please stop contacting his ex and to set boundaries with all of his other “friends” that he would meet at the bar. He refused and said that “you are my girl, and they know it, you have nothing to worry about.” I did everything for him and was supportive during his darkest times, I even put my dreams on hold to help him in his time of need. He drained me, and I started to resent him, but I didn’t think he would leave me…ever…until he did. At the time we were on and off, but still acting like a couple. But to my surprise he had someone new. His new girlfriend is long distance, of his same culture , and they have been dating for 3 months. He never told me about her, I found out because one day she answered his phone and said “I am his girlfriend “. I was in complete shock and lost my mind. They moved really fast, and are going to be engaged. (She hit him with the I think I am late text). I was with him for 5.5 years, how did he move on so quickly, and even more devastating how is he able to cut me off completely ( he changed his number and blocked me on Facebook ) in a matter of weeks and jump into a potential marriage? His last conversation he kept saying that he is “so sorry to do this to me” and that I “made him a better man” but that his new girlfriend ” loves him in a different way” and he plans to marry her. He even cried! I feel like he has changed. Help me!
Hi Dr. Heart broken,
Email me I’m going through the exact same thing. Bijangirl@yahoo.com
We can talk and support each other
I am going through the same thing , my ex is engaged now and is expecting a child . Our break up was 7 months ago and the girl is exactly 7 months pregnant. We were together for 5 years . How were you able to heal from your situation ?
Dr HeartbrokenI felt the same way as you, and still do to an extent however I’m getting there …… but … emotionally disconnect yourself. Then, breathe and think. It may be that you just weren’t ultimately right for each other, however …. its more likely that he is a complete and utter ARSE who has met someone who is challenging him in a different way … but dig deep down in your gut .. do YOU think he will change??? I suspect you will know the answer. It’s always there, in them, same as traits you and I and everyone else has, and will always be in us, however much we try to change it .. how many people think I won’t be so loving next time I’ll be a bitch blah blah .. only to be as loving and hopeful yet again … its what we are. hon, you are worth so much more than this sorry excuse. Listen to Natasha .. cause she is right xxxx
<3 xxxxxx
Hi Natasha,
It’s been 2 months since I last saw the f tard, everything is totally over my emotions have gone wild and friends family and your blog have helped me through so much heartache ?
I have gotten so much stronger and I thank you dearly because this blog has really supported me and reading all the other ladies experiences too. My sister has noticed a change in me, she says I’m stronger and more self assured now ?
But part of me still gets that uneasy feeling that the idiot is getting everything with his new girl. I know him I know about the emotional unavailability, womanising ways and the way he can be so rude and disrespectful. Seeing them on social media broke me but I look at his pictures and still see the same shitty guy. I just need to stop thinking it was me.
Have you got any advice?
Love you Natasha
Love Liv ??
Hi Liv!
That makes me so happy to hear!! Thank you so much beautiful 🙂 <3
It wasn't you. You need to let him own his behavior and understand that people do not change, they unfold and reveal themselves over time. He is the same guy with her and will do the same unfolding. Decent people that are capable of mutual love and respect do not just save all of their bad behavior for you. He is the same guy. The only person that has changed is you 🙂 you are building your strength back and just continue to be good to yourself and have your own back. It's totally normal to feel uneasy. You are so not alone Liv. Love you too! xoxo
Heartbroken you can email me too, I’m going through the exact same thing. It’s awful. Bijangirl@yahoo.com
My ex left me because he wanted Kids and a Career and he decided I wasnt’t a good fit because I was not as far along in life as he was.
Now my whole life has been about trying to prove to him that I am not a screw up. But I am failing at University, I Keep breaking down and avoiding to write my Bachelor Thesis.
He’s now Dating a Girl that’s currently finishing her super fancy psychology doctors degree. I have read some of her work, it’s really sophisticated and I hate her. He finally got himself a great Job, now they both have tons of Money and go on vacation all the time. Like real grown ups, they have it all together. This is so painful to watch. His times of eating blunt Pasta with me for 7 days straight because we are both out of Money are over.
I Keep thinking he left me because I am a looser that can’t even financially take care of herself, a burden. This hurts so much but I can’t pick myself up.
The worst part is, I know exactly he is a womanizer who will never be satisfied with the Attention of one woman only. I’m glad I found that article. I will read it everyday until I finally let go of my bruised ego. Thank you for that.
Hold onto that knowingness that you have of who he really is, turn inward and take care of you <3 Thank you for reading, for sharing and for the love xxxxx
Just what I needed to read after the guy I was seeing who kept telling me Facebook is fake and how he would never fall in love, has made his new relationship public with a new girlfriend 10 years younger than me, expressing his love and admiration towards her with roses and seeking validation and glory from his Facebook friends! It all happened within 3 weeks of him blocking and cutting me off from his life!
You are truly amazing thank you for empowering us and reminding us he importance of self love and dignity!
Thanks Diana 🙂 xoxo I’m proud of and happy for you that you’re out of that situation and having your own back now. You deserve so much more.
My on and off again ex left me for good this time, 2 months ago. He’s now been seeing a girl 5 years younger than me, they’ve been together for two weeks. He’s posted all over his facebook about how he’s never met a girl like her and no one has ever made him smile the way she does. I truly feel like he has left his emotionally unavailable ways in the past. They’re already talking (jokingly) about marriage. She’s a definite upgrade from me and it makes me feel worthless.
Hi Sarah! You’re not worthless. You need to turn inward and work on yourself. I know it’s hard. Keep coming back here to the blog. You’re not alone xoxo
Are they still together? Do you still care? My bf of one year (and live in for 8 months) just left abruptly without even a proper goodbye–just a “I’ll probably never see you again.” I dread the day I’ll see him on online with someone new and his age (I’m nearky a decade older). It’s getting better but I miss him still so much…not sure I’ll ever get over it. We were very much in love but towards the end fighting a lot–mostly due to my “insane jealousy.” I feel like a loser that ruined it all. Would appreciate your reply. Thanks!!!!
Natasha,
You’re amazing. I have this post booked marked in my phone, as always up in my background pages on my internet- it serves as my daily (read: 683848 times a day ) reminder that this new girl is not better than me and is not reaping all the benefits of what I worked on with my ex. It’s still raw, even after 2 months. But when I feel those icky, crawling feelings start to emgere, I know just the comfort I can run to stop those ruminating and devaluing feelings. You’ve saved me in so many instances from being the psychotic ex, and instead keeping it classy and respecting myself. I hope that one day, he’ll be blindsided by a faint memory of me, and realize I was the one who got away, but regardless I have me and my white horse for life.
You GO girl! That’s what I like to hear 🙂 8 weeks is still extremely fresh and I know the pain you’re going through. You are doing the right thing and already are the one that got away. Keep treating yourself well and just know that you’re not alone. Thanks for the love 🙂 xoxo
Hi Natasha ??
It’s been nearly 7 months now since I last saw the f tard , since he discarded me and moved on with his ego boosting little blonde. It has been hard I cannot deny that, but one thing is for sure… it DOES get easier ladies! I make the effort to keep coming back to this blog and comment when I feel like crap; it’s like my therapy ? In the last 7 months I have gone back to university, travelled around Europe, gone back to the gym and made the effort to change. I still thinking about him and wonder if he thinks about me but I understand his narcissistic behaviour now and realise that I could never be happy with a guy like that!
I still get pain contractions Nastasha but your blog is my therapy ?
Thank you , you’re an angel
Love Liv ???
Liv!!! I love you soul sister! Thank you so much 🙂 I can’t even begin to tell you just how proud of you I am. You are as beautiful on the inside as you are on the out and I’m so proud of and inspired by the self care, proactive attitude, love and grace that you have emanated and portrayed despite the f tard and the subsequent heartbreak. Pain contractions are normal. I got one that was so bad yesterday, I didn’t know how I was going to get through the day, but I did. We all are survivors and we all have each other <3 Thank you so much for sharing and thank you for being the angel that you are too 🙂 xxxx
Hi there,
This is one of the most well pieced articles I have read and it offers great comfort when going through such situations.
I met my ex at university, we were friends, he chased me and then we dated for around six years and got engaged. The last few months of the relationship he treated me so badly to the point where I was crying on a daily basis not knowing what I had done wrong.
There came a moment when on my birthday the cruel treatments and silent treatments made me question whether life was even worth anything.
He had been cheating the whole time with a woman who knew about me. Looks wise we couldn’t have been more different and it really made me question myself as a person. I never got a apology rather was just told I was too controlling.
He spoke to me a few times after we broke up and seemed to enjoy rubbing in how happy he now was. It made me really sad I felt I lost so many valuable years of my life. Now all I see is the girl posting happy pictures of them together but when I look at his face all I see is pure evil.
It is a shameful and disgusting thing to deceive people in the manner they did and perhaps there is a karma there.
Hi Ricky! Thank you so much. I’m so sorry that you’ve gone through this all. You’re not alone. Stay on your white horse and let karma do its thing because it will xoxo
I was going thru it yesterday on the 4th of July .. The guy I was quasi with before liked to yank me around emotionally off and on – was abusive and had gone back to shooting up Herion and meth .. After choosing to walk away after the 749473939 time on emotional hell merry ground he decided to move in with some new girl who I believe has no idea the extent of serious his addiction is … Him and I had gotton more serious after his last ex and .him broke up but he was never ready to be committed to me because of not being over the previous relationship . Although I could understand this I felt like he pulled me close and then sucked me emotionally dry and then dropped me for the next girl bc she didn’t challenge him to get off drugs and was happy being on an emotional ferris wheel .Anyways I made the stupid mistake of browsing her Facebook page yesterday and found pictures of them eating frozen yogurt together all happy and their names intertwined with hearts made out wire and I just went back to an emotional pit of hell thinking how much better he was and happier he was with her . And even tho I know it wasn’t my fault It fell apart bc he was a lying abusive addict I couldn’t help but feel if I had just been more patient while he was trying to emotionally heal then him and I would be together now … Even tho I know I has every right to walk away from a narcissist emotional predator who was like this long before he met me.. Ultimately I’m learning to be more loving to myself and to not feel like I missed out on something good . I realize ultimately unless he beats his addiction he will repeat the same abusive behavior . Although he ghosted me I am trying to live with it and recognize I dodged a serious bullet .. But it’s really hard sometimes . Being a recovering addict myself with 4 years of sobriety I know a relationship with an active addict would have been a bad deal . I still love him and we did have some good times together .. It’s just really hard to feel like he’s moved on so hard and forgot me . I did a lot to save his life and pick him off the street when he needed a place . That being said . I’m done being mother teresea of broken narcissist. Thank you for this article and all the others . It’s saved me so many times .??
You are being your own savior now and I couldn’t be more proud of or happy for you Lynn. We are ALL cheering you on; you’ve part of a tribe here 🙂 X
Hi Natasha, I’m just now reading your website. I’m in college I ended it with my ex about two months ago. We were together for a year and two months and not even a week after our relationship ended, he posts a picture of another girl as his WCW only for me to find out later on he is now with this girl and he’d been sleeping with her the week before we broke up but he’d been talking to her weeks before we broke up. He and I met in the African Student Union (ASU) so she’s into all this spiritual African religious stuff that I can’t get into (something he tried to turn me into). He was a manipulative, egotistical, condescending, asswipe but I can’t help but feel angry, betrayed, rejected, and dirty. He’s smart, ambitious, handsome, and he was so sweet at the beginning and I stayed hoping he would get right. I would never go back to him after everything he’s put me through but I feel so hurt that he gets to be happy and I’m left to pick up the pieces. He and I are still connected virtually on ig because we follow alot of the same people and the same pages. It’s like she’s everything he wanted. She has way more followers than me and so does he and she seems more in tuned with her “spiritual” side but I don’t practice that. This was my first relationship and the only person I’ve been with intimately and I thought I would be over it after 2 months NC. Why does it sting still?
My ex left after being together for 18 months 2 days later he was with someone else he used to be the biggest lier and manipulative person he made me feel worthless and now in his new relationship his doing everything i wanted him to do with me i just cant believe he replace me so fast sometimes i feel worthless because he so happy and i’m still healing ?
Loved this article!! Sent it to my 17 year old daughter who unfortunately had her first cheating,lying fucktard! She loved it and it made her feel better! He moved on in less than a week with a 15 year old who looks very similar to my daughter but is known to be slutty! She has been stalking them for the past month including egging his car. And is shocked he isn’t contacting her! I am hoping this makes her realize that she deserves better and changes how she will react when he does. Such a hard lesson to learn! Even for Mom who believed the boy to be genuine
This made my day! So happy that it helped! 🙂 Thanks Sharon XOXO Sending all my love to you and your daughter.
So I decided trite this because I just found out something amazing (?) today that set me free after four long months of excruciating pain. I always came back and read this post in order to convince myself that I wasn’t the heartless bitch that caused my poor ex to run away…however there were times in which I wasn’t so sure…until I found out that I was once the new girl! Which means that when I started dating this f*cktard, his former girl suffered watching him sending the same gifts to me!!! traveling to the same locations with…me!!! Just as I suffer when I open Facebook and I see the same flowers sent, chocolates and even same phrases dedicated to his most recent victim. Guess what? He wasn’t happier with me and he didn’t treat me better. At the end he even left me using the same method. Girls…we are truly better than this!!! They never change!!!!! This is totally trueeee and there will come a time in which you will get confirmation that he is an a**hole. Don’t waste more of your time.
Who are you, and thank you.
xoxo
Thank you so much. This is the most powerful writing i have ever read. I’m dealing with a emotional breakdown since a year now. And I’m finally relieved. I just hope that he gets his payback and that all this turns out to be true
Thank you so much thank you ??
Thank YOU Azuka 🙂 I’m happy it’s helped! All my love to you soul sister. XOXO
This blog is absolutely the best. I hope I am not too late to post my craziness. I was in a 7 year relationship with what I thought was the love of my.life. We were inseparable. He did things around the house that I didn’t have to ask to do, we had great communication and spent so much time together. After 2 years, we were engaged and pregnant. He glorified the fact that I was so independent. But once I got further into my pregnancy I started to rely and expect more from him. That’s when our relationship took a turn for the worst. He started emotionally abusing me for being so needy. So much that I stopped asking for his help around the house and relied on my mother and family. Once I had my daughter, things were OK, but he never was hands on with helping. I worked during the day and he was off during the day, yet I still had to cook, clean, do homework with my child, grocery shop etc. I started to become a nag. He started being spiteful and leaving the house without saying where he was going. He committed all his time to his son and football. I begged this man for a getaway, for date nights and he always made up excuses. I finally had enough. We were living together but lived separate lives.
I asked him what his plans for marriage and he always gave me excuses. I then have him an ultimatum for us to set a date or he would have to leave. I came home the next day and his things were packed. I helped him pack. He thin started to slow walk the move. One day I knew I had to run errands so I asked him to help our child with her homework…probably coloring a damn picture and he flicked off on me saying I was inconsiderate asking him to do that knowing he had worked a double shift. I had had enough and I told him to get the rest of his things and leave. He did. He never came back and barely talked to me or his daughter for 7 months. I met someone new and all of sudden he wanted us back. Saying he had changed. I was torn not knowing if he really had changed or if he just wanted to move back in. I told him that I would need to take my time. It wasn’t fast enough for him and because I didn’t jump back into his arms…he made a decision to let it go and move on.
So within 4 months I find out from social media that he is in love, taking vacations, going to concerts and all kinds of things he couldn’t do with me because of work or his obligations with his sons football team. It crushed me. I am seeing 7 years of what I begged for being given to a woman of 4/5 months. She seems to love life and traveling and he is right there with her. It is so hard to not doubt yourself but I’m stressed to the core wondering if after I left him he really did change for the better or is this woman so awesome that she is bringing out the best of him. He still does the “basics” for my daughter but is still not an involved dad. But he has all the time in the world now to nurture this woman who has grown kids and is living Ber life to the fullest.
It is amazing how everyone that has been in a relationship with these narcissistic ass holes think about and feel the same way. It really helps to know you’re not alone. I have been so depressed over thinking hes changed for her. Up until a week ago he was practically begging me to sleep with him, telling me he lived and missed me, how he was going to church and trying to live his life the right way. I didnt follow thru with it because hes used me so many times for sex and fed me all that “love of his life bullshit”. Of course after I didn’t give in he just stopped talking to me, then a few days later I see a post on facebook of him and the girl he claimed was just a friend, she gave this long spill about how grateful she was to be with him and how day after day hes has supported her and how amazing he is. Turns out he was trying to use me on the side until he could get her to let her guard down. I have been devastated with all the thoughts about him treating her so good, being soo angry that she doesn’t have to put up with what I put up with and that hes just off living this happy life while Im in therapy and can hardly get out of bed. But articles like this remind me that its all bullshit. Hes always been a lying cheating asshole, long before me. Theres no way that he has changed in 2 months, bo matter how much hes going to church. And really he gave me proof beacuse he was still trying to lie and use me 2 weeks ago. Yeah he may be with her but she is not any better, he doesnt think any more of her than me, he was trying to be with me behind her back. They use everyone! And there is always another girl lined up! Always!
OMG I almost had a breakdown seeing them on FB, we have the same exact photos!!!! They’ve been in Paris and all we planned to do together! They look so happy and that relationship status almost knocked me down. It couldn’t be any worse even though it was me who dumped him I just couldn’t get over all that happiness and romance they are proudly share everywhere But deep down I somehow feel it is her NOW who has to deal with all his bullshits, his porn addict, sex addict and all those fucking female friends. Your article has been sent from heaven , I couldn’t be more grateful <3
So happy it helped!! Thanks Hiti! 🙂 XOXO
Hi Haiti.
Sounds like we have similar exes. He is also flaunting his new girlfriend on Facebook. Hurt like he’ll at first but I just think about the porn an sex addiction and realize he wasn’t such a great catch after all. Xx
How is it possible for my ex to be engaged to this new girl less than three months after we broke up? He texted to tell me after I had implemented strict no contact following his text that he was seeing someone new. Has anyone else experienced this? Im so terrified how I will feel seeing all the photos I don’t FB stalk and I never replied to the engagement text.
Will try to write a post on this soon! Keep coming back here to the blog. You’re not alone Millie <3 x
I am so lost, my ex and I broke up beginning of December and literally two weeks after that he told me he was seeing someone new and that they already had sex. It is now end of January and all of a sudden he started liking my photos on IG when he is not even following me(im not on private.. nothing to hide lol) which means hes going out of his way to search my name up and find me. He also tells my friend everyday what Inpost on Ig and constantly asks about me.We have a child together and were together almost nine years on and off. Very rocky but i was always loyal and stayed true to him because i loved him way too much. He told me today he is thinking about asking this “girl” he has been sexing and seeing since we broke up to be his girl on VDAY. im hurt and heartbroken.She is ten years younger than him. What does she have that I dont? He says he enjoys spenind time with her because they dont argue. My friends say it wont last because because she is a rebound and he jumped right into the relationship when we broke up. Why is he ig stalking me and talking to my friend about me everyday if he wants to be with this girl? I find it truley nasty she opened her legs to him three weeks into knowing him smh. -lost
Thank you so much for this post. It was word-for-word what I needed. I had been seeing a guy for months – he said he “wasn’t ready for a relationship,” but I liked him so much and was so happy I thought I’d let things continue (so, you know, he would get to know me and love me and realize he wanted and needed me), and then I’d bring up our relationship status again later. (So stupid!) Out of nowhere he stops replying to my texts, ignoring them even as I begged him just to tell me what was going on. When he finally did reply, it was to tell me he needed to stop seeing me so he could concentrate on his career and aging parents. I was hurt, but accepted it.
Well well well, come to find out he’d actually met someone else. And after mere weeks, they’re posing for pictures together at events and she’s tweeting about her wonderful “boyfriend.” Boyfriend! I maaayyy have lost my mind a little bit. I had to start the recovery process over again, but with a new layer of hurt on top. The thing that I can’t let go of right now is how similar she seems to me. She’s not a perfect 10, she’s not a bridge troll. She’s not better, she’s not worse. She seems like a nice girl who, if the circumstances were different, I would like to have as a friend. We like the same things, have similar senses of humor, and both fell hard for the same guy. Now I know I am only making assumptions based on social media (and I am learning to resist the temptation to look at their profiles!), but that’s the thing that hurts. It’s like he wants someone LIKE me, but only slightly different. I’m driving myself crazy trying to figure out what that “slightly different” is.
As I work through this, I know I’ll be rereading this post again and again. Thank you for your amazing work.
Hi Sarah! I’m so happy that this post helped! You are supported, loved, understood and believe in. Keep coming back here to the blog – you’re not alone. Love to you soul sis. XO
Thank you sooo much for this post! Like many, I’m currently and STILL going through the emotional process of getting over this guy I used to date. He’s currently dating the same girl I found out he was talking to while he was talking to me. I’ve been through sexual assault from a past partner so I take dating serious and I find it somewhat difficult to share my feelings with a guy I’m dating in fear of vulnerability. I never told him about this because I wasn’t sure if he was the serious type. I became pretty distant once I found out he was talking to the other girl (and he could tell I was distancing from him so he probably got bored) until I completely cut him off. This happened almost a year ago and I haven’t heard from him ever since I cut ties with him. Now I see on social media that he’s been taking that same girl on dates and met her mom. I immediately felt the “was I not good enough?” Feeling. Your post will help me out so much as I know that I’m not alone when it comes to situations like this!
I’m so glad it helped! Thanks Kris 🙂 You are loved, supported, believed in, understood and never, ever alone. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you sister. xx
Natasha, you hit on so many feelings we experience when the phenomenon known as “our ex has moved on” occurs. When the powers of the Internet revealed to me much more than I needed or had any business to know, it was an almost immediate downward spiral. She’s prettier than me… he obviously likes her more than he ever liked me (two big bouquets of flowers… fancy dinners)… wait is that a tattoo with his name on it after less than a couple months of dating? I felt simple, inadequate and boring. I felt all the self-work and love I’ve been pouring into myself these last 9 months fly out the window. Then I found this… and I read it multiple times a day. Not only because it helps me remember that the guy with the grandiose gestures is the same guy who called me an effing weirdo when I asked if he was still hung up on his divorce (he talked about his ex a lot). And not because his true colors are still there and might show themselves to her – they were truly shown to me and that is not what I want. I may be a slow mover… I may not pose in lingerie on cars or dye my hair to show I’m changing my life. But there is no one I would rather be than me. Thank you for helping me remember that. Xo
Jenny! I am in tears. Thank you so much for your love, feedback and for sharing your experience. I feel you sister – on every level. You are a gem. All my love to you! XO
Love this comment!!! Yes!!! #MeToo
Thanks for this it made me think a bit.
My story is a little different as I was the one that left him after 5.5 years, but not because I didnt love him, but I couldnt take the lies anymore, and always being second best. There was always some other prettier girl he would be texting, (I wont go into much detail), but at that point i decided it would be best if i left him, and I was so right, he moved on a few months after I gave his ring back (yep we where engaged) and that new relationship lasted about half of what ours did.
We then had contact again, which was nice for a while, being able to talk again and talk about small things from the past, and you get lost in it all for few minutes or less, but then you realise nothing has changed…. I saw the lies where still there, same as always, and he would still make more time for other girls, more then he ever did with me. Non the less I then stopped replying and contacting him, as much as it hurt, but i HAD TO. He is now in another new relationship, and as much as it hurts I really do hope he is happy.
I cant help but think though, why was i never worth the fight or effort, why could he move on so quickly after me and be VERY HAPPY. Why can I not move on and why does it still kill me to see him with someone else, when he has clearly moved on and not given me another thought. WHY?
I’m happy that the post helped <3 I wish I could elaborate further, but can't on the comments.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog.
I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further ? The link to it is on the homepage.
All my love to you.
You’re not alone xo
You have no idea how much I needed this. I was in toxic relationship with one guy and when we broke, he started to date a new girl. Even after that he was still texting me and hiding his new girlfriend from me and claiming it was not serious (even though they were moving to same place!)
I was stalking their common happy life and their trips abroad, adventures and comments how people complimated them for being so such a good couple. I wanted to scream that this guy is a jerk who really aint what he seems like. Yet, I still felt that this girl had actually managed to change him (even though the prove was in front of me, that he was not, as he kept texting me during their relationship..) I felt jealous and “lower2 person.
But this text made me really realize that I am not the only one feeling like this and it is ridicilous to feel so. So thank you so much <3!
I’m truly honored to help 🙂 thanks Maria!! Sending you love. XOXO
Hello Natasha, thank you so much for your post. I read this a while ago and found it so encouraging to those who are facing that internal doom of hearbreak. Thank you so much for your insightful post is so helped it helped. I split with my royal crown double diamond encrusted mind f**k ex 2 and a half years ago. Although I have recovered as I was surrounded by loving humans that gave me so much support, I still get that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. My ex did the same, got with a new girlfriend and plastered it all over Facebook like a pair of silly little school girls (looking back very cringy). At the time, I was devastated, felt that my world was crashing and burning. I questioned myself, my looks, am I fat, did I bore him and the list goes on. Now, coming out of it the other end (just about) with my self respect in tact, I realised something. Do I want be with a man who falls in love after 3 weeks? do I want to be called his Queen (yuk), would I regret getting a matching tattoo (of a King and Queen crown bluuuur) absolutely? I want something real , fundamental and genuine and won’t have anything less. I wouldn’t wish a narc on anyone but, although now is too painful to see, in time it does make you much stronger and wiser. Love to you Natasha and keep up the good work xxx
Hi Zoe! I want to high five and hug you simultaneously 🙂 !! Your comment had me laughing and also made me tear up because I’ve been there too. All my love to you soul sister. Thank you for being a part of this tribe! xxxx
Thank you! Thank you! These message has truly helped me today. After seven years in a relationship my ex cheated, left me and move in to the house I helped him buy with the woman he cheated on me with. After almost a year and when I finally tough I was moving on he came back and all he wanted was sex and yet I fell for it over and over again. This week he decided he wants to be better and cutoff all contact with me leaving all hurt again while stating he wants the best for me. I was wondering wether he will become a better man for her, but you’ve really describe him above. I do honestly now feel better to be honest it still does hurt and it still difficult specially during the mornings . Everyday as I wake up and I realized that it’s not just a nightmare and that I am still struggling in so many ways my whole world falls apart all over. But I read your posts every day and it always seems to help me. I feel so I am slowly making progress and loving my self more everyday and you have been a great part of my recovery. I am sending blessings your way..?
Again Thank you!!
I’m honored to have helped 🙂 Thank you so much Yaritza!! XO
I have been in a relationship for 5 years with a man I truly love. He had left me for the third time again for his ex. Prior to me, his relationship with his ex last about 9 years. They had their ons and off also before he started a relationship with me when he thought it was over. The first 2 times he left me, I initiated the no contact rule. It never lasted for 3 months before he came crying back for me. I forgave him, like a fool. The second time he came back around, he made many promises to me, and even stated he was done, and how stupid he was to leave me and would never hurt me again because i would never hurt. Him. We even went forward to me moving closer to him so we can see each other everyday and took prove to me I am for keeps. Well, I sacrifriced everything and moved 1000 miles away from home to be with him not knowing anyone. Getting back with him was Sept 2015, I actually moved after careful thought and believing him Sept 2016. Now, the end of June, 2017, he called me and said he cannot come over and see me anymore because he still loves his ex and trying to work things out. I couldn’t believe after promising he would never have contact with her again, her being so cruel and mean, and he knows it, went back to her. I am so beside myself right now with no one to talk to. How did he change that quickly towards me, especially he bought me flowers less than a week ago, and saw each other the day before the break up with hugs and kisses! HELP!
Hi Truly Heartbroken,
I wish that I could advise, but I don’t have enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give advice in the comments section.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.
I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further ? The link to it is on the homepage.
All my love to you.
You’re not alone xo
Wow! What a read
My bf broke up with me on v-day! And been 7months now with all the excuses in the world of how he cant be with me…his addictions his longing to look for god you name it he’s used it. I recently found out he started a bussiness with a new/ old woman that he had known but is news to me. Turns out they were fb friends since 2014 and we met 2013 so hmm yea how convient that right after 3 weeks i applied the NC rule he is able to completely shut me out…no more random txt no more liking my posts on fb. And on the day i sent him an apology/ making my peace txt, the same day he reacted/love a photo that his partner posted on her profile which he never does he only likes posts and that is seldom also ( yea i did the crazy ex gf who stalks their ex thing) but hey we do what we gotta do, for me i always knee there was more to the break up due to past incidents. Anyway he seems to be succeeding and yes good for him. But we all know thats not the happiest thing to see at the moment. So i have read many posts about breakup make up anyrhing to do with exes. And I found this! This is helping me so much and everytime my mind tries to mess with me telling me negative things about myself that he is better without me and has changed. This post really is helping me push those thoughts away so that i can stay strong with my faith. I took this fall hard and it shattered everything EVERYTHING inside and around me and i shut everyone out making me go auto pilot the entire time. You know like doing your daily routine but not mentally and emotianlly there?. Thank you soo much for this post i will keep referring to this everytime the devil wants to mess with me. It would be great to get a 1 on 1 session , i think that would be my divergence. Bless us all.
I meant 6 months but feels like the entire 2 years of our 3 yr cus he did the break up and make up scene way too many times before. He wanted out long before…..*sob*
Hi! I’m happy that the post helped! 🙂 XOXO
I’m just now going through the same situation. I’ve been trying to process this with a few close friends of mine. He was completely emotionally abusive during our 3 year relationship, and I’m happily in a new relationship for almost 10 months now. This new guy is the man of my dreams. My family loves him, my friends love him. They all ask me “why did you even date your ex? nobody liked him!”. I was stuck in the web of a toxic relationship. My ex tore me down to nothing, and made me feel small. Every other day was an hour long fight about something I did wrong, no matter how small. Then another hour of me apologizing for not saying sorry for doing the thing I did wrong the “correct” way. And cheating on me on top of that.
Now that I see him in a new relationship, and seemingly happy, I’m battling between being happy for him, and wanting him to show his true self to this poor girl. I feel like I’d get some form of validation that it wasn’t “just me” that he treated like shit.
I’m friends with one of his exes, who is now getting married to a great man, but she and I have never talked about her relationship with our ex. Part of me feels like asking her about why they broke up, just so that I can have my feelings validated. I need to know that it wasn’t just me that made him treat me that way, I need to know that the abusive, manipulative behavior is just who he is at his core. I want some justice. I’m having a hard time dealing with the fact that he can treat me the way he did, and end up in a happy relationship. She seems like a nice girl, and she doesn’t deserve a guy like that. They’ve only been dating for what looks like about a month, and his first huge angry outburst happened with me after about 2 months. It seems like he’s in the phase of “love bombing” her. I’m hoping that in time his true colors will reveal themselves. Until then, I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. I’m just going through the initial shock of it all right now.
It also sucks because the man I’m with now is so incredibly wonderful, I love him so much. He knows a lot of the things I went through, and has been completely understanding about it all, I just don’t want this horrible past relationship to impact my relationship with him.
Ugh, I have a lot of thoughts. Haha
Hi Flora!
Thank you so much for sharing 🙂 You are understood, empathized with, backed, believed in, supported and never, ever alone. Wish I had the time to elaborate on everything (thank you for understanding!). Sending you big love. XOXO
Im going through the same situation. I was with him for 2 years have been liking him through middle and high school and he left me for some girl who is older then me by 6 YEARS. He says that their both happy and he say he is “changing” his ways. I hate how i got all the sh*t but yet with this new girl hes apparently treating her so wonderfully. She gets taken to all the family events he never once took me to a family event. Mind you they have only been dating for maybe 3-4 months offically. It just pisses me off how he gets to be all happy and i get to be left all unhappy watching him be happy.
I was with my ex for 6 years…… He has two daughters, different mom’s, is divorced, had his first kid at 17…… Anyway, I played step mom and fell in love with the girls and his entire family. We had a lot of rough times, and there were a lot of issues with him crossing lines sending pics texting talking to hanging out with other women, and lying. Yeah, I have him crap about it and i, to him, was to blame for not letting crap go and holding on and bringing it up after the fact, mostly when it would happen again. I know I am to blame for things, I would leave the house or walk away at the store if we argued or I cried, and I should’ve maybe stayed…… He always wanted threesomes, but wouldn’t marry me…. He did ask though a yr into the relationship, I just didnt think we were ready…. And never asked again. Anyway. We’ve been broken up a yr and a half now. We have remained in contact the whole time….. Last August we started seeing each other, but had to seek around with it….. I learned he was dating someone else. I straight up Said I’m not going to be a friend with benefits. He then said while we were making love that he picks me loves me and wants me back….. And no more her. This was November. I told him I’d trust him if he was telling the truth. He swore he was. Then I was only allowed over after 9 am ….. Or he’d be mad. He’d cancel plans short saying he had to work. January he called and said is get a call from a number I didnt know Don’t answer. I pushed him to tell me why. He said the woman he was seeing saw our messages. Was mad. He isnt seeing her anymore but gave her one more ride to work, dropped his phone and she saw them from when they were dating. I said if she is gone I’ll keep talking. Thats the shortened version. Anyway…….. Come march, 3 months after that, with the ebtire time He’d not text me between 5pm and 10pm with one text at 10 saying some version of good night love of my life…… He’d say morning every day. He’d say hes busy and wants to see me but can’t. He’d say I’ll be there soon and with the girls again and yes he wants babies with me. Will marry me…….but in march, I learned she was still coming over near every night…. Makes sense about the no texting times right….? Made me sick and cringe knowing he probably said night love as he snuck off to pee with his phone after screwing her ……. Then we met up. I needed closure. He held me. Kissed on me. Said the right crap….. Agreed and kept talking…… Well here it is almost October……. Yep. Still talking. Don’t see each other except once a no th maybe and if I push it. He’s called me names. Still says night and morning every day to me…. I’ve said choose me or let me be……. He says why would he wanna be with me when I’m full of drama for saying I love him and want to be included….. And for bringing up I want to trust him again and that we werent together…… He kind of joking said yes when I asked if there was someone else…. Hes tired of my b.s……. I’m 27. I feel like I cant ever find someone else cuz I’ll never stop loving him. So much more to say about this situation. Sorry for the really long rant if anyone read it all…… Yesterday I said I’m moving forward with or without you. Today is the last day. Commit to move forward with me or don’t…. Then he said morning again today. I said it back. Then nothing…. Idk. I’m hurting. Mad at myself. At him. Just ugh……..
Hi Desiree!
You’re not alone <3 I wish that I had the time to elaborate on everything you shared. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. You are loved, supported, backed, believed in and understood. Keep coming back here to the blog <3 xo
Hi Natasha,
This post had helped me so much. Thank you. I couldn’t help but compare myself to the girl he replaced me with (total opposite of me). I feel like I’m a bit happier and stronger now compared to who I was before.
My ex broke up with me 3 months ago. After the break up call (we were on LDR), I found out he went out on a date with his classmate through his messenger (thanks to my amazing skills). What pissed me off was we both know one another. I always had an instinct that there was something about her.
2 weeks after the breakup, he posted their pictures on social media (looking all happy and everything). I tried my best not to react. He then contacted me 4 weeks after a breakup. Since I saw one of his pictures on social media where he was with the girl and his cousins and friends (which really hurt me because I’m really close with his cousins), I told him when he contacted me, aren’t you dating her already? Isn’t that something special? He replied, they were just friends and he was single. He also said in this conversation that he was sorry for being insensitive for posting pictures of them online, he was lost and confused (after I ranted out that they were being so insensitive).
Although a week after that conversation, he posted pictures of them again (now in his house) looking all sweet. That was my breaking point. I messaged him saying, You and your girlfriend have no shame and effing insensitive. He just seen zoned me. Hence I went into no contact.
During the no contact, I saw them posting pictures of them together like every weekend. And one time, his best friend sent me a picture of my ex and their friends (with some girls, the girl he replaced me with wasn’t there). I was wondering why would his best friend sent it to me when he was the one who told me not to talk about my ex anymore. Oh, I was browsing through my news feed and I suddenly saw his comments on a post saying tag your crush. He commented on it, before just a crush, now I love her. and they said I love you to one another.
On our “anniversary”, I watched a movie with a friend then his best friend messaged me saying, “Oh it was your anniversary today.” (they were drinking at that time).
Then a day after our “anniversary”, I messaged him randomly saying I just remembered you where my friend and I watched a movie. He replied saying glad u had fun. take care bye.
And on my bday, he messaged me at 2am saying happy birthday. I replied 9 hours later haha. What I didn’t know and found out a day after was he actually posted pictures of them celebrating their one month of being together on my freaking bday.
A few days after, he posted pictures of them again and him getting a new haircut on ig story. And just recently, posted pictures of them in his bedroom looking all sweet and happy.
Although, I kept thinking their relationship is going really fast.
He wasn’t this showy on social media with me before. Hence I sometimes think that this relationship is better. But reading this article helps me a lot.
Thank you. I just wanted to release all of my thoughts haha. Sorry about the long post.
Hi Angeline! Never apologize! 🙂 That’s what the comment section is for. You have no idea how many other people you’re helping (and allowing to feel so much less alone), by sharing your story. I wish that I had the time to respond and elaborate further <3 Just keep coming back here to the blog and know that you are loved, understood, valued, supported, backed, believed in and never, EVER alone <3 xx
All my love to you soul sis.
This is by far the best article I’ve read on this topic. It was so well-written and nailed every emotion I was having looking at my exe’s new girlfriend’s social media posts. I can honestly say after reading this, I feel lighter and happier mentally. This article needs to be given to every woman!
YAY! 🙂 So happy it helped! Thanks Angie! xx
I wish I could feel like this post applies to my situation, but I don’t. I feel like my ex-whatever (can’t even call him ex-bf because he never committed) is happier and different now. Or maybe he’s who he always was and was just a jerk to me because of the timing. I was his rebound – we started dating pretty immediately after his divorce and lasted for a little over a year. I was stupid and thought if I was patient with him that he would eventually want to make us official. Instead, after a great 5-6 months, it was a constant game of hot/cold until one night he took me out for my birthday, told me how much I meant to him, showed me a beautiful, intimate evening and then went MIA. After many unanswered calls and texts that weekend, I was a confused bundle of nerves. (Looking back on that birthday dinner, a lot of the things he said and did felt like a send-off. Like he was giving me a good time to remember before leaving.) We lived 2 hours apart so I couldn’t just show up at his house, nor did I want to do something like that. After a couple of weeks of no contact, I accepted what was happening and was so hurt and angry that I wanted to crawl into a hole.
I’d heard of people ghosting before but not after dating for that long. I sent him a long email to which he never responded…until 3 months later. He said he was sorry but ran into an old college friend THE DAY AFTER our dinner and she had also just gone through a divorce so they spent the whole day talking and just instantly clicked. He decided right then it wasn’t working with me and that he wanted to date her. That he suddenly felt “ready” for a commitment. And she lived right across town so it was more convenient. He said he felt bad about disappearing but that it got very serious very fast so he didn’t know how to explain it to me. He said he was worried I’d think he’d been seeing us both at the same time, which he swore wasn’t the case. I decided to believe him and accept his apology. He asked me to call him if I wanted to talk more. I shouldn’t have, but I did. He quickly revealed that the new gf cheated on him with her ex about a month after they became official so he had recently broke it off with her. He seemed devastated, and kept saying things like this was probably his punishment for treating me so badly. My friends told me not to trust him because that was probably the only reason he was feeling sorry now. I didn’t listen.
We talked a few more times and he said he wanted to drive up to my town so that we could have a face to face talk. He said he wanted to make sure I understood that this was just a “friendly” meeting because he was in a bad place emotionally…but then suggested we go back to the restaurant where we had my birthday dinner! I was confused by the way he was acting (hot/cold again), but agreed to meet in person. He said he could come up in 2weeks. The day before he was to arrive, he emailed me that he wasn’t coming because he and that girl had patched things up, said sorry if he “got my hopes up” but we could always be friends. I laid into him with a pretty scathing response, which he ignored. We haven’t spoken since then. It’s been almost 2 years and I’ve heard that they’re still together, going strong, happy as pie, while I’ve had nothing but bad dates and one other quick, failed relationship.
The worst is that I had to go and look her up online and now can’t stop comparing myself to her. She’s beautiful with a great body. Objectively, I’d say I’m a 6 and she’s a 9. She has a much better/more interesting job than I do, she’s involved in the community, has a million friends, etc. I feel like he just used me for sex and a shoulder to cry on after his divorce because I let him, but that he always knew he would eventually leave once someone “better” came along. I have a hard time believing he’s just a terrible guy with a terrible pattern because he was married for 17 years, and even though that obviously ended, his ex (who I’ve met once) doesn’t seem to have much bad to say about him, other than that he was never very romantic. Prior to that, he only had one LT relationship that lasted 5 years, and he said he only dated a little in between those two, so he’s not a player. I can’t help but feel like the way he treated me was specific to me, like I attracted that into my life, I am not worthy of respect, I’m only good for a good time, I’m not attractive enough to keep a man, etc. I know I have some issues that I’ve carried with me for a long time, and I’m working on those, so I’ve definitly dated jerks before and experienced other dead end relationships. (I was also married once, to a nice guy, but we married very young and it only lasted a couple of years.) However, this man was the first one who seemed to truly care about me (at least for the first half of the rel.) and who wanted to know me on a deeper level. Yet he treated me the most callously in the end. It’s like I never mattered and he’s never looked back. I don’t even think he feels bad. And I’m left feeling like I can’t trust anyone and that there’s no one out there for me.
NATASHA!!!! His new gf of 2 mths posted pix of them and said “thanks to this amazing man and all of his actions, thanks for being my ride or die sidekick”. He was cheating on me with her last year and dumped me for her, then dumped her for me, now he went back to her!?!? Now hes the perfect bf to her and proved it with his actions…wth. Please help!
Hi Aliyah!
I would take social media with a grain of salt. I know it’s hard but this is a very filtered version of reality.
I wish that I could answer more but I have too much to say to type it all out, not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.
I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further ? The link to it is on the homepage.
All my love to you sister.
You’re not alone xo
Hello Naasha, and thank you for one of the most comprehensive, insightful posts on this topic.
I married my first husband after a long distance relationship in which I ignore some “red flags”. His job meant he worked away so for the first 4 years we were married I saw very little of him. I asked him to change his job so we could be together more. He did, and that’s when I began to see him for what he really was. He subtley chipped away at my self-esteem, manipulated me, said hurtful things etc.
I knew I couldn’t take it much longer and told him he would have to change and “step up to the plate”. His response was to start an affair and I divorced him.
Finally he married his affair partner and they have been together 20 years. Your post says that these people don’t change, and I believe that.
However, I am curious to know what it is about his new wife that enables her to stay in that marriage to him, without being psychologically destroyed?
Hi Kate!
That’s a great question. I will try to write a post on this soon because I have a lot to say. I’m so glad that the post helped 🙂
I wish that I could answer but I have too much to say to type it all out, not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.
All my love to you sister.
You’re not alone xo
Hi Kate
They stay married because she has major intimacy and boundary issues, panders to his every whim and never rocks he boat.
I was with my ex for fifteen years we were never really used social media so we’re never friends on Facebook we never lived together never argued. Sex was great then boom found messages to other women asking them out. So I ended it. Then a few weeks later he has someone new. She’s friends with his friends his family photos together. WTF he never wanted that in fifteen years with me. WTF was wrong with me???? It’s driving me insane.
I feel so lost – its been over a year since we broke up and I left because he treated me so badly – it was a mixture of heaven and hell our relationship but only because as Natasha so clearly points out its like being in an emotional desert and then they do something good and its so few and far between the good bits that you idolise it all.
He got straight on Tinder after I kicked him out and about twenty days in met and moved in shortly after with a girl the complete opposite to me – its humiliating how opposite to me she is, its humiliating that I still get upset about this – he was a stepdad to my daughter and he just abandoned her and then went into this single life with this new girlfriend and they now travel together and have this young life together with no responsibilities.
I feel as though I have tried everything in the book to get over it but every now and again I crumble – I got off the white horse and called him and even saw him after as I just couldn’t fathom how I was grieving so much and he was just posting on facebook how inexplicably happy they are.
He has cheated on her untold times since they got together – I should be relieved I am not there but the difference in the person I was with to the person he is now has me so lost and confused – I am with someone else now who treats me like a queen and I am so grateful but I feel stuck emotionally like I cannot believe this person was in my life and I loved him and feel shame to still have some feelings – is it love or my ego cannot let it go? Thank you Natasha you saved me with this website in my darkest days xxx
Hi Carly!
Thank you for sharing! You are such an inspiration.
It was, is, and will always be my pleasure to help 🙂 I would need more details and wish that I had the time to advise in the comments section. Remember: True love is not comprised of anything this guy did, is, or can offer. What you are feeling is normal. You and your daughter deserve better; I’m glad you found better.
You are loved, supported, understood, believed in, empathized with and never, ever alone. Thanks for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you Carly. xx
Thank you for this, it is exactly what I needed to hear. I will read this everyday until I am over the useless lying shit head who seemed like the perfect guy.
Happy it helped! 🙂 xo
Thank you!! You, my friend, are a bad ass who reminded me that I am a bad ass too. I needed this article and it found me.
It takes one to know one 🙂 So happy it helped! XO
I should have known from the very first moment we met that something was off with him. He picked me up while with his children and me with mine and my mother. We exchanged numbers and 3 1/2 years later I find myself heartbroken and looking for answers. I hadn’t been in a relationship for a long time so unfortunately I fell hard for him. He was going through a divorce and always made me think he was the victim. I was there for him through it all. I picked him up through all of this low times. He called me 24 hours a day for advice. No matter what time I was always there. He had two children who I fell in love with like my own. I knew all throughout our relationship he was talking to other girls and cheating on me. BUT no other woman ever met his children. I thought this made me special. We did things together like a family. His children adored me. Even his ex wife liked me. The entire 3 1/2 years he would never commit to me. He wouldn’t make me his “girlfriend” or acknowledge me in any way on social media. Everyone else in his life received acknowledgement except for me. He liked everyone’s posts and pictures, except mine. Even pictures of my daughters accomplishments he wouldn’t acknowledge. Our relationship was all about what I could do for him. Every conversation was about him and how he was so perfect and innocent and everyone else was a jerk and out to get him. He believed everyone wanted to sleep with him. He believed he was exotic and women should feel lucky he is speaking to them. He made me feel like I was crazy. He would deny things that just couldn’t be denied. Despite all of the craziness I just believed if I hung in there it would prove to him that I am a ride or die girl and I truly love him for better or worse. I bailed him out of jail twice when nobody else would lift a finger.. I helped him over and over to find a job. In July he finally got a great job and was his on his way to getting it together. The final straw came a couple of months ago. In August we went away for the weekend with his children. It was an amazing weekend and I actually thought after all this time he is turning a corner and we are going to be the happy family I wanted so badly. Unfortunately in September I became ill. I needed emergency surgery to have a tumor removed. All of a sudden his attitude started changing towards me. Things were different and I could tell. He didn’t come see in the hospital or during my 6 week recovery at home. He didn’t send a card or have his kids send a card. He was complaining to others he needed sex and I wasn’t able to. Come to find out he was seeing someone new. The job I helped him secure was in NY. So when he started working in NY he met someone. So while I was home going through the worst time of my life he was courting a new woman. Once I was healed I was supposed to go to his house and spend the weekend with him and the kids. The day of he told me not to come. He gave me some stupid excuse. In 3 1/2 years he has NEVER not welcomed me in home. That is when I knew he was done with me. I told him I couldn’t take it anymore and was done. He told me that I was a beautiful smart woman and deserved someone who wanted a relationship. Come to find out he was already seeing the new girl. How perfect for him the new girl has an apartment in NY and a parking space for his car. So he went from 3 1/2 years with me and no commitment to being with this woman for less than a month and moved in with her. I feel like I did everything to help this man and get him to the place he is only for him to turn around and commit to another woman. I cant help but think that something is wrong with me.
Natasha is SO right! My ex lied/cheated among other things. He has now cheated on multiple women since me in a matter of months. They DO unfold and reveal who they were-are before and after you. Everything Natasha wrote has come true including posting sad inspirational quotes(barf), back to a more tolerant ex immediately-who he cheated on next..barf again.to playing the victim-saying that I was the one who cheated to his friends and family?!…It has been really hard not to expose him or defend myself. I read posts here everyday to remind me to stay silent and move on with dignity..
ps-He was 19 out of 20 on your narcissist list…SCREAMED at me when I confronted him on the cheating. It was awful
Thank you..reading the posts really helps.
Happy it helped! Thanks Dee 🙂 xx
I was with my now Ex husband for 18 years. We were getting ready to celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary. We had problems after I regrettably cheated during our 7 years married. We talked everything out and he wanted to stay together. He would not get therapy or talk to anyone about my affair. I tried everything I could for years to make it up to him. He kept saying I was suffocating him bc I am one that loved every minute of his time. He was a very hard worker and provided a great comfortable living for our family of four. He then one day decided to lose weight. At this point he was a supervisor in the oil field and weighed around 310 lbs. when we married he was 220. So over years he did put on weight. I loved him and every lb. so he started going to the gym daily and over a year time he lost 110 lbs and looked amazing. He was getting confidence back and loved it. Also enjoying the new ladies showing him attention. He decided year 11 to leave. Left for a month and wanted to come home. I stupidly let him come back home. For the next three years my life was lonely. He took a job making minimum wage so he would still have time for the gym. We lost pretty much everything we owned. I was working overtime trying to help cover bills and eventually things weren’t happy times. His life was now gym and attention while I worked and took care of our home and children. He left again 3 more times. Coming back home each time. A year ago he left and I told myself I was not doing this anymore. He filed for divorce and it was final this past Feb. he let our home go back and got an apartment with his new women and her baby and their life seems as happy as it can get. My two children seem to love the new girlfriend. I just found out he is looking at rings. I don’t understand how you can just stop loving someone after 18 years. Yes I made a huge mistake and regret it everyday. But how can he live with the amount of hurt he put me through. He is very hateful and treats me like trash now. He is flashing his new life all over social media like this is the best thing. Truthfully has me in tears when I hear about things. Heartbreaks suck
Wow, Natasha, thank you! This is totally what I needed to hear at this time. I have seen prior partners not change who they are for the new girl, but I was still having a really hard time believing the same thing for my recent failed relationship (we ended a month ago). I met my ex at my old job (he still works there) and we dated for almost 2 years. He came off as a very caring, thoughtful, committed guy but ran once conflict arose. Then admitted that he was not honest and open, throughout our relationship during our break up. He admitted to me that he is truly an asshole and just put up a front for me because he only wanted me to be happy and did not want conflict. He said some really mean things to me (like that my dietary restrictions are annoying, he doesn’t care about poor people, I care too much and I am too passionate). Two weeks after that, he came back begging and crying to give us another try. He regretted the mean things he said to me and told me he would wait however long to make it work. He said he tried so hard to be such a good guy because he thought of me as the best, so he wanted me to think of him as the best too. I took things very slow as I was very wary after everything he told me. We sat down and had a whole talk about our relationship and his issues. After a whole month of “trying”, we had a misunderstanding and he ran, again. Again, was super cold, heartless, unkind. A week later, he is sleeping with his coworker at his parents’ house. I started comparing myself and blaming myself for being too strong and outspoken (stupid, I know). I had been thinking that he probably is happier with her, he is himself with her, he probably treats her like a princess, and that I am easily replaceable. I started believing that she somehow was better or more interesting. But no. He unfolded to me who he truly is. A confused, asshole, little boy who is scared. Who needs validation and cannot handle a challenge. So he ran to the easy target– someone new and easy. He is doing the exact same things with her, that he did with me. To hide and suppress his pain and emotions of not being able to keep me. People’s cores do not change. Feelings do not disappear over night. Insecurities and issues are not fixed overnight, or ever. He showed me his real self and it was not attractive. It also is satisfying to hear that she is a rude and unfriendly person with my old coworkers and that she cannot handle quirkiness and silly humor. So good luck to him! I am none of that. It’s his loss. I am not replaceable.
I wish that I could hug and high-5 you at the same time 🙂 Thanks LA! I’m so happy and honored to help! xx
thank you so much for your post. that’s how I feel right now. my ex broke up with me and got together with another girl on the same day. it’s been almost a year and I’m not over it. I have multiple mental breakdowns since we broke up. they moved in together after 6 months and adopted a pet together. they did all things that i didn’t do. i blame myself for not giving her a hard time and hate myself for not having the same background as they do (both families from the navy, Filipinos, even ftheir family photos have the same pose).it hurts yo see even their families are close together and I’m all alone. they look happy and I’m miserable here. I forgot how hard I have work to get where I am today. i should let it go and one day I find someone who truly loves me.
Happy it helped! 🙂 Thanks Nikki! xx
I felt like you were talking personally to me! on the other hand I belive that my asshole ex might have changed because when I met him he was broke with no job and now he is with her earns a lot of money. Also she seems very succesfull, beautiful and generally perfect smth I am definitely not
Happy it helped! Thanks Stacey 🙂 Jobs can change, as can partners, but character flaws are very hard to change. Sending you love. XO
LMAO. Yes, I’ve FB stalked them like crazy and yes, to me, she is younger and hotter and better. And he is in the beginning mode with her–that state where I remember feeling like the luckiest girl alive that I had found this treasure of a man who wanted me. You are a great writer and this was just what I needed. Because I know that his entitled, drunk driving, two-faced fraud, angry troll, controlling self is not any different, she just hasn’t seen it yet. But it sucks to see the lie at work with someone else (and him believing it too). Breathe.
HAHA! So happy that the post helped! 🙂 Thanks for being a part of this tribe Tish! XOXO
I am actually the perpetrator in this situation and it was a 2 year relationship. towards the end it got bad, I stalked people that she was friends with and i was so paranoid and insecure, yet what did i have to be insecure about when i was so bad to her??? now shes with one of the guys shed been talking to and hes treating her so well. it sucks because i felt like this summer break i was gonna prove to her that im the best thing for her, but she had already been moving on emotionally during the last few months of our relationship. I have never felt so shitty in my life and i deserve to. ANd it sucks cuz ive never wanted her more, but shes already way happier with someone else. Would really like advice about this even though im the shitty one:/
You are not alone Dylan. Thank you so much for sharing. I wish that I had the time to directly advise in the comments section, but I do offer one on one coaching if you are interested <3
I’ve dealt with this by cutting him off immediately when he ended it, so I have no idea what he’s doing or who he’s doing it with, if anyone. What’s even better is that I don’t care. He is the same person he was before I met him, the same person he was when I was with him, and the same person he will be for the rest of his life. Metamorphosis only happens with butterflies; these people (EU men and women) are hard-wired to be who they are, and no one can suddenly make them change. They are superficial, emotional shape-shifters who live in a make-believe world, because they can’t handle the real on in which the rest of us live. I have yet to see a post ANYWHERE, on any site, from someone saying that their EU s.o. changed for real and stayed that way.
Yes, I still have hurt. But its already much better and its only been two weeks. I’m just glad he’s gone and I rest in the knowledge that he will continue to spread his poison until he takes his last breath. Considering the way he lives, that could be sooner than he thinks.
^this! My ex from 2017 that led me to this blog reached out to me after all this time apologizing, missing me, etc. But did he inquire as to if I was still interested or cared? NOPE! He unleashed a sob story about how he had been engaged to someone else all those years and wanted me to help him solve what went wrong with her. He’s been blocked.
YESSSSSSSS!!!
Ahhh I am just so happy for and proud of you, Jess. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for inspiring so many others by doing so. This is what I live for. All my love to you, soul sister. Xx
This post is my absolute favorite!!! I read it daily!!!
My a$swipe just married the girl he left me for 10 months ago and as gut wrenching as it has been, this post puts everything into perspective and let’s me know that I’m not alone and he is not the man that I deserve or deeply desire! How could he be? Natasha, you have a gift and have taught me more in your posts than years of therapy I’ve had in the past!
I am continually blessed by you and your wisdom and thank God for you!
Love you girl ?
This made my day ????? I am so happy to help! Thanks sister. Love you! xo
This made me feel so much better – at first. Then I thought about what I went through. Everyone calls him a narcissist. A lot of the things he never wanted with me he now wants with her because “things change.” She is normal, I am suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. She has her own house and shit together – dream come true for him because he’ll never have to worry about her moving in or having to pay for things if he doesn’t want to. She IS better than me. Meanwhile, I know I have problems due to the BPD that I am seeking treatment to change. So which is it? I’d like to think he is full of crap and will break her heart too. A narcissist will stay a narcissist. However, I feel like in order for that to happen then I have to believe people don’t change and my going to treatment will be a waste. I want to believe I can change. So do I make myself miserable and know he’ll be happily ever after a changed man with her and now work on myself to change myself or do I believe what you say and know he won’t change and so neither will I?
I was that scumbag. I was publicly humiliated for my mistakes. It was a traumatizing and humiliating experience I will never put myself or my woman through ever again. I’ve claimed abstinence, have quit smoking, started working out, picked up instruments, went back to school, and learned languages. Even though she turned her back on me and uses my kids as a weapon, I still have a desire and am taking the action to be a greater me. People can, and DO change constantly based on what life throws at a person. I’m changing to better myself, not to show off for anyone. I’m finding God for myself. Everything I wanted to give her for supporting me for 14 years another woman will benefit from. Blessings happen on God’s time and God’s time alone. Don’t be the person blinded by anger. It will haunt you in the end.
Thanks for this Pressley!
I have read all of your articles…some about a hundred times. This one speaks volumes to me. I took a chance on someone. Accepted his insecurities, his different personality because I wanted it to work…he was the one. He left me emotionally months before I walked out but I was the one who eventually called it quits. Regret, guilt, anger, extreme sadness because I felt I let him down. I committed the ultimate sin & became the booty call because I was doing anything I could to stay relevant. I’m 45, I should know better! My heart was broken. Two months ago it was I still love you & I miss you but now he is with someone knew. Everything he wouldn’t or couldn’t do with me, he is doing with her. Changed his Facebook profile pic of the two of them…I never even got a post. As childish as that sounds, it stung! I do feel like he took everything I said about him being emotionally unavailable, not being patient with my own insecurities, communicating (which he admittedly did not do), etc & creates a better man. He changed everything when I left. He begged me to trust him, let him in, tear down the walls that I had up for a reason…he promised me he was different & would never hurt me. I believed in him & that’s what hurts the most. To see him utterly happy with another woman kills me. I feel the selfish, non- communicative, controlling man I knew doesn’t exist anymore. All I can think of is, why her and not me??!!
Your article, which I had previously read really gave me hope. Hope that I deserve and will find who I belong with. I know of it was meant to be, it would have been. I’m far from perfect & know I made mistakes but I’m human. My mistake was putting my trust in someone unworthy, who in the end wasn’t at all who I thought. Dont get me wrong, I want the bastard to be miserable & I want karma to bite him on the ass but I need to move on. Thank you for your amazing articles, true to life themes & never ending support. I will work harder to stay on my white horse & stop looking at Facebook 😉
Hi Meredith! Thank you so much for sharing. I’ve been there and you are not alone. Just get back on your white horse if you get off and know that you are loved, suppported, backed, believed in and understood. You are never alone in this (or ever!).
You are more powerful than you will EVER be heartbroken and damaged. You got this.
If I can get through it, SO.CAN.YOU sister.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe 🙂 BIG love to you. xx
I’ve read this article a thousand times, and deep in my soul I know he hasn’t changed. But damn it’s hard when social media blares in your face. Turned out the guy I was dating, was dating someone else…there were some red flags, but every time I brought them to his attention, his response was there was no one else and he wanted to stay with me….fed me all the right lines, and I fell for him so hard I gave him the benefit of a doubt. Until one day I found him tagged on IG by the girl I was curious about, that he told me was nothing to him and a “friend” from back in the day. The timing of the picture showed he went to visit her in Nebraska while he told me he was visiting his family in Boston. I was devastated. I called him out ans he immediately told me he was “in love” with her and I was nothing, and hat day changed all his social media profile pics to she and him. She found out too, yet two weeks later they were on vacation together, and month after month, more trips and stating how great the year has been for them both and “so in love.” I saw him on a dating app when I was trying to move on, and I called him out again, he reluctantly replied and told me “he likes to look at women.” I knew/know he’s a narcissistic, self absorbed jerk, but it kills me seeing and hearing how happy they are together. It’s been a year and I’ve moved past a lot of it but when the year marker came around, haven’t ever been reached out to by him to own it or genuinely apologize, it still hurts like hell. He made me feel and said I was nothing to him…I just will never understand why he would treat someone the way he did me. Or why the other person he betrayed would enable it and stay knowing what happened. I know I deserved and deserve better, but getting over that kind of betrayal and seeing how happy they are together (still) after everything, is so painful. Thank you for this post…it helps when I start feeling down about it again!
Xo
Hi Rosecoloredglasses!
Thank you so much for sharing and for being a part of this tribe. I have been in a very similar situation.
Trust me when I say – he hasn’t and will not change.
What you’re feeling is totally normal <3 You are understood, loved, valued, supported, appreciated, and never, ever alone. And if I can get through it and FLUSH... SO.CAN.YOU.
All my love to you. Thanks for your love and support. xx
Okay I need to share this with you all, coz I am bursting at the seams.You were so RIGHT…my EMOTIONALLY-UNAVAILABLE EX finally broke up with the girl that he has been dating for almost the last 5 months, longest he has been in since the last one which was a year and a half long…It really looked like it was going somewhere..he met her parents and everything..she met his children and they used to post pictures of them together at different locales, FAMILY-LOOKING PICTURES, ANXIETY INDUCING, heartbreaking pictures which made me relive my hurt… She looked like his type…pretty in a mature, laidback, nice girl kind of way, the kind he would wife up…His dad and mom were commenting on their couple pics…Her family were his friends on FB…It was going somewhere for sure..till this weekend and suddenly no pics…she has deactivated her own profile..I think he has devastated her and I have conflicting feelings…A part of me is relieved to know that it wasn’t me, it was him all along, all these two years that I have known him…and another part of me understands what she is going through and how much she must be hurting…The honeymoon phase was obviously intense and beautiful for them as their FB pics together showed, they were vacationing together in her hometown…So the end must have been equally or more painful…All their couple pics are off her instagram…I know I shouldn’t be relieved but I am and then there are moments where I feel bad for resenting and hating her for having the life I wanted to have…Yes, Im still in FB /IG stalk mode but that was how much he future faked with me, as I am sure he did with her…
You were right Natasha, Thank you…EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE PEOPLE NEVER EVER CHANGE…I think I have my closure now. Thank you!!!! Sorry if I’m rambling but I hope my post helps someone going through the same kind of hurt. He will never change. It is not you girls. It is him and nothing you do can change him unless he wants to change himself. Thank you again Natasha…Light and Love!!
Tanya,
Thank you ENDLESSLY for sharing this! It’s totally okay to feel relieved, happy, elated, celebratory…ANYTHING. You are not hurting anyone like he has/is. These are normal feelings. I was laughing out loud while crying reading parts of your comment because I too have been there and your pain/heartbreak is mine just as your success and happiness is mine well. The universe has your back – You have the literal affirmation now. Keep loving yourself, hold your head high and know that you didn’t throw out gold bars. The trash was indeed trash and it was taken OUT. Love you soul sister. xoxo
Love you too sister..I am the confident, self-assured woman that I am right now because of you and our girl tribe…xoxoxo…Now, if I can only get over my relentless cyber stalking habit…lol..
Xoxo..
Tanya
?????????? Love you
Hi Natasha,
Thanks so much for this post! Word for word how I’ve been feeling. My narcissist ex left me 2 months ago for someone else after stringing me along for 3 years and promising a future together. The beginning was amazing as always and then it all took a bad turn, emotional abuse, flirting with other women, texting his exes, all of it! I am still really much hurt and have ups and downs of tremendous pain but one thing I do know is that this new “supply” is not better than me no matter how many nice pictures and comments are posted, she is just convenient and clearly stroking his narcissistic ego which is what he looks for. Over the course of our relationship I grew while he remained the same, I managed to finish my masters, purchased my first house and ran my first marathon..he didn’t support me through any of this and tried to bring me down instead. He is now blocked and deleted from my life. Whether he’s changed or not I’ll never really know and it seems unfair that he’s playing the victim while I’m struggling. But at least I can walk away knowing I put 100% in and did everything I could. It’s his loss! One day maybe he will realize that and it will be too late..it already is too late.
Thank you again Natasha!
Sarah!
YES YES YES!! You go girl. I wish that I could hug and high-5 you at the same time ?? Thank you so much for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe. I am so happy for and proud of you.
You are loved, understood, appreciated, valued, supported, and never, ever alone.
Love you and hope we can meet in person one day ? xx
So I’m a guy going thru a break up . My GF left me for being to jealous and a bit controlling . We live and work together so this has been extremely difficult to deal with . I have been faithful but that itself isn’t enough . I am beginning Therapy for my insecurities and hopefully I can change my way if thinking . She took me back many time but this time it’s real and it made me realize I need to change . What would you suggest to her in this situation ? Leave this a hole or maybe he will change for better ?
Hi John!
Thanks for taking the time to share. I would need more details to properly advise and this is why I cannot directly advise in the comments section (thank you for your kindness and understanding). You’re doing the right thing by taking responsibility, doing what’s best for you and making it right.
Ugh…admittedly I watched some of those “ex back” coaches on YouTube when I was feeling vulnerable in the first few days. Sheesh. Thank God I found this site in time to keep me from getting super invested in some terrible No Contact technique to get him to come back. It’s a beautiful thing what a new perspective can do.
My ex of 3 years broke up with me for the 3rd time a few weeks before Christmas. I think since I’d been up for another go-round previously he thought he could buy some time to sort out whatever bullshit (not my problem) was happening with him. I told him this was it. And then I left, and haven’t spoken to him since. I’m expecting him to post pictures of a new girlfriend at any time. The awesome part is, I will not see them. I blocked him and deactivated my Facebook and am on social media detox. Maybe permanently. I just don’t have the discipline to allow myself to indulge in any kind of spying or internet stalking. I’d flip my shit and drive to his job and get wild. And I can’t indulge that part of me for the sake of my kids. I can only be a partial shitshow. Not a complete idiot like I want to be on impulse.
My boundaries are non-existent and I say the most ridiculous things to justify it like “I’m a spiritual empath-I really have a deep love and empathy for others and want to help them.” Or other equally stupid shit.
I cry in my bed a lot. Like screaming-into-the-pillow crying.
I have to say that it has gotten a little better. I’ll take it. I’m so grateful. I no longer feel like I’m on the brink of calling him at any moment. I am starting to see that the things I was accepting in the relationship are just straight-up dealbreakers and I need to figure out what exactly boundaries are period. I don’t think I have any.
I feel like I’m educating myself and I’m trying to read everything on this site. Every once in awhile little things hit me. What I’ve gathered so far is that I can’t change him. He misrepresented himself from the very beginning, and each little thing he did that was contradictory-and when his actions didn’t match his words-I stayed and tried to fix things. The poor unfortunate soul who is on deck for his next trick is going to eventually be devastated to find that he is not what he presents. I will know deep down, no matter what happens to my ego initially, that IF she manages to stay longer than me, she is accepting all manner of unacceptable bullshittery and disrespect-and that it is going to hurt her. Bad.
Bullet dodged.
Thank you so much NATASHA for all of the things that hit home, and all of the things that might strike me at a later date if I start floundering around out here. I can’t even express what you’ve done. I was a hopeless case in my mind. I wouldn’t have lasted a week.
Hi Natasha,
I’ve shared a little about my situation in another post. I keep coming back to read this post…but stupid me I decided to look into his life after a year and a half after things ended between us terribly. He was dating two people at once, me being one unbeknownst to me, she was in another state, and I found out while he was out of town. I angrily ended things when I found out, but wanted so badly for a better understanding of why he did that to me, and her. I fell in love with this f*ckboy, and I never saw him again, because he also chose to never make true amends or explain a lot, accept that he’s staying with the other girl (after I let her know btw..also a bad mistake) and he never once reached out on his own unless I contacted him. It was always, “I’m so sorry I hurt a good person, but I love her and we are staying together…” blah blah blah! It destroyed me so much, I still have nightmares about it and weekly therapy…never seeing him again since the night before he left on his “trip” has been so painful o top of learning about his other life. I thought I was getting better and reminding myself how much someone can’t change or there’s no way they are in a healthy loving relationship with what he did. But a year and a half after everything, they are still together and have now moved together 2 hrs from where I am now living…we dated in Texas, she was in the Midwest, I moved to WA state this year, and now apparently, they are ironically living 2 hours from me in WA. I’m so heartbroken, I so hoped they wouldn’t last, but now they have created a new life together, seem so happy and doing everything I always wanted with him. He’s had me blocked from most everything accept IG, so that’s how I discovered this. I want to believe he’s not better or happier, but he not only had someone else to move on with immediately while I’ve been in pain for over a year about this, they now and in her words “are finally starting their lives together and moving to WA” and “so thankful for a happy, supportive, loving and adventurous relationship.” Ugh just writing this I sound so pathetic and should have moved on sooooo long ago, so saying it out loud to the world feels therapeutic in a sense, but I feel like my heart was broken all over again. He’s happy, and I have to be okay with that. But how do you after they broke you and it all worked out for them?
Thanks for all your words, always!
Kari
You are the furthest thing from pathetic. I will write more about this soon and am so happy to help in any way.
You are never alone, always supported, and eternally loved Kari. xox
(wish that I had the time to write more – thank you for your kindness and understanding).
Thank you!!
And I’m looking forward to the post! :))) xoxo
Kari
I’ve just revisited this article again; I bumped into my ex a couple of days ago shopping with the girl he said (when we were together) that I had nothing to worry about, the girl who is 20 years younger than both of us and who is nearer the age of his oldest son, the girl who was flirting with him when I was in a relationship with him and who likes the older man! He works with her and surprise surprise, lied to me! We have been split up a year now but I was living in our joint house until October 2018 whilst trying to sort out finances and find somewhere to live. I had started to feel better but seeing them together hit me like a train and I felt physically sick. It didn’t help that I was in the process of moving into my new house that day and had just dropped into the shop to get a couple of things for my new place so was looking far from glam! It took me all my strength not to text him and tell him what I thought but thankfully, with the help of my friends, I didn’t. I know it would have only boosted his ego to think I was still bothered and that was the motivation to not make contact. One of my friends reminded me that he has repeated this pattern 3 times now including leaving his wife and children when they were toddlers because ‘they didn’t get on’ (and they are the occasions I know about, there could be more). He spent the last 4 months we were together being cold and distant to me to the point where I was like an open field with no sodding boundaries whatsoever and didn’t question his behaviour for fear of losing him! I find it hard to stop thinking about how wonderful he was at the start of our relationship, doing lovely things and saying all the right stuff but I realise now that this was all a smokescreen and have found out since that he treated the girlfriend before me almost exactly the same and told her the same things that he did me. Then after 2 years (which seems to be his standard relationship timeframe, albeit we were together slightly longer than that) he told me that he wasn’t ‘in love’ with me anymore. So does a leopard change its spots? I don’t know but looking at his history and previous patterns, i’d say no. He text me in November 2018 telling me he loved me more than I realised and had wanted our relationship to work out more than anything..blah, blah, blah..what an arse! He also said he felt low and it had been a struggle for him..wtf! All the time he was with this new ‘girl’! It’s still hard but I guess the point I want to make is that every step you go through, every heart wrenching, stomach churning moment when you see them with someone else makes you hurt but if you can push through that you will feel stronger. I am still licking my wounds after seeing him but i’m still here, alive on this planet and here for a purpose. Everything I have read on your site Natasha resonates with me, the need to say on your white horse, the fact that a person’s core does not miraculously change and that the behaviour of a person is the reflection of who they are. I take comfort from all of you posts and your readers comments too. I feel better just writing this today. A huge thank you from me over in the UK. ??????
Lots of love x
Helen,
YES ?????? Thank you so much for taking the time to share ?? I am so proud of you and happy not only to help, but that you’re coming to these realizations. It doesn’t not sound like there has been any change. YOU have changed – you flushed what was not honoring and respectful of you. All my love to you. Wish I had the time to write more. Xxxx
I just found out my ex is seeing a girl he slept with about two weeks after we broke up again. She lives in St. Louis and we both live in Overland Park, KS so it’s a 5hr drive away. He told me that he’s not looking for a relationship and that he doesn’t like her nearly as much as she does him. She’s apparently a stage 5 clinger. He said she’s always offering to drive here to see him and low and behold, she is this weekend. I wouldn’t have known that if I hadn’t snooped ? He told her three weeks ago we were seeing each other again which I fully believe because I creeped on her when it happened and she was devastated. They’ve literally hooked up once and she’s obsessed. I know she means nothing to him but I’m still heartbroken. We haven’t talked since we had our biggest fight yet 15 days ago. I’m remaining strong but how can he just forget I exist and move on? He told me I’m the first girl he’s loved in 3yrs, I even met his family and he said I’m the best sex of his life. Clearly he’s a full blown liar.
A good article. My ex didn’t cheat on me and heartbreaking to read those stories. To those women – you are better off without a lying, cheating, potential std carrying jerk. Those men aren’t happy on the inside, hence their outward destructive behavior.
My ex and I were deeply in love and had a wedding date/deposits set. Our relationship died because he allowed his kids to be disrespectful to me, refused to acknowledge their behavior nor discipline them, and then yelled at me because I didn’t have kids and didn’t know what I was talking about [in terms of responsible parenting]. Add on his extended family always found something ‘wrong’ with something I said or did and would complain to him. Then a few weeks after the X family event, my ex would tell me what I allegedly said or did to upset whomever. We fought, broke up, he reappeared in my life after his 2 rebound relationships failed (claiming things will be different), he never really gave me a sincere apology for his/kids/extended family’s behavior, he brought emotional baggage from his 2 rebounds as he crossed his moral and emotional grounds with how he used them, and allowed his kids and extended family continue their bull poop.
Fast forward a few years later, I ran into him and his new gf of 3 months. She is simple and plain (he downgraded). I am sure she is very nice and won’t have many expectations or demands. Will she keep him intellectually stimulated? NO! Will she have standards that will make him grow both as a person and a man? NO! Will she know him on the deeper emotional levels that I did? NO! Did his kids and extended family get hit with lightening bolt and change? NO! Will his kids and extended family continue their disrespectful and manipulative ways? YES! Will he set boundaries with his kids and extended family and stand up for her? NO! Did I feel jealous seeing them together? NO! I never allowed his kids and extended family to manipulate me into bending over for them and that why they didn’t like me. She has no clue what is going to come her way.
Wow years of comments on this article. Helpful to read others experience. And yet I think we alllllll or most of us think that nope – our experience is the expection. We FOR AURE know that this doesn’t apply to our POS ex and although it sounds good that he won’t. Change. I just KNOW he has. Yeh right. I am 8/9 mo out of leaving an abuser. The woman he had in the back ground for basically a year I had no clue. Then when shit hit the fan he ended it with her. We have two sons together. Moved back in for a year. It was hell. I was so heartbroken insecure wondering everyday looking at him like how can this man manipulate and lie so much ? He was emotionally abusive to our sons. The youngest is having a hard time has not seen or heard from his dad in 8 mo. Put some me in a hard spot as he of course moved that woman down from Canada lol when I kicked him out from his last accusatory abusive cycle. I do not even have FB haven’t had it for years since even before I met him. We didn’t have it when we were together well I guess he had it behind my back the last year of ourbso called relationship. He was is a true narc psycho. Somehow he scored yet another student. He’s a professor at a tribal college. I was a student when I met him. She as well. The shocker is even in between us I found out about MORE women. That blew my mind. He hasent sent one dime in child support. Yet living his best life with the new 19 years younger supply. I was 13 years younger. Wasent enough I guess. There is no way in hell he has changed. I remember we had a shared Facebook for that year he was back in. He would post this and that. So carefully orchestrated and always mentioning how many likes it got and how he wanted to post stuff to let her know he was back with his family and she was so crazy obsessed. Next. But. He has gotten everything he ever wanted with this one. So it’s hard for me to not think he has changed. Like he learned from how he treated me to be better and how he has to change or he will lose his 20 younger yoga expert who he taught our native language too. Well easy to have all those hobbies when you don’t have kids and a career and house to be responsible for. Oh yeh. He bought a shed and they both worked on it to make it a “cabin” on his families land. I’m not making this shit up. Yes being off grid is goals but that’s not reality when you have kids and responsibilities. I’m debating on wether to seep with him again as I have recently hesrd from him again the whole I’m not happy with her you were the love of my life. Yuck. Not one dime for his little son.
Hi,
I am currently going through this at the moment. I was with my on again off again boyfriend for almost a decade. We officially called it quits 10 months ago, which he basically blamed me for everything(i know i am not to blame). He cheated and lied through out the whole relationship. We share a child together and i recently found out that he is dating some one else. Through her social media she makes it seem like there are together. He doesn’t post her on is social media though. It hurts because it looks like he is doing all the things i begged him to do with her and it seems they been talking for awhile now. However, he has yet to mention her to me and i know for a fact she hasn’t been around our child. This man to this day still tells me he loves me and how he thinks about me everyday. He still goes around talking about me to the point that people think we are together. Yet he has this girl who he spends majority of his time with. I don’t know why I’m battling with myself on whether he has changed or not. I think he has low self esteem and is insecure. I’ve been seeing a therapist for the last month and am hoping to deal with my own issues so i can overcome this situation. I’ve read this like a million times and it lifts my spirits every time!!!
So happy that this post helped! You are not alone – thank you for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you Tamara ??
This post is exactly what I needed right now. I found out my on and off ex of 2 years is in Vegas right now celebrating nye with his new girl over fancy dinner and hotel room. He’s lied to me, ghosted me, refused to post anything about me on social media and introduce me to his family throughout our relationship. But yet every time he comes back, I give in, thinking about all the good times and that maybe it’s me being too insecure and needy and caused him to change. I thought his disappearance is just like what he told me, it’s because of his depression and avoidant attachment, and I should of been more understanding. Less than 2 weeks ago he asked me to hangout, we had dinner and drinks and then had sex in his car and he said he has romantic feelings for me. Few days later he said he’ll always have romantic feelings for me but we’re “just friends.” Now he’s already treating this new girl that looks the opposite of me like a queen and posting nonstop PDA pictures on the “only social media his friends and family can see.” I’m devastated and couldn’t stop comparing myself to her. She looked confident, happy, perfect makeup and the way he looks at her is like she is the ultimate prize. He seemed so proud to be with her and they looked happy together. I feel like an embarrassment, just like what I have been feeling throughout the relationship. Every time he’d refuse to post anything or introduce me because he “wants to keep his relationship private” and I’d feel like it’s because I’m not sexy/pretty enough to be called his girlfriend. When I saw those posts I was crying nonstop but couldn’t stop myself from watching those stories. Then after midnight, I stopped. I finally blocked him on everywhere, something I should of done the first time he lied to me. I don’t want to start off my new year with this type of crap. I bookmarked this post and will come back to read it every time when I need the reminder. Happy new year.
Allison,
I have been there – in a nearly identical situation. You are doing the right thing.
Thank you for taking the time to not only share, but to help more people than you know feel less alone. Thank you for helping them have the courage to, like you, have their own back and say “enough!” with their dignified actions.
You are incredible.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe and for being all that you are. You are loved, supported, understood, backed, believed in, and never, EVER alone. All my love to you soul sister. xx
This post is exactly what I needed right now. I found out my on and off ex of 2 years is in Vegas right now celebrating nye with his new girl over fancy dinner and hotel room. He’s lied to me, ghosted me, refused to post anything about me on social media and introduce me to his family throughout our relationship. But yet every time he comes back, I give in, thinking about all the good times and that maybe it’s me being too insecure and needy and caused him to change. I thought his disappearance is just like what he told me, it’s because of his depression and avoidant attachment, and I should of been more understanding. Less than 2 weeks ago he asked me to hangout, we had dinner and drinks and then had sex in his car and he said he has romantic feelings for me. Few days later he said he’ll always have romantic feelings for me but we’re “just friends.” Now he’s already treating this new girl that looks the opposite of me like a queen and posting nonstop PDA pictures on the “only social media his friends and family can see.” I’m devastated and couldn’t stop comparing myself to her. She looked confident, happy, perfect makeup and the way he looks at her is like she is the ultimate prize. He seemed so proud to be with her and they looked happy together. I feel like an embarrassment, just like what I have been feeling throughout the relationship. Every time he’d refuse to post anything or introduce me because he “wants to keep his relationship private” and I’d feel like it’s because I’m not sexy/pretty enough to be called his girlfriend. When I saw those posts I was crying nonstop but couldn’t stop myself from watching those stories. Then after midnight, I stopped. I finally blocked him on everywhere, something I should of done the first time he lied to me. I don’t want to start off my new year with this type of crap. I bookmarked this post and will come back to read it every time when I need the reminder. Happy new year.
My ex of 5 years father of our two boys just one day decided to leave me and them and got right into another relationship with a girl from his job that has no kids started a whole new life with her like we never had anything together. It’s been 5months and it’s been tough for me. I feel very stupid. Idk how to let go. And I really want to. Everything we always said to eachother was like it was never said. He really puts his new girl above and beyond over me. I dont understand?
I am the most happiest woman on earth right now,
My fiancee that left me few months ago just came back to me last night crying to take him back. Guess what?? My highest surprise is that he just proposed to me right now and a car as a sign of apology.
Not sure if anyone is still reading the comments section, but what if he leaves you for an ex? My ex discarded me for his ex. They were together for 5 years (brief breakup in that time span) and then broke up again 4 years ago. So this is the 3rd time they’re reuniting. She returned to his life a couple of months ago and I became collateral damage. I’ve heard him tell other people she is the “love of his life.” So is this something that is meant to be? Is he honest, accountable, loyal, empathetic, and loving to her? It’s just incredibly hard for me to reconcile. I’ve seen the awful way he treats family & friends. I’ve experienced it myself. So many ugly lies and emotional abuse. Is she the exception? Why else would she get back with him for the THIRD time if she knows his true nature? This has left me spiraling for answers. Has he managed to charm her and make it seem like he has changed? I know he’s moving mountains for her. Could this truly be love?
Regardless of whatever feelings are involved, theirs is not some great love story. All people will see when they look at those two are a couple of fools who can’t decide what they want. She probably doesn’t believe there’s anyone better for her (whether due to insecurity, obsession after the breakup, sunk cost fallacy, etc) and he’s not going to magically become a nice person for her. Let him have the “love of his life” and go find yours.
AMEN!
Dear Natasha,
You are an angel and a saviour,without you i wouldnt make it through my devastating breakup. I start each morning with an article from you,it literally became my bible.
Literally you saved my life.
Thank you
Lots of love
Julie,
I am in tears of such joy, gratitude, and appreciation as I write back to you. From the bottom of my heart, *thank you* my dear sister. This is what I live for. I just want to give everything that I wish I had <3
Thank you for being a part of this tribe and THANK YOU for being YOU. I love and believe in you.
YOU saved your own life. YOU took action and YOU continued to read these posts, written with all the love in my heart, amid soul-shattering pain. Bravo!
All my love to you sister. xox
Hi everyone. Just found this blog as I was googling how people deal when ex bring their new gf the first time to meet their families. I was with mine for 5 years and actually very happy. I felt like I won the lottery with him. He left his ex for me and I was young and stupid thinking I did nothing wrong. Anyway he goes on a 5 day trip and meets several girls he’s interested in, he was 29 and one girl only 19. Out of the blue. Claims he texts them daily because it’s friendly. 2 months forward and we’re broken up, this was 1.5 years ago. In those two months he ignored me, picked fights with me, locked me out of the living room, he got paranoid because I went into his phone when I became insecure (never done it before). Now I saw a story of his sister and a girl looking like her is standing beside him and it broke me a little. I was so close to his family and in some sense still am although we don’t talk that much. He waited a year after break up to become official with the now 19 year old. I don’t predict great future fort them but still find it crazy how the person I adored and he adored me turned inside out within weeks. He treated me so badly because he was apparently angry I looked into his phone. That’s all. I know it was wrong and people say I should have just walked away but it was hard. I lived abroad with him. I don’t really believe in karma but I believe he has this thing of being massively in love but then a new shiny thing comes by and it crumbles in seconds. She’s younger and studying medicine, we are both pretty girls. She’s from a rich family. So in a sense an upgrade although from what I’ve heard she’s crazy jealous from the get go. Either way I wish the person I thought he was or he pretended to be or really was for those years would come back. Never been happier before or since. It’s been 1.5 years and it still occasionally makes me cry. I’m quite pretty, have a good job, I’m fun and funny but still I haven’t met anyone who’d treat me well and I would be head over heels about since then. Nada. He had it easy he had someone lined up I didn’t and still don’t. The guys I like treat me badly only want sex or Ghost me. The rest I don’t like physically. I have so much love to give but it’s all stuck inside to the point it hurts.
You are not alone, Kat <3 I will try to write more about this soon. Thank you for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe.
Thank you for being you. All my love to you. xox
Natasha,
First of all thank you for this. I wonder sometimes how you can have such a clear and concise picture of the reality. Then other times I think you don’t, I question a lot so bear with me. I have a duality inside myself, I have definitely been hurt by men both emotionally and physically in my adventure for love, I have also hurt, I am ashamed to say not completely unintentionally, but because I have been “emotionally bankrupt and bereft of empathy” (edit, it was not so much an intention rather more I was aware it was happening, call it cowardice). I wonder if I am doomed to never change? I see how this article and others focus on how she’s not better, and yet the comments (and responses) say I found better. If you can find better it stands to reason so can he. If you can get better again, he likely can too. Though I agree it usually takes time, there are moments and people and connections that force an involuntary paradigm shift in oneself. It can happen, it does happen and eventually it will happen. I have gained an immense sense of peace over the past year, for me personally admitting that some women are better than me, further along into their life’s journey, better suited for someone, better equipped to deal with triggers and trauma, I just stopped comparing, I decided to get better myself instead. In release I found peace and strength, a resounding surrender of my ego, a promise to try to be better, and a realization that I, and them are not so special after all. I love what you do, and this really is just musings of a divorcee, doormat, happy woman who is there and not yet back again.
Mad love,
Cindey
Hi Cindey!
Thank you for taking the time to share. I am not one or the other but I would not be doing what I do if I limited my relationship with reality in any way. An excerpt from my upcoming book:
“Be kind to other women and mind your own business. He isn’t with a woman who’s better in every way. He’s with a woman who is more tolerant of his bullshit because she’s still blind to everything that you are no longer blind to. There is nothing to envy or worry about.
Your ex did not change. He revealed himself over time as he got more comfortable (and more certain of what you’d forgive and excuse).
This isn’t to say that toxic people are not capable of change. I am living proof that they are capable of it. But that change wasn’t as simple as meeting a great guy after treating my ex terribly, taking no time to self-reflect, and being fresh out of a relationship. It took unplugging from patterns that produced such debilitating fear, doubt, and loneliness that I didn’t think I would make it through the withdrawals. It took an uncomfortable look at what I had become, acknowledging my hypocrisy, and owning my own behavior for the first time. It took making the decision to stop being a victim and prioritize my younger self so I could get off my emotional ass and serve her instead of my ego.
Real and lasting change doesn’t “just happen” because you meet someone new. It will only start to happen when you are ready to replace avoidance with honesty and rose-colored glasses with an intuition that is acted on and no longer ignored.”
Hope this clarifies my stance. I am doing my imperfect best, as we ALL are.
All my love. xo
I was dumped after 5 years by text. After 8 months I recently found out he was dating a past “friend” that he was in love with, but never in a relationship with from 10 years ago. They started dating 4 months before he dumped me. It is sad because all these months I have been trying to get him to work things out and not throw our relationship away because we were having a few problems.. Every relationship goes through problems.. He finally told me that we were broken and he was done .. I just found out they got married… Everyone says to move on, easy when it is not you… He was the love of my life… We had future plans.. I guess because we are in our 50’s , I thought this could not happen…
Oh, Catherine! I am so sorry and wish that I was physically there to give you a hug. You are not alone in this.
And I know it’s hard but please believe me when I say that this has nothing to do with you.
You are loved, supported, backed, believed in, and understood.
Thank you for being you. And thank you for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you, Sister. xo
This helps a lot, thank you. I know deep down my ex husband isn’t truly happy.
So happy it helped! Thanks for being a part of this tribe, Meghan 🙂 xo
I know this post is from a few years ago and what I am about to write might seem like just wasted petty jealousy. But I am really in the feels today.
I was with my Ex for over 3 years, it was serious, we had plans, real plans to build our dream home, get married, live out our lives together (his words) Also because we are older so that made sense.
Fast forward, coles notes version, and a lot of heart breaking details left out. He cheated then tried to come back, like a dummy I let him. We kept trying, I really believed in us and our love. Like I had it bad for our love. For him, for our dream.
But then I found out he was still seeing the other woman, she believed she was his GF. So I told her. He basically overlapped us for eight months!! Eight months.
She forgave him and took him back. I didn’t. (this is just the highlight of some of what he did)
And now they post pics of themselves doing happy things, things he used to make fun of. Things he would never do with me or for me. And everyone we know is celebrating their “love” how happy they are that he finally found someone great. Like I wasn’t. I know it means nothing when someone says it about themselves but I am a really good person. And I was really good and loving towards him. Maybe too much so, I will admit maybe too codependent.
It’s burning me up inside and breaking my heart that the things this man chose to do, because believe me it requires a lot of executive functioning to carry on a dual life with two people. It’s not a “mistake”. That he just gets away with it.
Everyone thinks he is a prince. My life was turned to dust after I found out what was going on. I was turned to dust. I didn’t just have to grieve him. I had to grieve “our” future. Our plans. Everything I thought we were working towards.
And now he is Mr. perfect living this perfect life, with and for someone else. Like all our issues were mine. And I know it’s petty but I have to say it. He hates cats, always talked about how he hated them, he is allergic, and wouldn’t go to certain friends because they had cats. And she has four!
I am sorry. I know I sound absolutely bitter and insane. I just do not understand. I don’t understand.
He gets to ride off into the sunset with someone to sleep beside, playing Mr. Perfect knowing that he basically got away with cheating for eight months (maybe more with others) and have everyone celebrate how great it is. While my life was crushed to dust.
Logically, no I do not want someone like this in my life. Of course not. But emotionally… what am I supposed to do with this hurt. Because I am turning it on myself and dissecting every aspect of our relationship and now wondering if he is a good person and maybe I am terrible? And that’s why they can make it work and I can’t?
Also worth noting, he tried to contact me three weeks ago. Then changed their profile pic to this happy party pic of them.
Omg I sound like such a bitter idiot. I just don’t know what to.
I keep reading this post, hoping it will sink in.
Dana,
Thank you *so much* for taking the time to share (and by doing so, helping countless others feel less alone). If you haven’t already, check out my book, Win Your Breakup. It will really help.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe and thank you for being you.
You are loved, supported, backed, believed in, appreciated and never, ever alone.
Thank you Natasha, I was so emotionally unhinged when I wrote that. My heart was breaking. So many of your posts have helped me. I have been reading a lot of them this past while. So I will check out your book.
Thank you for not thinking I am unhinged for my comment. My feelings took over.
I am trying to stay in gratitude, he did me a favour really.
I appreciate all your work.
He did you the biggest favor, Dana. Without him, there would be no *us*!
You are not unhinged. You are having a very human response to an inhumane set of circumstances.
You got this! I believe in you. Xx
Here’s my story
Me n my ex of 1 year half broke up weeks ago. I dumped him because he abandoned me in foreign country on our trip and didn’t even bother to find where was i that time. (apart from other arguement).
So i left the hotel we stayed and never looked back. I said we’re done and doing so because i was too emotional and think about all his wrongdoings.
2 days later my friend told me he was with another girl in the foreign country..i thought nothing of it since he cannot be in LDR and just thought that it was only for one night stand. Then to my knowledge, they went to a trip together again in my country and i just can’t believe him.. i stalked the shit out of the new gfs fb and she posted pics of them together looking happy while i felt miserable. I started to reread our convo late at night and i felt immediate regret. I felt like i should have treated him better, appreciate him and not neglect him…now the new girl probably get to do what i thought i cannot do and it breaks me. I wish things could’ve gone differently with us on that trip… I hope this feeling would disappear faster, i cannot go on like this..