You may feel like you have processed, and even accepted, the most painful breakup that you have ever been through. And even though more time has passed than you were even in the relationship for… you find yourself still wondering “Is my ex over me?”
You know you shouldn’t care… you don’t really care… but you do… but not in that way, but… whatever.
You just need to know.
I always have a laugh when I see quizzes and lists online that prey on emotionally vulnerable people who just want to know, “is my ex over me?” The truth is, your ex may be dating someone new, not acknowledging your existence at all and he/she still, may not be over you. So, if you’ve found yourself depressed after not being able to check anything off of a “is my ex over me?” list/quiz, don’t worry. Just like an illness that could be lying dormant and not yet be producing any physical symptoms, “is my ex over me?” is a little more complicated than the obvious physical signs of someone not being over you.
Even after I had moved on from relationships in the past, I’ve always wondered at some point…
“Is my ex over me?” “Is he struggling as much as I am after the breakup or is it just me? Do I ever cross his mind?”
Let’s break it down…
“Is my ex over me?”
Years ago, when I was going through a breakup, I remember being really annoyed and hurt that I hadn’t heard from my ex. He was perfect, except he was emotionally unavailable and had zero empathy. I still wanted to hear from him though. I needed to be reminded in the form of social media likes, texts, calls, flowers, smoke signals, and sad voicemails that his life was unbearable without me. I got so desperate, I would have even settled for a drunk dial. I just needed some kind of affirmation that I was not as forgettable as his silence made me feel.
Despite the fact that I could have had a better relationship talking to a wall for seven months, my need to talk things through and get closure got the best of me. I ended up contacting him and embarrassing myself. I desperately needed to know that I meant something to him, that I was missed, and that he wasn’t meeting anyone better who was making him any happier.
I hated the fact that someone I had given my everything to, wasn’t coming back for me in any regard.
I hated that my absence didn’t make him want to change.
I hated that I was never good enough to be remembered, missed, and acknowledged.
I hated that I gave him another chance. (I emotionally/physically hooked up with him after the breakup and I got hurt/humiliated. Again).
I hated that Mr. Big came back for Carrie. I hated that this always happened in movies and with all of my other friends but never for me.
If you’re wondering “Is my ex over me?” and your ex is emotionally unavailable/narcissistic and consistently treated you poorly in your relationship… You need to understand that your ex was never truly involved or invested in the way you deserve. He/she is incapable of it. And you can’t really get over something that you weren’t ever genuinely invested in.
Your ex is incapable of genuine investment. And trying to get answers from them is pointless.
It’s like saying that you’d rather go to a dog groomer for a perfect cut and color than go to the best hair salon in Beverly Hills. You’d rather the dog groomer assess your do’ than someone who is trained and specializes in human hair. You’re offended that the dog groomer isn’t acknowledging your hair cut/color and you believe that your value is diminished because he’s noticing canine’s hair more than yours. Wanting answers and closure from an emotionally unavailable ex post-breakup is THAT pointless and unreasonable.
If you find yourself wondering “is my ex over me?” you’re looking for someone who is incapable of validating themselves to validate you. You can’t give what it is you don’t have. If I don’t have a dollar, I can’t donate one.
I’ve had lots of women tell me “But Natasha, I gave him so much love in the relationship!” No, you didn’t.
To give true and authentic love, you have to first have it for yourself. And if you had any self-love, the relationship that you’re trying to get over would never have evolved to this extent (or escalated past a few dates that included a multitude of red flags as the main entrée). I’m not saying that you didn’t love him. I’m saying that unconditionally loving him meant conditionally loving yourself. I’m saying that loving him meant that you couldn’t love yourself enough to act on your boundaries being busted.
So, “is my ex over me?”…
If he/she hasn’t gotten in touch, that doesn’t mean that they are over you or that they don’t care. They could still very well be hurting and missing you. They care, but by not reaching out… it’s clear that they don’t care the way that you want and deserve.
If they don’t reach out, it’s generally because they can’t be accountable and don’t want to have to answer for anything.
This doesn’t have anything to do with you or your value. And if they try to make you feel like it does, that’s just because they’re banking on the hope that you’re still broken enough to think that the shortcomings of a grown adult are indicative of your lack of value.
Confidence, boundaries, honesty, and kindness are sexy to the right men and women. And those qualities always trump the superficiality of winning a genetic lottery. You’re still not recognizing your value or you would not be wondering “is my ex over me?”
If you don’t value yourself, you will waste your life waiting for people to “rescue,” validate and love you back to life.
Ultimately, we always attract what we exude (and need to work on). This is why people that enter our lives are sometimes referred to as “lessons.”
Remember: The ONLY person whose validation you’ll never be able to live without is your own.
The girl/guy that toxic exes always have the hardest time getting over; the one that they ALWAYS end up comparing everyone else to, is the one who decided (even if that decision came after a lot of mistakes and embarrassments), that enough was enough. The person who spoke with his/her actions and the person who, despite their heartbreak, decided that their proverbial hairdo didn’t need to be accessed by the neighborhood pet groomer any longer.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your breakup, please look into working with me here.