After breaking up, one of the first things I always used to ask myself was “should I call him?” and if so…
Friends and family urged me not to and I knew deep down that it wasn’t a good idea. But I couldn’t stop with the “should I call him or try to forget about him?” In my mind, it had to be one or the other. Either way, I felt like I had something to lose.
No matter how wrong for me I knew my ex was and how toxic of a relationship I knew we had…
I missed him.
I couldn’t exercise, party, sleep, date, drink, or think my ex away. It was impossible to forget the guy that he was in the beginning.
One of my lowest points was calling from a restricted number just to hear him pick up the phone. I silently cried as the “hellos?” kept coming and then hung up after a few seconds. The most embarrassing was when my ex picked up and after a few unanswered “hellos?” he said, “…Natasha?” I died. I could literally feel whatever dignity I had left exit my body. Unfortunately, it still wasn’t enough to stop me.
I ended up spending a large sum of money on a “how to get your ex boyfriend back” course that my endless Google searching had led me to. The 250-page “answer” basically boiled down to: remain in no contact and play hard to get.
How are you supposed to play hard to get when your ex doesn’t want anything to do with you?
As the days passed, every second became about acknowledging the fact that I hadn’t yet reached out and fighting the urge to mute the “should I call him?” question. This left absolutely no time to care for myself, let alone heal and deal.
Because every moment was accounted for with the “should I call him? No, I can’t! I need to forget him!” emotional tug of war, it was impossible for me to see that what I was essentially “fighting off,” was the urge to dumpster dive.
I couldn’t accept that the trash had taken itself out.
And no, I am NOT calling anyone trash. I define trash as something that is no longer useful in a positive way. For me, toxic relationships are trash because they aren’t constructive in any way – they are destructive.
If the trash was going to go to the dumpster, I either needed to dump it myself or it needed to forewarn me. It had to be on my terms. Why? The trash wasn’t supposed to take itself out! It was supposed to be grateful for the fact that I had worked so hard to please it and buff it into what I thought, was a bar of gold.
Emotionally unavailable and narcissistic exes are the hardest to get over. This is mainly because they are extremely hard to read. And I loved “hard to read” because it gave me permission to remain invested. It also justified continuing to put up with crumbs – from myself and others.
If you find yourself staring at your phone wondering, “should I call him?” read these 5 steps first and you will know what you need to do.
If you’re asking “should I call him?” and it’s an emotionally unavailable or narcissistic ex you are referring to…
- Understand that if you decide to call your ex, he/she is not going to hear you. Because your ex is coming from a place of emotional and empathetic bankruptcy, the ONLY way that they will ever be able to hear you is from a disconnected, selfish, and egoic standpoint. Do you really want to give someone like this that kind of satisfaction? Is the withdrawal from your self-esteem account that worth it?
- So, what WILL your ex hear if you decide to call? Because actions always speak louder than words (even with toxic people), the only real listening that your ex is going to be doing is listening to what your actions are TRANSLATING. By making the effort to pick up the phone and call someone who consistently treated you poorly, you’re translating through your actions that you care more about their validation than you do your dignity.
- Your ex can get away with it. By acting on your “should I call him?” impulse, you’re also translating to your ex that not only is he NOT that bad of a guy, but that he can clearly, get away with what he did. It doesn’t matter if you call and rip him a new one (do not do that – always be classy and stay on your white horse), he will STILL think that he got away with it. If he was as disloyal of a guy as you want to tell him that he is, why would you waste the energy to call someone who was THAT toxic? What makes you think that at this point, he’ll understand? If he was even capable of understanding, you wouldn’t be in this position. How crazy do you really want to look here? By you even making the effort to call, he views everything he did as, “getting away with it” because CLEARLY, you’re still giving him the time of day (and he still has control).
- “Should I call him?” Know the cost & be your own spiritual banker FIRST. The short-term satisfaction that you’ll feel in the moment by calling will ultimately, be fleeting and result in heightened pain and insecurity. You’ll propel yourself into more confusion, low self-esteem, and humiliation. If someone treated you that poorly, they’re going to wonder why you’re even making the effort to call and tell them. You don’t need to give your ex a clinical review. It’s not your job. Be the girl that these guys will always refer to as “the one that got away,” by speaking with your actions. You don’t need to call, just disappear. Make your ex wonder what the hell got into you, why you’re avoiding him, and where you went. The lack of control and curiosity will eat away at him MUCH more than you calling him and giving him a piece of your mind ever will.
- You can rewrite history in a better way. One of the only good things about having been in a toxic relationship with an emotionally unavailable or narcissistic partner is that they’re only going to define you by how you are in the present moment. Yeah, they could think that you’re crazy for x,y and z in the past, but their mind is more in the present when they haven’t heard from you. This means that you can essentially, redefine yourself at any time. Reintroduce your ex to who you truly are: NOT the girl who can’t resist the desire to dial, but the girl who’s unapologetically indifferent and bounced back.
The girl who’s got much better things to do with her time than take the time to call anyone who couldn’t value hers.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.