When I think of the Stages of a Breakup, I immediately think of the Five Stages of Grief. If you’re not familiar with the Five Stages of Grief, I’m sure you’ve at least heard of it before.

Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross introduced these stages in her book (published in 1969) On Death and Dying. This book (which included the Five Stages of Grief) was inspired by her work with terminally ill patients. Kubler-Ross’s model hypothesizes that people in the thrones of grief experience a series of five emotions, or “stages”: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

If you’d like to look more in-depth at these stages, see studies refuting and supporting this massively influential concept and get more information, you can easily do your own research online. David Kessler, who co-authored a book with Kubler-Ross, recently wrote about the “Sixth Stage” of Grief he discovered: Meaning.

After the death of his son, David was heartbreakingly affirmed firsthand just how non-linear, not progressive, and unpredictable the process really is.

I am not a doctor, a medical professional, or a professional who is licensed or certified in anything (and I’ve never claimed to be or presented myself as such). My education has come from life experiences, not a classroom. I have the utmost respect for the psychological and psychiatric professional community and am honored to work with many people around the world from the professional community.

Although I have not run clinical studies in a scholastic environment, I have survived people, relationships, situations, and circumstances that I was convinced I couldn’t.

I have gone to war with parts of myself that for years, I was too ashamed to acknowledge. And although I am still very much a work in progress, I have come out on the other end.

Currently, I work with clients in 31 countries around the world – many of whom are grieving the loss of a person and a relationship that wasn’t supposed to ever go away. I have not only been emotionally suicidal myself, but I talk to people every day who are emotionally suicidal due to the soul-shattering pain of a breakup with a selfish, emotionally unintelligent individual who lacks self-awareness, empathy, maturity, and a life outside of their egoic needs. They may also believe that the truth has versions.

I see the Stages of a Breakup that people are in, in real-time, every day. Experiencing a range of emotions after a breakup is completely normal, but not everyone goes through the same emotional process.

Through the years, I have noticed many common denominators when it comes to the Stages of a Breakup with a toxic ex.

I define a toxic person as anyone who gets validation by exploiting your hunger for theirs.

Holes can be poked in literally anything and there are exceptions to every rule.

Yes, people of all genders, orientations, and circumstances experience many specific differences. But I have noticed that pain is pain; an investment in a relational Ponzi scheme will never elicit consistent returns, and it’s a lot of the same bullsh*t – just different body parts and dynamics.

I write from the perspective of a straight woman because it’s the only authentic perspective that I can write from. But I feel as though these Stages of a Breakup that I’ve come up with (after going through it myself many times myself and coaching thousands of people around the world), are very common when it comes to breakups with a toxic ex.

Whether it’s a breakup in a romantic relationship, a friendship, with a family member, a coworker, or an ex partner, toxic people have a way of making us feel like we were nothing more than a doormat-launching-pad. A doormat whose not-enoughness, launched them into profound change and evolution, relational success, and a happier life now that we are no longer in it. The emotional aftermath of a breakup with an ex partner can be particularly challenging, often filled with feelings of denial, the urge to reach out, and the difficulty of moving on. In a long term relationship, these feelings can be even more pronounced as the stability and dynamics of the partnership are deeply ingrained in one’s life. Understanding and closure are crucial during this healing process.

The Stages of a Breakup are definitely NOT linear; you may not experience all of them.

And just when you get to one stage, you may fall back into a stage you already feel like you’ve gone through.

That’s okay.

The truth really does set you free. But if you’ve never known the peace, indifference, freedom, and joy of emotional independence, you will always find yourself returning to the shackles of relational toxicity.

No matter what you believe you deserve in this life…

If you’re more familiar with toxic relationships than you are with healthy, reciprocal ones, certainty will always take precedence over the courage to act on healthy boundaries. Even if it’s reaffirming the certainty of your own pain, perceived worthlessness, and suffering.

This breakup has made you forget just how resilient and irreplaceable you really are.

It’s time to refresh your memory.

The Stages of a Breakup are here are as a guide to frame, identify, and break down what you may be feeling and experiencing.

Reaching the acceptance phase is an important emotional stage in moving forward.

Understanding the Breakup Process

Setting the Context for Emotional Turmoil

Breakups can be a catalyst for intense emotional turmoil, and understanding the context of this process is crucial for navigating the various emotional stages that follow. The grieving process after a breakup can be just as painful as grieving the death of a loved one, and it’s essential to acknowledge the emotional pain that comes with the loss of a relationship. By recognizing the emotional roller coaster that often accompanies a breakup, individuals can better prepare themselves for the journey ahead and take the necessary steps to heal and move forward.

Emotional disturbances following a breakup can also impact sleep patterns, leading to insomnia or disrupted sleep, which further exacerbates the emotional turmoil.

The Phases of Relationship Breakups

Breakups are never easy, and the emotional roller coaster that follows can be overwhelming. Understanding the common phases of breakups can help you navigate this challenging time. While everyone’s personal journey is unique, there are shared experiences and feelings that many go through. Recognizing these phases can provide a sense of normalcy and help you cope more effectively.

The initial phase often involves a mix of shock and disbelief. It’s perfectly normal to feel stunned and detached from reality as you process the end of the relationship. This can be followed by a period of intense sadness and longing, where you might find yourself reminiscing about the good times and questioning what went wrong.

As you move through these phases, you might experience anger and frustration, not just towards your ex but also towards yourself for staying in the relationship for as long as you did. This is a time when self-care becomes crucial. Engaging in activities that bring you joy and comfort can help you manage these intense emotions.

Eventually, you will reach a phase of acceptance and personal growth. This is where you start to see the breakup as a necessary step towards a healthier and happier future. It’s important to remember that healing is not linear, and it’s okay to revisit earlier phases as you continue to process your emotions.

What are the Stages of a Breakup with a toxic ex during the grieving process?

Breaking up with a toxic ex can be particularly challenging, as the emotional aftermath is often more complex and prolonged. It’s essential to acknowledge that the relationship was unhealthy and that ending it is a crucial step towards healing and personal growth. Here are some stages you might experience during this true grieving process:

• Relief: Initially, you might feel a sense of relief that the toxic relationship has ended. This is a perfectly normal reaction, as your mind and body start to unwind from the constant stress and emotional turmoil.
• Guilt: It’s common to experience guilt or shame for staying in the relationship for so long. You might question your decisions and feel responsible for the pain you endured.
• Anger: Anger towards your ex for their toxic behavior can surface. This anger is a natural part of the grieving process and can be a powerful motivator for change.
• Sadness: Grieving the loss of the relationship and the emotional investment you made is inevitable. Allow yourself to feel this sadness without judgment.
• Fear: Fear that your ex may try to contact or harm you can be a real concern. It’s important to take steps to protect yourself and seek professional help if needed.
• Acceptance: Finally, you will reach a stage of acceptance, where you acknowledge that the relationship is over and it’s time to move on. This acceptance is a crucial step towards rebuilding your life.

Navigating these stages can be incredibly challenging, and it’s crucial to seek professional help from a mental health professional or a relationship coach. They can provide the support and guidance needed to work through these emotions and help you on your path to healing.

What are the Stages of a Breakup with a *toxic* ex during the grieving process?

1. Limiting Your Relationship With Reality

In order for your ex to be able to continue living on in your head and heart as someone worthy of your time, attention, and love (and also, capable of changing), you need to actively limit your relationship with reality.

Why?

Subscribing to reality is painful; the truth hurts and right now, it’s too painful to accept. It’s common to feel sad during this stage, as the emotional journey of a breakup often involves fluctuating feelings of sadness, confusion, and anger. This sadness is tied to a sense of loss, similar to grieving a loved one.

2. Cherry-Picking the Good

We cherry-pick the good times of the former relationship and the decent qualities of our ex. We then amplify those little bits of decency – all while turning our back to non-negotiable bullsh*t at every turn. Reflecting on both the positive and negative aspects of the former relationship is crucial for healing and acceptance.

We do this because we are more focused on the high of satiation (from a little crumb of “good”) than we are interested in (subscribing to reality) and addressing the shame of starvation (how hungry we have to be for a CRUMB of decency to satiate us).

3.3 3. Show Them What They’re Missing While Practicing Self-Care

As far as the Stages of a Breakup go, this one makes me laugh because I’ve done it so many times in so many different (embarrassing) ways.

Whether it’s on social media or through mutual friends, we indirectly try to show our toxic ex what they’re missing on a superficial level while trying to heal on a substantial level. This stage is often filled with mixed emotions, as we navigate the emotional complexities that arise after a breakup. It’s normal to want to date again despite these mixed feelings, and individuals should be prepared for a range of emotions as they navigate life post-breakup. However, it is important to ensure that you are truly prepared for a new relationship rather than simply rebounding, as personal growth and healing are essential before moving forward.

I’ve tried acupuncture, reiki, Eat Pray Love, yoga, meditation, you name it. This was all happening AS I WAS attention-mongering at every turn; putting on an indirect performance to get a crumb of validation from an ex who couldn’t even self-validate.

4. Rationalizing Friendship

There’s no reason we can’t be friends… right?

Wrong.

Yet, we continue to try and put the square peg into the round hole.

Because we have limited our relationship with reality, we can’t see nor accept that our ex was NEVER a true friend to us. So, we expect them to be capable of a mutual and reciprocal friendship just because they are no longer our partner.

This makes no sense. You aren’t that powerful that your (perceived) worthlessness could make an emotionally and empathetically connected, responsible adult completely disconnect and abandon their moral code JUST BECAUSE they are in a relationship with you.

5. Checking up, Stalking, and Obsessing on an Emotional Roller Coaster

Nothing ignites stalking and obsession more than a toxic person rejecting us. Of all the Stages of a Breakup, this is one of the most difficult to get past.

Never has it been so easy to check up on an ex (without directly contacting them) as it is today. Checking up soon turns into a full-blown stalking obsession. We check their social media multiple times a day, drive by their house, etc. all to try and maintain a pulse in an already confirmed dead-end relationship.

6. Falling off Your White Horse

We “check-up” (social media stalk) so much (or we hear something from a mutual friend) that we get triggered enough to react when something shakes us to our core. Staying on your white horse Is emotional intelligence; it’s non-reactivity.

By allowing our emotional triggers to dictate our actions, we inevitably fall off our white horse and break the promises we’ve tried to keep to ourselves. This creates a great deal of shame and embarrassment because it feels like our ex now has “the power.”

We then try to give our reactivity a purpose via closure-seeking.

7. Closure-Seeking

With all the different Stages of a Breakup, this one can feel the most out of control and hopeless.

Bottom line: As long as your self-esteem is low and your ex’s level of toxicity is high, you will not only feel desperate for closure, but you’ll feel like only they can give you the closure you need to healthily move on. The thing is, if someone treated you so poorly that you start going on a closure expedition, you actually have the key to your own prison cell. Their hurtful behavior IS your closure.

You can’t expect someone who was consistently immature, disrespectful, and dishonest to now, all of a sudden be mature, respectful, honest, and able to value you, all in the name of closure.

If this could actually happen, exes around the world would be giving closure and I would be out of work.

8. Self-Sabotage

Because of how poorly the closure-seeking made us feel, we try to “get back out there” and socialize, go out, maybe even date.

This is about as effective as putting a bandage on cancer.

But because this relationship has drained you of your sense of reality and self, you end up attracting people, circumstances, situations, and events that affirm your negative belief system. You look for erasers everywhere but all you end up finding are people and situations that highlight the absence of your ex.

During this challenging time, focusing on personal growth is crucial. Use this period to reflect on your experiences, identify lessons learned, and engage in activities that foster joy and fulfillment.

9. Disgust

Of all the stages of a breakup, this is my favorite one because once you get here, there’s no going back.

You FINALLY get to a point where you become so disgusted, you just can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. Your emotional gag reflex has kicked in with both your ex and their toxicity, along with YOUR OWN toxicity that you are now able to own and identify.

10. Forgiveness and Personal Growth

To me, forgiveness is adjusted boundaries rooted in acceptance. You accept who your ex has unfolded to be.

You accept what you did/did not do and you adjust your boundaries accordingly because you prioritize your peace over the chaos and crumbs of relational amateur hour.

This is how you give your pain a purpose. It’s how you can USE other people’s toxicity to get you out of your own, once and for all.

It’s how you accept that some people are lessons, some relationships are mirrors, and until you are willing to compassionately address the person staring back at you, you will never be free.

If you want “revenge,” prioritize your peace. Toxic exes do not realize the shackles they are in until they see you unlock your own.

I will be digging much deeper into these stages soon. This is just an introduction to help you identify where you’re at and affirm that you are not alone.

Emotional Response

The emotional response to a breakup can vary widely from person to person. It’s essential to acknowledge and validate your emotions, rather than suppressing or denying them. Here are some common emotional stages you might experience:

Shock, Denial, and Ambivalence

The initial stages of a breakup can be characterized by shock, denial, and ambivalence. It’s common to feel numb, disbelieving, or uncertain about the future. This phase can last from a few days to several weeks.

• Shock: You might feel stunned, disbelieving, or detached from reality. This is your mind’s way of protecting you from the immediate pain.
• Denial: Refusing to accept the breakup or believing that your ex will change their mind is a common reaction. It’s a way to hold onto hope, even if it’s false hope.
• Ambivalence: Feeling uncertain or torn between staying in the relationship and moving on can be confusing. This ambivalence is a natural part of the grieving process.

Anger, Sadness, and Grief

As the reality of the breakup sets in, emotions such as anger, sadness, and grief may arise. It’s essential to acknowledge and process these emotions to move forward.

• Anger: Feeling resentful, frustrated, or angry towards your ex is a natural response. This anger can be directed at the situation, your ex, or even yourself.
• Sadness: Grieving the loss of the relationship and the emotional investment you made is a crucial part of healing. Allow yourself to feel this sadness without judgment.
• Grief: Experiencing a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, and guilt, as you come to terms with the end of the relationship is part of the true grieving process.

Seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional can help you navigate these emotional responses. It’s important to remember that it’s completely normal to feel a wide range of emotions after a breakup, and seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Coping Mechanisms

Practical Strategies for Navigating Emotional Challenges

Coping with the emotional challenges of a breakup requires a range of practical strategies that prioritize self-compassion, self-care, and emotional regulation. Here are some effective coping mechanisms to consider:

• Practicing mindfulness and meditation: Staying present in the moment can help manage intense emotions and reduce anxiety.
• Engaging in physical activity: Exercise or yoga can release endorphins, which improve mood and overall well-being.
• Seeking support: Friends, family, or a therapist can provide a safe space to process emotions and gain new perspectives.
• Writing down thoughts and feelings: Journaling can be a powerful tool for processing and releasing pent-up emotions.
• Engaging in comforting activities: Reading, listening to music, or other relaxing activities can provide a much-needed break from emotional stress.

By incorporating these coping mechanisms into daily life, individuals can better navigate the emotional challenges of a breakup and set themselves up for a more fulfilling life.

Seeking Support

The Importance of External Help and Community

Seeking support from external sources is a crucial aspect of the healing process after a breakup. Whether it’s a family therapist, a support group, or a trusted friend or family member, having a network of people who can offer emotional support and guidance can make a significant difference in navigating the various emotional stages of a breakup. By seeking help and connecting with others who have gone through similar experiences, individuals can gain a deeper understanding of their emotions and develop the tools and strategies needed to move forward and rebuild their lives.

In addition to seeking support from external sources, it’s also important to prioritize self-care and self-compassion during this time. This can involve engaging in activities that bring joy and relaxation, practicing mindfulness and meditation, and being kind and gentle with oneself as they navigate the healing process. By combining external support with self-care and self-compassion, individuals can create a powerful foundation for healing and growth after a breakup.

Written by: Natasha Adamo