When I think of the Stages of a Breakup, I immediately think of the Five Stages of Grief. If you’re not familiar with the Five Stages of Grief, I’m sure you’ve at least heard of it before.
Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross introduced these stages in her book (published in 1969) On Death and Dying. This book (which included the Five Stages of Grief) was inspired by her work with terminally ill patients. Kubler-Ross’s model hypothesizes that people in the thrones of grief experience a series of five emotions, or “stages”: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
If you’d like to look more in-depth at these stages, see studies refuting and supporting this massively influential concept and get more information, you can easily do your own research online. David Kessler, who co-authored a book with Kubler-Ross, recently wrote about the “Sixth Stage” of Grief he discovered: Meaning.
After the death of his son, David was heartbreakingly affirmed firsthand just how non-linear, not progressive, and unpredictable the process really is.
I am not a doctor, a medical professional, or a professional who is licensed or certified in anything (and I’ve never claimed to be or presented myself as such). My education has come from life experiences, not a classroom. I have the utmost respect for the psychological and psychiatric professional community and am honored to work with many people around the world from the professional community.
Although I have not run clinical studies in a scholastic environment, I have survived people, relationships, situations, and circumstances that I was convinced I couldn’t.
I have gone to war with parts of myself that for years, I was too ashamed to acknowledge. And although I am still very much a work in progress, I have come out on the other end.
Currently, I work with clients in 31 countries around the world – many of whom are grieving the loss of a person and a relationship that wasn’t supposed to ever go away. I have not only been emotionally suicidal myself, but I talk to people every day who are emotionally suicidal due to the soul-shattering pain of a breakup with a selfish, emotionally unintelligent individual who lacks self-awareness, empathy, maturity, and a life outside of their egoic needs. They may also believe that the truth has versions.
I see the Stages of a Breakup that people are in, in real-time, every day.
Through the years, I have noticed many common denominators when it comes to the Stages of a Breakup with a toxic ex.
I define a toxic person as anyone who gets validation by exploiting your hunger for theirs.
Holes can be poked in literally anything and there are exceptions to every rule.
Yes, people of all genders, orientations, and circumstances experience many specific differences. But I have noticed that pain is pain; an investment in a relational Ponzi scheme will never elicit consistent returns, and it’s a lot of the same bullsh*t – just different body parts and dynamics.
I write from the perspective of a straight woman because it’s the only authentic perspective that I can write from. But I feel as though these Stages of a Breakup that I’ve come up with (after going through it myself many times myself and coaching thousands of people around the world), are very common when it comes to breakups with a toxic ex.
Whether it’s a breakup in a romantic relationship, a friendship, with a family member, a coworker, etc., toxic people have a way of making us feel like we were nothing more than a doormat-launching-pad. A doormat whose not-enoughness, launched them into profound change and evolution, relational success, and a happier life now that we are no longer in it.
The Stages of a Breakup are definitely NOT linear; you may not experience all of them.
And just when you get to one stage, you may fall back into a stage you already feel like you’ve gone through.
That’s okay.
The truth really does set you free. But if you’ve never known the peace, indifference, freedom, and joy of emotional independence, you will always find yourself returning to the shackles of relational toxicity.
No matter what you believe you deserve in this life…
If you’re more familiar with toxic relationships than you are with healthy, reciprocal ones, certainty will always take precedence over the courage to act on healthy boundaries. Even if it’s reaffirming the certainty of your own pain, perceived worthlessness, and suffering.
This breakup has made you forget just how resilient and irreplaceable you really are.
It’s time to refresh your memory.
The Stages of a Breakup are here are as a guide to frame, identify, and break down what you may be feeling and experiencing.
What are the Stages of a Breakup with a toxic ex?
1. Limiting Your Relationship With Reality
In order for your ex to be able to continue living on in your head and heart as someone worthy of your time, attention, and love (and also, capable of changing), you need to actively limit your relationship with reality.
Why?
Subscribing to reality is painful; the truth hurts and right now, it’s too painful to accept.
2. Cherry-Picking the Good
We cherry-pick the good times of the relationship and the decent qualities of our ex. We then, amplify those little bits of decency – all while turning our back to non-negotiable bullsh*t at every turn.
We do this because we are more focused on the high of satiation (from a little crumb of “good”) than we are interested in (subscribing to reality) and addressing the shame of starvation (how hungry we have to be for a CRUMB of decency to satiate us).
3. Show Them What They’re Missing While “Healing”
As far as the Stages of a Breakup go, this one makes me laugh because I’ve done is so many times in so many different (embarrassing) ways.
Whether it’s on social media or through mutual friends, we indirectly try to show our toxic ex what their missing on a superficial level while trying to heal on a substantial level.
I’ve tried acupuncture, reiki, Eat Pray Love, yoga, meditation, you name it. This was all happening AS I WAS attention mongering at every turn; putting on an indirect performance to get a crumb of validation from an ex who couldn’t even self-validate.
4. Rationalizing Friendship
There’s no reason we can’t be friends… right?
Wrong.
Yet, we continue to try and put the square peg into the round hole.
Because we have limited our relationship with reality, we can’t see nor accept that our ex was NEVER a true friend to us. So, we expect them to be capable of a mutual and reciprocal friendship just because they are no longer our partner.
This makes no sense. You aren’t that powerful that your (perceived) worthlessness could make an emotionally and empathetically connected, responsible adult completely disconnect and abandon their moral code JUST BECAUSE they are in a relationship with you.
5. Checking up, Stalking, and Obsessing
Nothing ignites stalking and obsession more than a toxic person rejecting us. Of all the Stages of a Breakup, this is one of the most difficult to get past.
Never has it been so easy to check up on an ex (without directly contacting them) as it is today. Checking up soon turns into a full-blown stalking obsession. We check their social media multiple times a day, drive by their house, etc. all to try and maintain a pulse in an already confirmed dead-end relationship.
6. Falling off Your White Horse
We “check up” (social media stalk) so much (or we hear something from a mutual friend) that we get triggered enough to react when something shakes us to our core. Staying on your white horse Is emotional intelligence; it’s non-reactivity.
By allowing our emotional triggers to dictate our actions, we inevitably fall off our white horse and break the promises we’ve tried to keep to ourselves. This creates a great deal of shame and embarrassment because it feels like our ex now has “the power.”
We then try to give our reactivity a purpose via closure-seeking.
7. Closure-Seeking
With all the different Stages of a Breakup, this one can feel the most out of control and hopeless.
Bottom line: As long as your self-esteem is low and your ex’s level of toxicity is high, you will not only feel desperate for closure, but you’ll feel like only they can give you the closure you need to healthily move on. The thing is, if someone treated you so poorly that you start going on a closure expedition, you actually have the key to your own prison cell. Their hurtful behavior IS your closure.
You can’t expect someone who was consistently immature, disrespectful, and dishonest to now, all of a sudden be mature, respectful, honest, and able to value you, all in the name of closure.
If this could actually happen, exes around the world would be giving closure and I would be out of work.
8. Self-Sabotage
Because of how poorly the closure-seeking made us feel, we try to “get back out there” and socialize, go out, maybe even date.
This is about as effective as putting a bandage on cancer.
But because this relationship has drained you of your sense of reality and self, you end up attracting people, circumstances, situations, and events that affirm your negative belief system. You look for erasers everywhere but all you end up finding are people and situations that highlight the absence of your ex.
9. Disgust
Of all the stages of a breakup, this is my favorite one because once you get here, there’s no going back.
You FINALLY get to a point where you become so disgusted, you just can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. Your emotional gag reflex has kicked in with both your ex and their toxicity, along with YOUR OWN toxicity that you are now able to own and identify.
10. Forgiveness
To me, forgiveness is adjusted boundaries rooted in acceptance. You accept who your ex has unfolded to be.
You accept what you did/did not do and you adjust your boundaries accordingly because you prioritize your peace over the chaos and crumbs of relational amateur hour.
This is how you give your pain a purpose. It’s how you can USE other people’s toxicity to get you out of your own, once and for all.
It’s how you accept that some people are lessons, some relationships are mirrors, and until you are willing to compassionately address the person staring back at you, you will never be free.
If you want “revenge,” prioritize your peace. Toxic exes do not realize the shackles they are in until they see you unlock your own.
I will be digging much deeper into these stages soon. This is just an introduction to help you identify where you’re at and affirm that you are not alone.
x Natasha
+ If you’re interested in further help on the stages of a breakup, please check out my online course, Breaking UP, Not DOWN – Navigating The Stages of a Breakup.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.
Thank you. Just thank you. ♥️
Natasha,
Absolutely incredible article. I appreciate the way you described all the different stages of a breakup, in a way I resonated with. Thank you for your wise words & for helping me stay on my white horse ♥️
I love and appreciate you so much, soul sister ♥️ I’m so glad it helped and grateful for you. Xox
As a guy whose just experienced his first real adult heartbreak, at the age of 30, despite numerous relationships, this one was the ‘one’.
Toxicity comes in so many forms which is what I’ve discovered, I became resentful at times in my relationship due to insecurity and feeling as if my love was not reciprocated and when the relationship ended, I’ve been experiencing all these stages.
I’m on a constant path to become the best version of myself and grow on areas I need to grow.
Forgiveness is key.
Thank you x
James,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for being a part of this community. Resent is a major stage as well (also for me personally, vacillating between vilifying the other person and myself).
The path you are on right now is the same one I am on. Every day, I try to be a better person. We are all doing our imperfect best and I agree, forgiveness is KEY.
All my love to you. Thank you again for taking the time to comment.
Hello Natasha.
Thank you for this. As I was reading I could relate to all the stages. I wish that I had this before so I could understand what was happening. I can remember the mental and physical pain that I was experiencing but I did not understand the stages. I’m still in forgiveness I think. I feel like most of my life I have been in one of these stages just based on my experiences with people. I concluded that sometimes things will just cause pain that may stay even though you move on in your life. I think that now I am wiser but also I guard myself. Not the best way but as you say one has to have boundaries. This was really a great post and I know that it will help many people. Thank you. You are so great at helping all of us. Miss you and I truly hope we meet soon.
Love you sister.😘💕🌸🦄
Hi Sister!
I appreciate you taking the time to always comment with such inclusivity and vulnerability, it helps others feel less alone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. The guest post that you wrote on ghosting continues to help thousands of people every day.
I’m so glad that this post was useful and that you could identify with each stage (I know I can!).
I will never forget you and what you’ve done for me (plus countless others). You are an angel on earth and I am so honored to call you my soul sister.
I am still in forgiveness too! Every day, I work on it. For me, it’s forgiving myself mostly.
Love you – thank you for YOU. xox
Thank you so much for your warmth, wisdom and intellect. I have been stuck on stage 5 for 2 years (I’m hopeful I can move on to stage 9). This article truly lifted my spirits! ❤️ I saw that my ex is in romantic Europe with his new girlfriend. Thanks to you (!) I stopped comparing and now celebrate that even in the context of receiving “crumbs” I can love deeply and unconditionally.
I consider it a success that the intensity of hurt from seeing a huge smile on his face with his new gf is not what it used to be at all. 😊 Despite planning exceptional getaways for us, I was never “gifted” with a huge smile or an Instagram story.
Sarah,
THANK YOU SO MUCH for taking the time to comment and by doing so, helping others (who are too shy or reluctant to comment) feel less alone in their pain. I am so happy and honored to have helped/help in any way.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe.
And I’m glad that this post served you. The process is definitely NOT linear, but you will get there. Every day, more light will come in. And you will be grateful for this GIFT you’ve been given. You have the self-awareness and the right attitude. Keep being kind to yourself and remember “not everything that glitters is gold.” – ESPECIALLY on social media. The only reason you are able to see and celebrate and appreciate all that you do in me is because you possess and radiate the same.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and thank you for you. All my love to you, soul sister. xx
Great article as with all the articles I’ve read of yours. Going through this breakup for a little three months. Was hoping to be completely fine by this point but I’m just not there yet. We have a daughter together and she, after about a five year relationship jumped into a full blown relationship 2 weeks after our break up that I initiated. Introduced out daughter just as quick. Says she’s in love and is ready to marry. Plus there is evidence of prior steeping out of our relationship with her new boyfriend. Plenty of bad thoughts going on in my mind but your articles always help. Thank you for taking the time to write them.
James,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share (and by doing so, helping countless others feel less alone in the feelings and pain). Thank you for being a part of this tribe. I am so sorry that you’re going through this – as an ex, a man, and most importantly, a Father.
Happy that the posts have helped. I live to give everything that I wish I had.
You are not alone my friend.
Natasha, I almost started crying as I read this. I think what stopped the tears was a cold, or cooling, emerging sense of disgust – of the friendship I had, of my own hunger vs my own openness to a woman who doesn’t deserve it (not even eating crumbs but _waiting_ for them on messenger only this morning). I love your writing. You said many times this blog is not for everyone. I can’t tell you how many people I recommended it to. No clue really how many started following this path, since I am now without reach from so many of these people, but for me: this blog really is for me. Ever since an extremely toxic person dumped me on a garbage hill, but before that, he went dancing. I smile as I write this, he _was_ supposed to end the relationship on an evening by phone, we made an appointment, but he changed his mind and went dancing, so I was single the day after instead, only waiting for the call. This is so disgusting I must almost apologize to anyone having to read about this sh*tful behavior. But, and here’s the beauty – then the door was opened. I started googling and found this blog. I know there are many great coaches out there. Somehow, always, and actually always so far, for some reason, your writing resonates with me more than any other. Not that I had time to desperately seed alternatives 😘 The reason I didn’t comment so much in the past couple of years (! finding this great source 4 years ago) is that I became a mother. Now I know love is stronger than anything. Love comes in many forms. I hope this can help anyone out there struggling, and if not, this is a little hello 💕
Aqualina!!! Ahhhh I have missed you! We ALL have.
“But, and here’s the beauty – then the door was opened.” – That sentence brought me to tears. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for existing, thank you for seeing/understanding my heart, and thank you for passing this blog on to those who you feel would benefit from it. All I care about is getting people out of pain that I know all too well.
What an incredibly lucky baby you have. The luckiest! I couldn’t be any happier if it was my own life. Truly.
Thanks for checking in and for being with me for all these years. Please always be here.
You know I will be 🙂 Love you! xoxx
Astonishing Natasha, thank you so much for this. For making me receive this when I needed it, for making my day and yes, I will make this more than that. There are so many things I would and could and wanted to say. There are so many things you wrote that I have fetched on to. Let’s call them boundaries. In the past years, I’ve been losing so many friends. The more I have looked into the broken heart of mine since childhood, the yearning for contact – EVERYTHING – the more people have just.. drifted away. Not a single one with any drama. I still don’t know if it’s me sending out some new energy, i just don’t know. There’s one thing though that connects these “friends” – they made me question my value. And this, is a re-written quote from you. I kept this sentence of yours and heard it within me so many times: NEVER (and I quote from memory, maybe right maybe wrong), NEVER reach out to anyone who has ever made you question your value. These all have. And I’m still waiting for this girlfriend of the other day to reply to my birthday greeting to her 😅 I giggle to myself at this point. The thing is, I didn’t consciously break up with these friends. Some I had to pull away from, but many just left me. Still feeling a bit overwhelmed over this. I have gained a couple of new ones, though. These two are LINEAR, and do check in to Natasha’s blog treasure to find out more 💐💐💐💐💐💐
I am in tears of such joy, gratitude, and love for you, my dear soul sister.
SO HAPPY FOR and eternally PROUD of you.
Can’t wait to hug you. Thank you for checking in and for being an inspiration to me and so many others. Please do keep in touch – email me anytime.
I love you. XXxx
Natasha. Best. One of best! Can’t wait to read the next post you mentioned on the end BEFORE I can comment! Can’t say. This is most accurate and, indeed, BIG HEKP to those in agony. Thank you! Hugs. John
John!
I HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH! We all have! Thank you for taking the time to comment and for just being here and being my dear friend. I love and appreciate you so much.
Very happy that this post helped and resonates! I can’t wait to speak and write more about it.
Sending you, your Mother, daughters and family all our love – from me and my Mom.
This article is much needed for me right now! I can relate to all of these and it’s funny because I must be in the “disgust” stage right now as last night for the first time, I accepted my own part played in the toxic situation I’m in.
Thank you so much for putting all of this intl words. It offers so much more clarity!
YESSSS!!!! Thanks, Jodie!
I am so happy that this post helped. Thank you for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe.
So happy for and proud of you. It isn’t easy to self-reflect but it sets you free and into a kind of peace that most never get to experience. I am offering an audio course on this subject matter soon! Look out for it and thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your feedback.
All my love to you, soul sister. xxo
Thank u so much ifeel better now but still ifeel the pain and im so hurt when imiss him every minute me ihope soon everything will be okay.
Thank u so much ifeel better now but still ifeel the pain and im so hurt when imiss him every minute me ihope soon everything will be okay.🥱😭
You are not alone Jenni <3
Dear Natasha ,
thank you for this vey useful article . I spent a year with someone intellectually brilliant who seemed
to care for me but of course it was all an act to have me ‘there for him’ his words , until he saw a way to
become distant ,absent and say its not you ‘it me’ [him]. that was so cowardly its shocking .I did ignore
red flags because he was ‘ill ‘ and i lived him and i wanted to ‘be there for him’……
I have gone for 2 months with no contact of any kind , some instinct has kept me from it , at times i have
wanted to and the urge to do this been almost overwhelming ..the pain have been indescribable.
bout your article has made me choose my own closure ritual [throwing his papers in the bin ] forgiveness is
next , a work in progress , thank you so much
Hi Anne!
I’m so happy that this post helped. I have definitely been there and you are not alone in your feelings, experiences, and pain.
Thank you for taking the time to share.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe.
Thank you for YOU. All my love to you, soul sister. xo
Hi! I in a month after a breakup and is still trying my best to heal. This is my first breakup and what I have been feeling confuses me. I have never been in so much pain like this. I have been crying for months even when I was in a relationship because I can notice that it is ending.
I was the one who broke up even though I still love him so much. Almost everything is just pure toxic. It was hard for me to get over because I’m honestly still obsessing about him. I thought I was getting okay just a few days ago, but then I had stalked him a multiple times (and I have been stopping my urge everytime but I failed a lot of times) and found out that he has found someone new already, just 2 weeks after the breakup. It was messy breakup and I didn’t really had a closure.
After knowing that fact, the feeling of hatred and jealousy once overcame me. I felt so worthless, umotivated, insecure, and ugly. Until I found your articles. I have watched and read a lot of stuff like this, but yours are what helped me A LOT.
I saved this article and I’m promising myself that whenever my mind wanders about them again, I will open my browser and reread this again and again.
Thank you very much! You have no idea how much power and determination you have given me. ♥️
Chris,
Your comment (and the love and connection I feel behind every word) has me in tears. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to share.
Thank you for choosing yourself, prioritizing your peace, and being such an inspiration.
Thank you for YOU.
I am so happy and honored to have helped in any way. I live to give what I wish I would have had.
All my love to you <3