This is an important post. The most important post that I’ve written here on the blog. It’s also a labyrinth of a situation to be in. I really don’t know if I can do this post justice, because there is nothing simple about knowing how to deal with toxic family members.
Here is what we all know:
- Toxic co-workers are difficult and can be detrimental.
- Toxic romances are difficult and can be detrimental.
- Toxic friendships are difficult and can be detrimental.
So, we know the same will apply to toxic family members. However, it is an especially insidious connection to have, as our family is meant to be the safe haven that we fall back on in life.
We can choose our friends, but our family is a choiceless deal.
For better or worse, these are your relatives. Love them, hate them, or loathe them.
- It is where we first learn about love, boundaries, and how to connect with others.
- It is where we learn patterns – healthy or otherwise.
- It is where we learn the value of loyalty, being loved, being cared for, and valued.
Sadly, these qualities are sometimes learned through growing up and being denied them.
This is a naked fact. Not a pleasant one, but a fact nonetheless.
Toxicity in relationships. There are four ways it presents itself:
- Physical abuse
- Mental abuse
- Emotional abuse
- Sexual abuse
First, know that if you are in a situation where you are dealing with toxic family members (or anyone else for that matter)…
When a family member is toxic, remember that you do not deserve to be treated badly or abused. We are meant to flourish, be happy, feel loved, and cared for. To be safe. If you are dealing with a toxic family member who shows no respect for your feelings or boundaries, as crushing as it can be, it doesn’t have to be your forever. Staying away from toxic family can be defined in many ways.
We start life belonging to a special group, taking these people for granted in some ways, as the ones who will always be there for us. We call them our family. The ones with whom we share special traditions, things we do on birthdays, at Christmas or holidays, ways that are passed down through generations.
We share recipes, physical traits, heirlooms, and secrets. Sometimes, we also share toxic traits with toxic parents; behaviors that serve no one but exist anyway.
This is where the labyrinth becomes twisted.
We cannot give out free passes to family though just because they are family. If you are dealing with a destructive relative, it is no more acceptable than it would be in any other individual.
Excuses – not reasons.
There are people who damage others and refuse to own their behavior in any way. They are full of excuses, or others provide excuses for them. Well-being isn’t of importance here. And we feel guilty.
As a child, there is little to nothing we can do about a parent who is addicted to alcohol, drugs, in and out of relationships, violent, verbally abusive, sexually inappropriate, or narcissistic. That is the travesty. We must live with it. This becomes daily life, our reality, the way we grow up. What is even harder, is almost always, the toxic family member doesn’t care about the negative impact they have on others. On us. On our growth and development.
Sadly, often other family members who are aware of the toxicity are either powerless to change it or too afraid to make any attempt to intervene. In a way, this is one of the hardest things to swallow about a toxic family member: sometimes others that we trust and depend on, enable and endorse their sickness by covering it up or excusing it.
People may turn a blind eye towards the toxic person’s conduct. Especially when we try and bring it to light:
“Oh, he didn’t mean it.”
“I didn’t see him hit you…”
“She only swore at you because she was drunk. She wasn’t herself.”
“You are being too sensitive.”
“Don’t upset anyone. Just say nothing.”
“Let sleeping dogs lie.”
“You must have done something to make her angry or else she wouldn’t have reacted that way.”
These transactions are toxic too, as they do not allow anything to be dealt with. Everything gets swept under the proverbial carpet.
We also learn to behave in a certain way related to the toxicity we are dealing with. We might feel we have no voice. We may often feel we are walking on eggshells. We might feel anxiety, fear, and anger or a mix of these. We might find ourselves developing co-dependent behaviors. We might have distorted ideas about disagreements, conflict, and how to share our feelings. What we grow up with may not match what we see in the outside world.
Some of the underlying messages we receive when dealing with toxic family members are:
We are not good enough.
We are not important.
We are not a priority.
We have no right to complain.
We are a nuisance.
We are nothing to be proud of.
We are the problem.
We are not lovable.
We are not worthy.
We are losers.
And…
Our feelings don’t matter.
Our wants and needs are not important and therefore, overlooked.
Our opinions mean nothing.
Our ideas are stupid and meaningless.
Our safety isn’t important.
Our mental well-being isn’t important.
Our happiness isn’t important.
What are some examples of toxic family member dynamics?
This list is not exhaustive. It is merely a guide.
Some examples include:
- Alcohol abuse (and this can be evident without someone being an alcoholic).
- Using drugs.
- Other addictions such as gambling, sex, medication, work, and spending.
- Violence – through anger or after drinking or using drugs or any combination of these.
- Relying on crime to bring in an income.
- Personality disorders.
- Learned behaviors passed down from other generations.
Toxic people change the dynamic of a family because they create dysfunctional patterns of relating to others which in turn, puts an unstable slant on how life works. Negative circumstances continue to breed more dysfunction, which has a flow-on effect towards other family members. Anger is a problem. Things are said and done that should never have been said or done. Emotionally destructive behaviors run rampant. There is often a refusal to consider the needs of others and a feeling of safety is eroded.
Much of the problem is because the focus isn’t on taking care of the family, but accommodating the dysfunctional behavior and the person responsible for it.
What happens to us if we are dealing with a toxic family member and what does it look like?
The biggest thing that happens: our boundaries shift. We shift them so we can deal with the circumstances. We normalize abusive treatment, so it seems easier to tolerate. It becomes our reality. We learn to navigate it.
What kind of behaviors do toxic family members exhibit?
- Control. expecting us to make decisions they approve of and belittling us if we don’t. May use sarcasm, “jokes,” and putdowns to undermine us further.
- Micromanaging everything in our lives. This is control when it is “completely out of control”.
- Threats. Telling us things will be taken away or refused unless we do things a certain way. Their way. Our views and feelings are not taken into account, only theirs.
- Constant criticism. About our life, views, opinions, religious beliefs, dress code, friends, career choices, sexuality.
- Gaslighting. Turning things they have said around, to make us feel like we are the problem and we have misunderstood/ confused things: denying what they said and making us feel like we are going insane
- Blaming. It is always us. We are the reason something isn’t good; we are the problem and we are causing the toxic family member to feel bad.
- Dismissing our feelings. We are not given a voice, a choice or a second thought. We are not valued
- Neglect. Not taking care of a minor if unwell; not providing proper food and emotional support. Not taking any interest in us, refusal to support us and help us when in need.
- Emotional abuse. Silent treatments, laughing/making fun of an individual, verbal abuse, and mind games.
- Lies. Told to cover up things said and done, or to manipulate.
How do I talk about this?
Something to consider…
Sometimes toxic family members are not aware that how they behave is hurtful and damaging. And there are those members who do know but go ahead and do it anyway.
If you think a toxic family member is not aware of the damage they are doing, you have an opportunity to confront them and discuss their behavior and the negative impact it is having.
If they genuinely are unaware of the negativity they are creating, and they care, it is possible that through honest discussion some change is likely. Perhaps this is the start of a new way of relating to each other. Sometimes taking a time out may give everyone the space they need to reassess and try again.
You are allowed to feel happy, wanted, loved, and appreciated. Confronting someone you love but find toxic can be powerful. You need to decide what outcome you want and contact the toxic party, letting them know the rules you need respected if they are to interact with you.
For example, if alcohol is a problem, you will only visit or see them if there is no drinking. If the problem is they don’t like your partner and become sarcastic and difficult when around them, ruining everything for everyone – explain that you won’t accept this, and if it begins, you will both be leaving.
These kinds of rules aren’t manipulative. They are setting a clear boundary that defines how you wish to be treated. Everything will go ahead as planned unless things get abusive. That is healthy.
Make sure you enforce your rules. Stand by them. If you don’t value them, a toxic family member certainly won’t.
Create change by being the change.
How to deal with toxic family members: Is it ever ok to walk away and cut them off?
I cannot answer this for everyone. Sometimes it really is the only option. But making the choice to cut someone off for good… this is not the answer for some. If you are alone and subjected to abuse in private that is hidden from others, then you owe it to yourself to get out.
Anything that is hidden from others but happening to you in private is a reason to leave and find your own safe space. Never accept being someone’s emotional punching bag… or physical one. Sometimes leaving gives you the space to relate to someone in a new, safer and more self-empowered way.
A child cannot make this choice, but as adults, we can. We can choose. Moving out of home, moving away. Placing your own stamp of independence on your life. Learning to be self-sufficient is a challenging but rewarding adventure when you have escaped the clutches of a toxic family who want to control and define you.
The dynamics of toxic families can be such a hidden undercurrent. Some families appear highly functional… respected career paths, intelligent people and a nice family home, comfortable with financial wealth.
However, what goes on behind closed doors in that same home with those same “functional people’ might actually be a destructive cocktail of physical and mental abuse, verbal torment and mind games. And yet, everyone gets up the next day to go out into the world and act normally.
Dealing with toxic family members is hard. And it is often a dirty secret we want to hide. So, how else can you deal with them?
It all comes down again to…
Boundaries.
You might not be able to stop them.
But you don’t have to be them.
How to deal with toxic family members?
- If you feel abused and unloved and uncared for, but are trying to put up with it because it comes from a family member… protect yourself.
- Keep your distance as much as you can. Watch for trigger situations and avoid them, do not engage if you can avoid it.
Also, know this: You are not there to fix them.
- You do not have to assist and help them through every crisis and drama that they are involved with. Sometimes, the transaction gets worse before it gets better, so be clear about your boundaries and enforce them.
- Expect them to not like your boundaries. Do not buy into emotional and manipulative arguments about your requests, just stand by them.
- If you cannot get support from other family members who are also aware of the situation – do your best to love yourself.
Self-care is your first priority.
- Talk to someone who you trust and can confide in. Get some help from a professional or seek legal advice if you have real concerns about your safety or mental wellbeing.
- Don’t keep everything under wraps. There is a saying “we are only as sick as our secrets”. Think about that. What are you hiding? And why? It is probably tied to guilt and shame regarding your family circumstances. If you know you need help, then get it. Love yourself enough to do this. Remember: self-care is your priority when you are in a toxic situation.
We have all heard about blood being “thicker than water” but with a toxic family member, no strong and wholesome bond is created. The bond does not exist in a healthy, sustainable way.
Key message: This is what relationships are really about… the bond between people.
You owe yourself the highest duty of care when toxic family members are unable to treat you with decency, love and respect. You owe it to yourself to stay emotionally unentwined so you can stay emotionally healthy. To identify those toxic family patterns and behaviors. To recognize the destructive outcomes of these behaviors and to not accept them.
I will say it again: Remember, relationships are all about the bond. Stay healthy, keep your boundaries strong, and walk away from toxic people and situations that mirror any destruction you grew up with.
If it is still happening with toxic family members, you need to protect yourself from further damage by distancing yourself. Do not give countless chances to abusive people. If they are family, that does complicate it incredibly, but abuse is abuse. We can learn all kinds of unhealthy behaviors when living with toxicity. We shift our boundaries and accept, excuse and condone unhealthy patterns and sometimes even begin to act the same way.
By staying healthy you give yourself the opportunity to create bonds with other healthy people. This is where you will find the love and peace you are looking for. Sometimes the tribe we connect with are not the same people we grew up with. Sometimes the love and kindness we receive aren’t from the ones we share blood ties with. Grieve it, but don’t let it hold you frozen in time.
Time is the one thing we cannot ever get back. It is gone, spent, wasted. The past doesn’t have to define your future. Do not waste your time watering rocks (I have said this before) and don’t waste your time hoping someone might morph into the person you desperately wish they were.
There are varying degrees of toxicity in relationships but dealing with people who are toxic is draining. Nothing is simple. Everything seems to be a drama; the goalposts keep being shifted and you can end up being hurt and feeling very low about yourself. Over time, you may also be filled with unresolved anger.
Trust these feelings because they come from your gut. Know that these feelings are telling you to find a way to stay safe and feel valued. No matter how hard it is, sometimes we must accept that the people who should mean the most to us, are sometimes the ones who do the least for us.
Accept that you cannot change them, it is not your responsibility to fix them and there is probably nothing you have done to contribute to their behavior.
If you are really struggling with breaking free from the family dynamic you are used to, write down the behaviors you would like to see in others. Write down the things you want to hear, do and feel with others. This is where you want to put your focus.
Breaking the chain
I believe that even in a negative situation, there is usually something good to find. My story is one where it took me years to find myself, but it was a goal I never gave up on.
I clung to that goal and it gave me fuel to keep going during the times I was falling down and getting back up. I had my core values and I wanted to live my life by those. It was worth fighting for. Here is something beautiful to think about if you are dealing with toxic family members….
Be the person they cannot be. Stand up and lead the way to a better way of doing things. A better way of life. A life where love and trust exist. A new way of thinking.
We are all scarred in some way. We all have a past. Many of us have endured unimaginable hurts, damage, and pain. These scars are reminders that you fought, that you survived and you made a choice about the way you wanted to live your life.
We are not the sum total of the people who have hurt or damaged us. We are people who have lived with things we do not like or want and have moved on and are wanting to thrive. To live. Not to exist in another person’s toxic world of pain and shame. To ensure that we will not replicate that same world of toxicity.
Break the chain!
There is a massive difference between tolerating familial toxicity and feeling powerless to change it – as opposed to defining our boundaries about what we will and won’t accept. Stand by your boundaries.
And something else to remember…
Even if someone else cannot respect those boundaries – as long as YOU do, you can move forward.
In the darkest places, the smallest slither of light can shine the brightest.
- Do not let destructive people define you.
- See your own worth when others cannot.
- Treat yourself with self-love and decide on the person you want to be. Work towards that.
- Set yourself goals that mean something to you and stay focused on them.
- Stop wanting people who cannot love, accept, and support you to fill your bucket with happiness and make you feel good.
- Fill your own bucket – and protect your happiness. You deserve it.
- Discover in this huge world what makes you feel good. Focus on that.
- Do things that you love, go to places that you feel good in, choose people who are like-minded and care about you.
- Spend time with people who are enjoyable to be around. Don’t tolerate uncomfortable situations where your boundaries are being trampled on.
And never give someone else the power to continually and deliberately treat you badly – even if it is a family member.
But what if you are feeling truly alone and have no one? What if you cannot continue the relationship with a toxic family member because it is too painful?
If you have lived with a very toxic familial relationship and you feel emotional turmoil from it and are unable to continue this damaging connection, know this:
Although we all want to be loved and accepted, sometimes we don’t get these things from the people we should. You are still lovable, and you will still find acceptance in this world. Remember that adversity teaches us we can survive hardships we never thought we could. And from this, you learn the boundary of all boundaries:
You can live without the approval of others.
The hard part is, we often desperately want the approval of others when we are going through these hard times. Hardship builds a strong person. You learn very quickly that your priorities matter, especially if they are at the expense of someone else’s damaging behavior. You connect with yourself in a way many people never learn to do.
There is always something great to be born out of pain. Some of the most beautiful souls out there have learned to take care of themselves because they had to. You may not realize it but you have identified with your worthiness despite it not being recognized or respected by others.
We develop the incredible quality of resiliency when faced with criticism and unloving treatment off others. Resiliency is the bomb because it teaches you to bounce back. You don’t absorb others’ negativity. It is like a weatherproof coating. You begin to see and understand that what happens around you and to you, does not define your worth. It doesn’t need to define what your future is either.
When you do not need acceptance or validation from others – you learn who you are. You create a rock for a foundation, not a raft that floats along with the ever-changing direction of the tide – or in this case, other people’s agendas or toxic behavior.
You are never alone. You always have yourself.
And when you truly value yourself, you will know just how powerful this place is.
My final word is this: When you see unhealthy and hurtful patterns in your family, you have the power to make a choice that they will end with you.
Be brave.
Be strong.
Be purposeful.
Know you can be a different person and attract different people. Know that you are not the same. Break the chain. Be that tiny slither of light…and let others be responsible for carrying their own darkness.
This post was written by Natasha Adamo Team Member, Lorelle.
Lorelle, this was one of the most powerful, vulnerable, and healing posts that I have ever read. It hit so painfully home that all I can say right now is “thank you.” Thank you for refusing to be a victim and for becoming a survivor. Thank you for surviving your past, your pain, and the shame that was never yours to carry. Thank you for surviving so that we could all *be* your family and feel less alone in our own. Thank you for this beautiful post.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with toxic relationships, please look into working with Natasha here.
Natasha, my dear and sweet friend,
thank you for your beautiful words, to write here is always a special thing for me. This is my 9th post, but, it is the most vulnerable one I have written. But I have discovered that vulnerability can be a superpower. It is what reveals our deepest fears and wants and hurts and most importantly, the things we really stand for and have fought for.
This article is truly written from my heart – and my past. Lots of brokenness and painful moments stitched back together.
Stitched back into a different story. A story of resilience and hope. A story that ended – and where new things started.
This is a little quilt. It’s a quilt to keep us warm when its cold. It’s a quilt filled with love so we never feel unwanted. It’s stitched by hand with threads of hope and self-belief to make sure it holds together and stays strong. A quilt to last many years.
This is also what you and your blog are to so many, many people. A quilt, something real, tangible and warm. Something to bring comfort and hope in those dark times where we feel unloved, unlovable and unseen. Like so many, I am truly grateful for it, and the tribe that exists here.
The people you have introduced me to, the happiness writing brings me, and the absolute love I have for responding to the readers – I cannot thank you enough for what these things have given to me. And then there is our friendship. I love having you in my world. So thank you Natasha. And the readers, everyone. I would never have written this piece without you. And this is the real thing I have discovered through this blog, we are all pieces of the same quilt. We all add our own burst of color, patterns, stories and uniqueness to it. We all stitched together with love and compassion.
I just hope and want this post to be read by the people who need to read it. Because we are truly never alone. There is always a way. Always.
Love you Natasha…xxx
I am so proud of you and proud to know you. Before my own Mother, you were the first person that I handed this baby of mine over to, to write a guest post. Just like your comments, your posts have healed not only me but so many others. They have helped us all feel less alone ??
This post will always be my favorite.
Love you too. Thanks for being my family. xx
Lorelle and Natasha … your timing is impeccable… I deal with 3 sisters and a mother who triangulate – who never speak face to face about issues. They consistently bad-mouth each other and I’m assuming me as well. We grew up with in a very dysfunctional family where lies, alcohol abuse, cheating and “what everyone thinks” dictated our every move and every emotion. (My father who led us through all that garbage is ever so slightly removed) But we are still struggling with the chaos of our past. It’s a strange place of competition for approval, success, and family possessions to a degree that is ridiculous. I get heat for trying to talk about things face to face – where people in my family say that I am scary. Thing is – I never hold a grudge – I am so happy to discuss how things can go wrong in hopes that it’s a miscommunication and things can get sorted out. This style does not work with my sisters and mother. The toxicity of our childhood has run into our adult life like a waterfall. The ironic thing for me is that I want nothing to do with the nonsense, but continually feel like an outsider. Your words on boundaries are going on my fridge. xx S
Hello Susie,
I love your analogy about the waterfall. What I love even more is that you don’t want anything to do with it, and that’s the exact reason you feel like an outsider. You’re not the same kind of chain link they are – so you aren’t able to connect.
This is most bittersweet – because we so want to be able to fit in and blend with our family – to be loved and accepted.
At the same time – we are woke enough to see it for what it is. A place of toxicity where nothing grows or changes.
There have been few comments on this post – it’s takes so much courage to be vulnerable and share – to reach out. .
So know that I admire you for writing here, I can see you and I know where you are. You may feel stuck but you are not. You are free because you can see the situation for what it is. That’s an incredibly powerful place to be.
It’s also lonely though, I I feel that too. I’m sending you so much love and I truly admire your courage to reply.
The fridge is a great place to put up things you want to read constantly. I like your style. Stay strong, and know you’ll find the people who will love you the way your family cannot. Xxx
Lorelle xx
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Wow, thank you for writing that. I agree with you completely and also with the author of this article. After fighting back tears and wondering what I can do more for a few members of family to accept me, I’m realizing that it will never be enough. And that’s okay.
We have value and truth and what other family members push on us will never define us.
AMEN! So happy that you loved this article as much as I do. Thanks for being a part of this tribe, Maggie. xo
Thankyou so much .You dont know how much you helped me .I am in tears ❤️❤️❤️
And now I AM in tears <3 Thank YOU for your love, connection, kindness, support, and for being a part of this tribe! xox
Oh Lorelle! This is such a good post. I wish I had had it years ago!
The parts that really resonate with my experiences are where the section of quotes that people say to excuse the abuser, the “blind eye” and the subsequent list of underlying messages. Thank you for making me feel seen, when no one, even to this day, in my family will.
I also love the list of what to do to be the light in the darkness. So perfectly succinct! I want to copy it down and drawn lines out from each one and start listing specific ways I can do just that in my own life.
And from all this mess, the gift of resiliency…so good!
Sheer poetry, as always Lorelle. Sending you and Natasha so much love!
I’m so glad that you loved this post as much as I do. Love you too! ?
Hello Ranyoi,
Thank you for your words. I am so grateful to know you can use this post to create positive changes in your situation to bring happiness and peace to your situation. And it fills my heart to read your words as feeling connected to others is a big part of who I am. I articulate far more in my writing than I do in conversation – your reply is something so special.
It is often in our family of origin that we learn to accept excuses for poor and toxic behaviour – but when we see it for what it truly is, we regain our sanity and self-worth. And you are truly worth so much. And I’m sending you love and appreciation. Thank you for your uplifting message xxx
Lorelle xx
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Hi Lorelle, this post is so powerful yet such a painful pill to swallow. I keep going back and forth between creating some distance with toxic family members and continuing to love and basically be a doormat for them.
I have watched so many self help videos that talk about re-parenting yourself and how to heal from childhood traumas. It’s quite difficult because I feel like I’m in such a raw vulnerable place like 90% of the time. Because family is basically where you’re supposed to be loved and accepted but not in my case. So it’s been quite tough, my relationships with other people have been affected because as you said I feel I need to please everyone, I seek their approval. It’s all too much and I’m ready to break free of this burden. Thank you so much Lorelle????
Hello Denise,
everything I know about your situation will improve beyond belief when you get the opportunity to leave. It is one of the gifts of adulthood – we can choose our own path. I know it’s painful and some days are unbearable for you.
You cannot change other people. You alone cannot repair the toxic dynamic that you are dealing with. But you can love and approve of yourself and who you are. Your goals- they will help propel you forward, you will not always be in this situation.
Self-love is so much more productive than trying to endlessly please a person who can never be happy with who you are, unless they are micromanaging your every decision. You have the guts to have made a plan, you have the insight to see this situation for what it truly is.
The future is taking root in the present – you have planted your goals and that’s where you will thrive – by focusing on them, not unloving people. Don’t worry about what others think – most people are truly only interested in themselves. Don’t go to the well when you know there is no water there.
I absolutely believe in you. I know you are going to be successful, that you make your goals a reality. You are brave, you are so much stronger than you know. If you can accept this person for who they are, it will free you. Life isn’t always fair – and family can be the biggest disappointment. You have learnt from them who you do not want to be. That is the gift. Stay true to yourself.
We can read material that inspires us listen to others and have our story heard many times, but there are still painful days and moments we are scared, angry or full of self-doubt. Be kind to yourself in these moments. And never go back to what broke you.
You will find the right people come into your life when you least expect it. For now, focus on being the person you want to be. Then they will recognise you and you will see them too. Live your truth, Denise. That is the first step to a happy life. You cannot be seen by a person who is blind. You cannot give them that gift – that is their lesson in life to learn.Not yours. I know you will understand exactly what I’m talking about.
It will be ok, Denise. Keep the faith. I’m here for you. So is Natasha. Xxx
Lorelle xx much love xx
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Thank you so much Lorelle. I am beyond thankful for all your posts as well as your words of encouragement, This is a different form of heartbreak I’ve had to endure, but I know I just have to invest and take care of me now. Thank you so very much Lorelle.
I was at the end of my rope. This blog and this post quite literally saved my life.
Dear New Hope,
When you are at the end of your rope, swing as hard as you, and as you gain speed and height, let go.
Let go because that rope is holding you to a situation that isn’t allowing you to be happy.
Instead, focus on exactly what you want, and stay loyal to that list. Distancing ourselves from other people’s selfishness and ever changing agenda’s can seem like the scariest thing to do. But you find relief and peace with that distance, it’s like a cushion, it absorbs so much of the drama.
When you’re at the end of your rope, do not climb back up it. We know what resides there, swing on it, let go, and build on your freedom – the choices you want to make. Get the Tarzan girl moves going, you’re nor a puppet and you aren’t dangling there so someone else can make your life a misery. You’re worth more than that and that’s why you wrote these words. I’m so proud of you for recognising what you don’t want as it will start the next chapter for you…much love. I get it, I really do xxx
Lorelle xxx
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Hi Lorelle.
What a moving and emotional post. I think it was so brave of you to write it and share it with so many. I do not think that is very easy. I had no doubt when reading this you were speaking from your heart. It was very raw and so very powerful.
Your posts are always very inspirational to me and I expected nothing less this time but honestly you should be so proud of yourself for what you captured here.
Thank you again.
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Agreed ????????
Dearest Linda,
You have no idea how much your words have touched my heart. So compassionate and warm. You are correct, it wasn’t easy to write. It is the most vulnerable I have ever been on paper, and I could hug you for seeing that. I have read your words a few times – thank you so very, very much. It means a lot, and although I feel so incredibly exposed through this post, It was written it in the hope that it would empower others and for them to know they are not alone. Thank you for your message. Priceless. Sending you love and a huge hug., I hope you are well and happy. Xxx
Lorelle xx
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This was one of the most important and life changing articles I have ever read. Thank you for sharing your truth. Every day my heart breaks because my sisters don’t talk to me and my Mother cut me off. Thank you. I don’t feel so alone anymore.
Hello Mary,
Thank you to you for reading, and I’m so happy to know you have connected to this post. It’s very hard to be in the position you are in. Very. There is one thing worse than being cut off from your mother. That’s living within her web of toxicity by having to deal with her dysfunction on the daily. It is not the ideal outcome but you now have the freedom to choose a path where you can create a future where you can find love and happiness. We can love our family but know in our hearts they are people we need to shield ourselves from.
We can try our best to love them and never get that back. You are brave, you are riding your white horse through this. Just stand by your truth and live to please yourself, not those toxic family members who treat you badly. There can be so much shame in these situations, but I like to think it’s like being warrior. Surviving battle and riding on to a new place. Wiser. Stronger. Having a plan to stay safe and survive. Finding a new map to follow in life.
I’m just sorry I cannot speak to you in person, but know my thoughts are with you. It is not your job to fix others – it is your responsibility to take care of yourself so you can connect with others in healthy ways.
I hear you. I see you. You’re living your own Phoenix rising story. And it is a story worth living. Love to you, Mary xx
Keep going. Xx
Lorelle xx
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Hi Natasha and Lorelle
I found this blog when I had just come out of a relationship with a man and felt absolutely broken, barely able to function, totally paralysed in disbelief at what had happened, searching for answers. I learned through reading the articles that I had clearly been involved with someone who was very narcissistic/emotionally unavailable and that I had been part of a repeating pattern of toxicity. Initially, I focused very strongly on understanding these behaviours and validating how awful they’d made me feel….I read and re-read post after post, feeling as if the words written were my thoughts and feelings. They really were the only things which made me feel any better, knowing I wasn’t alone. Often crying and often laughing out loud.
Slowly, as I began to recover, I started to understand my role in the relationship I had been in. I looked back at previous relationships and realised that I had attracted the same person, again and again; had accepted the same behaviour time and again. In discovering these things about myself, I also realised how my own childhood relationships had programmed me into thinking it was normal to accept toxic behaviour, to continually seek love and acceptance where it will never be given. And that these toxic family members were continuing to affect my self esteem and sense of worth. So, I cut contact with them almost a year ago.
It isn’t an easy thing to do but, for me, it was absolutely necessary in order to rebuild any sense of self worth.
Thank you both for, quite literally, saving my life and continuing to light the way down what can be a really lonely path. Whenever I am feeling low, I always come to the blog to find the resources I need and always feel calmer for doing so.
And thanks for the article, Lorelle. Beautifully written as always.
Hello Claire,
I am certain Natasha will reply to this, but I wanted to say to you what an amazing job you have done in your life! Childhood experiences teach us so much, for better or worse. You have done the work to see how unempowering many of those things were for you. To walk away – that is a true badass move. It isn’t without its complications, many people would not know this. It is definitely a road less travelled, but it gives us the real chance to grow and live a life that isn’t about surviving, but thriving. It is still a hard decision to make though.
You are in the right place here, and I am full of admiration for you and your incredible strength. What an incredible story, and look at how you own it.
Thank you for your words, and for sharing. Gutsy and strong woman you are.
I really am thinking of you, and if you don’t know already, you are courageous and a true phoenix! So much love to you…stay on your path. Never accept abuse as a way of life. Biggest hugs xxx Love Lorelle xx xx
Claire, your message has brought me to tears ?? Thank you for surviving, for not giving up, and for affirming that I am not alone in so many things you touched on, that I was convinced I was alone in for most of my life. Thank you for existing. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. It’s inspiring to see the connections you’re made and the odds you’ve slayed. I love you. With all my heart. Thanks for giving us all the gift that is YOU ?? Glad that you love Lorelle and this incredible post as much as I do ?
What an beautiful and brave post ? Thank you for sharing and for helping someone you don’t know, more than you know. Love from Japan. Xx
Dear Cindy,
Japan! That is one place I haven’t been, but it is beautiful to know you have read this post there, and I’m grateful to know it helped you in some way. I sometimes feel there is not enough love in the world. There is nothing worse than feeling alone and unlovable. That you are unseen and not understood. If you found some love and solace in this post then I’m the one to say thank you. Please come back to PMS, this is a tribe full of positivity and love. I’m so happy you are here.
And thank you for your kind words. We are all brave in different ways. Love and blessings to you (from Australia) xx
Lorelle xx
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There is so much shame I have associated with this. So much so, I wanted to voluntarily check myself into hospital this week. I read this and feel like someone has put into words what I cannot. What heartbreaks me the most is everything you Lorelle have had to survive to be able to write this. Please know that we are your family here. This is a family. You have become my family without even knowing me. I’m sorry for my English. It is not my first language. Thank you for saving me more than I can tell you. Thank you Natasha for creating this community of family. I want to live now.
Dear PJ,
Your English is great, I understand everything you write easily. I really wish I was fluent in a second language, you are clever!
I am very moved reading your comment. I know how low you can feel in these situations and it is very hard to talk about. To divulge in any way. Which is where the shame part comes in. And it can rule your world, if you let it. It is isolating and a heavy secret to hold.
In my darkest moments, I would get angry and I was determined never to be a victim. To never let them win. It was like fuel, to keep going, to not give in, to remind me one day I would not be living this way. With these people. One day, I would have choices and I would choose very different things.
Leaving, being free, cutting people off, whatever we go through, it still leaves an imprint. We overthink, we feel changed by events and sometimes we have to mourn for the life we would have loved to have had in that time.
I am so glad you are able to connect to this message. I can feel how sad you are. You are fragile right now, take the very best care of yourself. I wish I could do something nice for you in real. You are right, we are family here. A big quilt of hearts, sewn together, many stories, many countries and much love. I am grateful for your words. I know you understand. You are a survivor. Your spirit will not break. You are loved…know that.
Sending you love and the biggest hug, xxx Stay strong.
Lorelle xxx
PS I cannot put emoticons on this post as I am replying on a PC. I am sorry, I would send hearts, flowers, and a dove to you. xx Peace for your heart xx
Thank you for this incredibly beautiful, raw, honest, practical, and inspiring post. I sincerely resonated with your words and am grateful for how you continue to share this validating, supportive, and healing writing. Much love to you!
Dear Irena,
That means so much, especially since you write on the blog as well. It is never something I take for granted, that people will understand my message, and this post was incredibly raw to write. I know you wrote these words with honesty, and thank you for your beautiful, heartfelt comment.
It means a lot, I have felt like a tiny boat on an ocean, since this post hit the internet. I am not sure why, but, I am always happy to identify with my feelings, even if they make me uncomfortable. I guess we cannot meet anyone else, until we have met ourselves-much love back to you xxxx Lorelle xx
It takes a lot of strength to comment on a post like this. I think it’s because by doing so, we are accepting that the people who are supposed to make us feel like we are never alone, make us feel more alone than “lonely” could ever begin to describe.
Dear Anonymous,
you are so right. It does take a lot of strength. And I also agree, it is a very lonely position in life. It feels like being denied your story. The story you hoped to tell about your life.
I also believe though, that when we see these people for who they really are, and we accept they will not be different, that is when we turn a corner in our own life. It is still a lonely transition, but I felt like it was a clean slate. Most of all, I felt like I was letting them know I wasn’t going to accept being treated without love and concern for my wellbeing.
I think I have learnt our biggest story comes out of how we treat ourselves. In the face of abuse of any kind, it can take years to learn to love ourselves properly. We can really struggle with that.
I want you to know I understand. I know that lonely place. I will tell you I felt solace in many ways to walk away. The drama stopped. The words, the things done, they all stopped.
It is a chance to find people who will love and connect with you. But it is hard and not an easy place to be sometimes, because we mourn for what we thought we had.
If you write back here, I will reply. I am sorry for the delay. I will look for you here. You are not alone. Over time, you will see that.
Biggest hug to you. I want you to know you are still seen and heard. That was the thing I struggled with them most.
Thank you for writing. You are a phoenix rising. The view is pretty amazing when you are up there.
Keep coming back here. I will look for you. xxx Lorelle xxx
You are an angel on earth <3 Thank you for this. Love you. xx
This made me tear up. You are not alone. Read Lorelle’s reply and just know that you have family here. xo
Love this, I need this. I know there’s already a post about daddy issues, can you also do a post about mommy issues? For me it’s the other way around, my dad is fine and my mother is toxic and hurtful, it’s been a lifelong difficult relationship. I have a hard time finding advice for mommy issues and this blog is honestly the only thing I know would get it right! Girl, I cannot live without this blog!!
What a great recommendation ? I will definitely write about this soon. Thanks for being a part of this tribe ?? I’m so happy and honored to help. Xo
I am 17, and late to even comment on this post but i wanna get this off my chest, My family has always been in poverty, and toxic. My mother is mentally ill, ignorant, plays victim too often and can’t communicate in the way she should And I’ve always been abused, physically in the past and mentally to this day, with religious guilt. It sucks because this life and toxic cycle is ALL i’ve known and it’s so exhausting and frustrating. My stepdad always needs to have the right hand, he’s the only one who works so he’s selfish too… it even runs with my siblings, my brother being spiteful and snobby and snobby and my younger sister not being to think for herself. And again for my mom, it makes me so sad because i don’t have that love i should have, and i never had a really supportive father figure… I’m my mom’s ONLY emotional support, but it’s never how i feel. A bunch of kids, never enough money and all problematic and chaotic and .. poisonous. My stepdad is religiously stern, and my mother must be submissive. Like, it’s so much and even with therapy it’s difficult cause i’m always paranoid and anxious and sad. But this post has given me hope, yeah i’m still dealing with the environment but planning for the future for myself keeps me going. Thank you sm 🙂
Kayla,
What an inspiration you are. You are not alone sister.
So happy that you loved and enjoyed this post as much as I did/do. It’s fantastic. All my love to you. You got this; keep going!
Dear Kayla,
wow, what a lot you are living with. And 17!!! I was your age when I was planning my escape too. It is incredibly frustrating living with dysfunctional, unloving people who cannot support you. They cannot really love and support themselves.
However, I want to point out to you, your increasing frustration and ability to define the issues you are dealing with, will absolutely give you the drive, determination and the plan to get out of this situation successfully!!
It will happen…it will.
Remember that what other people say and do, is about THEM. What you say and do, is about YOU.
Never confuse the two.
Right now, you are able to clearly define many things you live with that are not working for your parental figures. Amazing you are at 17 to be able to describe and list these things! It also means you won’t do these things, but to help you, write out a list of the way you want your life to be, and the kinds of things you want in it.
Write down everything, and also the qualities you want to have and see in others.
Find and read articles that support you and give you a feeling of being understood and not alone. Make sure you keep all of this private so no one can find it and ask you what it is all about. You are entitled to have your own views and feelings but in a household like yours, it is often hard to express them as controlling behaviours at home do not allow it.
You are so strong and insightful, two amazing gifts that will always be at your side. It is also great you are going to therapy, as it is a place you can share your voice and be heard.
The sadness is heavy to carry I know. Just acknowledge your feelings as they come and accept them. They are valid and real. You might not be supported by family but support yourself by being authentic. For, Anxiety, try meditation and make sure you are getting enough sleep.
Watch your internal dialogue too. Choose words that are positive, soft and kind towards yourself. Because as you know, you will not hear them at home amidst the chaotic dysfunction.
When family cannot love you, love yourself. You will find a way out of this, I know it. You may live amongst it for now, but it will not continue to define you or your life.
Continue to trust yourself and follow your instincts. You are doing an incredible job of navigating a very difficult situation. I hope you read this reply, and I know one day Kayla, things will be very different for you.
Stay in your lane. Don’t look back. Keep focusing on your goals. You are so special, know this. Keep doing what you are doing. Bless!
Much love to you, I know you can do this!
xx Lorelle
What a beautiful reply. It could be a blog post in an of itself! From the bottom of my heart, thank you Lorelle.
I love and appreciate you so very much. xox
Thank you for being so honest and giving light to those who need this! This article helped me so much and I will reread it often.
After being in a broken and dysfunctional family growing up… it’s been transformed into adulthood with a long and hard journey of belittling, name calling and popularity contests.
You have helped me reassure myself that even though my mother has never accepted me, I can accept me. And I can continue on without those who make me feel like I have no worth.
Thank you for writing this and for letting me know that I’m not alone.
Dear Maggie,
I don’t know if you will read this, but I read your comment just now. The reason you have had the long journey of belittling, name calling and popularity contests, is because these are mirrors of the behaviors you grew up with and the feelings you felt because of them.
I have had my struggles in life, too, as an adult. Because we have to re-learn it all, on our feet, instead of leaving home feeling loved and full of self-worth, we leave emotionally damaged. Rejected. These are the things we are used to, and so we often find ourselves in repeat mode, going through the same dynamic again and again.
But you are strong and you are wise. You wrote “I can continue on without those who make me feel like I have no worth”. Yes you can. And as long as you stay tied to your self-worth, you will continue to grow.
I will give you another little tip too: When you feel uncomfortable standing up for yourself, or expressing how you feel. stay with it. It means you are using your voice. Some people will not like that. But stay with it.
It is a very sad and hurtful thing to be unaccepted and unloved by family. Even worse, it isn’t really something you can talk about with most people as it makes them uncomfortable. However, read things that support you and you will realise you have many others who have walked the same path as you.
Another tip: when you meet new people who you like, don’t try too hard.
Believe me when I say, you only need to be you. You are enough. Some people will leave and some people will stay in your journey but that is normal and it is ok. Let other’s show you who they are and how they value you. You do not have to work for love and affection anymore.
Fill your life with things that make you happy. Go to places that you like. ONLY spend time with people who make you feel good. Don’t ever ignore your gut if it tells you something is off and never apologize for how you feel about people or situations. We learn to tolerate and accept WAY TOO MUCH dysfunction growing up in abusive homes. Listen to your gut and follow your intuition. TRUST yourself. Hard to do when you grow up unable to trust others, but you can trust yourself.
Because of how we grow up, we need strategies to deal with life as adults. These little tips here will help you. Another one that helps is do something nice for yourself everyday. Something little, like buying yourself flowers, or a latte on the way to work. Or wearing an outfit you love, exercising or watching your favourite shows cuddled up.
The more self-love you show yourself, the more comfy you will be in your own skin, and you will not settle for things that make you feel bad about yourself. Especially from other people. Don’t accept crappy behaviour off others. Rudeness, letting you down, not being there for you, only wanting you for favours and never putting any real effort in.
When you start to get strong at this, you will amaze yourself with who falls out of your life, and the new kinds of people you will attract. But you truly deserve the best and you can have all of it! Never accept crumbs off people.
I really hope you read this. I have no way of contacting you but if you do read this, it comes wrapped up in a ton of love and understanding from me to you.
You got this. xxx
Lorelle xxx
Lorelle this article has me in freaking tears as I write this- thank you for writing an honest, vulnerable and raw article.
It’s so hard to find relatable content because trauma isn’t one size fits all, it’s hard to connect with friends, especially family when the toxic person is a family member I’m the only person living with (my grandmother). Nobody understands what I’m going through and I know her toxic traits are not all in my head. She’s been treating me like an inferior slimeball since I was little.
I appreciate how your article also goes into how to deal with cutting them off. Its annoying that most people/articles/videos tell you to try to understand “hurt people hurt people”, which I get- but what can I do about it from an emotional point of view when talking to them isn’t an option (language barrier but she also has zero plans on changing herself for the better), you’ve really helped shed light on how to emotionally transcend and heal (for those of us who can’t afford to simply move out).
I don’t want to be like her and play victim to evoke sympathy and spot light I seriously want to heal / break this cycle
I could not agree with you more Lae. Lorelle did such a fantastic job shedding light on a topic that, as you say, is not a one size fits all. I will let Lorelle answer but just wanted to say that I am so happy you love this post as much as I do. This post has helped and continues to help me; I go back to it often.
Thank you for being you and for being a part of this tribe.
Dear Lae,
I have read your words a few times. I totally understand what you mean about not wanting to be like toxic people that you have to deal with on the daily. I am really happy you found some strategies in this to help you cut off from the ones who degrade, devalue and hurt you.
Pain is not a universal language in so many ways. Although we all know what it is, pain carries a different weight in different circumstances. The most difficult part about family dysfunction is that you have to un-learn it to become free of it. To heal and grow. Having said that, you are well on the path of healing if you can identify the behaviours you do not wish to replicate.
I remember being very aware of this when I was young! I remember thinking as soon as I could be out in the world on my own, things would magically fall into place. But as you know, it doesn’t quite work that way.
I learnt to keep my distance while still at home, and because I knew the triggers that would upset those around me, I was good at walking on eggshells. However, I learnt to navigate my way so I suffered less. I had less interactions and kept the ones I had to have to a minimum. I used school as an excuse a lot. I spent a lot of time alone, as it was easier than trying to interact.
Your words ‘inferior slimeball’ – is that what she calls you or is that how she makes you feel?
For me, I used to say I felt like a colourless, worthless loser. I ask you this, because it can be hard to shed these words and definitions when we go out on our own. We can walk away feeling defined by them, almost believing these words.
But I will tell you what to replace those horrible words with!
You are strong.
You are full of love.
You have great value and resilience.
You are insightful and compassionate. You can see others for who they are, and not let that define you.
You are not molded by those around you, because you broke that mold and became your unique and loving self.
I always feel sad that when I might comment here personally the reader may not see it, so I truly hope you come by here and read this. These words are written just for you, Lae, and I know you will be successful in life because despite everything you live with, you can see it for what it is.
There are people who can never achieve this skill in an entire lifetime!!! They are bound by their shortcomings and create toxicity all around them as it becomes like a Midas touch – affects their whole environment.
And then there are people like you, who amongst all of it, can grow and blossom and attach themselves to better things. A little sprout in the dark that continues to find the light and reach up for it.
That is why you are already free. You are not bound by your current circumstances. And reading your words, I can see your worth so forget the ‘inferior slimeball’ definition. That is really about how she feels about herself, shadowed on to you.
I send these words to you and I hope you read them. Be kind to yourself. Show yourself the love and respect you deserve and you will continue to find it. Sending a big hug and so much love xx
Lorelle xx
Lorelle,
Thank you for you. You are a gift to me and so many.
I love this (and you). Could not agree more.
Hi both
This post was beautiful
I’ve been dealing with a manipulative and controlling father for years,
I recently decided that I had to get out of the situation, so I moved away, but together him and the father of my children decided it would be best that they stayed their with their father, so they could continue going to the private school they currently attend.
I feel powerless in this decision, I’ve gone from being the sole cared of my boys, to seeing them every other weekend.
My father tells me that taking them away from him would break his heart, that family is the most important thing for them and they will be messed up if I take them away from him.
He has them FaceTime me and guilt trips me to get me to come back.
He constantly tells me how much he is hurting at the physical distance between us and I feel guilty for leaving.
He is always thinking of ways to get me to come back and refuses to see that the kids need to be with me. And I feel powerless, he convinced me it was best for them, even though I knew it wasn’t. And now I’m in this situation, without them, driving 6 hours a week at his beck and call, because he expertly guilt trips me into doing whatever he wants.
I feel like even moving away and putting distance between us has not solved anything, infact it’s made the situation worse.
I am so lost and hurt by all of this, but your post shines light on the fact that I am not alone, and I can deal with this and set boundaries
I don’t know what I am going to do but I want to thank you for the advice
Xxx
Hi Angharad,
I read your words carefully, and I personally understand the need to get away from a parental figure who does not support you. So, I can relate to your feelings of anguish and pain. Firstly, remember WHY you moved away. To get some distance. To have the space to heal and rebuild yourself. Your children will always need you, and if you are the best and happiest version of yourself, you will have more to give them. Think of quality time instead of quantity at the moment.
The real issues here it seems, is that you are being manipulated by the guilt trips. So, you left your children for educational reasons, but really you want them with you. Also, that decision was made for you by the manipulations of your father and the children’s father.
The hardest part for you is learning to say no. Say no to being at your father’s beck and call. When he face times you, let him know you hear his words but create some space for yourself by saying ” I will be back to see the children on this date but not before”. He wants to control you. The distance factor ignites this in him even more. That is why he is making demands of you.
Do you get along well with the father of your children? What do your children say or feel about you living away? Is it possible to re-think this decision and come up with a different plan? Is it possible that they come live with you?
I hear your pain and frustration, but I think you need to have some conversations with the children’s father about where you will move forward with this situation.
Since the distance factor isn’t helping, would relocating back be a better option? Then you will have your children, schooling isn’t affected and you can temporarily appease your father.
However, and this is the BIG caveat here, whether far or near, you need to learn to put some boundaries in place. You need to learn to say no.
I used to be a huge people pleaser. Spent years not even knowing what I liked or wanted. But I could go into detail about what everyone else wanted!! It was all I thought about, as I felt it kept the peace and I was safe if everyone else was happy.
I am not pulled by guilt anymore. I am like a brick wall if anyone tries that. I say things like ” I am sorry you feel that way but I am not able to help/fix/change this.
When people are trying to guilt trip you, they are trying to manipulate you to do what they want. So, practice not giving them what they want. Does it suit you too? Is it too hard/costly/inconvenient? Are you unavailable? These are all possible reasons why you cannot do someone’s bidding. If they don’t like it, tough.
You need to start putting in little boundaries. And sticking to them. Boundaries are for you, based on decisions that work best for you. You do not owe anyone a free ride every time they want one. So, you can practice this new skill while you are away, and perhaps when you are stronger at it, move back and reconnect with your children. OR perhaps they can come to you.
Have this conversation with their father NOT YOUR father.
Telling your father no will not be easy. He will not die if you say no. He might make out he is taking his last breath in response to you saying it but relax, he will survive. Start with a simple no. “No, I will not be able to return on that date to do x for you. I have work commitments”. Make a statement. Make it clear. When he carries on ( and he will) say ” I will see you soon enough, now you have something to look forward to”. Do not buy into the emotional turmoil and dribble. Listen but do not react. Respond. You do not owe him an explanation.
Do not buy into anything he says. Because as long as you do, he will keep playing ball with you. Stop tolerating and rewarding his demands. If you don’t like the situation, he will not change so YOU need to. Sulking, anger, yelling, being rude, accusing you of things, placing doubt on things you said, ridiculing you and discussing you with others are all tactic he may try. It is all to try and gain power and make you feel bad.
Well, let him wallow. Be strong. Get some fire in your belly and take a stand. It will be hard the first few times but you can learn this skill. Stop caring about what he wants and feels. Start caring about what you want and feel. This will make the biggest difference. Shift your focus. Keep it razor sharp.
Thank you for reading my post and I am glad it makes you feel better. There is always a way. There really is.
There is no need to rush your decisions, but you can start by telling your father no. He doesn’t own you. Remember that.
Look after yourself. Make a list of things you want to have happen in your life. Focus on those. Fill your heart with people and things that make you feel loved and happy.
Finally, I have often tried to love people who I wanted to love me. But save your love for the people who love you back. The ones you can rely on. Who are there for you when you are low, who always make time for you and are never too busy. Who don’t only contact you when it benefits them but because you are important to them. The people who love your company and treat you with respect. The people who want you to be happy. I bet that is not your father.
You know what to do. Your heart does. It truly does. Start valuing yourself and watch what happens. xx
Much love to you. xx You got this one! You totally have. xx
What a beautiful reply and what a beautiful heart you have Lorelle.
Thank you for this and thank you for helping so many through your incredible posts every day. xox
Tomorrow will be my first birthday in my own place with my boyfriend. I had to leave home last August– I was driven away after withstanding a tremendous amount of emotional pain from my mom and my siblings, who enabled her manipulations out of fear of being dejected like me. I can’t separate the good from the bad and my heart aches as I remember moments from my birthday last year. Simultaneously, I can’t shake off the insecurities my mom planted in my head. She intentionally used a combination of love and fear to keep my siblings and I at home, to ensure we would never want to leave her side, even as she controlled every aspect of our lives. I see the good, the bad, and yet I still feel like a part of me — my culture, my life, my family I guess — is missing, and I’m not sure what to do.
It’s been awhile since this is has been posted.
I needed to read this. I literally just cried for the last 2 hours and decided to just google “dealing with a spouses toxic family*
Everything kind of just alludes to …”that’s family … you have to deal”
I love how you have affirmed feelings and that we deserved to feel loved. My hubby’s family is so cruel with one another and expects everyone to just pretend like nothing happened after a big argument / fight, that happen frequently.
My hubby was taught to be “strong” not share feelings and when he does is called awful names by his father and is made fun of for showing a “softer side” …the rest of the family won’t say a word and act like it’s normal (cause I guess for them is it 🙁
It’s so heartbreaking and tonight I let it out and told his family off about how much they are breaking their sons / brothers heart. I got emotional and told them how they have hurt our feelings. And they just denied everything and basically made me feel like I’m crazy and that it’s me who’s over analyzing / over reacting.
I’m still a little lost on helping my spouse cause he so desperately seeks to have his families love. I just hope I can find the strength and balance of doing the right things to support my hubby and also setting the necessary boundaries to keep my sanity and this relationship safe and full of love.
Hi Lucy,
From reading your comment, I can tell you are strong. You have been dealing with these family members for some time, and supporting your husband through it.
My best words to you, are that until something changes, nothing will change.
Family can seem so very important and ultimately, it should be. But for some people, family is difficult, unsupportive and unloving. So then, you need a different game plan.
Most people cannot just walk away, cutting all contact. Instead, we have to change the way we interact with them.
I think if you can show your husband that he doesn’t deserve this treatment, and help give him suggestions of how to create some boundaries and space – that will help.
Maybe sit down with him and talk about little things you can do to make contact easier. For example, is it easier to visit them or do you feel better if they visit you on your turf?
Is it better with other family members there, or less stressful if it is just you and your husband? Choose the option that is best as often as you can.
Maybe talk about things I wrote about that connected to you most with him also. It might help him see he is not alone and that difficult family are a problem for many. Not feeling alone can sometimes make a problem seem less intense.
Make a list with your husband of things you can accept and things you don’t want to experience with family anymore. Try and come up with some little changes to help create a solution.
I admire your resilience and the love you have for your husband – and also the fact you can express yourself and your feelings. This is a great place to start and you are not giving your power away when you come from such a strong place. Instead, you’re standing in it!!!
I’m so happy you came across this post and that it has given you some comfort. I have no doubt your husband appreciates your support and if you work together on this you can come up with a plan.
We cannot change others, but we can change the way we interact with them. That’s our power. It can be challenging to do this, but it feels amazing to stand up for ourselves and you’ll be happier for it.
I don’t know your exact circumstances but I hope you get to read this and that it helps in some way.
Big hugs to you, Lucy xx stay strong. Stay true to yourself xx 😘 sending love to you x Lorelle
Hi Natasha and Lorelle,
Yet again I find myself reading and re-reading this blog. I have previously commented because you helped me through one of the hardest times of my life. However, I find myself back in a similar toxic situation but with different people; family members.
What do you do when you need something from toxic family members like childcare? What do you do when, in order to survive your past, you learnt how to be just as toxic? What do you do when you have no boundaries and have no idea where to start?
Thank you for writing this blog. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone.
Becky
Hi Becky,
I’ll answer these questions in point form, to address each one.
* Sometimes even though we recognise toxic family and the issues they cause us, we still need to deal with them and at times, they still play an important role in our lives. Child care is a big deal- I’m assuming you need it so you can work.
If the family providing it are good with the children but you struggle with dealing with them, work it so the situation is as painless for you as it needs to be. Be kind, let them know you’re grateful and keep the transaction as quick and benign as you can.
Keep conversations at a surface level, and keep the focus on your children. Think of it this way: imagine you’re dealing the work colleagues. Keep it polite, friendly but surface level. Keep it focused on the task at hand (dropping or picking up). Be genuine – and stay calm. Don’t react to anything said, take nothing personally.
Your mindset can really make this situation easier. Practice makes perfect too.
* Regarding recognising toxicity in yourself – well some very good news here. If you can see it, then you aren’t as affected by it as you think. It’s when we have no idea that we are in deep water.
My advice is to write down the traits you’re aware of in yourself that you are concerned about or don’t like.
Write them down, and then underneath each one, write the healthy behaviour that you want to replace it with.
Focus on those new behaviours. Keep practicing them.
They will make you feel good and they will give you a sense of empowerment. New habits will bring change.
Believe in yourself to make and honor these changes.
If you mess up – get right back on track and don’t look back.
This is how you’ll create healthy patterns that will break the cycle of what you’re used to.
* Lastly, boundaries. This is a big one. It’s life changing and the two answers above will help you implement them. Your Boundaries are there – but you aren’t connecting to them and enforcing them.
So, write down a list of things you no longer want to accept in your life. It might be ‘I don’t want to be sworn at when I share my opinion’
Underneath, write down what you could change or say that is different to your usual response. For example, instead of going quiet, I will say ‘don’t speak to me like that. If we can’t share ideas in this conversation then I’ll leave’.
Then leave if you say this! Or if that’s too much, end the conversation and say ‘I’m not willing to talk if we are yelling at each other’ – or whatever fits the situation.
The important thing with boundaries, is your gut will tell you when they are being stomped on.
Act on that feeling straight away!
It’s hard at first to start doing this, but you can do it!!
Begin slowly, such as limiting time spent with unloving people or no longer trying to be nice to someone who is disrespectful towards you. Instead of being nice – just maintain your dignity and space and be polite. Stop trying to please others. Don’t try hard.
You’ll begin to get comfy with this new way of thinking and it will get easier.
People may not like the new you but stay true to yourself. As long as you respect them as well as yourself – proceed. It’s hard because people don’t like change and this creates it.
Be kind to yourself as well as others.
I hope this helps, Becky. Keep the faith and be strong. You got this! Big hug xx sending this with lots of love x
Ps: if there are typos I’ve typed this with one finger on my iPhone. Lol
Wow! And typed with ONE FINGER!
Thank you so much, my dear sister, Lorelle. This is one of my favorite posts on this blog. I could not have responded any better. Truly. Thank you for shining your light here and for being such an important part of this community. Love you xox
Thank you so much. Your words, advice and suggestions are all on target. I’m an only child, in my 50’s dealing with a father who grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family. My mother and others are well aware how toxic, manipulative and more he is. I realize even in my father’s old age will not stop playing games and hates my health relationship with my mother and I. I needed to read this information and continue to make decisions that will help ME. Even if it’s uncomfortable for my mother. It would be best for her for me to ignore it but I’m not willing to play these games anymore. Live is short, I deserve to live my life the way I want too. Not the way others want me too. This is only because it will make situations uncomfortable for them.
Many thanks 🙏🏾
Hello Sheila,
Yes you’re right; life is way too short to waste it trying to placate toxic people who are unloving.
You sound so determined and strong in your decision.
Patterns become very ingrained within families, so recognising them and deciding to change those patterns is an incredibly strong and powerful thing to do.
It is good to stand up for ourselves and when we have had enough – we know it.
I also understand how alone it can make you feel, especially when you feel like you are not supported by others. That is why I reply to comments – to connect and make sure you feel seen and heard.
I don’t know you but I’m proud of you for taking this pathway. I really hope you’re proud of yourself too.
Follow your heart on this one and I’m so glad this article helped light your way just a little.
Day by day – little by little, change will happen.
I’m sending this to you with an ocean of love, Sheila.
Look at you – Self-love in action, boundaries strong.
Phoenix rising! Xxxx 🌱💫❤️
Thank you for making me feel so seen, heard, capable, loved and special – as your sister, chosen family, and friend. I love and appreciate you, Lorelle! xox
I am looking for advice. My husband has a brother who went thru some depression and mental health issues. We had to eventually block him from our lives and cut contact. He had started sending awful messages to family members telling them to kill themselves and just horrible things. At the time my son who was 4 had been diagnosed with autism. We had really struggled to get him to talk. But he did start talking at 3 but his uncle had not been around to know this. My son had actually made huge strides at school and was doing great. My husband had blocked his brother so he decided to send me a message and asked “How is my stupid f$@king nephew doing?” I did not reply and blocked him immediately. My husband reached out to him because this had crossed a line. He continued to say terrible things about my son to hurt us. It has been a little over a year since this happened. He has now decided he wants to be part of our lives again. He has apologized to my husband but not anymore than just sorry I said those things. As far as I know he hasn’t seen a doctor, done any type of therapy, or taking any kind of medicine. No one knows where all this anger came from and it was never addressed. Obviously as a mother I am still hurt and angry about what he said. Do you have any advice on how to move forward? And how to know if he is stable to be around?
This is really helpful and I’m glad I read everything.
So happy it’s helped! Thanks, Anthony!
Thank you for your post. I have a sister that is very verbally abusive to me. My dad was the same way to me growing up. My sister is my only family besides my mom living near me so I try to make it work but it is tough. I try to remember that I am a worthy person even though she says awful things. The next minute she is fine and being polite. It is awful. But she is my family and I don’t want to cut off contact. I have to accept she will never be there for me as a friend or someone I can just go to. My dad was the same way. He was extremely selfish and unavailable to us growing up. The cycle just repeats itself.
You are not alone, Sharon. We are chosen family.
This is one of my favorite posts; I’m so happy that it helped. All my love to you. Xox