I’ve always defined a toxic person as anyone who gets validation by exploiting your hunger for theirs. And I stand by that in regard to toxic parents. But I feel like it’s much more difficult to acknowledge (and in some cases, even begin to recognize) the toxicity of our own parents than it is a toxic romantic relationship, a toxic ex, or a toxic friend.
Whenever I’ve wondered if one (or both) of my parents is toxic, I immediately feel guilty and ashamed; almost like I just committed a crime. We enter this world literally looking up to our parents and unconditionally loving them – no matter what they do or don’t do. When we are children, our parents are all we have to trust and count on for survival.
What does it mean to have toxic parents? How do you deal with toxic parents?
First and foremost, I’m not into parent-bashing or parent-blaming. No one had the perfect parents, no one will be the perfect parents, and our parents did the absolute best they could given their circumstances (that we may never know the full story of). What I am into, is advocating for compassionate curiosity when it comes to our programming.
Having a toxic parent means many things. The common denominator of parental toxicity is, in my opinion, being on the receiving end of behavior from a parent (or both parents) that consistently makes you:
- Question your worth.
- Feel obligated to ignore your feelings (and in some cases, mental health) because you “owe it to” your parent(s).
- Feel guilty.
- Feel scared of losing them/their love.
Dealing with toxic parents requires that you first, determine (and eventually, accept) that your parent(s) are toxic. And second, that you start healing yourself instead of expecting your parents (and romantic partners or friends that remind you of them) to heal you.
Here are 25 signs of parental toxicity
- They put conditions around love that should have been given to you unconditionally as a child.
- They are hyper-critical of you and have unreasonable expectations.
- They enmeshed you. You were their parent at times, their makeshift emotional spouse and confidant at other times, and every time, there is a total disregard for your boundaries.
- Toxic parents did not teach nor empower and encourage you to have healthy boundaries.
- They are competitive with you and very self-absorbed.
- They are always starting arguments and “debates” with you.
- Nothing is ever good enough.
- They are emotionally, verbally, and/or physically abusive.
- Toxic parents confuse love for you with control over you.
- They are self-absorbed. If they ever seem proud of you or encourage you, it’s generally to elevate their own image.
- They put their egoic needs over your emotional ones.
- They are emotionally unavailable and empathetically bankrupt at best, narcissistic (and some cases, sociopathic) at worst.
- They made you feel like you were a mistake when all you did was make a mistake.
- They put you in charge of their emotional weather. It was your responsibility to “make them proud” and “make them happy.”
- One way they controlled you was by making you feel guilty.
- You were more concerned with impressing them than doing what makes you happy.
- They are better when you’re down and out. When you’re happy and things are going great for you, they take away from it by having some unforeseen emergency or ruining your joy with their criticisms and negativity. Toxic parents are very good at being almost antagonistically positive when you’re going through tough times and being negative when you are genuinely positive.
- They humiliate you in front of others.
- With toxic parents, reactivity is at an all-time high. They never get on their white horse. Everything elicits an almost theatrical reaction from them. They do this to get attention, make their position known, and their voice heard. They are also, very passive-aggressive.
- They suck the energy out of every event, holiday, milestone, announcement, and situation. Everything always winds up being all about them.
- They have an inability to introspect; they aren’t self-aware at all.
- You have a codependent relationship with them.
- They’ve betrayed your trust but expect that you unconditionally trust them.
- They’ve made you keep their secrets.
- They triangulated you. You always felt like to had to “work” for their love, and attention. They also made you believe that their validation was your emotional oxygen. They treat your friends (or even people who have hurt and betrayed you) better than they treat you.
Wow. When I re-read this list I wrote, I’m ashamed to admit that I have been a lot of those numbers in my past. Throughout the years of writing this blog, I have been very open about how much of a liar I was and how selfish and toxic I used to be. I’m not ashamed of it and am still a work in progress, as we all are. I would be much more ashamed if I pissed away the chances I had to evolve. I would be very ashamed if I continued to stay in the avoidance, delusion, and denial required to devolve.
The one way you can heal from toxic parents
Forgive them. Forgiveness is adjusting your boundaries in light of accepting who someone has proven themselves to be. Once you forgive, you can start to implement healthy boundaries.
Hone in on exactly what you needed from them and didn’t have. Accept that they will never be able to give you these things and strive to become everything that they are not.
Toxic parents have emotional quadriplegism. And just because you may see them emotionally walk with someone else, that doesn’t mean that they’re walking. It means that they need to (heavily) rely and lean on that person to do so. (**I mean absolutely no disrespect to persons with physical disabilities; I trust that you know where my heart is with this example but never want to unintentionally hurt or offend anyone).
When you do this, you’ll stop worrying about repeating the cycle; about being a toxic friend to your friends, a toxic partner in your romantic relationship, and even a toxic parent if you already have or want kids.
You’ll stop worrying because you’ll realize the fact that you’re even worried about it means you have more self-awareness and integrity than the toxic types ever will. Be grateful for that.
It will set you free.
x Natasha
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.
Beautifully written, Natasha. You helped me see this years ago and I can’t thank you enough for helping throughout my entire journey of healing. You have saved me like you have so many of us. Love you!
Sahar!
I love you so much. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being a sister to me. I appreciate you more than I can put into words. You saved me too. Whenever I’ve doubted myself, your belief in me got me to keep moving forward.
Love you, soul sister. xix
Hello Natasha.
This was very enlightening for me because I have people who fit some of these descriptions in my family.
It’s sad but I truly believe 100% what you state about parents doing the best they can with what they have. We are products if our environment so I think if someone is raises by toxic parents they will carry some of that to their children. Not by choice but just because they cannot help it, I was very fortunate to have loving parents but still there were some things that could have been improved.
It’s hard to say that but we can all relate I’m sure. It can explain what so many people have issues in their romantic relationships or even friendships.
Thank you for this. As usual you share information that helps and not hurts people. You approach subjects like this with such class and compassion. I love you sister and I hope you are well,
Linda
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Your beautiful comment made me tear up. I always try to be kind in my honesty – never brutal. And I just want to give everything that I wish I would have had. Thank you for being my family and for always being such a light in my life.
I love you, Linda. We truly are kindred spirits. xox
What a thoughtful and balanced perspective you offer here Natasha. I recognize many things in this list in my own upbringing. One other item I thought of is – toxic parents never apologize. And in doing that, they reinforce an unrealistic standard of perfectionism in their kids.
Your post also underscored for me how challenging it is to be a parent. I read a book the other day that divided up the way humans relate to others into three ego-states: parent, child and adult. The challenge we all face is that when we’re kids, we need someone to be a role model and tell us how to do things because we have no experience. We spend our formative years with our two most important relationship partners relating to us as parents to child. When we are grown, we have to relate to other people in our lives in the adult-adult ego-state paradigm which is the one we have the least amount of experience doing. And because it’s not familiar, it’s less comfortable and we revert into relating to others in our child or parent ego-state. When I find myself backsliding into bad behaviors (a nearly daily occurrence), it’s frequently because I’m trying to parent another adult (which an adult does not need) or relating as I would as a child to my parent. It requires conscious effort to break free of the patterns that have been hard-wired into me by my well-meaning but imperfect parents.
There’s a lot to think about in what you say here – thank you!
Brandon!
I love hearing from you. Thank you for taking the time to comment and as always, enriching what I write and adding to it in ways that help me (and so many others).
Parenting is the most challenging job in my opinion. I’m glad you felt that this post underscored that.
Would you mind sharing the name of that book? That is a nearly daily occurrence for me as well.
I love and appreciate you, my friend.
I’m grateful for you also Natasha.
The book is called “Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships” by Eric Berne.
Brandon. Light blue book cover with two dices on it? You didn’t mention MD. I want to make sure if it’s that one? Thank you. John.
Yessir that’s the one, written by Eric Berne, M.D. as you note above.
I am familiar with him but not the book! Looking forward to reading it. Thanks, Brandon!
Happy St. Patrick’s Day ? to y’all!
Natasha, Well written up! No your not offend disabled people. I understand you clear. To add that… interestingly… it’s codependency… some are in healthy environment and/or toxic on other some. Actions-Balance = Match. Actions-Bullshiting= Imbalance.
Some are out of true love. Some aren’t. For example. Here in the South. It’s common for men that are too “gentleman” to wife and doing beyond “Bulter” obligations to his precious “queen” wife. Until….. he passed away. The wife crushes. Same as opposite gender (Vice verses) as whenever husband, unexpectedly, become disabled and the wife treat him wonderful for being so good to beloved wife’s after years together. (Codependency). Even their relationship are/was beautiful. Not toxic at all. Those type of respectful folks are dwindling in my opinion.
Other example… Gold-digger (sugar daddy or sugar mommy). Act too woman/gentleman to her/his lover and take in rake in and treat them poorly then bye-bye… poof. Move on new chapter. Cycle continues… That toxic! Again… that’s codependency. Unfortunately it seem on the rise. ?
Either beautiful or ugly story as mentioned above sometime take a down-dive after toxic child(ren) or unexpectedly wayward environment ruin either type of parenting toward toxicity. Same as if upward (positive impacts) to better parenting.
Many other concepts describes in your article.
Being parent is never any easy! Care tell us who ONE claim that being parent is so easy job? ?. Not even the monarchy, billionaire folks, and a trillionaire dode!??.
Yes all of us tried or try our best.
Good write up! Natasha.
John
Hi My Dear Friend!
Thank you for saying that, John. I never want to unintentionally hurt or disrespect anyone. That means so much coming from you especially.
Your comment made me laugh and also, tear up. Very true my friend. Are you still heading the deafblind organization in your area?
As always, we appreciate your input so much. Please give my love to your Mother and daughters from me and my Mom!
Morning Natasha. Yes still involving with DB community that I represent for 3 different organizations. Plus other things to do around here. Overwhelm sometimes. Unfortunately majority of DB remain isolation due rely on touching and pandemic going on around. We are doing good so far. Apparently you seem to be doing well and busy. Give your mother (you too) our regards. Look forward more literatures from you. Take easy. John
You are such an inspiration to me and a light in my life. Please let me/us know what we can do to support the DB community more. Take care, my dear friend.